


Finding Peace

by MagicMage



Series: Joshua Shepard [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Destroy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I don't know anything about the military, M/M, Medical stuff, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Content, except Edi lives, non-canon Shepard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-12
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-01-24 10:55:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 30
Words: 170,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1602647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicMage/pseuds/MagicMage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The aftermath of Mass Effect 3.</p><p>After the Reaper war Kaidan is left to pick up the pieces. What will he have to return to when the Normandy finally makes it back to earth? How will he pick up the pieces of the life that he has left? Kaidan struggles with these realities, as well as the devastating loss of a relationship it took him years to build with Joshua Shepard, that was blown apart with the firing of the crucible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Normandy Down

It was wrong.

He sat on the edge of  _his_  bed in  _his_  cabin looking at  _his_  fish.

And it was wrong.

Specialist Traynor had accidentally called him “Commander” as he walked past and then corrected herself with teary eyes and a soft sob.

Everyone watched him, but nobody looked at him as he walked past them in the halls because everyone was too raw and hurting to really look at anybody. Nobody spoke, nobody really interacted beyond work, because there couldn't be anything else.

It was as if the beam that the Citadel had fired was the physical representation of  _him_  being ripped from the galaxy.

No one spoke  _his_  name, everyone stared at  _his_  name on the plaque on the memorial wall.

Kaidan leaned forward, face in hands, fingers in hair. The Normandy's engines were finally starting to sound like engines again instead of wood being chipped into pieces and far away gunfire.

“ _It'll take a few days to get the systems back up, damn they're completely out.” Joker told him, flipping through screens which had taken them a week already to get back up and running. “Once Edi is figured out, we'll have no problem.”_

“ _You said that Edi was going to take at least another day or two to get fixed, and she wasn't going to be able to access the Normandy again like she used to.” Kaidan shook his head, sitting in the empty copilot seat only because Joker had said it was okay previously._

“ _Who knows? She told me... Well I'm not really sure what she told me, a bunch of computer numbers and... Shit, sometimes I wish I actually listened to that stuff.” Joker shrugged, looking at one of the readings on the screen. “Anyways it'll be a huge drain on the power to... To fix her so it's probably a good thing we're not floating derelict in space or firing random weapons.”_

“ _So... What?” Kaidan asked._

“ _So, expect flashing lights and funny sounds coming from the engines for the next few days, because the Normandy needs Edi to get up and running again.” Joker explained, turning to Kaidan with an exhausted look on his face._ _Joker_   _needed EDI to get up and running again, but he didn't say it. Kaidan almost appreciated it, except his treacherous mind fed the information to him anyways and it made him want to hit something, cry, and just stop all at once._

“ _Right, good work Flight Lieutenant.” Joker raised an eyebrow at him as he stood and attempted to escape. “Er, Joker, anyways, later.”_

It was easier to tune out if he reduced everyone to their rank and badge again, just like those first days on the Normandy SR-1. Joker had been the first one to break out of that formality, naturally, but he couldn't...

With a heavy sigh Kaidan curled in on himself more, pretending he didn't hear the door to the cabin ding softly as the security clearance was met and it opened.

“Kaidan,” it was Garrus, of course it was Garrus. “Just coming up with a status report.” he spoke as if Kaidan wasn't in a curled up mess with his legs handing over the edge of the bed and his head in his hands. He wondered if it was Garrus overlooking that sort of thing which had made those harder days easier on...

“Edi's up and running?” He looked up, hands still covering the lower half of his face, but open so his voice wasn't muffled. Garrus stood at the top of the stairs, looking completely neutral. How could he do that when...

“Mhm, yes, and she has no recollection of the battle in London, so that was a fun conversation.” Garrus folded his arms and leaned one shoulder against the fish tank, watching him, looking at him, it his made his skin crawl. Kaidan laughed humourlessly.

“I'm sure it was.” Monotone, because he couldn't afford anything else.

“Look, Kaidan--”

“Major,” he interrupted, and then remembered Garrus was not a part of the Alliance and they'd known each other for years so he started stuttering, “Er...just...what?”

When he looked up Garrus was giving him that look, that look that he gave people that looked a lot like he had an eyebrow raised, but turians did not have eyebrows, not really.

“ _Kaidan_ , the crew is going to start looking for direction from you, at least, the Alliance side is.” Garrus continued as if he hadn't heard Kaidan speak, “Edi has gone straight into helping Traynor get the comm up.”

Kaidan sighed heavily again, he'd been doing that nonstop and whatever it was supposed to help with, it wasn't helping at all.

“Why me?” he stood, covering his face with a hand and leaning into it slightly. Garrus shrugged.

“Joker insists that you outrank him, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with getting you out of this room.” Garrus replied, glancing around the room, his mandibles twitching slightly as he took in the datapads still spread over the desk, a few having fallen to the floor and left there.

“I'd rather stay here.” Kaidan dropped his hands to his side. “The VI in the fishtank is broken, I have to feed the fish.” he motioned lamely towards the fishtank, and Garrus followed his gesture to stare at the fish. Only a few had survived the less than gentle crash to the planet.

“Damnit Kaidan, I can't get you out of this room and I couldn't get Shepard to st--”

“Stop.” The name was forbidden, elicited all the wrong feelings, made him want to break everything, everything, and give up, cry, and stop, and forget, but remember  _everything_. Garrus turned to him lazily, as if he hadn't said anything, and how could he? After how  _close_  the two of them had been, he could look as if nothing had happened. Talk about London, speak his name.

“Joshua wouldn't rather you spend all your time in his room taking care of the  _fish,_  instead of the crew.” Garrus said sharply, causing Kaidan to look up from the floor he'd been scrutinising. He opened his mouth to protest, to tell Garrus to leave, to yell at him, something. But he couldn't do it. Garrus was right, no matter how hard it was to hear it and know it.

“What am I supposed to do? Shep...he...I was never supposed to  _lead_  this crew. I don't have the slightest clue how to talk to them.” For more than one reason. Of course he could lead, but it was like the ground had gone out from under their feet, how was he supposed to tell them to get back up? Garrus chuckled, as devoid of humour as he was.

“Yeah, he always makes it seem so easy. And then you're in charge of an entire war effort, and you realise it's not as easy as he makes it look.”

“Made.” Kaidan choked on the word, trying to prevent it from rising, but it did so without heed. He took a shuddering breath. Garrus gave him the eyebrow look again, and then shrugged in defeat, turning to leave.

“Kaidan, at least make sure you go and check up with Joker, I think he wants to know you haven't melted into the furniture up here.” he said over his shoulder. The doors slid shut behind him, not giving Kaidan the chance to retort, not that he really wanted to.

He took a few steps back and fell back to sit on the bed again, looking at the fish listlessly.

On the other side of the door stood Garrus, a hand over his face as he took a deep stuttering breath. Shepard hadn't told him to look after Kaidan, but he was damn well going to try his best. Even if it meant saying the hard things.

-o-

 

As Kaidan rode the lift down to the CIC deck, he had to tell himself again who he was doing this for. He needed to make sure these people got home, to their families or what was left of them. To ensure that Liara got back to Thessia, Tali to Rannoch, and Garrus to Palaven. He had to make sure that Javik got to wherever the heck he was going.

Maybe if he started piling on responsibilities he would stop dreaming of warm bodies and soft lips. Maybe he'd stop dreaming at all.

Edi watched him as he got off of the lift, interest and sympathy painted on her features. Traynor did not turn around to see him, apparently still upset about the mix up days prior.

“Most systems are operational again, Major.” Edi commented, gauging his reaction. “With a few more preparations we could be on our way back to earth in a few hours at the most.”

Kaidan watched her with caution. Was she aware that whatever had happened at the Citadel had disabled her completely? Yes, of course she was, she was the one who had created the backup “just in case” according to Joker.

“Sounds good, I'll go talk to Joker.” he nodded to her briefly, walking around the galaxy map and communications terminal. He thought he heard Traynor sob, but he wasn't sure. He was thankful for the remaining crew being engrossed in their work trying to get the ship running properly again, because it meant hardly any of them noticed him walk past, and if they did they just looked right back at their work again.

Entering the cockpit and having the door shut behind him was like a breath of fresh air, he couldn't hear the low hum of conversation between different crew anymore, just Joker sitting in his seat and playing with the menus.

“Uh, hey,” Kaidan stepped up behind him, looking over his shoulder into the mess of coding and reports which made little sense to him, but would have made sense to... He leaned back, taking a sharp breath. Joker turned the chair to look at him properly, scrutinising him for a moment with narrowed eyes.

“Oh good, you're not part chair or something.” Apparently Garrus had been right. Joker turned back to his screen. “So, we're pretty much ready to go, weapons systems are a mess, but I doubt  _that_  will matter, since everyone was shooting at reapers a few weeks ago. I don't think we'll go back to shooting each other yet.” When Kaidan didn't reply Joker checked over his shoulder to make sure he was still standing there. “We'll be limping pretty badly, without a complete maintenance, but what can you do about that. Edi estimates we'll be within Alliance comm distance in two or three days, if they have them working.”

The fact that Kaidan didn't care was clearly not lost on Joker, who looked at him sarcastically and turned back to his screen.

“Hmm,” was all that Kaidan could bring himself to offer, his mind telling of all the times that  _he_  had given Joker praise for things which he did, following his protests about Nilus on Eden Prime.

“Have you eaten anything, Major?” Joker asked. Kaidan wondered if Garrus had gone around telling everyone about their conversation in the Captain's Cabin.

“Not yet.”

“Maybe you should.” Joker tapped on his keyboard as he spoke. “Good thing we stocked up the last time we went to the Citadel, we've got plenty of food.”

Kaidan momentarily wondered if he'd been stabbed, sucking in a breath so sharp that Joker turned around to face him again. His expression was blank.

He needed to stop taking offence to everything, and everything needed to stop causing him pain. He felt like he could hear the words spoken even though they weren't. How was he supposed to get through a normal conversation when everything reminded him of...of Shepard.

“Kaidan?”

Snapped back to reality, Kaidan nodded at Joker, hoping to brush off the memories and feelings. The pain.

“Right, well, you're set to take off whenever the ship is ready, I'll leave that to you.” Kaidan said, turning away from Joker quickly and heading back to the doors.

“Yeah, okay, go get something to eat. And Kaidan,” he didn't want to hear it, he wanted to doors to close before Joker could finish his sentence. “I'm sorry.” Yeah, he was used to not getting what he wanted by now.

The doors shut and he was left in a room full of people who were going about their work in silence, no one looked up to see him have to compose himself before continuing to the Crew Deck.

-o-

 

Having made himself something very simple, eggs and bacon, he sat at the table in the kitchen area staring down at the plate while the food cooled. He actually didn't want anything to eat, he had no idea why he'd listened to Joker. He could have gone back to the Captain's Cabin, stayed close to the things which still smelled like  _him_ , but no, he was here, sitting alone and doing nothing.

He probably sat there for half an hour, watching the food look less and less appetising. He was just about to get up and throw it all away, return to the Captain's Cabin, when the door behind him opened.

“Oh, Kaidan,” he heard Liara gasp behind him. He turned to look at her, exhaustion and lack of sleep clear on his face. She smiled at him weakly, crossing the room to come to his side. “I see you are finally eating something.” her voice wobbled like she had been crying, or like she was going to cry. Kaidan's heart clenched.

“I was going to, but--”

“Don't be ridiculous, you must eat something,” Liara said firmly, sitting down beside him and watching him with a look of determination. Her eyes were darker around the edges, he noticed, so she had been crying.

He sighed, poking the food on his plate with contempt. “I should have made something more appetising.” he admitted. Liara smiled, which made him ache when he looked up at her, he looked back at the plate. It was safer.

“I could cook you something.” she offered, but Kaidan shook his head 'no'.

“If I have to eat something--”

“You have to.” she insisted.

“then I'll eat this, I made it after all.” with that, he valiantly stuck an entire piece of cold bacon in his mouth. The ship lurched forward slightly, causing Liara to fall sideways and Kaidan to grab a hold of the table. “What on earth?”

“Uh, sorry about that, people, Edi and I were trying something, but it didn't work. This is going to be a weird take off, so make sure you're all away from sharp edges.” Joker explained over the PA system, causing Kaidan to glare at the speaker for a moment before turning to Liara.

“Are you alright?” he asked, to which she straightened herself and nodded. She shrugged slightly.

“I don't think I've ever seen Joker take off from the ground before, so I assume this will indeed 'be a weird take off'.”

They sat in silence for a while, Liara watching to make sure Kaidan was eating, like a hawk, and Kaidan trying to ignore the random lurches and scrapes coming from the ship.

After Kaidan was finished his food, had cleaned and put the plate away, and almost fallen over when the ship gave a particularly violent lurch forward, Liara suggested they remain sitting at the table, where they would be away from sharp edges.

The silence continued, and Kaidan listened to the engines complaining at their bad treatment. Joker was probably having a fit in the cockpit, Tali was probably having a fit in engineering.

Garrus wandered out of the Main Battery, and down the stairs into the kitchen area as if nothing was happening. He looked at the two of them at the table and sat down across from them, crossing his legs and arms.

“Well it's online, sort of.” Garrus said to Liara, who sighed, apparently continuing a conversation from earlier. She turned to him and shook her head slightly.

“Garrus has been trying to get the weapons system back online, just in case.” she explained. Kaidan frowned.

“Do you really think  _anyone_  will be shooting  _anything_  right now?” he leaned back in his seat, feeling another lurch of the ship again, then a rush of vertigo as apparently it managed to get off of the ground. Three bodies around the table took a collective breath of relief.

“Woohoo! We're golden, baby!” Joker called over the PA, causing a laugh and the shake of a head from Garrus and a smile from Liara.

“Well  _that_  was professional.” Garrus grinned, probably, across the table at Kaidan who smiled weakly. “and you never know, we can't be flying for several days without any protection what so ever.”

Kaidan nodded slowly, that made sense. It meant a lot to him that these people were willing to help, had been willing to help, all the way. He couldn't express his gratitude though, so he just leaned forward to rest his arms on the table, fold his hands, and stare at the white surface. The silence which fell over the group was not comfortable, it was heavy and suffocating. A short glance up revealed that each of them was staring at something far away, and none of them looked content about it.

The ship was flown up, up and out of the planet's atmosphere. The take off was a bit rougher than usual, but it certainly wasn't anything like the crash. No one was on the floor, for one. Once they breached atmosphere everything calmed down, and the engines settled into a calm, familiar, hum.

Kaidan felt a weight come over him, more than the silence which no one wanted to break. He hunched forward slightly, as if physical movement would relieve it. It did not.

Right down the hall was  _his_ name on the memorial wall,  _his_ and Captain Anderson's. Part of him wanted to go over there and tear it down, or just yell at it because it was all he had left of  _him_. Part of him wondered how he'd managed to get past it to the kitchen on his way here, but he knew he hadn't looked up from the floor all the way.

Now it felt like a wall which was preventing him from escaping again. Now that they were on their way back to earth, he really just did want to go back to the Captain's Cabin and stay there, two days, three, a week, it didn't matter. The room smelled right, there was that silly collection of models and the fish, the dog tags from before the collectors. He closed his eyes and leaned forward onto his hands.

Almost immediately Liara's hand was on his back, but he wasn't sure he wanted it there. Comfort wasn't what he wanted, pain wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to feel anything he was feeling right now.

He wanted Shepard to walk through the door, any door, tell him that he wouldn't ever leave him behind again. He wanted to wake up and find it was the night before they entered the Sol system and this time he  _would make it to the beam_ and he would fire that damn weapon  _with_ Shepard.

A sob tore through him, but no, he didn't want to do this here, or now, he could do this in the safety of the Shepard's Cabin, curled up in Shepard's sheets, with Shepard's hoodie, not in the middle of the mess hall.

A hand rested on his hands and he looked up through eyes blurred with tears. There was a hand over his hands, and a hand on his back. Garrus sat forward, and Liara rested her head on his shoulder.

And Kaidan cried, open and raw.

And they cried.

 


	2. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to let you all know, right now, I suck at chapter names and summaries so don't expect anything brilliant out of them.
> 
> (I actually decided not to do chapter summaries)

Kaidan had been planning to spend the rest of the trip home holed up in Shepard's cabin. He'd been planning, but now for some reason which was entirely beyond him, he was in the lounge with the majority of the squad mates, and a few crew members who were well acquainted with Shepard. Sitting on the couch with Garrus and Tali beside him. They were having a _party._ Well... As much as a party that was possible.

They were drinking, and telling stories about Shepard as if he'd not just been taken away. As if his name hadn't just been newly added to the memorial wall just down the hallway. Kaidan had also been drinking, and was finding himself smiling in spite of himself at some of the stories being told.

“So he turns to me and he says, 'that's an improvement, in my opinion'.” Garrus had just finished telling them the story of how he got his scars. Tali was sitting beside him leaning on him slightly, and giggling along as the story was told. She was farther gone than he was.

“Once,” he heard himself start, “We were planet side trying to figure out where this probe nuke had gone, and Wrex and I... We both know this is a trap, how does a nuke get _in_ to a mine shaft? But Shepard, Shepard runs off ahead insisting we have to save whomever is inside.” he chuckled and shook his head, downing the last of his whiskey.

“Lemme guess, it was a trap?” James asked from his seat at the bar.

“When was it ever _not_ a trap?” Steve retorted from beside him.

“I don't think Shepard knows what the meaning of trap is.” Garrus put in, causing several people to start laughing all over again. Everyone was skillfully over looking his continuing failure to use past tense.

Kaidan couldn't decide whether his heart hurt, or if his head hurt, or if this was okay. James had been the one to come in and start 'shaking things up', by which he had apparently meant drinks. Somehow a group which had started out consisting of Garrus, Kaidan, Tali, and James had grown to consist of all the squad members, except for Javik and Edi, and several other crew members Kaidan had never bothered to know the names of.

Traynor was still avoiding him like the plague.

“I do not think he was naive. I think he just wanted everyone to have the best intentions.” Liara said, she was leaning against the wall.

“And so he gets into this ship with Aria--” Garrus started, raising a brow at her.

“Alright, alright, he was a _bit._ ” she conceded, holding her hands up in defeat.

“Look who's talking!” Tali exclaimed, throwing a hand up to point at Liara accusingly as she swayed.

“Look who's talking.” Liara smiled at her, and there was a stretch of quiet before they both started giggling.

“So we're tracking down this assassin, Thane Krios,” Garrus interrupted, and several interested faces turned to him, “we get to where this hit is supposed to go off, and Shepard is _surprised_ when he kills the woman. Naturally, they became best friends.” nodding affirmatively, he leaned back into the couch and stretched.

“Hey, that was the green dude who saved your asses on the Citadel right?” James asked, earning a elbow in the side from Steve, “Eh, I mean...the drell.”

“Yep, a damn good assassin that one.” Garrus agreed.

“Shepard was certainly torn up when he...” Liara dropped her gaze to the floor, realising she'd touched on a bad place when every person in the room did so as well.

One of the engineers, Kenneth Donnelly, raised his glass, breaking everyone out of their momentary lapse into pain, “To Shepard.” Kaidan realised his glass was empty, but he raised it up just like the rest of them, the occupants lounge repeating Kenneth's sentiment in unison and then drinking the rest of whatever they had.

Kaidan just lowered his glass and stared into the bottom of it. The alcohol had been running so wonderfully in his system, letting him float on the made up merriment, but now he felt like he'd been dropped back down again. It was not a comfortable landing.

“You all right, Kaidan?” Garrus asked quietly, to which Kaidan responded by inhaling shakily.

“Yeah, yeah, I'm...all right.” he set his glass down on the table, resisting the urge to excuse himself and retreat into Shepard's cabin. A scaly hand patted his shoulder momentarily, before it was removed and Garrus resettled himself, leaning forward.

“Thane and I gave him _the fish_.” Garrus said, smiling to himself proudly. Kenneth and the other engineer, Daniels?-- groaned and rolled their eyes, Tali started giggling all over again.

“Do you know he spent twenty thousand credits of Alliance funds to buy a VI for his fish tanks?” Liara chuckled, shaking her head.

“You didn't have to see him the day he realised fish actually need to be _fed_.” Tali retorted, wagging a finger at Liara again.

“Man, if the only thing he ever bought himself was a VI to feed fish, he's probably the straightest commanding officer ev...er-- no I guess not.” James frowned, scratching his eyebrow and looking up at the ceiling as if the thought process had caused him pain.

Kaidan swallowed around a lump in his throat, amidst Tali laughing _way harder_ than she was supposed to and Cortez elbowing James in the side again. Garrus was looking at him thoughtfully. He wanted to disappear into the couch.

When he looked up again all eyes in the room, except Tali who was apparently falling asleep now, were looking at him, waiting. He wondered what they expected him to say? Whatever it was, he didn't say it, he just leaned on the armrest and stared out the open observation window.

An awkward silence stretched for a few moments, several sets of eyes exchanging glances, before Kenneth stood up from his place on the couch across from them and stretched, “I think it's probably time to turn in for the night,” he turned to help Daniels up and then dropped both of their glasses behind the bar in the dishwasher.

Kaidan regarded them with scant interest, but jealousy burning in his belly. They'd stayed on the ship safe, and now they had each other. The pair waved goodnight and left the lounge.

Another short silence followed, before the two privates who had been sitting on the couch on the other side of the window got up and left with quiet goodbyes, and then James stood up with a stretch as well.

“Yeah, best get some sleep before we get back to earth and have to get to work again.” he announced, hands behind his hips and leaning back to crack his back. Liara flinched slightly at the sound. “Ey, you comin' Esteban?” he turned to Steve, who sighed, and then nodded.

“Yes, apparently.” he also stood up, depositing both of their drinking glasses into the dishwasher as well.

“Night Scars, Doc,” James gave Garrus a high five as he walked past and a nod to Liara, “Major.” He nodded down at Kaidan, who gave the slightest of nods to him and then to Steve as they left as well.

Liara crossed the room, reaching forward to take Kaidan's glass with a short nod, and then taking Garrus' glass and Tali's.

“That was...nice.” she slowly made her way behind the bar and put all of the glasses inside the dishwasher before setting it to run. Garrus hummed his agreement, Tali was sound asleep. Liara came back around, sitting on the edge of the chaise part of the couch. “He really loved those fish, didn't he?”

Garrus scoffed good-naturedly, “I regret giving them to him. Twenty thousand credits?” Liara smiled in amusement and nodded. Garrus shook his head. Conversation lulled again, the only sound being Tali's rhythmic breathing. After a while Liara leaned forward, her elbows on her thighs and her hands gripped in front of her lightly. Garrus watched Tali sleeping like... well like he had a great deal of affection for her.

Kaidan clenched his teeth and looked away from them, staring in the direction of the poker table, but definitely not staring at it. He remembered the conversation with Shepard after he had defeated the Reaper on Rannoch, how excited and _alive_ he'd been, much more full of energy and emotion than he had been in weeks. He remembered how he'd been surprised, how had he not noticed how reserved Shepard had become? He remembered James fist bumping Shepard and them grinning at each other because it _could_ be done.

Then Thessia had happened and Shepard hadn't been the same since.

Liara rose slowly, as if she'd heard him thinking, smiling affectionately at Garrus and Tali, and then at him. Garrus looked up inquisitively.

“I'm going to bed as well, I think.” she said, looking back at Garrus, “I need to be awake once we get back into comm range, to start rebuilding my network.”

Garrus chuckled at her, “Not going to retire?”

Liara shook her head, “The Shadow Broker will be needed more than ever now, it may just take some time to work it all out. Good night Garrus, Kaidan.” She waved at them as she turned to the door, and then disappeared behind it as it slid shut again.

Both males stared at the closed door for a few seconds before looking elsewhere, Kaidan at his lap and Garrus at Kaidan.

“You need to get some sleep as well.” Garrus said, nodding towards the closed door, “Despite Joshua's best recommendations, I get the feeling this room isn't exactly good to sleep in.”

Kaidan shook his head. If he went up to the cabin now, that would mean that all of the memories they had just shared would remain just that, memories. He'd have to face the empty room again, and accept that every time he opened the door that Shepard wouldn't be behind it.

He sighed, alcohol had been a _terrible_ idea.

“I'll go, in a bit.” he looked over at Garrus, who shook his head and turned to Tali for a moment before looking back.

“Mm-m.” he disagreed, “I need to get _this one_ to her bed, and you do not want to see a turian trying to carry a quarian, I promise you that.” Kaidan raised his eyebrow at him, to which he got the exact look back. In spite of himself he laughed softly, a rush of air from his nose followed by a soft chuckle, then he imagined Shepard would have done similar and he scrubbed his hand down his face.

“Yeah, okay. I'll go.” He patted Garrus' shoulder as he stood, to which Garrus clasped his forearm for a moment before releasing it.

As he rounded the table Garrus said after him, “Make sure you _sleep_ , Joshua will have my skin if you aren't taking care of yourself.” the statement was ignored, Kaidan simply shaking his head slightly as the doors opened, and then shut behind him.

Kaidan rubbed his face as he approached the lift, nodding absently to one of the night crew who passed him. He punched in the floor and the doors closed behind him.

“Jeff believes we will be within comm distance in a few hours.” Edi's voice suddenly rang in the lift. Kaidan startled, looking up for a moment before righting his gaze at the spot where the doors would open, rubbing one side of his face again.

“Can you have Comm Specialist Traynor take care of any ingoing or outgoing communications? You or Joker can handle anything Alliance related, can't you?” he asked, to which there was a short pause. He was surprised at how sober he felt, his thoughts were foggy, but he was articulate. Maybe he hadn't had as much to drink as he thought he had.

“Jeff says that we _can_ do that, but you will need to report in as well once we are in range.” the doors to the lift opened and Edi's voice followed him into the hallway of the cabin, causing Kaidan to frown.

“Edi, how are you following me? I thought you wouldn't be able to access the Normandy's systems anymore.” he began to punch in the pass-code to Shepard's security.

“I have more of a grasp on the systems than I first estimated, while I can access the systems as I was able to before, some of them are not as readily available to me, and I believe distance from the ship will prevent me access altogether.” she explained. Nodding to himself slowly, though he doubted Edi could actually _see_ it, Kaidan entered the cabin and stared into the room for a moment.

The bed didn't smell so much like Shepard anymore, though his pillow still--

“Major?” He wished he hadn't made everyone go back to calling him that.

“Yes?” he asked, crossing the room and making his way slowly down the stairs. Okay, still drunk apparently, since he almost fell down the last step.

“Get some sleep, please.”

He sat on the edge of the bed, looking around the room from this angle now, looking at the models, looking at the fish, looking at the couch. He half expected Edi to continue, but there was no other transmission from the synthetic, and he was left in silence.

Kaidan wondered, for a few minutes, about their-- his companions. How Shepard had somehow managed to set every one of their well known friends up. There was Tali and Garrus, Joker and Edi, apparently he'd even set the engineers up. He'd seen how Liara and Javik interacted, Liara like a frustrated yet fascinated school girl, and Javik like he was being advanced on by someone who he knew as a child. Their relationship was odd, but it was obvious they were interested in each other.

Even Steve and James were never very far from each other, though he wasn't certain of their relationship.

Part of him wondered if Shepard had meant to return to him, because it was not fair to leave him like this among all of these _couples,_ all of this affection, another part of him wondered if Shepard had done this on _purpose,_ for Kaidan not coming back on Horizon, for ignoring, fighting, his advances before that on the Normandy SR-1.

He regretted fighting Shepard and insisting on doing things on his terms, for keeping himself waiting and for not believing everything Shepard had ever told him. Joshua Shepard had never once lied to him, in all their years together, and in all their years apart. He regretted not believing in Shepard.

With a heavy sigh Kaidan undid and kicked off his boots, edging back on the bed and letting his head fall heavily on the pillow. He wished he could bring his mind into agreement. He kept feeling like there were two sides of him, the side which knew Shepard would never have left on purpose, and the side which was furious because if he played their last moments together over in his mind, Shepard had known he wasn't coming back.

While he and Garrus had been rushed up to the medbay, Garrus having to support him most of the way, Shepard had made the decision to go into the beam alone and fire the Crucible alone. No one could have survived that blast from so close, he'd heard several people mutter in the halls the days after.

While Chakwas had used the extensive medical equipment to prevent Garrus or Kaidan from any serious lasting damage and serious scarring, extensive medical equipment which _Shepard_ had worked for on the Normandy's previous mission, Shepard had made the decision to die alone.

To die.

The rational part of his mind reminded him that Shepard had saved the galaxy, ended the war, killed every last Reaper, as he grasped the blanket tightly in his hand and pressed his tearing up eyes into the pillow. The irrational part whispered those words to him on repeat.

_Dead. He's dead, he died alone, and then he left you alone. He chose._

The rational part of his mind mused that the irrational part had a strange way of winning out. A tiny voice which he could barely hear, which only made him hate himself more.

No matter how hard he tried, he still couldn't convince himself that Shepard always did things for a reason.

Somehow he managed, through tears and thoughts haunting him, to find sleep.


	3. For You

_Warm hands run through his hair, pulling him closer, “God Kaidan,” a soft gasp. A soft kiss of warm lips to his forehead as he thrusts forward into that heat he never knew he wanted, needed._

_One hand travels down to grasp at his wrist, planted firmly in the sheets above_ his _head, steadying. He shifts slightly so all of his weight is on his other hand, fingers curling around calloused, large, hands._

His _eyes are closed tightly, breath coming in sharp gasps. It's a sight he wishes he'd taken advantage of long before now. He leans forward, squeezing hands, muscles straining for the position, but he has to... has to press a kiss to that forehead, bury his nose in the usually combed back and tidy hair—now messy as the man beneath him gasps and moans so sweetly._

“ _I love you.”_

Kaidan gasped as he sat up from the bed, looking around the room as the vivid imagery faded back into his subconscious, the feeling of a hand holding his dissipated. He clenched his hands in the blankets, which he'd never bothered to pull over himself the night before. He was still in his uniform. With a soft groan he reached up to covered his eyes with his hand, his fingers threading through his hair.

How _old_ was he?

His heart clenched uncomfortably because it didn't care. He'd had everything he'd ever wanted, and now it was gone and his brain was going to torture him as long as it felt like. He wasn't sure who had spoken. He sighed, looking up at the clock on the side table.

6:24AM

His head hurt, though he wasn't sure if it was from the dream or the drink from the previous night. Perhaps from crying himself to sleep, he remembered uncomfortably. There was a part of him which felt like he lost a piece of himself every time he let himself cry. With the shake of his head, he edged to the end of the bed, leaning down to fix his boots and then pull them on.

He needed a new uniform, but he wasn't sure he wanted to make the trek down to the crew quarters and then to the showers, one of which he desperately needed. No one wanted to go around smelling like alcohol, also no one wanted to go wandering around the Normandy with the evidence of the dream he just had still prominent.

A shower in the cabin then, but he couldn't borrow... er, wear any of Shepard's uniforms because they didn't have the right ranks on them, and they were too small.

With great effort, he stood. It seemed like everything was coming with great effort now. He kept catching himself actually doing nothing, just staring at nothing and hardly even thinking. It was so strange and foreign to him, he was used to reports and action. Even when he'd been in the hospital... well, they'd had to tie him down, hadn't they?

As he moved through the cabin, up the steps, fed the fish, and into the small bathroom afforded to the captain, he wondered how something he'd once gone without much thought over, could possibly have changed him so much. He'd wanted a lover, a—he'd said a girl—to come home to.

As he pulled off the boots he'd just put on, as well as the rest of his uniform, he wondered if he could ever regret the decision he'd made to call Shepard out to Apollo's Cafe.

Shepard had always been so forward with him, on the SR-1, and he'd dodged every attempt. The mischievous light he'd always seen in his eye when he turned to look at him was gone by the time they'd parted ways on Horizon, replaced by a sad, desperate longing which he had been certain would consume both of them when they'd met again on Earth.

By the time Kaidan was done with him on Mars, he'd just looked empty.

Having that moment where he had Shepard in the palm of his hand, listening to his every word, hope flickering on his face for an instant, had been almost intoxicating.

No, he'd never regret it, he realised as he set the temperature of the shower and stepped in. Seeing Shepard's love set free and _only for him._

-o-

 

It was as Kaidan was stepping out of the shower that Edi came in over the cabin's speakers.

“We have regained minimal contact with Earth, Kaidan.” she informed him pleasantly. He wondered at when she had decided to start using his first name, remembering how she'd suddenly taken to referring to Shepard by his one day.

For some reason he got the feeling that she'd waited until he was out of the shower to speak to him, and that she'd been watching for the right moment.

He'd been fairly certain Edi wouldn't have access to crew locations in the ship anymore. He'd once asked if her knowledge of where all crew members were at all time was because she felt them “like ants crawling on her”, and she'd looked at him for a moment as if thinking and then nodded. Apparently it was similar, and apparently she still had access of some kind to the ship's more intimate sensors.

“What sort of 'minimal contact'?” he asked, leaving the jacket of his uniform undone since he would just be changing out of it, stepping into the hall, and then rethinking it and doing his jacket up after all.

“We have had a brief transmission from Admiral Hackett. Specialist Traynor has been working to clean up the connection, but so far that is all we have received.”

Kaidan nodded to himself, putting in the floor on the lift and then stepping on board to travel down to the crew's quarters.

“Do I need to review this message?” he asked, remaining on the lift once he reached the floor because he didn't want to disturb anyone who was sleeping.

“Jeff believes that you may want to hear the contents, yes. He has the audio stored on the console at the front of the ship, since you asked him to accept incoming transmissions on your behalf.” Edi, apparently aware of Kaidan's wishes to allow the sleeping to remain doing so, lowered her voice slightly and isolated the conversation to the lift.

“Edi, has Joker had any sleep?” Kaidan asked, crossing his arms and looking upward as he waited for her answer.

“He has, yes, I ensured it.”

Kaidan was never sure whether Edi actually meant it when she said things like that, imagining her drugging him or worse, but Shepard had always assured him she was joking.

“Alright, I'll be up in a few minutes.” he stepped off of the lift, stepping out into the hallway and being met with the memorial wall. His stomach flopped.

“Understood,” Edi chimed, then went silent.

_Cdr. Joshua Shepard_

Kaidan swallowed thickly, feeling like his throat was closing. He couldn't wait to be off of this ship, where Shepard wasn't everywhere, in the very _walls_ to remind him of what he'd lost. He never wanted to leave this ship, he was afraid he'd lose and forget everything he'd gained.

He shook his head, so hard that he shook himself as well, and turned to walk past the wall, into his quarters. Well, not his personally, but he'd gotten used to calling them that. He at least had his own bed, as did most of the other squad members. He was pretty sure that James slept in the cargo bay.

Quietly as he could he went to the end of his bed, into his locker, and pulled out a clean uniform. There weren't as many people sleeping as he would have thought, but given the strange situation with the ship it didn't surprise him.

He looked down at the uniform in his hands, wondering if he should start sleeping in his own bed again. His clothing was down here, and taking a shower only to put on dirty clothing was not very comfortable for him. Then he thought about having to come face to face with that wall every time he came to sleep, and then he thought about the dream he'd had the night before.

He pulled his other two uniforms out of the locker, piling them on top of the one already in his arms, and leaving the room just as silently as he'd come in. He headed back to the lift, planning to spend as little time on the crew's floor as possible.

A pair of sharp eyes followed him from the locker, to the door. Then, with a heavy sigh, Garrus sat up rubbing at his head as he shook it.

-o-

 

It was ten minutes later that Kaidan entered the cockpit of the Normandy, to find a red eyed Joker and Edi sitting in the co-pilot's seat, where he felt she belonged.

“Hey Major, about time you showed your face up here again,” Joker said as he approached the front of the ship, “Have I ever told you how much I love coffee?”

Whether that was a jab at Kaidan's morning after the party on the citadel, or the fact that he actually did have a travel cup of what must have been coffee set on one of his consoles, he didn't know. Kaidan shook his head slightly.

“Kaidan's fine, Joker.” he relented, looking up at the expanse of space outside the windows.

“Oh, good, I kept having to check your rank over again, seeing as I never used it before.”

Edi turned to Joker and gave him a reproachful look, but ended up shaking her head slightly and turning back to her screen. Joker was probably over tired, and entirely exhausted. Kaidan could understand that, at least.

“I can play the transmission for you now, Kaidan, if you'd like?” Edi asked, without looking back up from her console, apparently doing diagnostics.

“Please do.” Kaidan stepped over the divide between the co-pilot and pilot's chair and leaned over Edi's shoulder. A few buttons were pushed, and a heavily distorted message recording began playing.

“ _SS- Norm-ndy –is –m-ral Hackett, --- copy?”_

“ _Admiral Hackett, this is Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau of the SSV Normandy, we copy, but the transmission is unclear. Edi can you clear it up at all?”_

“ _Flight Lieut-- M-reau, wh—s --- status?”_

“ _All clear, heading back to earth Admiral. Minimal casualties, the Normandy was heavily damaged, but we were able to repair most of the damage to the systems. FTL systems are damaged, but functioning. Estimated return to Sol system by 2400 hours, estimated return to earth is one day.”_

“ _Good. --apers defeated, -ut -xpect traffic. Many ships, mass –fect relays -own.”_

_A heavy sigh._

“ _I am sorry Jeff, I cannot clear it anymore.”_

“ _Naw that's okay Edi, I fig--”_

“ _\--me news upon re—n – earth. Us--- unsec---d channel, ca-'t disclose inf------n. Safe ret—n. --kett out.”_

As the static in the feed cut out, Edi and Joker turned to look at Kaidan expecting a reaction, but he didn't look either interested or concerned by the news.

“I'm pretty sure the reason we can't get comms up is because no one's actually... uh... communicating.” Joker watched Kaidan for a moment before shrugging and turning back to his work. Kaidan frowned into the screens, not really seeing them.

“He said that he has news.” Edi said, though it was quiet and sounded like she was mumbling.

“We're sure it was an Alliance signal?” Kaidan asked, scratching his chin and realising he needed to shave.

“It came from an Alliance channel, with Alliance signatures. It is probable that they experienced similar damage on earth to synthetic systems, and have had to build a make-shift emergency channel.” Edi leaned back in her chair, watching Kaidan with a look of interest, and mild concern, “He said that he has news.” she repeated.

Kaidan, of course, had heard that part, loud and clear, there may as well have been no static at all. He didn't know what it meant, and it gave him about a thousand questions he wasn't sure he wanted answered. The biggest being 'what'?

He wasn't sure what he'd expected when they received their first message from the Alliance. A clear report? A proper answer? Shepard, having taken over the comms to try and make sure the Normandy and his crew were alright?

“Right,” he grunted, turning to leave the cockpit, “Get some sleep Joker,” he said over his shoulder, catching an “aye aye” as the doors shut behind him. The questions weighed down on him, the uncertainty, the little piece of him which dared to _hope_.

-o-

 

Before he knew it, he was standing at the door to the lift, outside Shepard's cabin. He didn't even recall how he'd gotten from point A to point B. Had he seen anyone? Spoken to them? Had they spoken to him?

As he looked up from the floor he noticed Garrus was standing at the door to the cabin, leaning against the wall. He looked up to meet Kaidan's gaze, his arms folded across his chest and watching him with mild displeasure, Kaidan wondered why.

“Garrus.” Kaidan nodded, unsure what it was that the turian wanted.

“Kaidan.” Garrus nodded back. Kaidan looked around the empty hallway, as if expecting someone else to jump out of the metal work.

“Uh, what can I do for you?” he asked, locked in to place outside the door of the lift, unable to coolly walk past Garrus into the cabin or ask Garrus to come in. Was that even his right?

“I just have a question for you.” Garrus stood up from the wall, his arms dropping to his side as he stood straight and stared Kaidan down, “What do you plan to do from now on?”

The question shocked and confused Kaidan, who shuffled from foot to foot for a moment, bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet. “I'm, not sure what you mean.” He admitted.

“You realise you are going back to earth now, right? That his name is going to be on everyone's lips there, that, once the vids are back up, his face will be _everywhere_. Do you plan to hide yourself away somewhere?” Garrus' tone was so neutral, lacking any real bite, but that didn't take away the sting that they caused. Kaidan squared his shoulders, taking a step toward Garrus with his arms tightly folded across his chest.

“Excuse me?” he asked, as if he hadn't heard.

“Joshua Shepard is a hero, the galaxy's hero, first human spectre, the only surviving squad member of Akuze. Do you really think there will be a day in your life that you don't see or hear his name?” There was more conviction behind Garrus' voice now. He took a step forward as well, they stood toe to toe, Kaidan glaring darkly at Garrus as anger bubbled in him, Garrus frustratingly calm. Kaidan's arms dropped to his sides, hands clenching into fists.

“Do you think I don't _know_ that?” he demanded, leaning forward for all the good it did him, it made him look shorter and Garrus was already too tall. “Would you expect me to just be all right after all of this? Really?” Garrus sighed sharply.

“I would _expect_ you to show him some respect. Not to shy away from mentions of him, or hide away in his cabin.” Garrus looked down at him, still achingly calm and it _irked_ Kaidan so much, “The man who united the entire galaxy against the reapers does not deserve to have the only person he ever _truly_ loved trying so hard to forget about him, what he did.”

Kaidan had to reel himself in. His biotics began reacting to their conversation, his arms prickling with electric energy as his hands glowed blue. He stepped back, though he kept his posture as strong as he could. He was not trying to _forget_ Shepard. He was trying to keep his memory, to protect it.

He didn't want to have to hear about how or why Shepard wasn't there anymore, it was too much. Why couldn't he just remember him as he wanted?

“What do you know?” he retorted, which was really eloquent.

“He was my _best friend_.” Garrus replied flatly. Kaidan froze, his blood running cold and the fight going out of him, “He spoke of you constantly, Kaidan this and that,” the turian waved a hand like he was dismissing the whole argument, but turned away like he was agitated and wandered over to the railing, leaning into it, “ _Everything_ he did, _everything_ , ended up somehow being for you.” he looked back over his shoulder, “Do you think he made us make _multiple_ trips to the Citadel for the galaxy? Do you think he got to the beam and fired the crucible for the _galaxy?_ He deserves to have you know and remember that in the moment, whatever the moment was, he didn't fire that damn thing for himself, or for the galaxy, he fired it for _you_.”

Kaidan wondered for a moment if this was what being strangled felt like. Finally hearing Garrus speak like he was, like Shepard was _gone,_ made everything he was already feeling so much worse. Maybe he was drowning in it. The weight of the statement was hard enough to bear, the fact that it was true, made it worse.

_Shepard in the debriefing room after Virmire, “I chose you.”_

_Shepard in the Normandy when the Collectors attacked, “Get yourself to safety, I'll deal with Joker.”_

_Shepard on Horizon, “I'm sorry, I couldn't contact you, I didn't--” want to hurt you anymore._

_Shepard on Mars, “I don't know why Cerberus is here, damn it, I_ left _them,” because they made you_ hate _me._

_Shepard at the Citadel, “Of course I want you on my crew, why wouldn't I?”_

_Shepard at the beam run, “No matter what happens, I will_ always _love you.”_

Kaidan took a deep, shuddering breath. Garrus was hurting because he'd watched Shepard never earn the respect he deserved, Garrus was angry because Kaidan had refused to give it to him so many times. _True_ respect, not the respect that came with military rank superiority. He remembered Garrus snapping at Anderson in the shuttle about how it had been Shepard and not the Reapers who had united the galaxy.

“Do you... think we should go get breakfast?” Kaidan asked, turning to stare at the lift door. Garrus chuckled, and he looked back just in time for the turian to turn around, shaking his head.

“No, I think you should shave that _thing_ off of your face, I do not understand why you humans grow hair, but it doesn't belong on faces--”

Kaidan found himself smiling, though sadly so, in spite of the situation, that 'thing' was two days of scruff.

“and then we can go get breakfast.” Garrus concluded, a tired smile coming to his face as well.

“Right, I'll get that done so that you don't starve or something.” Kaidan shrugged, moving to punch in Shepard's security code and enter the cabin. Garrus followed him.

“Good idea, that'd be story to tell. 'Oh hey Joshua, I lived through the Reaper War and then your _human boyfriend_ starved me to death.'” Garrus shrugged leaning against the fish tank.

Kaidan choked on his own spit. He rushed into the bathroom to have a coughing fit, trying not to think of the look on Shepard's face if that were to happen, trying not to think of Shepard being dead. He ended up crying and laughing and coughing all at once.

“Do humans spontaneously combust?” he heard Garrus wonder, to which he replied by shutting the door to the bathroom.

He composed himself, and then shaved.

He certainly wasn't going to move back into the crew quarters, he needed the proximity to _anything_ Shepard, but maybe he wouldn't hide so much.

He could try.

 


	4. News

Kaidan knew his life was going to be completely different from here on out. This was like the sweet reprieve before his life would be thrown into absolute chaos. There was an entire planet to rebuild, he wasn't even sure if he would be able to continue on in the Alliance after all of this, and he wasn't even sure he knew how to live the supposed “normal life” which may come after all was said and done.

Could he even manage without the Alliance? He was completely on the fence about what he wanted to do, and while Liara had kindly reminded him that he didn't have to worry about anything _right now,_ he was determined to because it kept his mind off of the reality of the situation. He still didn't want to go back to earth and know exactly what the _news_ was that Admiral Hackett had for the crew.

There was no way to tell the Normandy to stop, not with fuel running low and everyone desperate to get to their respective homes and check in on their family. Kaidan also wanted to make sure his mother was alright.

How could he be so desperate to be somewhere, yet absolutely against it at the same time? He really wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. He wasn't sure he'd know what he wanted for a long time.

Kaidan was sitting in the starboard side observation deck, watching the stars, and now planets, go by and reading the only datapad they had been able to properly recover thus far. It wasn't exactly a priority, reports and crunched numbers weren't as important as getting home, but this datapad held something different.

Kaidan had found it on Shepard's side table. It was the only datapad which was in the rest and relaxation side of the cabin, all the others had been on his desk or the floor in the upper portion of the cabin. Curious, Kaidan had taken it to Tali and Garrus after taking a crack at it himself, they had finally been able to recover some of the data.

Though most of the data was completely lost, there was undestroyed data here and there, and one thing became obvious: It was some sort of journal.

The first entry which had been unscrambled, previously overrun with wingdings and numbers, was apparently written right after Horizon. Garrus, who had been the first one to actually make sense of the entry, smiled at it fondly for a moment before thrusting it into Kaidan's hands.

 _Nothing is mine_. It read.

 _Cerberus has taken it all from me, even the Normandy isn't mine anymore. I'm so damn frustrated. I_ have _to do this. I have_ no _other option. While the Alliance and the Council stand by and do nothing, people are dying. This is all some retaliation by the reapers, I know it is. People are suffering because the job wasn't done right the first time. I_ will _get it done this time, even if... Even if it means he never looks me in the eye again, or I have to ally myself with the man who had my entire unit killed on Akuze. Why can't_ anyone _realise that I have no choice in this?_

_He looked good._

_I mean okay, he was yelling at me, and probably never wants to see me again, but at least he wasn't dead and in that Collector ship. I thought for a moment... At least he's alive._

_Garrus said I have to talk to_ someone _so I guess this'll do._

_Joshua, 2185_

“I wanted him to talk to _me._ ” Garrus had admitted with the shake of his head and a short chuckle.

Kaidan now sat reading through the entries which had been saved, at first they seemed to be quite frequent, and then less so.

This datapad which apparently Shepard had managed to bring with him, though the Alliance had confiscated everything from him when he'd been put under arrest. Kaidan wondered how he'd managed to keep it from them, thought perhaps he'd left it with Joker and Edi, maybe they'd hid it for him.

It was interesting, reading through things which had happened leading up to the Collector base. Shepard had always refused to talk to him about it, saying that if they wanted to move past Horizon he would not be able to discuss it. He wondered, because he was mentioned several times over the entries they could recover, “I wish Kaidan had been there for that” or “I wonder what Kaidan would have said about that”. He wondered if Shepard hadn't really wanted to share that year of his life with him, if he'd been afraid Kaidan would walk away if he heard about it.

And, despite Shepard's refusal to talk about him, the drell who had passed away after the coup on the Citadel, Thane, was brought up quite a bit. He had expected to see a lot of “Garrus and I”, seeing as they had become incredibly close over the year they'd worked together, but it seemed like “Garrus and I, and Thane”.

They had become close friends, the entries read. Occasionally Garrus and Shepard would find themselves drinking in the lounge, and Thane would sit by and watch over them. “ _He's more of a guardian than an assassin,”_ Shepard had mused at one point.

Kaidan caught himself smiling, and tearing up as he read. At these things Shepard had refused to tell him, for the sake of maintaining their fragile relationship.

He set the datapad on his lap, unable to read anymore. The last entry he'd read had been from the night before what Shepard had called “the suicide mission”.

_We've done everything. Everyone is ready. I have to save my crew. This is the reason they saved me, so as long as I get this right I don't care what happens to me after. What do I have to go back to? I won't let the Illusive Man control my life anymore. Whatever he wants from this point out, it doesn't matter, I have to destroy the Collector Base and save my crew. As long as they can make it back, nothing else really matters._

_Who cares if I can or can't get back, I'm just a construct. I will not be their slave._

_I hope that Thane doesn't suffer, and that Garrus can get back to his family. I hope that Tali is welcomed back to the Flotilla with open arms, and that Legion makes it back to his people without trouble. I hope that Miranda has many more years with her sister, and that Jacob finds where he really belongs because Cerberus isn't it. Wrex already has plans for Grunt. I hope that Jack finds somewhere to heal, and that Mordin realises that the genophage was a mistake. I hope that Samara can find time for her remaining daughters. I hope Kasumi can live on properly, without Keiji. And I hope that Zaeed... Well I hope he has fun blowing things up and shooting people._

_I probably won't sleep tonight, but I doubt anyone else is either._

Shepard, always so ready and willing to give up everything for everyone else. It didn't make much sense to Kaidan, that Shepard had reserved himself to not coming out of the suicide mission, but everyone else would. As if Tali or Garrus would ever let that happen to him, as if Joker would let that happen to him again.

He hadn't personally spoken to many of the others for a very long amount of time, but by what he could gather, he had the feeling that they also felt that way.

And yet, following Garrus' words from the morning before, Kaidan could see that the suicide mission had been for his sake as well. His name wasn't on the list of people, but all the mentions of his name previously, as well as the awareness that Shepard had made many decisions for his sake, made him feel a warmth.

“Hey, Kaidan, we're reentering range of Alliance communications.” Joker announced to him over the intercom. Kaidan looked up from the window, and stood up from the chair.

“ETA?” he asked, stretching and slipping the datapad into his pocket.

“One hour.”

Kaidan looked out the window in time to see several ships, though at their speed he couldn't see them long enough to tell whose ships they were.

“Alright, I'm coming up.” he stepped around his chair and then began his walk to the lift. The ship was quiet, all the day crew was sleeping, and all the nightcrew was working. His trip from the Crew Deck to the CIC Deck was uneventful. As he reached the cockpit, he was greeted with a nod from Edi, and a wave from Joker.

“Apparently, they moved the Citadel. _No_ idea how they did that.” Joker commented, waving at the readings on the screen.

“It appears that some ships were not as badly damaged as the Normandy.” Edi added helpfully. Kaidan shook his head slightly, looking up out the windows over the cockpit.

“Any transmissions?” Kaidan asked, looking back down at the screens.

“One hail, asking for ID. Did that.” Joker responded, sounding just as tired and testy as ever, “I think I can still contact Alliance Command for a docking port, but, you know, just in case, we can always land in the Sahara desert or something.”

“There are homes in the Sahara desert, Jeff.” Edi halted her typing for a moment to smile at her screen. Joker waved his hand in reply.

“Minor details.”

There was a moment of silence, in which Joker typed furiously and Edi tapped her screen a few times.

“Home... huh?” Kaidan looked up as the Earth came into view, feeling a painful tug.

“Yeah, look at it, all undestroyed and stuff.” Joker's voice cracked slightly, causing Edi to turn toward him and begin watching him closely. Kaidan couldn't see his face from behind the chair. After what appeared to be a deep, calming, breath, Joker pressed a few buttons and continued, “Alliance Control? This is the SSV Normandy, requesting docking permission.”

It seemed so strange, given the circumstances, that they were still doing everything by protocol, but the reply came clear and crisp. Obviously the Alliance already had comm towers up properly.

“SSV Normandy, this is Alliance Control. You are requested to dock in New York.” the woman on the other side replied.

Joker withdrew from the console for a moment, looking up at Kaidan and then at Edi with a look of minor confusion. He'd been pretty sure they'd be requested to dock in London to help with the clean up.

“New York... Ma'am?” He looked back at the console, Kaidan leaned in over the back of his chair. Maybe New York was as bad as London?

“Yes sir, request comes from the top. You are to dock in New York and then wait for further orders.” She was as calm as ever, probably because she'd been dealing with a lot of confusion in the recent days.

“Uh... Understood. Docking ETA is 50 minutes.” Joker closed the channel after receiving confirmation on the landing time, and then turned to look at Kaidan. “New York?”

“Looks like. Maybe they need hands there as well.” Kaidan shrugged, he didn't really care where he ended up as long as he could get confirmation that his mother was alright and throw himself into the clean up effort.

“I suppose, but I thought they wanted us at the epicentre, you know, where the resistance was? I heard that the rest of earth was pretty bad, but London was the worst. At least have us land in Paris and figure out how to get over from there.” Joker shook his head and shrugged back at Kaidan, turning back to his console.

“Perhaps this pertains to the “news” which Hackett has for us.” Edi put in, swiping a report of some sort over to Joker's screen.

“They're being really secretive aren't they?” Joker asked, “Maybe they haven't been able to secure the channels yet.” he tapped at the screen for a moment longer before turning back to Kaidan again, “Do you want to wake the crew, or should I?” he asked, apparently ready to ring the “all hands on deck” alarm for planetary reentry.

Kaidan certainly didn't want to, though the crew would probably appreciate hearing his voice rather than the shrill alarms. He found himself shaking his head anyway. He wasn't sure he'd ever be ready to take over the Normandy. Joker made a face at him, he wasn't sure if it was disappointment or pity, and then turned to ring the alarm. He leaned against the wall, prepared to stay there until they docked. He didn't have very much else to do.

-o-

They had been in dock for four hours, Kaidan was actually itching to get off of the Normandy now. He'd not wanted to leave the ship before and now he was desperate to. He was on the bridge having a debate with Garrus and James as to why they weren't being let off of the ship yet. Garrus thought that something had gone wrong, maybe they'd been sent to the wrong dock after all. James thought maybe they were trying to figure out what to do with all the “non Alliance personnel” before they let them off. Kaidan was sure there was a logical, non-racist sounding reason. He hoped.

It was at this moment, however, that Joker came in on the intercom, “Admiral Hackett is boarding.” the announcement was short and didn't elaborate, which told Kaidan that Admiral Hackett was apparently boarding _now_. Kaidan straightened his uniform, ignoring that James was not wearing his uniform shirt. He approached the airlock, followed automatically by James and Garrus then, Tali, and Liara, who had been watching their debate in silence.

They came through the door to the cockpit just in time for Admiral Hackett to come out the corner. The man, tall and commanding as ever, snapped out a stiff salute, to which Kaidan and James replied with their own. If the man took any issue with James' state of... Undress, he didn't show it.

“I apologise for the wait, Major.” he said diplomatically, “This is a sensitive situation.” he looked around the room, gaze lingering on Edi for a moment before coming back to sit on Kaidan, unwavering.

“With all due respect Admiral, we don't know what that situation is.” Kaidan replied.

“We would like to request that you, and Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau come with us.” Hackett stated, not giving any further information. Garrus came up beside Kaidan, looking Hackett square in the face.

“What for?” he crossed his arms, “I think we've earned the privilege of knowing why you are taking our crew mates away.” he made a motion to Tali and Liara, who stood behind him, with the jerk of his head. Hackett stared him down for a moment, expression impassive. Then he looked at Tali and Liara, Kaidan didn't dare turn to check and see how they were feeling.

“This matter is of utmost importance, it must be relayed to the Major and, as it has been decided, the Flight Lieutenant as well.”

Kaidan didn't wonder out loud why James wasn't being asked to come as well.

“Is this about the “news” which you had upon our return? Why can't we all know what it is?” Tali asked suddenly, sounding anxious. Kaidan's stomach rolled, because she clearly knew what the news must be.

“That is classified, I'm afraid.” Hackett admitted, sounding genuinely apologetic for the situation.

“Admiral,” Garrus began to protest, but Liara interrupted.

“Haven't we earned the right by now to be treated equal as the rest of this crew?” she asked sharply, stepping up on the other side of Kaidan, “Whatever this news is, we have fought just as hard as the rest of this crew, we _deserve_ to know.”

There was a pause as Hackett looked over the group of people in front of him, not saying a word even though there were clearly cogs turning away in his mind. Just as it seemed that both sides were not going to back down, a slight smile tugged at the man's lips.

“I was hoping to find some sort of resistance, unfortunately that means you'll have to wait longer, but I will do what I can. No one is permitted to leave the ship until you have word, or I return.” he glanced at Kaidan and James, “Dismissed.” then turned back to go right back out the airlock.

Kaidan frowned after him.

“He just wanted to take a report back to the higher ups saying that we were _all_ going to receive this... news.” Garrus muttered, “Interesting.”

As interesting as it was, it also meant they were stuck on the ship for another five hours. It was 1PM when they finally received word, in the form of Joker contacting them shortly over the intercom.

They, Kaidan, James, Garrus, Tali, and Liara, were in the crew lounge. None of them were talking, all of them were in heavy thought.

Tali almost fell out of her chair when Joker came over the intercom.

“Apparently _all_ of you trouble makers, Edi and I are supposed to disembark.” Joker sounded like a strange mix between annoyed and impressed, “So you may want to hurry, before they change their mind again.”

Kaidan was the first to stand and lead the group back up to the airlock.

“This is ridiculous.” Garrus muttered to himself, apparently frustrated with the situation now.

“Why can't they just tell everyone?” Tali asked, staring down at her feet.

“Something must have happened, I don't see why this should be classified information.” Liara added, as the doors opened up to the CIC deck. Kaidan couldn't bring himself to speak, he was frustrated with all of this running around. Hackett and likely the Alliance knew the one question the entire Normandy was asking, but wouldn't answer it. He hadn't found whatever humour in the situation Hackett had found earlier.

-o-

As their, now significantly larger, disembarking group stepped into the space port, they were met with several Alliance officials, Hackett not included, who smuggled them from the ship into several apparently functioning vehicles. He was with Garrus, Edi, and Joker. Tali, Liara, and James were following behind.

“This is getting _really_ stupid.” Joker muttered, leaning forward in his seat and shaking his head. Edi rested a hand on his shoulder. Garrus nodded his agreement, Kaidan watched them from the front seat.

“Are they really going to march us all out to some... Where are we going anyways?” Garrus enquired, to which the man driving the car shook his head slightly.

“I'm not supposed to disclose that information until we reach the location.”

Joker scoffed, “Like hell you're not.”

“Calm down Joker.” Kaidan heard himself mutter, turning to face the front of the car. He felt entirely numb. He wondered if he should feel as angry as Joker and Garrus felt. He'd caught sight of the city which, while not as bad as London, was still _bad_. And at this point he was expecting someone to come out of no where with a banner and streamers or something which said exactly what they were all dreading.

No one seemed as upset as they did. He wondered if his military training was supposed to have taught him how to behave like they were. Calm, and collected, like the world wasn't in ruins around them.

It was in a complete daze that he and the rest of their group and unloaded on to the sidewalk outside New York's most prominent hospital.

Kaidan frowned up at their location. Even almost two weeks into the rebuilding effort there was still chaos, people being brought in by emergency vehicle and people running in and of the hospital.

While there were several entirely destroyed buildings around the hospital, only one building of the hospital was in ruins, and three others remained standing and apparently functional.

They stood silent for a minute, staring up at the hospital out of confusion, with too many unanswered questions.

“Do you think...” Garrus started but was interrupted by Hackett coming out of the sliding doors of the hospital, with several personnel behind him.

“It's good to see you all here.” he said, “I apologise for the wait, we had to pull some strings with the brass, but I know we can trust you with this. Please, follow me.”

And follow they did, but Kaidan's brain felt like it was wading through mud. There were people on make shift pallets in the hallways, doctors running around looking like they hadn't slept in days, months maybe.

“Most medical equipment is running smoothly,” Hackett explained as they approached a lift which he called and they all stepped on board, “We were very lucky to have so many scientific minds here, thanks to the crucible.”

Kaidan looked up at Garrus, who was standing at his side looking determinedly at Hackett. He glanced at James, who stood with a hand resting over his mouth, staring down at the floor. He could hear Joker, panting slightly from the strain of having to walk through the hallway at Hackett's set pace. He hadn't been taking his medication properly, Kaidan realised.

The doors to the lift opened, though Kaidan had barely noticed they were moving, and two military guards stood on the other side. Upon recognising Hackett, however, they simply saluted and let them pass.

All of this secrecy and protection. Kaidan numbly remembered Joker mentioning them moving the Citadel. And all at once Kaidan thought he'd be sick. They'd found Shepard's body. Somehow. For some reason they were showing them. Why?

“Admiral.” A smooth, Australian accent drew Kaidan out of his realisation. He looked up to see the woman they'd saved at Sanctuary.

“Miranda...” Garrus muttered from beside him, Kaidan stared at her. Why was _she_ here? Didn't she work with Cerberus, or she had worked with Cerberus?

“Is there any progress?” Hackett asked, Miranda falling in step with him and offering him a datapad. Apparently he didn't have a problem with her being here.

“No, at least, there is no change. So far we've been able to maintain all primary functions, but there is little improvement.” she explained, looking over her shoulder at Kaidan momentarily, looking... intrigued? Then she looked over at Edi, and a smile grew on to her face for a moment before she turned back to Hackett.

They came to a shut door, it and the trim around it were painted an awful teal colour. Kaidan wondered why he noticed that.

“Keep up the good work.” Hackett nodded to her, “I'll leave you in Ms. Lawson's capable hands, I have things to take care of.” and then, with the doff of a salute he was gone. Just like that.

“Miranda what are you doing here?” Garrus asked, as soon as the man took his leave. Kaidan stared numbly out the window, at the rubble all around the hospital.

“That much should be obvious, Garrus.” she looked at each member of the group, “I just need to ask that you keep quiet, I don't know if you _can_ disturb him, but if you can I'd rather you don't.” without another word she opened the door.

Garrus was the first to enter, pushing past her like he was in a hurry for something. Kaidan stood in the hallway, watching as each member of the crew, the team, piled into the room. He couldn't do it. He looked at the door, wondering why they were doing this, how they were preserving...

“Are you coming?” Miranda asked, looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

“This isn't right.” Kaidan replied, his voice low, but there was no real bite to his words. Miranda put her hands on her hips.

“Do you even _know_ what you're talking about?” she shook her head and entered the room as well, leaving the door open. He took a shaking breath, taking one step, and then another towards the door, then through the doorway.

What greeted him was not what he expected. Garrus was leaning over the bed, hands planted firmly in the sheets beside the head of the person on the bed, staring intently down at him. Tali was leaning against the wall beside the door, sobbing into her hands even though her suit prevented her from properly covering her face.

Liara was on the other side of the bed, leaning over the person as tears silently trailed down her face. Edi stood at the end of the bed watching the scene serenely, Joker sitting beside her with his hat pressed firmly into his face as his shoulders shook. James stood facing out the window, his face not visible, but his shoulders trembling.

“The Alliance doesn't want anyone to know, they're afraid for his health when the public finds out.” Miranda muttered from beside him. Kaidan felt a sob well up in his throat.

Shepard lay on the bed, eyes shut like he was sleeping. A oxygen mask over his face, all sorts of wires attached to him. A heart monitor tucked in the corner beside Liara beeped rhythmically, his chest raising and falling with each breath.

“Shepard...” Kaidan felt his mouth moving, and felt his feel moving, and then he was right up beside Garrus, looking down at Joshua Shepard.

One half of his face was covered with bandages, his arms which sat over the covers also had thick padded bandages over them, as did one shoulder and what was visible of his chest. There was a trace amount of black hair dusting his head, which had apparently been shaved for some sort of surgery. There was a cut through his top lip.

“You ass,” he heard Garrus mutter beside him with a shaky breath, before pushing away from the bed and disappearing behind Kaidan.

“When they sent out the search teams to the Citadel, I volunteered.” Miranda sidled up beside him, “Kasumi Goto and Samara found him. I figure, if I could fix him once...”

“Is he brain-dead?” Kaidan asked suddenly, horrified as he remembered the vids in the Cerberus base. Miranda chuckled.

“No. He's in a controlled coma, he has too much trauma, and burns... Who knows how he managed to wait until we got to him.”

Kaidan swallowed thickly, edging into the space Garrus had been occupying. He turned to check and see where the turian had gone, he had gone to console Tali, his forehead pressed against her face-mask. He turned back to Shepard.

“You're alive...” he muttered, reaching up to run a hand over Shepard's forehead. His hair was gone, shaved apparently. Liara sobbed softly across from him.

“We're going to have to take his plaque off of the memorial wall.” Joker croaked from the foot of the bed. A few watery laughs bubbled up around the room. Kaidan leaned in to gently kiss Shepard's forehead, letting tears run down his cheeks as he rested his forehead against Shepard's. Screw the angle and the people in the room, or his ribs protesting at the position. He was able to _touch_ Shepard again.

“God yes we will.” Kaidan replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know anything about New York or hospitals in New York, but I assume that since it's like 100 years into the future there may be different hospitals.
> 
> And I also know nothing about medical doodads and jargon.
> 
> Also, surprise, Joshua's alive. In the next few chapters I'll be transistioning from calling him Shepard to calling him Joshua, at least in dialogue.


	5. Impatiently, Stubbornly, Waiting

It was amazing how quickly things unfurled after news of Shepard's condition reached back to the Normandy.

Joker and Edi immediately volounteered with the Normandy to help ferry people and supplies to the fleets stuck in Earth space. They essentially turned the Normandy into a large supply ship, so that they could get any aliens stuck on Earth back to their respective fleets, then ferry workers out to the Charon Relay to help repair it.

Liara was currently on the one of her Shadow Broker ships, assured by Miranda that Shepard wouldn't be waking up any time soon, and was working on getting her network back up and running.

Steve and James were already out and about working on different rescue efforts, Steve mostly focusing on ferrying people and evacuations from dangerous areas, James doing the heavy work on the ground.

Javik had all but disappeared from the Normandy upon disembarking being allowed, but the Alliance later got a ding from one of the Asari ships wanting to know why a “strange alien” was trying to buy passage back to their system.

Traynor was already helping Alliance Command with communications, and was now in London. They needed to get FTL Comms back up so that they could assign other working teams to the other major relays to help with their repair.

Chakwas had taken up residence at the hospital where Shepard was recovering, but Miranda had made it clear that this was “ _her_ project” and so she had been sticking to aiding civilians.

Several of Shepard's team from when he'd worked with Cerberus came by, Miranda weedling visits for all of them out of Hackett and subsequently the Alliance.

It had been three weeks, and the world was actually starting to run again. With people who had been indoctrinated suddenly released from their mental prison, the amount of people helping out increased. Those who were stronger of mind and body immediately signing on to help, those of weaker ending up in hospitals and mental health wards.

Cars were running again, under heavy surveillance from the Alliance, as were transports between countries and continents. Most of the moving around consisted of enlisted personnel rushing from one place to another to aid in relief efforts.

Miranda had made sure he had received contact from his mother, and he had been sending messages back and forth to her via his omnitool. Apparently the interior of B.C. hadn't been hit has hard as the coast's capital, industrial, military and economic areas.

In fact, most of central North America, eastern Russia, Eurasia, and central Africa had been, mostly, left untouched. There had been Reaper scouts there and small skirmishes, no where was left entirely untouched, but the majority of Reaper activity had been seen at various Alliance Headquarters and large economic and political cities.

“Tali's going back to the Flotilla.” Kaidan muttered, reading a message from her on his omnitool in which she apologised for the suddenness of her departure, but that her people needed to start heading out to the Charon Relay to help get it back up and running, which would allow for other fleets to start heading back to their own space.

Garrus had already come by that morning to let them know he would be heading back to his fleet to prepare for their probably long journey back to Palaven. The turian fleet was practically prepared to try the journey on FTL drives alone, and Garrus wanted to make sure they didn't do that.

While everything was seemingly coming together on Earth, despite the damage, the Alliance was also desperate to get any contact with possible remaining colonies.

Kaidan leaned forward in his chair, running his fingers through Shepard's hair, which had grown to a short length in the past few weeks. Sometimes when he did that Shepard's face would twitch, but this time there was no movement.

“Everyone is trying their best to get home.” he told him, though unsurprisingly there was no response. He heard the door to the room open, and looked up to see Miranda slipping in.

“Did a nurse come in?” she asked, stepping up beside his chair and leaning in to fix the blanket unnecessarily . Kaidan nodded, watching her movements with interest. She wasn't a doctor, just an incredibly intelligent woman who seemed to understand Shepard's needs inside and out, and was running a team of doctors to perfectly fulfil those needs. When she pulled back she was watching Shepard with a look of affection on her face, which put Kaidan on edge, but he let it slide. She was doing _everything_ for him.

“Yes,” he leaned back in the chair, rubbing his hand down his face, “She did an examination and then left again.”

“Good, I needed another set of eyes on his condition.” Miranda explained, rubbing some invisible dirt out of the blanket beside Shepard's arm. Kaidan looked at the man, who still looked like he was sleeping, he knew better. He was worried. No matter how much Miranda told him that Shepard needed to be in this condition for the time being, he worried about it.

Miranda looked down at him, a hand resting on her hip as she leaned against the bed, he tried to pretend she wasn't watching him, and went back to looking through the mail on his omnitool which he'd already read. He half expected someone to send him a new one just in time. No such mail came, however.

“I wonder if having someone to sit with him will make Joshua recover more quickly this time.” Miranda wandered around the other side of the bed to examine the monitor in the corner. Kaidan watched her for a moment before his gaze returned to Shepard. He kept expecting him to just open his eyes, but he was being medicated to prevent from doing so, there was no way.

“This time...” he remembered what he'd learnt from the recordings in the Cerberus base, looking up to find her watching him again, “The last time he was in much worse condition, wasn't he?” he knew the answer, but he asked anyways, as if changing the past may help the situation. Miranda smiled at him, shrugging her shoulders in reply.

“Last time I had to use cybernetics to bring him back from what was essentially death.” she spoke matter-of-factly, either unaware or uncaring about how the frankness of her statement made Kaidan uncomfortable, “This time I just had to adjust a few of his cybernetics again and allow his body to do the majority of the work... We're just here to make sure it does the work right.”

Kaidan sighed, pushing himself to his feet and letting a hand fall to rest on Shepard's unmoving one, “I have to go, the Alliance wants to place me in London for a few weeks to help with the clean up there.” he explained, though he wasn't sure if he was speaking to Shepard or Miranda.

“Don't worry, you won't miss anything here. We plan to keep him in this coma for at least another month, if not two, and from there... Has yet to be seen, really.” That didn't give him any relief from his worries, but he nodded anyways to show her he understood.

“Rest well Shepard.” he muttered, feeling awkward showing too much affection with Miranda in the room, he settled with smiling down at his 'sleeping' lover and running a hand over his forehead before turning to leave, “I'll be in touch, Ms. Lawson.”

“Of course.” Miranda waved briefly after him before turning back to the monitor.

-o-

Kaidan sat in his living quarters, a small apartment just north of London's boarders. There was no where else for him to stay, not that he was complaining. It was a two room loft style apartment with the bedroom and kitchen in the same room, and a shower and toilet in the other room. He didn't need the kitchen anyways, everyone in the city was surviving off of rations provided by the Alliance.

The city was fit to bursting with relief workers, Alliance personnel and volounteers alike, who were working hard to repair the damage, and then there were the refugees.

He was leaning over the terminal at his desk, his muscles aching with over work. While he should probably be sleeping, he was instead reading a report which had just come in from Miranda. The report held medical jargon and test results he didn't quite understand, but seemed to amount to Shepard's condition being mostly the same, but slowly improving.

 _We were able to take the bandages off of his face._ The part of the message which had been written for him specifically explained.

_Joshua seems to be completely stable, but it is of my and some others opinions that he should remain induced until we can be sure the burns and trauma are properly healed. The previous swelling of his brain, that I detailed in my last report which resulted in some emergency surgery, has gone down._

_If you remember me mentioning, we had this issue with him last time, where he kept reaching near consciousness. He's certainly stubborn, isn't he? Maybe he wants to see you again and he's protesting._

Kaidan's lips formed a thin line as he read that sentence. Sometimes she made statements like that, which made him slightly uncomfortable. A woman he barely knew seemed to have some strange understanding of their relationship. At the same time it almost seemed like she was wistfully hoping that Kaidan would be able to return and magically fix everything. He wondered if she was as worried as he was.

_I heard rumours that most of the military workers in London are going to be kept there for another few weeks, I'm sorry if that's true. I'll be here._

_Miranda Lawson_

Kaidan sighed, closing the terminal down and leaning back to look at the clock on his desk.

2:45AM

He should be sleeping, he knew that, but he felt antsy and unable to keep his hands idle. From morning until night he and the hundred odd other workers in his section of London, Barnet, were working to aid building works, moving materials and relocating refugees. In the month that he'd been there, this section of London was starting to look like a part of the city again. They were still removing rubble, and there were some buildings which were completely irreparable, at least in the near future, but people were starting to live again.

He'd seen a family just walking down the street the other day and it had made him feel _great_.

There were rumours that the relay out to Citadel space was almost fully repaired. Which would subsequently get the Asari, Salarian, and Turian fleets home once their relays were fixed.

Everything was moving along according to plan, in some places better than plan, which was why he was going to be stuck in London for another month. They wanted to finish up their work before leaving, complete it so that the citizens didn't have to worry. Any buildings which would need to be knocked down and then built back up again would be taken care of later, for now they were stable enough to not collapse.

He'd received a communication from Steve Cortez earlier that day, saying he was working on the West Coast of the US with James Vega. Kenneth Donnelly and Gabby Daniels were working in Westminster, where the majority of the damage had been done. He had seen them a few times since coming to help with the relief efforts.

Kaidan yawned stiffly, leaning back in his chair and staring up at the ceiling. He was exhausted, but at the same time he didn't want to stop. He wanted the world to be in perfect shape when Shepard woke up. If he could have been up at the mass relays with Joker and Edi, working to help fix them so that absolutely everything was perfect for Shepard when he awoke, he would have been.

If he fell asleep here though, he wouldn't be able to work properly the next day, his body would be too stiff. So, he stood up and wandered over to his bed, sitting on the side of it as he kicked off his boots and undid his uniform. It had taken him a few weeks to realise that no one was going to inspect his little house, he'd started not worrying so much about whether his shoes were lined up by the bed or not. He still had everything well organised, and deposited his uniform into his laundry hamper when he was undressed.

With another yawn and the languid stretch of his shoulders and back, he pulled his blankets back and climbed into bed. Tomorrow was going to be another hard day of work, but he was more than comfortable with that.

-o-

The world was fuzzy, spinning, fluffy, and twinged with pain all at once. He struggled to bring himself to the top despite something desperately trying to drag him back down into unconsciousness. Where was he? Where was the Normandy? Where was Kaidan?

His heart was pounding, his mind was running at a thousand miles an hour but providing him with nothing.

“He keeps _waking up_.” he heard a frustrated woman snap, he tried to open his eyes to see who she was, but his eyes rolled and the world outside them was blurry.

“Up the dosage.” another woman replied back sharply, “Joshua stop this, you keep sending yourself into shock!”

He reached up a hand, reminiscent of that fuzzy memory he'd always had of when he'd woken up at the Cerberus facility.

“M...” his mouth wasn't working, it felt full of cotton-- actually nothing else was working either. The twinge of pain was turning into a full on roar.

“Relax, we're taking care of you. _Rest._ ” Miranda said to him, her voice quite a bit softer.

He could barely feel the hand which had taken his. His attempt to squeeze her hand, to tell her that she was mistaken and he couldn't rest, didn't take. Was he back on the Cerberus facility? Had the past year and a half been a dream?

Consciousness was slipping away again, the pain ebbing. He tried to squeeze Miranda's hand again.

“Kaidan Alenko is not going to be pleased if I have to explain in my report that you _died_ because you wouldn't take a bloody nap.” he heard Miranda complain, but he felt like he was hearing it through earmuffs.

He felt a hand pass over his forehead gently, covering his eyes, the hand holding his squeezing lightly, and then everything went dark again.

-o-

“Your boyfriend is more trouble than he's worth.” Miranda stated plainly, her hands on her hips and her posture stiff. Kaidan raised his eyebrow at the woman.

The vid call had come after several days where there were no reports, and Kaidan was very close to making the call himself, when it had rung just as he was getting in from his day's work. A glance at the clock told him it was 11:30, so... 6:30 where Miranda was.

“Actually that's a lie, he's _worth_ quite a bit.” she relaxed, though she now crossed her arms.

“Could you... Elaborate?” Kaidan asked, caught off guard by the call because he wasn't sure what to expect. From Miranda's tone, it seemed like everything was fine, but the lack of communication had set his nerves on edge.

“I got a call a few nights ago, from the nurse in charge of monitoring Joshua's condition. His heart rate was elevated and his brainwaves were off the charts. I rushed in to find that he was... awake.”

Kaidan jumped up from his desk chair. “He's--”

“No. We had to up the dosage to put him _back to sleep,_ he's not ready to wake up yet Major... desperate as he was to stay awake.” Miranda shook her head, a smile growing on to her face before it melted away again. “I wasn't sure how to tell you, so I figured I'd wait for a night when our schedules matched up and explain it as much in person as I could manage. I was certain you'd misinterpret something and come rushing back.”

“How did you know when our schedules would match up?” he asked, dropping back into his chair.

“A woman like me has connections, regardless of the state of the planet. Communications are back up and I have my ways of finding the information I need.” Miranda explained, a wry smile on her lips.

Kaidan sighed heavily, thinking about Shepard waking up and how much he wanted for it to happen right now. “Is there anything besides that?” he asked.

“No news is good news Major. The last thing we need is for him to wake up too soon, and cause himself more trauma. He is not ready to wake up no matter what he thinks.” Miranda shook her head, dropping her arms to her side and watching Kaidan with that same interest she had held over a month before.

“He has always been terrible at listening to doctor's orders.” Kaidan admitted, scratching his head before dropping his hand into his lap and staring out the window. To his surprise, Miranda started laughing. Well, it was more of a well controlled chuckle, but it was something.

“The Illusive Man thought that putting Doctor Chakwas on the Normandy SR2 would make it easier to monitor Joshua's physical health, but he hardly ever spoke to her, and when he did need medical treatment he almost always broke her recovery rule and went out the next day.” Miranda said, shrugging and looking at something in the room she was in.

“Ms. Lawson--”

“Miranda is fine.” she interrupted, waving away the word like it was a cloud of dust.

“Miranda, then, I'll be coming back to New York at the end of the month for a few days, but then I plan to head back to Vancouver and help with the relief effort there.” Kaidan leaned forward, his elbows on his legs and his hands clasped between his knees.

“Don't worry, I plan on continuing to take very good care of Joshua.” Miranda said, “I get the feeling that if anything bad happens I'll get sent to jail. I don't plan to be a scapegoat.”

“Thank you, I really appreciate it.”

“I'm not doing this just for you Major. You may be the one who will reap the benefits, but I'm doing this for Joshua and all the people who have been with him along the way.” Miranda explained sharply. It seemed like a redeeming statement of some sort, like she'd said something in the exact contrary to it at some point and was trying to fix it.

“Kaidan is fine, Miranda.” Kaidan smiled, which earned a half smile from Miranda in return, “I'm sure that Shepard truly appreciates it.” Now Miranda really did smile, a sad sort of smile.

“That would be nice. I'll see you at the end of the month, Kaidan.”

“Right, see you then.”

With that, the feed cut out. Kaidan frowned at the screen, then back out the window. He was relieved that Shepard was alright, he had been concerned that the call would be far more serious than it had been. He sighed, standing up and heading straight over to the bed to fall onto it and just stare at the ceiling with his hands clasped over his chest.

He hated being out of control of the situation with Shepard, but he was starting to feel like he could actually trust Miranda to take care of him. She really did seem to have a great deal of affection for the man, and seemed to want the best for him.

Kaidan was frustrated that he wasn't the one who could take care of him, but when he thought back to how he'd felt on the Normandy almost two months ago he knew the situation had improved exponentially since then. Every day was getting better. He was just terrible at being patient. It was probably a very good thing that he was able to keep his hands busy, if not for that he'd be going stir-crazy.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out his omnitool, transferring the most recent communication from his mother on to it from the nearby terminal and beginning to read it. He stopped halfway through, dropping his arm down onto his stomach and closing his eyes.

Every day that Shepard was alive was a good day in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hurt me I know nothing about medical things. I'm just a lowly dramatic writer who spent 2 hours trying to figure out the distance in lightyears between Earth and Palaven only to come up with nothing and also have no idea where the Cronian nebula is.
> 
> That's my way of letting you know that I'll be taking a lot of liberties from here because I couldn't find any specific information on a lot of things I need, so if I break canon for you I'm so sorry.


	6. Progress

The sheer magnitude of the repairs was almost unfathomable to Kaidan. Just like that last day in London when they had heard cheering rising up from several of the work groups around them and the young private had come running up to announce to them that the relay to Citadel space had fired successfully, every time he saw the progress he was more shocked.

Vancouver had been a nightmare. Working in London, somewhere he'd never been before, somewhere he couldn't connect to memories and feelings, had been easier for him. When he'd landed in the ruins of Vancouver Airport in Richmond, the runway still intact, but the majority of the building destroyed, he spent an hour just looking. He had looked at the rubble around him, realised it was probably as bad as London had been, but it felt worse because it was _home_.

London and Vancouver were similar in size. Vancouver proper was smaller than London but, not for the first time, Kaidan had wondered whether the Reapers had known where Shepard was and tried to do more damage there. The core had been absolutely toppled.

Now he was helping rebuild Burnaby. He was working in a group of three hundred, rebuilding houses. The majority of downtown Vancouver had been business buildings and highrise apartment buildings, such things required building crews, machines and engineers besides architects and man power. Most of the people he was working with were volounteers or Alliance, and all of the good intention in the world didn't give them the right education to properly build an actual city.

“Hey Major!”

He looked up in time to catch a water bottle thrown at him from a young civilian named Carter Wilson, who insisted on using his rank. Kaidan nodded at him appreciatively and pulled off the cap, immediately downing half of the bottle. It was hard not to pour it over his head, as hot as the work was, but wasting water wasn't an option, they were still trying to repair the water system to non-integral districts.

“I heard you're checking out in a few days.” Carter said, following Kaidan back over to the planning tent. Kaidan looked at him as they entered the tent, the change in temperature measurable. He stretched his neck and shoulders.

“Yeah.” he replied, completely noncommittal. Shepard's condition was still classified, but this time he had no official reason for going back to New York. He'd been able to excuse his departure from London as returning to New York to confer with Hackett about his knew assignment.

“Going to visit your mum again?” The young man nodded at the architect who was overseeing the building on their street, before turning back to look at Kaidan eagerly.

Carter seemed to have painted Kaidan as a hero, as had a few others who knew about his service on the Normandy. With the Alliance's silence on Shepard, most had assumed he'd died in the final battle with the Reapers. He'd had people come up and give their condolences, momentarily transporting him back to that terrible place he'd been in on the Normandy before they returned to Earth, before he remembered that Shepard was still there.

Now Kaidan just shook his head, “Not this time, no.”

“You're being transferred somewhere else? Isn't your family near _here_?” Carter frowned at Kaidan as he looked over the construction plans. There were several other civilians like him, who wanted to know his every move. When he'd taken a week off a month after he'd started, and then a few days off half a month after that, to go and make sure his mother was safe and settled, they'd all insisted on knowing where he was going.

It had been four months now, since the Normandy had limped back into Sol system and back to Earth. He'd been caught up, insistent on working because he didn't know what else to do. Complacence would probably drive him mad. The week before he'd started work on rebuilding Vancouver he'd spent with his mother in her home in the interior. It had been a relief to see that most of the town was intact.

A few days earlier, however, he'd received a communication from Miranda in which she told him the amount of hours he had spend working versus the amount of hours he had spent with Shepard, as well as the usual progress report. Considering the other, slightly less obvious, hints she'd dropped, Kaidan had decided to request leave to take care of Shepard.

Kaidan had discovered that Miranda was fiercely protective of Shepard, for whatever reason. She had specifically said to Kaidan that while she didn't have any say in Joshua running around and mistreating himself, she definitely had a say in whether anyone _else_ mistreated him.

“I'm not being transferred, but I can't say any more than that.” Kaidan explained, checking to see his work assignment for the evening.

“Classified?” Carter asked, sounding excited as he followed Kaidan out of the tent and down the road.

“Yeah, classified.” he agreed, looking around at all the people working, how much progress they'd made. These houses would be completed within the next half month, displaced people would be able to return.

“You should just say classified, it sounds super cool.” Carter beamed at him, and Kaidan found himself cracking a smile as well.

At that moment his omnitool beeped, and Kaidan pulled it out to find a new message.

_I was hoping I'd have time to wait until you got here to say a proper goodbye, but the fleet is desperate to get back to turian space. I'll be back as soon as I can to check on Shepard, but for now I need to go back home and help rebuild. I assume you'll be taking up seat warming, since Miranda informed me she sent you a strongly worded message. I just hope it will be soon, because Shepard misses you. Well, not that he's exactly communicating right now, but he was never good at that so I'm just assuming. Take good care of him for me Kaidan._

_Garrus_

Kaidan chuckled softly, shaking his head and putting away his omnitool. He knew that Garrus had been visiting Shepard for the last little while, while the turian fleet prepared to head home, but he had been working so hard it had slipped his mind. Miranda wasn't the only one who was fiercely protective.

Carter was watching him when he looked up from reading, and he shrugged.

“It's classified.” he said. Carter laughed, slapping him on the back and disappearing into the house which was being built. Suddenly Kaidan was desperate to return to New York.

-o-

“There you are.” Miranda said, unsurprised, but unpleased. Kaidan gave her an indulgent look before turning to the man who still lay unconscious on the bed.

“Of course, my flight was scheduled to arrive two hours ago.” he replied, approaching the side of the bed and running a hand through Shepard's hair and then down his face. He imagined he felt Shepard lean in to the touch slightly, but he couldn't let himself believe that. Beyond twitches and slight movements Shepard hadn't shown any sign of waking since the last incident two and a half months prior.

“I was just waiting for the communication in which you suddenly decided to also go help rebuild Berlin.” Miranda stood against the wall across from the end of the bed, reading a datapad.

Kaidan sighed. Garrus' approach had been much more direct, going for the gut and bringing Shepard in to it right away so he'd spent his last days in Vancouver wishing the days would end as soon as they began so he could get back to New York quicker.

Miranda, was not pleased with him and he could tell. She apparently hadn't expected his visit before he travelled to Vancouver to only be a few hours long, or for him to be gone for so long afterwards. He had yet to figure out whether it was because she had wanted to test out a theory with having him close to Shepard while he was unconscious, which Liara had suggested, or if she was actually concerned that Kaidan had somehow abandoned him.

“Not this time Miranda.” Kaidan stated, with confidence, leaning forward to press a gentle kiss to Shepard's forehead. “He looks so much better without the bandages.” he commented, completely off hand, though there was a scar over his left cheekbone and another on his lip just like the one he'd had when they'd first met. He saw Miranda glance up from her datapad in his peripherals as he pulled away.

“Joker and Edi were in here... the other day.” Miranda looked back at her datapad. Kaidan glanced over at her and noticed how tired she looked. Apparently even genetically modified super people started showing exhaustion after months of little to no sleep. He knew since the last incident with Shepard trying to wake that she had been monitoring him most hours of the day, be it through direct contact or through levels which were automatically delivered to her in the form of messages and reports. Her pause in trying to remember just when Joker and Edi had been there showed her exhaustion more than her face.

“Are we still keeping him...”

“No. We are lowering the drug which we are using to keep him under to ween it out of his system. I had expected more activity, considering his previous behaviour, but now he's gone completely quiet.” she explained concisely, “I guess now we just... wait. The last time I had to wake him. It wasn't good for him, it was a large shock to his system, but he handled it at the time... I'm not used to waiting for Joshua, usually he just is.”

She was perturbed by Shepard's inactivity. Kaidan smiled kindly at her, before turning back to Shepard.

“He was healing before. Maybe now he's getting some of that rest he desperately needed.” Kaidan sat down in the chair which was always beside the bed, there was another in the corner beside the window. Miranda seemed to feel more comfortable with her almost bird's eye view from the foot of the bed, standing. He took Shepard's hand.

“He's probably needed rest for the past four years.” Miranda agreed softly, tucking her datapad into her pocket and stepping forward to fuss with the blanket hanging over the end of the bed. “I'm going to grab some coffee.” she said and, when Kaidan just nodded at her and continued to gaze adoringly at Shepard's face, she turned to leave the room.

“Go take a nap, you've needed a rest too. I'll be here.” Kaidan instructed, but he didn't look up. Miranda didn't reply, the next thing he heard was the click of the door shutting.

He sat in silence, listening to the heart monitor and the sounds of Shepard's breathing.

“Garrus went back to Palaven.” he said, but then shook his head, “But you'd know that, because he was here just a few days ago to say goodbye to you.”

Sitting alone, but not alone, with Shepard was unnerving for him. There was always a part of him that hoped that a loud sound or maybe standing up and shaking him slightly would wake him up, but he was also worried that nothing would happen. So he was stuck in his fear, and ended up doing nothing.

He'd come in once, during the first weeks after the Normandy had landed, to Liara simply telling Shepard stories, and again later to Garrus pacing and complaining about something to do with the turian military's organisation of the fleet. He felt uncomfortable doing that. Instead he ended up sitting in silence and then getting emotional and asking Shepard to wake up.

Sitting alone in the hospital room, where all the sounds of the city in rebirth around them was cut out by sound proof windows, walls, and doors, it was like they were the only ones in the world. It was as if time stretched on forever, as if Shepard would never wake up.

Now though, Garrus' well placed barb made him want to speak, to let Shepard know he was there. Because if Shepard _could_ miss him, or had any concept of how much time had passed, he worried that Shepard was suffering, or thought he wasn't coming back.

“I just... can't stay still.” Kaidan admitted, squeezing Shepard's hand and bringing it up so he could touch his lips and then forehead to Shepard's fingers, “Thinking about you lying here and doing nothing... it makes me want to do enough work for the both of us.”

He held Shepard's hand in his own hands, rested against his forehead as he leaned forward into them.

“What I wouldn't give to hear your voice again...” he muttered, and here was the part where he got emotional. He took a shaky breath, “But I promised Garrus I'd take care of you and make sure I'd be with you when you woke up. If that means I have to sleep in here on the tile floor I will.”

His reply to Garrus, which he had received no reply to, had been one which was meant to make Garrus feel better about leaving. His terminal had assured him it had been delivered before the turian fleet left the Sol system, but Garrus had probably been far too busy to check any messages he may have received. Yes, he was going to be returning to New York soon, he had written, and no he wasn't going anywhere until Shepard awoke again.

Whether the turian had received it or not he didn't know, but he was determined to make good on his word, he needed to for his sake, and Shepard's, as well as Garrus's.

-o-

“ _What I wouldn't give to hear your voice again...”_

It felt like he was wading through a thick mud, or a swamp. He couldn't move, he couldn't even see. He was certain his eyes were open, but all he could see was black. He felt like he was floating, or underwater.

Kaidan.

Kaidan had been the one to say that, just like Garrus had been the one to tell him he would be back as soon as he needed him, just like Miranda had muttered frustratedly at him for not 'just waking up'.

But how could he reply? Every time he tried to form a coherent thought it danced away. Even now, he couldn't remember what he'd been thinking about before he came to this, where he was, how he got here. He thought, maybe, he could hear Kaidan muttering, or his voice was far away now.

Why was this happening? What _was_ this? He could feel his body, he thought he could feel his body, but nothing moved, or if it did he couldn't feel it or see it in the pitch darkness.

He felt numb, but over-sensitised. He could hear something, sometime, but then nothing, or it was as if he were hearing through cotton. He was nowhere, but somewhere because there were people. There _were_ people... Right?

Was he dead?

God, if _this_ was death he needed to apologise to Garrus because... why exactly?

There was the press of lips to his forehead again, he _knew_ when that happened, it created little sparks in the darkness, and he could _feel_ it for eons... or no time at all. He didn't know, he just knew he was warm and safe as long as they were there, but then they were gone and he was left with nothing again.

“ _I love you.”_

He tensed, did he? He wanted to tense so he could keep that lovely feeling of affection and love and safe in his heart, but if he did he didn't know it. Kaidan. Did Kaidan know that he loved him as well? Did Kaidan know how long he had loved him?

Did Kaidan know that the reason Ashley had died on Virmire was because he was a selfish and terrible man who acted on love instead of duty and made a call based purely on his emotions? Oh god what if he did know that?

Maybe this was punishment for that for... for every time he'd made a bad call, or made a selfish call. The thought of Horizon made everything suddenly too bright and he recoiled away from it, or didn't. Did Kaidan know how hurt and angry Horizon had made him? Did Kaidan know--

There was a hand running through his hair, maybe. It was far away as if he was feeling it for someone else. It was different from Kaidan kissing his forehead and trying desperately to convey--

“ _What's wrong?”_

“ _I thought I saw him flinch.”_

“ _Muscles sometimes twitch to make sure the body doesn't forget how to use them.”_

“ _I know.”_

 _No Kaidan don't sound so disappointed._ He thought and it was the first clear, real, solid thought he'd had in a long time.

And why was he talking to Miranda like they knew each other? His tone was relaxed with her... He didn't like that. Just like he didn't like Kaidan talking to women at Purgatory or commenting on the asari strippers at Chora's Den.

The world was dark and colourless, a great expanse of black. He kept thinking it would be nice to reach up and then touch his face, to make sure he had a face, but as soon as he decided that might be a nice idea it was gone.

Liara had told him... sometime, that darkness was good, and it was light he should be avoiding. He'd seen it, once, twice, maybe more times. He thought she would be pleased that he hadn't gone anywhere near it, though it seemed to chase and follow him sometimes.

Tali cried at one point, first yelling at him for tricking her about something, then apologising for yelling at him, then... she said something about a wall and Kaidan. He didn't remember.

He didn't remember anything really. Did he even remember what he thought he remembered? What if he didn't?

What if he was stuck here in this nothing, in this underwater, floating, darkness?

No. That wasn't good enough. He needed to try harder, whatever harder was. He didn't want to be here or stuck. He wanted to be there, where Kaidan was, where the crew of the Normandy was. He just needed to... do _something_.


	7. Inbetween

It had taken Kaidan far too long to convince Miranda he wasn't actually going to go anywhere. He had already been at the end of the first month of his extended leave before she started trusting him to stay in the room long enough for her to actually try and get sleep elsewhere. Otherwise she would just show up about half an hour later, not long enough to nap by any stretch of the imagination, and insist she was fine.

Kaidan had developed a great affection for the woman. She doted over Shepard like a worried mother, noticed when there were slight changes in his body which meant he was feeling pain or uncomfortable in some way. It had taken him ages to understand the man on a face to face level, and she understood him in the very readings on his charts and the slightest twitch of his face. And he still didn't have his understanding of Shepard down.

Movement had become more common. He'd been sure at one point that Shepard had actually flinched, but Miranda had insisted it wasn't so. They both had come to the conclusion that the movements _must_ mean his body was working towards consciousness, but he wasn't sure if that was because they wanted it to be so or if it was actually true.

Kaidan was surprised how easy it had been to find somewhere to stay, Hackett pulling some strings definitely had something to do with it. Despite actually having lodgings Kaidan spent many evenings at the hospital, just sitting with Shepard, usually with Miranda hovering around or puttering in and out of the room.

Shepard still refused to wake up.

“He's not resting anymore.” Miranda told him frustratedly one evening, making a very displeased face at the unconscious man, “he's just doing it to be annoying now.”

Two months in to his extended leave, almost six months since the end of the war and the beginning of the rebuilding effort, and Shepard still lay as if he planned to do so for eternity.

They had started taking turns. Kaidan would worry out loud about Shepard's state and Miranda would tell him it was what Shepard needed and they needed to let his body decide, or vice versa. Miranda usually worried by sounding annoyed with Shepard, or making an off hand comment about something she felt Shepard should be awake to see.

“How did you ever do this for two years?” Kaidan asked, the question leaving his lips before he could catch it and bring it back. It had been something of an unspoken rule between them, Miranda only briefly referring to her previous work with Shepard, because actually talking about it meant Kaidan admitting that Shepard had in fact been dead and that Miranda, _Cerberus_ , had helped him come back to life.

The response was practically automatic, Miranda's eyebrow raising up, her arms folded over her chest, leaning back into her chair and crossing her legs. For a moment Kaidan didn't know if there would be an answer, Miranda effectively shutting him out without speaking, but then she looked over at Shepard, her expression softened, and she sighed before dropping her arms back on to the arm rests.

“I didn't really. He was a project for me, he was dead for the first several months, an experiment... Joshua never told you about it?” she glanced over at him, inquisitive.

“No. It was mostly my fault, I think that after Horizon and Mars he was... afraid to mention anything about his work with Cerberus.” Kaidan admitted, running a thumb over the back of Shepard's hands. Sometimes his fingers twitched, this time they didn't.

“What happened on Mars exactly?” Miranda asked. As Kaidan had figured, she had already known about what had happened on Horizon.

“I asked him what Cerberus was doing there.” he shook his head dejectedly, feeling foolish for his previous actions.

“That would have hurt him.” Miranda's arms were folded again as she watched him.

Kaidan's mouth quirked slightly, “Yeah, it did.” he could still remember the look on Shepard's face.

“Joshua hated me to begin with,” Miranda said, suddenly changing the subject, “I think he saw me as the shackle which tied him to Cerberus. Without me, he probably would have gone off and stopped the collectors anyway, and just done it without the Illusive Man dogging his every step.”

Kaidan had a hard time seeing Shepard as disliking Miranda. He'd practically run off ahead alone when he realised that Miranda was in the facility at Sanctuary with Kai Leng prowling around somewhere. Besides the fact that, when he'd accepted her father's surrender, she'd killed him anyways and he hadn't gotten upset with her for disobeying his decision. He'd also snuck off to meet her several times on the Citadel after Sanctuary was done with. Some part of him had assumed they had been friends since the beginning.

“He wasn't mean, I don't think he has the capacity to actually be mean, but he was cold. He never wanted to take me out on missions. Every once in a while he'd come back to check if I was still breathing, but I think he did that as a courtesy rather than out of any actual interest.” Miranda shifted slightly on her chair, “I felt the same about him, actually. I felt that he _cared_ too much, it was vexing. Every human and alien he brought on to the Normandy he cared about. I just wanted the job done. That's all it ever was to me, a job.”

Kaidan nodded, he could definitely see them rubbing each other the wrong way if that was how they had felt about it. She certainly wasn't over exaggerating, Shepard seemed to care about every person he met. Only a small handful had managed to escape his caring.

“Then how did you two become so close? I couldn't see you volounteering for this, if it's still just a job.”

Miranda looked at him for a moment, then looked up at Shepard and smiled sadly.

“It stopped being a job the second he turned the Normandy around when we were headed to the Citadel, and brought us straight back to Illium because I _asked_ him to.” She stood, turning his arm to check on his IV line and make sure the needle wasn't pulling, “That was it, I asked him because I wanted to protect my sister and he did everything within his power to make it happen. I had wanted to control him, to turn him into a puppet, and in that moment I regretted it, because a puppet wouldn't have made the face he made and promised me we'd make sure Ori would be okay, he would have continued on with our mission.”

“I see.” Kaidan muttered, shuffling awkwardly in his chair. Part of him wanted to be angry at Miranda for having wanted to control Shepard, but seeing how much she did for him and hearing her speak with so much regret stopped him. It also made him feel guilt, because Shepard had insisted he was not being controlled with so much earnest, and Kaidan hadn't even tried to believe him.

Miranda was right, he wouldn't have been able to make such expressions if he'd been under control. He wouldn't have cared about Kaidan being on Horizon, at Alliance Headquarters in Vancouver, or thinking he was still with Cerberus on Mars. Kaidan sighed, they were things which he owed Shepard apologies for, apologies they'd both tried to avoid because they were too afraid of the consequences.

“I tried to 'convince' him to become more loyal to Cerberus,” Miranda admitted, “I tried to entice him and make him like me superficially to create that loyalty. It didn't work, obviously, he wasn't interested in the slightest. Your meeting on Horizon told me why, and I expected him to come back to the Normandy cursing the day you were born, or talking about how you'd betrayed him, but he just... went up to his cabin and stayed there for a few days. That was the first time I learnt how loyal he was. Not to things, or organisations, but to people. We met Tali'Zorah on Freedom's Progress, and I couldn't understand how he could trust everything this quarian was saying.”

“Sometimes I worry about that loyalty.” Kaidan admitted, shaking his head a little.

“He was never loyal to Cerberus, Kaidan.” Miranda said sternly, her gaze boring into him for a moment before she shrugged her shoulders and began to cross the room to the door, “Coffee?” she asked, her hand on the doorknob.

“Please.” Kaidan nodded, standing up as she exited the room, so he could lean closer to Shepard. He pressed his forehead against Shepard's, a hand cupping his cheek. “I'm so sorry,” he muttered, “I should have believed you the second you told me, everything.”

_Now just wake up._

That was left unsaid. Shepard needed to wake up on his own, when his body told him it was ready, but Kaidan really wanted that time to be now. He stood straight, watching Shepard's face closely.

Miranda had been good, leaving Shepard's side of the story out of it, because Kaidan really needed to have conversations with Shepard about his time with Cerberus, but it made him want to know _now_.

How had Shepard felt about this and that? Why hadn't he felt comfortable telling Kaidan about it, in his own words and not Kaidan's speculations? He needed to let Shepard know he'd listen to anything he had to say, he wouldn't make him feel like he had to deal with things alone anymore.

The door opened again.

“That was quick.” Kaidan said, not bothering to turn around.

“Two months is hardly what I'd call _quick_ Kaidan, I think you need to check your watch.”

Kaidan spun around, to find none other that Garrus Vakarian standing in the doorway. He gaped at the turian, before remembering his manners and shutting his mouth, tilting his head in confusion.

“Uh... Are you lost, Garrus? Palaven is in another star system.” Kaidan said, Garrus chuckled.

“I bartered my way on to a turian ship which was running supplies to the Citadel,” oh right, they were starting to fix that place now, “I got your message, and I figured you'd send word if there was any change, but... eh, what can I say, I'm impatient.” Garrus stood at the foot of the bed, resting his hands on the bar at the end of it and looking at Shepard for a long moment.

Kaidan shook his head, turning back to Shepard. Liara had gone back to Thessia, Tali and the Flotilla on their way back to Rannoch. Most of the main relays were working, though many had fired once, broken, and then had to be repaired again. He had not expected any of them to return while Shepard was still unconscious.

“Hey.” Garrus said, and it didn't take a genius to figure out he was specifically addressing Shepard, “I just wanted to let you know that my family made it home safe and sound. Thanks.”

“How long do you have?” Kaidan asked, looking back up at Garrus, who shrugged.

“Twenty-four hours, but it's long enough. He's not awake yet and despite what he may think, one sided conversations aren't actually fun.” They smiled at each other, and then Miranda returned, carrying two coffee mugs.

“Ah, Garrus, I heard you had suddenly reappeared.” It still shocked Kaidan every time something didn't surprise Miranda, even as he took his coffee from her he couldn't help giving her a look of disbelief, “What? They're good friends, I knew there was a turian vessel arriving to help deliver supplies to the Citadel Project, I knew he'd be back.”

“Yeah, but there have been asari vessels as well.” Kaidan shot back, still alarmed at the amount of information Miranda seemed to have for no good reason.

Garrus interrupted, “Yes, but Liara is trying to rebuild the Shadow Broker network, and she had a hard time seeing Shepard all hooked up. He has hair now though, and no more bandages, so I don't see the issue. Actually he almost has too much hair.”

Kaidan had to laugh at that. Shepard had always been so careful to keep his hair the right length, and now he had bangs and a good two inches of growth, but none of the nurses, nor Miranda or Kaidan, could bring themselves to cut Shepard's hair while he was unconscious. Kaidan had helped with the small amount of facial hair, however.

“I'm sure he'll take care of it when he wakes up.” he said, sending Shepard a meaningful glance which meant nothing because the man couldn't see it.

“He may pull it out.” Garrus chuckled, “Once, he forgot to cut his hair, which is apparently something you humans do on a schedule... weird, anyways, we were on a mission together and he kept fooling around with the hair on his neck. When I asked him what was wrong he said he felt like it was _tickling_ him. After that he kept it shorter for a while.”

Kaidan ran his fingers through Shepard's hair, “Who knows, maybe it won't bother him as much if he's not on duty.”

“Is he being discharged?” Garrus asked, sounding mildly concerned.

“Honourably, but yeah.” Kaidan replied.

Miranda folded her arms, balancing her cup on her elbow, and sent Garrus a look, “He won't be in any shape to go charging around the galaxy any time soon. Even if he's healed, he still needs to go through physiotherapy to build up any muscle strength he's lost, all this time not standing means he may have trouble walking at first.” Miranda sipped her coffee, causing Kaidan to remember his own and so he sipped his as well.

“He won't like that.” Garrus warned, eyeing Shepard warily as if expecting him to get up and protest, “What about you Kaidan?”

“Right now I'm on leave, Hackett is calling it a well earned vacation, but as soon as I can I'll be back out there... on local duty. The council is still essentially dissolved until further notice so there's no word on the Spectre stuff.” He had caught the look Garrus had started giving him, one which told him that Garrus didn't approve of the idea of Shepard being left alone.

“Hm. Maybe I'll have to move to earth, make sure someone is keeping Shepard company. Otherwise he'll start trying to hitch rides to Omega and start trouble there because he's bored.” the threat wasn't serious, but Kaidan got the gist of it.

“I won't be going far and I'm not going anywhere until he's properly healed.” Kaidan assured, holding up his free hand to silence any complaints and taking another sip of his coffee.

“Good. Because I may just get bored, come here, and _help_ Shepard hitch a ride to Omega, and if no one is here to stop us, we could get in to a lot of trouble.”

-o-

Time didn't have a meaning here.

Thoughts didn't have shape.

Still completely unaware of what _here_ was.

He felt though. Definitely felt.

Garrus was back. How long had he been gone? It felt like forever and no time at all. He just knew there was a moment at least where he wasn't there, and now he was.

His slow, constantly drowning mind provided him with the thought of a tropical world and a bar. _That_ had something to do with Garrus.

He really wanted to have a conversation with Garrus, about his family and about Palaven. He wanted to tell Miranda to take a nap, because something just _told_ him that she hadn't been sleeping properly. He wanted Kaidan to touch him again.

Maybe not all at the same time... maybe it didn't matter. He didn't know. He felt like a thick cloud was rolling over him, like a sandstorm which didn't hurt.

He slept.

-o-

“Nothing yet, huh?” Garrus shook his head, watching Miranda looking over Shepard's charts for what must have been the fiftieth time since he'd arrived.

“No.” she confirmed. She stared blankly at the chart before she sighed, one large heavy sigh, all of her weariness showing in the same moment. Her shoulders fell, as if there was a heavy weight about them. Apparently she had been trying to hide just how exhausted she was from Kaidan, though he had probably noticed to some extent.

“Miranda,” Garrus began, but he didn't get far.

“I've done everything right. There's not a single move I've made which I can regret, but it's not like last time. Last time I had to see him come back from nothing, but I was only concerned with success, with the job.” Miranda sighed, looking at Shepard with what Garrus could only describe as longing.

“That's probably why he's giving you a hard time.” Garrus chuckled, “He's not very good at listening to his friends, meanwhile he'll take direction from the Alliance, the Council--”

“Cerberus.” she shook her head slowly, a smile growing on her face.

“Only when he had to.”

“Is that why he won't wake up? Ori has been messaging me constantly for status updates, sometimes I don't know what to tell her.” Miranda sighed, letting her arm fall to her side, charts going with it. Garrus thought it was interesting seeing her like this, completely the opposite of when he'd first been acquainted with her, calculating, cold, formidable. She was certainly still formidable, but she seemed more _human_ and less perfection and genetic anomaly.

She genuinely wanted Shepard to get up right now and be one-hundred percent right away. Shepard had told him about Miranda wanting to plant him with a control device. He'd disclosed what he hadn't told Miranda when she'd told him, that the admission had hurt him, that he wasn't sure he could trust her properly again afterwards.

Garrus knew Shepard would be so grateful to know just how diligent she was working, how much she wanted to right that wrong. Once he would have called the act selfish, and Miranda unforgivable, now he saw the apology which came with the hard work and the genuineness behind her actions.

Garrus shook his head, looking out window, through the cracks in the blinds out into the darkness of the night. He wanted to make her feel better. “If you knew how _exhausted_ he'd been before coming back to Earth, you'd probably understand.” His shoulders dropped forward slightly, his eyes downcast, “I didn't do the best job of taking care of him.”

Miranda scoffed, “It's hardly your responsibility.” Garrus scoffed right back at her, raising his brows at her and fixing her with a sarcastic look.

“Joshua doesn't do it himself, someone has to.” he shot.

“I thought it would be Kaidan's job.” Miranda admitted, looking up at him with a raised eyebrow. His mandibles twitched, which apparently turned into his answer because Miranda looked away from him and back at Shepard. She sighed, “I thought, but--”

“No buts, they'll figure this out. They've only had... What? Four months on an Alliance warship, running around the galaxy with their tails on fire. Kaidan is a good man, but Joshua has become very secretive. It's hard to take care of someone when you don't realise that they need it.” Garrus shrugged, catching Miranda glancing at him before she began fussing with the blanket and pulling it up Shepard's chest as if she was concerned he was cold.

“What happened to formidable, cold and calculating, Archangel?” she asked, and Garrus laughed. He pointed at Shepard.

“His fault. And I'm still formidable.”

A half smile tugged at Miranda's lips, she set the datapad with Shepard's charts on the bed beside him, and turned to face him Garrus properly.

“When is your shuttle leaving?” she asked, her voice heavy with exhaustion again.

Garrus glanced up at the clock on the wall above the chair Kaidan was always sitting in, “In three hours. I... have to leave soon.” he admitted, glancing at Shepard, “He'll be fine.”

The half smile which had tugged at Miranda's face tugged in the opposite direction, she stuck her hand out to shake his, but he bypassed it, pulling her in to a gentle turian hug. Humans squished really easily. It was brief, a short expression of affection and comfort.

“He'll be fine.” he insisted, “And once he wakes up, you'll wish he was still out because he'll start trying to run laps around the hospital.”

Garrus ignored how when Miranda laughed she also sniffed, an indication of a human trying not to cry. She shook her head, exhaling a soft laugh and then glancing back at Shepard.

“Yeah, I will won't I?”

“Definitely, now come on, I'm putting you to bed before I have to leave.” he'd already sent Kaidan home to sleep, so now he set a strong arm around Miranda's shoulders and proceeded to steer her out of the room.

Shepard would be laughing at him right now, saying how he was taking his place. The thought actually made a smile come to his face. Taking care of people wasn't too bad, he thought, but from now on he'd leave the job to Shepard, hopefully it'd inspire him to wake sooner.

“I'll see you later Joshua, rest well.” he called over his shoulder. To his shock, he swore he saw Shepard's lip tug, though it could have been a trick of the light. He shut the door behind him, a soft click in the hallway, empty save for the one man set to guard the lift. The first lights of morning where starting to peak into the windows.

Garrus sighed and led Miranda down the hall. It would be really great if Shepard would wake up soon.


	8. Ten

He had gotten used to it now, he thought, sitting in Shepard's room and talking to him, really talking to him. It had been so hard to do at first, sit and just talk for minutes, sometimes hours, but Kaidan had earned quite a bit of time for practise now.

Ten months on, ten months since the Crucible had fired, and Shepard still lay unconscious. Miranda had actually been ordered by Hackett to take two weeks off two months prior. Kaidan had known she had been running on fumes, showing on her face and in her behaviour. She had come back afterwards, still looking like she hadn't rested enough, but insisting she was okay to continue working.

There wasn't much else to do, but Kaidan couldn't stand spending time away from Shepard now that he'd spent so much time close by. After Garrus had gone back to Palaven, Kaidan had chanced a few days back in Vernon with his mother, but the knot in his belly which the distance created hadn't been worth it. He had kissed his mother on the head as he left and told her he wouldn't be back until Shepard was, and she had completely understood.

Now he was heading to Shepard's room after breaking for dinner, and he had things to tell him. Sometimes he wondered if this wasn't better than therapy. The Alliance had stopped guarding the hallway seven months in, which didn't really make a difference since the majority of the medical cases from the war had been taken care of long before, but they had wanted to “return the other rooms to the facility”. The other rooms being the other seven rooms and the connection from one section of the hospital to the other.

He passed people now, a patient who had been in a car accident, a couple of doctors. Shepard's room was locked, though no one had actually shown any interest in it. He was pretty sure a few of the more savvy doctors and patients had figured out exactly why he was there, but they just smiled when they saw him.

Kaidan fished his key out of his jeans pocket, swiped it through the card reader beside the door and stepped through at the door slid open.

“Hey Shepard.” he looked at the unconscious man, who's hair had grown so long he was certain that Shepard would throw a fit when he woke up. Apparently Shepard's hair was fluffy when not cut short and slicked back.

Of course there was no answer, but the disappointment didn't affect him as much as it had done several months back. Neither he nor Miranda had given up on Shepard waking up, though Miranda had stopped expressing her disappointment in him still being unconscious and now just glared at him frustratedly from time to time.

At some point through the months, Kaidan had started going over the things he'd always wanted to say to Shepard, but hadn't. He wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to once he'd woken either, so if Shepard just so happened to hear was he was saying, maybe it was a good thing. Though he could only imagine what Shepard would have to say after all he had said.

Kaidan rested a hand on Shepard's knee through the blanket, thick because it was winter now and Miranda had insisted he was cold. He squeezed lightly, “The woman in the cafeteria has definitely figured out you're here.” he chuckled, “She, like everyone else, doesn't know that you're... still like this, but hopefully that won't be for too much longer.”

He had stopped asking Shepard to wake, and had started just making strong indications that he wanted the silence to end. The spike in activity had fallen completely silent, Shepard had stopped twitching, or moving in any way. The only thing which kept his hopes up was that Miranda insisted his brain activity was normal. The right cocktail of fluids, nutrients, and drugs made sure his body was still functioning properly.

It was easier than having to go through those two years without Shepard, after the Normandy SR1 crash. It was harder than watching Shepard walk away on Horizon. There were moments when Kaidan was so frustrated, feeling like Shepard was right there but he couldn't actually reach him. As much as he wanted to take a hold of him and shake him awake sometimes, he didn't.

“Chakwas returned to the Normandy, they're helping with the Citadel Project.” Kaidan explained, running his hand up and down Shepard's shin for a moment before sitting in his chair with a sigh. “It's a mess, the vids are saying they're having trouble figuring out how to move the Citadel back to Citadel space. They got some of the systems back online though, and most of the rubble cleaned out, even though they haven't started any actual rebuilding. Joker called earlier, he wanted to make sure you were still out before he signed on to spend the next months on the Project... like he'd leave the Normandy anyways.”

He paused, because Shepard would laugh there or chuckle, or something. He could hear Shepard's reaction even as the silence stretched.

“Nothing from Garrus, but I think he's really busy. Liara checked in a week back, she wanted to tell you she “headed off Javik”, but wouldn't tell me any more. James started N7 training...” Updates were important, if Shepard heard them. After ten months of sitting there doing nothing, Shepard would probably vault out of the bed as soon as his eyes opened.

Silence had become a lot more comfortable now too, he didn't feel like he needed to fill it as much, but felt like he could if he wanted to. He could listen to Shepard's breathing, and as long as he could hear it he knew everything was fine. The rhythmic beeping of the heart monitor had since become like a white noise which he could filter out if need be.

Sitting in silence with Shepard was sometimes just as healing as talking to him, he'd discovered. He could let his mind wander, let himself think of better and far worse times. It was like all of those days, evenings, and nights on the starboard observation deck, sitting in silence and just thinking, except Shepard was with him. He didn't have to worry about whether he was somewhere else on the Normandy and taking terrible care of himself.

He could think about the easier times, the first few days on the Citadel, going to fetch Liara from Therum. He could think about the harder times, when Shepard had made _the call_ on Virmire, those tense moments after the battle with Sovereign where he and Wrex had both thought Shepard had been done for.

He found himself smiling at the thought. Seeing Shepard come limping over the massive wreck which had been the piece of the reaper, that wicked smirk on his face. Kaidan had been caught between wanting to punch it off of him, hug him out of relief, and being in front of a superior. He'd given in to the hug, only for a moment, before settling for looking very relieved and letting Shepard squeeze his shoulder with the wrist he hadn't broken.

“You know,” Kaidan leaned forward, resting his forearms on his legs and clasping his hands lightly between them, “After Saren, I thought you were invincible.” he admitted, nodding his head slowly and looking at his hands. “You got through gunfire, charging krogan _and_ geth, and a piece of Sovereign landing on _top_ of you with a few cuts and bruises, Doctor Chakwas patching you up and sending you on your way... but then with the collectors... Seeing you blow up with the Normandy... I--”

“'m pretty sure explosions are my one weakness.”

Kaidan froze. His hands which had been clasped lightly, clenched tightly around each other. He suddenly wanted to look everywhere but up, because maybe he'd imagined it, the practically whispered words which sounded like they'd been said over sandpaper. The perfect response, like they'd been having a real conversation.

“Kaidan...”

He looked up, up and into vividly violet eyes which were just cracked open as if they were heavy. Shepard was turned and looking at him with an alertness he hadn't expected, even as his eyes remained half-lidded. What had he expected? He stood up, and the gaze followed him, looking vaguely intrigued. Okay, so... so now what did he do? There wasn't a handbook for this, no Alliance regulation which told him how to greet the man he'd been waiting to wake up for ten months, who now watched him like he'd been awake all along.

“H... hey...” he choked, edging up to the head of the bed and reaching up to run a hand down Shepard's face. This time Shepard raised a hand and it covered his own, his breath caught in his chest.

“Did we win?” Shepard croaked. Kaidan smiled, because if they hadn't won they wouldn't be in a hospital and it had been almost a year and the question was so _Joshua Shepard_ that he felt the tears he'd been holding in pour down his cheeks. He nodded slowly.

“Yeah, yeah we did, but shh,” because Shepard opened his mouth to speak again and began rubbing out his tears with calloused fingers, “don't start talking all at once.” That of course made Shepard frown and his brows lower over his eyes, an expression which Kaidan didn't realise he'd missed until just then.

He couldn't help it, he leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss against Shepard's lips. Lips moved back against his own, and the hand which had been on his face threaded through his hair and pulled him closer. It didn't matter that Shepard's mouth tasted absolutely terrible. He was laughing when he pulled away, his own hand going through Shepard's hair and over his ear.

They watched each other for a long moment, Shepard's eyes studying him and Kaidan having trouble deciding whether to leave and go get Miranda or not. He didn't have to decide whether to leave Shepard however, because the door opened behind him. He pulled back from him, turning to look at Miranda, who came into the room with her nose to her datapad as usual. Shepard grabbed his arm and squeezed.

“Kaidan have you seen the vids? They're all talking about--” as she looked up to address Kaidan properly her gaze automatically snapped over to Shepard, who looked at her with his lips quirked in a half smile. For a while she just stared at him, her datapad forgotten. Apparently she didn't know what to do in this situation either.

“Figures you'd have something to do with this.” Shepard said, still low in volume, but it sounded less like sandpaper now. Miranda looked at Kaidan as if to ask if this was his doing, as if he'd done some magic or something. Then she looked back at Shepard, her eyebrows rising slowly, and her lips tugging down at the corners as if she was fighting them to keep a straight face.

Miranda seemed to wonder for a moment which side of the bed she should stand on, taking a step forward and then seemingly remembering that Kaidan was standing on the right side of the bed before going around to the left.

“Good morning Joshua.” she said curtly, setting the datapad down on top of the heart monitor and proceeding to fiddle with the IV bag instead of actually interacting with him. Kaidan chuckled at the look of dismay on Shepard's face as he followed her movements.

“I think you made her mad.” he counselled, earning a dirty look from Miranda and a confused look from Shepard.

“How'd I do that?” Shepard asked, looking between Miranda and Kaidan. He shuffled in the bed, trying to sit up straighter, only to have Miranda's hand fall upon his chest to stifle the movement.

“Don't move yet you... you shouldn't move until I've... run some tests and...” Miranda's fingers twitched slightly on Shepard's chest, and Kaidan watched as she took a stuttering breath and one side of her mouth quirked upwards.

“I'm not answering any questions about whether or not I saved the council.” Shepard warned, which made Miranda scoff and take her hand away a little to quickly so she could ball it into a fist and hold it against her chest like she was protecting it.

“Good because I'm not asking them.” she retorted, reaching back over to pick up the datapad and focusing on whatever was written on it. Shepard turned back to Kaidan and ran a hand up his arm. Kaidan felt a shiver run up his spine. It was all so surreal. He wondered if he had fallen asleep in the chair and would wake up.

Then Shepard smiled at him, and he knew without a doubt that he wasn't sleeping, because that smile was only so brilliant when it came directly from the man himself, never so in his dreams.

-o-

He felt in a daze, looking around the room at the whirlwind of activity which came after Miranda had announced she needed to contact the nurses and his doctor to run the few tests she had mentioned. When Kaidan had turned to offer his assistance Joshua had reached out and grabbed his arm again. He couldn't figure out why he kept doing that.

Now he was answering questions which the doctor, a Dr. Roth, had been asking him for what felt like an hour. Kaidan stood over him on the right side of the bed, the doctor on the other. Whenever Kaidan indicated he was about to move away, even just to sit down, Joshua felt anxiety pang in his gut. He saw the Normandy flying away, and the beam, and felt the moment where he had reserved himself to never seeing Kaidan, or any of his crew mates, ever again.

The doctor had noticed, he kept giving Joshua this look which made his skin crawl. Like he thought he understood.

Miranda had been in and out of the room. First he'd had people poking and prodding at him, then he'd been asked to flex certain muscles, there have been blood tests, _then_ they had pulled out the catheter and his dick still ached for the trouble. Now it was twenty questions.

Did he know who he was? What was the last thing he remembered? Did he remember this or that?

Some things were fuzzy, he didn't recall a good deal after the Normandy had left with Kaidan and Garrus on board. He remembered small details, he'd had a run in with the Illusive Man and shot him before he could shoot Anderson or himself. Anderson had died next to him, the thought making his hands shake. There had been an AI, a choice, he'd made it, then there had been an explosion.

He remembered the explosion.

He vaguely remembered a blue light, which Miranda had told him was probably Samara's biotics, and the pain which had been unbearable as he'd been moved, and then nothing.

He remembered bits and pieces during his almost year long rest, parts of conversations or statements which he couldn't for the life of him pin down to any person in particular. He vividly remembered waking up previously as well.

“I was born on Mindoir.” Joshua muttered frustratedly as the doctor asked him if he knew where he was, “Miranda told me I'm at a hospital in New York but that means about as much to me as asking you if you know where Afterlife is.”

Dr. Roth shrugged at him. Joshua threw a sour look at him. Kaidan's hand squeezed his and he switched tracks just like that, turning to offer him a lop sided smile and squeezing back. Kaidan smiled, and Joshua had to hold back the urge to kiss him silly. Kaidan had been cautious since the doctors had arrived, the affection which had flowed freely for the first minutes of his awakening stemming down in to a gentle touch here and a squeeze of his hand there.

The doctor put his datapad in to his coat pocket, giving Joshua a once over before walking around the foot of the bed. Kaidan stood up straight, retracting his hand from Joshua's as he did so. “Well as far as memory goes everything seems fine.” he said, looking between Kaidan and Joshua, “I'm going to go and sort out some physical therapy session dates with Ms. Lawson and I will check on you later. Good to see you up Mr. Shepard.”

As the door clicked closed behind Dr. Roth, Joshua sighed heavily. He leaned forward, feeling the muscles in his back tugging in protest as he did so. His cybernetics would help with the muscle rebuilding, Miranda had told him, but he would still be stiff and probably uncomfortable for several days. He stretched forward, trying to coax the muscles to relax a bit, then lay back into the bed which had been propped upwards so he was at least sort of sitting.

“My hair is too long.” he complained lamely, blowing his errant bangs out of his face. Kaidan laughed at him, so he pouted, crossing his arms and staring at the blinds which covered the window.

“I knew you'd have a problem with that.” he could hear the grin in Kaidan's voice, “But just bear with it a bit longer, we'll take care of it in the next few days.” Kaidan's fingers started carding through his hair, and Joshua leaned in to the touch.

“You're still here.” he muttered, and began wringing his hands roughly on his lap. The movement in his hair stopped, but Kaidan didn't retract his hand.

“Yeah, why wouldn't I be?” Kaidan asked, and Joshua could think of a million reasons all at once that Kaidan wouldn't be there. Everything from Virmire, to Cerberus, to Joshua having almost died on him, but not really, all over again. He swallowed, which had gotten a lot easier since he'd been aloud to brush his teeth.

“Ten months is a long time, I figure you'd be out with your mom or helping with the relief effort--”

“I did that, then Garrus and Miranda got all up in arms about it, they were right so I came here.” Kaidan's hand started running through his hair again, and he felt better for it.

He didn't feel like he'd done well by Kaidan, gallivanting around the galaxy and then getting himself blown up. He hadn't even offered false promises to Kaidan saying he wouldn't leave him behind, he'd just run off to do his mission and get it done his way.

Seeing Kaidan as he woke up had been something amazing. Hearing him talking about Saren and the Normandy, he wondered what else he'd missed that Kaidan had said to him. He wanted to hear it all again, he wanted to have a real conversation with him. He wanted to apologise for all the dancing around the issues he'd done in the last several months.

Within the last few hours he'd wondered why Kaidan hadn't just left again, gone off and moved on like he'd done before. Mutterings of love and affection didn't change the fact that Joshua had gone and done the exact same thing he'd done with the Normandy SR1. Besides, he'd been pretty sure that Kaidan's sudden apparent interest in him had been lodged in some place of guilt and suffering which Joshua himself had created in him.

“Hey,” Kaidan pulled him out of his thoughts. Joshua looked up at him, expression neutral to hide what his brain was doing behind his eyes, but apparently Kaidan had caught on without his permission. The hand which was now at the back of his head pulled him in to a gentle kiss. He reached a hand around to press against Kaidan's back, pulling him until Kaidan's hips met the bar on the side of the bed and he could be pulled no closer. When Kaidan pulled back he had a soft smile on his face, “Whatever you're thinking is probably completely unfounded.” he assured, pressing his forehead against Joshua's and sighing softly when Joshua pursed his lips and looked away from him.

People weren't supposed to be in his head, they were supposed to stay out so that he could think as much as he wanted without being ignored or understood or anything. Words were too heavy, Joshua had stopped bothering to use them a long time ago. Unless it was related to the mission, everything stayed inside and it was safer that way.

“I'm just thinking about getting out of here.” he lied, and Kaidan knew it because when he stood up straight again he had that unimpressed look on his face which Joshua hated because it was Horizon all over again when he saw it. His gut twisted, he'd been trying to avoid that look since Mars.

“You don't have to lie to me, I can see it all over your face.”

What was wrong with him? He'd done this time and time again, lying for the sake of keeping the peace. He just had to recall his military training, keeping his expression completely neutral. Instead he averted his gaze again, focusing on his left foot and watching as he flexed his toes. He would be on his feet, at least enough to hold himself up and then sit in a wheelchair, in the next few days.

Kaidan sat in the chair, watching him flex his toes for a few moments before he spoke again, “I'm not going to hate you if you tell me why you've gone so quiet all of a sudden.” he said, voice low and comforting. It was a trap, probably. The universe trying to lure him into making a really bad decision. He was used to that. He turned to Kaidan with a well trained smile on his face.

“I'm fine. It's just a lot to take in for one day.”

“You've done this before.” Kaidan prompted, but Joshua did not rise to the bait.

Joshua could say that it wasn't something he could get used to, or say that he didn't remember the last time, but that would mean acknowledging that it had happened, and every other time he'd ever brought Cerberus up he had ended up with Kaidan down his throat. Even having Miranda in the same room as Kaidan had made him uncomfortable. Instead he just shrugged in disinterest, staring off at the trim on the wall at the end of his bed.

Kaidan sighed, “Look, I know you don't trust me when it comes to talking about Cerberus, but I heard some things from Miranda while you were out and--” Joshua's gaze snapped back to Kaidan.

“Like what?” he demanded, so much for being disinterested.

“That you hated them, and her. I also found... that datapad of yours in your cabin.” Kaidan looked up at him, matching his panicked look with one of determination. It took a moment for Joshua to remember which datapad Kaidan could be referring to. He was pretty sure he'd left twenty odd datapads on his desk before coming to earth, he couldn't imagine which one would have had information on Cerberus.

Then it hit him, “It was encrypted!” he protested, hands clenching in to fists in the blankets over his legs. Oh god if Kaidan had read that then he really didn't know why he was here.

“The blast from the Crucible ruined it, Garrus, Tali and I tried to recover some of the data.” Kaidan stood as Joshua covered his face with his hands. “We didn't get all of it, but we got enough.” Kaidan's voice was smooth and calm, and it felt like razorblades running up and down Joshua's spine.

“You read it.” he mumbled into his hands, before dropping them back in to his lap and leaning forward heavily, “Kaidan I'm sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” the question was honest, not one laced in sarcasm or warning letting him know he'd better know exactly what he was apologising for. Kaidan's hand ran up his back and then back down again, “Unless there was an entry in there that I didn't see where you were cursing me, most of it just seemed like you were upset about having to work with Cerberus, angry at the Council for not helping you, and... missing me.”

The hand didn't stop it's movements even as Joshua hesitated to answer. Of course there hadn't been a entry where he cursed Kaidan, and of course he had been missing him. He'd been lusting after Kaidan since those moments after he'd awoken in the medbay after Eden Prime and he'd seen the quirk of those lips when he'd thanked Ashley and Kaidan for dragging his sorry ass back to the Normandy.

“I missed you,” he admitted, “But I was also working for Cerberus and that... that is unforgivable.”

“You were doing the right thing at the time.” Kaidan insisted, the hand on his back curling around his shoulders and tugging him closer. His head connected with Kaidan's chest and he was reminded vividly of those quiet moments in the last night on the Normandy when Kaidan had insisted he needed a break. “I'm sorry for making you think you had to shut me out like that, you don't.”

Thoughts of the beam run made his gut twist, thoughts of Anderson made his hands shake, thoughts of telling Kaidan everything he'd ever wanted to tell him when he'd come back to the Normandy made him feel like he was going to be sick.

He needed to do everything to make sure Kaidan didn't leave again, turn his back on him like he had on Horizon or end up almost fatally injured as he had been on Mars. He snaked an arm around Kaidan's back, pulling him closer. He was aware his hands were shaking. Kaidan leaned down and pressed a kiss to the crown of his head.

“Not right now if you don't feel it.” he added, taking away a huge portion of Joshua's stress with the statement, “We've got all the time in the world.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay Josh is awake, but I came to the realisation that he wouldn't refer to himself as his last name in his inner monologue, hense the name change over.
> 
> Also I suck at describing, so if anyone is interested there's a picture and description of Josh over here: https://charahub.com/character/286165/Joshua-Shepard/
> 
> It's mostly a WIP but the description is finished so yeah. There you go.


	9. Dreams

Joshua clenched his teeth. He looked out over the golden fields of Horizon, the receding Seeker Swarms. He felt too warm. His hair was sticking to the back of his neck, though that wasn't the worst of it. He was covered in all manner of ick. Dead bugs which had squished on him because they didn't know he was there, that awful gunk which got everywhere when Husks blew up, and the giant flying bug had blown up into some kind of acidic goo which had gotten all over his armour.

He was awful. He stood on the edge of the platform of the tower he'd been protecting, the stairs right up against the back of his feet. The wind blew, his hair rustled. The sweating and the fighting had really messed it up, there were strands hanging in his eyes. No doubt he _looked_ like he'd just fought a horde of collectors, husks, and strange giant bug.

Garrus and Mordin should look like it too, but... He looked around, glancing over each shoulder, reaching for a weapon which wasn't there. No one was there. Nothing was there. The fields reached on forever, but the colony was empty.

The wind blew, but there was no one to hear it. Had he failed? Had the entire colony been abducted? But... If that were true, then he'd never get to meet Samantha Traynor.

He looked down at his hands, the thought leaving as thought it had never been there to start with.

“Commander Shepard.”

His gaze snapped up from his hands to Kaidan, who was coming from around behind a crate, and bringing that low husky voice with him. But, no, Joshua knew this, and he didn't like how it was going to end.

“Captain of the Normandy, first human Spectre, saviour of the Citadel.” Kaidan paused before him, face blank, unreadable. Joshua's stomach clenched. Unreadable Kaidan was bad Kaidan, and he knew that because he knew he'd done this before. But there was no Garrus, no Mordin, no random engineer who didn't know who he was.

“Hey Kaidan, it's good to see you...” Nope, that wasn't the way to start this conversation. He longed to step forward, take a hold of Kaidan and tell him everything, about Cerberus, the collectors, how much he needed him, but his feet were locked in place.

“Hey? It's been _two years_ , and that's all you have to say?” Kaidan was angry now, “I thought you were dead.”

I wasn't dead, he wanted to say, “I was dead, well, in a coma. I tried to contact you, but everyone told me you'd moved on. I didn't want to open old wounds.” he did say.

“I had moved on, at least I thought I had, but then I got these reports saying you were working with Cerberus... Cerberus, Shepard? Don't you remember what they did? All those experiments, your unit on Akuze?” Joshua flinched at that, the accusing tone, like he was doing something wrong, and old wounds open fresh at the mere mention. He felt the glare of every soldier who had died on Akuze, but it was just them in the field, there was no one else.

“I'm going to stop the collectors, and I need Cerberus to do so.” No, _no_ , here he needed to explain himself properly, show Kaidan that he was Joshua Shepard, not Cerberus' Shepard.

“Do you really believe that? Or is that just what Cerberus wants you to believe?” Kaidan took a step forward, but it was a bad step, a step which held all sorts of implications. Joshua opened his mouth to protest, but Kaidan was glaring at him and it shut him up quickly. There was hatred there. “I wanted to believe you were alive, but I never expected this. You've betrayed the Alliance, you've betrayed _me_...”

Joshua shook his head slightly, the shortest of movements because he couldn't even believe the words coming out of Kaidan's mouth, but he could because he'd heard them before. Why couldn't he fix it?

“I'm doing this because I _have to_.” he insisted, tempted to reach forward and grab Kaidan, shake him, but Kaidan was still glaring at him and his blood had turned to ice, freezing his muscles in place, “The collectors are targeting human colonies, they're working with the reapers. It has to stop.”

“And what if Cerberus is behind this? What if they're using the reapers to manipulate _you_?” Kaidan asked, and Joshua had considered it the first time Kaidan had said that. It didn't make sense, Cerberus being all about “furthering humanity” and all, but if he could have dropped everything and given up working for Cerberus to make it all right... But it didn't make sense. None at all.

There was no Garrus to cut in to defend Joshua. He was alone in the field against the one person he never wanted to go up against. He remembered with a fire in his stomach, anger and anxiety both, that the Illusive Man had done this on purpose. Sent him to the colony too late, made sure he would run into Kaidan and made sure Kaidan would know he was with Cerberus.

He shook his head, gaze dropping to the ground between them for a split second. It felt inevitable, the words heavy, “It's not about Cerberus, they have no reason to work with the reapers.”

“This is exactly about Cerberus,” Kaidan snapped, “You've changed Shepard, but _I_ know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier, I always will be.” he said and shook his head as well, “I've got to report back to the Citadel, they can decide if they believe your story.” Now he turned to leave. Joshua felt like his tongue had swollen. He took a tentative step forward, following Kaidan's four or five steps away.

“Kaidan, I could use you on my crew... I--” saying the name snapped Kaidan out of his walking away, and he turned back. Unreadable. No, unreadable was bad all over again.

“I'll never work for Cerberus.” Kaidan said, and that was the end of it, he was walking away. Joshua took another step forward, feeling compelled, but it was wrong. Here, he was supposed to radio Joker, leave Horizon, watch Kaidan walking away and thinking he'd never see him again. But he took another step forward, his hand going for a pistol that hadn't been on his hip a moment before.

The edges of the world were rippling like they weren't real. He felt like his body was asleep even as he pulled the pistol up, aimed. No, no, he didn't want to do this. This was wrong, why couldn't it just go like every other dream of Horizon he had where Kaidan walked away and he woke up feeling cold and--

_Bang_

Joshua gasped, flailing his arms out and yelling as he sat up in the bed. He didn't know where he was, it was dark, he was gasping for breath, his skin felt like there were needles running all over it, and he was shaking. It wasn't just his hands, he was shaking from head to toe. He felt like his bones were shaking rather than his muscles.

Then the lights were on, and his eyes fell on Kaidan, who had apparently said his name a few times, but the blood had been rushing in his ears and he'd completely forgotten about the hospital and the cot which Kaidan had been sleeping in beside his bed.

“Shepard, are you okay?” Kaidan asked, eyes wide with alarm. He reached forward to tentatively place a hand on Shepard's arm, which he realised he'd wrapped around himself tightly.

“I-I uh...” The gunshot, the gunshot had been...

“Do I need to call the nurse?” Kaidan's voice was forcefully calm, but there was still an edge of panic. Joshua shook his head, unable to get the words out of his throat, which had apparently swollen shut. The air he was gasping wasn't coming in fast enough, his chest was tight and he couldn't stop shaking.

All he could see was Kaidan glaring, Kaidan unreadable, Kaidan turning to leave and-- Kaidan stepped away from him, and Joshua instinctively reached out to grab his arm and pull him back, “No!” he tugged on Kaidan's arm until he'd turned back to him.

The small voice, the remains of his rationality, told him Kaidan was just going to get the nurse, that it was entirely possible he was having some sort of episode and he needed a sedative to calm him down.

“Shepard you're shaking like a leaf.” Kaidan said softly, touching Joshua's cheek gently and watching him with great concern. Joshua turned, wrapping his arms around Kaidan's chest and shifting on the bed so he was sitting over the edge, they'd removed the bars the evening after he'd woken up. Kaidan stood between his knees. He rested his chin over Kaidan's shoulder, even attempting to tug him closer to his chest with his chin.

“Don't leave, god, please don't leave.” Joshua whispered into Kaidan's ear. He squeezed Kaidan closer and Kaidan, possibly in an effort to not get crushed, wrapped his arms around Joshua's neck and squeezed him back.

“All right, I'm not going anywhere.” Kaidan replied lowly, running a hand over Joshua's back. Joshua's shaking subsided slightly, resting in his hands, which had clenched into fists at Kaidan's back.

They stood in silence, and finally Joshua's thinking slowed from a mile a minute, his eyes slid shut. He had a hard enough time with his mind providing self deprecating thoughts at the normal speed.

The small voice in the back of his mind was glad that Kaidan had so much patience with him. The louder more irrational one said it wasn't going to last very long. He'd been far too understanding, far too patient, far too interested in sitting in on his sessions with the therapist and listening about everything. He'd get annoyed and, eventually, he'd leave.

His grip relaxed a fraction, and Kaidan began to thread his fingers through the hair at the back of his head. If they hadn't cut his hair to the right length again it would have bothered him, as it was it just made him sigh out a breath he didn't known he'd been holding in.

He wanted to tell Kaidan everything, tell him about the dream, tell him about Cerberus and Horizon and the gunshot, but he didn't dare. He didn't want Kaidan to look at him like _that_ again or leave. God, don't let him leave. His hold on Kaidan increased again and Kaidan pulled away from him. Joshua's heart jumped into his throat, his hands gripping Kaidan's hips to keep him there, but all Kaidan did was run a hand down his face and lean in to look at him closely.

“Shepard, what's going on?” Kaidan asked, and Joshua pressed his lips together to stop himself from spilling it all out at once. He furrowed his brow, looking down into the space between them.

“Just a bad dream, I guess.” He hated how weak it sounded. Commander Shepard, saviour of Earth, the man who stood up against the collectors, hordes of reaper forces, an actual reaper, taken down by a scary dream. Kaidan would roll his eyes, at least look disappointed. But the hand which was holding his face didn't move, except for the thumb to rub at the corner of his lips.

“I think we all have a few of those.” Kaidan replied, and Joshua looked at him in shock. Kaidan's mouth twisted in a sort of half smile which was comforting because he wasn't glaring at him, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Yes.

“No.” he shook his head, finally letting his hands fall from Kaidan's hips and resting his elbows on his legs as he leaned forward. His body suddenly felt like it weighed a ton. Kaidan's hand began running through his hair again, the other resting on his knee.

Lying straight was hard, usually he lied by omission or by twisting the truth. Kaidan's lack of a reply told him that he knew it was a lie too, but Joshua wasn't willing to share the details. Just thinking about it made him shudder, his hands started shaking again. He clenched his hands into fists, but it didn't stem the shaking. Kaidan placed a hand over his. It helped a little bit.

“Horizon.” Joshua croaked finally, hanging his head in a valiant effort not to see Kaidan or his reaction. He'd be frustrated, it was old news, they'd talked about it before.

“Ah.” Kaidan replied, and it scared Joshua that it wasn't a full answer. It wasn't approval or disapproval, it wasn't really anything.

“Look,” Joshua put up his hand defensively and looked up again, scooting back on to the bed so he was farther away from Kaidan because distance was safe even if it made his stomach clench, “I know we've already spoken about this. It's an old story, we don't need to go over it again.” Joshua clasped his hands over his lap, Kaidan crossed his arms and stood with his weight on one hip.

“We don't?” he asked, and Joshua heard 'do you really believe that?' and it was exactly what Kaidan meant, but Joshua heard wrong. He heard Kaidan on Horizon, he heard distrust and saw that look, he heard the gunshot. He flinched. Kaidan noticed, a hand went to his shoulder and squeezed. “Shepard...”

“We don't.” Joshua slipped back on to the bed, swinging his legs back up. Kaidan's hand fell back to his side. Joshua thought he saw disappointment, but he was sure he was wrong, projecting. “We should get back to sleep.” he muttered, laying back on the bed and resting his head on the pillow. He looked over at Kaidan who stood over the bed in silence.

“Shepard...” Kaidan sighed, shaking his head, and Joshua rolled away on to his side so he wouldn't have to see Kaidan's shoulders slump and watch him climb back into his bed. He gripped blanket to try to stop his hands from shaking again. There was no sound of Kaidan climbing back onto the cot, which squeaked terribly, but then there was the sound of Kaidan sighing again, “Move over.”

Joshua tossed a look over his shoulder, his eyebrows raised. He watched Kaidan pull back the blanket and start climbing on to the bed. The intent was clear, but there really wasn't very much room on the bed. He inched closer to the edge of the bed anyways, turning away again as Kaidan got up on to the bed, which creaked at their combined weight.

Joshua released the blanket as Kaidan settled behind him, the weight and heat was comforting. His hands stopped shaking. Kaidan's arm snaked around his waist, his hand resting against Joshua's chest. Joshua settled his hand over Kaidan's, taking a shaking breath as he threaded their fingers together. Kaidan's breath tickled the back of his neck. Their heads didn't both fit on the pillow very comfortably, but for the moment it didn't matter.

“You're all right Shepard.” Kaidan muttered, and it would have felt condescending or mocking from anyone else at any other time. Now, Joshua just squeezed Kaidan's hand gently and didn't have any more words to say.

Joshua closed his eyes, listening to the sound of Kaidan's breathing. He wasn't going to be able to sleep for a while, but he felt better for having Kaidan near him.

-o-

Joshua's eyes snapped open as he heard the lock on the door click. He sat up, too quickly, his right hip complained, eyes locking on the door, his shoulders and hands tensing defensively. He slipped his leg off the bed, prepared to jump up if he had to. Kaidan groaned beside him, apparently coming awake slower. Kaidan sat up slowly beside him, he squeezed Joshua's shoulder as Miranda entered the room.

She raised her eyebrow at him as she entered, the door shutting quickly behind her. “Good morning.” she said calmly pausing in front of the door and giving them both a once over. Joshua relaxed a fraction, taking in the room quickly, and then looked back at Miranda.

“Morning.” he greeted gruffly, sliding back up the bed as Kaidan slipped off. They were both in dark grey sweatpants, in comparison to Miranda's lab coat and signature jumpsuit. Joshua had stopped wearing hospital clothes as soon as he was able, but all he had to sleep in was Kaidan's borrowed sweatpants. They were a little bit big on him. Kaidan had also brought his N7 hoody, but he didn't sleep in it.

Kaidan grumbled his own greeting, though he seemed preoccupied as he began digging through his dufflebag which was stored under the cot.

“Breakfast should be arriving shortly, for both of you.” Miranda looked between them with an expression of slight interest as she spoke. Joshua nodded, reaching over the side of the bed to angle the head of the bed into a sitting position.

“Is that all for today?” he asked, sitting back against the bed and letting his head fall against the pillow. Sometimes it felt like his head was too heavy for his body these days. Kaidan stood up a moment later, having pulled on his shirt, and set his hand down on Joshua's bed. Joshua glanced at him, his finger twitching with the effort of not grabbing for him.

Miranda chuckled at him, probably because he knew very well that breakfast was not all that was happening, “After breakfast there's a therapy session, lunch, physiotherapy, Admiral Hackett is coming this evening, possibly with Joker and Edi.”

Joshua tensed. The idea of seeing Edi wasn't exactly an unpleasant one, he was just painfully aware that whatever had happened in the final moments on the Citadel with the Crucible, he had made a decision which had disabled her. His gut knotted with guilt. He couldn't even recall what it was he'd done. The memories after he sent Kaidan and Garrus back to the Normandy were fuzzier as they neared the apparent conclusion.

“I just wanted to drop by and check on your progress.” Miranda explained, raising her brows again at Joshua's hands, which were now gripping the blankets tightly between them.

“I'm fine.” he replied, taking a deep shaking breath and then letting it out. He forced his hands to relax, then hid them under the blanket so Miranda would stop looking at them. He hated all of this, the sitting in the hospital, the scrutinising gazes, the shaking and weakness.

Kaidan covered his hands with his own, “Shepard--”

“I'm fine.” Joshua clenched his teeth, pulling his hands out from under the blanket and batting Kaidan's hands away. He made his face as neutral as he could, assuming a soldier's blank look and glancing between Kaidan and Miranda. Kaidan's mouth twisted, his hands at rest at his side. Miranda rolled her eyes, rubbing the spot between her brows as if she was fighting a headache.

The door chimed as someone requested permission to enter, and Miranda turned to open the door for the nurse who had brought up the trolly with their food on it. She smiled kindly as she entered, apparently unaware of the tense atmosphere of the room she'd just entered.

“Breakfast.” she said pleasantly, rolling the trolly in and standing in front of Miranda. Three sets of eyes were on her, Joshua was amazed she didn't notice even as she bent to maneuver the little table which was attached to his bed over his lap.

“Thanks.” Joshua muttered, shuffling up on the bed again and tossing Kaidan an apprehensive look. He didn't feel safe boxed in. If someone came through the door, or broke through the window, his only method of escape would be to shuffle farther up the bed and over the table. Kaidan was blocking his only exit.

Kaidan, apparently interpreting his look correctly, hoisted himself up on to his cot, which creaked noisily, and sat back on the bed with his legs hanging over the edge. The cot had taken the place of the chair a few days before. Now, at least, Joshua could shift off of the bed if need be.

His tray of food was placed on the table, and he was surprised to look up and see that the nurse had already set the table properly and fetched the tray without him noticing. He stiffened, realising he'd missed the nurse's movements completely. Even as she smiled kindly at him, he had to force the returned smile to his face.

He watched as she moved around the bed again, getting Kaidan's tray and offering it to him. He took it with both hands and then balanced it on his lap.

“Enjoy~” the nurse smiled between the two of them, Kaidan offering his own hesitant smile to the mix even as he glanced over at Joshua. Miranda stood with her back to the wall, apparently completely comfortable with being pinned to the wall by the trolly. She didn't even flinch as the nurse waved at them pleasantly and exited the room with the trolly in toe.

Joshua looked down at the tray, a bowl with some healthy cereal, a milk carton to add milk to said cereal, and a cup of orange juice with a lid and straw as if he were some old man who couldn't use cups properly. It was at least reassuring that Kaidan's had the same thing, maybe the hospital assumed everyone couldn't use cups properly.

“Joshua,” Miranda came to the foot of his bed with her arms crossed, “if you want me to regulate visitors I will.” Curse her for her ability to read between the lines in everything he said. It was like the wheels in her head never stopped turning. He'd thought more than once that she was far more suited for commander than he was, not that he'd ever give her the Normandy. Kaidan, who had begun to open his milk to pour on the cereal, paused halfway into pouring and just watched.

Joshua frowned, furrowing his brow and shaking his head. He was not some weak willed child who needed his mother to protect him. He had never been, he wasn't going to start now. “No, it's all right. If they're going to force me to get 'the right amount of sleep' every night, I may as well spend my entire day busy.” Being busy wasn't the problem, he knew it, the look of disapproval on Miranda's face said she knew it, and Kaidan's face had gone unreadable-- he knew it too.

He ignored the phantom of the dream which Kaidan's expression brought up, and focused on putting milk over his cereal. There was a tense moment as Joshua worried Miranda was going to call him on his bullshit. But instead she just sighed at him.

“Whatever you say Joshua.” she shrugged, “I have work to do, I'll be by later.”

As Miranda left the room, with a cursory nod at Kaidan, Joshua dug his spoon into the bowl of cereal. He ate in silence for a bit, listening to the sound of Kaidan eating as well. He looked around the room as he ate, his gaze shifting between the possible entry points in the room. He wasn't going to let anyone sneak up on him again.

“Shepard,” Kaidan's spoon hit the side of his bowl as he set it down, “you know you're safe in this hospital, right?” Joshua's lips closed around his spoon and he held it there for a moment, ignoring the cardboard which was apparently passing for breakfast and just considering the question.

He drew out having to actually answer, chewing slowly and setting his spoon along side his bowl. Once he'd swallowed his mouthful he turned to look at Kaidan, giving him what he hoped was either a neutral or self-assured look. “I've spent the past three years of my life knowing without a doubt that I'm not safe anywhere.” he shrugged, turning back to his tray and pushing it away. It tasted awful, he wasn't going to fool himself into eating any more.

Kaidan sighed beside him and went back to eating his own breakfast, apparently intent on finishing it all, not that Joshua could blame him what with biotics needing more calories.

Breakfast was finished in silence, Joshua really not wanting to elaborate on his statement and Kaidan apparently not bothering to press the matter. It was awkward, but it was familiar. They were back to the moments on the Normandy where Joshua didn't know what to say because he was so worried that Kaidan would just pack all of his things and leave. Better to leave things unsaid and keep Kaidan close, than to make a mistake and lose him forever.

Once they were finished Kaidan, still without a word, cleared away their trays and put them outside the door on the floor to be collected. When Kaidan closed the door again Joshua was leaning over to put the table back down the side of the bed. A hand settled on his shoulder and he jumped to attention, reaching to grab said hand only to find it was Kaidan's. Obviously. He felt stupid, and dropped Kaidan's hand like it was on fire, leaning away from him and staring at the foot of the bed.

“Shepard, can't you talk to me about what's bothering you?” Kaidan asked, his hand going right back to gripping Joshua's shoulder as he leaned in closer. He was trying to catch Joshua's eye, but Joshua couldn't bring himself to look at him. Kaidan's mouth twisted in frustration, “Would it be easier if Garrus was here?”

The sharpness in Kaidan's tone dragged Joshua's gaze back to him. It was clear he was clenching his teeth. Joshua couldn't possibly mistake the jealousy in Kaidan's tone, nor how it was written on his face in his furrowed brows and the way his hand was now clenching Joshua's shoulder instead of holding it. It made his shoulder ache, and he moved to push Kaidan's hand off of him.

“No, it wouldn't. Everything is fine.” he insisted, rubbing his shoulder when Kaidan let go of it. It hurt, stiff and aching. Kaidan looked from the hand which had been gripping his shoulder to Joshua and back again.

“Shit, Shepard I--”

“Ready for your therapy session?”

It was the nurse again. She was pushing a wheelchair through the door, which had been opened without him knowing. For all he wanted to have an escape route and keep an eye on the entrance points, he couldn't actually do anything. He was still unsteady on his feet, he hadn't even managed to walk a few steps to the wheelchair last time he'd tried.

The answer to the nurse's question was, of course, no. He didn't want to spend the next hour and a half spilling his thoughts and feelings out to a stranger, he couldn't even manage it with close friends. All the therapists he'd been sent to after Akuze had never managed to stop the nightmares, the way certain sounds and situations brought him right back to the screaming, the acid on his skin, the broken armour and bones, the silence when it was all over. This was no different.

But Miranda was “concerned about his mental health” and she kept finding the perfect moments to raise her eyebrows at him like it proved it. Kaidan would no doubt agree with her after his display the night before. There was no escaping it, so he'd just take it like he took everything else. Like a soldier.

“Yeah. No time like now.” He muttered, shifting to hang his legs over the side of the bed. Kaidan had turned to dig through his dufflebag again when the nurse had entered, pulling out Joshua's N7 hoodie and passing it to him so that Joshua could put it on. The only thing that fit him, the only thing which wasn't a uniform or armour that he owned which counted as clothing. The zipper was cold against his chest, but he ignored it.

The wheelchair was pushed up closer to where his legs were, despite the close quarters between the bed and the cot. Just like every other time he'd left the bed over the past week, Kaidan was there to wrap an arm up under his arms, and practically lift him into the chair. As he settled, Kaidan's hand was on his shoulder a little longer than usual. More than a brief reassuring touch. Joshua looked up at him and shrugged, lifting the shoulder which Kaidan had hurt up a little more to show him it was okay.

“Don't worry about it.” Joshua said, half smiling up at him.

“Are you going to take him or should I?” the nurse asked, she always did even though it was always the same answer.

“I'll take him, Emily.” Kaidan said, sidling between the chair and the cot so that he could move behind the wheelchair. Joshua looked over his shoulder, up at Kaidan who had taken his place behind the chair and then let his head fall against Kaidan's belly. The nurse left, he listened to her footfalls and the door shutting as she did so.

For a moment they stood in silence, Kaidan's belly rising and falling, Joshua listening to the sound of his breathing as it did so. Joshua was almost falling asleep, reminded of the lack of sleep from the night before.

“I'd really like to get out of this place.” Joshua muttered, feeling Kaidan take a step back so he could take hold of the handles on the wheelchair and start their short walk to the therapist's office. Joshua stretched his neck between his shoulders, then let his arms lie on the armrests of the chair.

“One step at a time Shepard.” Kaidan reminded him softly, “I'll take care of you the whole way.”

Joshua didn't believe it, but it was a nice sentiment. It held weight, Kaidan knowing full well that something wasn't right and that Joshua wasn't admitting it, but Joshua wasn't sure he could handle the weight. He wasn't sure he could trust anyone to take care of him, not even himself.


	10. Trust

The first indication that something was wrong with Shepard had been the nightmares. Almost every night since he'd regained consciousness Shepard had been having nightmares. Shepard had tried to hide it, the first night he'd just woken up gasping for breath and Kaidan had wondered if he was having a heart attack. The next night he had sat up suddenly, pulled his knees up, and sat with his head on his knees for several hours. Kaidan had watched in silence because he wasn't sure whether he should interfere or not.

The second had been the lying. He'd never known Shepard to lie before now, he obviously wasn't in good practise with it was so obvious that it was painful to watch him do it. Hearing him grind out the words 'I'm fine' like they were an automatic response to every question asked. He felt like he was being shut out, and he didn't know whether he was supposed to push for the truth or not.

When Shepard had jumped awake the night before, Kaidan could swear he'd heard his name on his lips. Knowing the dream was about Horizon...the knowledge of that had made him feel frustrated with Shepard's unwillingness to tell him what was happening. It was hard not being able to just coax all the words to come tumbling out of his mouth.

For all that Kaidan had resolved to be with Shepard no matter what, and to make sure that things were never left unsaid again between them, Shepard had woken and been the same secretive, distrusting man he'd been before. Kaidan hadn't factored in the fact that Shepard hadn't spent the past ten months sitting and thinking about himself and them.

Shepard had let Kaidan sit in on his sessions so far, but the doctor had expressed concern that Kaidan's presence was slowing the progress.

It should have given him a sense of relief that even the trained psychologist couldn't get Shepard to talk about anything. Dr. Wakeham had sat for two days for almost two hours in mostly silence as he waited for Shepard to answer his questions, and Shepard only answered with short, professional answers like he was reciting a report.

He'd asked all manner of questions, about the SR1, Shepard's time with Cerberus, and the Reaper War. Shepard had been more willing to answer questions about the SR1, but as soon as the doctor mentioned Virmire he'd gone into short, curt answers. He'd refused to talk about Cerberus at all, casting Kaidan a nervous look and shuffling in his over-stuffed chair.

Today Shepard had asked him to wait outside, or go grab something “real” to eat.

He had not gone to go get something to eat, despite how tempting the offer had been. He had an edge of a headache from the controlled calorie diet of the hospital food. His body always consuming too many calories even when he wasn't using his biotics.

Instead he stood outside Dr. Wakeham's office, his back to the wall, his arms crossed over his chest. He tried not to clench his teeth, tried not to feed the headache with tension. The idea that Shepard couldn't tell him anything, but was now going to tell this doctor everything made him tense all on it's own.

He could have probably made it to his place and back, gone to pick up some clothes. Despite his clothes being too big on Shepard it was sort of nice to see him wearing them. It had become apparent several months ago that Shepard did not own more than one civilian outfit. But, the idea of leaving Shepard alone had dashed that idea, he remembered being begged not to leave the night before and he wasn't yet sure what that pertained to.

So he had just said that he was going to wait outside, and that was what he was doing.

Kaidan wondered about Shepard's reaction to hearing about the possible visitors that evening. He wasn't completely certain who it was he'd reacted to, but he was pretty certain it wasn't Joker so that left Edi or Hackett. As far as he knew, Shepard had left on a good note with both of them, and he'd spoken to Hackett momentarily via omnitool without flinching, he'd even chuckled at one point. That left Edi. But why?

The door to the office suddenly slid open, and Kaidan looked up in surprise as Dr. Wakeham emerged, looking torn between professional neutrality and annoyance. He glanced over at Kaidan with his eyebrows raised, as if he were appraising him. He didn't like psychologists. They always acted like they knew exactly what was going through his head. The people he'd spoken to after the SR1 crash had been the same, assuming they knew things about him that they didn't.

“We're finished for today.” Dr. Wakeham told him in his deep voice. It was the type of voice which made you want to go to sleep after hearing it for too long, there was no edge to it, it was just deep and heavy. He would probably liken it to an elcor's voice, if asked.

“It...” Kaidan looked at the time on his omnitool, “it's only been forty-five minutes.”

The doctor sighed, “Yes.” and that was it, he turned down the hallway and left.

Kaidan frowned at the door for a moment, trying to figure out what exactly Shepard could have done to annoy the psychologist to the point of him walking off. He shrugged, stepping away from the wall and to the door. He half expected to find Shepard looking at him triumphantly, or for him to burst out laughing as he came through the door.

Instead, when he entered the room, he was greeted with the sight of Shepard slumped sideways in the overstuffed green chair. For a moment he worried that something had happened, but a quick glance over him showed his rhythmic breathing and a relaxed expression on his face. He was resting into his face on his hand, his elbow set on the armrest.

Kaidan quickly crossed the room, glancing at the desk and chair, then at the wheelchair beside the chair Shepard was in. He leaned over him his mouth tugging upwards at the side. How long had Shepard spoken to the doctor before he fell asleep? Had he spoken to him at all?

As Kaidan set a hand down on Shepard's shoulder, Shepard jumped awake, gasping. He lashed out, grabbing Kaidan's hand. The grip was hard for a moment, then it relaxed, and Shepard pulled away, his eyes wide, chest heaving and his shoulders tense.

“Kaidan! Sorry I--”

“Hey, it's okay, don't worry about it.” Kaidan smiled in what he hoped was a reassuring way, hoping it would calm the panic and fear in Shepard's eyes, “You just fell asleep in your therapy session. I'm sorry for startling you.” They'd been calling it therapy because Shepard had reacted badly to it being called a psychologist appointment.

Shepard frowned, looking around the room with that look of unfamiliarity he'd had right after the lights had switched on the night before.

“Right... right, therapy session.” the recognition came back and Shepard looked up at Kaidan, his face breaking into a smile, “I've had so much practise falling asleep anywhere that I'm doing it accidentally now.” It would have been a relief if it hadn't been so clear that Shepard was trying to placate him with his apparent good humour.

Kaidan didn't like it, the way Shepard kept trying to evade help by changing the subject or saying 'it's fine' in that tone of finality that he had. The part of him which was a marine made him want to listen, compelled to obey his commanding officer. It wasn't as if Shepard had ever used his higher status against Kaidan, he'd always made sure there was an obvious distinction between relationships and work. It was just something which Kaidan did automatically. He wasn't actually certain that Shepard knew that his tone made him want to obey.

Instead of calling him on it, Kaidan just leaned forward further and pressed a kiss to Shepard's forehead. “You didn't get very much sleep last night.” he said, with his lips still pressed against Shepard's skin, “Let's get back to your room. You can rest and tell _me_ about the dream you had.”

Shepard pulled back, “Kaidan,” he growled slightly, a clear warning that he didn't want to continue the conversation in this direction. Now was not the time to slip in to old habits though, Kaidan didn't want to continue sweeping things under the rug.

“Shepard,” he started, going down on to his knees between Shepard's legs so he could see him properly, “Hiding isn't going to help.” Shepard's gaze went to the open door, and then settled on the other side of the room, looking out the window. Kaidan watched him press his lips together, his fingers drumming on the arm of the chair, the way he leaned away and into the side of the chair instead of sitting straight. Kaidan thought he saw tears gathering, just for a moment, in his purple eyes before Shepard took a deep, stuttering, breath and they were gone.

“No.” the word was quiet, tense, Shepard leaned his chin into the palm of his hand and further over the arm of the chair.

Kaidan hadn't seen this sort of body language in Shepard before, always the self assured commander, always turning out of a conversation before it got too heavy for him. It was like he had physically backed Shepard up into a corner with a loaded pistol. Shepard wouldn't look at him, gaze fixed somewhere on the outside world, his other hand had clenched into a fist on his leg.

The only other time he remembered seeing Shepard forced into a hard conversation was Horizon, and it had been him who did it then as well. For a moment he wondered why Shepard wasn't just rebuffing him, eloquently dancing his way around the point as he had done then and then continuing on his way. Then he remembered that Shepard hadn't been eloquent at all on Horizon. He'd come into the conversation sideways, when he was usually direct. He'd spend most of the conversation pleading his point and repeating things. Kaidan had later found out Shepard had been telling himself those things to keep himself focused, to stop himself from giving up all together. Then, he'd gone silent, that long stretch where Kaidan remembered Garrus looking from Shepard to Kaidan in confusion and Garrus had jumped in to defend him.

Kaidan sighed. Without someone to back him up and a resolve to keep him going, Shepard was just going to shut down. Undoubtedly a similar insistence for answers from the psychologist had been what caused the lull which had put Shepard to sleep.

With the slightest shake of his head Kaidan covered Shepard's fist with his hand, rubbing his thumb up the side, “Why 'no'?” he used as gentle a tone a possible. His headache was getting worse by the minute, but his tone earned him a fleeting glance from Shepard, who took another shaking breath.

“Old news.” Shepard muttered, finally, “You said the only way we could live with it was to move past it.” That statement was probably going to haunt him until the end of his life, made in a moment of avoidance because Shepard had been visiting him every second he got and he had not wanted to hear Shepard say 'I told you so', no matter how unlikely it was that he would. He certainly hadn't thought in that moment that he'd ever be on the Normandy again, at least not with Shepard in the way that he was.

“Shepard, I just spent... a hell of a long time sitting at your bedside, wondering if you'd _ever_ wake up and talk to me again. I don't care if it's old news, the merchanise list from Solaris, or reciting Alliance regs...” the hand under his relaxed, Shepard's head turning a fraction so he could comfortably lay his eyes on Kaidan. There was an apology there, but also a pleading look.

For a long moment they just looked at each other, Kaidan imploringly, Shepard begging with his eyes for Kaidan to change the subject.

“I'm sorry, Kaidan, I am.” Shepard whispered, his voice so low Kaidan had to strain to hear it. Shepard leaned forward, moving his arm so he was leaning into his elbows on his legs, hanging his head, “I never wanted to do that to you once, let alone twice.”

Kaidan felt a swell of pride for Shepard being able to finally say _anything_ about Horizon. At the same time as he felt great guilt because Shepard clearly thought he was still angry about it, angry about losing Shepard on the SR-1, and subsequently the end of the Reaper War.

He rose on his knees, enough that he could wrap his arms around Shepard's neck and head to pull him closer to his chest. He rested his head on Shepard's, kissing his crown briefly before burying his nose in his dark hair.

“Don't worry about that anymore, _I'm_ sorry. I should have believed you, at least known you'd never betray me. I shouldn't have kept bothering you about it on Mars either.” he paused, listening to Shepard's breathing. Shepard wrapped an arm around his waist, tugging at him gently as if he was trying to pull him closer. “I'm not going anywhere. I'm not... waiting for the right moment for you to slip up so I can pack my bag and leave. I _want_ you to talk to me, about Horizon, about Cerberus, Thessia, heck, even the weather if you want.” Kaidan squeezed Shepard slightly, hearing a shaky rush of breath from him as he exhaled. It was probably a good thing he couldn't see his face, Shepard was not good at showing people he was feeling emotions.

“Okay.” Shepard croaked softly, “Okay, but, I'd like to go back to my room first, where the door is closed...'n locked.” Shepard's turned, looking out the open door. There was no one in the hallway, but Shepard was hardly going to start talking somewhere he considered a public place.

Kaidan chuckled softly, groaning as he pulled away from Shepard and stood up, Shepard's arm falling away from his waist without much protest. “Yeah, we can do that.”

-o-

For several minutes after they returned to Shepard's room, Kaidan was certain that Shepard had just asked for the change of scenery on the off chance it might get Kaidan's mind off of the subject. After he'd helped Shepard back into his bed, and taken a painkiller for his headache, he sat on the edge of his cot and waited.

For a while Shepard just sat, staring at his hands which were rested loosely between his legs on the bed. The silence was what told Kaidan he wasn't trying to distract from the subject, otherwise he'd have said something to actively change it. Shepard never did things passively.

“Shepard...” Kaidan muttered finally, furrowing his brow in both concern and frustration. Shepard jumped slightly, like he'd forgotten Kaidan was sitting there, and gripped his hands tightly together.

“Sorry, I, uh...sometimes I think really hard and forget that no one can hear my thoughts.” Shepard shrugged his shoulders. Kaidan found himself laughing in spite of the situation, Shepard's explanation made up for the majority of his crazy schemes which had seemed to come out of no where over the years.

When Kaidan recovered, he was smiling from ear to ear, “God, Shepard, I love you.” He felt like his chest was swelling from the rush of affection he felt. He pushed off of the cot and onto his feet, closing the distance to Shepard's bed and tugging Shepard into a tight embrace. Shepard relaxed into his hold, which was a relief to Kaidan since he had been so tense before.

Shepard touched his arm lightly, running his fingers up and down his forearm absently as he rested his head on Kaidan's shoulder, “I love you too Kaidan...” he sighed, though whether it was in relief or exasperation Kaidan couldn't tell. “I dream of Horizon...sometimes... Usually it's just the same thing. Sometimes there's small differences.”

Kaidan wondered if Shepard would elaborate, when he fell silent, but the absent touches to his arm ceased and he felt him start shaking much like he had the night before. When Shepard pulled away from him and grasped his hands tightly in his lap Kaidan could still see them shaking despite his effort to keep them still.

“Take a deep breath,” he found himself saying, remembering the calming techniques from brain-camp and also from the psychologists he'd seen after the SR-1. Shepard obeyed, of course he did, he was good at nothing if not taking orders. Kaidan rubbed Shepard's back, “and let it out,” When Shepard exhaled it was shaky, but the shaking subsided a bit, “and breathe again...”

It took several repetitions, but Shepard finally calmed down, though he still had his hands clasped tightly in front of him. Kaidan didn't stop rubbing Shepard's back and shoulders, which seemed to help at least a little bit. Kaidan frowned, worried that this had been Shepard's reaction to having similar dreams. Had he dealt with it alone every time?

“Are you all right?” Kaidan asked softly. Shepard nodded immediately, but Kaidan was pretty sure that it was an automatic reaction to being asked that question. He didn't believe it for a second, Shepard's eyes never leaving his tightly clasped hands, his shoulders slumped forward as if he'd been defeated.

The headache medicine wasn't taking, he realised at that moment. The sharp nagging pain at his forehead and temples wasn't subsiding in the least. He ran a hand over his forehead, trying to massage the pain out of it. Shepard looked up, his brows raised in question.

“Headache?” he asked, finally unclasping his hands and reaching out to rub Kaidan's temple gently in a soothing circular motion. Kaidan sighed, he _would_ start looking better once he was worrying about someone else. It wouldn't open any doors to start lying now, even if it was just a small one, so he nodded slowly.

“The hospital food is awful, it's like being back to rations minus the protein bars.” he shrugged one shoulder, taking hold of the hand which was rubbing at his temple and setting it back at Shepard's knee, “Don't worry about me.”

“I'd rather,” Shepard admitted, sighing as well, “it's a lot harder to control your thoughts when you're not taking care of an entire ship of people and trying to save the galaxy.”

“Is this why you stopped sleeping on the Normandy? Because of these dreams?” Kaidan asked, concerned that their inability to discuss anything painful from their past had caused Shepard's insomnia. Instead of confirming his fear though, Shepard fixed him with a look of confusion.

“No? Why would I stop sleeping because of a few bad dreams? You _do_ remember the beacon, don't you?”

Yes of course he remembered the beacon, he also remembered wandering forward in wonder of it and Shepard having to toss him out of the way lest _he_ take the brunt of the beam. But if that wasn't the reason, and neither of them were connected, then why was Shepard having trouble now?

Except the look of confusion turned into a look of realisation and Shepard looked away again. Kaidan frowned at him, watching him look at the blinds of the window as if he could look though them. He'd done that many times since he'd woken up as well, but Kaidan was pretty sure he did it no matter where he was, and that before he'd simply done it with datapads to stare at in his hands.

“The Horizon dream is just an uncomfortable reality. Other than that one time where you killed me, and yeah I know you wouldn't, don't give me that look, it's just been consistently depressing.” Shepard shrugged.

“But... there are other dreams.” Kaidan concluded.

“No.” Shepard clenched his hands into fists, and Kaidan could see him clenching his jaw as well. It was a lie, so blatant that Kaidan didn't know whether he was supposed to demand the truth or leave it be. As much as he wanted to be able to speak to Shepard openly, forcing him to divulge his secrets all at once wasn't going to help. Pushing Shepard hadn't worked well earlier, it only made him say the bare minimum.

He took a deep breath, asking for patience, “Alright then.”

When Shepard turned back to him again his eyes were filled with sadness and pain. Kaidan wondered just what Shepard had been thinking about, whether he wished he could tell Kaidan everything or wanted to keep it all to himself and it was causing him pain to do so. It didn't matter, Kaidan could hardly take the look on his face, let alone the way his hands had started shaking again.

He tugged Shepard back towards him, pulling his head against his chest and holding him tightly. He wished biotics made him a mind reader, not for the first time, it would have made it all so much easier.

“I've killed so many people...” he heard Shepard whisper, his voice breaking. Kaidan sighed softly, running his fingers through Shepard's hair to soothe him when he tried to pull away.

“Not nearly as many as you _saved_ ,” he muttered back, unsure why Shepard's train of thought had gone to where it was, but determined to bring him back from it.

He could only imagine what it would have been like having the entire galaxy on his shoulders. He'd struggled with his students, and they weren't even a blip on the map in comparison to the numbers who had been counting on Shepard. Even being in Shepard's shadow had been stressful. Garrus had mentioned to him more than once that the strain which Shepard went through was more than any living being could take.

He was beginning to recognise the prompts which Garrus had given him to talk to Shepard, help him with things, sometimes just be there, and regret that he'd only taken a handful of them.

Kaidan buried his nose into Shepard's hair, squeezing him gently and listening to his shaking breathing, “Just breathe.” he muttered, and Shepard complied. It was going to be a long and slow process, but Kaidan was going to be patient. He had to be, for Shepard's sake.

-o-

Miranda came in a few hours later, surprising them both with real food. Though the conversation between them hadn't proceeded much farther, Kaidan was more at ease that, perhaps, Shepard would speak to him more easily now.

Miranda had brought sandwiches, vegetables, boiled eggs, and a cookie for each of them. Shepard had taken to eating solid food rather quickly, after all he did was drink smoothies filled with medicine to jump-start his digestive system and fill him with calories the first three days. Even so, he wasn't eating very much. He kept half eating, or not eating, his meals.

She'd brought twice the portions for Kaidan, which he was thankful for because the pain medication hadn't helped calm his headache what-soever. The food, on the other hand, was helping.

Shepard sat with his legs hanging over the edge of his bed opposite from Kaidan who sat on the cot. Miranda was leaning against Shepard's bed, her food containers sitting between her and Shepard.

Kaidan watched as Shepard nibbled at his sandwich and swung his leg, he didn't seem very interested in eating. In comparison Kaidan was completely ravenous, he was already two sandwiches into his meal, “So, after this--”

“Physio.” Shepard sighed, swinging his other leg as well. Miranda nodded, watching Shepard closely. She clearly hadn't forgotten his behaviour that morning.

“Yes. How are your legs doing?” she asked, maintaining a professional distance which he'd seen her use a few times. It was interesting, seeing the difference between a Miranda who was completely devoted to her patient, her friend, and a Miranda who was simply collecting data.

Shepard's lips tugged down at the sides for a moment, before he straightened them out again and kicked both his legs out, watching them swing back. Kaidan could see the frustration in his eyes even though he tried to keep his face neutral.

“Weak and useless. I'm sure I could take a single step, and then fall over magnificently. Mercs would probably pay to see it.”

“Could you provide more detail?” Miranda asked, and Shepard narrowed his eyes down at his knees. Kaidan wondered if he'd answer, or maybe Shepard's 'more detail' quotient had been used up for the day. He wasn't sure if Miranda was asking for information's sake, or asking because she wanted Shepard to trust her with _sharing_ the information.

Completely unsure of how she'd been involved with Shepard's recovery the first time around, beyond what he'd been told, he wasn't sure how likely Shepard would be to provide the information when asked.

“My knees and hips ache.” he replied, after several seconds of silence. He leaned back on his elbows on the bed. His hands hung over the end of the bed, he had apparently forgotten he was holding his sandwich and was now letting it hang as well. It was the admition of weakness which was making Shepard most uncomfortable, Kaidan realised. He was sort of like Garrus in that aspect, always trying to charge ahead through any weakness or suffering so he wouldn't actually have to face it.

Miranda was thinking now though, certainly not judging Shepard for his statement. She pressed a finger to her lips, the tip just touching her nose and tapped it a few times. Her other arm crossed her body and braced her elbow. “Side effects from the shattered knees, fractured right hip and cracked left femur...” she muttered to herself, looking off into space and obviously not asking for any input on her musings.

The beef in Shepard's sandwich was threatening to fall on to the floor. In lieu of providing his opinion on Shepard's legs, Kaidan stood up and took hold of his sandwich. Shepard looked up at him out of confusion for a moment, releasing the sandwich without any actual question and watching as Kaidan rescued the meat from it's fate and rearranged the contents of the sandwich.

Shepard had barely taken a bite of it, but when Kaidan tried to pass it back he held up his hand in refusal and shook his head. Kaidan huffed, “I may need to eat more than you, but you need to eat _something_. If you're wondering why your legs are weak, you should think back to all the meals you've skipped in the past few days.”

Miranda, who was watching them now, fixed Shepard with a unimpressed expression, her eyebrow raised, “That may be a contributing factor. You can't skip meals when you're recovering. For all the work your cybernetics do, you have to do some as well.”

“Tattle-tail.” Shepard grumbled, taking the sandwich from Kaidan's hand and biting in to it stubbornly. Miranda chuckled, reaching in to her container and offering Kaidan a cookie from it. He was pretty sure she meant it as a compliment of some sort, so he took it and nodded his thanks.

He turned and smiled affectionately at Shepard, even as he ate the sandwich with the most sour look on his face.

“I'm not going to let you starve yourself Shepard.” Kaidan said, watching as Shepard glanced up at him darkly and then finished off the sandwich without another word. He wasn't sure if Shepard was protesting to being told what to do, or if this was just one more thing which Shepard was against talking about.

Kaidan took a bite of his cookie, looking between Shepard who was sulking, and Miranda who was looking thoughtful again. Miranda had been good to them by bringing food which actually tasted like food instead of mass produced cardboard. He hadn't actually expected her to come back until after the physiotherapy session.

“The weakness will go quickly, once you're eating properly and the muscles are strengthened. The pain... I may be able to get a pain medication and nerve or muscle repair medication prescribed, but it may also be better to let your body heal on it's own.” Miranda smiled calmly at Shepard, who pouted some more at the eating comment and then looked down at his lap.

“I'll be fine.” he grumbled, and that was the end of that. Miranda could prescribe all she wanted, but if Shepard refused to take it then nothing good would come of it.

Kaidan looked down at the cookie in his hand, “I haven't had one of these in a long time...” Shepard looked up as Kaidan spoke, an eyebrow raised even though he still looked sulky. He offered it to Shepard, who looked at it blankly, looked back at Kaidan uncertainly, and then leaned forward to take a bite right from Kaidan's hand.

When he leaned back again he was grinning, and licking his lips pointlessly. Kaidan raised his brows at him, and Miranda scoffed. “If the only way he'll eat is from your hand, then you may need to stay indefinitely.”

“He's picky.” Kaidan said, and Shepard stuck his lower lip out, rolling his eyes and then shuffling back on the bed.

“How did you ever survive on the Normandy?” Miranda asked, watching Shepard with interest.

“When we were with Cerberus there was a mess cook,” Shepard grumbled, then looked up at Kaidan cautiously. Kaidan smiled, hoping for an elaboration, but Shepard turned to look back at Miranda, “and over the past year...I guess it was a year ago, actually... Garrus and Liara kept feeding me.”

Miranda's lip twitched, her face pulling into a half smile which was accompanied with a snort. Kaidan laughed, his hand covering his face as he did so. He could see Shepard smiling at himself, shrugging his shoulders.

Apparently Commander Shepard was good at surviving bullets and violence, but not real life. The idea was so farfetched that Kaidan started laughing harder, and Shepard frowned at him.

“Okay, that's enough now. It's not that funny.”

“It is,” Miranda put in, even though she wasn't actually laughing, just smiling humorously, “I wonder how you survived this long.”

Shepard shrugged, “I don't know.” And for a moment Kaidan was worried that Shepard was going to start getting upset again, but there was a smile tugging at his lips which he was purposefully keeping at bay.

At least for now things seemed to be going well.

 


	11. Pain

The physio therapy session had been an absolute disaster. Kaidan's odd new devotion to him or them or whatever was confusing, it was also terrifying. He couldn't help but wonder if Kaidan was just trying to get all the information out of him, maybe ammunition, for when he'd inevitably leave in the same whirl and flurry as he'd come. Joshua though, couldn't bring himself to reject or disobey Kaidan. As much as he wanted to put an end to all of the probing questions, Kaidan was apparently past accepting his drawn out silences and pleading glances.

No matter how hard he tried to prompt Kaidan to change the subject and just _let it go_ , Kaidan wouldn't relent. Asking the 'tough questions', the questions which Joshua had snapped at Allers to drop, questions which he'd snapped out the answers to, at al-Jilani years prior and gotten in shit for his trouble.

The preoccupation he'd had with the events of the entire morning had made focusing on just making his legs work like trying to fill a sieve with water.

Standing was...okay. He couldn't do it for very long, and his right hip ached for several minutes after every time, but it was something he could do. He needed things he _could_ do to keep his morale up. The list of things he couldn't do was too long. He could practically feel what once was muscle turning into soup under his skin, no matter how much medicine Miranda gave him to prevent muscle decay.

He had demanded a shower upon his return to his hospital room. Kaidan had obliged, letting him go as far as also demanding that Kaidan leave the room as he washed. Now, instead of washing, he was leaning over the sink, his knees shaking even though all of his weight was pressed on his hands into the counter. His sweater and pants were sitting on the seat of the wheelchair behind him.

Most of the scars he'd got from the past two years had healed and faded, except the ones from the beam run. Medicine was great. Two hundred years ago he would have been covered in the burn scars, bullet scars, and slash marks from all of the adversaries he'd met on and off of the battle field. Now, he just had a few here and there. The worst was the slash mark across his stomach, the thick line was still red and puckered as if it was new. It was still tender.

His legs ached and shook slightly with the effort of standing, and the remnants of his physical therapy. Being moved around from scheduled activity to scheduled activity was frustrating enough without the physical and emotional pain he was being put though. He wasn't sure why they couldn't leave him, crippled, to live alone in some run down apartment for the rest of his years.

More than anything he wanted to be independent again. Depending on anyone other than oneself ended up with one being dead. He didn't have a home, maybe, and Hackett had already told him he was being forced into early retirement from the Alliance because Miranda's examinations over the past ten months had showed that even with improvement he was never going to be in the shape to be a soldier again, but that wasn't going to stop him from going to the council ASAP and requesting to return to Spectre work. He didn't need a home, not really.

God knows his apartment on the Citadel was definitely not a viable option, probably would never be again.

There was a knock on the door, “Shepard?” it was Kaidan. He was concerned, of course he was.

“What?” Joshua asked, looking up from the sink but not daring to let go of the counter lest he end up in a undignified pile on the floor. The wheelchair was behind him, sure, but the less time he spent in it the better. Even if he had to do a military crawl from the sink to the shower.

Kaidan sighed, “I'm coming in.” he'd apparently heard the edge in Joshua's voice because there was no hint of an option in his tone.

The door opened and Kaidan entered, he closed and locked it again with the push of a button. Joshua stared intently at the sink. Determined not let on that he'd been looking at his own appearance or that he was having trouble standing, he tried not to show how tightly his hands were gripping the counter or how his knees were shaking.

Kaidan sidled up to him, an arm going around his waist and supporting him in a way he didn't want because he didn't want to need it.

“You've been standing here for ten minutes.” Kaidan told him, smiling at him over his shoulder. Joshua's lips quirked in a responding half smile which quickly melted away and was replaced with frustration.

“I've only been standing for a few minutes...before that I was just sitting.” he glared back at the wheelchair. If there was anything he wanted right now it was to kick the thing, but he had a feeling that would unbalance him and he'd end up falling onto the counter. Kaidan began trying to ease him back into the chair, but Joshua just gripped the counter harder and clenched his teeth, “I don't _want_ to sit.” he growled through his gritted teeth. Kaidan sighed again.

“If you exhaust your muscles too much you won't be able to heal as fast.” he chided, “There's a reason that there's a seat in the shower.” Joshua looked up to see Kaidan's face in the mirror, his own brows knitted and lips pursed at Kaidan's reassuring face. He hated it, it made him nervous. Kaidan wasn't supposed to be reassuring him, Kaidan was supposed to be reassured _by_ him.

“No.” he protested. It was there for old people who couldn't stand anymore and whose knobby knees needed to be given rest. He didn't need rest he needed to keep trying, to keep standing because as soon as he sat down and accepted that, yeah this hurt and yeah his knees were shaking, he was going to give up.

Kaidan's hand left his waist, travelling up his back and causing him to shiver before it stopped at the back of his head. He could feel fingers threading through his hair, and Kaidan's other hand wrapping around his front and gripping his stomach. Kaidan's chin rested on his shoulder without actually putting weight on him, like he was worried the weight would cause him to fall.

Joshua let his head slump forwards, Kaidan's fingers massaging the scalp at the nape of his neck in circular motions. They stood there for a while in silence, before Joshua realised Kaidan wasn't going to just give up and leave, yet. He sighed.

“Can you help me to the shower?” he mumbled, looking up through his bangs at Kaidan in the mirror, who smiled lazily at him in return.

“Yeah, of course.” Kaidan said, and Joshua's stomach clenched nervously. How long would that be his reply? How long would Kaidan smile so easily at him and still want to know the answers to the hard questions?

Kaidan's hand in his hair switched back to his waist, the other hand reaching out in wait for Joshua to make the next move. As he did, letting go of the sink and leaning heavily into Kaidan as he wound an arm over Kaidan's shoulders, Kaidan grabbed his hand to steady him and kicked the wheelchair back from the sink so they'd have more range of movement.

Joshua stepped back, limping heavily on his right leg as he did so. He was glad to have Kaidan holding on to him or he would have overbalanced easily. Kaidan gently guided him over to the shower, which was frankly grossly over sized. It was walk in, with a glass door which actually slid shut and even then it was still big enough to be a small room.

When they stopped in front of the little white bench which was attached to the wall Kaidan tried to let him down. Joshua's hands tightened around the hand on his waist and Kaidan's shoulder.

“Shepard.” Kaidan warned, clearly expecting that Joshua was actually going to sit on the little white bench.

“No.” he said again.

“Do you remember what the doctor said?” Kaidan asked, looking at him out of the corner of his eye with something that looked like amusement with a bit of concern, his brows high on his forehead.

“Yes,” Joshua said, returning the look with a frown, “but I outrank the doctor so I'm belaying that order.”

That, at least, made Kaidan snort, and then start shaking with badly contained laughter. Joshua's grip tightened, worried that Kaidan's grip on him would slip.

“I won't drop you,” Kaidan assured, “You realise that you'll _always_ outrank doctors right?” he bumped his head affectionately against Joshua's shoulder, and squeezed his waist. It made Joshua's heart twist, he wanted the affection so badly, but it scared him. The little voice in his head which insisted that Kaidan would run eventually, that he'd get bored or realise he was wasting his time on a lost cause, had been loudest since he'd woken up. He had always had the doubt, since their meeting at Apollo's on the Citadel when Kaidan had announced he wanted to try 'them'.

He hadn't told anyone, but he really hadn't planned on returning from the crucible. He hadn't believed that Kaidan wanted anything more than stability at the end of the world, a little taste of the love which desperation caused. Their relationship had been hot and cold and he hadn't expected Kaidan to still want him a week after the Reaper War was over let alone ten months. No matter how much he had wanted Kaidan, more than anything, he hadn't thought Kaidan really wanted him. He still didn't.

Rather than replying, Joshua just stuck his chin out stubbornly and pursed his lips at Kaidan. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Kaidan rolled his eyes at him, “Just sit for a moment, we can't take a shower with me dressed, can we?”

As Kaidan deposited him on the bench Joshua protested, his legs out straight in front of him rather than bending them because they _hurt_ like fire and knives and aching muscles which screamed at him.

“You don't have to...” Joshua replied, with a groan, watching as Kaidan stepped out of the stall and began to strip anyways.

“Are you going to spend the whole time leaning against the wall, Shepard?” Kaidan asked him, giving him a frank look as he pulled his t-shirt over his head and dropped it unceremoniously on the floor beside him. Joshua sucked on his lips, Kaidan had a point, even if he didn't like it and it stuck in his side like a barb.

“No.” he sighed, resting his head back against the wall, and closing his eyes. He sat in the silence, listening to Kaidan's clothing rustle and the sound of his shoes being removed. For a moment he thought he may fall asleep there, but then he heard Kaidan's bare feet padding against the floor, felt the hand on his face, thumb tugging at his lips, then the gentle kiss. He opened his eyes as Kaidan pulled away, “I'm exhausted.” he admitted softly, then felt momentary panic when he realised he'd said it.

But Kaidan just smiled at him, leaning down over him and thumbing at his cheek, “I know, that's what I'm here for. I wish you'd lean on me, for once.”

Joshua sucked in a breath involuntarily, taking hold of Kaidan's hand and holding it against his cheek. “I'll lean on you long enough to take a shower.” he said, and Kaidan snorted at him. Kaidan tugged his hand free gently, wandering over to the shower settings and setting the temperature. Joshua watched him, resting his head against the wall and his shoulder, his eyes felt heavy. Maybe whatever Kaidan had been saying about rest had been a good idea after all.

His eyes were closed again when he felt the water start to fall from the various taps on the wall. The shower stall was as large as his bathroom on the Normandy had been, and it was definitely more fancy. He felt like they were in some high end hotel suite rather than a hospital. The only reminder that they were in fact in the hospital was the aching in his legs, and the pins and needles in his right foot. He flexed his foot lightly, sitting up and looking up at Kaidan who was leaning over him again.

“Are you going to fall asleep?” Kaidan asked, affection creeping into his voice. Joshua shrugged, bending his knees to bring his feet under the bench properly and digging his hands into the edge of the bench so he could force himself to his feet again.

Pain shot up his leg and he whimpered, said whimper was covered with a cough because Commander Shepard did _not_ whimper, before slumping heavily against Kaidan who wrapped his arms around him tightly.

“Easy,” Kaidan cooed as Joshua wrapped his arms around Kaidan's shoulders and rested his chin on the crook of his neck. It was a strange feeling, standing in the shower with the water cascading over him, his arms around Kaidan's neck, Kaidan's arms around his waist. Kaidan was holding him up, he knew that, but didn't want to admit it. He felt...safe. “If you need to sleep after this, I can always call Miranda and have her cancel Hackett and the others later.”

Joshua tensed, the hands which had been hanging open clenched into fists. It would have been nice to just cancel, but the real world was rushing forward as he sat in the hospital on his ass doing nothing. He had never sat anywhere doing nothing his entire life, he wasn't going to start now. Even if seeing Edi was... His hold on Kaidan tightened slightly as he took a shaking breath and tried to stop the shaking which had kicked up in his hands. His foot slipped slightly on the now wet tile, Kaidan's hold increased.

“No. No it's fine. I don't know what Hackett wants, but I've never cancelled with him before, probably shouldn't start now.” Joshua pulled back slightly, feeling the muscles in his legs protest, but they held. He looked at Kaidan for a long moment, just looked at him. Kaidan was frustrated, he could tell, but he wasn't saying anything about it. He just sighed and stared right back at him.

It was usually impossible to tell, but Kaidan was about six centimetres taller than he was. It was more obvious now, Joshua having to look up at him slightly. Kaidan's mouth twisted into a small smile, Joshua _loved_ that smile. It was the smile he'd always tried to win out of him when they'd first met, sometimes it unnerved him how easily it came now, but this time it comforted him a bit.

“Shepard, I'll be here tonight when they come, whatever it is you think you'll have to face you won't have to face it alone.” Kaidan assured, holding him up with one hand and brushing his bangs off his forehead with the other.

Joshua was pretty sure his heart skipped a beat, but apparently Kaidan didn't hear or feel it because he was pretty sure any sign of something medically wrong would have sent him into a panic. He'd been resigned to the thought that the hopeless romantic side of Kaidan would end up being used on some pretty little girl who he'd marry some day.

“I love you.” he whispered, and he was pretty sure it sounded as desperate as he felt. Kaidan pulled him tight, squeezing him and resting his head against him.

“I love you too, Shepard. Now, let me wash your hair. Can you stand on your own?” Kaidan asked as he pulled back to look at him again. Joshua sighed, looking down at himself helplessly for a moment before he shook his head.

“No... I don't think so.” he admitted, feeling stupid for it, even as he pursed his lips and averted his gaze to the floor, “Sorry.”

“Don't,” Kaidan said, helping guide him back to the bench so he could sit. His legs went straight again, his knees protesting painfully when he bent them so he could sit properly. They pretty much hurt no matter what he did. For a moment they stayed in the spray in silence, Kaidan's thumb rubbing up and down his cheek. Finally he chuckled, “Sometimes I wonder if you realise you _deserve_ a break sometimes.” He shook his head before wandering over to the shampoo dispenser.

“There are a lot of people who deserve breaks and never get them.” Joshua said, trying to make light conversation and then feeling his throat close as he came to the end of the statement. Anderson popped into his head. He grit his teeth, leaning forward on the bench and clenching his hands so tightly he could feel his nails biting into his palms. His hands shook, his pulse elevated, his breath coming in tight, short gasps.

“Yeah well you--” Kaidan turned back to him, “Shepard, what's wrong?” he saw Kaidan rinse the soap he'd just lathered in his hands off and came back to kneel between his knees, looking up at him with concern as he grasped Joshua's hands gently.

“Nothing.” his voice cracked. He didn't know _what_ was wrong. Every time he thought of Anderson...

_He was crouched behind a crate which was going to give at any second, his last clip loaded into his gun, with a heavy-mech barrelling down on the other side, his other squad mates begging for orders in his headset._

_He could hear marines dying, and the thresher-maws roaring all around him. The camp was on fire, people were screaming. He turned to the landing zone, fighting the urge to stay even though he was being ordered to go. There was acid. There was burning. God the smell._

_He could see bodies all around him, a long hallway. Everything hurt, but he had to keep going, everyone was counting on him. His armour was burnt into his skin, his head throbbed. The edges of his consciousness eating at him with every step._

“ _You did good, son.” No, no he hadn't done good. He'd done something terrible. He'd tried so hard not to, but it'd been out of his control. Anderson was gone, he was gone because... Because..._

His eyes focused, Kaidan was still kneeling between his legs. He could feel the prickle of biotics over his skin, and saw the blue of Kaidan's corona fading away. The shower was off, and there was a towel around his shoulders. He was holding Kaidan's hand _tightly_ , whenever that had happened. He frowned, and Kaidan looked slightly panicked.

“Sorry, I couldn't think of anything else I just...”

“Kaidan,” his voice cracked, “I think I...” His stomach heaved and he clamped a hang over his mouth, managing to fight his gag reflex only just.

Kaidan's panic turned back to concern like a switch had gone off and he wrapped his arms tightly around Joshua's shoulders. Joshua shifted, slipping on to the floor so that he was between Kaidan's legs instead, his legs resting over one of Kaidan's. Kaidan squeezed him and hushed him softly.

“I'm sorry.” Joshua croaked, covering his face with his hand and sighing harshly. He'd been crying apparently, he could taste it when he licked his lips. He had no idea what on earth Kaidan was still doing there, why he hadn't already gone and left Joshua to whatever the hell had just happened.

“You're alright, Shepard.”

“Joshua.” he swallowed thickly, leaning against Kaidan's chest and looking at him intently. Normalcy. Where he wasn't a commander, and he wasn't in charge of anyone. Where there was no “Shepard”. He wanted to pretend like this was just another conversation, if he startled Kaidan out of the subject matter then maybe everything would calm down. Kaidan pet his drying hair, how long had he been sitting there?

“Joshua,” Kaidan corrected, smiling weakly, “I'm here.”

Joshua sighed, snuggling into Kaidan's chest and ignoring the chill which was spreading over his body from the wet. He concentrated on regulating his breathing, listed regulations in his head, counted the amount of tiles on the floor between them and the wall. He listened to Kaidan's heartbeat, firm and regular in his chest now that he wasn't panicking over him panicking anymore.

After a few minutes they started shivering. Kaidan helped him back up again, into the wheelchair this time, and helped him dry off before they both got dressed into fresh clothing. Once they were back into the main room, and Joshua back in his bed, Kaidan set about letting Miranda know that Joshua wasn't going to have any visitors that evening. He didn't listen to any protests which Joshua made, simply fixing him with a look which said 'try me' as he dialled in Miranda's contact number on his omnitool.

Finally they were just quiet, Joshua on the bed and Kaidan standing at the end of it massaging his legs gently to try and work the muscle cramps out of them. Joshua sighed. Every time he tried to apologise Kaidan shut him down. He didn't know what to say or do, so he just sat silently as Kaidan worked the pain from his left calf.

“You need to start talking to the psych—therapist.” Kaidan said sternly, as he ran his thumbs up into the crooks of Joshua's kneecap.

“Why?” Joshua groaned through a tight knot, “All he does is ask repetitive questions about classified missions and judge me for my answers.” he looked up into Kaidan's determined brown gaze.

“Because...something is wrong and you need to talk to someone about it.” Kaidan's eyes begged him, he looked away, unable to handle it. He'd give Kaidan anything he wanted if he asked, it was harder to deny it when Kaidan looked at him like that.

He clenched his teeth, determined to try and out wait the topic. Kaidan rubbed at a particularly stiff knot in his leg, he let his head fall back against the pillows and groaned softly. When Kaidan looked up at him to make sure he was all right he nodded slowly, and Kaidan continued.

They fell into silence, except for Joshua grumbling at certain knots and presses of Kaidan's fingers and thumbs. It was odd how Kaidan could press him for information one second and then let him avoid a subject entirely another. He felt like he was on a roller coaster. Kaidan kept pushing him so far he thought he would break and then reeling back in just in time to let him breathe.

It certainly wasn't the best way to get information, Joshua thought. It would take a very long time to get all of the facts that way, he knew better than anyone else how stubborn he could be when it came to 'talking about his feelings'. Yet Kaidan seemed to want the information anyways, and seemed intent on getting it. Joshua wasn't even sure what that the information was, what exactly was 'wrong' or even how to talk about it.

Joshua watched Kaidan closely as he worked on his leg, trying to figure it all out. Surely Kaidan's hands were hurting by now, his calf had been hard as rock when he started, yet he kept working. Surely he was tired of Joshua panicking for no perceivable reason, yet he stayed with him. Definitely he was tired of Joshua refusing to tell him things he asked about.

“You're...you're really not going anywhere are you?” he asked, watching as Kaidan fixed him with a look of complete confusion as he switched to his right leg.

“Why would I go anywhere Shep—Joshua?” he asked kindly, not betraying any emotion and continuing to focus on Joshua's leg.

“I--”

“You told me that you would love me always.” Kaidan continued, bringing Joshua vividly back to that conversation.

“I will, I do I--”

“I know. I will also love you, for as long as you need me and want me, I'll stay here. I'm not going to go anywhere.”

Joshua's breath hitched, he swallowed around a lump he didn't realise had formed in his throat. “But, Kaidan, something's wrong with me,” he insisted. Kaidan sighed now, releasing his leg and stepping around the foot of the bed and up beside Joshua. He grasped his chin gently, urging him to look up and into his eyes.

“You worked your ass off to fix the galaxy, the whole damn galaxy. If there is something wrong with you, I'll work my ass off to fix it for you. I left you once and it was the worst mistake of my life. I'm never going to leave you alone again.” Kaidan's lips quirked into a smile, “You're going to be begging me to leave.”

Joshua shook his head, “You're crazy Alenko.” Kaidan kissed him, rougher than he had since that day so long ago standing in London. Joshua felt the breath go out of him, his eyes sliding shut as he accepted the kiss readily.

“Yeah,” he admitted huskily when he pulled away, “but it's okay.”

Joshua didn't really believe it, but the conviction in Kaidan's tone made him feel just the slightest bit better. Maybe if Kaidan believed it everything _would_ be okay, eventually.


	12. Growing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry for the title change. I'm sure that's pretty confusing. I just like this one better...I guess that's why they call them 'working titles'.

Kaidan hadn't given Joshua a choice that evening as to whether or not he was going to sleep in his bed. The bed was small, and it was awkward, but when Joshua had gotten off of the vid-call with Hackett he had been tense and trembling again. It was hardly past 9pm, but Joshua had started looking rundown and exhausted after their failed shower at 5.

Surprisingly enough Joshua hadn't complained when Kaidan had climbed into his bed and had just shifted over slightly to make more room.

“Maybe Miranda will let me bring you home with me in a week or so.” Kaidan said thoughtfully into Joshua's ear, his chin tucked over his shoulder as he held him from behind. Joshua shivered slightly, and Kaidan squeezed his waist gently.

“Did she tell you that?” he asked, sounding disbelieving as he turned to face Kaidan without tugging out of his hold.

“If you can eat, and I can help you get around, and you continue to show up for your therapy and physio appointments I can't see why she'd say no.” he said, but as he spoke he wondered himself. Miranda was protective of Joshua as a patient. He hadn't even thought to bring it up to her before, but the idea of having to sleep another night in the squeaky cot or squished on Joshua's tiny bed was not welcoming.

He also didn't want to leave Joshua alone. He couldn't leave him, what would happen if he managed to get into the same state as earlier with no one around? He wasn't even sure if anyone else could pull him from that state.

It had been one of the most terrible things he'd seen in his life. When he'd turned to see Joshua hunched over on the bench, breathing heavily and shaking as if he'd run several kilometres, he'd thought that was the worst of it. He hadn't expected him to start sobbing, or to start digging his fingernails into his palms so hard they started drawing blood. He certainly hadn't expected him to start muttering things hysterically between his gasping breaths and sobs.

It was like watching him having a nightmare during the day. The worst part had been his inability to snap Joshua out of it. Every time he'd tried to shake him or touch him in any way, he'd thrashed out of it or acted like he was scared of him _._

While he desperately wanted to know where Joshua had gone in his mind that had been so terrifying for him, he was certain that probing the subject would send him into another panic.

“I don't want to...” Joshua replied finally, his voice quiet as if he didn't want Kaidan to hear it. That was impossible with their close quarters, however, and Kaidan felt his heart sink. He hadn't thought of that, that Joshua may not want to stay with him. He didn't know where Joshua thought he was going to, but it had always been a possibility that Joshua wouldn't want to go with him.

“Any...particular reason why?” Kaidan asked, hoping he wasn't pushing his luck. Joshua had spoken to him, at least briefly, a few more times that evening since the incident in the shower. Joshua had mentioned not feeling safe telling the psychologist about things, despite him being certified by the Alliance, and he'd said that he didn't have any issue talking with Hackett (even though the conversation had left him drained and uncomfortable).

He hadn't been surprised when Joshua had expressed disbelief that he was going to stick around, he seemed to be having some serious trouble trusting people. It was a stark change from when they'd first met, Kaidan wondered when things had gotten so bad.

Joshua shook his head slightly, and despite his words snuggled back against him, “I don't want to be a burden.” And of course they were right back to the showing weakness thing again. Kaidan didn't really understand it, he was pretty sure it came from almost three years straight of needing to be the backbone of the galaxy. Showing weakness hadn't been an option. Though part of him did wonder if it was a 'showing Kaidan weakness' thing.

“What if I told you I _want_ you to be a burden?” Kaidan squeezed Joshua's waist, and in reply he got the slightest of chuckles and felt very rewarded. Joshua laughing was wonderful, he'd never realised how much he should have pushed for it when they were on the Normandy together, or how Joshua had stopped laughing so much over the years.

Joshua shifted, his fingers threading through Kaidan's with one hand, the other tugging lightly at the back of Kaidan's neck as he turned to kiss him gently on the forehead.

Okay, so it was definitely _not_ a 'showing Kaidan weakness' thing. He wouldn't have shown this side of himself to Garrus, for example. The side which was somehow so gentle, when he could easily snap someone's neck in two. The side which could touch his hand and his cheek so gently he could hardly feel it, when he could thunder so hard down a hallway that it shook as he went.

Joshua fell silent, turning back to rest his head on the pillow while still holding Kaidan's hand. Kaidan listened to his breathing evening out, and wondered whether he was even going to reply to his question. Finally, when Kaidan himself was starting to doze off, he heard it in the tiniest of voices, “I don't know how.”

Kaidan wondered as sleep gripped him whether Joshua meant he didn't know how to be a burden, or something else, but he was too far gone to think for long. He wasn't even sure if he ended up saying anything. Instead he snuggled against Joshua's back, closed his eyes, and promptly fell to sleep.

-o-

Kaidan awoke what he assumed was several hours later to Joshua tensing like a rock and gasping for breath. He withdrew just in time to evade Joshua's hand going to the back of his neck to try to grab for something which wasn't there. He'd have probably taken a finger in the eye if he hadn't moved.

Kaidan grabbed Joshua's shoulder, shaking him slightly, but not getting anywhere because Joshua was thrashing now. His gentle shaking was nothing compared to how Joshua was arching, bucking, and kicking. He had rolled onto his back, his legs tangled in the blankets.

“Shepard.” Kaidan muttered harshly, trying to draw him out of what he assumed was a dream without making too much noise. He still seemed like he was having trouble getting air. Kaidan felt panic rise in his gut, was Joshua unable to breathe? ...But it still looked like he was sleeping. Thrashing about as he was, Joshua's eyes were still closed.

He grabbed Joshua's hands, which were clawing at the back of his neck, and pulled them away. Just like that his eyes snapped open. Joshua gasped.

“I can't breathe!” he cried, chest heaving, and Kaidan was dismayed to see tears rolling from the corner of his eyes down into the hair at his temples.

“Should I call the nurse?” Kaidan asked, bewildered, already locating the button on the wall. Now that he was awake though, Kaidan could see Joshua's chest rising and falling as his lungs worked. Even though Joshua was still gasping for air, he wasn't thrashing anymore.

As Kaidan's grip on Joshua's wrists released, so that he could push the button, Joshua seized his hand and squeezed to the point it was almost painful.

“Kaidan!” he pulled him closer, sounding like he'd only just realised Kaidan was there, and pressed his hand to his cheek. He was still breathing heavily, but as Kaidan's palm came into contact with his cheek his seemed to calm. Still closely monitoring the situation, Kaidan ran his thumb along the edge of Joshua's lips.

“What do you need? Should I call the nurse?” Kaidan asked again, not sure if he'd actually been heard the first time.

Joshua shook his head, panting and turning to brush his lips against Kaidan's palm, “No...no I...I'm okay. If you're here...I'm okay.” Joshua muttered as Kaidan brought a knee up to kneel on the bed, one leg dangling over the edge as he shifted so that he was sitting without disrupting Joshua's hold.

“You're sure?” he asked. He felt a tear brush past his fingers, but Joshua remained silent except for his breathing, eyes focused on the ceiling. He had no idea what was going on here, “Shepar--”

“Joshua.” he interrupted, tone pleading, as he turned to look at Kaidan with bright eyes, “Please, I don't want to be...not right now.” Even in the dim light barely coming through the window from the city's lights Kaidan could see that Joshua still looked terrified. Most other dreams had melted off of him, he'd wake up, come to himself, and then besides some lingering emotions he would recover rather quickly.

Even the Horizon dream from the night before had only resulted in a few minutes of upset. Joshua had recovered quickly once the lights had been turned on and Kaidan asked what was wrong.

For several minutes they watched each other. Kaidan concerned, as Joshua's gaze seemingly wandered all over his face as if he was trying to map it. Or maybe he was trying to convince himself that Kaidan was real. His hand never let go of Kaidan's, his hold increasing and decreasing as his breathing slowed, and then picked up again like he was riding waves of panic.

“Joshua,” he muttered soothingly, pressing the pads of his fingers into Joshua's cheekbone, “was it a dream?” Joshua looked back at the ceiling, his eyes squeezing shut, and he shook his head as he took a sharp breath. The hand which had been holding his so tightly let go, both of Joshua's hands falling his sides.

“Nope.” he opened his eyes and looked at Kaidan again, his expression was miserable, Kaidan felt like he was looking through him.

That didn't help Kaidan feel better at all, “If you're having trouble breathing I'll call the--”

“No. It's fine, I don't need...it was...” he took a deep, stuttering, breath, “I think...I just remembered something...is all.”

Kaidan frowned, wondering what on earth Joshua could have been remembering where he couldn't breathe. Why would he have been thrashing the way he had been? Why did he seem so terrified by it? It obviously wasn't some minor event.

When the answer came to him it came like a ton of bricks and he felt the air rush out of him at just the thought. He'd never heard the specifics of Joshua's 'death'. All he'd known was that he had been spaced, and that he had been declared MIA due to being unrecoverable.

Kaidan leaned over Joshua, his free hand moved to grip Joshua's shoulder tightly, the thumb on Joshua's face rubbing circles. Joshua looked up at him, his gaze settling on Kaidan's face. There was a question in his eyes, pleading for _something_.

“I'm right here.” he said, not knowing what else to say, “You're safe.” And apparently it was the wrong thing to say, because Joshua's already glistening eyes filled with tears and his breath hitched sharply in his chest. Kaidan gripped Joshua's other shoulder as Joshua covered his face. He could feel him shaking under his hands.

“That was,” Joshua gasped waterily, “really scary.”

Kaidan pulled Joshua up by his shoulders so that he was sitting, and then promptly wrapped his arms around him. Joshua shifted, slipping his arms around Kaidan and pulling him against him tightly, pressing his forehead into Kaidan's shoulder. Kaidan's fingers threaded through the back of Joshua's hair.

“You're okay.” he muttered, as Joshua shook in his arms. He could feel the sobs raking through him, the tears smearing into his shoulder. He'd never seen Joshua cry before today, hadn't ever considered him capable of it. Though, he supposed if anything _this_ was a good reason for it. He didn't know where Joshua had gone to in his head earlier, but if it was any place like the one where he'd just been, he wasn't surprised at his reaction.

 _He'd_ certainly never had to experience his own death before. He'd come close to it, sure, on Mars and the thought wasn't a pleasant one. But he at least could also remember strong arms picking him up as gently as possible, at least in short snippets, and carrying him back to the Normandy. He couldn't imagine being alone and having the breath literally sucked out of him in the vacuum of space.

More than once Kaidan had wondered if Joshua remembered very much of what had happened when the SR-1 had gone down. If his current reaction was any hint, he would have to go with no. It was, of course, just one more thing they'd never spoken about. One more wall between them.

“This is stupid.” Joshua groaned, though he didn't attempt to pull away. Kaidan shook his head, then rested his head against Joshua's, closing his eyes as he started running his fingers through the hair at the back of Joshua's neck.

“It's not.” he replied. Joshua sniffed.

They sat in silence, Kaidan finally settling with rubbing his knuckles up and down Joshua's back with one hand and rolling the tensity out of his shoulder with the other. Joshua calmed quickly, which didn't surprise Kaidan in the slightest, but didn't let go, instead cuddling closer to him. It was a relief that he didn't run away as soon as he'd calmed down. Maybe, just maybe, Kaidan hoped Joshua trusted him a little bit more than he had before.

After a while, once Kaidan had closed his eyes and was pretty sure he was going to fall asleep sitting there, Joshua pulled away, brushing the hair at Kaidan's temple as he smiled at him affectionately. His violet eyes heavy, lips quirked at one side. Kaidan's stomach flipped at the expression, he'd seen it so many times, but it had taken him a long time to realise it was only for him.

He hadn't seen it in a while.

Joshua leaned back in and kissed him gently, lips meeting in an affectionate almost innocent way. Kaidan kissed him back, his hands settling on Joshua's shoulders and Joshua's settled on either side of his face. When they pulled away Joshua was still looking at him like he was the only person who mattered in the world.

“Sorry for waking you up.” Joshua said, shrugging like he'd kicked Kaidan out of bed or stolen all of the blankets. Kaidan shook his head.

“If I ever sleep through something like that, you'd better wake me up.” he replied, shifting around so that he was sitting the right way on the bed, and slipping his feet under the blankets again.

They lay down again, arms and legs tangled in each other. Joshua sighed.

“I mean it,” Kaidan insisted, “If I _ever_ manage to sleep through anything like what just happened, I want you to wake me up. I'm not going to leave you to handle it alone.”

Joshua shrugged again, though the movement was stiff since Kaidan's arm was over one of his arms and his other was tucked between Joshua's shoulder and his head. Kaidan opened his mouth to object to Joshua's dismissal, but Joshua interrupted, “Thank you.”

Kaidan's mouth snapped shut again. He poked the tip of Joshua's nose with his own, “I'll do anything to help you get through this Joshua.”

A small smile grew on Joshua's face, “If you keep saying my name, I may get through it faster.” he said cheekily, pressing his forehead against Kaidan's. Kaidan chuckled, the corner of his lip tugging up in a half smile.

“I'll work on it.” he replied. Joshua's smile grew just a smidge bigger, which was totally worth it.

He was beginning to see pieces of the Joshua he'd known on the SR-1, a far more playful and friendly man than the hard, distrusting, calculating person he had become over the past few years. Whether from necessity or from the countless betrayals and disappointments he'd faced, Kaidan hadn't recognised the Joshua who he had fought with when they'd fought on Mars.

Despite the nightmares and the pain, Joshua was starting to relax again and bits and pieces of his personality were returning.

Despite the ferocity of the nightmare he'd just experienced, Joshua's eyes began to droop shut. As Kaidan watched him, Joshua began to fall asleep. It was something he hadn't even been able to see on the SR-2, when Joshua had supposedly fallen asleep after him on their few short forays into his cabin and then apparently been awake before him the next day or several hours later.

“Good night, Kaidan.” Joshua muttered, voice thick with sleep.

“Good night, Joshua.” Kaidan sighed contentedly, watching and making sure Joshua got back to sleep before falling asleep himself.

-o-

The next morning it was as if the night hadn't happened at all. Joshua, upon waking and subsequently waking Kaidan, began to stubbornly insist that if he had to take another meal in the tiny little room he was going to throw it at the wall rather than eat it.

Kaidan wouldn't put it past him at this point, even though he was apprehensive at the prospect of Joshua eating in a cafeteria of people who would probably recognise him from the recruitment vids from the year after the Geth War.

Joshua countered his first protests by insisting that he'd have to face people some day, that humans weren't meant to live in small rooms, and that he had been in the same room for ten months and was getting tired of it. The last one didn't even make sense, considering Joshua insisted he didn't remember any of said ten months. But it made it's point, Joshua was desperate not to be locked up in the same room anymore. It had only been a week, but since when had Commander Joshua Shepard ever stayed anywhere for more than a few hours?

So now they were in the cafeteria, after Kaidan had gained clearance from Miranda. She'd told him that it wasn't as if Joshua wasn't _allowed_ to leave his room, just that non-authorised visitors were not allowed to enter. She'd also expressed slight apprehension towards the idea, but had also pointed out that they may end up with a hunger strike if they refused.

Joshua had, after some debate, agreed he would sit in the wheelchair. He was peering over the counter of the buffet line in interest. Kaidan was watching every person who happened to set eyes on him, whether or not they recognised him. Already one of the cooks had come out of the kitchen and offered to make something different than what was available and expressed his surprise that 'Commander Shepard' was even a patient at the Memorial Hospital.

“See,” Joshua interjected into Kaidan's thoughts, “They have way better stuff down here.” Kaidan looked down to see Joshua looking up at him with his brows raised, clearly aware that Kaidan was not paying any attention in the least to his new found love for the hospital's food.

“Good. Let's pick something and find somewhere quiet to sit.” Kaidan grumbled, only now glancing at the line and noting that there were in fact better choices. There were scrambled eggs, fruit salad, bacon, hashbrowns, muffins, and cereal, not to mention that he could smell coffee. He'd forgotten, having been so caught up in everything Joshua was doing, that the cafeteria had a wider range of food than what was automatically brought up to patients.

When he looked down again Joshua was grinning up at him, pushing their trays further down the line so that they were out of his reach and Kaidan would have to push him forward so that he could reach them again. And damn if he didn't look just like a spoilt kid who had just gotten exactly what he wanted. Kaidan felt himself smiling anyways, leaning over him as he pushed the wheelchair forward.

“Behave.” he chided, glancing up at their plates and noting that Joshua had somehow managed to get eggs, bacon, and hashbrowns from the ladies behind the counter while he had been monitoring everyone in the room.

“I'm behaving.” Joshua replied lightly. It was easy to forget that the night before had ever happened, Kaidan wondered if that was exactly what Joshua was trying to do. It was good to see him behaving normally, maybe getting him out of the room had been a good idea after all.

As they came to the end of the line, where the cashier stood so that they could pay, a female nurse sidled up beside them.

“Your meals are covered.” she said helpfully, and Kaidan looked up surprised to see she was asari. Though not unheard of, it was uncommon to see aliens working on earth.

“Yeah, I know.” Kaidan said cautiously. Every expense within the hospital had been covered since he had arrived so many months prior. He hadn't asked if it was Miranda or the Alliance's doing, but he hadn't really been concerned about it at the time.

“I can help you carry the trays to the table,” the asari said brightly. Even though Kaidan would have very much liked to deny her, because he'd noticed that she was eyeing Joshua appreciatively, he knew that with Joshua carrying his own tray on his lap, he wouldn't be able to carry his tray and push the wheelchair at the same time.

“Sure, thanks.” Joshua smiled up at her, taking his tray and setting it on his lap as the asari took Kaidan's tray, “Let's sit...” Joshua scanned the cafeteria and Kaidan prayed he wouldn't pick the table where there was an entire group of people watching them eagerly, “over there.” Apparently, for once, Kaidan's prayers were answered, because Joshua pointed over to a table tucked into the corner where there were very few people.

“Perfect,” the asari smiled right back at Joshua, stepping so that she was beside the wheelchair as Kaidan pushed it, “I'm Shiano, by the way. I work in the hospital.”

As they crossed the cafeteria Shiano and Joshua settled into conversation and Kaidan began to feel like a third wheel.

Even as they sat at the table, Shiano set the tray which she had been carrying in front of Joshua and Joshua ended up handing Kaidan his, offering a shrug and a half smile along with it. Kaidan sighed as he sat on the other side of the table.

Shiano stood over Joshua for a moment, “Do you want help moving onto the bench?” she asked helpfully. Always so helpful, these asari.

“No, I got it.”Joshua insisted, though Kaidan was surprised he was going to move at all considering he was already in a chair. Apparently this hadn't occurred to him, because he moved anyways. Kaidan rose to his feet again to offer help as Joshua groaned, concerned his legs were still hurting from the day before. Shiano was there before he was though, having been beside him already. She helped Joshua from his chair and onto the bench which was attached to the table and then sat close beside him.

Kaidan sat back down, eyeing his plate like it had insulted his mother. He felt a shoe kick him under the table and looked up to find Joshua raising his brows at him inquisitively. The look quickly turned into a smile, _that_ smile. The smile which made Kaidan smile back at him in spite of himself.

“I had no idea that Commander Shepard had been at this hospital!” Shiano cut into their moment and, like a proper gentleman, Joshua's attention snapped back to her, “I suppose you were in the wing that the Alliance locked down. We were pretty upset over that, but I can see it was for a good cause.” She smiled sweetly at him.

Joshua shook his head, “Not really, I feel bad for having taken up resources. If I'd been conscious I would have protested.” Shiano gasped softly, placing a hand on Joshua's arm sympathetically. Kaidan began to angrily shovel eggs into his mouth.

“Your injuries must have been terrible.” She cooed. Asari were always doing this with Joshua, leaning all over him and trying to get a little bit of his tale of heroism. They'd done it every time Kaidan had caught Joshua in Purgatory, and sometimes openly in the Presidium Commons and in the Wards. Even Sha'ira had tried to make a pass at him.

Now, however, Joshua abruptly dropped his fork back onto his tray and his hands disappeared under the table.

“Yeah,” he chuckled awkwardly, “so I hear.” Kaidan felt Joshua's foot come up to rest against the side of his calf, “So what is it that you do here?” Joshua asked, skillfully changing the subject as usual. Shiano didn't even notice, apparently caught in the greatness that was Commander Shepard.

“Oh, mostly I'm an assistant or a nurse. I studied at a human university, human physiology is fascinating.” she explained. She glanced between Joshua and his food for a moment before asking, “Do you need help?”

Kaidan pushed to his feet, ready to object to her going anywhere near his food, but Joshua looked up at him in surprise and the challenging look which Shiano gave him made him want to throw her across the room.

Rather than start a biotic battle, Kaidan stepped back over the bench, “Coffee,” he stated stiffly, turning to head back to the counter. He didn't catch Joshua shifting towards him, or the longing look on his face as he went.

Kaidan grumbled to himself as he poured his cup of coffee, filling it with sweetener because they actually had sweetener here where it had been a luxury on the Normandy. He wondered if Joshua wanted one. He glanced back to their table, where Shiano was leaning against Joshua's shoulder, her hand on his chest. Joshua's reaction was impossible to glean because his back was to Kaidan, though he still looked tense.

Kaidan sighed. His jealousy, because it couldn't be called anything else, was unwarranted. Joshua, as far as he knew, hadn't shown any interest in anyone besides him since they had met. His only uncertainty was the year Joshua had spent with Cerberus, another wall which they hadn't broken down in their relationship. One he wasn't quite ready to knock down himself, because he'd come to realise he'd led Joshua on during their time on the SR-1 and because he'd purposefully taken part in fleeting relationships after finding out Joshua was alive in partial hope that he'd get word of it and feel just as betrayed as he had about Joshua joining Cerberus. Joshua probably wasn't ready to hear about that, Kaidan was aware he may never be.

He poured Joshua a cup as well, being petulant wasn't going to get him anywhere. He realised, however, that he had no idea how Joshua took his coffee. Everytime they'd had coffee on the Normandy it had been completely by coincidence and he'd been the one to walk in to Joshua already drinking. Joshua knew his preferences, but Kaidan had never learnt Joshua's. Kaidan sighed again, he'd been a terribly inattentive lover. No wonder Joshua was so convinced he was going to leave.

Rather than go ask and interrupt...whatever was happening between Joshua and Shiano though, he just poured some cream and sugar into the cup and headed back to the table.

He set the cup down next to Joshua's tray. Joshua covered his hand, holding it there on the cup for a moment and squeezing.

“Thanks.” he smiled up at him and Kaidan drowned in his violet gaze for a moment. There was something familiar in just looking at him. Kaidan had done so many times since rejoining the Normandy, wanting to remember every gesture, ever mannerism, the lines of his jaw, lips and eyes.

“Commander Shepard?”

Joshua's hand tensed over his and then withdrew, he turned back to Shiano.

“Hmm?” he asked, Shiano looking visibly annoyed that she was being ignored, pouting at Joshua prettily with her brow furrowed slightly. Kaidan rounded the table again, setting down his coffee and sitting back down himself. He decided to give in to his growling stomach and actually finish his meal. Maybe it would take his mind off of Joshua and the asari hanging all over him.

“I was saying,” Shiano continued, “that there are a lot of group activities for rehabilitation patients. Some of it is psychologist or physiotherapist led, but there are group led sessions where you just talk and stuff. I bet they'd be really excited if _The_ Commander Shepard showed up. They have movie nights and things like that sometimes too.”

“I won't _be_ _The_ Commander Shepard pretty soon, I'm being forced into early retirement.” Joshua explained, sounding none too pleased. Shiano smiled at him.

“I think you'll be The Commander Shepard for a long time.” she said reassuringly.

There was a pause and Kaidan looked up from his food to see Joshua looking past him into the distance over his shoulder, looking like the world was upon his shoulders.

 _Oh_ , Kaidan realised, it still was. Even as Joshua recovered and flashed a grin at Shiano saying, “Great!” he didn't sound like he meant it.

That was it.

Joshua still felt like the world was counting on him, without something real to fight his mind was creating something for him. Kaidan wondered if Joshua had noticed, if he would ever notice something that had everything to do with him and nothing to do with anyone else. Instead he just looked haunted for a few moments, and then continued his conversation with Shiano.

The pair carried on for several more minutes, Kaidan trying to focus on eating. With a glance down at his plate, he noticed that the plate which he had been given had contained twice the portions of the one of the other side of the table...which meant that Joshua had taken Kaidan's tray to begin with when they'd come over to the table.

Kaidan smiled slightly, not listening to the conversation which was being had across from him anymore. He realised that Joshua was still doing things with him in mind first. He wondered if the cafeteria excursion hadn't started out for his benefit as well, Joshua trying to make up for the lack of calories and food Kaidan had been taking in for the past week while he had insisted on eating with Joshua in his room.

He looked up from his food just in time to catch Joshua looking away from him, trying to pretend he hadn't been watching.

All at once Kaidan felt badly for his behaviour. Joshua was still entirely devoted to him, even when talking to a woman who was hanging all over him. Joshua's foot had pressed up against his again, maintaining contact all along as if to say 'I haven't forgotten you'.

What Joshua had forgotten, Kaidan noticed, was the food on his plate. While he had been talking to the asari, Joshua's food had remained untouched. His fork was still laying where it had fallen before Kaidan had gone to get coffee.

“Shepard, eat.” he said, in his best attempt at an order. He wasn't used to ordering Joshua around, but it seemed to work. Joshua looked up at him, surprised for a moment, before it turned into a pout with a great deal of cheek hidden behind it.

“Yessir.” Joshua mumbled, looking forlornly at his eggs which had gone hard. The whole thing was probably cold by now, Kaidan's certainly was.

“Oh shoot!” Shiano exclaimed, standing as she checked the time on her omnitool, “I'm late.” she explained when Joshua looked up at her questioningly. Kaidan wasn't surprised. She had been hanging all over him for the better part of an hour.

“Oh, sorry.” He had no idea why Joshua was apologising. Shiano smiled at him coyly.

“No worries.” She leaned in, hand on Joshua's shoulder, way too close for Kaidan's comfort. He clenched the bench, shoulders tense as she glanced at him like she'd won before looking back to Joshua, “I'd really like if you'd come to one of the groups, I'll see you later.” she said, tone low.

“Uhm...sure.” Joshua replied as she stood up to leave. As she went she waved over her shoulder at him, without sparing Kaidan a second glance. Joshua, without so much as blinking, went back to his food and, to Kaidan's surprise, began eating.

For a few minutes Kaidan just watched him, making sure he was actually eating and not just pushing his food around like he often did.

“Well,” Kaidan said finally, “that was fun.” He sounded sour, even to his own ears, but he couldn't help it. Joshua looked up at him, brow furrowed with confusion. His fork has just disappeared into his mouth and now he looked like he regretted taking the bite because he couldn't reply. “The asari,” he explained further, “She was flirting with you.”

Joshua's look of confusion slowly turned into one of disbelief, and then shock as he slowly lowered his fork to his tray and let it rest on the edge of his plate. He chewed furiously for a moment, clearly in a hurry to get his mouth clear, and then swallowed before speaking, “Is that why she kept touching me?” he asked, sounding mortified, “I thought that was just something asari did!”

For a moment they sat in silence. Kaidan's mouth slowly twitching up before his face broke into a wild smile and laughter bubbled out of him. The look of complete mortification on Joshua's face just making him laugh harder. Of _course_ Joshua would think that every thing aliens did which he didn't quite understand was just a cultural thing. So culturally sensitive was he that he'd needed it explained to him when other beings were just being flat out rude to him. He was quick to defend his crew-members and friends, but never himself.

“Stop laughing!” Joshua protested, taking a gulp of his coffee and then making a face. With effort Kaidan did stop laughing, but the smile stayed on his face despite the obvious blunder with Joshua's coffee.

“No good?” he asked, his tone still betraying his mirth as he reached across the table to squeeze Joshua's hand.

Joshua shook his head, “S'fine.” he even took another sip as if to prove it, but the look on his face told another story.

“Joshua, I'm not going to bite you, just tell me and I'll get it right next time.” Kaidan insisted, watching as Joshua set the cup down, covered Kaidan's hand so it was sandwiched between his hands, and then looked down at the table like a puppy who had been badly behaved.

After a moment Joshua looked up at him guiltily, “I'm sorry for letting her lean all over me.” Apparently he was going to punish himself with bad coffee.

Kaidan snorted.

“You didn't know.” He wasn't sure he sounded reassuring, he was too entertained by all of this. Joshua shook his head, clearly taking this far more seriously and looking like he was going over every encounter he'd ever had with asari in his head. He looked more horrified by the second. “You never had interest in any of them?” Kaidan asked, and was surprised by how quickly Joshua shook his head.

“I'm not interested in human females, why would I be interested in an entire species of them?” Joshua asked.

And it had never occurred to Kaidan that Joshua had no interest in women what-soever. He thought Joshua had just so happened to be attracted to him, as he was to Joshua. That meant that the past few years of watching Joshua's every interaction with females had been meaningless. He apparently hadn't been at risk of being forgotten for Tali, or Liara, or Miranda.

Now, he wondered, if he had missed Joshua flirting with members of the same sex for his discretion. His mind went to Steve Cortez. He must have made a face, because Joshua looked distressed.

“Is that a problem?” Joshua asked, hand holding his a little too tightly. Two-hundred years ago, maybe it would have been a problem. But such 'issues' were no longer worth a thought, certainly not a problem at all.

Yet Joshua, despite their relationship, despite _everything_ was looking at him like he was expecting the ball to drop here. Kaidan pulled his hand out from between Joshua's and covered both of his hands with his own. Joshua's gaze moved cautiously between their hands and Kaidan. Kaidan was uncomfortably aware that they were in a public room with people watching them, because people were always watching Joshua.

“No, it's not, how could it be?” Kaidan asked, fighting the temptation to glance around and see if anyone was looking. If he looked away now Joshua would be convinced he was ashamed of them. He'd feel guilty, Joshua was constantly trying to take responsibility for everything. Even if it was just this one little thing, Kaidan wanted to let him know he didn't _need_ to feel guilty.

Joshua's gaze fell to the table, “I dunno,” he mumbled, “I just didn't want you to be uncomfortable.” And now Joshua looked up, glancing at the other patients, nurses, and kitchen staff who were looking at them, looked back at Kaidan, and attempted to pull his hands away with an apologetic look.

Kaidan squeezed Joshua's wrists, keeping his hands right where they were, “We're fine,” he insisted, “this isn't even as public as our first date on the Citadel.”

Joshua frowned at him, tilting his head slightly as if he didn't know what Kaidan was talking about. Then realisation dawned on his face like a light had gone on, “That was a date?” he asked.

Kaidan retracted one hand to rub down his face, to cover the snort which expelled from his nose, “What did you think it was?” Over his fingers, which had come to settle over his mouth, he could see Joshua looking around with that same frown as before.

“Is this a date?”

Kaidan smirked at him. Sometimes he forgot that Joshua was younger and that he hadn't really had much time (if any) in his life for romance. “Sure, why not?”

For a moment Joshua nodded to himself, looking down at the table, at Kaidan's finished food and his almost finished food, and then at their hands. “Wow, I must be really _shit_ at dates if I let some girl hang all over me when I'm with someone else during them.”

Kaidan shrugged, “You're doing better than me, I've had people actually walk away when I was on dates with them.”

Joshua seemed to consider that for a moment, not seeming to know whether he felt sympathy for Kaidan's plight, or if he was upset that Kaidan had been on other dates before. Then, he looked at him, and _that_ smile grew on to his face.

“I love you.” he said.

Kaidan smiled back, “I love you too. Now tell me how you take your coffee.” Yes, Kaidan had definitely caught him subtly changing the subject.

Joshua rolled his eyes slightly, his smile turning into a grin, “Cream, just two cream.”

He could remember that, he could _definitely_ remember that.


	13. Visitors and Gifts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah I think this chapter puts me over the 50k word count. I seriously have no idea how long this story is going to be, I'm not seeing an end in sight yet though.

Joshua sat alone in his room, blanket tucked up to his hips, staring out the opened blinds out into the city. It looked...well he didn't really know what it was supposed to look like. He'd never been to New York in his life, but he figured it looked better than he had expected. The sky was red with the sunset hanging low on the horizon, the buildings pillars obscuring the view.

He hadn't spent so much time on one planet in a long time, he was starting to get itchy with the need to move.

He sighed and stared down at his hands, which were resting on his lap over the blanket. Kaidan had gone off to 'grab some clothing and supplies' an hour or so earlier, after their breakfast and after Kaidan had wheeled him around the hospital grounds. The latter had taken whining and Joshua insisting that he was so bored he was going to get up and walk around himself if he had to.

Kaidan had placed another hesitant call to Miranda to get permission. Joshua had really just wanted Kaidan to go and do it without clearance, show some of that freedom they'd earned, but Kaidan liked rules and Joshua knew that. It had taken him almost four years to get Kaidan to break the regulations about fraternisation and even then Kaidan had done it on his terms.

Joshua picked idly at his nails, not that he was doing anything recently to actually get dirt under them, but he was bored and desperately needed something to do. He'd been told no vids, Kaidan still had control of his omnitool and he'd taken it with him when he left. So Joshua settled with glaring out at the last dregs of sunlight.

It was winter, or close to it. The sun had almost gone down and it wasn't even five in the afternoon yet. Joshua wasn't used to day and night cycling like this. Even the six months in the detention centre hadn't made him used to how time passed on Earth, and then it had only been in Vancouver. He'd never seen anywhere else on the planet for more than a few hours.

He felt like he was incarcerated again. He couldn't do anything without someone having to ok his every move, he couldn't go anywhere and he couldn't leave. All he wanted to do was leave. He wanted to call up Miranda on the omnitool which Kaidan had appropriated and demand that she let him out so that he could go  _somewhere._  Useless as he may have been without the proper use of his legs or the ability to hold a gun properly (the very idea causing his hands to shake slightly, his stomach clenching uncomfortably) he didn't want to be stuck in the rectangle which was his hospital room any more. He was pretty sure the bathroom was bigger than the actual room.

Joshua just about jumped out of his skin when the lock on the door clicked and the door slid open. His hands had gone to either side of the bed, digging into the sides and ready to vault out automatically even though there was no way his legs would take the weight of the landing. He was shocked to see Joker and EDI in the doorway, his grip not relaxing in the slightest. He wished Kaidan had left his omnitool behind.

“I'm sorry, Joshua,” EDI said apologetically, Joshua felt his stomach clench at the sound of her voice. He was so  _relieved_ to hear her, but he simultaneously felt nauseous. He couldn't even remember what he'd done, but he felt guilt so overwhelming he thought he might actually be sick.

“Why're  _you_  sorry?” Joshua asked, as the pair entered and EDI placed herself at the end of his bed. Joker rounded the bed, limping slightly as he did so, and came to rest at his side, his expression impassive.

“Jeff was unhappy that you cancelled our visit last night, and insisted on coming today 'no matter what',” EDI explained lightly, folding her hands over the foot-board and smiling at him in that friendly way which usually made him want to grin back, now it made his stomach flip again.

He wanted Kaidan to come back. Joshua glanced between EDI and Joker, EDI seemed fine, but Joker seemed...

“You asshole.”

Joshua raised an eyebrow at him. “What,” he asked, settling into an old behaviour with someone who'd never had any expectations of him before. “You wanted to see me so bad that you're calling me names now?” His tone was light, but he could see the set of Joker's shoulders, hear the decidedly not light tone in which he'd spoken.

“Been real busy trying to put the galaxy back together, you sleeping in a bed for a year and all,” Joker said.

EDI cast him an aloof glance, “Jeff,” she warned. She looked like this was a subject they'd already spoken about and she didn't want it brought up again.

Joshua dropped his gaze to his lap, his head drooping slightly. “I'm sorry, Joker,” he muttered. The apology held so much weight that he felt like he was being pulled down by it. The silence which followed was just as heavy and Joshua wondered if he should have instead apologised to EDI. He wasn't even sure what he was apologising for anymore.

“You promised me you'd come back in one piece, and instead you tried to kill EDI and came back in the worst possible shape I could imagine!” Joker snapped. Joshua flinched and didn't look up, his hands shook. “Then, the first chance I get to actually see you in one piece since saying good bye to you before you went to Earth, you cancel!”

There was a pause, a low growl in Joker's throat and then in a snap Joshua felt pain blossom over the side of his face as Joker punched him with more strength than he knew he had. He saw stars for a moment, Joker having hit him right in the cheek and temple.

“Jeff.” EDI had moved around the bed and put a hand on Joker's shoulder when Joshua's vision cleared. Joker was holding his hand, his fingers looking slightly mangled. “Joshua did what was required of him, I had already considered the outcome when we came to it and made the appropriate arrangements. You do not need to be angry.”

“I promised Anderson I'd take care of you,” Joker mumbled, apparently ignoring EDI for now and instead watching Joshua with a mixture of hurt and anger. Joshua held the side of his face, which was throbbing slightly, watching Joker as he spoke. “You told me you'd come back, and instead you ran off and--”

“I know,” Joshua interrupted. It was odd that of all people Joker was the one to notice that he hadn't planned to come back from the mission to the Citadel. Actually, perhaps it wasn't. Joker had also been one of the only people to notice he hadn't planned on coming back from the suicide mission with the Collectors, Garrus being the only other. He dropped his gaze again, “I ended up not protecting either of us.” He chuckled derisively, shaking his head.

Joker scoffed at him, “Anderson was going to take care of himself, in his way, no matter what you did.” Joshua looked up again, wringing his hands and trying to stop them from shaking. “Look, I know you did what you had to do, but next time could you at least  _warn_  me that you're going to put yourself into a coma and try to kill both my ship  _and_  my synthetic girlfriend?”

“Hmm.” Joshua nodded slowly, gaze going to the door as he willed Kaidan to come through it again.

“Jeff, you just punched him in the face,” EDI chided.

“Yeah, I know. I think I broke my hand,” Joker agreed, attempting to flex his fingers and wincing slightly.

“I think you broke my face too,” Joshua replied, glancing at him out of the corner of his eye. Joker sighed.

“Yeah, well, sorry.”

Joshua looked back at EDI, so relieved that she was still there, that she could still be everything that Joker needed, and still feeling so sick over what he'd done to her.

“Don't worry EDI, sometimes human males just need to hit each other,” he explained, shrugging his shoulders and trying to forget the rolling of his stomach and the pain in his cheek.

“I have observed this behaviour in males of many species Joshua, not just humans,” EDI agreed, nodding to herself and looking over Joker's hand. “I do not understand the reasoning behind it,” she concluded.

“That's because you're a girl,” Joker shot, and EDI looked pleased with that answer. She smiled to herself.

At that moment the door opened and Joshua almost jumped out of the bed to greet Kaidan as he came through, but he didn't really feel like falling flat on his face in front of Joker. Kaidan looked surprised for a moment, then frowned at EDI and Joker.

“EDI, Joker, what are you two doing here?” he asked, setting his dufflebag on the cot and looking between the three of them.

“We came to visit,” EDI explained, and Joshua almost had to chuckle at her penchant for explaining the obvious, but Kaidan caught sight of his face.

“What happened to your face?” Kaidan asked, slipping between the bed and the cot and reaching to grasp Joshua's chin. He forced Joshua to look at him, scrutinising the redness, then looking at Joker and quickly making the connection between Joshua's face, and Joker's hand. “You  _hit_  him?” Kaidan demanded, releasing Joshua's chin and balling his hands into fists at his side.

Joshua shrugged. “I deserved it,” he admitted, hoping to dissolve Kaidan's anger.

“It was a male bonding ritual,” EDI put in, making both Joshua and Joker burst into sniggers. Kaidan frowned at them, even as Joker slung an arm over Joshua's shoulders.

“Not that it's something Major 'Regulations' Alenko would understand,” Joker said, smiling at Joshua, who found himself smiling back. He understood why Joker had been angry, he could still feel some of the tension in him, but he felt like it was probably a conversation for later...maybe much later.

“I wouldn't?” Kaidan asked, crossing his arms and looking between the two of them, completely unimpressed.

“Don't worry about it Kaidan,” Joshua said, turning his smile to Kaidan. For a moment Kaidan looked apprehensive, then he sighed and shook his head, dropping his arms back to his side again.

“I think we should go see the nurse, before Jeff's hand swells up too badly,” EDI counselled. Joshua looked at Joker's hand, which was hanging over his shoulder.

“That's probably a good idea,” Joshua agreed.

Joker sighed dramatically. “Fine, get rid of me,” he groused, withdrawing his arm and stepping away from the bed. “But I'm coming back,” he warned, pointing with his good hand and narrowing his eyes at Joshua.

“Notice, would be good,” Kaidan grumbled, settling his hands down on the bed beside Joshua.

“Yes, we will give notice this time,” EDI confirmed, gesturing for Joker to walk past her and back around the bed.

Joshua watched Joker as he reached the door, “Good luck flying the ship with a broken hand, Joker,” he said.

Joker mimicked him while rolling his eyes as he left the room, “Good luck kissing your boyfriend with a broken face Commander!” he called back. Joshua snorted, ignoring the spike of panic which the name elicited, the feeling like he wasn't doing enough, like he needed a datapad in his hand, and a battle plan for the next mission.

Joshua turned to EDI, who was still standing beside his bed and smiling pleasantly at him. Joshua started wringing his hands again, the lack of Joker in the room making him feel weighed down again. He wanted Kaidan to touch him, touch his shoulder or take his hands, but he wasn't sure that Kaidan felt comfortable showing affection in front of their crew-members...old crew-members.

He leaned forward slightly, his shoulders slumped. He gripped his hands tightly in his lap, averting his gaze to his hands. What was he supposed to say? 'Sorry I apparently did something which killed you EDI, I don't know what I did, but thinking about it makes me feel like I'm going to be sick if it makes you feel any better' was not going to cut it. But he didn't know exactly what it was he was apologising for.

Kaidan's hand grasped his shoulder gently, Joshua simultaneously wanted to kiss him for reading his mind and disappear for needing the contact. Then, a tentative hand settled on his knee. He looked up to see EDI still smiling at him, her gaze as gentle as her touch.

“You are feeling guilt over something which I do not feel any ill will towards you for, Joshua,” She said softly. Joshua's breath hitched in his throat.

“No I--”

“You did the right thing. You did not know what you would be facing when you went to the Citadel, but you did know that your one goal was to eradicate the Reapers, and you did so,” EDI continued, not accepting his protest.

Joshua grit his teeth. “I don't remember what I did. I can't...how can you be okay with what I did?” he asked, looking at her and desperately wanting an answer which would solve all of his problems. Kaidan's thumb began rubbing gently into the spot between his shoulder and collarbone, there was a scar there under his shirt.

“I would not expect you to make a decision in which you did not believe one-hundred percent,” EDI explained. “Which means whatever happened on the Citadel, I stand behind the choice you made.”

Joshua looked at her, remembering how scared she had seemed before the battle, thinking that they might lose to the Reapers, and how she'd told him that he'd been the one to help her find her ‘self’. It terrified him how he had all of these people who would stand behind whatever choice he made every time. This time he didn't even know what that choice may have been, and still they stood behind him.

“But, why?”

His question was interrupted by the door sliding open and Joker sticking his head back into the room.

“Hey, EDI, you coming?” he asked, sounding put off. He'd probably been standing outside the door, trying to listen through to their conversation and finding out that the room was mostly sound-tight.

EDI withdrew her hand and turned to Joker. “Yes, just a moment.” She rounded the bed as she watched Joshua out of the corner of her eye. “Goodnight Joshua, Kaidan,” she said pleasantly and then followed Joker out of the room.

Joshua stared at the door as it closed behind them, unable to take his eyes off of it. His question, unanswered, hung in the air and echoed between his ears.

Kaidan's other hand covered his. “Joshua, relax, your fingers are turning red.” He relaxed his death hold between his hands just a bit and turned to look at Kaidan. He hoped that maybe Kaidan would answer his question, he desperately wanted an answer. There had to be some reason.

When no answer came Joshua swallowed thickly over the lump which had formed in his throat. “Kaidan, I--”

Kaidan kissed him. The hand which had been on his shoulder coming to hold the back of his neck, pressing his head forward so that he had better access. He was gentle, pressing his lips against Joshua's in such a way that he felt both safe and loved.

Joshua parted his lips slightly, allowing Kaidan's tongue access and coaxing it into his mouth with his own. For a moment the question, the visit, and his missing memories were gone from his mind. He let go of his hands, wrapping an arm around Kaidan's shoulder and pulling him close just as Kaidan broke the kiss for air. Kaidan just pressed his forehead against Joshua's. Joshua smiled tiredly at him.

“I'm sorry I didn't notice, the reason why EDI and Joker coming to visit bothered you so much,” Kaidan muttered, threading his fingers through Joshua's free hand and shaking his head slightly.

“I didn't say anything about it,” Joshua said, frowning slightly in confusion at him.

“You never do,” Kaidan replied, which hurt Joshua's feelings a bit, but it was true so he couldn't disagree. “I'll learn to read into it better, I promise.” The assurance made Joshua more confused. Kaidan sounded like he felt bad and Joshua couldn't understand why on Earth Kaidan should feel bad about not knowing things he hadn't said.

“You don't have to,” Joshua said.

“I want to,” Kaidan insisted, pressing his fingers into the back of Joshua's neck. Joshua relaxed into the touch. “So, you really can't remember anything from after the beam run?” The fingers at the back of his neck began drawing circles, Kaidan's forehead was still pressed against his. His mind wanted to put up walls against the question, but Kaidan's very existence made him want to give in.

“I don't. Every time I try I...”

_He saw a long hallway, the stench unbearable. He couldn't tell if it was his burnt skin, or the bodies lying all around him. His every step ached, his breath fire in his chest. His head swam as he tried to take a step, he stumbled--_

Kaidan hushed him, both of his arms had gone around him and he was pressed into the safety of Kaidan's chest. He must have made some sort of sound, or something.

“Just breathe,” Kaidan cooed. Joshua's breath hitched. “Joshua, breathe.” His tone was more of an order that time, Joshua felt compelled to obey. He took a deep, stuttering breath.

“Kaidan...” he sounded weak to his own ears, but Kaidan stroked his hair. He wasn't worrying as much that Kaidan was going to be annoyed with his stupidity anymore. He still felt uncomfortable with displaying this much weakness to anyone.

“It's okay, you don't need to worry about it right now. Just  _breathe_.”

Breathing was okay. Breathing was easier when he was with Kaidan. He wasn't floating in the black expanse with the sound of air hissing out of his helmet, walking down a dark hallway painted in the blood of hundreds, or hearing the screams of fifty marines dying. Kaidan...Kaidan meant he was safe.

He wondered if Kaidan didn't know the answer to his question. Kaidan was the only one on his team who had downright told him he couldn't stand with him no matter what. Just the thought of it made his stomach flip all over again. He didn't know what he wanted, for people to stand with him or not.

He just knew he wanted Kaidan to stay with him.

“You know...” Joshua muttered. “I thought...after Horizon I thought I'd never see you again.” Kaidan's ministrations didn't stop, but his hold increased slightly. “I wanted you so badly...so much that I...” He had been willing to do  _anything_ for Kaidan. “I never thought that you would love me as much and I love you.”

“I do,” Kaidan whispered, nuzzling his nose into Joshua's hair.

“I missed you.” Joshua pressed his lips together as Kaidan pulled away from him, only far enough that he could look him in the eye. He was worried he'd said too much. Kaidan looked serious.

“I regret leaving you alone that day, and arguing with you on Mars. I regret not telling you how much you meant to me before we defeated Saren. I also regret telling you I didn't want to hear your feelings about Horizon. I missed three years of your life, I  _do_ want to hear about them. I missed you too.” By the time Kaidan finished, Joshua was shocked. His brows knit, his eyes wide.

“I... I wasn't awake for two of those years you know.” He recovered, smiling at Kaidan and earning a returned smile for his trouble. He shrugged. “You couldn't have come with me anyways, I know that.”

“I know my words hurt you though, that's enough to make me regret not going with you,” Kaidan explained. Joshua pursed his lips, dropping his gaze and sighing softly. It would be a lie to say he hadn't been hurt, and there was no point in lying about something that Kaidan already knew.

“Kaidan...”

Kaidan's fingers pressed under his chin, forcing his gaze back up again.

“We all have regrets. Dwelling on them doesn't help, no matter how much you want to.” Kaidan looked at him meaningfully. Joshua pressed his lips together again, chewing slightly on the inside of them.

“I have a lot,” Joshua admitted.

“I know.” Kaidan smiled sympathetically at him, thumb brushing lightly at his chin.

“You're not one of them,” he said, smiling at Kaidan, feeling adoration strong in his chest. “I'd do it all again for you.”

Kaidan kissed him again, more fiercely than the first time. “I know,” he replied huskily when he pulled away. “I love you Joshua.”

It was Joshua's turn to kiss Kaidan, returning his affections between kisses.

-o-

“I spoke to Miranda today,” Kaidan told him several hours later. Joshua was on his stomach on his bed and Kaidan was straddling his hips, trying to work the tension out of his back and shoulders.

“Yeah I know,” Joshua replied

“To ask if I was 'allowed' to leave my room.” He knew he sounded bitter, but at this point he didn't care. Kaidan had refused to let him go down to the cafeteria for dinner.

“You didn't like that did you?” Kaidan asked, digging his thumbs into the muscles over his left shoulder blade. “Besides, I meant while I was out.”

Joshua groaned in response to the knot which Kaidan had found in his shoulder. Kaidan was probably getting too observant, the idea that he may be able to notice something that he was trying to hide just by looking was unnerving. It didn't occur to him that he did that with Kaidan quite often himself, or that maybe it was a good thing for the both of them.

“What did she say then?” Joshua asked, flexing his muscles slightly in protest to the discomfort Kaidan's thumbs were causing.

In reply Kaidan splayed his hands over his back and leaned in close to his ear. “Relax, would you?” he whispered, making Joshua shiver. Intimacy, explicit intimacy, was still a no-go, he just wasn't interested, but having Kaidan so close to him still lit a fire in him which he'd thought was long gone more than once before. He did his best to relax, hoping Kaidan planned to answer his question. Instead he went back to his work for a few moments. “Two more weeks,” he said finally.

“Until?” Joshua asked, thinking of a building being finished or a colony being recovered.

“Until she'll consider discharging you,” Kaidan explained. Joshua groaned, squishing his face into the pillow. “No good?” Kaidan asked, rubbing a thumb into the crook of Joshua's neck.

“No!” Joshua complained, face still in the pillow. He didn't want to be stuck in the hospital for another hour let alone three-hundred-thirty-six of them! He missed having a bed which he could stretch out on and still fit Kaidan on, he missed the sound of the Normandy, having his own space and, while he would probably not find himself on the Normandy for a long time if ever again, he hated spending time doing nothing in the hospital.

“Joshua,” Kaidan sighed, climbing off of his back and off of the bed, sitting on the awful squeaking cot. “Just sort of talking to me and having me rub the cramps out of your legs and back are not going to help you get better.” The statement made Joshua purse his lips. He would have loved if that would help make him better. Kaidan hadn't sounded upset that Joshua 'just sort of' talked to him, he actually sounded apologetic that it wouldn't help. Even though Kaidan sounded apologetic it was clear he would fight to defend Miranda's deliberation.

Joshua, still lying on his front, turned to face Kaidan with his head propped up on his arms. Kaidan watched him in silence, looking genuinely sympathetic to Joshua's plight.

“You can leave if you want, go back home,” Joshua mumbled, feeling sorry for himself.

All at once Kaidan frowned at him. “And why would I do that?” He asked sharply, sounding moderately annoyed. Annoyed Kaidan was probably not good.

“It's boring here. I'm bored and this is all apparently for  _my_ sake,” he explained, but Kaidan still looked annoyed, he crossed his arms. Why, he wasn't sure. Recently there had been things about Kaidan he just couldn't read. He wasn't sure if he had missed something or if Kaidan had changed. “I...” He thought of his next words carefully. “I want you to stay but I—”

“Then I'll stay,” Kaidan interrupted as his twisty half smile appeared on his face, not letting Joshua complete the thought that he didn't want Kaidan to get bored of him. He was surprised how much relief Kaidan's words brought him. Kaidan was watching him, waiting for a reply. His eyes were daring Joshua to challenge him even with the smile on his face. He wouldn't have dreamed of it.

Joshua shifted one arm out from under his head, reaching tentatively across the bed and the space between them. Kaidan leaned forward and hopped off of the cot, sweeping up Joshua's hand between his own and holding it against his chest. Joshua could feel his heart beating quickly as if he had been scared...

Worried. Had Kaidan been worried that he was being sent away?

“Okay.” Joshua nodded, Kaidan's hands squeezed his.

“Good,” Kaidan said, the relief in his tone told Joshua he'd been right on the money. He wasn't used to Kaidan worrying about him. He was certain it hadn't been a common occurrence on the SR-1 (except perhaps after they'd defeated Sovereign and they'd all thought he'd died) and...maybe he'd just missed it during the war. He remembered thinking Kaidan had been just annoyed with him when he'd gone diving for the Leviathan.

“Kaidan, were you angry with me when I went diving? When we were looking for Leviathan?” Joshua asked, the subsequent look of confusion from Kaidan which turned into a look of dismay told him he'd been wrong.

“What?” Kaidan asked, frowning. “No, I mean, yeah a little, but mostly I...I thought...” Kaidan looked distressed, like he was fighting between wanting to answer Joshua's question properly and a rush of emotions which was playing over his face and in his eyes. His jaw twitched.

Joshua shifted, sitting up and slinging his free arm around Kaidan's shoulders and pulling him closer. Kaidan still managed to keep his hold on his other hand, trapping it between them with his own.

“Okay,” Joshua muttered by Kaidan's ear. “It's okay.” Joshua spent so much time worrying about Kaidan that he'd forgotten that Kaidan might worry the same about him. He'd conveniently forgotten Kaidan's frantic embrace after he'd escaped the rubble after they'd defeated Saren and how broken Kaidan had said he had been after his...death with the SR-1. But now he was faced with the reality, Kaidan was off balance. They all had dreams like that, Kaidan had said after his nightmare two nights prior. He wondered if that was what he'd meant.

“Yeah...yeah.” Kaidan released his hand and wrapped his arms around him. “We're both okay.” Kaidan pressed his lips to Joshua's neck briefly, and then buried his nose into the space between Joshua's neck and T-shirt.

Joshua sometimes wondered if they were catching up on all of the times they hadn't held each other, instead held heated gazes or brushed hands. It felt so right that he almost never wanted to let go.

Except that Kaidan had relaxed his hold on Joshua and they both came apart, though Kaidan's touch lingered on his cheek for a moment. Kaidan's expression was one of adoration which he'd seen for the first time that night before they stormed the Cerberus base. Joshua looked back at him, lips tugging into an affectionate smile.

Kaidan sucked in a breath and pulled from him, going to rummage through his dufflebag.

“I got you something,” he muttered, voice slightly husky. Joshua looked over his shoulder, trying to see what it was as he sat cross-legged on the bed, even though his hip and knees complained. When Kaidan turned around he had a box, on it was a picture of the Normandy SR-2, “I know you had the SR-1, but they started making these while you were uh...in the detention centre.”

“Not the Citadel or something more spectacular?” Joshua asked, a grin on his face as he accepted the box and turned it over to read the specs.

“I thought this was safer, besides it's the Normandy you're missing so much.” And wasn't Kaidan the most attentive person ever, looking over him with the slightest uncertainty.

“This is accurate...and complicated,” Joshua concluded, sounding impressed.

Kaidan's lips tugged up into a half smile. “Enough for two weeks?” he asked.

“Enough for an evening or two.” When Kaidan looked crestfallen he continued, “ _Y _ou_  _are enough for two weeks.”

Kaidan got that look on his face, the one where he looked down trying to hide his expression and then looked up at him from under his brows, the one which showed uncertainty and said, 'I didn't come for a quick drink'...bashful. Joshua loved it.

Joshua uncrossed his legs, pushing himself off of the bed and onto to his feet, ignoring the pain, and leaving the box behind. He stumbled slightly, but Kaidan met him halfway and his arms went around Kaidan's hips, his hands slipping into his back pockets. Kaidan's arms wound loosely around his waist.

“Are you okay?” Kaidan asked, glancing between them like he was afraid Joshua would fall.

Joshua shrugged. “I feel like my legs are on fire, but I'm good, thanks.” Even as he said it Kaidan backed him up so he was leaning on the edge of the bed “That's the best gift I've ever received.”

“You haven't received that many good gifts then,” Kaidan replied. Joshua fixed him with a stern look.

“I've never received a gift from you before,” He said seriously.

Kaidan raised an eyebrow at him. “And you said  _I_ was the hopeless romantic.”

Joshua grinned, and Kaidan kissed him soundly on the mouth. “I chased after you for almost four years, do you really think I'm not a hopeless romantic?” he asked, bumping their noses together when he broke the kiss.

Kaidan smiled at him, running his hand up and down his back. He chuckled. “ _No_ , I suppose not.”


	14. Terrible Patient

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really tired while editing this so I'm so sorry if there's mistakes here and there.

He was going to walk today.

He'd decided that morning upon waking up to a particularly stiff and aching hip. He was tired of sitting and doing nothing all day. The model of the SR-2 now sat on the small table beside the bed in his room, complete after two evenings where Kaidan had gotten bored three hours in and Joshua had relented to quiet conversation.

Talking to Kaidan...wasn't so bad. Talking to Dr. Wakeham was a nightmare. He'd ask questions and Joshua would find his throat swollen, his tongue unable to move. Kaidan hadn't hid his disappointment the day before when he had just stared out the window for half an hour to avoid answering a question.

Having the man just picking files and reports out of thin air because he had dubbed them as traumatic when he had no idea how the events had affected him, or what it was like to experience them, was not helpful. More than once he'd tried to pry into his time with Cerberus and just made him feel like the Alliance was trying to make him implicate himself again.

There was never any feeling in Dr. Wakeham's voice, just a man drilling a solider on his reports. Joshua couldn't take the toneless way he went over the things he'd experienced. 'Do you want to talk about this' he'd say, as if he was asking about the weather. He was _not_ asking about the weather.

The previous day's physio had been a complete disappointment for him. His legs had firmly declined to hold his weight one at a time and had instead seized and refused to continue after ten minutes. He was not going to spend the rest of his life shuffling around like someone twice his age. Or worse, stuck in a chair. His left hip and leg were the worst, he couldn't put weight on them without feeling pain or his leg giving out.

Today day was also a physiotherapy day. If he could have argued the schedule with Miranda he would have. But he wasn't sure if he wanted physiotherapy every day, and screw the exhaustion and pain, or if he wanted more time to rest between appointments. That, and Miranda had insisted that she had formulated a schedule specific to his 'physical and psychological needs'.

Sometimes he wanted to yell at her. He felt like she saw him as a patient, or an object again, instead of the good friends which they had become over the past years. It was hard handling her cold calculating looks and feeling like a problem she could solve.

He'd been sitting thinking in the wheelchair for too long, he realised. While he was always told by the physiotherapist to 'take his time', he was pretty sure that he wasn't supposed to take the entire appointment. He groaned as he pushed himself to his feet, hands automatically going to rest on the parallel bars in front of him.

“You're doing better you know.” Kaidan said somewhere close behind him, his hand resting on his lower back, “The first day you couldn't even stand.”

At least that was true, he sighed anyways. He didn't want 'better', he wanted perfect.

“That's true!” the physiotherapist gushed. She'd told him her name the first day they had met and he'd promptly forgotten it. “Your legs are looking a lot stronger, the shaking is completely gone!” she always sounded so enthusiastic. Joshua had hated it since the first time he'd fallen and she'd encouraged him to 'try try again'.

Joshua clenched his teeth as pain shot through his hip. That had to stop now. Why couldn't Miranda have just rebuilt him from the ground up again like she'd done with Cerberus? Having a new body and starting over again...he'd resented it at the time, but all the aches and pains which had plagued him for years had been erased, as well as the ugly scar on his lip.

As it was the scar was back in almost the exact same capacity and he was about ready to remove his hip by himself. Using painkillers, as good as the option was beginning to sound to him, would turn into a crutch. But his sheer lack of independence was starting to frustrate him.

Tentatively he took a step, putting his weight on the hip which didn't hurt. It was easy, now that his knees weren't shaking anymore, even though his calves felt like rocks.

Now he hesitated to put weight on his bad leg and hip. This was the part which always either put him on the floor or made it so he was unable to continue due to his muscles seizing.

He paused, looking at Kaidan over his shoulder. Kaidan was looking down at the bars with a deep frown on his face, clearly thinking about something rather strongly. Joshua watched him, trying to catch his gaze without success. When he finally noticed Joshua wasn't moving anymore he looked up again.

“You're not putting _any_ weight on the bars.” Kaidan said, like that meant something. The physiotherapist wandered over from where she had been standing previously taking notes.. “Joshua, lean on the bars and take another step.” Kaidan instructed, before the therapist could interrupt. Joshua shrugged, leaning into his arms and locking his elbows, then took a step onto his bad hip with minimal issues. His hip only protested slightly. “Can I try something Heather?” Kaidan asked, his hand leaving his back so he could turn to the physiotherapist (whose name was apparently Heather).

“Sure, go for it.” she said, sounding slightly surprised. Joshua could see her scrutinising his hold on the bars a lot more closely. She'd started letting Kaidan help him move when he'd protested her having her hands so low on his back. He didn't really like people, strangers, touching him.

Kaidan smacked him lightly on the shoulder. He turned to see a 'really?' look on his lover's face as he swung to bend under the bar and back up between them. Joshua watched him, still not sure what he was trying to do, wondering what he'd done to earn the smack.

“Take my arms.” Kaidan said, holding out his arms to him bent at the elbows. Joshua tilted his head, shifting his weight back onto his good hip and reaching to grasp Kaidan's forearms. Kaidan gripped his arms from underneath, his fingers just curling under his elbows, and Joshua leaned forward into him slightly. “You...” Kaidan shook his head slightly, looking moderately amused, “Did you _hear_ when Heather told you to put as much weight as you needed on the bars?”

Joshua tilted his head slightly, looking down at where Kaidan was holding on to him. “Well, yeah, why?”

“And you didn't think to listen to her?” Kaidan asked, mouth tugging to the side and brow furrowed slightly in a look of both disbelief and dismay. Joshua grinned sheepishly. Maybe he hadn't listened to her at all, maybe he'd decided he was going to work as hard as he could take instead of relying on two pieces of metal. “Okay, well, I'm going to take a step back, and you are going to follow me, and lean on me when you need to.” Kaidan explained. Joshua nodded slowly, glancing between their entwined arms and Kaidan's eyes. Kaidan was waiting for the go ahead, even though his tone had been more of an order than a suggestion.

Slowly he nodded, “Yeah...all right.”

Kaidan gripped his elbows tighter, taking a tentative step back. Joshua followed him, leaning onto Kaidan's arm as he put weight on his bad hip. Kaidan, whose gaze had gone down to watch as Joshua stepped, looked back up at him in question. Joshua nodded slowly, watching as Kaidan took another step, and going with him. This one was easier, his other hip was fine and his knees _were_ doing much better.

When Kaidan looked back up this time, he was smirking. They took four more steps, two steps for each side.

“You've been over working your legs.” The physiotherapist said suddenly from their side, Joshua looked up surprised she was still there, she didn't sound or look very impressed.

“Exactly.” Kaidan agreed, “And you're far worse on your right side with that hip.”

The physiotherapist sighed exasperatedly, “You're _really_ lucky you have those cybernetics.” she grumbled, hands on her hips as she wandered off and through a door which Joshua was pretty sure led into a closet.

When Joshua looked back at Kaidan he was giving him that 'really?' look again.

“W-well I thought...”

“Did you?” Kaidan asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Hey!... Well yeah...no maybe not...” Joshua pouted slightly, huffing and letting his grip on Kaidan's arm falter slightly. Kaidan rolled his eyes at him, wrapping his now free arm around his waist, “Heather is right you know.” Kaidan scolded, looking at him seriously even as Joshua shifted so he was closer, “You _are_ lucky you have those cybernetics.”

Joshua's eyebrows rose at that statement, “I never would have thought I'd hear _you_ say that.”

“If it's the difference between you recovering and you _tearing a muscle or a ligament_ I'll pick the cybernetics any day.” Kaidan explained, releasing him as Heather returned from her excursion into the closet. She held a crutch in her hands. Kaidan smiled at her then turned back to Joshua, raising an eyebrow at him.

Joshua shifted out of Kaidan's grasp, leaning forward on the bar and watching as Heather crossed the room. She was frustrated with him, probably because he'd been fighting her aid since his first session with her, ignoring her instructions, cutting corners in her exercise regime.

“Uh...thanks,” he said as she handed him the crutch.

She sighed, smiling at him, “You're lucky you're cute, or I'd probably give up on you.”

“He's stubborn.” Kaidan agreed, swinging back under the bars and up between Heather and Joshua. Considering they were at the end of the bars and Kaidan could have just exited around the end, Joshua recognised the attempt to stop the woman from flirting with him by getting between them. After the incident with the asari nurse Joshua had noticed Kaidan was just a _bit_ possessive of him.

Joshua put a hand on Kaidan's shoulder, leaning in to kiss him lightly on the back of his neck, “Hey,” he protested weakly. He _was_ stubborn, his stubbornness was one reason the galaxy wasn't currently in ruin and enslaved by the Reapers. Kaidan turned to him, looking surprised.

Heather gave Kaidan an obliging look which made Joshua glare at her. He did not like people looking down on Kaidan, ever. Then Heather looked at him, apparently ignoring the glare, “So use the crutch under your right arm, since that's the hip that's bugging you.”

Putting just a little bit of weight on the bar, Joshua put the crutch under his arm and shifted his weight so he could angle himself around the end of the bars. The crutch, which was just a little too short, helped immensely. His hip still protested, but putting his weight on the crutch made it far less so.

“Huh...” Joshua looked down at his leg, surprised just how well the crutch was working. His left leg was hurting now though, his calf cramping slightly.

“Perfect.” Kaidan said, smiling broadly at him. Heather had gone to fetch his wheelchair, she pushed it up behind him so he could sit. For a moment he was caught between smiling back at Kaidan and relieving the pain in his legs, then Kaidan nodded towards the wheelchair and he sighed, sitting back into the chair and letting the crutch sit in the chair beside him.

“That was really good Joshua!” Heather enthused. Joshua looked up at her with a raised eyebrow and then wheeled the chair forward himself so he could be closer to Kaidan.

“Thanks.” he said, without looking back, “My legs are killing me now though...” Heather came up along side the chair, kneeling beside it and testing his calves with her fingers. Joshua tensed, looking up at Kaidan for help. He was _not_ okay with the invasion. Kaidan smiled at him gently and brushed some hair off of his face. Joshua leaned into the touch, momentarily distracted.

“You're cramping up again.” Heather said regretfully, “Probably because you tried to do it without putting any weight on the bars....again.” she sighed as she stood again, “We should massage them out.”

“Kaidan can.” Joshua leaned back into the wheelchair, feeling exhausted.

Heather shook her head, “It's probably best I do, we can do some exercises at the same time.”

Joshua pursed his lips, tucking the bottom of the crutch next to his foot on the footrest as Heather moved to push his chair over to the examination table in the corner of the room.

Kaidan came up beside them, moving before Heather could, to help Joshua get up onto the table. Joshua appreciated it, but he was pretty sure it was also because Kaidan didn't want Heather touching him.

He knew why people tried to get close to him. He was so tired of being “Commander Shepard” in everyone's eyes. He'd been tired of it years earlier, now it was just insult to injury.

He missed his friends, his crew-mates, people who saw him as a human being instead of an idea.

As he lay down on the bed Kaidan took his hand, running a thumb over his knuckles. Heather set up at the end of the bed, beginning the massage at his ankles.

“Do you know if anyone else knows that I'm awake?” Joshua asked Kaidan, ignoring the burning in his legs.

“I sent a communication to Liara and Garrus, but Tali's out of comm range.” Kaidan explained. Joshua squeezed his hand to try and take his mind off of Heather now bending his leg at his hip and knee.

“Good...” he replied, glancing up at the ceiling and wincing.

“Relax.” Heather reminded him gently.

He closed his eyes and took a sharp pained breath. He didn't like it, having someone's hands all over his legs. It felt weird, wrong. How was he supposed to relax when someone he barely knew was in a place of clear advantage over him?

Kaidan ran his fingers over Joshua's forehead with his free hand, Joshua's brow automatically relaxed. He hadn't realised he was so tense he was giving himself a headache. He made a whining noise as Heather bent his right leg up to his chest, his hip seizing as she did so in an attempt to stop the motion.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit...” Joshua complained, and hearing Kaidan's low chuckle almost made the pain worth it.

“You're doing just fine Joshua.” Heather reassured him. He didn't really need her to say it, it wasn't as if he was going to tell her to stop, or as if the words made it hurt any less.

Joshua cracked his eyes open, watching Kaidan's hand move over his brow and trying hard not to grit his teeth as Heather straightened his knee.

“This is stupid.” he complained, easing off into another whine.

“Nope.” Kaidan said simply, brushing his hair back on his head, “You're fine.”

Joshua pouted, but nodded, squeezing Kaidan's hand again. “Mhm...” he groaned, closing his eyes again. At least he'd actually walked, even if it ended up with him on the uncomfortable table with the physiotherapist trying to work the tension out of his legs.

For several more minutes he endured the massages and the stretching, trying to pay more attention to Kaidan's hand in his, Kaidan's other hand brushing at his hair, his cheek, his forehead. Kaidan seemed slightly distracted, but Joshua was too preoccupied with the pain to really notice.

He ended up walking the length of the bars one and a half times more after the cramps had been worked out of his legs. With Kaidan on one side of him and the crutch on the other. With Joshua actually using the crutch, and Kaidan when he needed to, walking wasn't actually that painful.

The physiotherapist cleared him for short walks and some exercises he could do by himself on his left leg without over working it. Kaidan, however, seemed unenthused by the idea.

When they got back to his hospital room, his knew crutch leaning against the bed, Kaidan leaned against his cot in silence for several minutes. Silence was probably a bad thing, judging by the way Kaidan seemed to be looking less and less impressed with the spot somewhere under his bed that he was looking at.

Joshua picked up the Normandy, turning it over in his hands nervously.

Kaidan had been understanding enough during the physio appointment. Even after his discovery that Joshua had been explicitly ignoring the doctor's instructions, he'd even seemed a little bit amused, but when the therapist had said he could start talking short walks Kaidan had protested. He had pulled her aside and spoken to her quietly for several minutes. When they had returned Kaidan had looked less than pleased and the clearance had remained.

When Kaidan had pushed him back to his room, in the awful wheelchair that still had to follow him everywhere, he had looked like he was lost in thought again. He'd either not noticed or ignored Joshua's attempts to start conversation. Joshua had been proud of himself, even slightly optimistic about the outcome of the appointment.

Even though Kaidan had found yet more evidence that Joshua was a bad patient, he had seemed alright with it at first...then again, if Kaidan had gotten upset Joshua probably wouldn't have been able to continue the appointment properly. Kaidan may have saved his initial feelings for later, and now he was thinking about how to express them.

He knew he was in trouble already, he could tell by the set of Kaidan's shoulders. He was tempted to try to take the Normandy apart so he could break the tension, instead he just stared at it blankly as he turned it over in his hands.

He knew, of course, that he'd been wrong to ignore the instructions of the physiotherapist. He'd definitely done it as a power struggle, he knew that too. Having been unused to taking orders from anyone but himself or Alliance Command, Joshua had rebelled on principle. He'd also just...really wanted to be better right away. He'd though that if he pushed himself hard enough his body would just...catch up. Being in a state of weakness, or disadvantage, had made him desperate.

“So, tell me,” Kaidan began, his tone made Joshua's stomach clench, but he looked at him anyway, “Are you planning to listen to any of your doctors?” Kaidan was not pleased at all. At some point he'd started looking at _him_ instead of the spot under his bed, arms crossed, mouth twisted to the side and down at the corners.

Joshua opened his mouth to reply, then snapped it shut and stared back down at the Normandy. Joshua heard a shuffle, saw Kaidan altering his stance slightly, feet farther apart, hands falling to his sides in his peripheral vision.

Kaidan continued, “Because you could have seriously hurt yourself, what if you'd never been able to walk again?” Kaidan paused, sighing, “When you haven't serviced a gun for ten months, do you take it out and fire it?”

No. That was the answer, but instead he gave a short, abortive head shake. His heart was in his throat, his chest tight. He felt like Kaidan was yelling at him even though Kaidan never yelled at him, just used that slightly elevated frantic tone. Even though he deserved it and Kaidan was absolutely right. The physiotherapist probably should have been the one to mention just how much he could have screwed up his recovery, not Kaidan.

Kaidan crossed his arms again, “No you don't, if you did it would probably jam or misfire. So why can't you apply that to yourself?”

Because he didn't want to. He didn't want to be a burden on anyone anymore. He wanted to get up and walk out of the hospital and do something. He wanted Hackett to reinstate his rank and ship. He wanted to be useful, and accepting that he needed to be rehabilitated and listen to the doctors meant that he couldn't be.

If he wasn't useful, doing something, making things better for other people, what was he? If he wasn't saving the galaxy, who was he?

He shrugged.

Kaidan huffed, “Shepard...Joshua, talk to me. I can see you're thinking something, just tell me what it is. Maybe I'll understand!”

He would probably, but Joshua was afraid he wouldn't. It would be easier if he could word it properly, make Kaidan understand that he'd just been _so_ desperate and he knew that he'd messed up. Instead he just sighed, fumbling the Normandy and letting it fall onto his lap. He settled with picking at the blanket over his knee.

“Joshua...” Kaidan begged, setting a hand on Joshua's arm. Joshua sucked on his lower lip. He should apologise to Kaidan for making him worry, for not listening to the doctors, for making him be the one to actually _take care of him_ because the doctors were too busy trying to get on his good side. Kaidan sighed again, his hand falling away, “I need some air...” he grumbled, turning away from Joshua and promptly leaving the room.

Joshua stared after him as the door slid closed, feeling deafened by the silence which fell as he left the room. No more breathing, no more shuffling, no more words. He was left completely alone to his own thoughts.

What had he expected? Kaidan had been patient and attentive, wanting to hear this thoughts and feelings and trying to understand him. He trusted Kaidan, he really did. What it all boiled down to was that _he_ had no experience putting his trust into words and actions. He was so used to making sure his true thoughts and feelings never reached his mouth that he'd forgotten how to let them. And now he'd reached the end of Kaidan's patience and was alone.

He looked down at the Normandy, loving it and what it meant too much to let his frustration with himself destroy it. Instead he lashed out with his right arm and smacked the crutch away from his bed, enjoying the sound of it clattering to the ground.

Gently he picked up the Normandy again, setting it on the table beside the bed. As he set it down he moved so that he was laying on his side and pulled the blankets up to his chin.

He tried to quell the painful clenching of his stomach, the way his mind started helpfully handing terrible scenarios to him.

Kaidan would come back...he hoped. He didn't think that this could be enough to make Kaidan give up, maybe just regroup and come back swinging later. He'd certainly not been cooperative, or a very good listener, but...but Kaidan did love him...maybe. When he remembered the way Kaidan had touched his face earlier he thought so, at least. And Kaidan certainly wasn't a liar. He just couldn't ignore the little voice in his head that always told him there was no way that Kaidan could ever love him.

Now, more than ever, he was broken, unloveable. The thought stung and he shoved it away, tugging the blankets tighter around himself and staring blankly out the window into the setting sun. He wanted to go after him, but the pain in his legs told him that was out of the question, even his arm hurt slightly from all the weight he'd put on it through the crutch.

Kaidan had adjusted the crutch. He'd noticed that it was half an inch too short and fixed it before they'd started the walking again.

Joshua clenched his teeth, trying to focus on something outside the window but finding nothing and falling into his poisonous thoughts again.

Only ten seconds later and he was already wondering if Kaidan would come back again. He tried to take a deep breath, but it hitched. It wasn't Horizon, he told himself, it was a small argument. Couples argued, Tali and Garrus, and Gabby and Kenneth did it _all the time_. But he'd been dancing around Kaidan since the day he'd been pulled out to the Presidium by him to have sandwiches and beer.

Every little flare up, every little disagreement, avoided or dismantled. Because he was afraid that either Kaidan would leave, or he'd find himself in another situation where Kaidan's gun was pointed at him. He was certain that his ability to talk Kaidan down at that time had been a fluke. He didn't know if his heart could take staring down the barrel of Kaidan's weapon again, if he'd even bother trying to live through it.

He shook his head, trying to clear it, and tugged the blankets up again even though they were are far as they could go.

Patient. He _had_ to be patient. Kaidan would come back and they'd argue, or they'd make up, and he'd apologise for being a terrible patient and terrible at expressing himself...maybe.


	15. Outside

That had been a really _bad_ decision, Kaidan concluded as he sat over a cold cup of coffee in the small coffee shop across from the hospital. He hadn't gotten very far, only as far as the shop before he'd decided he had gone far enough. At least _that_  had been the right decision. He'd been prepared to go back to his apartment, spend the night brooding and being frustrated. 

Walking out of Joshua's room? Bad. Very bad, in fact.

He'd been so upset when Heather had insisted on giving Joshua clearance to walk around despite his less than stellar behaviour. So upset that he'd moved on to being frustrated with Joshua's stubbornness with Dr. Wakeham, and realising that Joshua had been essentially sabotaging his own recovery had made it worse.

At the time all he had seen was his own frustration, but now he looked back and saw Joshua, feeling small and obviously thinking strongly about _something_ , shutting down because Kaidan had demanded answers from him again.

Now it was three hours later and his coffee had been cold for two. He'd sent some important messages away, checked up on the rebuilding efforts in more rural cities which had been taking longer to build, and watched the Galactic News which had started up again a few weeks prior. Now he felt guilty.

No matter how frustrated he felt, he should not have walked out on Joshua. Joshua was off balance and feeling vulnerable and, as Heather pointed out, he wasn't exactly used to taking orders. Uh, yeah, and he'd been jealous of Heather too.

He felt badly and didn't want to walk back into Joshua's room to Joshua apologising or needing to apologise himself. So he'd sent off a communication to Miranda which had essentially said 'help'. In the silence which followed, he worried.

Self esteem, he was quickly realising, Joshua had none of. All his bravado over the years had been followed up with 'I couldn't do it without help' and deflecting compliments to his team. He'd been a never-ending well of praise for those around him. He'd never let anyone return the favour.

Kaidan felt like someone who had kicked a puppy, but not just any puppy, an injured puppy.

His omnitool beeped. He opened the message.

_'Eleven days. Impressive.'_

Kaidan blinked at it. His omnitool beeped again.

_'Give me five minutes.'_

The relief he felt was palpable. He hadn't actually expected much from her. She was his lover's doctor, not much more than a tentative friend. She hadn't scolded him either, which he _had_ expected.

And so, five minutes later after he'd refreshed his coffee, he also didn't expect to see Joshua slowly limping his way across the road with Miranda and his crutch as support.

Kaidan stood up from his chair. When he'd sat in it several hours before he'd thought it was uncomfortable, but now he realised how comfortable it was.

Miranda looked up from watching Joshua's legs for a moment to smile triumphantly at him through the window. He noted, with great pride, that Joshua wasn't really using Miranda as support at all. Then he felt apprehension grip him as they came to the other side of the street.

What was he supposed to say to him?

When they got to the door of the shop, however, Kaidan went over to greet them anyways (How could he not?) and Joshua gave him the most brilliant smile he'd ever seen.

“Did you see?” Joshua asked excitedly. He sounded so _happy_.

He heard one of the female baristas whisper, “Oh my _god_ it's Commander Shepard,” to her coworker.

Kaidan felt a possessiveness similar to the night when he'd kissed Joshua in front of the Alliance soldiers in London grip him tightly. So, he wrapped an arm around behind Joshua's head as Miranda walked past them and pulled him into a heavily heated kiss. Joshua, surprised for only a very short moment, returned the kiss with a desperation that made his heart hurt, and gripped his arm with his free hand.

The chattering behind them went silent, but Kaidan wasn't certain if it was them or Miranda who had caused it.

When he pulled away there was an apology in Joshua's eyes.

Kaidan smiled reassuringly at him. “Yeah, I saw,” he said, noticing the tremor which had started in Joshau's hands. Unsure whether it was from the effort of standing for so long or something else, Kaidan guided him back to the armchair he'd been sitting in. Joshua leaned much more heavily on him than he had on Miranda, so Kaidan wrapped an arm around Joshua's waist for better support.

“I'm sorry,” Joshua whispered as he moved closer. He was, Kaidan could tell, he could practically feel it. He helped Joshua ease back into the chair then turned to sit across from him on the other of the four chairs around the table, but Joshua grabbed his arm in a death grip and he turned back.

Joshua himself looked surprised at his own action, staring at his hand like it had grown its own head and then pulling it back before clasping it with the other tightly over his lap. Kaidan watched him for a moment, trying to judge the movement.

“Yeah I know, I am too,” he replied finally. Okay, apologising wasn't so hard. Joshua, however, just looked up at him with a frown on his face.

“You didn't do anything,” he said stubbornly. “Go sit...over there.” He tried to sound self assured, but the hesitation and the waving him off with a hand which he promptly tucked away again did him no credit. Kaidan instead pulled the chair closest to Joshua closer and sat in that. The relief on Joshua's face was clear, his posture visibly relaxing.

And, as if he couldn't help himself, Joshua reached out and took the hand which Kaidan had let rest on the armrest closest to him. Kaidan looked at him, Joshua stared at his knees as he stretched his calves by pointing his toes upwards like the doctor had told him to. Kaidan sighed.

“Joshua--”

“Joshua how do you take your coffee?” Miranda asked from the counter. Apparently she'd finished terrifying the three girls behind the counter and was now going to patronise them.

“Two cream,” he heard himself say, before Joshua could. Joshua looked up at him and their eyes met briefly.

“Do you need anything, Kaidan?” Miranda asked and Kaidan shook his head.

“I'm good, thanks,” he replied, watching as Miranda turned to speak to the baristas behind the counter again. He reached forward to grab his own mug and took a short drink as Miranda wandered over, sitting in the chair Kaidan had meant to sit in. He set his mug back down again.

The baristas, previously stationary and probably frozen scared, suddenly switched into a flurry of movement as they went to do Miranda's bidding. Kaidan glanced around, glad they were the only ones in the coffee shop.

“I'll have you know he was already heading down the hallway when I got there,” Miranda told him, gaze flicking to Joshua, who blushed an attractive shade of pink and tried to pull his hand away. Kaidan squeezed it tighter and Joshua shuffled a little farther into the corner of the chair, closer rather than away.

“Was he?” he asked, feeling amused. He'd felt bad, thinking he'd left Joshua with no way to come after him, but apparently he'd tried anyways. There was something very _Joshua Shepard_ about that.

“Yes. He had no idea where you were though, so I'm not sure where he was going,” Miranda explained, crossing one leg over the other.

Joshua grumbled something, still that shade of pink, but one of the baristas had come over carrying mugs. She was staring openly at Joshua. Kaidan felt the beginnings of possessiveness, but Joshua squeezed his hand suddenly and he was pulled out of it. He watched as Joshua gave the fidgeting girl an easy smile.

“Y-your coffee...Commander Shepard.” The girl said, setting Joshua's cup in front of him.

Joshua nodded, “Thanks.” he said evenly, glancing uncertainly between Kaidan and the girl when she didn't move.

Miranda cleared her throat and the girl swung around a little too quickly to give Miranda what looked like a latte, she ended up spilling some as she set it down. She covered her mouth as she straightened and Miranda fixed her with a look of extreme displeasure and a raised eyebrow.

“S-Sorry!” she squeaked. “I'll get napkins!” Then she ran off, covering her face.

“Miranda...” Joshua scolded, shaking his head. Miranda had a...scary habit of portraying her feelings with only a look, he wasn't surprised the girl had panicked and run away. Kaidan watched as the two girls behind the counter tried to comfort the other girl, who looked like she'd started crying.

“What?” Miranda asked, looking at Joshua with the same raised brow but none of the displeasure. “If you're going to do a job do it right.”

“It's coffee.” Joshua shook his head, looking at the girls behind the counter and seeming like he wanted to say something.

While Joshua looked guilty, Kaidan felt an overwhelming sense of pride. Ten months ago, and still in some places, this sort of thing would have been impossible. Sitting in a coffee shop with the three girls in their early twenties, possibly late teens, upset about embarrassing themselves with a guy. That the guy was Joshua wasn't really the point. They'd _earned_ this...this peaceful easy interaction.

A different girl brought over the napkins.

“Hey,” Joshua touched the new girl's arm as she set about mopping up the honestly minimal mess the other girl had made. “Tell your friend not to worry about it.” He looked at Miranda sternly. “It's just _coffee_.”

Miranda shrugged, clearly not interested in arguing with 'good-guy Shepard'. Kaidan wasn't sure arguing with him like this was possible, the only times anyone had ever done it he'd gone right ahead and done or said whatever he wanted anyways.

The new girl blushed lightly, glancing back at the door which the upset girl and the other had disappeared into. “Um...could I bring her here and have you tell her? You're like, her idol,” she asked. Kaidan was impressed with her openness.

He watched Joshua consider the question, brow furrowing for a moment as the thought. Joshua turned to him, looking like he was asking permission for something and Kaidan _knew_ that look. At least this time it didn't mean they'd be heading off to another star system one week out of their way. Kaidan smiled at him, nodding in the direction of the door.

Joshua turned to smile at the girl. “Can I go back there?” Kaidan hated that smile, he loved that smile, that smile was the reason girls fell all over themselves for him, and this one was no different. She immediately turned about three shades darker pink and clasped her hands together over her chest.

“Oh, would you? That would be great! Oh...but your leg...”

Joshua brushed it off, giving Kaidan's hand another squeeze before seizing up his crutch and pushing himself with a groan to his feet. Kaidan got up as well, going behind their chairs so that he could be on Joshua's other side.

“As long as Kaidan can come too,” Joshua said, putting his arm over Kaidan's shoulders and leaning against him. He was getting tired, Kaidan noticed, putting weight on both the crutch and his shoulders. The girl smiled knowingly.

“Of course.” She turned to lead them around the counter as Joshua told Miranda to _stay where she was_ and followed.

“Don't push yourself too hard,” Kaidan warned, his arm found it's way around Joshua's waist.

“I know, I'll just rest tomorrow I promise,” Joshua muttered back. The girl threw them an apologetic glance over her shoulder as she pushed the door open and held it open for them.

“Hey Natalie!” she called gleefully. The third girl, who they hadn't spoken to yet, came around a shelf, it was apparently the stockroom.

“She's _so_ upset Beth, she...oh,” she paused upon seeing Joshua and Kaidan in the doorway. Kaidan could hear quiet sniffling. The new girl grinned. Joshua shifted so he was putting more weight on Kaidan. “Oh you poor thing,” the girl cooed, “Come in here and sit on the chair that Natalie's occupying.”

“What?!” came the watery, slightly panicked cry from behind the shelf. The girl, Natalie, appeared from behind the shelf, wiping her eyes with a napkin, “Oh...” she looked wide-eyed at Joshua, who smiled back at her. “Oh I'm so sorry, h-here!” She tugged the chair, a bar stool, out around the shelf and offered it. It was a testament to how tired he was that Joshua took the seat without argument. Kaidan stood behind him, hands on his shoulders.

Now they were in the back room of a coffee shop with three girls watching them. Joshua seemed to consider his thoughts for a moment, stretching his calf as he did so.

“I just wanted to tell you...Natalie,” he looked to the other girls for confirmation on the name and they nodded so he continued, “that the spill was no big deal.”

Natalie's eyes filled with tears again and she hid her eyes in the napkin as she hiccoughed.

“I just...I just always thought you were so amazing and then I thought you _died_ after the war and I just wanted to thank you _so_ much and I screwed it up!” She sobbed.

Joshua shrugged, though Natalie couldn't see it. “I screw up too,” he said matter-of-factly. He rested his head back against Kaidan's stomach, Kaidan began rubbing shallow circles in Joshua's back with his thumbs.

“No you don't,” the girl muttered. _Someone_ must have missed the media circus which had followed Joshua turning himself and the Normandy in to custody after the Collectors, because most people tried to hold that against him.

“Yes I do,” Joshua said, and Kaidan could hear the confusion creeping into his voice at the very thought that he didn't. The girl giggled, wiping her eyes with the napkin again.

“See then, Nat?” the girl who had led them in, Beth, wrapped an encouraging arm around her friend's shoulders and squeezed. Natalie smiled, despite her tears, and nodded.

“I...I totally can't believe you just walked through our _door_ ,” Natalie said softly, sounding much calmer.

“ _I_ totally can't believe you just walked through our door and then practically made out with a really hot dude,” the third girl stated calmly, inspecting her nails and raising an eyebrow at him and looking right past Joshua.

“Indrani!” both of the others cried, staring with open horror at their friend. Joshua's expression wasn't visible from Kaidan's location, but his hand came up to cover his and squeezed tightly. Kaidan was worried he was hurting Joshua's shoulder with his own hand because of how hard Joshua squeezed.

“What?” Indrani asked, looking completely unphased, she dropped the hand she'd been inspecting and rolled her eyes. “He was in here for like three hours _before_ Commander Shepard walked through the door,” she said, as if that explained anything.

“ _He_ has a name,” Beth scolded, glancing at him. “Kaidan?” He nodded. Natalie's eyes lit up all over again.

“Oh, oh my god, wait, Kaidan... _Alenko_?”

And how the hell did this random girl know _his_ name? Joshua's grip in his hand relaxed a fraction.

“One and the same,” Joshua said, looking up at him with a cheeky grin on his face. He was probably proud of himself for deflecting some of the attention from himself.

“You helped defeat that turian spectre!” she exclaimed. “And you're both...” She pointed between the two of them. Joshua looked back at her as she did so, his hand dropping back to his lap. Kaidan tilted his head slightly. “That's great.” She smiled. “I was so worried you'd been fighting the war all alone.”

Indrani rolled her eyes again, “She really was.”

“Worried?” Joshua asked incredulously. “No I had a whole team, the Alliance, the krogan, turians, asari...salarians, lots of other people, I wasn't alone.”

“No I meant...” Natalie glanced between Joshua and Kaidan. “I just couldn't imagine one person doing all you did...alone.” She fidgeted slightly, and Joshua apparently caught on. He shrugged.

“I didn't do much.”

That was apparently not how any of the girls felt, or probably any other person who paid any attention to news vids. The all cried, “What?!” at the same moment and even Indrani, previously impervious, looked distressed.

“We were sitting here at home, with no communication from the outside whatsoever and all we knew was that Commander Shepard was out there, trying to unite the galaxy and stop...stop those _things_ from taking over!” Beth exclaimed.

“There's no way that many aliens all just piled into the Sol system for fun,” Indrani added.

“Especially not the turians _and_ the krogan at the same time,” Natalie nodded affirmatively, and the other two girls nodded as well, fixing Joshua with looks that dared him to argue. Kaidan would have said that the recent news had painted Joshua as a hero, but it had nothing to do with paint. He was pretty sure that every being in the galaxy knew that to some extent, except maybe Joshua himself.

“My dad got indoctrinated,” Indrani announced suddenly, and both Joshua and Kaidan turned to look at her with a mix of horror and sympathy.

“I'm sorry,” Joshua said. Indrani stuck her chin out stubbornly.

“I'm not. He betrayed us, thought we could 'work with the reapers' and figure out what they wanted.”

Kaidan's lips tugged to one side, unsure if he could bring himself to tell her that was probably a part of the indoctrination itself.

“I almost did,” Beth muttered, scratching at the back of her head nervously. “I was starting to think...to wonder...” She shook her head. “Then there was that red light that came through the sky and it was gone.”

Kaidan felt Joshua tense under his hands, and he leaned forward to bump his forehead momentarily against the back of Joshua's head.

The girls were smart, the haunted looks which had started showing in their eyes melting away to something kind and understanding. Three girls who had lived through horrors unspeakable, Natalie had simply fallen silent and looked as if she would cry again, and one man who had rescued them from it.

“Just...thank you,” Natalie said finally, Indrani and Beth nodded.

That was it, the beginning of it at least, Kaidan wondered how many times more they'd be stuck in situations like this, people wanting to thank Joshua so much, Joshua having no idea how to accept gratitude.

Joshua began to look around the stock room, as if he was interested in the coffee, the powdered milk, the cups. Kaidan hoped he wouldn't deny their thanks again, he was pretty sure it would break their hearts.

And then Miranda strolled through the door, looking at a datapad. “Joshua when you're quite finished, your coffee is getting cold, your legs need _resting_ and we need to head back to the hospital room before someone realises I've let you out without getting 'explicit permission'.”

Natalie recoiled automatically, and Indrani fixed Miranda with a decidedly cold glare which probably could have rivalled Miranda's own. Miranda looked up at the scene before them, ignoring the girls entirely and raising an eyebrow at Joshua.

“Oh, yeah. We're not really supposed to be here.” Joshua chuckled nervously, though if it was from the prospect of being caught or because he'd just been rescued from a potentially awkward situation wasn't clear.

“I'll make you a fresh coffee,” Natalie volunteered. “You can take it with you.”

“Great,” Joshua agreed. “And Miranda can go get my wheelchair.”

Miranda frowned at him, “Can I?”

“Yep.” Joshua nodded. Miranda stared at him for a moment, and Kaidan could see her doing a mental check list, looking over his posture, checking his hip, looking at his legs.

“Fine,” she grumbled, turning around and right out the door again. Beth hid a giggle. Natalie looked at Kaidan.

“Was it two cream in his coffee?” she asked, and Kaidan nodded. Apparently she'd noticed his interjection earlier. “I'll go get it ready.” And she disappeared out the door.

“I'll go make sure there aren't other customers who we've all been ignoring for the past ten minutes,” Indrani announced, following her.

Beth watched them for a moment, looking concerned. “Are you...okay?” she asked Joshua, who looked up from the spot he'd been looking at on the floor.

“Hmm? Yeah, just tired.” Joshua nodded, and Kaidan could hear the exhaustion crawling into his voice, feel the slump of his shoulders as his body realised it had been working far too hard.

“Don't move then, you can stay here until that lady gets back, I'll go make sure Natalie doesn't drop your coffee all over the floor in her excitement.” Beth smiled at them each in turn and wandered out the door as well.

Joshua groaned softly as the door shut behind her, resting his head back against Kaidan's stomach again, his eyes closed.

“What was that about not pushing yourself?” Kaidan asked, looking down at him. Joshua's eyes snapped open and he looked up at him with way too much apology mixed with panic.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, I-I...” He grabbed Kaidan's wrist tightly. Kaidan's heart twisted. Joshua had misread his tone, he was tired too he realised and hadn't been able to keep the edge out of it.

“Hey, no, it's okay,” Kaidan reassured, massaging Joshua's hand with the one which he wasn't clamped down on.

“I knew you weren't going anywhere, I just...no matter how much I tell myself you're coming back I get this awful feeling.” Joshua swallowed, looked like he wanted to elaborate, glanced at the door realising someone could come through any second, and fell silent, his head drooping forward and his hand releasing Kaidan's wrist. He held his hands over his lap.

Kaidan looked down at him, thinking about how _he_ couldn't stop being jealous and possessive every time anyone so much as blinked at Joshua and wondering if it wasn't similar. Joshua's feeling left him desperate, scared. Kaidan's feeling left him angry, and depressed. He rounded the chair, set one hand over Joshua's hands and used the other to try and angle his chin back up so he could see his face. And Joshua _did_ look desperate and scared.

“I'm sorry,” Joshua muttered, looking to the side instead of looking Kaidan in the eye. “I'll try to listen better and I won't screw up that badly again. So...” When their eyes finally met Joshua took a sharp breath.

“So I won't go running off again. I'll _tell_ you where I'm going, and that I'm coming back,” Kaidan said, certain he was picking up what Joshua had left off. “And I'm _always_ coming back.”

Joshua nodded. Kaidan let go of his chin, leaning in to kiss his forehead instead. When he pulled away Joshua looked sadly in the direction of the door.

“Are they all going to be like that?” he asked quietly. It took a moment, but Kaidan realised he was talking about the girls now.

“Probably, yeah,” Kaidan said softly, running his fingers through Joshua's hair with one hand. Joshua shivered. Kaidan could see him, slowly coming up with ways to blame himself for the girls' states and not thinking about how he'd saved them from certain death and continued suffering. “Hey,” Kaidan called him out of it gently, Joshua turning back to look at him instead of at the door. “You walked further today than you have in _ten_ _months_.”

Joshua grinned, “Yeah, I definitely did.”

-o-

After many goodbyes, Natalie insisting they come back, and a slow careful walk back to the hospital room in which Joshua spent most of the trip dozing, Miranda bid them goodnight and to _behave_ or she'd start insisting Kaidan went home at night. They'd promised to behave, and Miranda never had to explain her cryptic message from earlier.

Joshua lay in his bed, which was propped up so he was almost sitting, barely able to keep his eyes open as Kaidan sat on the edge and ran his fingers through his bangs. He was definitely exhausted in more ways than one, but he seemed to be fighting sleep. Finally he groaned and took hold of Kaidan's hand in one hand, forcing it down to his chest, and rubbed his face with the other.

“I can definitely start listening to the physiotherapist,” he said, sleep still heavy in his voice. “But...but I don't think I can talk to Dr. Wakeham.”

“Why not?” Kaidan asked gently, brushing his fingers over Joshua's chest instead. Joshua took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh, looking frustrated yet thoughtful as he paused to answer. He looked up at Kaidan looking equally as frustrated.

“I don't trust him. I won't trust him. He's Alliance hired, and I...and I know...” he dropped his gaze to the blanket, holding Kaidan's hand in both of his. “No I don't...I don't know if I can trust the Alliance. I...don't want to go back to jail from answering all of his questions.”

Kaidan looked blankly at Joshua as his brain worked to figure out what on Earth Joshua meant. He, first of all, couldn't understand why Joshua thought the Alliance wanted him in jail after he'd _saved the galaxy_ , and second of all couldn't figure out why he'd go back to jail anyways. But trust, he realised, was something Joshua gave out very rarely, and not very much of it at that.

The Alliance had probably lost his trust when Joshua had returned to earth, feeling he'd done something to protect the human race, and he'd been sent to jail for it. Or, maybe, when he'd asked how to contact Kaidan and they'd told him they wouldn't tell him. Or even when they had sent him to fight geth in the terminus system instead of trying to prepare for the Reapers, like putting a child in time out.

Kaidan had once told Joshua he would always be an Alliance soldier, and hearing Joshua say he didn't trust the Alliance wasn't easy. But Joshua's grip on his hand increased slightly as Kaidan hesitated to answer, even as Joshua's gaze stayed glued to the blanket. Kaidan could see the tell tale signs of Joshua's anxiety spiking, his shoulders tensing, the way he swallowed thickly, how he frowned and clenched his teeth.

Joshua, he realised, was on the other side of that conversation, even as he was thinking about it.

“Are you worried about the questions he asked you about Cerberus?” he asked. Joshua's grip increased, and then relaxed entirely, he put Kaidan's hand down on the blanket beside him and gripped his own hands together tightly on his lap. That was the answer, clear and simple.

“I'd like...to pretend that year didn't happen,” Joshua muttered, sitting up straighter only to hunch forward slightly.

“But it did happen,” Kaidan pointed out, trying to keep his tone and expression neutral.

“Yeah, and I spent every second and minute trying to reason with myself and come up with excuses for others as to _how_ what I was doing was right, and six months later they turned their back on the entirety of humanity and tried to kill us,” Joshua spat bitterly, then looked up in shock at his own tone, his eyes meeting Kaidan's. His expression softened slightly. “Kaidan I was _wrong_. I sided with humanity's greatest enemy, it's own damn hubris. I sided with terrorists, torturers, murderers...”

Kaidan sighed. “You stopped the collectors.”

 _Look_ , he thought to himself almost two years ago. _He takes everything you said to heart and blames himself with it. He takes you to Mars to try and stop the Reapers and you still don't trust him, even when he begs you to._

Joshua shook his head, looking away again and into the blinds even though they were closed with only cracks showing the city beyond them. “I should have found another way.”

Kaidan wasn't sure what Joshua needed then, he was tempted to grab his hands which he was clenching together so tightly his fingers were turning red. Sometimes though, he knew, Joshua just needed the subject changed before he got in too deep.

“You wouldn't have met Miranda,” he tried, getting a shrug from Joshua. “You wouldn't have become such good friends with Garrus.” Joshua sighed, shaking his head slightly. “You wouldn't have met the drell either.”

“Thane.”

Kaidan's brows went up in surprise at the speed of Joshua's reply, apparently that had hit a nerve, but Joshua seemed to consider it so Kaidan pressed forward.

“Or the salarian doctor,” Kaidan added.

“Mordin.” Joshua nodded slowly, swinging his gaze back towards Kaidan with a look that asked him whether he was walking into a trap. “If anything good came out of working with Cerberus, I suppose it was...my friends.”

“So, maybe it was the best action at the time,” Kaidan concluded. Joshua frowned at him, watching him through narrowed eyes for a moment before turning back to the window and shrugging dismissively.

“I don't want to talk about it with some...stranger.”

“Alright.” Kaidan sighed, shifting further onto the bed and moving so he could sit beside Joshua and rest an arm over his shoulders, pulling him closer. Joshua let his head fall on Kaidan's shoulder. “Who are you going to talk to instead?”

“I don't know,” he admitted, sighing as well and closing his eyes as he shifted to drape an arm over Kaidan's chest.

“Do you trust anyone enough to actually talk to them like you're supposed to?” Kaidan asked, honestly curious. There was a pause, Joshua's breath evening out to the point that Kaidan thought he'd fallen asleep.

“No.” he answered finally. “Sorry.”

Kaidan shook his head. “Keeping the galaxy's secrets is a tough job.”

“Yeah,” Joshua agreed softly, sighing and sitting up again. Kaidan watched as he stretched over the edge of his side of the bed, and felt the bed lower as he found the button to adjust it.

“We have to figure out something, you can't just keep it all to yourself.” Kaidan told him as he resituated himself. Kaidan rested his hand over Joshua's head as he curled against him.

“Why not?” Joshua asked, a whine in his voice that would have been cute if the conversation hadn't been serious.

“Because you keep waking up from nightmares, and...that panic you went into the other day in the shower,” Kaidan said softly, but predictably Joshua stiffened anyway and Kaidan could feel the hand over his chest start to tremble. He hushed him softly, taking hold of his hand and hoping to head off where ever he was going before he got there. “Joshua,” he called gently.

“Mmhm?” Joshua asked back, voice as strained as his body.

“Just stay here, you're okay,” he whispered, turning to kiss Joshua's temple. Joshua slung a leg over Kaidan's, curling it around and pulling slightly like he was trying to get closer.

Joshua took a stuttering breath. “There's so many dead bodies...” And Kaidan had _no_ idea what that meant, but Joshua's voice had gone up an octave and he was gripping his hand so tightly it hurt. It was like he was having a nightmare while awake.

Kaidan took a deep breath, fighting for calm, because if he had to be the one to pull Joshua out of whatever he was seeing, if the only person Joshua trusted enough to really feel things was him, he was going to fight like hell until he beat it.

With great effort he tugged out of Joshua's death hold, rolling so he was leaning over him with an elbow placed on either side of his neck, and a knee on either side of his thighs.

“Hey,” he said as sternly as he could manage without sounding angry. He could see the dazed look in Joshua's eyes start to clear. “I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere. I need you to breathe for me.” He hoped that if he switched the focus to himself Joshua would relax at bit, and as Joshua took in a sharp breath he thought it might be working.

“Everything _burns,_ ” Joshua whimpered, gripping Kaidan's bicep tightly. He pressed his forehead to Joshua's, closing his eyes and willing his calm into him.

“You don't need to think about that right now.” he muttered, Joshua's grip increased slightly.

“I have to,” Joshua insisted.

“Why?” he asked.

“Because I don't remember what happens.”

Kaidan swallowed thickly. So it was the Citadel. Part of him wanted to know, part of him wanted to understand the choice Joshua had made that day, why he'd done what he'd done, destroyed the geth, disabled Edi, left without wanting to come back, but part of him knew without a fraction of a doubt that sending Joshua into that would be pure torture for him.

He knew that captain Anderson had died up on the Citadel, he'd noticed that Joshua had a serious aversion to firearms and talk of them since he'd woken up, and he knew that the shot which had killed Anderson was from a military grade weapon. He'd also noticed Joshua's inability to speak of Anderson since he'd woken up. He didn't need to know what had happened, if it meant sending Joshua through something he'd been so desperate to forget that he'd blocked it out.

“That's alright,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to Joshua's forehead. “Just come back right now, you've had a long day, you need to sleep.” Joshua took several short breaths. “Deep breaths love.” Kaidan really hoped this worked, he hadn't meant to send Joshua into a panic at all.

Joshua took a deep breath. “Kaidan,” his voice broke.

“Right here,” he reassured, as he felt Joshua's arms go up and around his middle, trying to pull him closer. Kaidan let him, making sure most of his weight was on his elbows and not on Joshua.

For several minutes they sat in silence, Joshua breathing deeply but heavily into his ear and holding on to him tightly. Slowly his breathing regulated again, his hold becoming less desperate.

“You're safe,” Kaidan muttered finally.

“I know,” Joshua agreed softly, resting his head against Kaidan's. “Can we turn off the light?” he asked, voice sleepy again. Kaidan pulled back enough so he could see Joshua's face. His eyes looked heavy, his expression so clouded with sleep it was unreadable.

“Alright, can I get up?” Kaidan asked. Joshua considered it for a moment, then released him.

“Sure.”

As Kaidan got off of the bed, moving to press the switch which shut off the light, he watched Joshua for distress, but he seemed to be okay. When he got back onto the bed Joshua rolled over to face him, and wrapped his arm around his waist as soon as he lay back down.

“I love you. I couldn't live without you,” Joshua whispered as Kaidan lay his head on the pillow, their noses centimetres apart. The statement hurt slightly, because he already knew there was truth to it.

“I love you too...and you don't have to,” Kaidan assured softly, running his thumb over Joshua's cheek gently.

Joshua nodded slowly, his eyelids sliding shut. “M'so tired,” he complained softly.

“Then sleep, Joshua.”

Joshua nodded again. “'Kay,” he muttered, making himself a bit more comfortable before tugging Kaidan closer, and then promptly falling to sleep.


	16. Slow Moving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm planning to spend the next little while fixing continuity, reading over, and editing the story. Updates may be a bit slower while I mess around.

Joshua came awake slowly and fuzzily the next morning. Everything ached, he didn't even have to move to know it. He was glad that the day had little in store for him besides meals and a check up which Miranda had suddenly insisted on. He was dreading the therapy appointment that afternoon, but he couldn't bring himself to think about it right then.

He could feel Kaidan, warm and solid against his back. He felt safe, knew he was.

He'd felt really stupid the day before when he'd started feeling panicked and alone after Kaidan had been gone for an hour. He'd felt even more stupid when Kaidan had gone to sit _across_ from him and he'd reached out and grabbed him. He'd never felt this way, never had something so dear that his body reacted when he thought it (or he) was leaving.

Losing everything on Mindoir and then again on Akuze had taught him that _needing_ things was a bad idea. Having things and wanting them was inevitable, but really needing them was...dangerous. He'd been able to trick himself, for the most part, into thinking that needing friends and allies was a temporary thing. He'd been doomed with Kaidan from the start, he realised, having wanted him so much that it turned into need.

He didn't regret it, he was pretty sure he'd be a vegetable or a husk (either literally or figuratively) without him. Kaidan gave him something to fight for.

Joshua took Kaidan's hand, which was splayed over his chest, his arm around Joshua's waist. Kaidan stirred.

“You okay?” Kaidan asked sleepily. Joshua cuddled back against him, warm.

“Mmhm.” Joshua answered, closing his eyes, “Just trying to...get closer I guess.” When Kaidan chuckled Joshua could feel it reverberate through his chest.

“Alright.”

Joshua felt a kiss against his neck, and Kaidan's arm slipped between his side and the bed. Both of Kaidan's arms circled him, hands resting on his chest.

“I love you.” Joshua muttered, ashamed by the desperation in his tone. But he'd dreamt of Horizon again, just without the waking up and screaming part. Kaidan just kissed his head and shifted slightly so that he was on his back. Joshua rested back on his chest, his head on Kaidan's shoulder.

“I love you too.” Kaidan replied sleepily. Joshua wondered if Kaidan was going to fall asleep again, and would have been contented with it, but Kaidan squeezed him and took a sharp waking breath, “You hungry?”

“No.” Joshua admitted, “I...actually feel sort of sick...everything hurts.”

“Ah. You really pushed yourself too hard.” Kaidan muttered into his ear. He must have tensed or something, because Kaidan quickly added, “But what you did for those girls was the right thing.”

Joshua wasn't so sure. The one girl, Natalie, had absolutely idolised him, while Beth had tried to maintain a respectful distance, and Indrani had tried to remain aloof, but when talk had turned to whether or not he was a hero...they'd become extremely defensive, like they _needed_ him to be a hero. It was like he'd found three female, not crazy, Conrad Verners, and he'd got Conrad Verner killed eventually.

“Is the Alliance really making me look like that?” he asked.

“Joshua...” Kaidan sighed, “They're not making you look like anything.” Kaidan sounded disappointed, but Joshua couldn't figure out why.

“Then why were those girls all...starstruck?”

“Most people are just starstruck by you.” Kaidan replied, he tucked his chin over Joshua's shoulder, “Even I am sometimes.”

Joshua frowned, trying to turn so he could see Kaidan's face, but not quite getting there. “Why?”

“Because,” Kaidan began and then paused, like was considering his answer carefully, “You're Commander Shepard, the first official human Spectre, you defeated Saren, the collectors, the reapers, united the galaxy, saved Earth, all while helping as many people as you could and making choices which saved far more than most people would have.”

“Someone else could have done it better.” Joshua mumbled, closing his eyes and trying to forget all of the choices, the lives counting on him, the consequences. How was he a hero if he was sitting in a hospital doing nothing?

For a moment they sat in silence, Kaidan apparently not willing to argue his point further.

“Would someone else have gone back for me on Virmire?” Kaidan asked. Joshua sat up, right out of Kaidan's hold and turned to look down at him. He frowned, watching him, searching for a different meaning behind the question. That decision, of all of them, had been too easy, he was still ashamed of it. “Would someone else _love me_ like you have?” Kaidan continued, looking at him determinedly, “Because, I'm not sure anyone else would save the galaxy for my sake.”

Joshua stared at Kaidan. When had he figured that out? Why wasn't he mad about it? It wasn't new, Kaidan seemed so comfortable with the thought.

“W-Well I...”

Kaidan sat up as well, hand falling gently on his shoulder. “It's selfish, but I wouldn't want it to _be_ anyone else.” Kaidan admitted. Joshua was still stuck on Kaidan _knowing._

“How...”

“A certain turian gave me a rough awakening when we were on our way home from the jungle world.” Kaidan explained, his expression blank, though it looked like it took great effort. He noticed Kaidan's lip twitch down a fraction.

“Oh.” Joshua continued to watched him, stretching out his legs so they were straighter. They ached.

He didn't know very much about what had happened on the Normandy between sending it off with Kaidan and Garrus safely on board and it's return from a crash in a different star system. Now, however, Kaidan was staring off into space and looking both reminiscent and like he was in pain.

Joshua wondered again, as Kaidan's hand dropped off of his shoulder, about those nightmares Kaidan had mentioned.

“Did you have communications with the Alliance?” Joshua asked, watching as Kaidan's eyes flicked to him and then back to nothing.

“No, we didn't.”

Two and two were not hard to add together. The Normandy, crashed on a planet without communications after a massive weapon was fired (by him), and Garrus sharing something he'd sworn not to tell anyone, after an emotional night of drinking had brought it forth, with the one person he least wanted the information shared with.

“Did you think I was dead?” Joshua asked cautiously. His heart broke from the look Kaidan gave him. The hand which had been on his shoulder before came up to brush at the hair on his temples gently, Joshua leaned in to the touch.

“Yeah,” Kaidan replied roughly, his eyes bright, “we did, we all did.”

“I'm so sorry.” Joshua said softly, holding Kaidan's hand to his face. He _was_ sorry, sorry that he'd hadn't planned to return, that he'd left Kaidan with false promises, that he hadn't believed Kaidan needed him just as much as he needed Kaidan.

Kaidan looked ready to argue, but he paused, realisation dawning in his eyes, and he brushed at Joshua's temple again.

“You're here now.” he said, “It was the hardest two weeks of my life, and I never want to do it again.”

“I won't do it to you again, I promise.” In a move he wasn't sure if he'd regret, he reached forward to cup Kaidan's cheek, “No matter what happens, I'll always love you, and I'll _always_ be with you.”

Kaidan took a sharp breath, “Joshua _please_ ,” he begged. Not knowing exactly what Kaidan was asking for, Joshua just tugged him forward into a heated kiss. The kiss he'd meant to give him that day, but had backed out of, the kiss he'd meant to convey everything. Kaidan's arms came around his neck, resting on his shoulders. His hands slipped under Kaidan's shirt, resting at his hip and back, but going no further, just enjoying the warmth.

He watched as Kaidan broke the kiss and shifted forward, to rest his forehead on his shoulder. Joshua tightened his hold on Kaidan with one arm, brushing his fingers over his side with the other.

Good, he thought. If he could dispel some of Kaidan's nightmares, specifically those he'd caused, maybe Kaidan would feel less threatened by other people talking to him, maybe he'd smile easier and worry less. Maybe, he was pretty sure that worrying was Kaidan's main modus operandi.

Joshua chuckled, the sound bubbling out before he could stop it. Kaidan tensed, but didn't pull away from his spot curled into Joshua's shoulder.

“What?” he asked defensively.

“It's funny.” Joshua replied, slipping his other arm around Kaidan and pulling him closer, “We're both _so_ afraid of the other leaving.”

Kaidan didn't reply, just lifted his head slightly so he could kiss Joshua's shoulder, and then rested his forehead on it again. He seemed to be contemplating the thought, as was Joshua.

They both certainly had reason for it. Neither had come out of the war without the other leaving at some point. The obvious difference was that Kaidan had willingly left once, almost twice, and _he_ had died once, then almost died willingly a second time, not to mention the countless times he'd done other things to get himself killed. Joshua's leaving was more...permanent to be sure.

“How can I make you feel that I'll never go anywhere?” he asked, nudging Kaidan gently with his chin. Kaidan chuckled, _bitterly_ which put Joshua on edge, and pulled away to look him in the eye.

“There's no point, you wouldn't even hear it.” Yup, he definitely sounded bitter.

Joshua was confused, “You don't know that!” he retorted defensively.

“When I asked you on the Normandy you ignored me completely.”

“Wh--”

“'Stop doing things which endanger your life'...”

Oh, Joshua remembered, _that_ conversation. He _had_ completely ignored him. Lying in the medbay with an oxygen mask on because he'd decided to go deep sea diving in an ancient mech.

“Or stop involving you when I do.” Joshua finished for him, taking hold of Kaidan's hand and tugging it against his chest, because Kaidan looked upset and he still couldn't get the sight of Kaidan walking through the door the night before out of his head.

Kaidan's expression, which had gone hard, softened as he squeezed Joshua's hand gently. “It's okay,” he reassured, “It was just frustrating.”

Joshua's gaze fell. He flexed his legs, they ached.

“I was busy then...” he mumbled.

“Thessia had just fallen.” Kaidan added.

“Yeah...” he didn't want to think about Thessia. He looked back up cautiously, “Maybe you could try asking again?”

“Really?” Kaidan asked disbelievingly, “If I asked you to give up everything? I know you're being forced into retirement by the Alliance, but you'll go off and try to get your Spectre clearance again, don't look at me like that I know you. No more battling, or death defying, no more saving everyone everywhere? Could you do that?”

Kaidan did know him, far better than he'd thought when he'd first woken up. Joshua sighed, averting his gaze again. What would he do if he agreed? Be stuck on Earth forever, sitting in a rocking chair somewhere, doing nothing for the rest of his life? He pressed his lips together, looking up at Kaidan for help. To his surprise Kaidan didn't look angry, he looked _sad_.

When all of the events of the past four years had started he'd been exclusively Kaidan's, chasing after him, insisting he come along for everything. Every choice he had made with Kaidan in mind. Would it upset him? How would he react? Somehow he'd wormed his way into Kaidan's heart, died, and then his focus had changed entirely.

Commander Shepard had to do things for the galaxy, exist for the sake of existing, fight until he couldn't fight anymore. He'd tried too hard to meet that expectation, then he'd struggled to make the world where he loved and existed for Kaidan and the world where he existed for others mix.

If Kaidan had asked him to give up everything up before Saren, would he have done it?

Yes. Undoubtedly, the galaxy hadn't meant anything to him then. The wounds from Akuze still deep and he'd owed the Alliance nothing more for saving him from Mindoir. Kaidan was asking for him to give himself back to him.

He squeezed Kaidan's hand, afraid to let go.

Part of him _was_ desperate to give it all up, to stop being Commander Shepard. He was _tired_ , of the responsibility, the nightmares, the expectations. But, the other part wondered, then who would he be? Would he be Joshua Shepard? Who was that? Could Kaidan love Joshua Shepard? Did he want to find out?

“Joshua,” his vision cleared as Kaidan's voice brought him back from his thoughts, “I'm always going to worry about you. That's what I signed up for. I won't ask you to stop being who you are for my own comfort.” his hand rested over Joshua's chest. Joshua held his wrist tightly, noticing his hands had started shaking.

Joshua sighed. That was the problem. _Who_ was he? He fixed Kaidan with the most serious and steady look he could manage, “I'll try my damn well hardest not to worry you anymore Kaidan...I don't know if I _can_ give it all up, but I'll try anything for you.”

Kaidan seemed to consider it for a moment, fingers rubbing at Joshua's chest.

Joshua's stomach clenched. It wasn't enough to just try something, he had to do it. He never told anyone he would try, only that he would or wouldn't. Try was an excuse, a cop out.

But Kaidan smiled at him.

“Will you try something else for me, then?” he asked gently, shifting again and resting his legs over Joshua's. Joshua frowned slightly, nodding cautiously. “Be a burden on me, and come live with me when this is over.”

Joshua chewed on his lips for a moment. Besides sharing a bed they _had_ been living together for the better part of the year before defeating the reapers _and_ for a year before defeating Saren. In all honesty it probably wouldn't be much different than what they were already doing.

He liked this. This was Kaidan within his reach and learning to trust him, this was telling Kaidan things he'd always wanted to and realising that he actually wanted to hear them. He had nowhere else to go, his homes of the last four years consisting of a jail cell, a now blown up apartment, and two starships of the same name.

Without waiting for an answer Kaidan leaned in and kissed him gently on the mouth. Joshua recognised insecurity, realising he'd already denied this request several nights prior, but having no idea as to why.

“Yeah,” he said, when Kaidan had pulled away and begun regarding him guardedly. Joshua recognised it as a gentler variation of the one on Horizon. Scared, worried, defensive. Scared...he'd made Kaidan _his_ everything, so maybe... “I'd like...no, I'd love that.”

The surge in which Kaidan kissed him pushed him onto his back, with Kaidan on top of him and straddling his hips. His head was just over the edge, his legs dangling off the other side. Lying diagonal on the bed.

He was alright with the enthusiasm until he felt Kaidan move to kiss his neck, one of his hands under his shirt with his fingers flat over his belly. He felt panic rise in his gut, his whole body tensed as if fighting an invasion. He pushed Kaidan away with much more force than he'd meant to.

“No stop.” he gasped, then was shocked by his own reaction. He sat up as Kaidan knelt between his legs. “I'm sorry I--” When Kaidan then moved to shuffle further away, Joshua grabbed for his arm. What the _fuck_ did he want? But, even as he was having some sort of strange battle with himself, Kaidan looked completely calm, not even the slightest bit insulted.

“Joshua, shh.” Gently he was pulled against Kaidan's chest, and that was good, that was safe, Kaidan's arm around him, the other holding his head against his heartbeat. “I'm sorry, I got too carried away there, don't apologise, it was all me.”

But Joshua didn't understand why Kaidan was apologising, _he'd_ been the one to get things all tense and then...

Kaidan began petting his hair gently. The panic which had knotted in his stomach eased.

“What the hell is wrong with me?” he asked softly, listening to Kaidan's heart beating steadily in his chest.

“Nothing,” Kaidan replied, “You're healing.”

-o-

“Can I have my omnitool back?” Joshua asked, after lunch when Kaidan had convinced him to at least eat a sandwich. He grinned as he said it, looking over at Kaidan who was typing into his own omnitool while sitting in the chair which had replaced the squeaky cot.

“I don't think that's a good idea, Joshua.” Kaidan replied without looking up. Something important then. Joshua pouted even though Kaidan couldn't see it, staring at the foot of his bed.

“I won't use it to do anything normal people do with them.” he grumbled. Kaidan paused, putting the omnitool on the side table and shifting froward with his hands on his knees, looking at Joshua as he did so.

“Then what _would_ you use it for?” Kaidan asked.

“I dunno.” Joshua shrugged, “Check the time in turian space, calculate the time without faster than light travel it would take to get from here to Omega...” He glanced over at Kaidan, whose lips were twisted in his half smile with an eyebrow raised.

“So you wouldn't use it to watch vids and try to contact the higher ups of various races so that you could agonise over _their_ rebuilding efforts too?” Kaidan asked. Joshua gave him a look of mock surprise.

“You can use an omnitool for that?” he asked, picking up the Normandy off of the other side table and turning it over in his hands, “I had no idea.” He stared at the model in his hands, like it was the model's fault that his independence had been taken away as if he was incarcerated again.

Kaidan sighed, “I'll talk to Miranda about it.”

“Goodie.” Joshua grumbled.

“Joshua...” Kaidan sounded mildly frustrated. Kaidan was looking out for his best interests, he knew that. It wasn't Kaidan's fault, he knew that too. He turned to give Kaidan an affectionate smile, and when he got one back he felt decidedly triumphant.

He still wasn't sure how Kaidan could love him so much, but now that he'd stopped seeing every smile as a loan and every question as an argument in disguise he was starting to enjoy it. His felt great warmth bloom in his chest. It was easier to love Kaidan when he wasn't trying so hard to prove to himself that Kaidan didn't love him too.

“You're beautiful, and I'm damn lucky to have you.” he muttered, caught up in the moment, then felt his cheeks colour at the look of surprise Kaidan gave him. He grinned sheepishly and then looked away, thoroughly embarrassed with himself. He heard Kaidan shifting, felt an arm snake around his shoulders and pull him closer, a kiss on his temple.

“The feeling is mutual.” Kaidan whispered into his ear.

Feeling moderately less silly, Joshua shifted closer so that he could lean against Kaidan's shoulder. He still couldn't bring himself to look directly at Kaidan, because his cheeks were not any less red.

“Oh good,” he replied lightly, “It would really suck if you thought I was ugly and that you were forcibly glue to me or something.”

Kaidan chuckled, Joshua savoured the feeling of it.

The door slid open, and Joshua expected Kaidan to step away from him, but he didn't. He glanced over to the door to see Chakwas and Miranda coming through.

“Oh good.” Chakwas said, “Miranda had warned me you'd been at odds with each other, but you both look fine to me.”

“You still owe me fifty credits.” Miranda chimed from behind her as Chakwas came to a stop at the end of the bed. Miranda stopped on the other side. He vaguely wondered _why_ Chakwas owed Miranda fifty credits, but he couldn't even be bothered to lift his head off of Kaidan's shoulder. Chakwas smiled at the two of them affectionately.

“It's good to see you in one piece again Commander, and you too Major.” she nodded at both of them.

“I'm not commander of anything anymore doctor.” Joshua replied, shrugging one shoulder dispassionately.

Chakwas' smile didn't falter a fraction, “Joshua then.” she amended, completely unphased.

“I told Dr. Chakwas I would let her do your check up, since she's in dock with the Normandy for the next few days.” Miranda explained. Joshua lifted his head, shifting to sit up properly.

“Will Liara be my doctor next?” he asked with mock interest as he put the Normandy back down on the side table.

“Absolutely. I pride myself in making sure you never know who's coming through the door.” Miranda replied sarcastically. She was never one to put up with his bullshit. Chakwas, equally as intolerant of his bullshit, pulled out her omnitool.

“Well let's get this done then.” she said, and Joshua found himself smiling at her.

“What do I need to do?” he asked, as Kaidan sat back into his chair. Joshua automatically missed the contact.

“Nothing, I should get all the information I need from your cybernetics.” she explained, waving the omnitool to scan over his body. “It's actually quite convenient, usually...” Chakwas frowned as she spoke, presumably at the results of her scan.

Miranda pulled out her own tool and Chakwas forwarded her the information. Miranda's expression, less worried and more thoughtful, made Joshua feel a bit calmer. There was nothing like having doctors confounded by test results from his own body.

“What's wrong Karin?” Kaidan asked anxiously from his side, standing again.

“Not wrong per se.” Miranda said, “But his cybernetics are certainly stressed.” she fixed Joshua with a raised eyebrow, “Have you been walking marathons I didn't know about?”

Joshua returned her look.

“Oh yeah, at the same time I was using my omnitool, and making my own meals.” he retorted, and felt Kaidan grip his shoulder. A warning to behave. Miranda, on the other hand, was completely unphased.

“Good...” Miranda replied, ignoring his snark, “What do you think doctor?” she asked, turning to Chakwas.

“Heightened stress from the change in space and recovery.” Chakwas told Miranda, while she gave him an indulgent smile, “and obvious disdain for his conditions,” she put her omnitool away as she turned to Miranda, “I think he's just being a bad patient as usual and his cybernetics are still recovering from the burn out a few months ago.”

Both Miranda and Kaidan snorted. Joshua tossed a pouting glare at them both in turn, Kaidan squeezed his shoulder gently.

“Karin, Miranda, can I talk to you both outside for a moment?” Kaidan asked. Joshua looked at him, raising an eyebrow and hoping for an elaboration, but Kaidan didn't answer.

“Absolutely, come along then,” Chakwas instructed, stretching out her arm to him. Kaidan stepped over to her and she put her arm around his shoulders, leading him out of the room. She glanced over her shoulder to check that Miranda was following.

“I'll be there in a minute.” she said, leaning against the window as the door slid shut again. She stared at him, that probing look she gave him when she wanted to know things he wouldn't tell her. “You're bored,” she told him, “You aren't enjoying, or cooperating with either of your therapies, you want to leave yesterday, and you feel like all your freedoms have been taken away.”

He would have wondered if Kaidan had told her about all of that if she hadn't done this to him more than once. He shrugged, staring at his knee.

She already knew she was right, or she couldn't have said anything. Miranda didn't tell people guesses. “I'm not your enemy Joshua.” she told him.

He picked at the blanket, “I know.” he told her back, stretching his legs.

“You're lucky that Kaidan has so much patience.” she added. He hunched his shoulders, the truth behind that strung a bit. Kaidan's patience had always been a godsend to him.

“Yeah.” he agreed. Miranda crossed her arms and sighed.

“If you can behave for five more days, I will let you out into Kaidan's care, but that will mean you have to cooperate with your doctors.”

For a moment he felt excitement, but it was gone as soon as it came.

“I can't. I _hate_ that psychologist.” he shook his head, hating the weight of the word 'psychologist' and keeping his gaze fixed on the blanket. He was doomed to stay in the hospital because he couldn't talk to an old man about how he felt. The very thought made him feel nauseous.

They sat in silence, and Joshua wondered if Miranda should be keeping Chakwas and Kaidan for so long. She was giving him that look again, he knew it without even looking up.

“You don't trust him.” Miranda said, Joshua nodded. “I knew you wouldn't be able to speak to him from the moment Admiral Hackett told me he was being assigned to you.” Joshua thought he caught _sympathy_ in her voice. “You need someone completely uninvolved, someone who doesn't have access to files and reports.”

Joshua scoffed softly, though not at her, at the idea. He shook his head, “Like who?”

“I'll find someone for you, someone who you can approve personally.” Miranda said, “As soon as the Alliance got involved with your recovery, I knew you'd start rebelling against them.” she shrugged, wandering around the end of the bed. He watched her.

“I don't have anything against the Alliance.” Joshua replied defensively, painfully aware that Kaidan was on the other side of the door.

“You don't trust them.” Miranda pointed out, crossing her arms again and tilting her head at him, “You can't, and we both know why. You don't trust them just like you didn't trust the council.”

“They did what they had to do.” Joshua muttered, but the words felt thicker in his throat than they used to. Miranda stood heavily on one hip, her expression sarcastic.

“For now,” Miranda dropped her arms to her sides, glancing at the door, “do as Heather Dubois tells you. She may be inappropriately infatuated with you, but she is a _good_ doctor. _I_ chose her.”

Joshua glanced up at her, “I have an...appointment with the psychologist today.” he said, feeling the urge to stare out into space rather than trying to hold the conversation further.

“I'll cancel it. There's no point in your sitting for an hour doing nothing while an old man glares at you.” Miranda shrugged, turned to the door to leave, and then looked back at him, “taking deep breaths should help with the panic attacks.”

Joshua took a sharp breath, staring at her wide eyed as she escaped out of the room, wanting to ask her _how she knew_ , and wanting to blame Kaidan as soon as he came back in for it. Sometimes he hated that Miranda knew his inner workings better than he did, he knew it wasn't Kaidan's fault.

He swallowed at the lump in his throat, ignoring the thought that maybe _everyone_ knew and that it was obvious. He pulled his knees up to his chest, resting his forehead on his knees. Deep breaths she'd said, like it was easy. Had his cybernetics told her? Did Dr. Chakwas know?

His chest felt tight, thinking about people knowing that he was falling apart. Breathing, he knew how to do that. That's what he'd been told to do two weeks after Akuze when his burns had started to heal and he woke up hearing the screams of 50 marines dying around him.

Breathing was easy...right?

_Dark. Air hissing, the readings on his helmet displaying numbers, warnings, flashing red. He gasped, felt like more air was going out than coming in. He gasped again._

“No, no, no, no...” _he whispered, each word painful as his breath refused to come. His chest ached, his lungs burned. He writhed, trying to find the disconnect, trying to find the air._

_Joker had got out, he'd made sure._

_He gasped. Fire. He gasped again, pain, nothing. He grit his teeth._

“Kaidan...”

_The hissing stopped._

“Joshua, breathe!”

He gasped, eyes wide as he lifted his head off of his knees. His lungs hurt, his hip hurt from how curled into himself he was. The back of his neck stung. Kaidan had taken hold of his one of his wrists, the other arm angled so he couldn't do anymore damage to the back of his neck. His eyes burned.

“Breathe.”

He did, dropping his head back onto his knees. He sobbed, damn it. Scared as not something which he usually used to describe himself, but scared was exactly what that memory made him. He was terrified. The feeling of being unable to breathe, the sensation of his mind going silent, the moment when he didn't care anymore, when it was over.

Dead.

“I...I...” his voice _squeaked._

Kaidan hushed him, letting go of his wrist and climbing up onto the bed behind him, “Breathe.” Kaidan wrapped his arms around him and pulled him back against his chest.

Joshua took one breath, trying to relax, stretching his legs out and letting his head fall on Kaidan's shoulder. He took another breath. Kaidan ran his hand over his chest. Joshua felt safer, closing his eyes and turning his head so he could tuck his head under Kaidan's chin. He took another breath.

“What happened?” Kaidan asked softly, “I came in and...”

Joshua shook his head, sniffling as a fresh tear found its way down his face. “I freaked myself out.” he croaked, realising his voice was hoarse. His breath hitched.

“That's...a bit of an understatement, don't you think?” Kaidan began petting his hair. Joshua nodded, because Kaidan was right. He couldn't force anymore words from his mouth, his body and mind were exhausted. His legs hurt, his head hurt, his chest hurt. “I think...I think the reason your cybernetics are stressed is that these panics are putting pressure on them.” he continued.

Joshua nodded again. He sniffed again, turning so that he could wrap an arm around Kaidan's back and tug himself closer. He felt pitiful and stupid, but Kaidan didn't seem to care.

Kaidan rubbed his back, kissing his head gently. “You're okay.” he muttered.

“I know.” he replied, “I've had enough of this...”

Kaidan kissed him again, “I'm sorry.” Joshua had no idea what he was sorry for. His body felt too heavy, his mind thick like a dense fog. He just curled up closer to Kaidan and cracked his eyes open. “Miranda told me that she's cancelled your therapies with Dr. Wakeham indefinitely.” Kaidan said softly, still petting his hair.

Kaidan bent his knees up, forming a sort of wall on either side of Joshua. He didn't sound angry, but Joshua grabbed the arm which wasn't being used to pet his hair and _held._ He numbly scolded himself, even as Kaidan 'shh'ed him again.

“I just wanted to tell you...it's okay if you don't trust him.” Kaidan finished softly.

Joshua tensed, his body complaining, “Did you hear?” he asked, voice still rough, nervous even though he had told Kaidan that he didn't trust the man himself.

“No.” Kaidan replied, “You and Miranda told me.”

Joshua closed his eyes again, just lay in the safety of Kaidan's arms, legs, and body. His grip on Kaidan's arm faltered and his hands fell away.

“I trust you.” he muttered, “I know you're not a doctor, so you can't really help, but I trust _you_.” Kaidan nodded, the hand petting his hair stopped and rested on the back of his neck.

“Yeah, I know...” Kaidan buried his face in to his hair, took a shaky breath, “You'll be alright Joshua.”

“What's wrong?” Joshua asked, catching the break in Kaidan's voice. He looked up at him. Kaidan took another shaky breath.

“I lied...I didn't know.” Kaidan admitted, squeezing him tightly, “It's just good to hear you say it again.”

Joshua bumped Kaidan's chin affectionately with his head, reaching up to run his fingers over Kaidan's cheek blindly, but the angle was awkward and he brushed Kaidan's forehead instead.

Thinking about it, the last time he'd told Kaidan that he trusted him was almost five years ago on the SR-1. He wasn't sure when he'd stopped, but he knew he must have. The list of people he really trusted he could count on one hand.

“I don't trust the Alliance anymore,” Joshua muttered, wanting to prove he could trust Kaidan to both of them, “I _can't_ , I told them what was coming and they ignored me just as much as the council did...so many people died and I could have saved some of them if they'd just listened to me...”

“I know.”

“And I never trusted Cerberus, I _never..._ I”

“I know,” Kaidan squeezed him again, “You don't have to tell me that, I already know.”

Joshua sighed, curling up more and closing his eyes again. Everything was _so_ heavy. He knew he wouldn't be falling asleep, he was still having trouble remembering to breathe. His chest still felt tight. He just wanted to sit quietly with Kaidan until the rush of blood between his ears stopped and his heartbeat slowed.

Kaidan seemed to recognise this and fell mostly silent, just laying back into the bed and petting his hair again, hushing him softly whenever his breathing picked up again, reminding him to breathe if he forgot.

Eventually they just sat there. Joshua didn't fall asleep, but Kaidan did. Joshua could feel the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest and hear his heartbeat.

He'd gotten lucky somewhere, of all of the things in the galaxy, to have Kaidan was not what he'd expected. Kaidan was probably exhausted, certainly frustrated, and still put up with him. As Kaidan's hold on him slackened and he really fell asleep, Joshua turned so he could see Kaidan's sleeping face.

He'd liked Kaidan from the moment he'd come through the door on the Normandy. He'd loved him from the moment he'd got too curious about the prothean beacon and tried to approach it, when he'd had to throw Kaidan out of the way out of the impending blast. The way Kaidan had smiled when he'd thanked him and Ashley for carrying him back to the ship had made his insides squirm in a way they had never done before.

Almost five years on and his insides still squirmed when Kaidan smiled like that.

He kissed Kaidan's jaw, the way his lips tugged into a smile reflexively made Joshua's stomach tug.

He'd been a bad lover, hiding himself and distrusting Kaidan. He was glad he had the chance to redeem himself in his own eyes, though he wasn't sure Kaidan saw his failure as he did.

For a few more minutes he sat, watching Kaidan and loving him. Then he quietly escaped the protective cage Kaidan had created around him.

He really wanted a shower, but he couldn't bring himself to rouse the slumbering Kaidan, so he'd take one alone. He shakily stood from the bed, being a good boy and taking his crutch. He limped stiffly to the bathroom, did his business, and set about getting in the shower. Doing so wasn't easy, his legs hurt and he couldn't bring the crutch into the wet even if it was made of metal. So instead he just leaned against the wall and set the spray to the right temperature.

He stood under the spray, letting his head rest against the wall and sighing softly. The wall was cool, which felt good against his aching head.

He glanced down at the still angry scar on his middle. It still hurt sometimes, but he wasn't sure it was important to tell Miranda that it hurt, it was probably just something he'd have to deal with. His shoulder hurt similarly sometimes. At least his scarring wasn't worse.

Even though the warmth from the shower helped with his aching, he was still exhausted. He closed his eyes, just for a moment or so he thought, but then he heard the door to the shower slide open.

“Joshua,” Kaidan came up behind him, apparently he hadn't noticed him enter the room. He relaxed as Kaidan's arms wrapped around his waist, “What are you doing?”

He apparently hadn't noticed Kaidan stripping either. It startled him that it didn't bother him any more. It did unnerve him that he'd been so off of his guard that he'd been snuck up on, but it didn't bother him that it was Kaidan.

“Showering.” Joshua replied pragmatically, but his voice was thick with sleep and he let his head fall back on Kaidan's shoulder.

“Oh really?” Kaidan asked, chuckling, Joshua shivered from the feeling, “You looked like you were taking a nap.”

“No.” Joshua shook his head, but Kaidan just chuckled at him again. “ _You_ were taking a nap.” he insisted.

“Yeah, for a few minutes there.” Kaidan said, guiding him over to the bench and sitting him down on it. “How're you feeling?”

“Hurts.” Joshua said softly, taking hold of Kaidan's hand and running his fingers over the now slick skin, “Legs feel like I just ran from here to the Citadel then back and my head feels like when I got there I was shot.”

Kaidan sighed, kissing his forehead, “You could have woken me up.”

“You were tired.” Joshua replied, closing his eyes and letting his head fall back against the wall. Why was his head so damn heavy?

“So're you.” Kaidan gently tugged his hand free, Joshua watched him go over to the shampoo dispenser and then wander back as he lathered it between his hands.

“No.” he shook his head again, as Kaidan's fingers went to his hair and began working in the lather. He'd have to make sure he did this for Kaidan some time soon, there was nothing better than having someone else wash his hair for him.

“You're falling asleep right now.” Kaidan told him, as his fingers gently massaged his head.

“Mm'm.” he disagreed softly.

Kaidan chuckled at him.

Joshua rested his head against Kaidan's chest. He was pretty sure he was impeding Kaidan's hair washing abilities, the way his bangs were now pressed between his forehead and Kaidan's ribs, but he didn't care. Kaidan didn't seem to care either, just massaged the back of his neck with the shampoo and then gently up the back of his scalp.

Kaidan was obviously right, he was exhausted. He felt like a thousand little weights were pulling him down. He protested slightly as Kaidan tried to pull him to his feet again, instead wrapping his arms around Kaidan's middle and kissing his belly gently before allowing himself to be lifted.

“Just lean on me, you're fine.” Kaidan told him softly, guiding him back over directly under the spray and holding him up securely.

“One day I'll do this for you, you know.” Joshua said, his brain working slowly even as the shampoo washed from his hair and Kaidan used one hand to keep the suds from his eyes.

“Do what?” Kaidan asked, his curiosity obvious in his tone and the quirk of his brow.

“Whatever you want, I'll wash your hair, and maybe I'll carry you around for a few days.” Joshua leaned back against the wall, his head tilting slightly because it was too heavy for him to hold upright. Kaidan smiled at him.

“I'll hold you to that.” he said, brushing the bangs from Joshua's face. “C'mon, let's get you out of here so you can get some of that sleep you're trying so hard to have against the wall.”

Joshua chuckled softly, stepping off of the wall and taking hold of the back of Kaidan's head so he could pull him into a kiss. They smiled at each other lovingly, Kaidan running his fingers along this hairline.

“Yeah, alright.” Joshua agreed, “Let's go.”

 


	17. Friends

Kaidan's eyes snapped open, chest heaving as he looked around the dark room and reality came back to him like molasses running down hill.

He'd dreamt of Joshua. Joshua petting his cheek and saying, 'I'll love you, always,' and then disappearing. Of himself saying, 'We...probably should just move past Horizon,” and Joshua looking at him with pleading eyes and then crumbling away to ash. Of Joshua in a dark place afraid, crying his name, and begging for help, being unable to get to him.

There was a sensation on his face, he realised, as he came awake. As his foggy brain cleared he realised it was Joshua, propped up on one elbow, facing him and running his fingers gently from his temple to his chin. His expression in the dark was one of understanding, affection, and heavily lidded sleepiness.

“You're okay Kaidan.” Joshua whispered, and Kaidan realised it was Joshua's voice which had woken him, loving, warm, strong. He vaguely recognised the situation was a bit backwards, but being the absolute centre of Joshua's world at that moment was all he wanted to focus on.

“I'm sorry.” Kaidan muttered, voice husky with sleep.

He didn't really know what he was apologising for, but Joshua, bless him, didn't even question it, just replied with, “I know.” and pressed a kiss to his forehead. The sheer gentleness behind Joshua's motions, his voice, and his touches, not because he was breakable or weak, but because he was _cherished_ , calmed Kaidan's heart, his mind. He no longer found himself trying to sift through the muddy dream.

“Mm...I guess I woke you up.” Kaidan flexed his shoulders, trying to get the tension out of them. Joshua massaged the line on his forehead.

“Only a little.” he replied. Joshua seemed distant, safely so, but Kaidan could see questions in his eyes. He could practically hear them. Was he okay? What had he dreamt of? Did he want to talk about it? Did he not? Instead of asking them though, Joshua just wrapped his arms around him and pulled him closer.

He hoped that Joshua felt as safe in his arms as he felt in Joshua's. Then again, Joshua's arms had taken down reapers, maybe his own arms just weren't as strong.

As Joshua breathed into his hair he thought he may be able to sleep again, the dreams turning back into dreams in his mind instead of something which he was afraid may come back.

His arms went around Joshu's middle, squeezing him gently. The smell of Joshua filled him, calm, confidence, love, and that little bit of spice which even generic hospital and military soap couldn't get rid of. Joshua had once told him that he smelt like static electricity, he wondered if that was still the case.

The oddness of his thought process told him that he was falling asleep again. That was okay with him, Joshua tucked safely into his arms and vice versa.

“Goodnight Kaidan.” Joshua whispered to him, and kissed his head. Kaidan was pretty sure he replied before falling asleep again.

-o-

Joshua was feeling well enough to actually want breakfast the next morning, which was a relief since Kaidan had only been able to convince him to snack and graze the day before. Joshua just seemed to shut down when he was stressed, both emotionally and by just not taking care of himself. And, when he didn't have people watching his every move, he was good at hiding it.

Kaidan had never noticed it on the SR-1, but he remembered how strikingly exhausted Joshua had sometimes looked after he'd formally joined the SR-2.

 _He'd_ never interfered directly, having assumed that it was just stress and not wanting to make it worse, but he'd seen Garrus try on more than one occasion to get Joshua to 'just rest' and usually he failed miserably.

“Joshua,” he said sternly, pulling Joshua's attention from the vid screen in the cafeteria back to their table, “eat.”

Joshua grinned sheepishly, gaze darting back to the screen for a split second before he started eating his toast. Joshua had covered his in mayo, scrambled eggs, and ketchup, which Kaidan had thought was a bit childish, but endearing. When given freedom with his food Joshua did odd things apparently. Kaidan loved it.

Seeing bits and pieces of who Joshua was, as opposed to who Commander Shepard was, was both a blessing and a relief. He'd dared to think on more than one occasion that Commander Shepard was all he had been, he was so wrong.

Commander Shepard was a rock, making the difficult decisions without flinching, running head first into enemy krogan. Nose in a datapad, hand on a gun, never wavering, always there to save and protect. He stood between the galaxy and the greatest threats with no hesitation.

Joshua Shepard was...was water, beautiful, hard to catch with bare hands, feeling, loving, and fearing. He grinned and smiled, and people fell in love with him. He had regrets and guilt, and sometimes he was naive and innocent as a child. He built models, collected fish and stared at them for hours.

He loved Joshua Shepard, he revered and sometimes feared Commander Shepard.

“I'm not a biotic you know.” Joshua told him, poking at his hash browns defiantly.

“No, you're not, but 'regular' humans still need to eat, and last time I checked...” he fixed Joshua with a pointed look. Joshua just stuck his tongue out at him, and Kaidan wished that he hadn't sat across from him because he _really_ wanted to kiss him. “Put that away or I'll take it from you.” he said, echoing something his mother had said to him once.

Joshua took another bite of his toast with a smile on his face, “Hmm.” he replied.

Kaidan turned back to his food, toast and eggs separated and definitely no mayo or ketchup. He caught Joshua glancing up at the vid screen again. He couldn't stop him, he knew that, but seeing his brow crease with worry as the Galactic News flashed rebuilding efforts on asari, turian, salarian, and human worlds was hard.

He could see the yearning to be able to help, the guilt which he knew Joshua felt because he hadn't been able to save everyone.

He let Joshua watch in peace, because he _was_ actually eating, and focused on his own breakfast while keeping an eye on him. It was fine up until the moment Joshua abruptly dropped his fork and hid his hands under the table, staring at the edge of the table while chewing his lip.

Kaidan glanced up at the vid screen. They were showing several geth dreadnoughts, frozen in space and dead. The mystery between Joshua and the geth he had called Legion's relationship had always bugged him. How had he gone from cursing every geth to siding with them _and_ mourning the 'death' of one?

Now wasn't the time to have the conversation though, Joshua was clearly distressed. Without a word he stood, rounding the table while Joshua watched him anxiously and sat beside him. He took Joshua's hands, which were clasped tightly under the table. Joshua leaned on him.

“Hey.” Kaidan muttered.

“Hey...” Joshua muttered back miserably. Joshua took hold of his hand with one hand, the other still curled on his thigh.

“You okay?” he asked, already knowing the answer, but he desperately wanted to hear it from Joshua.

“It's everywhere, isn't it?” Joshua asked softly, instead of answering him directly, “The effects of what I did...”

“Yeah.” Kaidan agreed, painfully aware that Joshua was overlooking the good things he'd done. “That's...part of the reason that I don't want to give your omnitool back.”

Joshua nodded despondently against his shoulder, prompting Kaidan to do something he wasn't sure was allowed. He reached forward and took Joshua's fork, filling it with hash browns and and angling it towards his mouth.

“Eat.” he ordered, filling the urge to smuggle Joshua away and hide him from the world forever with taking care of him. The way Joshua smiled at him before taking the bite off of the fork settled him a bit. Then Joshua took the fork, poking at his hash browns.

“You remind me of my mom when you do that.” Joshua told him, taking a bite of his hash browns. Kaidan look at him in shock. Joshua had _never_ mentioned his family, not to anyone as far as he knew. He'd thought...well that Joshua couldn't stand to mention them.

Somehow he managed to unstick his tongue from the roof of his mouth while Joshua made a valiant effort to finish his food. It was a cue, it _had_ to be.

“What...what was your mom like?” Kaidan asked, feeling like he was creeping up behind a deer in the park. Would he run?

“Mm...” Joshua looked down at his tray for a moment, chewing, “Nice, I guess.” He sounded like a small child describing his mother, which hurt Kaidan because he knew Joshua had been young when Mindoir had been attacked. “I used to get caught up in stuff, building things or working on the farm, and she'd come out with a sandwich or something and stuff it in my face... How's your mom?”

And just like that, the wall on that subject had gone back up. For a moment he thought Joshua looked very small.

“Fine.” he said, running his fingers up and down Joshua's back, “I sent her a message yesterday.” Kaidan recognised the conversation as Joshua trying to go out on a limb so he could ask him about _his_ mother. He really wanted to be able to express how proud he was of Joshua for taking the risk, but he couldn't. Joshua would definitely shut down if Kaidan told him that he knew how his brain worked, even if it was only a small part of it.

“Are we going to live with her?” Joshua asked, visibly relaxing and turning to face him. Joshua's reaction to his past was different, he noticed, from the reactions he had to events from the past few years. There was no panic, only hesitation to travel into painful memories.

“Not right away, Miranda wouldn't let me flee the country with you.” Kaidan replied, chuckling, “Then? I don't know. I'd like to be...near her at least.”

Joshua seemed to consider that, putting hash browns on his last bit of toast and eggs and then eating it. He looked sad, relaxed, but sad. Kaidan wanted to know how Joshua managed to stay so _good_ after having seen all the terrible things the galaxy had to offer him. Sometimes he wanted to turn his back on it all, but Joshua always faced forward.

“I've never lived on Earth.” Joshua muttered, staring blankly at the vid screen.

“Where would you like to live?” Kaidan asked, thinking of how relaxed and at home Joshua had been in the apartment on the Citadel, how he'd laughed and smiled easier than he had in years. Joshua didn't answer though, even as Kaidan reserved himself to living in space somewhere, maybe a similar apartment on the Citadel once the rebuilding was finished.

Joshua frowned, narrowed his eyes at the table, started folding all the corners of his napkin. He opened his mouth, took a breath, and then shut it again, his mouth scrunching to the side. He seemed to be thinking much harder than the question warranted.

Kaidan brushed the bangs which had fallen into Joshua's face out of the way. He found Joshua's face was a lot softer with bangs to frame it. He looked younger. More his age than the tired old soldier. Joshua looked up from the table to settle a troubled violet gaze on Kaidan.

“Anywhere is fine, I guess.” Joshua told him finally.

Even after the apparent agony he'd been in a few moments before with his thinking on the subject Joshua looked decidedly blank, if not unsure of the situation. Kaidan didn't understand why. Then, Kaidan's lips tugged into a firm straight line, as realisation settled heavily in his stomach.

“You never thought about it did you?” The multiple reminders which Kaidan had received since Joshua had woken up that Joshua hadn't planned to return _hurt_. They felt like a thousand tiny needles all pressed into his heart. The guilty look Joshua gave him said it all. But, just when he thought that Joshua was going to look away, or change the subject, Joshua pressed an insistent kiss to his lips instead.

Forgetting where they were for a moment, Kaidan moaned slightly into the kiss as Joshua threaded his fingers through the hair at the back of his head. When Joshua pulled away and pressed their foreheads together he remembered and felt his face go so red he thought his head may explode.

“I'm sorry,” he heard Joshua whisper through his embarrassment, “I'll live wherever you are.”

And damn it, when he looked up Joshua looked desperate and scared. He hadn't meant to make him think that he was angry with him, but it looked like he'd done just that.

“Hey,” he cupped Joshua's cheek, “it's okay, we'll figure it out when we get there.” Joshua looked unsure for a moment, before he nodded. “Come on, let's go back to your room.” Kaidan said. Joshua nodded again, pulling away to clean up their trays. Kaidan sighed, “I'll take care of it love, just relax.”

He hated the look on Joshua's face. He could tell that he was feeling guilty. He knew without asking that Joshua was over thinking it and blaming himself for far too many things. No matter how frustrated he felt he hated seeing Joshua looking so small and guilt ridden. So he collected their trays, while Joshua collected his crutch, and then he took their trays over to the counter. Joshua was coming up behind him when he turned around, frowning with concentration.

Kaidan moved over beside him, just close enough that if Joshua needed him he would be within reach. Joshua took his arm immediately, though he took a few steps without actually putting any weight on him. Kaidan knew that Joshua just wanted to have contact with him. He wrapped his arm up under Joshua's elbow, taking his hand and squeezing it.

Joshua smiled shyly up at him, his posture slightly slumped. They'd have to work on that, it couldn't be good for his back.

“Sorry.” Joshua said again, as they slowly made their way to the lift. Kaidan wanted to push him against the wall and kiss him and tell him to _stop apologising_ , but instead he sighed.

“I know.” he said. That seemed to work, Joshua focusing on walking, his posture relaxing.

As they reached their floor Kaidan noticed a turian standing outside of Joshua's door, he tensed, but Joshua let go of his arm and rushed out of the lift. Kaidan would have called it running, if Joshua had been capable of running. Either way, Joshua was out of his reach quickly and there was suddenly a tall turian rushing towards him.

“Garru— Ow!” The turian, who was Garrus, flicked Joshua on the forehead. “Ow!” Joshua said again, bringing his free hand up to his forehead, “Turian claws, man!”

Kaidan came up beside him, feeling protective and confused about Garrus's sudden appearance.

“Sorry Joshua,” Garrus rumbled goodnaturedly, “had to make sure your brain hadn't turned to liquid over the past...ten?...months.” Joshua grinned, and it made Kaidan's heart ache. Joshua always smiled easily with Garrus.

“What?” Joshua asked with mock defensiveness, “Didn't you _want_ me to take a nap?” Garrus stood on the other side of Joshua, prompting him to continue on the way to the room.

“Yeah, _twelve_ months ago.” Garrus shot back, watching Joshua's gait closely, then looking up at Kaidan, “How've you been Kaidan?”

“Oh sure,” Joshua scoffed, “Flick me in the face and ask _him_ how he's been.” Garrus just twitched his mandibles at him, still watching Kaidan.

“Fine.” he replied stiffly.

Joshua opened the door to his room and entered with them following behind him. Kaidan watched him hoist himself up onto the edge of the bed, placing his crutch beside him. He looked so _relaxed._ He looked over at Garrus, who observed at him for a moment with a raised brow then approached Joshua. To his great surprise, Garrus hugged him.

“Welcome back Joshua.” Garrus muttered, Kaidan could barely hear it. Joshua gave Garrus a reluctant pat on the back as the short hug was terminated. Garrus sat himself on the other side of Joshua's crutch. Kaidan stayed by the door.

“How'd you get here?” Joshua asked.

“Oh, you know, bartering, illicit activities, dropping a certain commander's name a couple...hundred times.” Garrus replied, stretching his arms and fingers. Joshua snorted.

“So...how's Palaven?” Joshua asked, changing the subject suddenly. Kaidan was about to object, but Garrus gave Joshua a reproachful look.

“Great, as far as you're concerned.” he said sternly.

Kaidan had forgotten how good Garrus was at dealing with Joshua. Even as Joshua frowned and crossed his arms in frustration at the answer. Garrus was unfazed, leaning back on his elbows on the bed like he was at home.

“Well, I was glad to hear your family made it...” Joshua said, then his frown deepened and he stared at the floor, tilting his head slightly.

Kaidan frowned too, trying to remember when Joshua had been told about Garrus's family. Then he remembered, looking up at Garrus in shock just as Garrus looked up at him questioningly. It had been four months ago, when Garrus had come for his short visit. Kaidan stared at Joshua, his shock no less visible. Joshua looked up, clearly confused and slightly alarmed.

“Th...they did...” Joshua turned to Garrus, “right?”

Garrus smiled, turning back to Joshua without missing a beat and nodding, “Definitely.”

“Good...” Joshua put a hand on his forehead, squeezing his temples between his thumb and middle finger like his head hurt. He hunched forward slightly, expression troubled.

“So...” Garrus turned to pick up Joshua's crutch and turn it over in his hands, “Do they give humans a third leg when they can't walk right, or are you just being lazy?”

It took him a moment, but Joshua recovered, raising an eyebrow at Garrus and dropping his hands to his side, “What, do turians hop when they break their leg?”

Garrus shrugged. “Turians don't break their legs.” he said, setting the crutch back down and leaning back on the bed again. “When are you getting out? I can't imagine you putting up with this for very long.”

“I can get out in 'five more days' if I'm 'good'.” Joshua told Garrus, rolling his eyes and shrugging his shoulders, “So says Doctor Miranda.” Garrus chuckled.

Kaidan watched them, how they interacted, how all Garrus had to do was ask a question and he got a clear answer. Joshua had recovered from his lapse of confusion and insecurity so easily, and now they were joking about going to Omega as soon as possible to get a drink from a Batarian bartender. Then Garrus remembered that they'd killed him, and Joshua laughed.

He stared at the floor, folding his arms across his chest.

“Tali wanted to say hello.” Garrus said. Joshua grinned, shifting so he was turned towards Garrus.

“Yeah?” he asked, and Garrus dropped his gaze, “How is she?”

“Good.”

“Just good?” Joshua asked.

“Yup.”

“You haven't accidentally tangled your mandibles in her helmet again?”

Garrus snorted, turning to flick Joshua in the forehead again. “Shut up.”

“Ow!” Joshua complained, covering his forehead and mock glaring at Garrus from beneath his hand, “Fine, I won't ask anymore questions about your 'secret' relationship.”

“Good.” Garrus smirked at Joshua, who continued to glare at him until he started snickering.

“Was she just using you for your body after a—”

“Quiet you.” Garrus snapped, though there was no animosity behind it.

Kaidan sighed again, turning to open the door. He couldn't take it, he was getting _angry_ and he knew that wasn't right. Not when Joshua was happy and seeing someone who he hadn't seen in months, not when Joshua was being himself for the first time in ages.

“Where are you going?” Joshua asked, and he could almost forget the edge of panic in Joshua's tone.

“Coffee.” Kaidan replied, not turning around, “I'll be back in a minute.”

He glared down the hallway as the door shut behind him, taking a few steps towards the lift and then deciding he did not in fact want coffee at all. Instead he leaned against the wall across from the door with the windows on it. He stared down the hallway, thinking he was acting like a child. Garrus was Joshua's best friend, they often behaved like two kids playing off of each other.

He hadn't seen very much of it, Joshua had been so much more serious over the course of the Reaper War. But it was obvious they were still friends, and in moments of relaxation he'd seen them drinking, wrestling, and telling jokes like they'd been separated at birth.

He just...wanted Joshua to be happy with _him_ . He knew their relationship was different, but he'd never had the playful relationship that they had with him, though he was trying. He felt like Joshua trusted Garrus more than him, even though he knew that was irrational. He felt like Joshua was more relaxed with Garrus than him, and he _knew_ that was true.

Joshua slipped through troubled moments like they were nothing when Garrus was around. He'd completely forgotten the distress from the cafeteria the second he'd seen him.

The door to Joshua's room slid open, and Kaidan looked up surprised. He was more surprised that it was Garrus, his arms crossed over his chest and looking none too impressed.

“Coffee?” he asked, displeasure obvious in his tone as the door slid shut again.

“I decided I didn't want coffee.”

There was a moment of tense silence and then Garrus leaned on the wall beside him, “Go back in there right now.” he ordered, tone slightly menacing. Kaidan looked at him, surprised by the harshness in Garrus's voice.

“What?”

“You heard me. He won't talk with me if he thinks you're mad at him.” Garrus told him, glancing at him out of the corner of his eye and then back at the door.

“That doesn't make any sense.” Kaidan grumbled.

“It makes sense, you know it does.” Garrus was too tall, Kaidan decided. He felt like Garrus was looming over him even though he wasn't. Garrus was also right, but Kaidan didn't like it. Still, now Joshua was alone in the room and Kaidan couldn't imagine he was too happy about it. “Just go, I'll give you five minutes, but I came here specifically to see him, so act quickly.”

Kaidan looked between the door and Garrus, sighing, “I hate when you're right.” he grumbled. Garrus just chuckled at him. He shrugged and wandered back over to the door, casting a glare over his shoulder at Garrus who watched him smugly.

Garrus being right was part of what had made him ask Joshua to meet him at Apollo's on the Citadel in the first place. He still didn't like admitting it.

As the door slid open Kaidan was met with a very different sight than the one he'd left. Besides Garrus having left the room, Joshua was now sitting length wise with the bed propped up, turning the Normandy model over in his fingers. The crutch had somehow found it's way onto the floor.

Joshua looked up at him, first glancing up under his brows and then raising his head slowly to look at him properly. His shoulders were slumped forward, his expression miserable. He looked surprised that Kaidan was the one at the door, but he was definitely not disappointed by it. “Kaidan I—”

Kaidan closed the distance between them, stepping over the crutch. He sighed heavily, feeling terrible for what he'd just done. “It's okay.” he muttered soothingly, running his fingers gently through Joshua's hair, “You didn't do anything, I just...get jealous.”

“Yeah, I know I—” Joshua took a sharp breath, and it caught in his chest. Kaidan could hear the panic in his voice and see the way his violet eyes were filled with desperation, couldn't decide if they wanted to stay on him or the Normandy he was playing with in his hands. “I know you said you'd come back...”

This time, at least, he didn't think it really mattered that he said he'd come back, he'd left in a clearly bad mood, and Joshua was obviously _not_ over the upset in the cafeteria, or what had happened with him remembering Garrus's family. Just...very good at hiding it as usual.

“Doesn't matter, not with how I went anyway.” he told him, running his thumb over Joshua's cheekbone gently. Joshua fell silent, staring at the model in his hands and apparently not ready to agree or argue with his statement. After a minute Kaidan glanced at the door, then back to Joshua, “Look, Garrus is coming back in a few minutes, I won't go anywhere, I just wanted you to know—”

“He's coming back?” Joshua asked, and Kaidan couldn't miss the tone of 'does he have to?' or the panic in his gaze as he looked up at him. Kaidan frowned involuntarily.

“You don't want him to?” he asked, confused for a moment. Joshua just stared at him, looking a lot more neutral than he had since Kaidan had come in, then he pressed his lips together and stared down at the Normandy again.

“What am I supposed to say to him? We're only friends because we sh-shot at a bunch of stuff together, I don't know how to be friends with people. Besides...we always had Tha—” Joshua clenched his teeth, saying nothing further. Kaidan wondered in what world a man with so many friends could think he had none, how Joshua could overlook all the drinking, the laughter, the fun that he'd seen Joshua and Garrus share.

“He was here for the first few months, you know.” Kaidan told him, playing advocate for the man he'd been upset with a moment before, “Right there,” he pointed at the chair, “While I was out running around trying to... move time without having to see you like you were, Garrus was here.

“He sat here when you had to have surgery, while I was rebuilding London, he worried if you'd make it. When he finally had to go back to Palaven he made sure I was here so you wouldn't be alone. He...he did a far better job of taking care of you those first few months than I did.”

“But I'm so...” Joshua stared blankly out the window. Joshua's stubbornness on the subject was already failing, Kaidan could see it.

“Weak?” Kaidan gently supplied Joshua's unspoken word. It was the same word that had been hanging, unsaid, since Joshua had woken up, the one Joshua was afraid of.

The result was instantaneous. Joshua's gaze switched to him so quickly he thought he heard the connection he had with the window snap, hands which had held the Normandy gently grabbed the arm of the hand he'd been resting on the bed _hard_ , and his breathing spiked.

Kaidan had expected that reaction though. He used his free arm to pull Joshua into a tight hold, making it obvious he wasn't going anywhere. He was sure they'd gone past the five minute mark and silently thanked Garrus for knowing, somehow, to wait.

“ _No one_ thinks that Joshua, _no one._ ” he told him with great conviction, “If they do they'll have to go through me to tell you, because I'll end them right then and there.”

The grip on his arm stayed strong, but Joshua nodded against his shoulder and his breathing settled again. It was then that the door slid open. He expected Joshua to pull away, but he just flinched. Kaidan turned his head to watch as Garrus entered, apparently unfazed by their contact, and situated himself at the end of the bed, his fingers curling around the bars. His attention was not on Kaidan, set decidedly on Joshua instead.

“Joshua,” Garrus said, with a softness he hadn't expected, “Are you okay?” His expression was an odd one, Kaidan hadn't seen it many times, he looked genuinely confused.

Now Joshua pulled away, clearing his throat awkwardly and nodding once at Garrus. Kaidan stood to the side, watched.

“Fine.” Joshua replied tersely.

“You're lying.” Garrus told him, frank, but still gentle. Kaidan expected a denial, or a retort, he hadn't ever seen anyone blatantly called him on one of his lies before. Instead Joshua's mouth opened, then shut, and he frowned at Garrus for a long moment, and Garrus stared back at him, calm yet unyielding.

“I'm...” Joshua glanced at Kaidan, then back at Garrus, finally staring back at the Normandy in his lap. He shook his head.

“Of course you're not.” Garrus said, shrugging, “In your head you left the battle field, what, two weeks ago?”

Joshua shrugged. Garrus pushed off of the bars, swiping a hand over his face, “Now suddenly everything is 'peaceful' again. What's an old soldier to do?”

Joshua wasn't old, Kaidan wanted to say, but instead he just watched. This was a new angle. He was so used to seeing Miranda over look Joshua's lies or just push past them, he was used to not knowing what to do with him, just acting like he hadn't heard. This was a whole new level of not putting up with Joshua and his avoidance.

“Sit here and rot apparently.” Joshua told Garrus bitterly, glancing at Kaidan before going on, “They set me up with this Alliance doctor who just sits and grills me on Cerberus for hours.”

“Harsh.” Garrus agreed, “Nothing better than people who can't get over old hang ups.”

“I can't walk properly.”

“That'll pass, you looked like you were doing fine to me.” Garrus assured him. So calm, just rebuffing Joshua's insecurity with fact.

“I...” Joshua paused and swallowed thickly now, “ _Still_ can't sleep.” That got Kaidan's attention.

“Still?” he asked, glancing between Garrus and Joshua. He was mostly ignored, just getting a nervous look from Joshua and a blank one from Garrus. He remembered Joshua lying to him him several days prior when he'd asked about the other nightmares, he figured this was about that. He tried not to feel the spike of jealousy he got from realising that Garrus knew and he didn't.

“The same?” Garrus asked, turning back to Joshua. Kaidan gripped the edge of the bed tightly, desperately wanting to know what they were talking about, but not wanting to interrupt again for fear that it'd lose him getting any sort of answer.

“No. Worse.” Joshua told him, glancing at Garrus and then back to Kaidan. Kaidan tried to smile reassuringly, sure he failed because Joshua didn't look any less nervous and tentatively grabbed his hand.

“Hmm.” Garrus hummed thoughtfully, “Well, what's new about it?” Joshua turned to fix an impassive look on Garrus and Kaidan figured that was it, conversation over, the hand on his retracted. But Garrus tilted his head slightly, like he was reading something, his mandibles twitching. “That bad, huh?” he asked.

Kaidan wondered what Garrus had seen, how? Joshua's gaze dropped to the blanket, silence fell on them. Joshua didn't want to continue the conversation, it was obvious. Garrus continued to look thoughtful and Kaidan _really_ wanted to learn Garrus's turian mind tricks.

“Sleeping meds.” Garrus said finally.

“No.” Joshua snapped, suddenly angry and looking at Garrus with a commanding sternness. Garrus matched the look, seemingly not surprised by Joshua's reaction.

“Yes.” Garrus replied calmly.

Kaidan realised Garrus's one advantage over him was that while he had served under Joshua, Garrus had never had the professional obligation to listen to him no matter what. He never had to worry about the regulations broken, he had no issue getting into a shouting match if he didn't agree with a choice Joshua was making. He wasn't compelled to obey when Joshua put on his Commander Shepard face.

“No.” Joshua repeated, using that tone of finality that Kaidan hated. “I'm not going to rely on meds. I'll do this myself. I'm _not_ going to be weak.”

“Joshua,” Garrus started, somehow managing to look bored while Joshua was fired up, “Shut up.”

The room went so quiet they could have heard a pin drop, Kaidan thought he could hear a shuttle drive past. Joshua looked about ready to jump up and fight Garrus, for once Kaidan was glad he wasn't able to walk properly yet. He certainly wouldn't be able to start a fight, even if he tried.

“Excuse me Vakarian?” Joshua asked, tone low, dangerous. That tone of voice scared asari commandos, even made krogan hesitate. Garrus just raised a brow at him and slowly made his way over to the side of the bed. He stopped on Joshua's other side, leaning back on one hip and crossing his arms.

“Excuse _me_ , commander.” Garrus said, tone dripping with sarcasm. “In the past few years I've seen you face insurmountable odds, fight impossible enemies, run off without planning to return twice, die once, and flatline _right here_ three times. I've seen you win, lose, and draw. And I've seen you lose the one person you care about.”

Kaidan shuffled uncomfortably as Joshua's gaze flicked to him for a split second.

“And through these years, I've seen you get no more than three hours of sleep some nights, and none most nights.” as Garrus continued Kaidan could see the anger leaving Joshua's eyes, quickly replaced by guilt, “Now, last time I checked, humans need _more_ sleep than turians and I've never seen you get more than me. So, unless you're a krogan, your best friend is asking you, get some damn sleep.” Garrus settled a hand on Joshua's shoulder, “Please.” he added, leaning to try and catch Joshua's gaze, which had fallen to the bed.

For a long moment they lapsed into silence again. Kaidan wasn't sure that Joshua was going to say anything. He just stared at his lap, his expression troubled, yet saying nothing. Kaidan was certain that they were going to have to give up here, Joshua was going to dig in his heels and refuse to say anything at all. He'd internalise everything Garrus had just said and agonise over it in silence.

Then, Kaidan caught the corner of Joshua's lip twitching slightly, “I'm _part_ krogan.” he said, looking up with a glint in his eye that Kaidan hadn't seen in years. He found himself snickering, not just at the defiance, but at seeing the life come back into Joshua's eyes. Garrus slapped Joshua on the shoulder and rolled his eyes, trying to hide his clear amusement. “Okay.” Joshua nodded, the smile still showing in the twitch of his lips, “But only because we never got to have that last drink.”

Kaidan didn't know what that meant, but Garrus evidently understood because he nodded affirmatively.

“Good, but you _still_ owe me that drink.” he said. The smile Joshua had been holding back broke though. “Kaidan can come.” Garrus added, nodding at him.

“Deal.” Joshua said, leaning to Kaidan and giving him a sound kiss on the lips.


	18. Weakness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy cow this fic has gone past 2000 hits! I'm so touched that people read and like my story. Thank you all so much for reading this far and for all of the support.
> 
> I'm sorry for the late update, I was at an anime convention last weekend and then caught a cold (from one of the voice actors...). I also have a chapter of Don't Say I Love You in the works, so that should be around in the next day or so!

Having Garrus around was odd yet some how comforting. Garrus was the only one who, while questioning everything he did, never questioned who he was. He gave him stability. He had still expected that their relationship was conditional, that it didn't exist without a mission and the Normandy.

That Garrus had stood by his side for those first few months had been surprising...but it didn't seem like a lie. He _felt_ like Garrus had been there, and he knew Kaidan hadn't been. It was something Kaidan seemed to regret, though Joshua wouldn't have expected anyone to spend a week by his beside, let alone ten months.

Still, the night before when Garrus had and gone to Kaidan's apartment to sleep, without questioning why Kaidan wasn't using it, Kaidan had sat on the bed with him and just held him for a while. Joshua couldn't complain, any time that Kaidan was touching him was good.

He'd actually slept. Kaidan had contacted Miranda about the sleeping meds and she'd practically thrown them at him. It had been weird, a dreamless sleep for the first time in years, and he'd woken up to the warmth of Kaidan's arm around him instead of the cold of panic and terror. For a while he wasn't sure he'd actually slept, he'd forgotten what it felt like.

Garrus returned after breakfast. He had insisted on walking to one of the gardens even though it was winter and there were no plants growing in the soil.

When they got there Joshua sat on one of the benches, out of breath, but pleased with himself. Kaidan stood on his left, his hand rubbing circles on Joshua's back. Garrus stood as well, across from them leaning against a low wall which ran around the gardens.

“So, when're you leaving?” Joshua asked, looking up at Garrus innocently. Kaidan's hand stopped.

“Trying to get rid of me already Joshua?” Garrus asked, raising a brow at him, “Or are you just hesitant to let me see this 'physical therapy' of yours in a few hours?”

Joshua scowled. Why did Garrus know these things so easily?

“No, I'm just worried that if you breathe our air for too long your sub-vocals will break and you'll start sounding like a human.” he retorted. For a moment Garrus looked concerned, but Joshua knew he wasn't. Kaidan started thumbing a knot in his shoulder, he leaned into the contact.

“Humans have squeaky voices,” Garrus fake worried, then he 'relaxed' and his mandibles twitched, “but not as squeaky as salarians, I'll take my chances.”

Joshua smiled in spite of himself. Garrus had been a good...er probably a great friend. He had carried him off of the battle field when he'd got his sorry ass shot, he made sure he took care of himself, trusted him, came several hundred light-years across the galaxy to visit him for apparently no reason.

Yeah...he was probably really dumb for being unsure about Garrus seeing his weak side. After all was said and done, he'd already seen it a handful of times.

“Fine, you can come,” Joshua said, “but you can't touch anything, or say anything, or blink.”

Garrus grinned, or at least he'd been interpreting it as a grin, when his eyes narrowed slightly and his mandibles twitched. “I'll be as stoic and silent as a krogan in a china store.” he said evenly.

Joshua stared at Garrus for a moment, trying really hard to keep a straight face, but then snickering into his hand.

Kaidan chuckled. “Stoic and silent as a krogan, huh?” he asked.

Joshua looked up at Kaidan to see he was smiling down at him. Without thinking about it he reached an arm around Kaidan's waist, resting his forehead on his hip.

“What, are krogan not quiet enough for you?” Garrus asked.

Joshua watched him, how he crossed his arms and leaned on his hip mocking annoyance. He didn't miss that Garrus was overlooking his affections towards Kaidan with great professionalism. He'd told Garrus of his feelings about Kaidan many times when he'd had too much to drink. Maybe he was just okay with it?

“Nah. Krogan are great, have you seen one take down several rachni single handedly before?” Joshua asked, smirking at him like he hadn't been there both times.

“Yeah, two actually.” Garrus told him.

There was something comforting in how they could play off of each other. He'd never had a friend like him, or many friends at all really. He felt tension he didn't know he'd been carrying leave when Garrus joked with him. And Kaidan was within reach so he could stop him from trying to run off like the day before.

He was starting to think the walk was a good idea. He felt good being out of his room.

“Um, but...”Joshua started, remembering suddenly part of why he didn't want Garrus at the physiotherapy session, “she, the therapist, does this thing where she stretches my legs and...”

“I can see how that'd be...awkward.” Garrus said, automatically catching on. “I'll step out whenever you need, no point in stressing you out.”

Joshua could have hugged him, but instead he just smiled. “Garrus, you're awesome.”

“And I didn't even shoot an enemy in the forehead from across the field.” Garrus replied lightly. “You're spoiling me.”

He flinched, he knew that he did, at the word 'shoot'. He may have even made some sort of sound, because Kaidan's fingers were suddenly off of his back and in the back of his hair. Despite the reassuring action he felt angry with himself.

What the hell kind of soldier was he that he was _afraid_ of even the mention of guns? Just the thought of them made his heart rate spike, his stomach roll. He thought of a gun in his hand, aiming it without control, feeling the trigger pull back under his finger.

“Joshua.”

He looked up from the ground, where he'd apparently been looking, and Kaidan was kneeling in front of him with his hands covering his own. At some point he'd released Kaidan's waist and started gripping his knees. Garrus stood behind him, having apparently taken a few steps across the path. He looked surprised and concerned.

“Are you breathing?” Kaidan asked calmly, much calmer than he'd expected. It must be embarrassing for him to be doing this out in the open. But he was more focused on his stomach rolling, how his hands shook.

“Yes...” he replied, but he sounded breathless even to his own ears.

The thought of the gun in his hand came to his mind again and he gagged, turning with more speed than he knew he had to throw up in the garden behind the bench.

He'd only thrown up a handful of times in his life, and every time he thought it was just as bad as the first. His stomach heaved and he really wanted to tell it that it was empty, but it didn't seem to care.

“Are you okay?” Kaidan asked him softly, but with a great deal of concern, leaning in behind him and rubbing his hand up and down his back.

Joshua spat, rubbing the back of his hand over his mouth and then his pants.

“Wonderful,” he muttered back, “next time someone tries to destroy the galaxy I'll just puke at them.” He turned around to sit on the bench properly again, his hip complaining.

Garrus stared at him, “Joshua...”

“It's fine. I guess breakfast just didn't sit right.” he lied, waiting for Garrus to call him on it because Garrus always knew when he was lying. Instead he said nothing, and when Joshua looked up he looked like he desperately wanted to say something, but couldn't.

“We should go back up to your room.” Kaidan said, voice soft yet stern to indicate he wasn't taking no as an answer. Joshua nodded, he had no complaints.

Kaidan hooked an arm around his waist and helped him to his feet while Garrus looked on in that same way. The trip back to his room was silent and long, his legs were not working well at all. When they got back Kaidan called Garrus out of the room and they disappeared.

Kaidan had left him with a kiss on the forehead and an assurance that they'd be back soon. There was no doubt that they were talking about him, and that fact alone left him with an awful chewing sensation in the pit of his stomach.

Kaidan was probably apologising for his break down, explaining that there was just something wrong with him. Garrus was probably booking passage back to Palaven as they spoke, asking how he could be Commander Shepard if he couldn't even handle the mention...of a gun.

He was in that hallway in his mind again, the dead were everywhere, the smell was...

Everything _burned, he could smell himself burning. He had his pistol, just his pistol. He felt every step fighting him, but he had to move forward...move towards..._

“No, _stop it_.” he snapped, through gritted teeth. His hands were in the blankets at the side, bunched into fists so tight he could feel his fingers biting into his palms. He did not want to be a slave to whatever his mind was doing to him.

Kaidan, at least, would be back any second and he didn't want him to think he needed to be supervised 24/7. He didn't. He just...god he was so _frustrated_. He was used to his mind and body doing whatever he told it to even if it wasn't supposed to be able to.

He was supposed to be Commander Shepard, strong of mind, body, will, skill, heart, resolve, power, and able to handle anything. Now what was he? He couldn't even stop his mind from feeding him images of the dead everywhere, the pistol in his hand, the feeling and smell of fire on his skin.

Joshua pulled his knees up to his chest and pressed his forehead against them until it hurt, fingers digging into his calves. He focused on _breathing_ rather than focusing _on_ breathing. He was falling apart and he had no idea why...he wished Kaidan hadn't left the room.

So he focused on Kaidan while he willed his lungs to work, in and out. He thought about their time together, and how much he loved him. It made him miss him, for all he'd been gone for ten minutes, but it calmed him down enough that he could stop trying to puncture holes in his legs with his fingers, and stop trying to meld his forehead to his knees.

It was a few more minutes before the door slid open. Joshua had closed his eyes and was pretty sure he'd started dozing off. He looked up as both Kaidan and Garrus entered. Upon seeing his posture Kaidan quickly handed something to Garrus, who took it without question, and crossed the room to him.

Joshua shifted, dangling his legs off of the edge of the bed so that he could wrap his arms around Kaidan's neck as Kaidan's encircled his chest. He automatically felt safer.

“Are you okay?” Kaidan asked, breathing against his neck.

“I love you.” Joshua replied in a whisper, his desperation seeping in. He hadn't answered Kaidan's question at all, but he didn't care.

“Joshua...” Kaidan sighed, but when he just squeezed him tighter Kaidan squeezed back. “I love you too.”

They stood there for a moment, Joshua only slightly aware that Garrus was also in the room, and once his grip relaxed of it's own accord Kaidan pulled away gently.

Joshua, for once, didn't feel the urge to follow Kaidan when he pulled away. Instead he felt content, Kaidan was still close just not pressed against him. Joshua turned to Garrus, who held a large muffin in his hand and looked mildly uncomfortable. Joshua was surprised he hadn't left.

Garrus held out the muffin to him. “Sorry I can't test it for poison, non-dextro food you know.”

Joshua took the muffin and held it in his hands as his mind caught up. Garrus was...apologising for setting him off in the most sideways way he'd ever seen, possibly worse than when he'd gone to Conrad Verner vigilante levels after he'd died and somehow mostly succeeded instead of trying to scam an Illium bar out of an asari matriarch.

“What good are you then?” Joshua asked with absolutely no malice, unwrapping the plastic from the muffin. He broke a piece off and popped it into his mouth. It was just a plain muffin, but he appreciated it.

“Ouch Joshua.” Garrus replied, but they were both kidding and it was obvious.

Kaidan started rubbing circles above his knee. “It was the mildest thing we could find...how are you feeling?”

Joshua looked up at Kaidan, wondering if he'd let him dodge the question, the look on his face said no, he wouldn't.

“Like I just got charged by a krogan Battlemaster.” he grumbled, looking at his muffin and picking at it.

“How long has it been like this?” Garrus asked. Judging by the look which Kaidan was giving Garrus when Joshua looked up he'd been told not to ask questions and had done so anyways. Joshua shifted back onto the bed until his knees hit the bed solidly instead of hanging.

“Since I woke up.” Joshua replied. Kaidan looked at him in disbelief, probably because he answered so easily. He just handled direct questions with a clear answer better. Through his disbelief though, Kaidan reached to brush Joshua's bangs from his forehead gently. Joshua leaned into the touch, pretty sure if he were a cat he'd be purring.

Garrus didn't look uncomfortable, but he did look like he was seriously thinking about what Joshua had just said.

Joshua broke a piece of muffin off and fed it to Kaidan, who protested for a moment, but relented when Joshua poked him in the lips with it.

“You're both gross.” Garrus told them, but he looked completely disinterested.

“Jealous.” Joshua shot back, while Kaidan looked embarrassed and tried to make eye contact with the wall on the opposite side of the room as Garrus.

“Very.” Garrus replied, crossing his arms and coming over to lean against the bed beside him and looking at him thoughtfully.

Kaidan was blushing, and it was terribly cute. Joshua wasn't sure if it was because of the affection or Garrus's reply, but it reminded him of how embarrassed Kaidan had been back on the SR-1 in the medbay after he'd wandered up to the prothean beacon. He'd wanted to kiss him then, but he'd been obviously unable to. Now however...

“Excuse me,” he said to Garrus, then tugged Kaidan closer by the waist and kissed him. He knew Garrus didn't care, he just looked away and chuckled like he was watching a pair of teenagers. When he pulled away again Kaidan was possibly even more red, which was great.

“Are you done?” Kaidan asked, so Joshua kissed him again.

“Yup.” he said. Sometimes he realised all over again that he was finally able to do these things to his heart's content and it was wonderful. He looked at Garrus, who was now watching him with amusement, “Garrus is just jealous that a certain hooded girl isn't around so that he could get 'tangled in her helmet'.”

Garrus shoved him lightly. “More like I'm shocked by the way humans are so public about their affections for each other.” he retorted. When Kaidan looked horrified he continued, “How long have _you two_ been together, one week?”

Now Joshua shoved him back, “Shut up Garrus.” he snapped, with no animosity. Garrus fixed Kaidan with a very serious look, which just made Kaidan smile awkwardly at him.

“Don't sweat it Kaidan,” Garrus said, “I've been gu—nm er...rooting for you two since Joshua started singing songs about your biotic godliness while drunk.”

Now Joshua blushed, shoving Garrus roughly with his elbow. “That never happened!” he protested, slouching forward and glaring at him defiantly.

“'His arms spark like one-thousand lightning bolts'?”

“Oh, god no! Stop that right now!” he cried, through his horror, dropping his muffin into his lap and covering his ears so he didn't have to hear it.

Garrus...probably wasn't making it up.

Kaidan was chuckling into his hand now though, trying to hide his amusement. Joshua glared at him, though there was no heat behind it and it ended up being more of a pout. Garrus looked thoroughly pleased with himself, so Joshua dropped his hands from his ears and pointed at him menacingly.

“I'm telling everyone about that time you got so drunk that you woke up still drunk and instead of sh—killing a merc you tripped over a crate and fell on your face.” It sounded a lot less menacing when he stuttered, but Garrus still managed to look alarmed.

“You wouldn't.” he said.

“I'll tell _Joker_.” Joshua threatened, the sound of Kaidan snickering egging him on.

“Oh, no don't do that, he'll make up a ton more 'bad turian solider' jokes.” Garrus protested, covering his eyes with one hand and shaking his head.

“ _And_ I'll tell them about the time you tripped over the table in the lounge and couldn't get up for ten minutes, and the time you bet me you could calibrate the main gun after ten drinks and you broke it instead, so EDI shut off your console for a week.”

Garrus glanced at Kaidan, who was practically crying from trying not to laugh, “I think we're even now, don't you?”

Joshua tugged Kaidan closer again, resting his head against his chest and looking at Garrus defiantly, “Not even close. You watch your back Garrus Vakarian. For every _one_ of your stories _I_ have ten.”

Garrus scoffed and rolled his eyes, looking away, “He _thinks_ that.”

“What was that?” Joshua challenged, feeling invincible as Kaidan started rubbing his knuckles up and down his back.

Garrus coughed and turned back to him, “Oh, nothing Joshua.” he replied innocently.

“Good.” he retorted.

They lapsed into a peaceful silence. He finished off his muffin. Every once in a while he'd look up at Kaidan, who smiled down at him adoringly. Personally, if he'd been Kaidan and heard the singing story, he'd probably have been out the door...

But Kaidan wasn't going anywhere, regardless of how he felt about the panics, and the dreams, and apparently bad singing. The realisation, which kept hitting him, made him want to cry for joy and kiss Kaidan at the same time. So he just squeezed him and nuzzled against his shoulder.

At some point Garrus had sat on the bed beside him, Joshua watched him for a moment, wondering what _he_ was still doing there. Garrus really had nothing to gain from being there with him, he couldn't joke properly with him anymore, couldn't go drinking, couldn't do anything. Joshua sighed heavily and Garrus, who had been staring into space, turned to look at him.

“I'm _really_ messed up right now, Garrus, and if you—” Joshua began, and Kaidan's hand stopped on his back. Garrus gripped his shoulder tightly.

“Don't. Don't try to send me away, 'cause I'm not going to go anywhere. I don't care if I have to move here and eat crap food for the rest of my life.” Garrus shook him slightly. He stared, still having no idea why Garrus was making so much effort. His mouth felt dry, is stomach clenched.

“Why?” he asked, his voice cracking. He cleared his throat.

“Because. You're absolutely willing to run from one side of the galaxy to the other for your friends, the Alliance, the Council, hell a completely stranger, but you can't believe that after _five years_ you have friends who actually like you.” Garrus told him sternly, releasing his shoulder and just watching him steadily.

“Oh...” Joshua dropped his gaze. That made him sound like a really distrusting, terrible friend.

“We couldn't have come with you along the way if we didn't love you, Joshua.” Kaidan put in gently. Garrus folded his arms.

“Speak for yourself Kaidan, I _just_ like him.” Garrus replied sarcastically.

Joshua chuckled awkwardly, shifting on the bed and pressing his forehead to Kaidan's chest to try to hide his beet red face.

“Kay.”

He was uncomfortable, and somehow trying to convince himself that Garrus and Kaidan were exceptions to the rule, but then there was Miranda, and Chakwas...and Joker. People he couldn't deny at least wanted to be near him for _some_ reason. Liara, Tali, Wrex, and Grunt had said he was akin to a brother to them, at some point, but he'd thought they were caught up in the moment and emotional.

Kaidan chuckled at him and patted his head.

“He's not even drunk.” Garrus said, with great amusement.

“Shut _up_ Garrus.” Joshua snapped pitifully. He felt weird and uncomfortable. He had no idea how to accept people's affections.

He _wanted_ to be able to salute, say 'yes sir' and move on with his day, but this was a friend and the last time he'd saluted Garrus he'd told him to 'put it away'. There was really no way to get around this that wasn't awkward, and there was no battle to walk off into afterwards in which he could drown the thoughts. He felt like he was warring in his head though.

He tried, in vain, to explain away Garrus's friendship, then realised the was doing wrong by Garrus in doing so. He sighed. He retreated from the safety of Kaidan's chest and glared at Garrus for a moment before it broke into a smile. As usual Garrus looked unfazed, until he smiled as well.

“Fine,” Joshua said, “You can stay but you can't move in.”

“Ah, I couldn't move in with you two anyways, you're both too...touchy for my tastes.” Garrus replied casually with a shrug.

“Garrus, shut up.” Joshua and Kaidan said at the same time, then they looked at each other and smiled. Garrus 'hmm'ed at them.

“I'll start kissing him again.” Joshua threatened, watching Garrus out of the corner of his eye. Kaidan retreated before that could happen, sitting on the chair in front of him and folding his arms.

“I'm blackmail now?” he asked, raising and eyebrow. He was joking, and Joshua knew that, so he kicked Kaidan's knee gently.

“Yes.” Joshua said, with a mostly straight face. His mouth quirked up slightly in the corner rebelliously. Kaidan chuckled at him and Garrus sighed softly.

“That's better.” he muttered. Kaidan and Joshua didn't question it, just fell comfortably silent.

Kaidan absentmindedly took hold of his leg, shifting the chair forward and bracing his foot between his legs. So he could massage his calf.

This, maybe, Joshua was okay with. He'd carried Garrus from Omega with half of his face blown off, Garrus had carried him off of the battlefield with an injury here or there, they'd both carried each other to bed after too many drinks. It was probably alright for Garrus to know that he wasn't okay, and maybe it was alright for him to actually see it too.

Joshua groaned as Kaidan massaged his calf, his head falling forward as he grimaced in discomfort.

“I'm _really_ fucked up Garrus.” he groaned.

“We're working on it Joshua, be patient.” Garrus told him, echoing something _he_ had said once a long time ago.

Joshua smiled, feeling content to just sit with his best friend and his lover in silence.

-o-

Garrus was good to his word, maintaining professional distance and stepping out when the physiotherapist announced it was time to do stretches, and when Joshua gave him any look to indicate he was uncomfortably.

When he came back in Joshua was sore and slumped forward in the wheelchair with Kaidan rubbing his back, he wandered over to them and held out a cup, “Good work Joshua.” he said with soft admiration. Joshua looked up and took the cup, sipping and finding it was coffee, which was perfect because he desperately needed it.

“Thanks.” Joshua leaned back into the chair, sighing softly. Garrus could make a joke here, something about how he'd been beaten up by a non-militant girl, but he didn't and Joshua was thankful because his pride couldn't take the hit.

“Ready to get started again?” Heather asked enthusiastically, practically bouncing over as usual. Just as he was about to nod and force himself to his feet, Garrus turned to her and shook his head.

“He needs another five.” he told her sternly, then turned back to Joshua to give him a 'try me' look.

Kaidan leaned down to his ear, “Can I get a sip of that?” he asked. Joshua, now thoroughly distracted from Garrus, looked up at Kaidan and handed the cup to him. As Kaidan took the cup and sipped he asked Garrus, “How can you tell?”

“Shoulders.” Garrus replied, nodding his chin at him, “When his shoulders are slumped like that he needs a break.”

Joshua frowned. He'd never noticed that about himself before. He sat up, squaring his shoulders.

“Nice try.” Garrus said down at him with a smirk, then looked back at Kaidan, “And it's always better to err on the side of Joshua pushing himself too far for other people's sakes.”

Joshua scowled as Kaidan ran a hand over his shoulder and handed him back his coffee. He sipped at it as Kaidan seemed to consider Garrus's words. Joshua squirmed, stuck between Garrus's piercing gaze and Kaidan undoubtedly thinking of every time he'd ever slumped his shoulders and wondering if he'd missed something important.

He looked up at Kaidan, catching his eye and getting a loving smile from him. He returned the smile with his own.

“I love you.” he told him. Kaidan pet his cheek gently and Garrus wandered over to chat with Heather.

“I know. I love you too.” Kaidan replied, looking uncertain even as he stepped around the chair to stand in front of him. “Look, I know you have trouble telling me stuff, but please let me know if you need to rest, or if you need something.”

Joshua blinked up at him for a moment. Insecurities were a funny thing. He kept tricking himself into thinking he was the only one who had them.

“You know the only reason Garrus knew that stuff was because he got me drunk so frequently, right?” Joshua asked, taking Kaidan's hand.

“Yeah, and because he paid attention and _didn't_ think you were infallible _or_ invincible.” Kaidan replied bitterly, but threaded their fingers together anyways. Joshua's gaze fell to the ground as they held hands. It hurt just a bit, knowing that Kaidan had viewed him as everyone else did. At least he didn't think that way now, he couldn't possibly.

He also didn't know what to say to make things better, because Kaidan was right. He'd been too busy saving the galaxy, Kaidan had apparently been too busy being in awe of his 'infallibility'. He shook the bitterness of the thought out of his head, determined not to dwell on it, especially since things were going right.

“We're learning, I guess?” Joshua asked. He forced himself to his feet with a groan and wrapped his free arm around Kaidan's neck. Kaidan sighed, but squeezed his hand and wrapped his free arm around Joshua's waist.

“Yeah, I guess.” he muttered. He still sounded unsure and Joshua really just wanted to stay there like they were until Kaidan felt better, but both Garrus and Heather were heading over since he was up. So, instead, he gave Kaidan a short, chaste, kiss on the lips and bumped their foreheads together gently. Kaidan looked up at him uncertainly from the spot that he'd been studying on the floor.

“It's okay.” Joshua muttered to him softly, not entirely sure what had set Kaidan off, but feeling relief when Kaidan nodded slowly and squeezed his hand again.

“We ready to get to work?” Heather asked brightly, with Garrus in toe. Joshua masked a sigh and nodded, getting ready to spend another half hour shuffling all over the room.

-o-

It was several hours later when Garrus was alone in Kaidan's apartment. It was modest, just a simple kitchen, living room, bathroom, and bedroom, but since Kaidan wasn't using it it probably didn't matter. He sat on the couch in the living room, talking to Miranda on his omnitool.

“I don't really know what to do in this case. I won't send him back to the Alliance psychologist again, no matter how recommended he came or how best of the best he is.” she told him. Garrus agreed.

Joshua very rarely had negative feelings for people. Udina, the Illusive Man, the Council, all with good reason, people he'd tried really hard to trust and been burnt for the trouble. If he had negative feelings about some Alliance Psychologist Garrus was inclined to believe him. He certainly didn't want to show up in a year's time to find that the Alliance had screwed him again, and he wouldn't put it past them now that his biggest advocate was dead and he was no longer useful to them.

But Miranda was stuck, understandably so. Joshua wouldn't just talk to anyone. She'd contacted him with the complaint that no one was right, that she'd gone through lists, asari, human, turian, and salarian and found no one alive suitable for their stubborn friend.

“It has to be a male.” Garrus told her, eliminating the entire asari species. Miranda gave him an unsure look. “Trust me,” Garrus said, “he won't trust a female. He doesn't get along with them as well, he gets caught up in social conventions and doesn't know how to communicate properly.”

“ _That_ explains a lot.” Miranda grumbled, crossing out something on her datapad.

“Can't be a turian.” Garrus added. “We're a war-set bunch and he knows that, his complex over showing weakness would make him nervous.”

“You try being almost enslaved by batarians, having your entire unit wiped out in front of you, brutally, then having the entire galaxy watching you for years and then tell me you feel comfortable showing weakness.” Miranda grumbled protectively, crossing out another something and apparently taking offence to the entire turian race on Joshua's behalf. Garrus put up his hand defensively.

“ _I_ know that, but try telling that to someone who just lived through this hell of a war and thinks that _they_ saw the worst of it.” Garrus explained, Miranda rolled her eyes. Sometimes Garrus wondered if she had developed feelings for Joshua somewhere along the way, like every other woman he met, but sometimes she seemed like a mother krogan protecting her young.

“Whatever.” she muttered. “My list is getting short Vakarian.

“It can't be anyone who will come in all star-struck over him.” Garrus added. Miranda huffed now, looking up from her datapad with her stylus hanging out of the corner of her mouth.

“Really?”

“Do you have any idea how much he hates that? It gives him about five thousand new things to blame himself for every time. That physiotherapist you hired?” Garrus asked. Miranda raised an eyebrow at him, challenging him to question her choice, so he did, “Completely enthralled with him, flirty so it makes Kaidan tense, so Joshua gets tense, and makes him feel like he should push himself because she has expectations and he needs to meet them.”

Miranda stared at him for a moment, eyes dark with disbelief until a light dawned behind them and she wrote something fervently down on the datapad.

“Shit.” she swore. “Why didn't I call you sooner?”

“Don't change her out now, he'll think he did something wrong.” Garrus warned. “As for calling me...that human expression? 'Out of sight out of mind'?”

Miranda nodded, “Accurate. If Dr. T'Soni hadn't called me with her...connections a few months ago I may have forgotten her as a resource too.”

They went silent as Miranda started looking over her remaining options and Garrus thought about his day.

Joshua was _not_ okay. He wondered if Miranda knew the extent of it. Surely she knew that his body was under quite a bit of stress, but the psychological aspects? He probably hadn't told her about them. He knew it wasn't his place to start talking about it though, it was just his job to observe so that he could keep Joshua safe and sane.

Seeing Joshua's eyes go dark with whatever waking nightmare he'd been having hadn't just been eye opening, it had been heartbreaking. Seeing Kaidan react with trained prowess in the situation told him it had happened far more than once. Joshua was ashamed of it, but Kaidan had been fiercely protective of him. He'd told Garrus, essentially, that if he was going to have any problem with it he needed to leave right away.

He didn't have any problem with it, really just wanted to get into Joshua's head and fight the nightmares for him, wished they were physical so that he could beat them. But seeing Kaidan so protective had been both a relief and a sadness. He'd been waiting for the man to step up, Joshua desperately needed it and had done for some time, but that meant that his role as crazy protective best friend was either over or needed to be shared. That, he knew, was up to Joshua.

He was really happy to see how happy and _free_ Joshua was, despite the trouble he was fighting. Garrus had never entertained the idea that Joshua was going to get out of the war without any scars, mental or physical. He'd known all along that the amount of stress Joshua had been under, the amount of stress he'd put himself under, and his unique ability to turn into an apparently feelingless blob when he had more feelings than a pubescent asari, would end up hurting him in the long run.

He had spent so much time trying to push his emotions down that they were now enacting their revenge...or something.

“Garrus,” Miranda called him back from his reverie, “would a drell be acceptable?”

“A drell...?” Garrus pondered, thinking of how quickly Joshua had taken to Thane. He missed Thane. He was pretty sure that if Thane had somehow survived the Citadel Coup and his disease and been able to join them on the Normandy that Joshua would have been better off. Joshua had got a lot quieter after Thane's death... “I think that's a good idea, if there is one.”

“There is, one.” Miranda told him, looking at her datapad thoughtfully, “Has never come directly into contact with Commander Shepard, has knowledge of Commander Shepard, but never kept up to date on his escapades. He's a licensed psychologist on Illium, as well as the Citadel. Spent a great deal of time on Illium after a very brief military service.”

He sounded good, and it sounded as if Liara had been considering exactly what they were considering when she wrote down the report. But he was apprehensive.

“He's not dying right?” Garrus asked cautiously, determined never to put Joshua in the position where he had to watch someone who was suffering without being able to save them again.

“In good health.” Miranda told him. “Doctor Reye Shaek.”

Garrus thought about that, frowning down at his knees as he considered this. Joshua had trusted Thane because he'd, obviously, been attracted to him at first. He didn't know if Thane had ever noticed, but Joshua had a habit of being obvious when he was trying not to be obvious.

He sighed, wondering if it would work. Joshua was bound to put up a fight at first, it was just inevitable, but it was probable that he'd be quicker to trust if he was with someone he could be comfortable with. Maybe he'd finally open up about how Thane's death had affected him if he was directly reminded of him on a day to day basis.

“We can try it.” Garrus agreed thoughtfully. “He may be good.”

Miranda sighed in relief. “Alright, I'll forward this to Dr. T'Soni.” She put the datapad down, rubbing her forehead in exhaustion, “Thank you Garrus.”

“Any time Miranda, don't forget to call me next time something like this happens.” he told her, stretching back into the couch.

“Oh, I won't. I believe I've learnt my lesson. There is at least one person out there who knows more about Joshua than I do.” she smiled at him, and Garrus shrugged back at her. “Good night Garrus.”

“'Night Miranda.” he replied, shutting off the call and placing his omnitool on the table. He looked around, thinking that Joshua would like the apartment once he was free to leave the hospital. He really wanted to help him, hopefully he'd just done something helpful and not hindering.


	19. Protective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh I feel really dumb, but I have to explain something so here it is:
> 
> Anyone who's been reading this fic for a while and notices/remembers details will probably remember Joshua's hip injury as having been on the left side. Well my brain sucks at lefts/rights and I've been imagining it on the right side this entire time and writing left for some strange reason. I noticed this flaw today when I was reading over this chapter and realised that Joshua was lying on the same side as the one which was supposed to be hurt and that made no sense.
> 
> So I think I've gone back and edited properly every instance of right/left hip/other injury mishaps throughout the story, but I may have missed one or two. Ahh I'm so sorry to be confusing.
> 
> To clarify: Joshua's hip injury is on his right side.

“When did you first fall in love with me?” Joshua asked suddenly on the Sunday afternoon just after Garrus’s visit had been cut short by his ride suddenly needing to return to Palaven.

Kaidan looked up from the datapad he was reading a book off of, feeling momentarily panicked. They’d come out to the gardens again, and had done so every day since Garrus had insisted on Friday. They were seated on the bench again, Kaidan settled beside Joshua and reading while Joshua was content to sit in silence and think…at least until now. He shifted to stick the datapad in his back pocket.

Kaidan, for one, knew the answer to Joshua’s dangerous and very loaded question. He’d thought about it enough over those months of sitting next to the yet unconscious Joshua, always putting it back further and further, until he’d actually managed to pin it down…but the answer had shamed him, proven that his stubborn idealism had got in the way of their relationship so many times that he could only feel stupid going back to the memory.

He didn’t want to answer and find himself faced with Joshua knowing how stupid he’d been.

“Do you remember Eden Prime, when you tried to investigate the beam?” Joshua asked him, leaning closer and resting his head on his shoulder. He apparently had no idea how leaded his question had been, seeming completely comfortable, relaxed even. He also seemed to be on a mission to make Kaidan feel humiliated and foolish.

“Yeah, thanks for reminding me.” Kaidan grumbled, running a hand over Joshua’s own hand which was resting on his knee.

“When we were back on the Normandy, in the Medbay? And I told you everything was okay-“

“Yeah, except visions which haunted you for the next several years.”

“I would have touched the beacon eventually anyways.” Joshua told him, sounding mildly frustrated. “I told you everything was okay and you got this little smile on your face and…yup.”

“Yup?” Kaidan asked, glancing over to see Joshua’s cheeks were quite pink. He’d managed to embarrass himself and it was adorable, except that Kaidan was still worried about replying.

“I love you.” Joshua replied.

Kaidan sighed. “I love you too.”

There was a long pause, and Kaidan could practically feel Joshua waiting for an answer. When it didn’t come he could feel him deflate.

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” he muttered, trying too hard to seem disinterested. Now he probably thought that Kaidan had never thought about it and _he_ felt stupid. This was not Kaidan’s intent in the slightest and now he felt like an ass.

“I um…” yes, great, start by stuttering. “When we were stuck in dock under lockdown and you went to meet Anderson to get us out…I told you what we were doing broke…about two dozen Alliance and Council regulations and you said you were willing to do anything to protect the people you loved.” Kaidan looked down at their hands, still rubbing Joshua’s gently with his thumb. Joshua would know now how many missed opportunities there had been because of him.

“On the SR-1?” Joshua asked, sounding disbelieving.

“Uh…yeah.” Kaidan admitted.

There was a long pause in which Kaidan was pretty sure he was in big trouble.

“Wow, I’m dumb.” Joshua muttered.

For a moment Kaidan just gaped at him, before remembering that this was Joshua and of course he’d come up with a way to blame himself, though Kaidan wasn’t really sure what he was blaming himself for.

“You’re not.” Kaidan replied.

“When you asked me to the Citadel I thought you were just humouring me and that you didn’t have any feelings for me at all.” Joshua said, then tensed slightly as if expecting Kaidan to be angry.

He only felt a bit of annoyance at them both, how had they both managed to screw up so badly? He was pretty sure the only reason their relationship had lasted during the war was that he’d been too busy to find an alternative and Joshua was vehemently loyal to him. And now…it was a matter of sitting by Joshua for so long and then how fiercely protective he was over his lover in his current condition. Sheer luck and circumstance had kept them together. He sort of wanted to go back to their past selves and shake them, hard.

“I think we’re both dumb.” Kaidan told Joshua, who relaxed a fraction and then snuggled closer.

Past Kaidan had definitely missed out on how affectionate and cuddly Joshua was. He’d seen hints of it in Joshua on the SR-1, in the affectionate looks and suggestive mentions of warm fires, shared blankets, and hot chocolate. Even with those hints he never would have expected that the galaxy’s toughest soldier was also a giant teddy bear.

While he mourned the loss of their time together before he also was infinitely thankful for their time together now. As hard as staying in the hospital was for Joshua, it had given them the time to sort some important things out and the forced close quarters had made them start to actually understand each other.

“How are you feeling?” Kaidan asked, pressing a kiss to the top of Joshua’s head. Joshua groaned slightly, he hated that question and Kaidan knew it, which was exactly why he kept asking it.

“Like I’m part sloth and part pin cushion.” Joshua replied, looking up at him with a slight frown on his face.

“What hurts?” Kaidan pressed, earning slightly pursed lips and Joshua sitting up like he thought that improved posture was going to prove that he was okay.

“Hip, shoulder…middle.”

“Middle?” Kaidan asked, noting the pause and looking at Joshua with concern. “Are you feeling sick?” Joshua’s reaction a few days prior had surprised him, but he hadn’t been sick since.

“No.” Joshua said, not elaborating as usual. Kaidan would have sighed at his lover’s stubbornness if he weren’t concerned, and his exasperation would only make Joshua want to hide further.

“What is it then?” he asked, watching as Joshua looked at him and then stared down at his lap for a long moment. Kaidan wasn’t sure he’d reply. Garrus’s visit had taught him that Joshua only really answered direct questions, but he had a point where he’d simply shut off and stop answering those too.

But Joshua started lifting his shirt, tugging it up to reveal the nasty thick scar which ran across his belly. Miranda had told him she was pretty sure it was where Harbinger’s beam had cut him. The scar itself was still red and angry, having been one of his more severe wounds. Medigel alone hadn’t been able to heal it and so it had scarred quite badly.

Joshua poked it with a few fingers and winced, answering through action what he didn’t want to in words. Kaidan settled his hand over Joshua’s, aware this was a new revelation and that Joshua had probably been hiding it before then. Getting frustrated or angry wouldn’t help, even though he did feel frustrated that Joshua kept hiding things from him.

“How bad is it?” he asked, aware that he probably would have noticed sooner if he hadn’t been trying to avoid paying attention to the scar.

“It hurts if I bend or move too much. Mostly it just aches.” Joshua explained, lifting his hand and letting his shirt fall back down. Kaidan leaned over and rested his chin on Joshua’s shoulder, his free arm going around his waist and tugging him closer as Joshua threaded their fingers together.

“Joshua, do you trust me?” Kaidan asked, despite the fact that he knew it was probably a bad idea.

“Yes.” Joshua replied instantly, even though he tensed up in Kaidan’s arms. Kaidan sighed softly, knowing full well that he’d just made Joshua very uncomfortable.

“Then why don’t you tell me these things right away?” Kaidan pressed. He was still a bit sore over Garrus’s visit, how he’d managed to get information out of Joshua so easily and just knew important things about what he needed. He’d also known Joshua’s coffee preferences. Kaidan didn’t even think turians drank coffee.

But Joshua had now gone completely silent, he was toying with Kaidan’s fingers in lieu of the Normandy or the turian cruiser which was now on his bedside table. It was a nervous habit Kaidan wasn’t even sure Joshua knew he had and it told him that Joshua had either never thought about it and was now feeling badly, or that he was thinking about it too hard now.

Kaidan sat up slightly, shifting his arm to Joshua’s shoulders and squeezing slightly. From his shifted position he could see how troubled Joshua looked.

“I _do_ trust you.” Joshua insisted softly in that voice which made him sound like a kicked puppy. Kaidan sighed, pulling his hand out of Joshua’s twisting ones and cupping his cheek so he could ease Joshua’s gaze up from the concrete and turn him to face him. Joshua looked up at him, his chin still tilted down.

“Alright.” Kaidan said. This man could face down charging krogan, but couldn’t handle any emotional turmoil what-soever. It was both a little bit endearing and a lot frustrating.

“You just…” Joshua groaned, pulling out of Kaidan’s hold and pushing himself to his feet. He was doing far better with the walking, but Kaidan had to restrain the urge to get up and sit him right back down again. He limped heavily as he paced, having left his crutch on the bench. “You just don’t go up to the turian councillor and whine at him because you stubbed your toe.”

A sky car travelled by, giving Kaidan a moment to grasp Joshua’s words.

“Are you comparing me to the turian councillor or your wound from where a reaper _cut you with a laser_ to a stubbed toe?”

Joshua turned and gave him a look which said he’d missed the entire point.

“It’s all relative isn’t it?” Joshua replied, sounding slightly frustrated. “If I start whining about this and that now, what will bother me later?”

Kaidan sighed, rubbing a hand down his face. “So this is still connected to your weakness thing…” Kaidan said, looking Joshua in the eyes and finding he could see the panic in there. He stood, tugging Joshua by the hips up against him and then running his fingers with one hand down his cheek as he held him with the other. Thank god so few people used the gardens in winter. Joshua scowled at him. “I _want_ you to tell me these things.” he insisted softly.

“I know that.” Joshua told him, his scowl faltering. “I just don’t know how yet.”

Kaidan smiled lopsidedly. He could have just said that to start with, but instead he’d taken the long way of explaining things as usual. Of course it made sense. Joshua was a man of action, so he wasn’t great at putting things into words. Even though he was good at diplomacy and good at standing his ground when he had a goal or a mission, he wasn’t good at explaining himself or his feelings.

Kaidan knew that. He’d seen it more than once.

“Then we’ll work on it?” Kaidan offered.

“I’ll do whatever you want me to.” Joshua replied.

For a moment Kaidan was taken aback, unsure if Joshua was making promises he couldn’t keep because he was off balance, and a bit mad that Joshua was lying regardless. But then he saw the seriousness in Joshua’s face and heard the sincerity in his tone and wondered if he meant it in his heart.

If Joshua meant it, truly wanted to be able to do whatever Kaidan wanted, he couldn’t be angry at him.

So Kaidan chuckled. “You could kiss me.” he said, half joking, and Joshua kissed him with fire, pressing his body against him at the same time. Lips pressed heatedly against his, slightly parted. Kaidan returned the kiss, coaxing Joshua’s tongue into his mouth, but he didn’t mistake the fire for desire.

Joshua’s reaction to his advances, minor as they were, five days prior had put him on the alert for that. He kept his hands on Joshua’s hips even as Joshua’s found their way just under his t-shirt and rested on his belly. He couldn’t help the way his muscles contracted at the touch, but he could break the kiss and move his hands so that his arms were around Joshua’s neck and he could snuggle him close.

Joshua made a small noise of protest, but Kaidan knew his limits and wasn’t going to push them. They were still in public anyways and he wasn’t going to go any further. Joshua’s hands shifted and found his back pockets, one hand slipping under the datapad. Kaidan felt his chin rest over his shoulder and tug like he had an odd habit of doing.

“I do trust you.” Joshua repeated softly into his ear.

Kaidan sighed and pulled back, brushing a stray hair out of Joshua’s serious looking face. Garrus had mentioned the lack of gel in Joshua’s hair two days before and he’d been forced to go pick some up. Joshua had kept his hair slicked back since, to Kaidan’s disappointment. He just looked so much younger with his bangs hanging into his face.

He just hadn’t found the nerve to tell Joshua that he preferred him like that. He was concerned that Joshua would take it personally if he started criticising his appearance…which was the same thing that Joshua was having trouble with just in different dressing. Suddenly he felt like a hypocrite.

“I know, I’m sorry.” Kaidan said apologetically. He knew that _he_ trusted Joshua, despite feeling like he was unable to tell him things sometimes. He needed to trust that Joshua trusted him, despite sometimes being unable to tell _him_ things.

A small smile grew on Joshua’s face, just the slightest crook of his lips. “Still jealous of Garrus?”

“Nope.” Kaidan told him, though it was sort of a lie. “He’s not here, _I_ am.”

“I’m tired of standing.” Joshua said suddenly, and surprised Kaidan by the frankness of the statement.

“Oh er…do you want to go back to your room?” He wasn’t used to Joshua announcing things like he had just done, and it took him a moment to recognise that he was trying to prove that he _could_ tell him things.

“Can we still go down to dinner later?” Joshua asked, as Kaidan pulled away and turned to grab Joshua’s crutch.

“Sure. Why wouldn’t we?” he asked, turning back around to find Joshua looking apprehensive. He handed Joshua his crutch and they started heading back to his room. Kaidan set himself up next to him in case he needed to lean on him.

“I thought…” Joshua started, then fell silent. Kaidan watched as Joshua’s gaze hit the ground and his lips pressed together as he struggled with his words. “I thought maybe if I told you I was too tired to stand right now you might think I would also be too tired later.”

Kaidan pulled the door on the side of the hospital open, holding it for Joshua and thinking his thought process sort of made sense. He’d done that before after all.

“I think you’re getting strong enough to recover after a short rest.” he replied as he followed Joshua through the door.

“Commander Shepard!” a sharp female voice called, startling Kaidan and putting him on high alert. He reached for a gun which was not at his hip, stepping up next to Joshua who was watching a straight laced, well-dressed, attractive woman approach them. Not a doctor then, with her suit and the hovering camera following along beside her. “I knew it! That nurse was trying to hide it, but I _knew_ that man wasn’t lying, journalistic instincts you know.”

Kaidan glanced back at the very white face nurse who the woman had been talking to, she scurried off. He wanted to throttle the ‘journalist’, but a glimpse at Joshua showed he’d gone stone faced and professionally tense. It made Kaidan wonder if she should interfere.

“Commander Shepard,” the reporter continued, “how long have you been staying at this hospital?” Now she was sticking an omnitool mic in Joshua’s face. Kaidan was just about ready to fight her, but Joshua spoke and threw him off.

“Just over ten months…who are you?” Joshua frowned at her, his voice well trained and steady, but something was definitely wrong. His tone was slightly higher than usual, and pinched, like he was panicking. Kaidan wasn’t sure he would have caught it if he didn’t know his lover’s voice as well, as it was the woman didn’t realise and continued with the wave of her free hand.

“Oh, my mistake, this is just so exciting! I’m Lola Lovett with Westerlund News. So, tell me, the entire world has believed you were killed on the Citadel after you fired the Crucible, but reports have been coming from patients released from this hospital that you _were_ in fact alive, why all the secrecy?”

Kaidan clenched his teeth, about to interrupt this little charade, and about ready to go through the list of every patient discharged in the past ten months and pay them all a visit, but Joshua replied _again_ , “Up until a few weeks ago I was in a coma.” Suddenly his stance was at-ease, his feet shoulder length apart and his hands clasped behind his back like it was second nature. The crutch, yet unnoticed by the reporter, was balanced against his side. Somehow his right leg was handling the strain. “I believe this was done for my benefit, with the hopes that I would heal better in privacy.”

Anyone else was seeing Commander Shepard, strong as ever and still speaking with a diplomatic tongue. Kaidan saw his lip twitch downwards just slightly, still heard the unrest in his tone. Yet he hesitated, caught in between wanting to tell this woman to clear off and letting Joshua do this on his own.

“I see, I can only imagine how catastrophic those injuries must have been.” the reporter replied, trying to sound sympathetic and instead just sounding hollow. “Can you take us back to that fateful day?”

“What?” the panic in Joshua’s tone was undeniable. The reporter gave him a pitying look, like he was slow. Kaidan braced himself, hands clenching into fists at his side, certain Joshua knew exactly what the woman was asking for.

“The last day of the Reaper War, the crucible, the Citadel-“

“I-“

That was the moment that two sets of very angry biotics reaved the camera the woman was using and slammed it from the ceiling to the floor at the same time, leaving dust and shards in their wake.

The red cleared from Kaidan’s vision just in time to see the reporter staring in shock between himself and Miranda, who was standing at the other end of the hall encased in blue, much like he was, and looking furious. There was a man standing next to her who typed something into his omnitool and pointed it at the bewildered reporter. Her omnitool made an odd squealing noise, and then sparks began erupting from it. She gasped in shock and dropped it.

“What do you think you’re doing?” she demanded.

Kaidan glanced next to him, Joshua was breathing sharply through his nose, his jaw clenched, his hands, still clasped behind his back, shook, he stood stiff, his face haunted.

“Get out.” Kaidan growled angrily, turning back to the woman.

“And move quickly.” Miranda added, sounding calmer, but sauntering up behind her and looking dangerous. “Now.”

Kaidan had seen quite a bit of Miranda in the last few months and only once before had he seen her look quite so murderous, at the Cerberus base Sanctuary on Horizon. Her corona snapped and lashed out slightly and for once Kaidan was glad that biotics were so often misunderstood, because where he saw Miranda’s emotions affecting her control the woman must have seen dangerous intent because she fled. No snarky parting words or anything, just gone like a shot down the hall.

Miranda’s expression turned into one of concern as she dismissed the man who had been with her. Kaidan turned to Joshua, still frozen with that haunted look on his face. He put a hand on Joshua’s shoulder.

“Hey, Joshua, are you okay?” he asked, and when he got no response he stepped in front of him. “Joshua.”

Joshua looked at him, but saw right through him.

“Kaidan let’s get him out of here.” Miranda instructed, remarkably calm considering her previous anger and the fact that Joshua was dangerously close to having a break down in the hallway.

Kaidan took Joshua’s arm and tried to pull him forward, aware that he still wasn’t putting enough weight on the crutch, but he refused to move and made a soft strangled noise in the back of his throat. All he could see in Joshua’s eyes was cold terror.

Aware that there were people entering the hallway now, possibly curious about the commotion, possibly just going about their day, Kaidan stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Joshua’s neck. He was determined to pull Joshua out of his panic. He pulled him close, feeling Joshua’s arms go around him in a vice grip.

“I can’t do it.” Joshua whispered, voice tense and high with panic. Kaidan was going to reave that woman in two if he ever saw her again.

“Do what Joshua?” Kaidan asked gently, running fingers blue with the mildest of his biotics through the hair on Joshua’s neck. He figured if it had worked before it may work now, considering that Joshua wasn’t nearly as deep into his panic as he had been the last time he’d use this technique. Joshua’s shoulders twitched, apparently reacting to the touch.

“Go back. Please. Don’t make me.” he begged, his voice pitched high with panic and breaking slightly as he spoke.

Kaidan leaned back to look him in the eye, even as the arms around him tightened more. Kaidan thought his ribs may break.

“You never have to go back.” he told Joshua softly, but with conviction. He ran a hand down the side of Joshua’s face, soft sparks like static electricity following his touch. Joshua closed his eyes, leaning into the touch. A single tear leaked out from the corner of his eye, Kaidan brushed it away before anyone else could see. His heart broke at the sight of it. He hated seeing Joshua so helpless to his own mind.

Joshua took a shuddering breath, opening his eyes again and looking much more focused on where he was.

“Kaidan?” he asked, voice cracking as he shifted and began leaning heavily on both his crutch and against Kaidan.

“Yes love?” Kaidan asked, focused entirely on Joshua and not aware that Miranda was affording them privacy by glaring at the occupants of the hallway. He was paying more attention to the fact that Joshua was barely holding his own weight up.

Joshua took another sharp breath, though it sounded like he sniffed a little as well. “I want to go back to my room. Please…”

“Whatever you want Joshua.” Kaidan replied, pulling him close again. “Miranda, could you grab a wheelchair for us?” he asked without turning around. He could tell from the way Joshua was leaning on him that he wouldn’t be able to make it back to his room on foot. His leg was shaking slightly even with the weight taken off of it, muscle fatigue settling in.

“Absolutely.” she answered, he listened to her retreating footsteps.

“I’m so sorry, I should have stepped in sooner.” Kaidan muttered softly. “I just…tricked myself into thinking you were okay and could handle it…which was stupid. I’m sorry.”

Joshua squeezed him, forehead resting on his shoulder. “Please don’t think that I can’t do anything anymore.”

“No, of course not, but is it alright for me to think you might need me a bit, just to help you right now?”

There was a short pause.

“Alright, here. Now let’s get him back to his room.” Miranda had returned and in lieu of a response Joshua released him and limped over to the chair she’d brought. Kaidan turned, holding his elbow to help guide him until he turned around and sat heavily in the chair, his right leg going straight. He was obviously in pain, Kaidan hadn’t seen that reaction to standing in almost a week now.

Kaidan followed as Miranda pushed the chair. Joshua reached up with his hand and Kaidan took it and squeezed.

“If that woman comes back I’m leaving a reporter strain all over the hallway.” Miranda grumbled.

“Really? That’s generous. I wasn’t planning on leaving anything.” Kaidan replied darkly.

“She was just doing her job.” Joshua offered diplomatically from his chair, but the exhaustion hollowed out any real conviction behind his tone.

“Not in my hospital she’s not.” Miranda told him. “Especially not while breaking laws on patient safety. I’d like to know who let her in here.”

“You’ll know soon enough.” Kaidan told her as they entered the lift. He felt an odd comradery with her knowing that she was willing to put her protectiveness over Joshua into action. He was also certain that if Garrus had been there the woman wouldn’t have got away with less than a few broken bones.

“I may already. I sent my assistant off to collect all the information from the entrances from the past few hours. If the sensor didn’t catch anything, the cameras will have.” Miranda explained, looking down at Joshua with concern. He wondered if he was about to be pulled aside for questions and demands as to why he hadn’t told her about his panics before. Instead as they stepped out of the lift she said, “I’ve found you a new psychologist, he should be here by tomorrow afternoon so your physiotherapy is in the morning. If things go well I’ll let you leave tomorrow evening, into Kaidan’s care.”

Kaidan’s stomach clenched with excitement. Finally he’d be able to have Joshua to himself completely. He was almost excited about having the opportunity to really care for him, realising he’d need to order some sort of food delivery so there would actually be food in the fridge to eat.

He was so excited he wondered if he was getting ahead of himself, Joshua had agreed already to come with him, but he still wondered if Joshua was as excited about it as he was. When he’d agreed, he’d almost seemed apprehensive, or at least unsure what the commitment entailed. He wondered if he shouldn’t offer him an alternative.

But Joshua turned to look up at him with a tired yet brilliant smile. Apparently yes, he was as excited about it as he was. Kaidan returned the smile, feeling warm and affectionate.

“Miranda, I’ll do handstands if they want me to.” Joshua said.

“He, and if he tells you to do handstands I’ll fire him.” Miranda replied as they finally reached Joshua’s room again.

“So will I.” Kaidan added.

-o-

It was a little while later, after Miranda had gone back to her office to figure out just who had let “Lola Lovett” into the hospital, Joshua lay in his bed with his back to Kaidan, not because he was trying to ignore him, but because he was exhausted and his hip hurt so badly he couldn’t lie on it. Kaidan knew as much, Joshua’s face had screwed up with pain when he’d tried to lie on his right side.

Kaidan looked up from his datapad, wondering if Joshua had finally fallen asleep. He stood up, gently leaning over the bed to try and see if Joshua was sleeping. Joshua groaned softly.

“Sorry, did I wake you up?” Kaidan asked, running a hand over Joshua’s hip. His buttock, thigh, and calf were all tense as rock.

“I can’t sleep…” Joshua replied miserably. Kaidan squeezed Joshua’s hip gently, trying to massage the tenseness out of it without breaking any boundaries and touching Joshua somewhere he’d feel uncomfortable. Joshua groaned in response. “It hurts.”

Kaidan gritted his teeth, feeling momentary anger wash over him at the events from earlier. He took a deep breath and it passed. “Do you want me to get you some pain killers?”

He expected an outright objection, for Joshua to tell him ‘no’ just like all the other times he’d asked this same question, but instead he got the slightest of nods. Joshua turned his head to look over his shoulder at Kaidan, still looking exhausted and miserable. Kaidan sighed softly, leaning down to kiss him gently on the temple.

“I’ll be back in a minute, you…you try to get some rest.” Kaidan told him softly, turning to head to the door.

“We can still go down to the cafeteria for dinner…right?” Joshua asked hesitantly, and when Kaidan turned around to look at him he’d gone back to facing the window. Kaidan didn’t know why he was so fixated on eating outside his room. If he really wanted he could just bring the food up from the cafeteria, but he couldn’t turn his back on what he’d said earlier, he didn’t want to hurt Joshua’s feelings.

“Yeah, I don’t see why not.” he replied, opening the door and heading off to get Joshua some pain medication.

It was a bit backwards, Kaidan recognised as he returned with the medication in hand, usually Joshua went off to get something for Kaidan’s headaches. Joshua was so used to taking care of others, he wondered if he’d ever truly be okay with others taking care of him.

As he re-entered the room Joshua rolled onto his back, groaning softly. Kaidan offered him a reassuring smile and got a tired one in return.

Once the pain medication was taken, and Joshua looked a lot more relaxed, Kaidan started massaging his calf gently. He’d started doing it automatically one day, and when Joshua hadn’t protested he’d continued doing it. It wasn’t just something which seemed to help Joshua with his muscle spasms, it seemed to relax him as well.

Joshua had his head rested back into his pillows, the bed laid flat for the moment though it could be tilted upwards at any moment. Kaidan could just see the expression on his face, far more relaxed and his eyes closed. For several moments they stayed in silence, Joshua just groaning softly when he found a particularly tight knot, and Kaidan focusing on his task.

He was starting to move up to Joshua’s upper calf when Joshua spoke, his voice slightly slurred like he was going to fall asleep.

“It’s okay…for you to think I need you.” he muttered. Kaidan paused, looking up at Joshua and trying not to let his mouth fall open. He hadn’t expected an answer to his earlier question, so much so that he’d almost forgotten he’d asked it. “I…do. Need you.”

Kaidan was so overcome with pride that Joshua had even vocalised an answer to his question that he bent forward and kissed his shin gently. Joshua flexed his toes and Kaidan smiled, straightening again and looked up to find Joshua watching him.

“For now.” Kaidan assured Joshua, wanting him to know that he didn’t think he was useless. He just wanted Joshua to let him protect him, which was a tall order considering Joshua had spent the last several years protecting everyone else.

“Forever, I just…” Joshua shifted. Kaidan let him pull his leg out of his hold and watched as he leaned over to find the remote for the bed, tilting it into a reclined sitting position. When he lay back down again Kaidan continued his ministrations. “I want you to need me too…”

“I do Joshua.” Kaidan replied, without thought. The memory of being slung gently over a strong shoulder while he was at his weakest swimming in his mind. He’d needed Joshua many times, and he’d come through for every one of them- even the ones he hadn’t realised at first.

“But I’m useless right now.” Joshua protested, turning his head to the side and flexing his calf muscle against Kaidan’s fingers with a groan.

“Relax.” Kaidan murmured, and he did just a bit. “You’re not useless. And there have been plenty of times in the past when you needed me and I wasn’t there.” When Joshua opened his mouth to argue Kaidan gave him a pointed look. “This is my chance to redeem myself.”

Joshua pouted, not arguing with him, but looking like he wanted to. Kaidan moved over to the side of the bed, running his fingers in circles on the sides of Joshua’s thigh just above his knee. The pain medication had helped him relax a little bit, but he was still stiff.

Joshua groaned again, covering his face with his hands and pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes.

“Can I continue?” Kaidan asked, not wanting to push too far. Joshua peaked out with one eye from under his hands, looking a bit confused.

“Yeah, why?”

“Just making sure.” he replied, trying not to bring attention to the ‘incident’ several days prior. It hadn’t been Joshua’s fault and he didn’t want him to feel guilty about it. He was still unsure whether he should be impressed or exasperated at Joshua’s ability to blame himself for everything.

Joshua grunted as he continued and pressed the heel of his hand into the front of Joshua’s thigh, but he relaxed into the bed, letting his hands fall back to his sides.

“I can’t do anything, can I?” Joshua asked, sounding miserable.

“If you’re referring to actually being able to do anything, no, you can’t, no person can. If you’re referring to what just happened in the hallway…I don’t know what to say Joshua. You can do plenty of things, but talking to the general public about…whatever right now?” he glanced up at Joshua, who was looking at him desperately. “I don’t want you to talk to them.”

Joshua frowned and Kaidan paused in his work to reach over and run his fingers along Joshua’s hair line, leaning in to kiss him gently.

“Why?” Joshua asked, as he pulled away. “I always had to talk to them before.”

“Because, I want you to have all the time in the world to sort out your feelings. Without people making assumptions and thinking that they know you. Call me selfish, but I want to keep you from them.” Kaidan told him, earning a frown from Joshua before he looked thoughtful, and then a smile tugged at his lips.

“Okay.” he said simply. Kaidan smiled at him gently.

“And next time I notice you’re distressed I’ll step in sooner.” he added, wanting to make it clear that he wasn’t going to stand on the sidelines and let people do as they pleased anymore. Joshua was no longer his commanding officer, and he wanted to be the one to protect him from now on. The smile on Joshua’s face faltered slightly, but didn’t go away. “Are you all right with that?”

“To be honest…that’s something I wanted…for a really long time.” Joshua told him, to his surprise. It made him wonder how many times Joshua had led a conversation, desperately waiting for someone else to step in and just _help him_ and no one had. Probably more times than he could count.

Kaidan kissed him again, eyes slipping shut, gently pressing their lips together. “I’ll protect you, no matter what.”

“I’ll protect you too.” Joshua replied, his lips brushing Kaidan’s as he spoke.

Kaidan smiled, pulling away from Joshua’s lips to return to the task at hand. His thigh was still rather tense, and he wanted to massage it out before attempting to go down for dinner.


	20. Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh there's a bit of traumatic stuff from Mindoir mentioned in this chapter, so it's quite angst and drama.  
> It took me a while to write because I'm relearning how to use a pen (long story) sorry about that!

Joshua hadn’t slept well the night before, despite the medication which had induced his sleep. He’d still dreamt, constantly, of that hallway, of the driving urge to continue on, of the bodies strewn everywhere, the smell, the burning in his skin, the feeling of his armour melted to him. Yet no matter how far he’d walked, each step an agony, he’d never reached the end of the hallway, instead wandering for hours in the pain, feeling like his goal would never be reached.

Any time he’d tried to force himself to wake he’d been pulled down again by the medication.

When he woke the next morning, though he’d slept, he felt terrible. His skin still burnt in some places as if he were still standing in the hallway.

He rolled over, turning against Kaidan and pressing his head against his chest with his eyes tightly shut. Kaidan, who may or may not have been sleeping when this happened, shuffled slightly and started petting his hair.

“Hey…hey what’s wrong?” he asked, and Joshua replied by shaking his head and slipping his arms around him so he could pull him closer.

He’d been unsteady since the…incident in the hallway the day before, even at dinner he’d been twitchy and constantly looking over his shoulders. Kaidan had noticed, and urged him to return to his room sooner. He hadn’t protested, feeling safer seeing the four walls and being able to monitor the door.

Kaidan had tried to step out to do something just after dinner and he’d grabbed him and asked him not to leave. He’d felt like he was right back at square one, even though it hadn’t been so much about Kaidan not coming back and more about being alone for any amount of time.

Kaidan sighed softly, still petting his hair gently and tugging his head closer with his chin. Kaidan wanted him to trust him with things, be able to tell him why stuff like this happened and what he was thinking about when he felt like he was feeling.

“Bad dreams.” he finally muttered, finding his voice was surprisingly neutral for how jittery and high strung his body and mind felt.

“After yesterday I’m not surprised.” Kaidan said, voice full of understanding. Joshua snuggled closer, turning his head so it was laying on Kaidan’s chest instead of pressing against it.

“Sometimes I get this feeling in my chest…like I really don’t want to be where I am…but I don’t know where I’d like to be either.” Joshua told him, not even sure why he’d said it. But it was true. He didn’t want to be in the hospital anymore, he wanted to be somewhere else completely, and he just didn’t know where he wanted to be instead. He just knew he really wanted to be wherever that place was.

Kaidan shuffled slightly, moving so that he had his arm around Joshua’s shoulders instead of just petting his hair. Joshua felt safe here, like even if a reaper somehow found its way into the room Kaidan would be able to keep him safe from it. He closed his eyes again, waiting for Kaidan to question the odd thought process which he’d suddenly decided to share for no reason.

“Well think about it.” Kaidan said. “What comes to mind when you think of it?”

Joshua smiled, he was starting to enjoy it rather than feel surprised when Kaidan proved his worries wrong. He thought maybe he would have benefited if he’d just let Kaidan prove he was wrong when they were on the Normandy together.

He thought about Kaidan’s question, trying to settle on a place, but having a seriously hard time with it. The first thing which came to mind was his little farm on Mindoir, his mother and father, and the safety he’d felt as a small child. But that was naïve and stupid, Mindoir as he knew it was gone and his parents gone with it. He’d never go back there. He also thought of the Normandy, briefly, but quickly pushed that idea away because nothing on the Normandy had ever been his, he didn’t have the option of just walking aboard it and staying a while.

He thought of Captain Anderson, but the thought of him caused his stomach to roll and he pushed that away in favour of paying attention to the warmth of Kaidan’s hold around him. He’d tensed slightly, and in reply Kaidan had gently kissed the top of his head. It was easier to pretend like everything was okay when Kaidan was holding him like this, like his entire body wasn’t raising a mutiny against him.

“I don’t know.” he replied finally, feeling like he’d failed Kaidan by being unable to answer him properly. Kaidan, though, didn’t seem to mind. He just hummed softly and then shrugged slightly.

“I’m sure we’ll figure it out eventually Joshua.” he told him, not sounding the least bit disappointed that Joshua had failed his little thought exercise.

He glanced around the room, finally bothering to take in the level of light seeping through the blinds to figure out what time of the morning it was. He’d been waking up before 6 every morning like clockwork, even though he was sure that Kaidan wanted to sleep more. The sleeping pills forced him to come awake slower, however, and he was pretty sure it was probably closer to 7 now.

“Why don’t they start serving breakfast until 8:30?” Joshua asked, a bit of a whine creeping into his tone. Kaidan chuckled softly, Joshua enjoyed the feeling of it against his ear.

“Because most people aren’t up and out of bed until 7 or 8, or after.” Kaidan told him, though he’d already known that was the answer. Joshua pouted, rolling over so he was on his front and looking up at Kaidan with his chin resting on his chest.

“Well I want breakfast now.” he complained. It wasn’t so hard, he was finding, to just tell Kaidan things. He sort of liked complaining at him, mostly because Kaidan got this little half smile with raised brows like he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to indulge him or tell him off. That was the look he had on his face now, even as his free hand found its way to his bangs and began petting his hair.

He liked the feeling of Kaidan’s fingers in his hair, he’d missed it the past few days with his hair gelled back. No one wanted to touch gelled hair, but he felt unkempt without it. Garrus had mentioned it, no doubt as a joke, but he’d felt like it was just one more thing to prove that something wasn’t right with him. Even if he’d just started doing it because some drill sergeant had taken insult to him in N7 training and told him his hair made him look dirty.

“If things go well today…you can have breakfast whenever you want tomorrow.” Kaidan told him, sounding a bit nervous as he spoke. Joshua beamed, remembering Miranda’s words from the day before.

“I don’t think I know how to cook.” Joshua told him, still ecstatic that he’d be able to have the option. Kaidan frowned slightly, and there was a short pause.

“You told me you had a roommate on Arcturus to taught you.” he said, sounding a bit confused. Joshua glanced away, remembering that conversation and wincing slightly. He’d said that.

“He _tried_ to teach me.” Joshua amended, feeling a pit of nerves in his gut. How many times had he lied to Kaidan by omission, or straight out lied to him, that he’d have to fix now that he felt more open about talking with him?

For a moment Kaidan looked a bit upset, like frustration and disappointment were warring inside him, but then he just sighed and nodded slowly. “Tried to teach you.” he repeated softly.

“I…” he wasn’t sure if Kaidan wanted an elaboration, but he was getting it anyways. “I’ve never been really good at cooking for myself, and this roommate,” whose name he couldn’t even remember anymore, “noticed all I’d been eating was sandwiches. He wanted me to be able to fend for myself and I guess he took pity on me…but I never paid any attention to him. Or anything really, back then.”

It had been so soon after Akuze that he’d just been existing, trying hard to throw himself into his training so that he could do something instead of being stuck in his head with his thoughts. He’d worked so hard at N7 that he’d graduated at the top of his division. Everyone had thought he was trying to prove he had earned the metals he’d been awarded for Akuze, but it was more like he had been trying to run away from them and what they meant.

It was ironic that every time he tried to run from a past event he ran smack dab into a new event.

“I guess that makes sense.” Kaidan said finally, and Joshua realised he had obviously been thinking quite hard. He looked up and saw the look of uncertainty on Kaidan’s face, so he moved up Kaidan’s chest until he could press a gentle kiss to his lips. The arm which had been under Kaidan, and was threatening to fall asleep, now bracing himself beside Kaidan’s head.

“I’m sorry I lied to you.” he said, unsure if he should really be outright admitting he had lied…but he didn’t want Kaidan to think he was hiding it either. He’d been caught, and even if he was currently working very hard to make sure he never did anything like that to Kaidan again he still had to own his past mistakes.

He kissed Kaidan again, his free hand going to thread through the hair at the back of Kaidan’s head and pull him up into it. Kaidan shifted slightly, one hand going to rest on the back of his neck and the other settling on his hip.

When Joshua licked his lip Kaidan broke the kiss, just like he’d done the day before when he’d tried to deepen the kiss in the garden. He’d understood then, he’d got caught up in the moment, but now he was a bit confused. It showed on his face.

“Why did you lie?” Kaidan asked, sounding more curious than chastising. “I just wanted to know if you liked cooking.” He frowned, tilting his head.

Because he was ridiculous, that was why.

“Because…I thought if I said I wasn’t interested you’d get bored and want to leave.” he admitted, swallowing nervously and pulling away from Kaidan so he could sit beside him on the bed. Kaidan sighed, rubbing a hand down his face. Joshua couldn’t tell if he was feeling exasperated because of his reasoning, or for another reason entirely.

The same hand which Kaidan had just been running down his face found its way to Joshua’s thigh and started drawing circles there.

“You _really_ though I wasn’t sticking around didn’t you…” it wasn’t a question, it was obvious by now exactly how he’d felt. Still, Kaidan sounded disappointed.

“Sorry.” Joshua grumbled, pulling a knee up to his chest, resting his chin on it, and staring at the end of the bed. He thought maybe now was the time to stop telling Kaidan things in case he stuck his foot in it again.

“So am I.” Kaidan said. Joshua glanced over at him, thinking about what he’d said the day before about having feelings about him since the SR-1 and wondering if that’s what he meant. He’d been so reluctant to share the information, Joshua was just sorry he wasn’t observant enough to have noticed it all along.

“It wasn’t you.” Joshua said, resting his hand beside him on the bed and feeling anxious until Kaidan took it gently in his.

“I definitely didn’t help, storming off on Horizon and then attacking you constantly on Mars…and then I pointed a gun at you.” Kaidan said, sitting up as well.

Joshua clenched his teeth slightly. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

Kaidan’s hand left his, instead he wrapped his arm around his shoulders.

“I know.” Kaidan said understandingly.

Joshua stared at his knee. He wanted to be able to tell Kaidan how he felt about all of that, but the memories still hurt. He didn’t want to say anything he’d regret later. The fact that Kaidan understood just made it worse, he wanted to say everything even more because of it.

“Come here.” Kaidan said, gripping both of his shoulders and tugging gently. Joshua went easily, pulled against Kaidan’s chest and curling up against him. His legs intertwined with Kaidan’s and he was pulled back to lie on the bed again.

He snuggled closer, enjoying being in Kaidan’s arms for a minute before he started feeling badly again. Then Kaidan kissed him on the head and he felt better. He closed his eyes, feeling ready to sleep again even though he’d just woken up.

“Get some sleep.” Kaidan said softly, starting to pet his hair again. “Just a bit more, I’ll be here to keep you safe.”

Joshua believed him, nodding sleepily and then quickly falling asleep again.

-o-

The fact that there was a drell sitting in the psychologist’s office waiting for him when he entered was more than a bit of a shock for him. For a moment he just stared, Miranda was hovering over the man’s shoulder with her arms crossed looking at him appraisingly. He certainly couldn’t just announce to the world that he was momentarily struck because he was reminded of Thane and it hurt. It was really racist to be reminded of someone just because of someone’s race.

Still, after he’d stood there for a moment too long Kaidan pressed a hand against his lower back. “Joshua?” he asked, sounding a bit unsure by the sudden halt in Joshua’s stride. Joshua looked over his shoulder at him, rather him than the unnamed man sitting in what had been Dr. Wakeham’s chair.

“Hmm?” he asked, like he hadn’t just been blocking the door for the better part of two minutes and stopped midsentence.

“Are…you okay?” Kaidan asked, hand rubbing slow circles on his back reassuringly.

“Please, enter Mr. Shepard.” the drell said from his chair, snapping Joshua’s attention back to him as he did so. Joshua frowned, wondering if this was a trick.

“Fine.” he replied to Kaidan tensely, stepping over the threshold of the office and looking around with his frown firmly in place. “The chair is gone.” It hadn’t occurred to him that the chair may have been Dr. Wakeham’s.

“I decided it would be better to seat you on a shared seat with Mr. Alenko,” he was told.

Joshua looked up at Miranda, who nodded her affirmative at him so he limped over and sat down on the couch which had replaced the overstuffed chair and set his crutch against the armrest. The couch was more comfortable, vaguely reminded him of the couch in the apartment on the Citadel.

Joshua stared at various points around the room now, anywhere but at the man who Miranda was standing behind. His gaze settled on the window, as it often did when he desperately wanted to be away from where he was.

“I am Reye Shaek, Mr. Shepard.” Dr. Shaek introduced himself, drawing Joshua’s gaze away from the window.

“Joshua Shepard.” he said, even though the man obviously already knew his name, and stood with his hand extended. Shaek stood as well, an easy smile on his lips as he took Joshua’s hand and shook it. Joshua placed a marker of difference in his and Thane’s handshakes, Thane’s had been much stronger.

“I know.” he said goodnaturedly, situating himself back in his chair as Joshua sat back on the couch. He had forgotten for a moment that his hip was absolutely killing him today, and regretted it on the way back down. He groaned. “But,” Shaek continued. “Besides that and a short debrief of the incident yesterday, I do not know much more beyond what news stories and reports tell us...and we all know that those are hardly trustworthy.”

Joshua nodded lamely, not entirely sure what Shaek meant, but liking him already for his clear dislike of the media. They definitely shared that.

He glanced over at Kaidan, who was looking at Miranda intently and seemed like he was trying to communicate with her in silence.

“This means that he doesn’t have any of your reports, or your files Joshua.” Miranda clarified finally. “He is not Alliance, obviously, a completely neutral party.”

Joshua frowned again. “I don’t quite follow.”

“I know very little of the details of your journeys, you will have to fill me in.” Shaek explained gently. Joshua felt an unwelcome knot in his belly. He felt like a terrible person for being reminded of Thane at all, they didn’t even really look that similar. This drell had lighter skin than Thane had had, and his fringe was a completely different shape.

“So…you want me to tell you my life story?” Joshua asked, feeling unsure until Kaidan settled a hand on his leg and began rubbing gently. The knot in his belly immediately undid itself, and Joshua was able to relax in the presence of someone who wasn’t military.

“If that is what you want me to listen to. I am here to be an ear for you to talk to, who can help you overcome some of the demons which I hear have been plaguing you.” Shaek explained. Miranda looked entirely too pleased with herself.

“So I can tell you…what…anything?”

“Essentially.”

Miranda smiled, slowly making her way around Shaek’s chair and standing just to the side of him. “I have work to do Joshua, but please, cooperate. And tell me how everything goes later,” the last part of her statement was said to Shaek, apparently she didn’t trust him to report back honestly. The man nodded respectfully, almost a bow, as she walked past and out the door without waiting for another word.

Joshua’s gaze found the floor, unsure what to do or say once Miranda was gone. The explanation had been clear enough, they just wanted him to talk, but what was he supposed to talk about? Kaidan’s hand was still rubbing circles on his leg, thank god or his brain may have stopped working entirely. He felt like he at least had a slight ground to Earth.

“So,” Shaek began. “I have a basic understanding of what you are, you are a soldier for the Alliance military, and a Council Spectre, but _who_ are you?”

Joshua looked up, his head still tilted towards the floor and his brain automatically grinding to a halt. He didn’t know who he was, he had enough trouble answering that question for himself on a daily basis and now he was being expected to answer it for a complete stranger? He shrugged, shifting slightly on the couch so he was leaning just a bit away from Kaidan without realising it, partially he was trying to relieve the pressure on his hip, and partially he didn’t really want to answer the question so he was curling into himself.

Shaek smiled, like he’d already been expecting that answer. He stood and grabbed a clipboard off of his desk, as well as a pen, and sat back down before writing something on the paper.

“What did you just write?” Joshua demanded, feeling the anxiety of not knowing rising up and being unable to catch it before the words left his mouth.

“Subject has trust issues,” Shaek said calmly.

“What, I don’t-!”

Kaidan cleared his throat, usually silent once these things started, and Joshua turned to look at him with wide eyes. Kaidan looked at him with a raised eyebrow. His indignance left him instantly, because he knew it was true and he couldn’t argue with Kaidan on that fact after the conversations they’d had over the past few days.

“You may ask me about anything I write, Mr. Shepard, I only write these notes for my own sake, if you wish to know their contents I will disclose them to you,” Shaek explained, writing something else on his paper as he spoke.

“Will you show them to Miranda?” Joshua asked, feeling badly that he didn’t want to share everything with her. He just didn’t want her to know his feelings, it was hard enough handling her on a day to day basis with her knowing everything else about him.

“Not unless you ask me to.”

He sighed in relief, shifting again on the couch to try and make the insistent aching in his hip go away. Kaidan looked at him in concern.

“You want me to go grab you some painkillers?” Kaidan asked, glancing down at his hip knowingly.

“Yeah, please.” Joshua replied, giving Kaidan an apologetic look. Kaidan just smiled at him gently, standing with one leg still kneeling on the couch and kissing him on the forehead gently.

“I’ll be right back.” he said, voice soft enough that only he could hear. It calmed him, the way Kaidan said it with such assuredness. He stood up, nodding to Shaek and heading out the door.

The doctor was looking at him with a great deal of understanding when he looked back from the door to him.

“He seems nice,” Shaek told him.

“He _is_ nice,” Joshua said back, affection strong in his chest.

“Tell me about him.”

“What, about Kaidan?” Joshua asked, frowning at the doctor who now had a soft smile on his lips.

“Yes. How long have you known him?”

“We met just before shakedown on the SR-1…sorry, the first SSV Normandy. He seemed really capable, he was supposed to be staff lieutenant, but he always seemed like he was meant for far above his rank,” Joshua replied, finding to his own surprise that he’d answered more than what was asked of him.

“He seems to take care of you,” Shaek commented, jotting something down in his notes.

“He’s…” Joshua turned to stare at the door. “He’s everything. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him.”

“How do you mean?” Shaek asked, sounding genuinely interested. He didn’t sound bored, or like he was being forced to hear Joshua’s words. It made the anxiety which sat in the pit of his stomach untie a bit.

“I had nothing to fight for when he wasn’t around. People kept asking me why I did the things I did and I couldn’t answer. I…there was a suicide mission, after the first Normandy had been destroyed, we went through the Omega 4 relay and…I really didn’t plan to come back.” Joshua looked at the floor, his fingers finding the edge of the couch cushion and playing with it.

“This was during your time with…Cerberus?” Shaek asked. Joshua’s stomach clenched, expecting judgement, he just nodded his head quickly and briefly and then focused on a spot in the carpet. He heard Shaek’s pen. “Why did you not plan to return?”

Joshua looked up, feeling shock at the neutral tone of Shaek’s voice, even in his expression and eyes he could see no judgement, no distain. “I—well… I figured that was it, I’d betrayed the Alliance, betrayed Kaidan, I thought there was no point in coming back.”

“But you did come back.”

“Yeah, and I got awarded with six months behind bars for it.” Joshua snapped, then reeled himself in. How was he talking to this man like they were friends? He hoped that he wasn’t superimposing Thane on this man. That would be a terrible thing to do, and completely unfair. “S-Sorry.”

“No need. That must have been terribly frustrating for you, after all you’d done to try and secure the safety of the galaxy. To be punished when all you had in mind was the safety of everyone else…must have been painful.”

“Yeah, it was.” Joshua replied bitterly, before he could stop himself. “I lost people I cared about, I fought with everything I had, and every time I told them what was coming they told me I was delusional…and when I was proven right they all _still_ …”

The door to the office opened again and Joshua looked up, eyes wide in surprise as he watched Kaidan entered the room again. His jaw had been clenched so tightly it had started to hurt, he noticed.

Kaidan frowned at him. “Did I interrupt something?” he asked, crossing the room and handing the medication to Joshua. Joshua looked up at him, then at the doctor, wondering how they’d gotten from the topic of Kaidan to the topic of well…everything, without him noticing.

Shaek just wrote something in his notes.

“No…no uh…” Joshua shook his head slightly, he couldn’t seem to understand why he had been so fired up a moment ago, feeling entirely disarmed in Kaidan’s presence. He took the medication, watching as Kaidan sat back down and settled an arm over his shoulders. “We were just discussing some things.”

Kaidan looked over at Shaek, then back at Joshua. Joshua frowned at him in confusion.

“Do not worry Mr. Shepard, you will not get in trouble for expression of emotions in this room. I understand that the human military often takes issue with these things, however you are safe in this room.” Shaek told him gently.

Joshua glanced at him, the frown still firm on his face before he looked back at Kaidan.

“You don’t have to tell me Joshua, not unless you want to.” Kaidan told him, using the hand he was holding him with to run through the mostly ungelled hair on the side of his head. Joshua leaned into the touch, his eyes closing as he relaxed again.

“So, let us continue.” Shaek said softly, his voice tinged with humour.

Joshua practically jumped out of his skin, caught up in Kaidan for a bit longer than he should have been. He was very tired.

He turned back to the drell again, wondering how on Earth he’d managed to get so much information out of him so easily. Thane had been biotic, not psychic, and he was pretty sure that other drell were not psychic either, yet he felt oddly disarmed by this man and his acceptance, and his genuine interest.

“With what?” Joshua asked, his tone making it obvious that he’d lost his momentum and didn’t know how to start up again. Shaek’s smile was gentle and understanding. He glanced at Kaidan for a moment, probably wondering if he’d help or hinder the appointment. Joshua responded by taking hold of Kaidan’s free hand and squeezing it.

“You could elaborate, on how you felt when neither the Council nor the Alliance would believe your words.” Shaek prompted, tapping his pen against his clipboard rhythmically. Joshua looked at it rather than making eye contact as he spoke.

“I felt…I tried _so hard_ to bring any evidence I could, practically brought them a damn reaper to their doorstep…and the Council dismissed me and the Alliance put me in time out, essentially,” he muttered bitterly. “‘Go fight off the geth in the Traverse’, because there were _so many_ geth in the traverse. I wouldn’t have ended up in Cerberus hands if they’d believed me, I wouldn’t have _died_ if they’d just…” Joshua trailed off, suddenly aware that Kaidan’s hand had stopped moving, and that his lover was tense.

He snapped his mouth shut, gaze finding the floor. There was a reason he didn’t talk about these things with just anyone. For all he tried his best to make good and right decisions and defend Alliance and Council decisions, he had so much anger at his core for both the Council and the Alliance. He hated ‘I told you so’s and he was one giant walking one and it was _their_ fault.

He felt nerves settle in his stomach, thought he might be sick. Bad mouthing the Alliance was at the very top of Kaidan’s ‘get in trouble quick’ list. He didn’t want that, not today, not when he may be discharged finally and have nowhere to go if Kaidan decided.

So his mind back tracked. He curled forward slightly, shoulders hunched and hands clasped tightly as they hung between his knees. Kaidan had already shifted, removing his arm from Joshua’s shoulders and turning toward him slightly. Joshua could imagine how displeased he must look.

“I could have tried harder.” he muttered, a far cry from his slightly fretful tone mere moments before. He heard the doctor shift in his chair, heard the pen start moving. “I…” he grit his teeth. “I could have tried to find more information. I…People died because I didn’t do a good enough job and then I allied myself with terrorists and…”

Arms encircled him and tugged him until he was pulled against Kaidan’s chest. He blinked numbly as he shifted his legs so he was sitting sideways on the couch. Kaidan’s scent calmed his nerves.

“God…just _stop_ ,” Kaidan muttered, tucking his chin over Joshua’s head.

Joshua swallowed thickly, noticed his hands had started shaking. He didn’t know what to do. Should he pull away and keep rambling? Even though his mouth had stopped moving his brain was still helpfully providing him with all sorts of reasons why he was to blame. Shaek’s pen had stopped.

“Maybe it was punishment for screwing up on Virmire…” he muttered numbly, before he could reel it in.

Kaidan squeezed him like he wanted to hit him. “ _Stop,_ ” he snapped sharply. Joshua ground his teeth together to stop any more stray thoughts from escaping, yet wanting desperately to say them all so that someone else could hear them for once. Kaidan pulled away, taking hold of Joshua’s chin and forcing him to look up. “I may be an Alliance soldier, but I’m your lover _first_ ,” he insisted, frustration evident in his tone. Joshua opened his mouth to argue, but Kaidan continued, “and after all’s been said and done, you’re right, we would have been better prepared if we’d all just listened, myself included, so stop.”

Joshua frowned, leaning forward and resting his forehead on Kaidan’s collarbone, keenly aware that Shaek was watching them, though he was not writing.

“But…I screwed up.” he mumbled, his mind not as willing to release him from its low as it had been from his high.

“Nope.” Kaidan said frankly, resting his chin on his head again and turning slightly. Joshua wondered if he was making eye contact with the doctor and apologising for the hold up. “We’re still here.”

“I would say,” Shaek put in. “That there is a big difference between a mistake here and there and ‘screwing up’.” Joshua turned his head so that he could look at the man as he spoke, but hell if he was going to pull away from the safety and comfort of Kaidan’s arms. “I would agree with Mr. Alenko that, if you truly had messed up, _none_ of us would be here.”

Joshua felt his cheeks colour, and desperately wanted to disagree, but the look on Shaek’s face was one of reassured understanding, and Kaidan’s arms were warm and safe. There was no way that Kaidan would feel so safe if he didn’t believe what he was saying. He was blatantly aware that he should probably feel self-conscious, showing so much affection in front of a stranger, but couldn’t be bothered.

“Sh…Should we talk about…why I feel like I screwed up?” Joshua asked uncertainly.

“Mr. Shepard this is your space, we will talk about whatever you feel like talking about.” Shaek told him, marking something on his paper. “But, if you were asking my opinion…yes, I believe that is one thing we should discuss.”

Joshua blinked as Shaek looked up at him from the paper again. “Okay,” he replied. He sat up slowly, pulling reluctantly out of Kaidan’s hold and settling under his arm as he sat up properly on the couch again.

“And when you are ready, your panics should probably be addressed as well.”

He found his gaze on the floor again, feeling like he’d been punched in the gut. “I-“ his throat closed.

“When _you_ are ready. Do not fear that I will ask you to speak of it before then,” Shaek told him sternly, somehow correctly guessing that he would have worried about it.

“Kay,” Joshua replied tensely. Kaidan squeezed his shoulder.

“Now, I do have a question for you,” Shaek said calmly. Joshua looked up at him warily, half expecting him to ask him to ‘take them back to that day’. “Why did you join the Alliance?”

Joshua frowned in surprise at the question, knowing the answer, but not why Shaek wanted it. “Because of Cap—“ forget being punched in the gut, now he felt like he’d been punched in the lung. Every shred of air in his lungs suddenly felt useless. Kaidan squeezed his shoulders reassuringly. He took a breath, it didn’t help much. He forced himself to answer the question with, “Because the Alliance saved me from Mindoir,” but it wasn’t quite true.

Originally he’d blamed the Alliance for its failure to respond quickly to the distress signals that Mindoir had sent out, he’d wanted to be a merc and prove he could take care of himself and screw the Alliance anyways. He’d happened to meet Captain Anderson, who had dissuaded him from joining a merc group and probably saved his life. They’d wanted to use him as cannon fodder. The Alliance had only sort of used him as cannon fodder, at least they’d given him the armour to take the shots.

But every time he thought about Anderson his entire body seemed to try to shut down. He thought of a pistol in his hand, the edges of his vision ripping like waves. He shook his head, hard enough to hurt, and hid his once again shaking hands between his thighs.

Shaek, having watched his display, said nothing about it and continued, “Mindoir, a human colony?”

“Yes, I was born there.” Joshua said, feeling like he’d been doused in cold water.

“There was an attack there, by batarian salvers, wasn’t there?” Shaek asked calmly, like he already knew and was just prompting Joshua to answer. Joshua nodded, then shrugged and leaned against the arm of the couch, pulling out of Kaidan’s reach subconsciously.

“They killed anyone they saw unfit for cranial implants,” he muttered mechanically, having repeated this enough times when he was much younger to spit it out now. “My mother and father died trying to protect the farm…and my little sister got in the way of a b-bullet when she got out of my arms and tried to get to my parents,” his heart felt heavy and empty at the same time as he spoke, having learnt to tell the story like it wasn’t his to distance himself from the pain of the memories.

“Sister?” he heard Kaidan ask from a distance, like he was hearing through someone else’s ears. Kaidan sounded surprised, but his voice was measured, quiet, like he wasn’t sure he was supposed to be talking.

All at once Joshua felt like he’d been stabbed in the chest. He was used to being asked to tell his story, relaying his short and relatively painless version of it, and then being told ‘I’m sorry for your losses and being sent on his way. But Kaidan, who had known part of the story and probably now felt like he’d been keeping the other parts from him, was asking for clarification.

“Yeah,” he replied softly, his voice cracking. “Mom and Dad told me to keep a strong hold on her and to run, but I looked back when…when they shot…” he cleared his throat. “When they shot them and she…” Just like that he was telling a part of the story he’d never told before and it was his again. He was twelve years old, standing in the burning fields and buildings around him, hearing people screaming, crying out for his sister to return. He tried to take a steadying breath, but it didn’t take, instead it hitched and turned into a sob. Almost eighteen years later and the wound ripped right open again. “I tried to go back and get her, but they sh-shot me too and I-“ He looked up from the floor at Shaek, his voice high pitched with panic.

The drell watched him with an unfamiliar look on his face, holding out a box of tissues which Joshua couldn’t bring himself to reach out for. He was more interested in keeping his arms wrapped around his middle, where they’d found themselves. One hand was pressed to his side where the scar from that shot had been before Cerberus put him back together.

Joshua sniffed, uncertain when his sob had turned into actual tears, but he watched as Kaidan grabbed the box and took a tissue, he turned, looking at Kaidan’s face and letting him rub his tears away with it.

“Shh, Joshua, it’s okay.” Kaidan muttered softly, running the tissue gently over each eye. It just made it worse, Kaidan being gentle and the look on his face. Joshua shook his head.

“I-It’s not.” Joshua whimpered, shaking his head again. He was twelve all over again. “I should have kept running, I should have…I can still hear her scream Kaidan…”

Kaidan inhaled sharply, glancing briefly at the doctor and then deciding whatever he was going to do was for the best anyways and wrapping his arms tightly around Joshua’s shoulders and tugging him over again, shifting so he was lying on the couch with Joshua in his arms. Joshua sniffed, trying desperately to stem the tide of tears. He had never cried so much in his whole life. Even after the incident he’d managed to keep his suffering internal.

With one of Kaidan’s arms around his back and the other around his head, he tried his hardest to relax, to take rhythmic breathes, to put his calming down exercises into practise. The angle was hurting his hip, so he shifted and curled up sideways against Kaidan’s chest, looking at the doctor who was writing something on his clipboard again.

“What are you writing?” Kaidan asked softly, sounding vaguely angry.

“Do not worry Mr. Alenko, I am drawing something, not writing.” Shaek said softly, “This is not my conversation, I have no reason to take notes on it.”

“You started it though.” Kaidan said sternly, holding onto Joshua protectively and squeezing him. Joshua wasn’t sure how, but he wanted to get closer to Kaidan. Kaidan’s protectiveness didn’t stop how raw he was feeling, his tears now falling and soaking Kaidan’s shirt, but he felt safe. Like he was allowed to feel raw.

“It is…my job.” Shaek said regretfully. “Mr. Shepard, I am truly sorry.”

Joshua shook his head, not sure what he was supposed to say. “I-I suppose it _is_ your job,” he muttered miserably. Shaek looked at Kaidan expectantly, and for a few moments they just sat in silence while Joshua sniffled and tried desperately to calm himself down.

“You were just twelve when the attacks on Mindoir happened right?” Kaidan asked softly. Joshua nodded, gritting his teeth slightly. Kaidan leaned over slightly to get a better look at his face and ran the tissue down his cheek. Joshua sniffled. “How old was…uh…your sister?”

“Six…and a half.” Joshua chuckled sadly. “She was always obsessed with that half. When she turned six, the day after, she started adding ‘half’ to it.”

“You never spoke about her before.” Kaidan told him, resting his chin on his head.

“I never spoke about any of them…” Joshua replied. Kaidan sighed, then nodded his head slightly.

“I’m sorry,” Kaidan said, though Joshua wasn’t sure what for. “What was her name?”

Joshua sucked in a sharp breath. He shook his head, clenched his teeth and closed his eyes tightly as if it would keep out the memory. He didn’t want Kaidan to know, because Kaidan was smart and would make the same connections he’d made and know…everything. But if he didn’t tell Kaidan, he’d just end up having another situation like this, where he mentioned something he hadn’t realised wasn’t common knowledge and confusing him. Kaidan probably thought he’d kept his past from him on purpose, but he hadn’t. If he didn’t say anything now then he _would_ be keeping it from him on purpose.

“A-Ashlyn,” he muttered.

It was Kaidan’s turn to suck in a breath. “Oh Joshua…” he whispered, burying his nose in Joshua’s hair despite the gel that was in it.

Shaek stood up slowly, Joshua opened his eyes when he heard him shuffling. The doctor smiled at him gently and rounded his desk to sit behind it rather than on the chair in front of it. Shaek began to write something on a completely separate leaflet of paper, silently giving them at least a moment of almost privacy.

“I…” Joshua swallowed around the lump in his throat. “I don’t want to be here anymore.”

“Yeah, I know,” Kaidan nodded slowly. “Doctor, I don’t know how much time we have left, but…”

“Only about twenty minutes. We can end early, we’ve made a great deal of progress today, considering this is just day one.” Shaek said kindly, flourishing slightly on the paper with his pen.

Joshua snorted derisively. “All I did was get angry and then cry a lot,” he grumbled.

Shaek chuckled, shaking his head slightly. “Sometimes, Mr. Shepard, that is progress. You are sure you wish to end now?” he asked. Joshua nodded and Shaek stood again. “I will leave you two here then, please take your time. I have some forms to deliver to Ms. Lawson. I leave him in your capable hands, Mr. Alenko. It was a great pleasure to meet both of you.”

“Thanks.” Kaidan said, squeezing Joshua gently as Shaek bowed slightly and then left the room. Joshua just managed to nod mutely.

They sat in silence for some time, Joshua swinging between almost calming himself down and then stumbling onto another painful memory and winding himself up again. Kaidan kept the tissue box close, dabbing away any stray tears he could catch.

“I love you.” Joshua muttered, looking up at Kaidan uncertainly. Kaidan smiled at him lopsidedly, sympathy in his eyes.

“I love you too Joshua, so much. I’m so sorry…it wasn’t your fault you know. You couldn’t have…you were just a kid.” Kaidan’s voice was soft, yet firm.

Joshua didn’t say anything, but his lip wobbled. It _was_ his fault, if he’d just listened to what his parents had told him he would at least have his sister. He’d convinced himself of that a long time ago, a young boy in a group home curled up on a hard bed and searching for a reason to hate himself because if he didn’t hate himself he’d have to hate everyone around him.

Kaidan sighed softly, his head falling sideways against the couch. Joshua continued to look up at him, head resting against his shoulder. He squeezed the arm which was wrapped around him.

“I kind of…liked him...the doctor,” Joshua admitted, nodding slowly. Kaidan sat up again, having relaxed back against the couch arm, and squeezed him snuggly.

“I’m so glad…I know it’s not going to be easy Joshua, but…I’m so glad you can talk to him,” the relief in Kaidan’s voice was obvious, and Joshua smiled tiredly. He felt like he was winning doubly if this made Kaidan feel better too. Even though he felt like he was exhausted, he felt…better.

“Let’s go back to your room Joshua, tonight we get to go home.”

Joshua’s chest clenched. “I…I would like to go home.” He sniffed. He desperately wanted to go home. Everything he’d been through up until this point had been worth it, if it meant he got to go home. He was pretty sure that anywhere with Kaidan was home, but if he got to have a place, a real place, to call home, he wouldn’t mind it at all.


	21. Out of the Hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh this chapter is about ten pages longer than usual (which is why it took so long) sorry about that. >.>
> 
> I've also been really busy recently, trying to get all the last pieces of my year of study in Japan trip worked out, so that's what been causing my lag in updates. Apologies.

Joshua had probably worked a bit too hard, Kaidan thought. He wasn’t sure if it was Joshua’s determination to be discharged from the hospital which had spurned the tide of information he’d given to Dr. Shaek, but as a result of it he’d spent the rest of the day despondent and reserved. While Joshua had listened well to Heather, even trying to walk without the crutch a bit and nodding when she’d said he should try to get around Kaidan’s apartment without using it, he hadn’t seemed all there.

Kaidan had been relieved that Joshua was finally talking, even if his own bad reaction to said talking had almost shut it down completely. But now, after a short checkup and a bout of paper work, with Joshua dozing next to him in the taxi, he wondered if bringing up every tough memory which Joshua had gone through was necessary to solve the current problem. It just seemed like torture.

As the taxi pulled up to his apartment Joshua came awake again slowly, with his eyes fluttering slightly. Kaidan ran his fingers through his hair, which he hadn’t put gel into after his shower after the physiotherapy. He groaned, shifting from his resting spot on Kaidan’s shoulder.

“Morning,” Kaidan said affectionately, reaching over to collect Joshua’s duffel bag and his own.

“Why is it I can only fall asleep in not-beds?” Joshua asked softly, rubbing his hand over his face as Kaidan handed the driver his credit chit. The driver took his credit chit, ran it, and handed it back to him with a polite nod.

“Several months of sleeping anywhere but your bed could do that.” Kaidan offered helpfully, climbing out and around the sky-car to help Joshua out of the other side. Joshua was already staring off into space again when he got there, absentmindedly thanking the driver as he climbed out. He took hold of Kaidan’s arm as he offered it while looking at their surroundings, tugging his crutch out of the car with him.

Kaidan thanked the driver as well and the man gave them a casual salute before driving off. He’d been courteous, one slightly breathless, “I-is that Commander Shepard?” after Joshua had fallen asleep before leaving Kaidan to his own devices.

Kaidan was glad that this was one of the better restored parts of the city, there were yet places where buildings were in ruins and some places still had power and water issues. He could just imagine Joshua’s reaction to being brought home to rubble… Speaking of home, Joshua was already looking rather intently at the front doors of the building.

Kaidan chuckled softly, squeezing Joshua’s arm, hefting the duffels higher on his shoulder, and leading the way through the front doors and to the lift.

“What floor are you on?” Joshua asked, before he could push the button.

“Twenty,” Kaidan replied. Joshua whistled and pushed the button for him. He smiled at his lover, feeling protective and unbalanced, and _excited_ at the same time. Joshua wasn’t saying anything, but the tightness of the hold on his arm and the way he was looking with clear wide eyes at everything told him he was feeling similar.

When the doors to the lift opened to the grey walls and ugly brown carpet Kaidan felt a bit embarrassed. The building certainly wasn’t special, just what was left standing the straightest after the war.

“It’s not much,” he told Joshua as he slipped his key through the lock. The door slid open and they were greeted by the short hallway which split off into the kitchen, bathroom, and living room and ended with the bedroom. The floors were plain wood, the walls a boring off white. The apartment was small, maybe the size of half of the bottom floor of Joshua’s apartment on the Citadel. But despite his concern, Joshua’s eyes lit up as he released him and took a step into the apartment.

“This is perfect,” he said, awe slipping into his voice and making Kaidan feel a bit sheepish at the praise.

“Uh, yeah.” He stepped forward, kicking off his shoes and readjusting the bags on his shoulder again. He motioned between the small kitchen, which opened to a small dining area that subsequently led into the living room, and then the small bathroom. “Kitchen and bathroom,” he explained as he wandered slowly down the hall. He heard Joshua kick off his shoes and continued, motioning to the living room which was only separated from the kitchen by a thin wall. “Living room.” He opened the door to the bedroom and stepping in, settling the duffel bags down on the bed.

Joshua followed him in, he listened to him limp after him down the hall and into the bedroom just after him. He was just about to say something dorky about the tour being completed when Joshua gasped softly. He heard the sound of the crutch being leaned against the dresser.

“You kept them…” he heard Joshua breathe with a wavering voice. He knew exactly what he was talking about and turned around to see Joshua hovering over the collection of models on the dresser. He picked up the reaper he’d assembled months before. One of its legs had broken off when the Normandy crashed and Kaidan had been unable to find it.

When Joshua turned to him he expected some sort of smile on his face, but instead he looked like he was going to cry again.

“Joshua what…” he abandoned the duffel bags and crossed the very short distance to his clearly distressed lover.

“D-dammit,” Joshua muttered. “Why am I crying _now_?” he asked exasperatedly as he set the model back down behind him.

Kaidan smiled in a way that he sincerely hoped was reassuring. His lover was clearly feeling far more off balance than he was. He pulled Joshua forward by the back of the neck, his other hand finding the small of his back. Joshua came to him easily and Kaidan was thankful for their few centimetre height difference which made it possible for Joshua to comfortably slip his arms under Kaidan’s, grip the back of his shirt, and rest his head on his collarbone.

Joshua’s sniffles turned into badly hidden sobs.

“You’re alright,” he whispered gently.

“But Kaidan,” Joshua protested. “I’m a fully frown man, this is stupid.”

Kaidan shook his head and rested his chin on the top of Joshua’s head. Seeing Joshua cry was odd for him, sure, he’d never actually seen him cry before, but he was certainly not being stupid.

Earlier he’d seen a twelve year old boy who’d been outrunning the death of his mother, father, and sister for so long that he’d grown up and been overwhelmed when the memories finally caught up. Now he saw a tired soldier who’d had an emotionally taxing day and could no longer hide by leaving his helmet on and disappearing up the lift to his cabin for hours with the doors locked.

“You’re human Joshua, and you’ve had a long day, it’s okay.” Screw society and its views of soldiers and men anyways. While it was hard and a bit painful for him to see Joshua undone like he was, shutting him off now would only do more damage. It wasn’t about himself anyways, it was about Joshua and the fact that he was finally letting himself express how he was feeling, even if he was exasperated by his own expressions.

“It’s just…the models, they were the only thing I really had for a long time…and I thought they were gone and I thought I didn’t care but…” Joshua took a sharp breath, Kaidan started running his hand up and down his back.

Rambling was also something he hadn’t experienced very much of from Joshua. He was used to answers being short, clipped, and sometimes obviously rehearsed. The rambling was probably the only way Joshua could express the thoughts he had tried to ignore, all others sorted and compartmentalised before they were expressed while these were a mess. It meant he was getting the truth, but it also meant his thoughts were slightly disjointed and that random information accidentally slipped out. Like about his sister.

Kaidan had never known that Joshua had a sister, he’d never mentioned her before and what he had been able to get of Joshua’s file hadn’t either. He desperately wanted to ask about her, but after his reaction earlier and his continued reaction now he couldn’t bring himself to do it. It had definitely explained some things and answered some questions he’d had over the years.

Why Joshua had flinched on Eden Prime when Ashley introduced herself, why he’d always seemed physically incapable of really connecting to the girls on the Normandy, and withdrawn when they said he was akin to a brother to them, why he refused to call Ashley ‘Ash’ and why he’d been so quick to shut down any talk of her death after Virmire. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that he’d seen his little sister in her, which also made his decision to rescue him instead of her that much more profound.

Now he wanted to know why all over again.

“It’s fine Joshua,” he replied gently, instead of bombarding his finally calming lover with his new one thousand questions.

“It’s only fine ‘cause you’re here,” Joshua told him miserably. Despite the situation and _everything,_ Kaidan’s chest swelled with just about the best feeling he’d ever had. He squeezed Joshua tightly, the only way he could feel the emotion without bursting into tears himself.

“I love you, _so_ much,” he said, shifting so that he could bury his nose in Joshua’s neck and take a deep breath of his scent. “And I’m not going anywhere.”

“I love you too,” Joshua muttered into his neck. Kaidan could hear the exhaustion in his voice. The day had been too long for his young lover.

Reluctantly he pulled away, turning to the duffels and going into Joshua’s to grab his models from the hospital out of it. They were all that was really in there, besides a few shirts and pants which had been borrowed from him in the first place and both his N7 hoodie and jacket. He set the Normandy, smaller than Joshua’s original SR-1 and 2 models, and the third of his turian cruisers onto the dresser while Joshua watched.

“What would you like for dinner?” Kaidan asked, patting Joshua’s hip as he walked past and out of the room. As usual Joshua turned with him, like he had a gravitational pull or something, and followed him to the living room where Kaidan flopped on the couch unceremoniously.

“Uhm.” Joshua looked around the room for a moment, like he didn’t know what to do. He stood awkwardly in the doorway.

“There’s no actual food in the fridge yet, but there are a few delivery places open nearby,” Kaidan offered, watching Joshua eying the windows lining the opposite wall. “We can grab some groceries tomorrow… Joshua what are you doing? Sit down.”

Joshua looked at him, a sheepish smile spreading on his face. He sat down slowly on the couch beside him, leaning against him and resting his head on his shoulder.

“Anything’s good,” he muttered sleepily.

“What were you doing?” Kaidan asked again, curious if he could actually get an answer from him.

“Waiting to be offered a seat.”

Joshua had been in the military for too long. Kaidan snorted.

“Don’t be silly, this is your house too.”

“Not used to places not being peoples’ offices or quarters.” Joshua continued, his voice slurring slightly. He was falling asleep again. Kaidan smiled, wrapping an arm around Joshua’s shoulders and nodding even though Joshua’s slowly drooping shut eyes couldn’t see it.

“I know,” he said softly.

Just like that Joshua was asleep again. He was right, he did do better at falling asleep in ‘not-beds’. Kaidan was content to just let him sleep, even if it meant he may not sleep later. The fact that Joshua hadn’t slept well the night before had been made clear by his tossing and turning and how he’d woken up. He wasn’t going to take away the opportunity for him to sleep now.

He turned on the TV on low volume and watched in silence while Joshua slept on his shoulder. He knew _he_ was hungry, but suspected that Joshua was going to try to skip dinner. He wasn’t going to let him, but he knew he still wouldn’t eat much. So after a few minutes he shifted, trying to get up without waking Joshua and failing. As he stood up and tried to angle Joshua back against the couch his eyes opened blearily.

“Shh,” he hushed him softly, taking the chance to ease him into lying down completely and resting his head on the arm rest. “I’ll be back in a minute, I’m just getting dinner.”

Joshua nodded sleepily. “Not hungry,” he mumbled.

“I’m sure,” Kaidan replied. Joshua already seemed to have fallen asleep again by the time he got to the kitchen. He had a few delivery menus stuck to the fridge. It didn’t take him much time to decide on Chinese. It was simple, easy, and it would make it easier to coax Joshua into eating by loading up his own plate and feeding him from it.

He settled back on the couch down by Joshua’s feet once he had ordered. The food was 40 minutes out and he was pretty sure Joshua would sleep through all of the wait. He was certain that it said something that Joshua could already fall asleep so easily in his- _their_ home. He knew all too well that Joshua could forgo sleep for days if he felt unsafe, stressed, or uncomfortable.

As it was he was curled up with his head on the armrest, fast asleep. Even Kaidan gently brushing his fingers up and down his shin only made him twitch slightly and curl up more. Kaidan smiled at him, loving him and the fact that he was finally out of the hospital, being able to see him on his couch even if it wasn’t _really_ his couch.

After a few more minutes of just watching Joshua sleep he turned off the TV and went into the bedroom to unpack their duffel bags. It didn’t take him very long at all to conclude that Joshua didn’t own enough clothes at all. As enticing as it was to see Joshua wearing his clothes, his lover was slimmer than he was and so borrowed pants hung low on his hips, Joshua really needed his own. He’d caught some of the nurses ogling him and he really didn’t want to have to fight anyone off…not that he wouldn’t.

He had just finished putting everything away, giving them each a side of the dresser and sorting Joshua’s few possessions and his own, and sat on the bed when he heard Joshua call anxiously from the living room, “Kaidan?”

He glanced at the clock on his side table and noticed it had been 20 minutes. What could he say? He was meticulous in his sorting.

“Bedroom Joshua,” he called back calmly. He heard Joshua’s feet on the hardwood and the limp in his gait before he saw him appear in the doorway. His crutch was still balanced against the dresser. There was a red mark on Joshua’s cheek from the armrest and he was rubbing his face.

Kaidan found himself smiling again, how could he not? His lover was adorable, and his, and he was quickly on his feet so that he could go to him, pull him close and just hold him there.

“I fell asleep again,” Joshua told him, his voice slightly muffled because he’d rested his forehead on his shoulder.

Kaidan chuckled softly. “I noticed.”

Joshua wrapped his arm around his waist and nuzzled his shoulder. “Mm…you’re warm,” he mumbled. Kaidan’s grin widened and he pulled away slightly, hands going to hold Joshua’s head gently at the temples so that he’d look up and he could see him better.

“Are you still sleeping?” he asked with amusement.

“Coffee?” Joshua asked hopefully.

Kaidan shook his head and saw the slight scowl come to Joshua’s face.

“Nice try, I’m not letting you have caffeine only a few hours before you have to actually sleep,” he said, releasing Joshua to step around him and heading to the kitchen. He’d at least make him decaf coffee.

“You’re not the boss of me,” he heard Joshua grumble from behind him petulantly as he rounded the corner into the kitchen.

He turned and looked back around the corner at Joshua, who had turned to follow him but remained in the doorway to the bedroom.

“Actually, I just signed a bunch of papers which say I _am_ the boss of you,” he reminded him. Joshua’s scowl turned into a pout.

“Oh…right.”

As he set about making the decaf coffee Joshua came into the kitchen and stood against the counter out of the way. Kaidan made it his mission to bump his hip with his own gently as he moved from cupboard to counter, brush their fingers together when he went to get water, wanting him to know that even though they weren’t talking and he was busy with his task, he still knew that he was there.

Once the coffee was set to brew he returned his attention to Joshua, who had been watching him with keen interest and smiled when he turned to him.

“How’s the hip doing?” Kaidan asked, taking hold of his hips and leaning gently against him, his thumb rubbing circles on his bad hip.

“It’s not bad,” Joshua replied softly, his own hands resting on Kaidan’s waist.

“It was pretty bad earlier,” Kaidan reminded him, trying to hint at the cause without outright saying it.

“Yeah I…” Joshua started worrying his bottom teeth over his upper lip. Kaidan waited, smiling patiently. “When I switched into at-ease yesterday my hip popped a bit then seized up a lot. The physiotherapist worked it out so it’s a lot better now.”

Joshua was still stubbornly refusing to remember the poor woman’s name. Even if sometimes Kaidan really just wanted to tell her to back off, the fact that Joshua was walking short distances with only a slight limp when just days ago he’d been unable to walk at all meant she was doing her job well. Even so, Kaidan couldn’t be bothered to tell Joshua off for his snub, instead he kissed him.

His hold on Joshua’s hips increased slightly as the soft lips against his parted automatically. He breathed through his nose as he slipped his tongue into Joshua’s mouth and revelled in the feeling of their tongues tangling together.

They just stood there in the kitchen kissing, hands rubbing up and down sides, eyes half lidded, while the coffee maker gurgled behind them. This was a first that Kaidan would remember well, kissing Joshua for the first time in the kitchen in _their_ apartment, but when Joshua pressed their hips together Kaidan pulled away. Joshua whined.

“Hey, are you sure you want to do that?” Kaidan asked, reaching up to rub his thumb over Joshua’s cheek. Joshua frowned at him, looking a mixture of confused and conflicted. Kaidan himself was half hard, but the closeness told him that Joshua was not.

“Kaidan…” He pursed his lips and shook his head. “No, I…not really, I’m sorry I-“

“Don’t worry about it,” Kaidan assured him. Joshua frowned, staring at the space between them still looking very conflicted.

“I _love_ you.” Joshua insisted, looking up at him uncertainly. Kaidan smiled gently, of course Joshua would worry about him instead of himself.

“I know, and it’s okay. You don’t need to worry about anything,” Kaidan assured him, running his hand up and down Joshua’s cheek. “Give yourself a bit more time.”

“For what?” Joshua asked irritably, his confliction quickly turning to annoyance with himself. “I don’t even know what’s going on…I want to and then I just feel sick…not with you with-“

“It’s okay,” Kaidan repeated, pressing their foreheads together. “You’re just busy with other things right now.”

He pulled Joshua close again, having him rest his head on his shoulder while he rubbed up and down his back. Joshua sighed, shaking his head into Kaidan’s shoulder, but not protesting further.

Kaidan listened to the sound of the coffee maker gurgling away, aware that Joshua was feeling incredibly frustrated and just wanting to calm him down. He wished he could pass his feelings of calm and ‘everything will be just fine’ over to him, but it didn’t work that way. He would just have to keep reassuring him until he believed it himself.

It took a few minutes, Joshua just sitting there silently leaning against him, until the coffee maker stopped.

“I want some coffee,” Joshua mumbled into his shoulder. Kaidan chuckled.

“It’s decaf you know,” Kaidan told him, but Joshua nodded and pulled away.

“Where are the cups?”

Kaidan smiled lopsidedly at his lover, reaching up into the cupboard behind his head. “Right behind you love.”

He’d need to give Joshua a proper tour of the kitchen. For now they’d just have coffee and wait for their dinner.

-o-

Kaidan woke out of a dead sleep that night, having dreamt that Joshua was back in a coma and that he’d flat lined. He’d forced himself awake with a start. He was probably just processing the things Garrus had said a few days earlier. Still, he had this awful gnawing sensation in his stomach and he sat up to turn to check on Joshua.

The first thing he noticed was, despite the much larger bed, Joshua was sleeping at about the same proximity as he had been for the past few weeks. Also, though it was obvious he would be, he was breathing and completely calm in his deep, though drug induced, sleep.

Kaidan had to restrain himself from squeezing him or bothering him in some way and waking him up.

Even though the clock said it was 3AM he really wanted a shower. He wanted to wash away both the sweat that the dream had caused, and the dream itself. So he climbed out of bed, walked down the short hallway and got into the shower. He just stood there, hot water cascading over him as he sorted through his thoughts.

Dreams had never really affected him before like they did now. Ever since Virmire and then the destruction of the SR-1. For years Ashley and Joshua had tormented him with dreams of them being alive, waking up only to realise he had been _just a dream_ and needing to go throughout his day with their memories constantly on his mind. Now Joshua was alive and he kept having dreams that he was dying or dead.

Not that it was Joshua’s fault, just that he’d never had someone who he loved so much who had died or almost died so many times. He was bound to worry, and worrying meant bad dreams. He’d had similar dreams about his mother while they were on the SR-2 without any communication to Earth.

He frowned as he heard the bathroom door open and shut. There was no way he’d woken Joshua up, was there? He’d tried really hard to be quiet, yet, sure enough, he looked up as Joshua pulled the shower door open, climbed in, and then shut it again. He looked half asleep.

Kaidan faced the head of the shower again as Joshua wrapped his arms around his waist from behind, rested his cheek on his shoulder, and squeezed him closer.

“Kaidan,” he mumbled sleepily. Definitely still half asleep.

“Joshua, what are you doing awake? It’s three in the morning.”

“What are you doing awake?” Joshua retorted. Kaidan chuckled and reached up to run his wet hand through Joshua’s still mostly dry hair.

He could keep the dream to himself, and considered it, but there was no other reason for a 3AM shower and he’d been making Joshua tell him things he didn’t really want to. Besides, Kaidan knew if he told Joshua there wouldn’t be any judgement. Hell he could probably tell Joshua he’d killed a man, which he had, and he’d still love him like he did now.

“Bad dream,” Kaidan told him quietly, like it was a secret he was trying to keep from the walls or something. Joshua just squeezed him lightly.

“D…do you want to talk about it?” Joshua asked, and Kaidan felt quite proud of him for starting to ask those question without expecting him to get upset or angry.

“Not really,” he answered gently, he wasn’t going to lie to him. Joshua only tensed the slightest bit, and Kaidan was able to relax him again by continuing to run his fingers through his hair. “It was just…” his mouth twisted while he tried to think of an answer. “I worry about you a lot and so sometimes my worries turn to nightmares.”

“Okay,” Joshua replied, still sounding half asleep. He pressed against him while squeezing him and he could feel everything, the way his now slick skin felt, his still slightly muscled stomach against his back. He was there, and solid, and exactly what Kaidan needed.

They stood in the shower for a few more minutes, Kaidan’s arms over Joshua’s around his middle, until Kaidan noticed Joshua starting to sway slightly. The sleeping meds were taking hold of him again.

“Joshua?” there was no reply. “Love, come on, let’s get you back to bed.”

Joshua grumbled and Kaidan smirked, making sure Joshua was steady before bending to shut off the water and then grabbing a towel to dry them both off. Joshua tried to help with the drying, but he really was falling asleep again and ended up more of a hindrance and a help.

After a little struggle, Kaidan managed to dry both of them and guided Joshua back down the hall to their bed. He’d already fallen asleep when Kaidan had rounded the bed and lain down himself.

Kaidan smiled as he faced away from Joshua, their backs touching. Leave it to Joshua to fight off sleeping pills to make him feel better. He hadn’t even known what was wrong, he’d just known that he needed him to be there and he had been. Sometimes it was obvious that he was the saviour of the galaxy, even if his same stubbornness had caused Miranda countless headaches over the months of his initial recovery.

Joshua rolled over with a soft groan and slung an arm over his waist.

“’M not goin’ anywhere Kaidan,” he slurred tiredly into his ear. Kaidan wasn’t even sure that Joshua knew what he was saying. He took hold of Joshua’s hand, which had been resting on his belly.

“I know Joshua,” he said anyways. “Thank you.”

There was no reply. He wasn’t even sure if Joshua would remember any of the past several minutes. It was always so clear how much Joshua loved him. He really hoped that Joshua knew that he returned all of it with his own.

It took him a while to fall back asleep, but he was content to just lie there with Joshua pressed up against him, listening to him breathe.

-o-

The next morning he came awake much more slowly than he had the night before, aware quickly that Joshua was not in the bed with him, but hearing him puttering around in the kitchen. Then, as he sat up, Joshua came to the bedroom door.

“There’s no food,” he complained.

“That’s because I’ve been at the hospital with you,” he told him, stifling a yawn. Joshua frowned at him, but didn’t complain further. He came into the room, limp only slightly more pronounced without his crutch. He had an odd look on his face though, as if he were in pain.

Kaidan was about to ask him what was wrong when he bent forward beside the bed and kissed him. It was slow, and gentle, tongue flicking against his lip shyly for just a moment before Joshua pulled away with his lips slightly parted. The kiss spoke volumes, Kaidan’s chest felt tight afterwards.

“Thank you,” Joshua muttered breathlessly, his expression no less pained.

“You would have done the same for me.” In fact he had, when they hadn’t even really been talking.

“I know, but…” Joshua turned around and sat on the bed beside his legs. Kaidan figured that that would be it, he was just going to trail off and end there. Instead Joshua took a sharp breath and continued, “but I didn’t think that you loved me and I didn’t even expect to wake up, but if I did wake up I didn’t expect you to be there, an then you were there and it was the best feeling I have _ever_ had, but I thought you were just there because you felt guilty and I was _so_ wrong and I’m _so_ sorry…and thank you.”

The fast paced and anxious explanation finished with Joshua looking at him wide-eyed and pleadingly. He could have been angry, had the potential for it, but knowing that Joshua probably felt like he’d just torn his guts out, and the look on his face, prevented it. That, and Joshua had hinted at or mentioned everything he’d just said in not as many words already. So instead he replied by sighing softly and shifting forward to rest his temple on Joshua’s shoulder.

“Let’s go get breakfast and groceries, and then you have physio in the afternoon,” he said gently.

“Maybe we’ll find the one store and the one restaurant where no one knows who Commander Shepard is,” Joshua muttered sarcastically.

It was pretty much impossible, but he said, “yeah, maybe,” anyways.

-o-

They dressed quickly. Joshua borrowed more of his clothes, but wore his N7 jacket. Kaidan wanted to see him in the jeans he had worn often in breaks on the Citadel with it, but Joshua hated them for the same reason Kaidan loved them, they were too tight. He just wore a blue t-shirt and jeans, but Joshua seemed to appreciate it anyways.

Joshua grabbed his crutch as they headed out of the day and Kaidan called for a sky-car they could use for the day. As they waited for the car to arrive Kaidan checked local restaurants. There still weren’t many open, and there was only one which was open before noon. When the car arrived they climbed in and headed there.

As they were seated in the restaurant it was clear that they had not found the only restaurant in the city where no one would recognise Commander Shepard. The waitress who had seated them had outright dropped her tray and handful of menus when they walked in and anyone who looked up to see them as they walked past either whispered or gasped.

At least they’d found a booth, so they had some privacy, but the quiet restaurant was now filled with voices, whispering and other wise. It was also clear that it was making Joshua miserable, his head resting on the table pillowed on his arms before they’d been seated for even a minute.

“The worst part is that I can’t tell if they think I’m great because of those recruitment vids they ran after I _died_ or if they hate me because they know about Cerberus and think I’m a traitor,” Joshua complained into the table.

“Or, they thought you were dead again because of the Alliance’s silence on the subject and they think you saved the galaxy.” Kaidan took hold of one of Joshua’s hands, running a thumb over it as he threw a protective glance at the couple across from them who was not bothering to keep their voices down.

“I didn’t. _We_ did,” Joshua insisted. Kaidan knew he meant all of them, the Normandy crew, the scientists, the militaries of all of the races. Except only Joshua could have united them all. They were right back to the ‘anyone could have done it’ argument which Kaidan didn’t buy and didn’t want to have.

Luckily a waitress arrived so he didn’t have to.

“Hi, I’m Kate, I’m your server today.” She spoke perfectly calmly until Joshua looked up from his arms at her with his trained neutral expression, apparently unaware of who she was serving. “C-Can I…do you…what would you like?” she stuttered, completely forgoing the usual, ‘can I get you started with a drink?’ line.

“We don’t know yet,” Kaidan told her. “This one’s been too busy sulking to look at the menu.” He felt several sets of eyes glaring at him, including the waitress for a moment. He got a look from Joshua which said he’d absolutely prove he had not been too busy sulking.

“We’ll both have coffee to drink, we need sweetener and cream. And I’ll have the breakfast special with sausage instead of bacon, and hash browns instead of toast,” he told the waitress, while keeping eye contact with Kaidan. He smiled triumphantly when he was finished and Kaidan smiled back.

“You read the menu outside didn’t you?” Kaidan asked, and the way Joshua’s smile turned into a pout proved him right. “I’ll have the same, except toast is fine with mine.”

The waitress managed to wipe the nasty look she was giving him off of her face long enough to input their orders into her omnitool for the kitchen and smile at Joshua before wandering off.

“You put me on the spot,” Joshua complained, his lips were pulled into a half smile.

“And managed to make the whole restaurant think I’m bullying Commander Shepard at the same time,” he replied, smiling back at him affectionately and squeezing his hand.

“It was quieter when we got here.” Joshua sighed.

He’d never planned for having to deal with this, Kaidan realised, he’d only got a small taste of it on the Citadel because most of the other races didn’t recognise him or think that he was as great as the Alliance, or he, thought he was. Not that Joshua actually thought that he was great, but most races seemed intent on believing he did. Joshua had never planned for being essentially a celebrity.

“I’m going to go live on Mars,” Joshua grumbled. Kaidan flinched involuntarily, which made Joshua flinch too. “Sorry, Pluto?”

“Sure, Pluto sounds good. Or Palaven, turians seem to like to pretend to hate you.” Seeing the momentary look of concern exchanged for that boyish light in Joshua’s eyes was worth the slight anxiety that the mention of Mars had caused him.

“Maybe I’ll go live with batarians.” Joshua suggested, looking up as the waitress returned with their coffees and the basket of sweetener and cream.

“H-Here you go, Commander Shepard?” she asked as she set Joshua’s coffee in front of him, as if she was uncertain it was really him. Kaidan thought that if she wasn’t sure then she shouldn’t say anything, but he was feeling over protective.

“And Major Alenko,” Joshua added as she set his own coffee in front of him in silence.

“Oh…uh of course,” she replied, though she clearly didn’t know who he was. “I’ll be back with your food in just a bit.”

She was gone as quickly as she’d come and Kaidan watched Joshua with a raised eyebrow as he started making two piles, one with cream and the other with sweetener.

“Wanna trade?” Joshua asked, pouring some of the contents of his piles into each of their coffees and then making a pyramid out of the cream and sweetener cartons. “I’ll start introducing you as the second human Spectre, and then ducking into hiding while they fawn over you.”

Kaidan was too busy smiling at Joshua’s mannerisms to rise to his complaint. Once he’d run out of empty cartons to stack he knocked down the pyramid and started over, this time with full cartons too.

“I love you,” Kaidan muttered, before he could stop himself.

The look on Joshua’s face was priceless. He looked around for a moment in surprise as if worried someone might hear or looking for someone else he was saying it to. His cheeks coloured slightly before he settled him with a bashful look and replied, “Love you too.”

Kaidan thought he heard someone gasp in disappointment.

“What are you being shy for?” Kaidan asked, taking a sip of his coffee and finding Joshua had made it perfectly as usual.

“I dunno, people are watching?” Joshua asked, looking up under his brows at him uncertainly. Kaidan grinned, nudging Joshua's shin with his shoe. “What?” he asked indignantly.

“You weren’t shy in the hospital cafeteria,” he told him.

“I was pretty sure Miranda was paying them all for silence,” Joshua explained quietly. “Fraternisation regs…”

Kaidan had to stop himself from smacking his forehead with his hand. He had no idea why Joshua was concerned about regulations, now when they were leave of all times.

“Forget them. I already told you, I’m yours first.”

The waitress returned with their food. Joshua gave him an odd look. Kaidan looked at him for a moment and figured it out, their food had come too quickly and he knew he couldn’t complain about it.

“Here you are, please let me know if I can get you anything else,” the waitress said brightly, then stood there.

“Thanks,” Joshua said blankly, clearly expecting her to leave. She didn’t. Kaidan watched him as he looked up at the girl and then looked at him for help. Even though he still found it entertaining that Joshua needed help with anything at all, he couldn’t help but help him.

“We’ll call you if we need you.” Kaidan said to her sternly.

She frowned at him. “Of course.” She bobbed slightly in an almost curtsy and wandered a short ways off before stopping and waiting there.

Kaidan sighed as Joshua looked at a few tables who had arrived before they had but didn’t have food yet. He looked tempted to give his food to them, or get up and complain about his perceived injustice. He wanted to comfort him, but that would require leaving the restaurant at this point and he’d barely managed to convince Joshua to eat the night before. So instead he went for distraction.

He cut a piece of his sausage off of one of his three and held his fork out to Joshua, who immediately turned to stare at it in surprise.

“Eat,” Kaidan ordered softly, watching as Joshua’s eyes flicked to him, back to the fork, and then around the room before he shrugged and looked back at him sheepishly as he took the bite. He chewed for a moment before nodding slightly and swallowing.

“It’s good,” he commented, looking around the tabled with a bored expression for a moment before looking up again. “Is this a date?” The slight concern on his face was so cute it made Kaidan chuckle softly before taking his hand and looking him in the eye earnestly.

“It’s whatever you want it to be, love,” he told him gently. Joshua beamed, which made Kaidan’s heard squeeze with affection.

“I like when you call me that,” Joshua replied.

Kaidan didn’t know when the endearment had slipped into his speech, but he liked it too. He liked how, when it slipped into conversation, Joshua’s lips twitched upwards slightly, and how the affection always readily on his face deepened slightly. He picked up his knife and fork again, smiling at Joshua lovingly.

“Eat. The sooner you eat the sooner we can leave so we can get out own food and eat in our house so we don’t have to suffer through fawning patrons and preferential treatment.” That, at least, inspired Joshua to eat. He even cut off a chuck of sausage about the same size as the one he’d been fed and offered it to him.

“So we’re even,” he explained, so Kaidan took his fork and ate it before smiling at him lopsidedly and handing it back.

There was quite a lot of food in the breakfast special, so Joshua only managed to eat about half of each thing before offering his plate to him.  
“Did you plan this?” Kaidan asked him, and when Joshua tilted his head innocently he continued, “You always either give me a lot of food, or get yourself too much and try to give the rest to me.”

Joshua shrugged. “Did you plan last night, when I said I wasn’t hungry, so you got too much food on _your_ plate and started feeding me from it?” Joshua asked. Kaidan paused with his fork halfway to his mouth. “Chakwas will kill me if I don’t keep you fed properly,” he added with a smile.

That wasn’t it though, Joshua had always been that way, thinking about him and what he may need without realising. The behaviour had sunk so deeply into his thought process that he didn’t notice it anymore. Things like absentmindedly making his coffee. But now he was starting to do it too, or maybe he’d started already and hadn’t noticed. He’d worried that he’d never be able to reciprocate Joshua’s thoughtful behaviour, but now he was doing just that and Joshua had noticed it.

He finished taking his bite and smiled, Joshua returned it easily. He noticed quite often how lucky he was. Twenty odd tables of people around them, whispering, pointing, and staring, and he had all of Joshua’s attention. He’d missed it, on the SR-2, when his attention had always been split, he’d always seemed distracted or too busy. Now he had all of him and he couldn’t imagine giving him back. He really just wanted to stand up and tell the galaxy that Joshua was his now, so screw them.

A pair of small children appeared at the end of their table, one maybe five or six, the other appeared three or four. Joshua looked at them sidelong, then glanced around as if checking for the parents. Kaidan watched, calmly chewing his food.

“’re you really Commander Shepard?” the little boy, the older of the two, asked. His hair was short, brown, and slightly curly. The girl, probably his sister, had short, blonde, curly hair.

Joshua blinked at him, taking a sip of his coffee and looking alarmed while he did another sweep for the parents.

“Sometimes,” Joshua replied, setting down his coffee.

“What does that mean?” the boy asked.

“Sometimes I’m just a regular dude eating breakfast,” Joshua told him. Kaidan smiled slightly, tilting his head and kicking Joshua lightly under the table for confusing the kid. Joshua sent him a look which said he had no idea what he was supposed to be doing.

“Who’s that guy?” the little girl asked, pointing at him and standing on her tiptoes to see over the edge of the table.

“Major Kaidan Alenko. He’s always Major Alenko,” Joshua said. Kaidan kicked him under the table again.

“Are you on a date?” the girl asked, using her fingers on the table to steady herself.

“Lilly!” the boy groaned.

“I think so?” Joshua glanced at Kaidan for a moment. He nodded. “Yes, we are.”

The girl beamed, but at that moment there was a dismayed gasp.

“Lilly, Ben!” an older woman called as she came rushing over. The boy took a step back, knowing he was in trouble, but the girl practically ignored her, now attempting to climb up onto the bench beside Joshua.

Kaidan was surprised when Joshua turned and lifted her into his lap with the ease and practise of a father. It made Kaidan think he probably knew what he was doing better than he thought. She settling onto his lap like a princess on a throne and looked up at the woman with disinterest.

“Oh god you _are_ Commander Shepard. I’m so sorry, this is my niece and nephew. I thought they were sitting over there colour an—“

“He’s not Commander Shepard today Auntie. He’s a reg’lar dude.” Lilly told her aunt sternly, pronouncing ‘Commander Shepard’ more like ‘Camder Shepert’. The look of horror and confusion on the poor woman’s face almost made Kaidan snicker, but held it back.

“Wha—“ the woman started, but was interrupted by their waitress appearing.

“What’s going on here Carol?” the younger woman asked frostily.

Kaidan tried to rescue the woman, Carol, who floundered while Joshua whispered something in Lilly’s ear.

“We were just—“ Kaidan started, trying to come up with a good explanation which wouldn’t get the woman in trouble.

Lilly was nodding enthusiastically up at Joshua who said, “Visiting an old friend,” suddenly, causing both he and Carol to look at him with surprise for a moment. Then he recognised the look on Joshua’s face, the look he often had when he was about to bail someone out of a bad situation. It was interesting how he was a good liar when he was doing the right thing.

“Yeah, definitely,” Kaidan added.

“Yeah!” Lilly exclaimed. “Visiting Josh’a Shepard and Kaidan ‘lenko!” She bounced slightly as she spoke and Joshua winched slightly. Kaidan noticed she was perched on his bad leg and had to fight the urge to tell her to stop.

“Oh I…” Carol look of confusion turned into relief, and then into a kind smile. “Yes, Joshua and Kaidan must have come in and forgotten this was where I work, but Ben and Lilly recognised them.”

“Yep,” Ben agreed.

Kaidan couldn’t help the affectionate look he gave Joshua across the table. Even as an everyday guy he still went out of his way to help people.

The younger woman looked suspiciously between them, but shrugged and wandered away again. Kaidan saw a stiffness he hadn’t noticed in Carol’s shoulders dissipate. She covered her mouth and looked like she may cry.

“Thank you,” she said breathlessly. “There aren’t many childcare centres open yet, none that a dishwasher can afford and so I have to bring them with me. Usually they’re so good.”

“My dad used to tell me about you,” Ben said softly, looking guilty as he stepped back up to the table.

Kaidan’s heart twisted. He could only imagine why the children would be staying with their aunt. The look of pain in Ben’s eyes when he spoke gave him a pretty good idea. When he looked back at Joshua he looked haunted, but reached over and patted Ben on the head anyways.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m used to people running up and demanding to know who I am with gu—“ he cleared his throat, “weapons drawn. This was a welcome change.”

Carol smiled at Joshua sympathetically, Kaidan wondered whether it was because of what he’d said or how he’d stuttered.

“Come on Ben, Lilly, let’s leave these two to their breakfast,” Carol said kindly, holding her arms open. Ben went over to her without being prompted again, standing at her hip with her arm around his shoulders. Lilly wanted to stay on Joshua’s lap, but he patted her on the side gently and she reluctantly hopped off and went to her aunt.

“Can you come back soon?” Lilly asked as she turned back to them.

Joshua glanced around the restaurant uneasily, but nodded anyways. “Yeah, sure, we’ll get your aunt’s contact info and we’ll come back when she’s working sometime.”

Both Lilly and Ben beamed.

“Go sit back down.” Carol patted them both on the head and they rushed back to their seat.

“Cute kids,” Kaidan commented, smiling after them.

Carol smiled at him and watched them herself. “Very cute,” she agreed.

“Can I have your omnitool?” Joshua asked him brightly. He frowned.

“Why?”

“I don’t have mine back yet,” Joshua told him, blinking at him innocently.

Carol was smiling, clearly entertained. Her own omnitool was out and ready. He could have insisted that he could take down the info and forward Joshua the details and give him his tool later, but they’d be there forever, so he pulled out his omnitool, authorised Joshua, and handed it to him.

“You had your omnitool taken away?” Carol asked calmly as Joshua punched in his credentials and sent them to her with a wave.

“Mist Protective over here doesn’t want me to get all hung up on rebuilding efforts.”

Kaidan was about to protest, but Carol spoke first, “Well I think he’s right.” She sounded indignant in his stead as she sent his omnitool her details. “You’ve done enough, you have us the opportunity and the future in which to rebuild. I think it’s time for you to take a break.”

Joshua frowned at her, looking quite confused. Kaidan smiled at the woman. Joshua was so used to people asking him to just do one more thing that he was pretty sure she’d just short circuited his brain. Kaidan thoroughly enjoyed seeing him struck speechless, the only sound he made was a soft, “Oh…” before he looked down at his lap thoughtfully.

Carol chuckled. “Feel free to send me a message whenever, I work most days…speaking of which,” she looked over at the kitchen door. Kaidan looked over to see the chef standing with a frown on his face.

“If he gives you any trouble we could say something,” he offered.

“No need, I’ll be going back now. Thank you again, for everything.” She waved and started heading away. Kaidan waved and watched over her, and he saw Joshua doing so as well, but then he started doing something on his lap and Kaidan turned back to him.

“What are you doing?”

“Dunno,” Joshua replied, his fidgeting stopping just as Kaidan heard the familiar ping of an omnitool. He turned to see Carol glance down at her omnitool and then looked back up at them in shock. Joshua nodded at her and it looked like she may cry again. She covered her mouth and continued into the kitchen.

“What did you do?” he asked as Joshua passed him his tool back. He was sure he already had an idea. When Joshua only answered him with a shrug he checked. His mouth fell open, similarly to Carol. “Joshua you…” He couldn’t continue his sentence, he didn’t want anyone to overhear. Joshua had sent ten thousand credits to the woman. He hadn’t even known that Joshua had any money.

But now Joshua was refusing him eye contact, obviously thinking he was angry. He took his hand, hoping to comfort him, and finished his breakfast in silence.

As they left the restaurant, having had their money refused because Joshua was Commander Shepard, Joshua looked tense still and worried.

“I just wanted to help.” Joshua muttered, walking ahead of Kaidan because he’d been holding the door open for him.

 As Kaidan caught up to him he could see the pout on his face. He obviously felt like he’d done the right thing and Kaidan was upset for no reason. He knew that look well, but it was misused this time. He sidled up to Joshua and wrapped an arm around his hips as he limped along slowly.

“I think you did a good thing, I just wondered where you got the credits. I didn’t want any eavesdroppers hearing me ask,” Kaidan told him gently. Joshua’s back relaxed against his arm.

“At first I was surprised too, I only planned to give her a couple hundred, but I think that Liara somehow managed to secure the credits which the Alliance took from me…”

“You mean after the trial, after Cerberus?” Kaidan asked, trying to keep his voice neutral, but Joshua tensed anyways.

“It was _my_ money, hell some of it was my wages from the Geth War,” he snapped.

“Okay,” Kaidan muttered, squeezing him gently. “I believe you.”

The needed to have a serious talk about Cerberus. Sure, he still thought Cerberus was a terrible organisation, and yes he still would have preferred that Joshua never put his name in with them, but did he think that Joshua had taken part in any of their illicit and illegal activities? No. And no one seemed capable of beating Joshua up more for his time with them than Joshua. He seemed very torn between ‘I had to do it’ and ‘I wish I hadn’t done it’.

They reached the sky-car and Joshua sighed, a frown etched in his features. “Let’s just get the groceries.”

Kaidan helped him into the car, then got in himself. He wasn’t sure why Joshua was upset now, but he decided to wait for an answer this time instead of pushing for it.

It wasn’t until he’d pulled into the store that Joshua spoke again. The store itself didn’t have many people going in and out. Food supplies were still on the slim side. People were only allowed to take a certain amount of food and weren’t allowed to stock pile, which many wanted to. A lot of the restaurants which were open now had only been open for a month or so, when actual food suppliers had started popping up again.

“Did you know that you get this _look_ on your face every time I mention Cerberus?” Joshua asked accusatorily as he shut down the sky-car.

Kaidan looked up to see that, despite his forceful tone, Joshua was curled forward with his hands firmly gripping his knees. Even though he really wanted to deny it, the way Joshua looked like he’d just jumped off of a cliff gave him pause.

“I do?”

“Even back when we rescued Jacob and Brynn Cole, you looked like you didn’t really want me to say that they were good people, and you had this look like you were sort of disgusted, but still fascinated and even though it _seemed_ like you wanted to hear things about it, you didn’t really.” When he looked up at him he looked on edge, his brow furrowed.

Joshua was too observant, he saw some things once and obsessed over them. He’d probably agonised over this to the point of blowing it out of proportion, but at the core of it he was right. The topic of Cerberus was this raging river between them, and every time he so much as dipped a toe into it he reconsidered and took it out again. He had asked questions he didn’t want answered, more than once.

“I hate them,” Joshua insisted, staring back at the dash with his fingers digging into his knees further. Kaidan reached over and took the hand closest to him and tugged it off of his knee so he wouldn’t hurt himself. “I hate them and I wanted them gone more than _anyone_ did.”

Kaidan sighed, holding Joshua’s hand with one hand and uncurling his fingers gently with the other. A short glance up told him that Joshua was gritting his teeth now.

A part of him had thought that after seeing the vids in the Cerberus base and reassuring Joshua that he was in fact human, a worry he hadn’t even known he had beforehand, everything would be okay. But Joshua was waiting for him to tell him that he was okay with Cerberus, or at least with what he had done with Cerberus. He wasn’t quite ready to do that and, ‘you did what you could,’ only got so far.

“I’ll just stop bringing it up. I’ll give the credits away or make Liara take them back. I don’t want them anyway,” Joshua mumbled.

He knew it was true, but Joshua was being self-destructive again. His stomach dropped slightly at the thought that Joshua may try to seal away an entire year of his life away from him.

“No. That’s not the solution here,” Kaidan told him gently. He was glad that people couldn’t see into sky-cars.

“I don’t want to see that look anymore,” Joshua replied, tone strained and tired. “It…it sc… It makes me feel really uncomfortable.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

Joshua laughed derisively. “That’s because I didn’t tell you.”

Kaidan sighed and let go of Joshua’s hand. He reached over and ran his fingers through the ungelled hair at Joshua’s temple, watching his eyes slip closed and his self-deprecating expression melt away into a pained one.

“I’m so…proud of you Joshua,” Kaidan muttered lovingly. He didn’t mean it as even slightly condescending, and the look Joshua gave him told him he didn’t feel it was. He looked surprised, a flash of hope on his face.

Kaidan hated that sky-cars were so restricting in the front, he wanted to reach over and hold and kiss him until he was smiling and laughing and asking him to stop so that they could get their groceries.

“A year ago you wouldn’t have brought any of this up,” Kaidan told him proudly.

“A _week_ ago I wouldn’t have brought any of this up.” Joshua lips curved up finally. “I thought you’d have at least been upset with me.”

“I love you, and while I may not be ready to handle long conversation about it yet…I don’t blame you for anything that happened with Cerberus,” he paused, sighing softly. “I think you should keep the credits, I know _you_ didn’t get them through any of the terrible means which Cerberus got their funding, and it was wrong for the Alliance to take them.”

“They tried to take everything from me, and lock me away so that they could pretend I didn’t exist,” Joshua told him softly, reaching up to hold his hand gently against his face with the hands he’d just been using to bore holes through his knees.

“I know.”

“But they didn’t take you.”

“No, they tried once or twice, but you’re stuck with me now.” Kaidan smiled at Joshua, who smiled back.

“I love you too,” Joshua added. He glanced off to the side. “Sorry about that.”

“There’s nothing to apologise for. Now, let’s go get that food.”

Joshua nodded, looking back at him. “Yeah, let’s.”


	22. Up and Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhhh this chapter is a wee bit nsfw (somewhere in the middle there) and also I didn't read it over because I have no time to do so right now! Sorry! I'll do it later though, I promise!

He had five tiny ovals on each knee. Five tiny ovals which Kaidan had noticed as soon as he took off his pants to get ready for bed the night after the ‘Cerberus’ thing, with a sigh and a soft kiss to his forehead. Then he’d asked how he could hold him so gently with the same hands he used so roughly on himself and confused the hell out of him.

The next day he’d gone to see Dr. Shaek and yammered on for two hours out of his control again, this time about Cerberus because he was a bit stuck on the subject. He’d only caught ‘the look’ on Kaidan’s face twice, once when he’d spoken about the mess-hall chef when asked if there was anything he liked about Cerberus and once when he mentioned how much he’d cared about his crew.

Mostly he’d just talking about how much he hated it, no details. It was amazing to him how many different ways he could say something was stupid. Shaek had seemed amused at times, quietly interested at others. Joshua really liked him.

Kaidan had given back his omnitool, finally, and he’d immediately sent off communications out to Garrus, Liara, Tali, and Wrex, then sent both Jacob and Steve one each a few hours later. Steve had replied almost immediately, apologising for not being able to visit yet and asking how he’d been since waking up.

They’d ended up on a three hour call which was slightly crackly and got dropped once.

When he wrapped up, Kaidan came into the room with two steaming cups and an odd look on his face. A glance at the clock on his omnitool told him it was past eight o’clock and that therefore the cups held decaf. It had become sort of a nightly thing after the first, despite there having been no cream the first time and it tasting like engine oil. They hadn’t been able to find hot chocolate in the store and Kaidan had seemed rather apologetic for that.

Now he set both cups on the table in front of the couch as he sat down. Joshua leaned on him, feeling the familiar exhaustion and downward tug he felt after seeing Shaek. Even though he’d avoided any heavy subjects, purposefully, he still felt drained and a bit depressed. He sighed heavily and Kaidan responded by wrapping an arm around his shoulders and pulling him closer.

He just wanted to sleep, but Kaidan spoke. “That was a long conversation.” His tone was slightly strained and Joshua frowned.

“Yup,” he answered, and most of it had consisted of him dodging questions of how he was doing by redirecting Steve to tell how he’d been instead. Somehow, ‘Hi, I’ve been having terrible nightmares, and ragging on the Alliance, and crying like a baby over nothing,’ didn’t seem to be the right way to start a conversation.

Kaidan was waiting for an elaboration, but he didn’t get one. Talking about people you just spoke to was gossip, and Joshua didn’t do gossip. Besides, talking about Steve was awkward when it came to Kaidan because he’d almost given up on Kaidan after Mars and hooked up with Steve instead. But now Kaidan had gone awkwardly quiet and Joshua had a gnawing feeling in the pit of his belly like he was in trouble.

Kaidan sighed and released him, sitting forward and picking up his cup. When Kaidan didn’t come back and wrap his arm around him again Joshua huffed. He turned away from him, leaning away from him and into the arm of the couch with his legs crossed.

He felt uncomfortably off balance, and now he felt sick too. His stomach pulled and the scar around his middle ached. And Kaidan was mad at him for having conversations with other people _again_.

“I’m going to bed,” he said tensely after a few more moments of awkward silence. He stood up and noted with slight satisfaction that Kaidan looked up at him with surprise and concern as he rounded the table.

“But…your coffee,” he protested.

“You have it,” he snapped, his stomach tugging painfully again. Part of him was mortified that he’d just picked a fight with Kaidan and the other was frustrated with Kaidan getting jealous and felt like the jealousy was a reflection of Kaidan not trusting him with other people. Kaidan may monopolise his thoughts and feelings, but he didn’t want Kaidan to monopolise him.

Kaidan didn’t protest again as he wandered into their bedroom and shut the door before flopping on the bed. At the root of this all was how exhausted and irritable two hours of psychologist visit made him feel. He was probably going to have to ask Kaidan to sit out on them soon, he kept feeling like he was judging him even though he probably wasn’t.

He fell asleep somehow, even without his sleeping pills.

-o-

_He opened his eyes, his heart thudded in his chest. Everything was black except for the remaining burning pieces of the Normandy. He watched anxiously as the last escape pod fell from the ship, breathed a sigh of relief. He was vaguely aware of a hissing sound, his back hurt from being smashed against the ship._

_The air didn’t quite come. He took another breath, this one didn’t come at all. He panicked, trying to cry out in the vast expanse as his hands went to the back of his neck to try and fix the break, to take a breath._

_He’d been spaced, he was going to die. He was going to die and he couldn’t breathe and he was suffocating. Every breath he took getting harder as his air didn’t come and his hands scrabbled uselessly at his neck. He cried out again, but his lungs couldn’t take it. He let out a weak whimper as his fingers stopped moving, his slight vision of the planet narrowing._

_His fingers twitched, his lungs ached, and then they didn’t._

His eyes opened, his chest heaved, he reached out expecting Kaidan’s body to be there sleeping next to him, and when it wasn’t his heart jumped in his chest. He sat up.

“Kaidan!” he cried, gasping for air and trying to get his voice to work. The remaining panic coursing through his veins. “K-Kaidan, _please!_ ”

The door opened and Kaidan appeared as the light was switched on. At first he looked tired, but then he looked alarmed. Joshua shuffled to the end of the bed and Kaidan met him there.

“What happened?” Kaidan asked, as Joshua gripped him around the waist and tugged at the back of his shirt until he was pulled forward to rest between his legs. He pressed his forehead to Kaidan’s chest and held him there while Kaidan’s fingers threaded through his hair, which he’d forgotten to wash the gel out of. He was still gasping for air, his lungs burning painfully as he did so.

One of Kaidan’s hands came to rest on the back of his head, the other rubbing up and down between his shoulders. His breath hitched as his fingers curled into Kaidan’s shirt again. His shoulders shook because, dammit, he was crying again. The rest of him was shaking too. He felt like he’d run several blocks without his lungs and at the end of it someone had stuffed them back into his chest.

Maybe he’d been running with husks chasing him…no. That thought made a serious thrill of panic run up his spine.

His brain numbly reminded him that he hadn’t answered Kaidan’s question, but when he opened his mouth to try and piece together the absolute mess of thoughts in his head he just whimpered slightly, felt panic strike his belly, and shut it again, shaking his head against Kaidan’s chest.

Nothing like vividly remembering your own death to make you turn into a crying puddle.

He felt stupid. Kaidan shouldn’t even have been tolerating him. He should still have been angry about earlier. Instead he was comforting him and it just made him feel worse.

“Can you let me go for a second so that I can sit beside you?” Kaidan asked him gently. He shook his head.

“What time is it?” he asked instead, ignoring how his voice cracked. Kaidan paused and stretched slightly, presumably checking the clock on the side table by the bed.

“Almost 4AM,” he answered softly, relaxing again and continuing the trip his hand was making up and down between his shoulders.

“You didn’t come to bed,” he muttered, taking a stuttering breath which still burnt as it went in.

“I fell asleep on the couch, I’m sorry.”

Kaidan had nothing to be sorry for, but he sounded like he genuinely meant it anyways. Joshua sighed softly, thinking he should be the sorry one, but being unable to bring himself to speak. He closed his eyes, trying desperately not to think of the dream…the memory.

He didn’t know why he was remembering it now, when he couldn’t before. Before he’d only been able to remember up until Joker got into the escape pod. When he’d woken up in Cerberus he hadn’t even known whether Joker had survived, but now… His lungs burned.

He gasped painfully as he remembered the feeling of air not entering his lungs.

“Hey,” Kaidan protested, drawing away only slightly to pull his face up so he would look at him. “Stay with me, you’re okay.”

“I’m okay…” he repeated, gaze dropping to Kaidan’s chest. It was true. It was all in the past, and no matter how scary it was it couldn’t get to him…at least he was trying to believe that.

“Let’s lie back down.” Kaidan started rubbing his knuckles up and down his cheek. His eyes slipped shut again.

“You’re still in your clothes,” he complained, unsure why that was the issue.

Kaidan chuckled. “So are you.” He thankfully didn’t mention the gel which was still in his hair.

He shuffled back on the bed, away from Kaidan even though he’d have rather fought several collectors barehanded at that moment. He tugged off the shirt Kaidan had lent him and watched as Kaidan did the same and unbuttoned his jeans. He didn’t know why he watched, he just did. Eyes roved over Kaidan’s still chiselled abdomen, he was pretty sure that even if he spent a year on the couch he’d still look amazing.

Kaidan noticed his watching and gave him a raised eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. It was distracting at least. As Kaidan slipped his pants over his hips Joshua took a heated breath and returned to undressing himself. As he kicked off his pants and underwear and shoved them off the bed he looked up at Kaidan nervously. Kaidan just smiled and kicked the remainders of his clothes off and away, then reached over and pulled Joshua’s socks off of his feet.

Joshua smiled then, as Kaidan climbed into the bed beside him. They both got under the blankets and Kaidan’s arms automatically enveloped him. He rolled so that he was facing away from Kaidan and Kaidan snuggled up behind him.

“Do you want me to get the lights?” Kaidan asked, breath ghosting over his ear. He thought about it for a moment, thought about how stupid he would sound to say no, then about how dark it had been. “Okay,” Kaidan muttered. “You don’t have to sleep, just rest.”

“Kay.” He missed EDI, he would have asked her to dim the lights and not turn them off.

-o-

He ended up spending the next few hours cuddled up against Kaidan, listening to him fall asleep and then to his breathing once he had. The lights shut off on their own once the sun started coming up, and he’d dozed in the slightly lit room. The next time he opened his eyes Kaidan was awake and running his hand up and down his arm.

“Morning,” Kaidan muttered.

“Kaidan, I’m sorry.” His mind was awake before his mouth was, his words slurring slightly.

“Don’t worry about anything.”

He really wanted to worry, but he said, “Okay,” anyways. He didn’t fool himself, he knew that even if Kaidan had been mad at him he would have come running when he called. He knew he would have done the same, since the moment they’d met.

He turned around, snuggling up face to face with Kaidan and intertwining their legs. Kaidan sighed contentedly as his hands settled on his chest, they just fit together, like he was meant to be there. Kaidan tugged him closer and kissed his forehead. Never in his wildest dreams had he imagined that he would be able to wake up in Kaidan’s arms and know he didn’t have to worry about tomorrow.

Kaidan hummed contentedly, reaching one hand to run through his hair, still slightly crunchy from the gel. “We need to get you more clothes.” He smiled and kissed his shoulder.

“I need a shower,” he complained.

Kaidan chuckled, then paused, looking thoughtful. “You know I…I don’t really like the hair gel,” he said finally.

Joshua frowned. “You don’t?”

“No, not really.”

Joshua thought about that, snuggling closer and resting his head on Kaidan’s shoulder. He could just hear his heartbeat, strong and slightly elevated. The question must have been harder to ask than it had seemed. But the thing was, while he had enjoyed having more uniform hair while working, he didn’t actually like gelling it back. It took too much time, what with reapplications after wearing helmets and showers before and after application.

“Why am I using it then?” he asked. Then he looked back up at Kaidan in mild confusion. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Kaidan sighed softly, squeezing him with one arm. “I thought that it was an important part of your routine and then Garrus mentioned it…”

“I thought he was making fun of my hair. It’s uh…eh, I don’t like my hair much.”

Kaidan seemed to think about that for a moment, then he flexed slightly and rolled. Joshua ended up on his back with Kaidan on top of him, his knees on either side of his legs and elbows either side of his head. Joshua shuddered slightly, not liking being boxed in, but loving what he could see of the line of Kaidan’s body.

Kaidan kissed him gently and then leaned back, as if sensing his slight discomfort. When he leaned back, straddling his thighs, he took his hand.

“I love your hair,” Kaidan smiled down at him affectionately, he returned the smile with his own. “When your bangs hang over your forehead it makes you look younger.”

Joshua blushed, eyes darting to the side to try to hide his embarrassment. Well he certainly didn’t want to look old. He glanced back up, seeing the look on Kaidan’s face and feeling his stomach tense with need.

“Kaidan,” he gasped softly. He hadn’t felt like this in so long that he was confused for a moment, he felt odd and didn’t know why. But then Kaidan raised an eyebrow and he knew exactly why. He reached out and took hold of Kaidan’s soft cock, watched as his eyes slipped shut.

“Joshua,” Kaidan said lowly, tone warning. Even so, his hips pushed up slightly. Joshua smirked, thumbing the head and feeling the organ hardening in his grip. He was completely in charge right now, even if Kaidan was on top.

“It’s okay,” Joshua replied, flicking his wrist and pumping Kaidan slowly. He watched as his hips came up to meet his strokes. Kaidan’s head fell back as he moaned his pleasure.

“Just don’t stop,” Kaidan gasped softly, voice husky.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” he shot back calmly. He reached with his other hand to run his fingers up Kaidan’s thigh and then reached under to cup his balls, rolling them in his hand. Kaidan made a soft ‘hah’ sound which made his toes curl. There was something intoxicating about having Kaidan on top of him yet, literally, in the palm of his hand, completely in his control.

Kaidan shifted, leaning up on his knees and moving a bit closer so he could thrust up into Joshua’s hand. Joshua tightened his hold, running a finger along his perineum and pressing lightly. Kaidan groaned.

“Want you,” Kaidan moaned, eyes opening just slightly as he leaned forward. One hand started running over the scar on his belly, his muscles jumped, but when his other hand went for his cock he shook his head just slightly, tensing nervously. Kaidan smiled, pulling his hand back, but leaving the other on his stomach. He thrust up into his hand again.

They continued like that for several moments, Joshua exploring Kaidan with one hand, and the other slowly pulling him closer to release. Kaidan moaned and moved with his movements.

“I love you,” Joshua whispered, thumbing the slit of Kaidan’s cock and flicking his wrist slightly.

“God, love you too Joshua,” he gasped. “So much.” He grit his teeth slightly, then moaned softly. “Gonna cum.”

“Do it,” Joshua replied breathlessly, unsure why he was so intent on Kaidan’s pleasure and not his own. His body was interested, his own cock hard and at attention, but his mind wanted none of it. His mind wanted to watch Kaidan come undone, his eyes rolling slightly, how his mouth hung open, the way his hips stuttered slightly as he thrust into his hand.

Kaidan groaned as his head fell back, thrusting up into his hand a few more times before the muscles on his thighs clenched and he was coming, crying out a slightly strangled mixture of his name and a tight moan. Joshua drank in the vision of his back arching, one hand coming to wrap his hand on his cock as the other clenched into a fist on his stomach and his cum spattered on his stomach.

For a moment Kaidan just breathed heavily, his hand relaxing over Joshua’s. Joshua watched as he let his head fall forward, sitting over his legs. Joshua pulled his hands back and let them rest on Kaidan’s hips.

Then Kaidan relaxed, a content grin on his face as he sunk down like a pleased cat, settling beside him and running his fingers through the mess over the scar on his stomach.

“You okay?” he asked. Joshua thought that was a very odd question, yet felt glad that it was asked.

“Good. I love you.”

Kaidan chuckled. “I love you too. Now you really need a shower.” He leaned over and kissed Joshua's shoulder. Joshua shivered. “I…really needed that, thank you.”

“I’m sorry,” Joshua muttered, his erection already flagging.

“Don’t be sorry. It’s okay.” Kaidan told him soothingly. His voice was filled with great contentment. “You’ll feel better eventually you know.”

Joshua sighed, at least Kaidan believed it. He felt more like he was old damaged goods which should be put out on the curb. Yet people kept working for him and pushing him one step further. They wouldn’t let him give up.

“Shower?” he asked, hoping to change the subject. Kaidan smiled lopsidedly, catching his cop out like a pro and patting him on the stomach gently before he sat up.

They didn’t say anything on their way to the shower. Kaidan seemed contemplative, Joshua just felt tired and quiet. It wasn’t until they were both in the shower and water had washed away the evidence of their activities that Kaidan started with the little touches, a touch here and there, and the gentle kisses.

Kaidan kissed his temple as he started lathering up the shampoo. Joshua leaned against the wall of the shower as gentle fingers worked through his hair and brushed his scalp.

“Kaidan,” he protested slightly, feeling over stimulated.

Kaidan shushed him. “Let me love you, please? I’m not surprised you retreated last night,” he told him as he rubbed the soap in. “I came into the conversation looking for a fight, I’m sorry. You were tired, and I felt awful after.”

“’m sorry I got mad,” he mumbled, his eyes slipping shut as he allowed Kaidan to angle him under the spray.

“I shouldn’t have been jealous of Cortez,” Kaidan admitted softly, fingers combing the shampoo back out of his hair. He went as far as to make sure that the soap didn’t get into his eyes, then bent in and kissed him. Joshua felt a wave of nerves at the mention of Cortez, but tried to ignore it.

“Cortez is more interested in Spanish tanks,” he muttered, once Kaidan had pulled away. For a moment Kaidan just looked confused, but when it dawned on him the look on his face was so cute that Joshua laughed and pulled him into a tight hug.

“You know more about all of this than me,” Kaidan told him, sounding amused. “First I was worried about women and asari, and now…”

Joshua pulled away, trying to look serious even though he was quite entertained.

“I have no interest in anyone but you.”

“I know. But you always…” he paused to kiss his shoulder. “Give all of yourself to people when you talk to them.”

“I’m bad at multitasking.”

“You focus on things well, you make people feel important,” Kaidan told him, he pouted, which Kaidan chuckled at. “Come here,” he muttered, tugging him closer with his arms over his shoulders and kissing him.

Joshua hummed, allowing Kaidan to lead. He was pressed up against the shower wall again and Kaidan’s tongue flicked against his lips. He parted them, and Kaidan made a sound that was almost a growl. There was no fight for dominance, Joshua was practically a noodle against the wall. Kaidan’s tongue slid against his as he explored his mouth. When the tip of Kaidan’s tongue ran roughly against the top of his mouth he moaned and then tensed slightly.

“Like that?” Kaidan asked softly as he pulled back.

He nodded numbly, his stomach rolled slightly. “Yeah, but…”

Kaidan kissed the corner of his mouth. “It’s okay.” He trailed kisses from his lips to his jaw, to his neck, to his shoulder. The kiss he left there lingered, and he was pulled back into Kaidan’s arms again. All at once he felt safe again. He didn’t know what was wrong with him.

“I love you,” he breathed, holding Kaidan as tightly as he was being held.

“I love you too.”

He spent the rest of the shower snuggling against Kaidan sleepily as he washed his own hair and then both of their bodies. Kaidan ended up giving him a massage he hadn’t known that he needed. Once they were dried and dressed Kaidan started wandering into the kitchen.

“What do you want for breakfast?” he asked, as Joshua wandered into the living room and sat on the sofa to check his omnitool.

“Toast.”

Kaidan pocked his head into the living room from the kitchen. “You can’t just have toast.”

“Toast,” he repeated. Kaidan rolled his eyes at him, Joshua stuck out his tongue at him and went back to his omnitool.

“Fine, mystery breakfast coming up,” Kaidan called as he went back into the kitchen.

“Do we have ketchup?”

“Keep that up and you’ll need it,” Kaidan shot back, already banging around.

Joshua smiled, noticing he had a message each from Tali and Liara. Tali’s was short, but expressed her regrets at not being able to visit and promised she’d be by some day soon. Liara’s was longer, detailing that she was unable to visit due to being in a hard to reach star system looking for a certain missing prothean. She was apologetic, but stood firm in the importance of her task.

When Joshua came to the end of her message he just stared down at his omnitool in horror, vaguely recalling the conversation which he and Javik had had about him seeking out his squad’s graves and joining them. He was on to the part where he started beating himself up for not remembering when Kaidan came into the room.

“Joshua, at least tell me…what’s wrong?”

Without looking up he slumped forwards, a hand going to his hair. “I killed Javik.”

“What?”

“I killed Javik. There was this memory thing and I made him touch it and he got really upset and then he told me in London that he was going to kill himself and Liara’s looking for him and I _forgot_.” He gripped his hair tightly, feeling guilt and panic warring in his stomach.

“Well if Liara-“

“I fucking forgot!” he snapped, slamming his omnitool on the coffee table and leaning forward with his face in his hands.

For a moment there was silence, in which Joshua berated himself mentally. How could he forget? Javik was his friend and he did not forget friends. _Commander Shepard_ didn't forget friends. He didn’t forget _anything_ , there was no option to forget. He was supposed to be the one to remember, to make sure everything got done. He should be the one on the other side of the galaxy, not Liara. What the hell was he doing crying to psychologists and whining about his leg? He-

Kaidan’s arms came around him and he was pulled gently over until his head came to rest on Kaidan’s lap. He glanced up at Kaidan, who had sat beside him and was now looking down at him calmly and running his fingers through his hair.

“It’s not your job to solve every problem in the galaxy,” Kaidan told him, fingers brushing the shell of his ear.

“Yes it is.”

Kaidan ignored him, continuing on. “Liara’s perfectly capable of finding home.”

“It’s been almost a year…what if he’s dead?” he asked, feeling sick.

Kaidan paused. Joshua looked up to find him looking solemnly thoughtful. “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.” The fingers started up their movements in his hair again.

“I can’t believe I forgot something so important…”

“You suffered catastrophic physical and mental trauma less than two hours after that.” Kaidan told him gently.

“I can’t remember what happened with Javik, or EDI, and I can’t remember what happened on the CDitadel with…” the pistol. Joshua swallowed thickly, then twitched as he felt biotic static in his hair. He looked up at Kaidan in surprise, pulled from his dangerous thoughts.

“Stop. It’s okay,” Kaidan told him sternly.

Joshua pressed his lips together, stared blankly across the living room and took a hitched breath. He’d gone from being responsible for everything to nothing and he had no idea how to handle it. He was a soldier a soldier who was supposed to fight because he was told to. He was a dead man, a dead man who was supposed to kill reapers because that was what he’d been revived for. Now he was neither.

All he had was Kaidan and he didn’t know what to do with him. He had done a shitty job of loving him and Kaidan seemed to do more taking care of him than vice versa.

He just lay there, not knowing how he was supposed to feel and slowly being lulled into a calmer state by the fingers dragging through his hair and over his scalp and then across his forehead. He stared at the wall, focusing on a spot just under the TV.

After a few minutes he looked up at Kaidan. “Are you burning breakfast?”

Kaidan chuckled and smiled down at him. “No, I shut it off after you tried to make a crater in the coffee table with your omnitool,” he told him. “Are you okay?”

Joshua blinked at him, stuck between the urge to apologise for the table and answering the question. “I…I’m…”

“Look, I know that nothing’s going to fix it, and that you’re going to worry no matter what we do, but let’s get your mind off of this. We’ll have breakfast and go out shopping for some new clothes,” Kaidan suggested, running his thumb over the shell of Joshua’s ear again as he spoke.

“Breakfast?”

“Yeah, once you tell me what you want,” Kaidan replied, still smiling down at him.

“Mystery breakfast.”

Kaidan sighed, but it was good natured. “I’m going to end up spoiling you.”

Joshua rolled onto his back, sitting up with his elbow supporting him and reaching to cup Kaidan’s face. Kaidan responded, leaning forward and placing a gentle kiss on his lips.

“I love you,” he muttered against Kaidan’s lips.

“I love you too. Now just let me up so I can get breakfast,” Kaidan replied softly. Joshua shivered slightly at the feeling of their lips brushing together and sat up properly. Kaidan stood. “Give me ten minutes,” he said as he headed to the kitchen, turning back for a moment with his hands up and open to show the minutes before turning back and disappearing around the corner.

Joshua lay back down on the sofa, moving up a bit so that he could lie down properly. He craned his neck, listening for the sounds of Kaidan in the kitchen and watching the wall where he expected Kaidan was standing. Sometimes he wondered what he’d done to make Kaidan love him, he certainly hadn’t tried very hard in the last few years. And how was it okay for him to be happy while Javik was possibly dead? His one job was to protect people and apparently he hadn’t even done that right.

He brushed his bangs back from his forehead, thinking about gelling it back and then remembering Kaidan’s dislike of it and tugging at the chunk instead to see how long it was.

“Kaidan,” he called gently.

“Yeah?” was the reply from the kitchen.

“Do you really like my hair this long?”

“Well…yeah. I actually liked it when you’d just woken up too, longer hair just makes you look younger,” Kaidan told him, he could hear the smile in his voice.

“Does that mean I look old?”

Kaidan chuckled at him. “I don’t think I get to judge that, love.”

A trill of pleasure ran up Joshua’s spine and he stood up to head to the dining room. He loved when Kaidan called him that. He felt loved, cherished, safe, and like all of Kaidan’s attention was his at the same time.

“Why not?” he asked, watching as Kaidan tried to block his view of the stove with his body.

“It’s not a mystery if you see it you know.”

Joshua pouted, but took up residence in the chair at the dining table which was facing away from the kitchen anyways.

“Why not?”

Kaidan came up behind him and automatically started rubbing his shoulders. “Have you seen our age difference recently?” Kaidan asked.

Joshua dropped his head back against Kaidan’s chest, glad for the height of the chair, and grinned up at him. “Then you’re the perfect judge.”

One of Kaidan’s hands came up to thumb his cheek and he leaned in. “I should book you for insubordination for that one,” Kaidan told him huskily, before kissing him despite Joshua being upside down and at an odd angle.

“You’re not the boss of me,” he breathed as Kaidan straightened. They looked at each other with half lidded eyes, affection clear on their faces.

“Mm…yeah I am.” Kaidan replied, mouth quirking up slightly at the corner. He was right, he was, he had been for a long time. Kaidan turned to go back to the kitchen, and Joshua almost turned to watch him, but Kaidan held up a fingers over his shoulder and said, “Nope,” so he went back to facing away and staring at the wall.

“I don’t mind about your age, you know,” he added, just in case his previous statement had made Kaidan uncomfortable.

“I don’t mind yours either. I like it, in fact,” Kaidan replied.

“Cradle robber,” he snickered.

“Shut up.” Kaidan replied goodnaturedly. He did, but it was comfortable was a comfortable silence that they both enjoyed. Sitting with his back to the kitchen because Kaidan wanted to surprise him, hearing said surprise sizzling away, and joking around playfully…he’d never imagined this happening. But it felt so right, and so real.

He sighed. He’d wanted something similar for Garrus and Tali, Kenneth and Gabby, and Liara and Javik. But he’d totally fucked up. He still couldn’t figure out how he’d forgotten, the memory of what Javik had said was still fuzzy. Commander Shepard didn’t _forget_ things. If someone needed him he was there so as many could live and be happy as possible, he didn’t do the death of the one for the many…unless it was him. Not that anyone seemed very intent on _letting_ him.

Kaidan came over again, wrapping his arms down his shoulders and around his chest and resting his chin on his head. “You’re going to be stuck on this aren’t you?”

Joshua pressed his lips together, shuffling slightly in the seat before shrugging. “Didn’t give you permission to biotic mind read me,” he grumbled.

Kaidan just kissed the top of his head briefly. “Biotic mind reading?”

“Yeah, all of you biotic people are always going that,” he explained sulkily.

“Me, Liara, Miranda…?”

“Thane…Shaek,” Joshua added, chewing his lip now. The mention of Thane stung a bit, but it would be disrespectful to leave him out.

“Garrus isn’t a biotic,” Kaidan told him, hand rubbing his side gently. “I think you’re mistaking caring about you for mind reading.”

He started pouting, but Kaidan just kissed the top of his head again and then left him to finish breakfast. Joshua felt an odd, but familiar, feeling like he didn’t want Kaidan to walk away. He wanted him to stay and tell him it wasn’t his fault and that he forgave him. He hadn’t had that feeling in a while.

Instead of telling Kaidan about it he just pillowed his head in his arms on the table. He stayed like that until he heard the sound of a plate and cup being put down beside him. He glanced up at the plate just as Kaidan’s hand came to rub up and down his back.

“Is that scrambled eggs on toast?” he asked, glancing up at Kaidan who was looking at him closely.

“There’s bacon pieces in the eggs,” Kaidan told him, looking unsure.

“This is like…my favourite breakfast food, how did you know?” Joshua asked, sure he’d never told Kaidan any of his favourite foods before.

“At the hospital I’d always catch you putting your eggs on top of your toast…so I figured it was something you liked,” he told him sheepishly, before wandering back into the kitchen.

“You even put ketchup on it,” Joshua mumbled, pulling the plate closer to him.

“Uh huh. It’s not hard to see you’re a ketchup fiend,” Kaidan replied, sitting adjacent to him with his own plate and coffee.

Joshua took up his knife and fork and started on his food, noting that Kaidan’s was a more uniform plate of toast, bacon, and eggs all separate.

“Thank you,” Joshua muttered after a few bites. His chest felt tight.

“Any time, just tell me what you like and I’ll try to-“

“No, I mean…for everything. You’ve been taking care of me and watching over me and…everything.”

“Yeah, well, maybe I should have started a long time ago,” Kaidan told him.

He had to stuff his next bite in his mouth to keep his throat from tightening. He was sure as hell not going to start crying over _breakfast_. For a moment they ate in silence, Kaidan looking pleased at himself as he ate.

“What’s your favourite breakfast?” Joshua asked, studying Kaidan’s plate and noting with displeasure that he didn’t have enough food.

“French toast,” Kaidan told him. Joshua frowned. He felt like he’d heard of it before, but never had it. Most of his teenhood breakfasts had been protein bars. “It’s basically bread soaked in egg mixed with cinnamon and then fried.”

“Canadian cuisine?” Joshua asked, grinning at him. Kaidan shrugged.

They fell into a comfortable silence again, Joshua was grateful that they could do that now. He never felt like he had anything he wanted to say that would never be said. At least if there was something he felt like he couldn’t say now he could say it later. He looked up at Kaidan.

“My mom used to make this for me,” he told him, watching as Kaidan set his fork down gently and looked at him. “We had chickens and other animals, and crops and stuff, and we got to keep some of our produce. So she’d grab cheese and make this scrambled egg casserole dish with everything in it, then put it on toast.”

“So, not quite the same.” Kaidan sounded slightly disappointed.

Joshua took his hand gently. “It’s close enough,” he told him. “I think she used to put a lot of stuff in breakfast because I wouldn’t eat anything afterwards.”

“So it’s not against any of us that you almost starve yourself on a daily basis,” Kaidan said. Joshua smiled at him sheepishly. “Miranda wasn’t pleased to see that you’d lost more weight since waking up.”

He stuck his tongue out at Kaidan and then took his hand back so that he could go back to eating.

“Hospital food is gross,” he said, before he took a bite.

“Picky,” Kaidan chided gently, before going back to his own food as well.

-o-

“No, Joshua, I told you. They’re too big for you,” Kaidan told him, shaking his head as he came out of the dressing room. Somehow, for some reason, Kaidan had dragged him out clothes shopping. He was being forced to try things on, he’d never tried on clothes before. At the group home he’d spend his teen years at, the woman who ran it would just show up, sometimes with some clothes which sort of fit. Until he’d turned sixteen and been expected to get his own.

He didn’t feel comfortable showing what he was trying on, especially since there was a female clerk outside who kept staring at him. Also, he was starting to hate the sight of the scar around his middle and having to see it several times in a short period of time was frustrating. He had decided that he hated full length mirrors.

“It’s fine,” he insisted. It was the third pair of jeans he’d tried on and Kaidan had vetoed them all, and scolded him when he had tried to pick out six of the same shirt.

“If he likes it,” the clerk offered helpfully, but Kaidan ignored her entirely and stood up. He wished that people would stop sucking up to him.

Kaidan, still pointedly ignoring the clerk, came right up to him and wrapped an arm around his waist, promptly inserting his hand into the space between the back of his pants and his back. He raised an eyebrow at him pointedly.

“Too big,” he repeated for probably the thousandth time. He retracted his hand and turned to go back to his seat. “You haven’t tried any of mine.”

“They’re too small. Why can’t we get a car or something instead?” he complained as Kaidan sat back down.

“They’re not too small, you haven’t tried them on yet, and we spoke about this in the rental.”

Joshua huffed, mock scowling at Kaidan until he shut the door to the changing room again. He listened as he finally gave in and tried on one of Kaidan’s choices.

“The shirt looked good though,” he heard the clerk comment.

“Yes, it did,” Kaidan replied, sounding slightly defensive.

He tugged off the shirt and tossed it in the small pile of okayed shirts. He had about four shirts and two sweaters, and a coat which Kaidan had thrown at him to try on. So he pretty much had enough clothing to last him the rest of this life and the next. He was beginning to wonder if Kaidan had been spoilt as a child.

Once he’d put on one of the Kaidan’s choices, the less tight of the three, he stepped out of the small room, his cheeks red. He felt stupid.

“Better,” Kaidan said.

“Awful,” Joshua replied.

“You’re only saying that because you’re not used to wearing jeans.” Kaidan told him. Kaidan glanced over at the clerk, as if expecting she’d say something. Joshua followed his gaze, but she was staring at him.

Joshua glanced down. He hadn’t bothered putting on a shirt because he’d tried them all on already. She was staring at his scars with open horror, gaze going from the one which lined the connection of his shoulder to it's socket and the nastier one on his stomach. He tensed, looking away and automatically turning back into the dressing room to grab his own plain white t-shirt and tugging it on roughly.

When he turned back Kaidan was standing between him and the clerk, shoulders squared and tense. He couldn’t see either of their expression, but he distinctly heard Kaidan say, “We’ll take it from here, why don’t you go do something else?” in the darkest tone of voice he’d ever heard him use.

Joshua sighed, glancing down at himself and trying to convince himself he was just making sure the jeans fit.

The clerk made some sort of noise and he turned to back into the dressing room.

“Joshua wait.” Kaidan had come up behind him and put his hand on the door to stop it from closing.

“Can we leave now?” He’d hated the scars on his body, but he hadn’t felt ashamed of them or not wanted to look at them because they made him ugly. He’d just got tired of seeing them, just like he’d got tired of seeing himself in stories on the extranet when he was in jail.

Kaidan sighed, placing a hand gently on his waist and tugging him back out of the dressing room into a gentle hug. “Yeah, we can leave now if you want.”

Joshua took a slightly shaking breath, then shook his head to try and clear it. There was no point in him feeling ashamed of his scars, but the thought of the look on the girl’s face made a shiver run up his spine. He pressed his lips together and tugged gently out of Kaidan’s hold.

“I need to change…I’ll just take your choices and the shirts,” he grumbled. Kaidan’s hand ran over his shoulder and he shook his head again.

“If you’re sure.”

“I just want to go home.”

He could practically see Kaidan’s lips setting in that hard line which meant that he was stuck between letting him do what he wanted and trying to convince him otherwise. He stepped further into the dressing room, unable to bring himself to look and see the expression on Kaidan’s face as he shut the door.

As he tugged off the pants and pulled on the ones he’d borrowed from Kaidan he realised that they probably were too big too. He collected the clothing up in his arms, wondering why he was even bothering to buy anything with the way the girl had looked at him. Then he opened the door to the dressing room.

Kaidan looked at him miserably. “You know there’s nothing wrong with your scars…right?” he asked, reaching forward and taking some of his load from him.

“Yeah, I _did_ ,” he grumbled, making sure to clench his teeth to keep his face straight.

Kaidan pressed a hand to his belly, right where he knew his scar was, and Joshua looked at him. “There’s nothing wrong with them,” he told him sternly.

Joshua found himself nodding slowly in reply. He couldn’t bring himself to disagree with him, he sounded so sure of himself. He couldn't disagree with Kaidan anyway.

Then, without another word, Kaidan wrapped an arm around his waist and started guiding him through the store to the cash register, clearly as intent on leaving as he was. Joshua had never seen someone throw clothing in such a menacing way before, clearly he was feeling quite angry under his calm exterior. Joshua was surprised he wasn’t glowing blue.

He set his own pile down on the counter, feeling a lot smaller than Kaidan seemed to be feeling. He dropped his gaze to the floor, even as he reached for his credit chit. Kaidan reached out and took his hand before he could reach it.

“It’s fine, I’ve got it,” he told him gently.

“But…I have the money for it,” Joshua protested, but didn’t move to fight Kaidan. He just wanted to leave. He was about to be surprised that the girl behind the register was being so quiet, but when he looked up she was just staring at him. “Kaidan I’m going to go wait in the sky-car.”

Kaidan sighed, tossing a look at the cashier, but then turning back to him and squeezing his hand as the girl actually started scanning the clothes. “I’ll be there in a minute, alright?”

He nodded, squeezed Kaidan’s hand back and then turned away from him and left the store without another word. He opened the car with his omnitool and climbed in in silence, leaning back in the chair and closing his eyes as the door shut.

Joshua ran a hand down his face, groaning softly. Javik was probably dead. He couldn’t get it off of his mind, and that on top of everything else was just throwing him off balance. He really wanted to go home and cover his head with the blankets and not come out for a while.

Self-esteem wasn’t even on his radar, but the idea that someone could look at him and feel disgust made him feel awful. It made him wonder how Kaidan could look at him and touch him without feeling it.

And then he felt guilty for even thinking about that when _Javik was probably dead._

The door on the sky-car opened and he cracked his eye open and looked through his fingers to see Kaidan climbing in and tossing the bag in the back of the car. He expected him to just take off and go home, but he turned to him instead.

For a moment they just stared at each other before Joshua closed his eyes again and turned away. Kaidan reached over and pulled his hand from over his face and squeezed it gently.

“Kaidan, I don’t want to do this anymore,” he muttered, keeping his eyes closed, but holding Kaidan’s hand tightly.

“Do what Joshua?”

“Anything? Can we just go home?” he asked. He felt miserable. They’d had a morning which had swung from good to bad to good, then from good to bad again. Now it was just coming onto noon and he was already done with the day.

“Yeah, okay...” Kaidan sighed, squeezing his hand again and then turning back to the console.

For a few minutes they stayed silent, Kaidan quietly driving the car back to their house and Joshua thinking about how everything had screwed up so quickly, but then he glanced over at Kaidan whose lips were still pulled in that stressed out thin line.

“Hey…uh…Kaidan?” he asked, automatically getting Kaidan’s attention. “Thanks.”

“What for?” Kaidan asked, turning back to the console.

“Buying the clothes and standing up for me, I guess.” All at once the stress lines relaxed on Kaidan’s face and he looked over at him with a tired smile on his face.

“I’d fight the entire galaxy for you, and I just wanted you to be more comfortable…with the clothes, I mean.” Kaidan shrugged. Joshua smiled, feeling just as tired as Kaidan looked.

“I’d fight the entire galaxy for you too.”

“Yeah I know,” Kaidan told him chuckling softly. “I just never imagined _I’d_ be the one…fighting people for you.”

He’d never imagined it either. He’d always planned on being the one to fight everyone off for Kaidan, but he’d never thought it may be the other way around. It was interesting how he’d thought of all of these things which he was going to do, and now Kaidan was the one who was doing them.

He’d imagined scenarios in which Kaidan had somehow become scarred, much like he was, and how he would love him anyways. He’d never imagined it being the other way around. He rubbed a hand over his stomach, looking down at the area that his scar was. It was aching, just a bit, and Kaidan caught on to him quickly.

“Are you okay?” he asked, glancing away from the console only for a moment to look at his face. “I want you to know that…there are going to be a lot of people who see you that don’t know what the aftermath of a war looks like…I mean they’ve seen the destruction, but there are going to be people who don’t really _know_ the aftermath.”

Joshua’s hand stopped on his stomach, he looked up at him uncertainly and pressed his lips together. “Yeah…I know, but…”

“ _I_ love you, and anyone else who loves you will still love you even though you’re-”

“Broken?”

“Not one-hundred percent right now.” There was a pause, as Joshua let Kaidan’s words sink in and felt trapped between feeling sick and feeling like he was going to start _fucking crying again_. Kaidan glanced over him a few more times, and then they were outside the front of the apartment building and he parked the car and turned to him. “And whatever it is that happened with Javik, whether he’s alive or not, is not your fault.”

Joshua turned, feeling all at once like the world had been taken off his shoulders and like he himself weighed several tons. “I…” His voice broke.

Kaidan reached across the car, tugging him into a hug even though it was an awkward angle. “It’s okay.”

Joshua shook his head into Kaidan’s shoulder, but didn’t say anything. He couldn’t.


	23. Not Good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't have any time to edit right now, I'm sorry! I don't even really have time to write, but I'm a bad girl. I just moved to Japan so...yeah I'm supposed to be really busy, but here's this anyways. It's shorter than my last few, and it's just before a bit of a time jump (probably a week or two maybe a month) so yes. Sorry it's unedited, and enjoy I hope.
> 
> Also a quick question: Does this fic's rating need to be bumped up? It started in the more top of mature area, but I feel like it may have breeched explicit with that last chapter. XD

“He’s not doing well,” Kaidan told Miranda, feeling rather disheartened.

He was standing in Miranda’s office, having stepped out of Joshua’s psych session after Joshua had given him probably the tenth anxious look while answering questions Dr. Shaek had asked about Cerberus based on their previous meeting.

Miranda sat at her desk, reading over reports. He wasn’t even sure if they were all Joshua’s anymore, he was certain she’d taken other cases and was managing other teams of doctors. He imagined that if they still used paper her desk would be absolutely covered in it. As it was, she had six or seven datapads and her desk looked like Joshua’s had at the end of the war.

She looked up at him and sighed. “I’ve never seen him shut down like he did when that reporter came and started questioning him,” she told him, taking off her reading glasses that Kaidan was pretty sure she wore for show. “I imagine we’re putting him through a great deal of pain.”

“Seems more like torture,” Kaidan interjected, seeing the agreement in Miranda’s eyes when she looked up at him. “Then why are we doing it?”

He was pretty sure he’d raised his voice more than necessary, but Miranda merely shrugged and ran a hand over her forehead. “Because he’s not Joshua right now and he can’t handle any of the things the world wants to throw at him.” She shook her head, looking down at her datapad and then back up at him with a sad smile on her face. “Just about the only thing he’s got is his stubbornness, which got him discharged before I thought he was ready.”

She motioned to the chair in front of her desk for the third time since he’d entered and this time he sat down.

“What do you want me to do?” Kaidan asked, just as aware as she was that letting Joshua out of the hospital was just the lesser of two evils.

Joshua staging a revolution in the hospital was different than him throwing a fit at home. At home, at least, Joshua felt like he had some freedom… Even though Kaidan already regretted returning his omnitool to him and had sent a strongly worded message to Liara, who had promised not to mention Javik again until she had him on board her ship.

“Try not to take him out too much. I know he wants to go places, but we’ve had three more news reporters here and I don’t think he can handle the ‘fans’ quite yet. They’re all insensitive, they don’t have a clue what he’s been through. All they ever saw was his shining perfect visage and the glowing news stories,” Miranda told him bitterly, shaking her head. “Or the awful ones.”

Miranda had taken one look at Joshua that morning and given Kaidan a look which said, “Speak to me immediately,” and he couldn’t blame her, because Joshua looked exhausted and depressed. It was clear that something was not right, and Miranda had picked up on it immediately.

He was 99.9% sure that the thing with the girl in the store the day before had been far more about Joshua wanting to make himself feel more guilty over Javik, than him actually having an issue with his scars. Up until that point he’d had no problem with his scars or taking off his shirt, but he’d been feeling vulnerable and it had been that one more thing which had pushed him over the edge.

Joshua had spent the rest of the night looking submissive and being uncharacteristically quiet.

Kaidan sighed. He still had to wonder which of them was more protective of Joshua. All the reporters who had shown up had probably faced the same fate as the first, and Miranda was clearly giving Joshua a bit more thought than he had been. He’d been excited, it had probably clouded his judgement.

“I can do that,” he said softly.

“He’s still having nightmares?”

“Yeah, a few.”

The look on Miranda’s face matched perfectly how he felt about it. She looked troubled, but there was pain and guilt in her eyes, almost like she felt like if she’d done something differently the outcome would be different. Maybe it was true, they’d all put strain on Joshua in one way or another, relying on him without ever really realising that he needed someone to rely on.

“I want to make it better for him, but the only other option is to tranquilize him and I won’t do that,” she said sternly, even though he hadn’t even considered it an option.

Kaidan leaned forward slightly, aware he was about to tell her something which Joshua didn’t want to share. “He’s been having nightmares and flash backs to his…uh…death, on the SR1.”

He’d never been able to bring himself to call it a death. He’d only just started coming to terms with it when Joshua had shown up on Horizon after all the rumours that he’d been alive and was working with Cerberus. After that, calling it a death seemed odd, he was alive now so he hadn’t, couldn’t have, died. Even seeing it on the vids in the Cerberus base hadn’t hit it home for him. But Joshua had died, and now he was remembering it and watching him remembering it was like seeing a nightmare himself.

He could only imagine how Joshua felt.

“He told me that he couldn’t remember it, when we did our tests on the SR-2,” Miranda said, looking troubled.

Kaidan shook his head. “I think it’s a new thing, but night before last he woke up screaming,” he explained. “He called out for me and when I got there he was shaking like a leaf...”

“When you got there?” Miranda asked, expression accusatory. Naturally her keen sense had picked up on the part of the sentence he’d hoped she wouldn’t notice.

Kaidan felt his cheeks colour. He’d been jealous for no reason and Joshua had picked up on his tense body language and tone immediately.

“I fell asleep on the couch.”

“I see,” Miranda said, having properly interpreted his words for what they were. They’d been arguing and she was clearly disappointed. She made a note on her datapad, put her stylus down roughly and looked up at him. “Please tell me that you can put yourself aside for a few weeks while he adjusts and stay _with_ him.”

Okay, scratch everything. She was more protective of Joshua than he was. Right up in the realms of Vakarian the Valliant. He would fight for Joshua, while they would both kill in cold blood. He had the distinct feeling that if he said he couldn’t stay with Joshua he would be removed indefinitely. Neither of them seemed to under nor overestimate Joshua, things just were how they were. They were never surprised when he kept things from them either, just disappointed.

“Yeah, absolutely. We just got into a bit of an argument.” It was a lie. It had been more like him stalking into the room bearing coffee with about one thousand strings attached and Joshua getting visibly upset when he noticed them and leaving. Joshua retreating should have been the red light which told him that something was wrong right away, but he’d been stupid and tried to wait out what he’d seen as Joshua having some sort of problem.

He still felt badly. He still remembered how desperately Joshua had held onto him. He’d made a vow right there to never be too far beyond Joshua’s reach, until he was okay on his own. He wasn’t going to make the mistake of getting needlessly jealous again, not with people Joshua cared about at least.

“I’m not telling you to coddle him, but…” Miranda sighed, squeezing the bridge of her nose. “He’s recovering quicker this time, with more emotional trauma than last time, with you around. Last time it took him weeks to start acting like a person rather than just the Commander Shepard I’d heard about. At least he’s smiling this time.”

That statement made Kaidan’s heart hurt. He also recognised this as his only warning. She would remove him if she thought he was a hindrance. She looked up at him with a mixture of pity and understanding.

“I know it’s not easy, and he does everything in his power to rebel against what he needs, but please, he needs you around. God knows we can’t just call in Garrus to get drunk with him every day for a month,” she said.

Something told him a month of getting drunk wasn’t going to cut it.

“I know.” Kaidan nodded, leaning forward into his elbows. “It’s just a bit trial and error right now. Sorry.”

“Trust me, I know,” Miranda told him, nodding slightly. He believed her. He imagined her after Joshua had woken up, fighting her every step of the way because he didn’t like or trust her. “Let’s go get some coffee.”

-o-

The Joshua who came out of Dr. Shaeks’ office looked a little less tense, but a lot more upset then how he’d left him. His eyes were red and puffy, shoulders down, he was clearly exhausted, and when Kaidan opened his arms to him he practically melted against him.

Kaidan threw an unsure look over Joshua’s shoulder at Miranda, who nodded. He could tell that she wasn’t exactly ecstatic by Joshua’s state, but knew it was needed. He felt Joshua sigh.

“Hey,” Kaidan said softly to him.

“Hey,” Joshua replied, his face still pressed into his shoulder, his throat sounded tight. Miranda gave Joshua a sympathetic look and then disappeared into the doctor’s office.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Nope.”

“What happened?” He wasn’t sure that he’d get an answer.

“I…I just can’t handle it anymore, all the people dying,” Joshua told him shakily. Kaidan kissed the side of his head. Javik, but probably everyone else and the geth he’d never spoken about too. Another thing which he couldn’t just fix.

“You don’t have to handle it alone you know.” Kaidan really regretted letting Joshua have his omnitool back. Liara had grown, but not enough to stop layering Joshua with her problems apparently.

“Yeah.” He sounded mostly like he was disagreeing with him.

“No, you don’t. I’ll be here, you don’t have to handle it alone.” He was just about ready to take Joshua home and create a protective shield around him for the next hundred years. Joshua was so tired that Kaidan could _feel_ it.

“You won’t…I dunno…get upset?” Joshua asked, pulling away only far enough to look at him with great concern.

Kaidan’s lips tugged to one side, having no idea why Joshua thought he’d get upset. “No, not at all.”

“Okay. Yeah.” Joshua nodded slowly.

Kaidan wondered what reasoning Joshua had created in his head as to why he couldn’t share his pain with him. He worried that it was similar to his reasoning for not sharing his thoughts and feelings. More obsessively worrying that he would up and leave if Joshua even opened up a little bit.

Part of him wanted to be able to tell Joshua that he wished he could fight off all of his painful and scary thoughts and feelings, but he knew well enough that Joshua would feel guilty for making him want to be able to do something he couldn’t. He’d probably start trying to hide himself away again, that was absolutely not okay.

He was pretty sure that Joshua hiding all of his feelings away was the reason that they were in this mess. That, and Joshua seemed to have very skewed ideas as to how to deal with those feelings on his own. Block it all out until it conglomerates into one giant scary nightmare, was not the best course of action.

Joshua sighed and tugged him closer again, he squeezed him lightly in response. He was really glad that Miranda had listened when he’d suggested switching Joshua’s psych appointments to the afternoon, he wouldn’t have been able to handle the strenuous activity in this condition.

He ran his hand up and down Joshua’s back, hoping to get a positive reason for his next statement. “So…Miranda told me that she would be able to find some hot chocolate mix for us.”

For a moment Joshua tensed and he worried he’d done something wrong, but then he pulled away and Kaidan caught that little hint of light in his eyes as well as the surprise on his face.

“Really?” he asked, and Kaidan could hear the tone in his voice which made him sound just that little bit younger. Like maybe, just maybe, things could be okay. Innocence.

He wasn’t sure why Joshua had a thing for hot chocolate, but he’d noticed early on the SR-1 that he preferred it to coffee. He’d kept a secret can of it in his cabin and whenever it was quiet out in the mess hall he’d come out of his room, looking like a young boy guarding his favourite treasure. At the time he’d always offered it to Kaidan, and he’d never realised why. He had never put two and two together that Joshua never asked anyone else.

He was pretty sure that Joshua’s initial love for the sweet drink had something to do with his family, as he was starting to notice a good deal of Joshua’s loves and interests did. He wasn’t ready to outright ask about it because the family thing was obviously a can of worms that Joshua wasn’t ready to open yet all at once. He’d been surprised by the way he’d brought it up on his own the day before at breakfast. He’d seemed happy telling the story, until he’d looked sad and ate the rest of the meal in silence.

Miranda emerged from the office with Dr. Shaek in toe. He looked at Joshua, who tugged away from Kaidan gently to face the doctor instead. The doctor gave him a momentarily look over before turning back to Miranda and nodding.

“Have a good evening Mr. Shepard, Mr. Alenko,” he said, nodding to each of them in turn before heading down the hall. Joshua watched him go for a moment, Kaidan wondered what he was thinking about, but he quickly turned to Miranda with a much more Joshua-esque look.

He grinned lopsidedly. “So, where’s this hot chocolate?” he asked. Kaidan snorted, got a pout thrown his way, and turned away to cover the smile on his face. The mood swing was probably more about making Miranda think he was okay, but it was always nice to see Joshua being himself.

“You do know that if you went to the city hall and asked for a moat around your apartment building they’d probably do it right?” Miranda asked.

Joshua frowned, and Kaidan knew exactly what he was thinking. Why would they do that? No one ever listened to reasonable requests that he made, why would they listen to a ridiculous one? Joshua turned back to him, still looking confused, and he smiled at him in reply.

Miranda rolled her eyes, but Kaidan saw affection there. “Fine, you don’t know,” she said. “I don’t have it yet, but I should be able to acquire it in a few hours. I’ll have it delivered to your apartment.”

Joshua smiled at her. “Thank you.”

Her expression softened slightly and she gripped his forearm gently. “Any way that I can help, just tell me.”

Joshua’s gaze snapped to him for a split second before going back to Miranda. He was probably in trouble.

“I’m fine Miranda, really,” Joshua assured her, gently tugging out of her hold and then taking her hand momentarily and squeezing it. “Don’t worry about me.”

Kaidan had heard those words too many times to believe them anymore, the look on Miranda’s face told him she felt the same way. She sighed, squeezed Joshua’s hand, and then took her hand back.

“If you say so,” she said. “I have other patients to take care of so I’ll see you later, Joshua, Kaidan.”

“See you later Miranda,” Joshua said, watching her pass them. Kaidan waved at her until she was gone down the hallway and, when he turned back to Joshua, he was getting a very suspicious look from him.

“What did you tell her?” Joshua asked. Kaidan shook his head.

“It’s not important right now,” he told him, hoping he’d accept that at face value. “What is important is that we get you home.”

Joshua sighed, suddenly looking much more tired and much sadder than he had been. Kaidan missed the upbeat behaviour immediately, but he wasn’t going to start an argument in the middle of the hospital.

Joshua reached over and took his hand, then wound his arm around his and snuggled up against his side. Kaidan smiled at him, squeezing his arm slightly. Today was ‘try to walk without your crutch’ day, and Joshua had taken to leaning on him.

“We get to use the super-secret exit today,” he told Joshua, who pouted.

“I don’t _want_ to use the super-secret exit,” he whined as they started their trek down the hall. Kaidan rolled his eyes, he couldn’t tell if Joshua was being petulant or if he genuinely didn’t like using a different exit to everyone else. It wasn’t even really different, it was just the doctor’s exit as opposed to the front door.

“Miranda doesn’t want you getting caught by any of the media that she keeps catching hanging around,” he explained, watching as Joshua continued to pout and shook his head slightly.

“Why are we still pretending I’m dead? This is stupid.”

Kaidan rolled his eyes slightly and sighed. “You know that’s not what it’s about.”

“I know that’s not what this is about…” Joshua repeated miserably and fell silent for the rest of their walk to the car.

-o-

“Won’t it be really funny when I do run into a reporter though?” Joshua asked as he sat down in the car, looking self-deprecating, Kaidan already knew his next words would probably bother him. “The Alliance will be falling all over itself, ‘No that’s not Commander Shepard, that’s Commander Shepard’s cousin, useless, whiny, weak ass Shepard, we make that mistake all the time too. But look, that one cries, the real Commander Shepard doesn’t cry. He’s made of metal _and_ he’s ten feet tall.’”

Kaidan stared at him, he was pretty sure his mouth fell open at one point, but he closed it and just stared. After a few moments Joshua looked up from the place by his feet that he’d been scrutinising and fixed him with an expression that almost seemed neutral, like he’d been talking about the weather, but Kaidan saw the mess behind it.

“Joshua, what happened during your session today?” he asked, tone guarded, like he was stepping out onto a ledge he wasn’t sure would hold.

For a moment Joshua just looked at him, his face that blank yet haunted expression, before he turned back to the floor and started wringing his hands. “I was talking about…stuff and then Shaek noticed that I kept referring to Commander Shepard as if he were a different person, and he asked me why.”

“And…that’s what you got out of it?”

Joshua pressed his lips together, wrung his hands some more, and then shook his head slightly. “Shaek told me that I’m disassociating myself from myself from Commander Shepard as a coping mechanism.”

“Do you agree?”

This time Joshua shook his head much more deliberately. He glanced up at him, then back at the floor. “Commander Shepard is an act that I put on so I can behave how people want me to, how they expect me to. It has nothing to do with disassociation. He’s not me.”

He’d noticed the disassociation, but he hadn’t thought anything of it. Joshua seemed to think that Commander Shepard was just an act to make people like him, and yet as the same time he thought that he was some great being that he was supposed to aspire to.

“You know what I think?” Kaidan asked. Joshua shook his head. “I think you’re human, and that you’re Joshua Shepard, and that’s all that matters right now.”

Joshua glanced up at him out of the corner of his eye again, the slightest of smiles growing onto his face. “I think that I love you, and _that_ is all that matters right now.”

Kaidan smiled back at him, holding out his hand. Joshua took it so readily that Kaidan wondered if he’d been missing their body contact from the moment he got into the car.

Personally he could see why Joshua may want to disassociate himself with Commander Shepard. As straight and narrow as Joshua’s path had always been, people had still died, he’d still _let_ people die regardless of whether it was his fault or not. He made hard decisions, held up the entire galaxy, Kaidan knew he could never have done that. And now he had to continue on with all of the things which had been done and live with them.

“Let’s go home, okay?” he asked, watching how Joshua’s thumb started rubbing on his hand and how he frowned slightly. “You’re going to start falling asleep soon, you know that.”

For a moment Joshua just played with his hand, running a finger up his index finger and down again, squeezing the tip of his thumb between his fingers gently. Finally he shrugged and let go, turning away and curling up against the door. Kaidan smiled at him, turned to the console, and started them on their way home.

-o-

In the end he was quite right, Joshua fell asleep in the car. When they got to the apartment, even though the sky-car had stopped, Joshua remained asleep, his hair falling into his face, his eyes closed and his body relaxed.

Kaidan didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t really carry Joshua, well, he probably could a short distance, but not all the way to their apartment, not unless he slung him over his shoulder. He also couldn’t just leave him in the car, it was still borrowed and it was going to want to return soon. That, and he didn’t feel comfortable leaving him sleeping alone. He wasn’t even sure if he _should_ be letting him sleep.

So he reached over and ran his fingers down from the hair behind Joshua’s ears down his neck. “Hey, wake up love, we’re home.”

Joshua groaned, reached up and took his hand and pressed it against his face so he could nuzzle it. “You go home, I’m sleeping.”

Kaidan chuckled. “Do you want a free ride back to the rental lot?” he asked.

There was no answer for a moment, but then Joshua shook his head against his hand. “No.”

“C’mon, let’s go. You can sleep once we get up to the apartment,” he said gently. Joshua nudged his hand one more time before sighing and letting him go so that he could get out of the car.

Joshua followed him, coming up beside him as he went through the doors of the apartment building. Their hands brushed but didn’t touch completely. Joshua looked absolutely drained as they entered the elevator.

Kaidan wanted to protect him from everything, but Joshua would never let him. He wouldn’t even let him keep him safe from himself. He almost wished he was a psychologist so that he had a reason to insist on sitting in on Joshua’s sessions, even if it would be a conflict of interest.

Joshua leaned on him, resting his head on his shoulder. “I do _know_ that I’m Commander Shepard you know, I’m not crazy.”

Kaidan sighed. “Yeah, I know that.”

“I just don’t want to deal with all the crap that comes along with being Commander Shepard right now…but at the same time it makes me feel like I’m a failure for being unable to live up to who the galaxy thinks I should be.”

“You weren’t sleeping in the car were you?” Kaidan asked, sighing softly at the realisation. Joshua looked up at him miserably as the door to the elevator opened and stepped out into the hallway before him. Kaidan followed, watching his gait and thinking strongly about how Joshua had managed to make himself seem calm and relaxed in the car while thinking so strongly about not relaxing things.

When the door to their apartment had been closed and locked behind him he followed Joshua down the hallway and stopped him from entering the living room, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him against him. Joshua practically went limp, leaning back against him and resting his head back on his shoulder. He wasn’t sure yet if it was something that he found unnerving or endearing. It was like Joshua trusted him to hold him up, but it was also like he didn’t have enough will to hold himself up.

“You don’t have to live up to anything you know,” he told Joshua gently. Joshua sighed, turned his head and kissed his jaw. It was as if he constantly felt like the weight of the world was on his shoulders and there was no way that he would understand it.

“Do you really think that the Alliance wants me to be all over the extranet _crying_ because some reporter asked me how my day went?” Joshua asked him, sounding frustrated.

“Well, for one, screw what the Alliance wants.” The world had probably been turned on its head, he’d never expected to hear something like that come out of his mouth in his entire life. “And for the other, you seem to think that you’re getting upset—“

“ _Crying_.”

“ _Getting upset_ over stupid things, but anyone else…” Anyone else would have killed themselves or been killed or been put into a mental health centre for going completely insane. He couldn’t say any of that though, he didn’t want to give Joshua any ideas and remembering how he had said that he didn’t ‘want to do this anymore’ the day before made a shiver go up his spine. “You’re one hell of a tough nut to crack.”

All at once the bones seemed to return to Joshua’s body and he pulled away gently, continuing into the living room as Kaidan watched. He flopped down onto the couch and Kaidan went to the end of it, staring down at him. He looked up at him, a mixture of exhaustion and affection on his face, his shirt riding up slightly so that Kaidan could see the nasty scar which ran around his middle.

“Well there it is,” Joshua said to him, and he followed him down onto the couch, straddling his legs and running a hand up under his shirt. Always mindful of Joshua’s fear of being unable to escape he didn’t lean forward and kiss him like he wanted to. Joshua blinked at him anyways.

“There what is?” he asked gently, running his fingers lightly over Joshua’s scar and seeing him shiver slightly. He couldn’t tell if it was disgust or pleasure.

“The crack. In my nut.”

Kaidan frowned at him, tilted his head slightly. There was no explanation, no elaboration, Joshua just looked at him, completely blank faced, and then all at once his face broke into an absolutely brilliant grin and he started laughing.

“Look at your face!” he cried. “You’re so confused!”

Kaidan smacked him, lightly, on the hip and shuffled upwards. “Of course I’m confused you just said something that made no sense!”

He couldn’t tell if Joshua was having some sort of psychotic break, or if he was just laughing at something he apparently thought was funny, but seeing him actually laughing was making his stomach fill with happy fluttery butterflies. He could feel Joshua’s laughter through his hand on his stomach and his legs on either side of his hips. He leaned just a bit closer, wanting to feel more of it, but not wanting to crowd his suddenly manic lover.

Maybe just needed to laugh about something. He let him, watching him closely with a smile on his face because he couldn’t help it, not with how Joshua was laughing. He watched as Joshua covered half of his face with his hand and ran his fingers up into his hair. He leaned just a _bit_ closer so he could kiss Joshua’s sternum through his shirt. His chest was still trembling slightly.

“You don’t think there’s a crack in my nut?” Joshua asked him, still grinning.

Kaidan shook his head, smiling down at his lover in spite of himself. He was pretty sure that Joshua’s head had just gone somewhere completely different than his. “No, what are we talking about? I don’t think I like where your brain is right now.”

“You’ve never heard the saying ‘you have me by the balls’?” Joshua asked, looking more neutral and nudging his thigh with his hip.

Kaidan rolled his eyes, he had no idea how they’d gotten from Joshua being a strong person to Joshua being a person with a crack in one of his balls. “Okay so, what, you think that you had tough nuts and then someone had you by them so one of them cracked?” He was so confused.

Joshua looked at him blankly for a moment, before his face broke into another grin and he started cracking up. He turned to press his face into the couch, laughing into the cushion.

“Is that it?” Kaidan asked. Joshua snickered. He was probably never going to know what he meant, he wasn’t even sure that Joshua knew what he meant. So he just lay down over Joshua, giving him space enough to shimmy out if he needed to. His chest over Joshua’s hips and belly and his head resting on Joshua’s ribs. He pressed his ear to his chest and listened to his heart beating happily.

After several moments Joshua came out of the back of the couch, lying back with his head on the armrest and looking down at him. Kaidan raised an eyebrow at him, and Joshua smiled.

“A tough nut to crack, that’s someone who’s really hard to handle, and so if the nut has been handled then it must not be so hard to crack after all. It must have a crack in it and since my nuts have been handled then there must be a crack in them, so my nut has a crack in it and I’m not hard to handle after all,” Joshua told him.

…He’d mistaken the idiom’s meaning and Joshua had gone a strange rollercoaster ride of semantics.

“So…”

“So you’re the crack in my nut.”

“Because I’ve handled it.”

“Yup.”

Kaidan looked up at Joshua, who had that little light of mischief in his eye and Kaidan had fallen in love with too many years ago. He still didn’t quite get it, but if it was making _Joshua_ happy, then he was fine with it.

“Fine then,” he said. “How about ‘you’re a tough cookie’?”

“I like cookies,” Joshua told him, nodding.

“Tough cookies probably don’t taste very good,” he warned him.

“I wouldn’t know.” Joshua smiled at him innocently.

His mind told him that this was probably Joshua trying to duck out of their conversation earlier, so he wouldn’t have to deal with it, but he couldn’t see the harm in letting Joshua have a little fun even if it was to mask his pain. Laughter was still the best medicine, and he was laughing. Joshua’s arm came up around his shoulders and squeezed him.

“I’d say they taste a bit salty, I’ll tell you next time,” Kaidan said, gazing up at Joshua with a great deal of affection. His lover made a face, sticking out his tongue slightly.

“Eww, gross Kaidan. Get your head out of the gutter,” he said, squeezing him again.

 Kaidan rolled his eyes. “Get _your_ head out of the gutter, we’re talking about tough _cookies_ here.”

They both fell silent. Kaidan watched Joshua’s expression go from light and playful to troubled over the next minute or so, the light in his eyes slowly fading. He wondered what Joshua had thought to make himself look so sad, his gaze fixed on the wall as he stared through it into whatever thought he’d stumbled upon. He wanted to fix it, if only he could find a way to put up barriers in Joshua’s brain.

“Hey,” he said finally, when he couldn’t take the pain in Joshua’s face anymore. He reached up to run a finger over his jaw line and Joshua looked at him, gaze settling on his face. “Where did you go?”

“I dunno...” Joshua told him quietly. “Can I come back now?”

Kaidan smiled reassuringly. “Yeah, I’ll always be here for you when you get here too.” The corner of Joshua’s mouth quirked up slightly, but didn’t go all the way into a smile. He could see the affection in his eyes, even without the smile. “Do you want to take a nap?” he asked.

“Do you want to spend the next several hours being a giant pillow?” Joshua asked him back.

“Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.” Kaidan said, easing out of Joshua’s hold and awkwardly getting to his feet, somehow without putting his knee through Joshua’s various squishy parts.

“Are you serious?” Joshua asked, looking confused.

“Of course I am,” he replied. “Several hours of you snuggled up against me and I get to watch over you? You’re not the only one who likes to watch the person who he loves.”

Joshua seemed to consider that, looking thoughtful as he sat up on the couch and then looking up at him. “I do love you,” he agreed, holding up his hand. Kaidan took it and pulled him to his feet, and then against him gently so he could kiss him before they headed to the bedroom.

“Yeah, I know you do. I love you too,” he said as they rounded couch.

“I know,” Joshua told him, then paused thoughtfully as they entered their room and Kaidan wandered to his side of the bed. “Can I be naked?”

“Uh…yeah? It’s our house, you can be naked whenever you want,” Kaidan said frowning slightly, he looked up at his lover who was still standing in the doorway to their room. He looked at the bed, still made up in military fashion from that morning, and then back at Joshua who had that cheeky look on his face again.

“You’re going to regret saying that,” he said, tugging off his shirt and letting his fall at his feet before taking several steps towards his side of the bed and undoing his jeans.

As Joshua pushed his pants and underwear down, over his hips, and his legs, Kaidan watched, gaze roving over his lover’s still quite well toned frame and his ass when he turned to kick his pants off of his ankles. Now he was imagining Joshua wandering around the house naked.

“Nope, no, I don’t think I will,” he told Joshua, with a smirk on his face which was met by a momentary look of surprise that quickly turned into an unsure look. He watched as Joshua’s hand stole to his stomach for a moment before he dropped it to his side again and shrugged. Maybe the scar thing _was_ a thing after all.

“You’re not naked enough.” Joshua climbed into the bed, pulling back the blankets and settling while fixing him with an expectant look.

He chuckled, going about his quick undressing routine and climbing into the bed beside his lover, who had watched him with just as much interest. He pulled Joshua close, and he in turn snuggled against him.

“Am I naked enough now?” he asked, situating himself so that he could rest his chin on Joshua’s head and Joshua could rest his head on his chest. Their legs tangled together perfectly as usual. Sometimes their knees knocked together, but now was not one of those times.

“Mm,” Joshua agreed, nuzzling into his chest. He was really glad the gel was gone, or he wouldn’t have felt how soft Joshua’s hair was.

“Going to sleep?”

“Mm’hmm.”

Kaidan rubbed his chin gently into the crown of Joshua’s head and squeezed him gently. “You sleep then, I’ll keep you safe and I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“You’ll fight away the bad guys?” Joshua asked him, sounding a bit like a child, but a lot like he was trying to sound like he was joking.

“Yeah, they won’t know what hit ‘em.”

Joshua nodded, shuffled just a bit closer, and fell silent. Kaidan really wished he could actually be able to fight away the bad guys for him.


	24. Anderson

As Kaidan approached the hospital in the sky car it was immediately apparent that something was not right. About half way there he had received some sort of message on his omnitool, but he wasn’t one of those people who checked his tool while he was driving or displayed it up over the window of the car, he hadn’t checked it yet.

However, judging by the large crowd of people, seemingly all bearing cameras, he knew _exactly_ what the message must say. He turned to Joshua, who was regarding the crowd with something akin to horror.

“Can you check the message on my omnitool, love?” he asked, partially hoping to wipe that terrified look off of the poor man’s face. Joshua just turned to him with his eyes wide and shook his head slightly.

“No…no I don’t want to go there, let’s go home, screw this.” He was panicking, even as he reached to take his omnitool from the little cubby between them his hands shook. When he’d checked the message Kaidan heard him let out a high pitched, tiny, laugh. “Look, it says, ‘don’t come’, so let’s listen to it, okay? Let’s go.”

The hospital came closer, and he was still in the position where he could turn them around. Even though there were some people pointing at the car, it was just a rental, it could have been anyone. Kaidan spotted Miranda standing at the entrance, apparently holding back the tide of reporters with her folded arms and her likely icy glare.

He cursed softly under his breath, abruptly turning the sky-car around. Miranda would be fine on her own. But apparently Joshua had also seen Miranda, even as he turned the sky-car around Joshua turned as if watching her through the back of the car.

“Wait, there’s Miranda. We’re not just going to leave her like that, right?” he asked.

“The Alliance is going to have to make a statement now,” Kaidan muttered, trying to break Joshua’s attention from Miranda.

“We can’t just leave her can we?”

“She’ll be _fine,_ Joshua,” he replied, hoping he’d drop it, but he’d seen her and now he wanted to protect her just like he wanted to protect everyone.

“No, we can’t just leave her there,” Joshua insisted.

“Look, someone obviously tipped them off or they wouldn’t have shown up _right when we were scheduled to arrive_ and known what type of vehicle to expect, which means it might be someone from the inside. We have to get home in case they know about there too,” he explained, trying to pay attention to driving and not to the biotics threatening to blow from under his skin. Someone was going to pay for this. Only a month and a half after waking up and the world already wanted to be in Joshua’s business again.

“But…why?” Joshua asked him, sounding hurt.

“I don’t know, money probably. The Alliance never officially released a statement as to whether you’d died or not, you weren’t on the list of MIA or KIA either.”

“…but Miranda,” Joshua started.

“I’m not going to drop you in the middle of a _war zone_ Joshua, Miranda will be fine, and we’re going _home,_ ” he told him sternly, his voice probably raising a bit too much. He’d thought that was the end of it, until he turned to look at Joshua who had been sitting in absolute silence and saw how he was glaring a hole through the floor at his feet. “Joshua…”

“I’m not really in the mood to talk right now,” Joshua snapped at him. He couldn’t even be mad at him, he’d snapped first, and even though his tone was sharp Joshua still looked submissive, just begrudgingly so.

He sighed. “Alright.”

-o-

When they got home Joshua went straight into their room, shutting the door behind him and making no noise afterwards. Kaidan stared at the door for a minute, trying to figure out what headspace Joshua had gone into, when he couldn’t he just shook his head and went into the living room. He fired off a communication to Miranda telling her they’d turned around.

While he waited for a response he listened, but there was nothing from their bedroom. Silence. He wasn’t going to be stupid this time, as soon as Miranda replied he would go and make sure that Joshua was okay. He obviously _wasn’t_ okay, but he wasn’t sure that he was in the mood to share.

The reply was short, “ _Will contact later. Take care of Joshua. Don’t go out. Damage control._ ” Now Kaidan thought that Miranda must know something that he didn’t, he usually took care of Joshua, why wouldn’t he have been? He wondered if Joshua had sent her a message.

He replied with a simple, “ _Okay,”_ before getting up and going to their bedroom door.

When the door opened the first thing he noticed was that it was _dark_. Joshua hadn’t just closed the blinds, he’d lowered the sunshade over the window. He could barely see the form of his lover lying on the bed, back to him, with the blankets up past his chin. He stepped into the room, prepared to apologise and ask if Joshua needed anything.

“I’m useless,” Joshua mumbled from the bed, Kaidan wondered if he’d heard wrong.

“What?”

“I’m _useless_ , I can’t even help my friend with a few pretty words,” Joshua muttered. “I can’t do _anything_ , I can’t help _anyone_. What the hell use am I?” His voice rose sharply as he spoke, Kaidan could hear the panic laced with his frustration and sadness.

He wondered if ‘warzone’ had been a very poor choice of words. He wondered if it had made Joshua think that he was now unable to handle the one thing he’d always been good at.

He climbed into the bed behind Joshua, joining him under the blankets and snuggling close to him. He wrapped an arm around his waist.

“I can’t do _anything_ ,” Joshua repeated quietly, his voice breaking.

“You know you’re doing better right?”

“I saw them and I wanted to _run_. From _cameras_. They can’t even sh…shoot…” Joshua swallowed thickly before finishing with a soft little, “me…”

He ran his hand over Joshua’s stomach, slipping his hand under Joshua’s shirt and splaying his hand over the scar there. He had no words to sooth his lover, none that would make it all better. It was frustrating to know that no matter what he did, or said, Joshua was still going to feel the way he was feeling.

He knew it wasn’t Joshua’s fault either.

“I love you,” he whispered. He kissed Joshua’s shoulder, closing his eyes and listening as Joshua’s breath hitched before he sniffed slightly. He tried to pretend he hadn’t already heard the tears in his voice before, he hoped that Joshua knew he wasn’t the only one who cried in frustration. He could feel how tense he was, the muscles under his hand hard, but shaking slightly with every breath. “Does your stomach hurt?”

Joshua didn’t answer for a minute, and Kaidan wondered if he’d confused him with the seemingly randomness of the question.

Finally, after Kaidan had decided he wasn’t going to answer after all, Joshua bowed his head forward slightly and whispered, “Yeah…” Then he blurted out, “I didn’t meant to snap at you,” as if it were related.

Kaidan sighed, squeezed Joshua gently and slung his leg over his so that he could tug him closer. “It’s _okay_. You were frustrated.” He wondered if Joshua had told either Miranda or Dr. Shaek about his stomach aches. Probably not. He was pretty sure he’d find out it was from how anxious he was feeling if he did.

It was all fine and good that Joshua trusted him with things he didn’t trust other people with, but he couldn’t even tell those things to people who could actually help him with them. When Dr. Shaek had tried to subtly insert ‘the destruction of the Normandy SR-1’ into their conversation two weeks ago, after he’d told Miranda about Joshua’s nightmares, Joshua had turned to him, glared, stood up, and walked right out of the doctor’s office.

 _That_ fight had been fun. At least Joshua was starting to feel comfortable enough to fight with him, but it didn’t change the fact that arguing was tiring and making up was awkward. They didn’t exactly have makeup sex either, which made it more awkward because Kaidan never knew what to do afterwards with all of the left over emotions. Joshua always found a way to blame himself for the fight too, and tended to become over apologetic and submissive afterwards.

What a mess.

Kaidan sighed, squeezing his lover softly and kissing his shoulder again. “I didn’t mean to snap at you either,” he added finally. “I’m not mad, and I don’t think that you can’t do anything, I just…” He paused, having to come up with the right words that wouldn’t hurt Joshua further. He knew he had to word it carefully. “I just want to protect you, from everything. I _know_ it frustrates you, but,” he moved up the bed a bit, planting his chin on top of Joshua’s head, “I really want you to be happy.”

“I _am_ happy,” Joshua insisted softly, probably trying to hide the wateriness in his voice. “I have everything I ever wanted…I don’t understand why my stupid head can’t figure that out.”

“It’s still sorting through all the other crap that happened before,” Kaidan told him gently.

Joshua fell silent again, just snuggling back against him and taking deep breaths. They sat there in silence for several minutes because Kaidan couldn’t bring himself to try and push the point further. As soon as Joshua was able to accept the fact that he’d been through some seriously traumatic things he’d probably start healing, but Kaidan knew he was so stubborn that it may not happen. He’d already come to that realisation and accepted it.

At least he was actually talking about some things now.

After a few more minutes Joshua rolled over, nuzzling his forehead into his chest and wrapping his arms around him.

Kaidan smiled sadly, running his fingers through the back of Joshua’s head and setting his chin on top of his head again. “I love you, y—“

The doorbell rang. Both of them tensed, Joshua considerably more than he had. He knew that if someone was coming by he’d have received a message of some sort. Even on a normal day they always got some notice before someone showed up, whether it was because Miranda didn’t want Joshua to have to deal with anyone as a surprise or not he didn’t know.

Luckily they didn’t have one of those buzzers which automatically connected anyone at the door with whomever was in the house, because he didn’t know how Joshua would have handled that. As it was their names weren’t even on the resident’s list, so he was pretty certain that this was the final proof that someone from the inside had leaked their locations. Which made the list of people who could have done it _very_ short.

“I’ll be right back, okay?” Kaidan asked, attempting to detangle himself from Joshua’s hold gently. Joshua’s arms tightened around him for a second before he released him, and nodded slowly as he pulled away.

Kaidan looked down at his lover on the bed for a moment, seeing how desperately he looked up at him.

“They’re going to want to know what happened…on the Citadel,” Joshua muttered, eyes going slightly unfocussed as he sat up and turned to stare at the black sunshade over the window. “But…I don’t remember. I don’t remember anything.”

Kaidan glanced in the direction of the bedroom door. He couldn’t leave Joshua when he was clearly about to go into a dangerous place. He turned back to the bed, setting his knee down on it— The bell rang again, and then again.

God damn it.

“I’ll be _right back,_ okay?” Kaidan asked Joshua, concern creeping into his tone. Joshua glanced over at him and then leaned forward, tugging his knees up to his chest and resting his head on them.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

He wasn’t going to be able to be held responsible if the people at the door mysteriously disappeared. Holding his hand up as he retreated from their bedroom, as if that would stop Joshua from going where ever he was going, he reluctantly went to the console beside the front door.

The pushed the button to connect to the console at the front door, and the screen lit up to show a very eager looking female with a camera floating over her shoulder. Kaidan glared darkly at her through the screen, feeling his biotics prickle over his hands.

“What?” he snapped.

“Kaidan Alenko, I’m—“

“I don’t care who you are, _leave._ ”

“We were just hoping for a statement regarding Commander Shepard,” the woman stated calmly, her eyes still betraying how eager she was for her story. Kaidan clenched his teeth.

“Then wait for the Alliance’s statement, I don’t have one. If you’re going to stay at my doorstep I’ll be calling the Alliance Police to remove you.”

“We know he’s alive, Major.”

“I _will_ go down there and remove you myself,” Kaidan snapped, the corona around his fists snapped as well.

The woman, looking affronted, leaned closer to the console. “Is that a _threat_ Major?”

He took a deep breath, straightened up and took a single step back from the console so that the light around his arms would be visible to her. “No,” he said. “It’s a promise.”

He disconnected the console, turned off the doorbell, and turned around to the bedroom door again. He was momentarily torn between going to the living room and alerting Miranda to the fact that at least one reporter had found their house, or returning to their room, but as he approached the end of the hallway and the split off between their room and the living room he heard Joshua muttering in their room.

He automatically opened the bedroom door. Joshua was still sitting on their bed, but his elbows were resting on his knees and his hands were up and over his ears. He couldn’t see his face, obstructed by his arms, but he could hear him muttering, “No, no, no,” on repeat.

“Joshua?” Kaidan asked, automatically switching from pissed to concern. He took a step into the room, but Joshua looked up at him, his expression panicked, and threw out a hand to stop him.

“Kaidan, no, stop there…god…oh my fucking god…” He looked like he was shaking, the hand he’d thrown up going back to cover his face. “What have I done?” His voice cracked.

Kaidan took a deep breath, ready to handle whatever Joshua had just stumbled on. He took another step forward, which Joshua apparently somehow caught out of the corner of his eye.

He looked up again, one hand still in his hair, and shook his head. “No, no stay there…stay…I…”

“Why?” Kaidan asked softly, aching to just go over to the bed and pull Joshua close and tell him it was okay.

“I did it…I can’t believe I did it, _why_ did I do it? Everyone thinks I’m this big strong hero and I’m _not_ I’m just a failure…why? How could I do that to him? He was the _only one_ who believed in me all along and I-,” Joshua’s voice cracked, and Kaidan saw the tears start pouring down his face. “What have I done?”

Somehow he managed to make it to the end of the bed before Joshua flinched and held his hand up for him to stop again. He sat on the end of the bed, leaning towards him and setting his hand on the bed closer to him so he could reach for it if he wanted to.

“Joshua,” Kaidan called softly, watching as Joshua looked up at him, gave the slightest of head shakes, and then pressed his forehead into his knees.

Kaidan, of course, knew exactly what Joshua had just realised but he’d hoped that Joshua wouldn’t ever remember what had happened. At least not _that_ part. It was clear enough that something had happened which had resulted in Admiral Anderson’s death, and that it had likely been Joshua who had caused it. But Kaidan had known how much Joshua looked up to the man, he had practically been a father figure, and he hadn’t wanted…well this.

“Why did you remember?” Kaidan asked, sighing heavily and sitting further back on the bed. If he reached out he could just touch Joshua’s knee, but he didn’t want to spook him.

“I don’t deserve to be here,” Joshua muttered into his knees. Kaidan clenched his teeth. “ _He_ should be here, why am _I_ here?”

He couldn’t take it anymore, being just out of reach of Joshua when he wanted to hold him and make it all better.

He’d already come to terms with the implications of Anderson’s death, months ago. The man had fought until the day he died, a true soldier and a brilliant man. He couldn’t imagine that Anderson would ever hold whatever Joshua had done to cause his death against him, he’d loved him that much and it had been obvious from the beginning of the SR-1 shakedown.

He shifted onto his knees, shuffling up the bed and wrapping his arms around Joshua just in time for the man to lash out and start struggling against him.

“Joshua, it’s _okay_ , just calm down, everything’s going to be fine,” Kaidan told him insistently, over the sounds of Joshua yelling and telling him to get away.

He couldn’t even tell if Joshua was trying to keep him away because he was trying to punish himself or because he actually thought he was dangerous. Either way, once he had his arms firmly around his shoulders and had tugged him against his chest, Joshua didn’t struggle for very long. Quickly settling into soft sobs and pressing his face against his chest. Kaidan bit his lip, feeling the tears soaking his shirt.

He was going to murder every reporter who got within five feet of them.

He ran his fingers through Joshua’s hair, using his other arm to hold him in place in case he tried to escape again.

No one had explicitly mentioned Anderson to Joshua since he’d woken up, all the times he had been mentioned Joshua had been the one to bring him up. When he did bring him up he tended to suddenly get really quiet afterwards, or have some sort of episode. Kaidan suspected that part of the reason Joshua was so heart broken, besides his clear shock and panic over the whole situation, was that he’d finally realised that Anderson was actually dead.

It must have been even worse realising he was the reason for it. Kaidan couldn’t even imagine, but he knew it wasn’t Joshua’s fault. Joshua was a gentle soul who never hurt anyone unless he had to, there must have been a reason.

“I did it, Kaidan,” Joshua finally croaked after a few minutes. Kaidan kissed the top of Joshua’s head, then buried his nose into the hair there. “I did it because I wasn’t strong enough, and he was still _proud of me_.” A sob wracked Joshua’s frame, and he curled up more, bringing his hands up to cover his face. “I’m a monster,” he whispered, his voice high and thin, Kaidan barely heard it muffled behind his hands.

“You’re not,” Kaidan told him, wrapping his both arms around him again and squeezing him.

“Why am _I_ here? Of all the people who deserved to come back, he…”

Kaidan shushed him softly, having a hard time hearing the words coming out of his lover’s mouth. “Please…please don’t talk like that,” he begged him gently, even though he was pretty sure it would be in vain. Joshua didn’t actually seem to be reacting to anything he was saying.

There was another short moment of silence, followed by a high pitched, nervous rush of laughter from the man in his arms. “It’s all a farce,” he laughed again. “Some hero, look I murdered the one man who kept Earth standing while I was out fucking around the galaxy. I’m going back to jail again, I _deserve_ …I…” And just like that the laughter turned to sobs again.

Kaidan had the distinct feeling that he both needed to tell Miranda about this _now_ and not be out of Joshua’s sight. He didn’t even want to ask if Joshua actually remembered everything that had happened, or if he was just remembering bits and pieces and that piece just so happened to be one of them.

In his arms were the shattered remains of a man who had stood in front of the entire galaxy and told them he would do anything to protect them, and he didn’t even know where to start. So, he just sat with him in the dark room, not even bothering to call attention to lunch coming and going. He just listened to him, hushed him when he started working himself up again, and whispered soft denials of every terrible thing he said about himself as the day wore on.

At some point they lay down on the bed, Kaidan still with a tight hold around his lover as if trying to keep him together. Joshua curled up against his chest, head tucked up under his arm. It was awful, it was the most awful thing Kaidan had ever had to see. The sheer amount of self-hate that had been expressed was painful enough, the fact that he couldn’t combat it because Joshua’s ears were essentially shut made it worse.

No matter how many times he whispered to Joshua that it would be okay, or told him not to say things like he was saying, he just continued as if he hadn’t heard. Kaidan didn’t know if he actually hadn’t heard, or if he just felt like he needed to say them so he said them anyways.

It was already dark outside by the time that Joshua actually stirred again. Kaidan had thought he’d fallen asleep, he’d been quiet for the past half hour or so.

“Kaidan…” he muttered, his voice raw from crying. “What time is it?”

Kaidan looked down at him, wondering if that would always be his question. He glanced over at the clock on the side table by his side of the bed. “5:30,” he told him gently, he almost felt like if he spoke normally he’d break him. “Are you hungry?” The question was hopeful, maybe he’d get to see a bit of Joshua and not the broken mess he’d been with for the past several hours.

“No,” was Joshua’s soft and monotone reply.

Kaidan sighed softly, running his fingers through Joshua’s bangs and pulling them back along the side of his head. “You haven’t eaten since breakfast.”

“Okay.”

“I need to go send Miranda a message,” he added, hoping Joshua may inquire to whether she was okay or not after dealing with the cameras. Not that he had an answer, just that he wanted _something_.

“Okay.”

“I love you,” Kaidan whispered, squeezing Joshua tightly and sitting up slightly to bury his face in his hair. He just wanted him to stop hurting, for everything to be okay again. He wanted to see Joshua laugh like he used to, to see that boyish look in his eyes every time they made eye contact. Even though he knew it may never happen.

There was no answer, just the feeling of Joshua clenching his jaw against his chest. Kaidan’s heart hurt in the absence of words, he thought _he_ may cry, but he took a deep breath and patted Joshua’s shoulder gently.

“Come with me into the living room,” he told him.

“Why?”

“Because I want you to.”

He felt Joshua swallow, and then watched as he sat up. When they made eye contact, even in the dark room, Kaidan could see the sadness in his eyes. He sat up himself, moving to get up off the bed and turning to watch as Joshua looked at him, then at the bedroom door blankly before getting off the bed himself.

He went into the living room and Joshua followed slowly behind, one hand in his pocket and the other scratching at the back of his head. He almost looked relaxed, normal, but the blank look on his face like he was barely processing what was going on around him made it obvious that nothing was right. His usually expressive face was completely blank.

Kaidan went for his omnitool and Joshua sat on the couch, staring blankly out the window into the city as Kaidan checked the message he’d received from Miranda a few hours earlier.

 _That was a complete nightmare,_ it said. _I’ll be making sure to only hire assistants through SB from now on, obviously the Alliance has subpar filtering systems. Do_ not _under any circumstances let Joshua watch the news right now it is completely filled with speculations and a good deal of lies. I’ve seen everything from “Commander Shepard has been cloned by a remaining sect of Cerberus” to “Commander Shepard is alive but is now a quadriplegic”. Please don’t let him watch any of it. The Alliance plans to release a statement of some sort this evening, but at this point I think the press is_ having fun _with making up these stories._

_He didn’t react too badly to seeing the mass of press outside the hospital, did he?_

_Keep him inside._

_Miranda Lawson_

Kaidan looked down at the message for a few moments after he’d finished reading it, before looking over at Joshua who was still staring blankly out the window. How was he supposed to explain this to Miranda? Any of it? He leaned forward slightly, trying to catch his lover’s eye and getting the slightest of flicks of his gaze before it was gone to the window again.

Kaidan turned back to his omnitool.

 _The press showed up at our apartment, I don’t know how many are here I just disconnected the doorbell because Joshua started reacting_ badly _to the press being around._

He paused, took a step across the room and leaned against the wall, facing Joshua and watching him closely even though he didn’t do anything, just sat straight on the couch and stared out the window. Kaidan didn’t even think he was seeing anything.

_He remembered something about Anderson’s death. He’s not doing good at all. I think he remembered something bad, he hasn’t been okay since we got back._

_Kaidan_

He couldn’t think of anything else to write to her, other than some sort of long description of what had happened and he didn’t want to impede on Joshua’s privacy on the matter. He sent the message as it was, put his omnitool on the table, and stood in front of Joshua for a moment until he looked up at him.

“Hey,” he said when Joshua looked up at him. Joshua’s eyebrows twitched up slightly before he turned back to the window.

“Hey.”

“Joshua, look…”

“We should probably break up, I’m leaving,” Joshua muttered.

Kaidan stared down at him, his brain trying to catch up with the words which had just been said to him. “Wh…what?” he asked, shaking his head and furrowing his brow in confusion.

“I’m a murderer. I don’t deserve you, I deserve to be put away. I’ll just…go somewhere. Or something…”

“No,” Kaidan told him, his voice stronger than he’d expected it would be. He was already shaking, his stomach had started doing uncomfortable flip flops.

“You don’t seem to get it,” Joshua said to him, looking up at him and shaking his head a bit. “I _killed_ someone.”

“So have I!” Kaidan snapped, putting his hands on Joshua’s shoulders and shaking him slightly.

“It’s different! I killed someone who _believed in me,_ he was _proud_ of me and I _killed him_!” Joshua yelled back, surging to his feet and pushing Kaidan away from him. He’d forgotten how strong he could be.

“ _Something_ happened up there on the Citadel Joshua, _something_ , you wouldn’t have just killed him without there being a reason!” he insisted, taking hold of Joshua’s shoulders again and shaking him harder this time.

“Oh, yeah, there was a reason,” Joshua spat. “Mister Illusive walked into the room and he was so _fucking indoctrinated_ that I became indoctrinated too and _killed Anderson_ because of it! I was supposed to be better that, I was supposed to be stronger than that! _He_ believed that I was better than that!”

“And so what? Huh? Now you’re just going to leave and go…go where Joshua? Where are you going to go?” Kaidan demanded, he was pretty sure their neighbours could hear them.

“I’ll go put this right because I was _not_ the one who should have come walking out of that!” Joshua yelled, jerking out of Kaidan’s hold on his shoulder.

Kaidan punched him, right across the cheek. Then, when Joshua looked like he was going to retaliate, Kaidan put him in a stasis from the neck down and gripped his shoulders hard.

“Kaidan let _go_ of me!” Joshua cried, he could feel him struggling against the stasis.

“No,” he said, feeling remarkably calm for all there was a nasty red mark blossoming on Joshua’s cheek and he’d just used biotics on his lover. “No, I’m not going to let go, you’re going to _sit still_ and listen to me and you’re either going to do it like this or sitting on the damn couch.”

Joshua looked at him for a moment, looking angry and disgusted, then the look started giving way to that same sad look he’d had in their bedroom minutes ago. “Okay…” he muttered, gaze dropping between them.

Kaidan’s calm gave way to guilt and he automatically let his lover go and wrapped his arms tightly around him. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I don’t know what came over me I…” He took a deep breath, took a half step back so that he could see Joshua’s face and motioned to the couch. “Sit.”

Joshua did, sitting on the edge of the couch and clenching his hands into fists on his knees. Kaidan looked down at him for a moment, feeling supremely guilty for having hit him. He knelt on the floor in front of him, between his legs, and reached up to hold his face in his hands. Joshua looked up at him from the floor and took a stuttering breath.

“You’re not going to jail.”

“I _deserve_ to—“

“No, listen, _listen_ to me,” Kaidan insisted softly, looking up into his lover’s eyes imploringly. “You were always saying that people who were indoctrinated couldn’t be held accountable for their actions, that they’d just been used as a weapon, but they weren’t responsible themselves. That they were just a vessel.”

Joshua took another shuddering breath. “Th-Thane taught me…that as an assassin he was merely a weapon, not a killer, but an instrument that the murderer used. But I—“

“No.” He shook his head. “No buts. You were able to overcome the indoctrination and save the entire galaxy. Anderson _is_ proud of you.”

“He’s _dead_ ,” Joshua said, his voice breaking and tipping upwards at the end as his eyes filled with tears again. Kaidan watched as Joshua closed his eyes, dropped his head forward again and more tears fell.

He rose up on his knees, wrapping his arms around Joshua’s neck and tugging him forward until Joshua had his forehead on his shoulder. “I know, but would he want you to be?”

Joshua didn’t reply for several minutes, Kaidan could feel his body shaking with sobs and the tears soaking into the shoulder of his shirt. He waited, because he knew he’d backed Joshua into a corner. Joshua loved Anderson, and knew exactly what the answer was.

Finally, Joshua’s arms came up and wrapped around his shoulders, and Joshua _squeezed_. “No,” was his watery reply.

“Don’t leave me Joshua, I can’t, I _can’t_ lose you again. I…” A lump formed in his throat and the very thought of having to deal with it again, of seeing Joshua’s back as he left. He could see every time he’d done it _so_ clearly. On Virmire, on the SR-1, at the hospital, at the beam run, all the times when he hadn’t been sure he’d ever see him again. He took a shaking breath. “I _love_ you. I think, I _know_ , that Anderson would want you to be happy.”

Joshua sniffled, lifted his head slightly and slid onto the floor. He felt him nuzzle against the side of his head, burying his nose into the juncture of his shoulder and neck. The arms that had been around his shoulders moved, one around his back and the other hand coming up to thread through his hair.

Kaidan swallowed thickly, sniffling as well, Joshua squeezed him. “Don’t cry Kaidan,” Joshua muttered, lifting his head and tugging him closer. Kaidan hadn’t even realised that he’d started crying. “I’m not going…anywhere. I’m sorry.”

What a mess they both were, sitting on the floor of their living room sobbing into each other. Kaidan was pretty sure he should feel guilty about making it all about himself, but he felt so much relief from Joshua’s words that he didn’t care.

His omnitool started beeping.

Kaidan sighed, burying his face into Joshua’s neck and leaving it there. He tried to ignore the incessant beeping, but apparently Joshua couldn’t. He felt him move, heard him scrabbling to reach for it, and heard it make that little noise it made when it connected.

“Kaidan? Is Joshua alright?” he heard Miranda ask, her concern leaking into her usually stoic tone of voice.

“I think so,” Kaidan said, pretty sure she could hear. “Ask him.”

“What?”

“I’m the one with the omnitool,” Joshua told her. The both sounded like they’d been crying, their voices nasally and raw.

“Oh... Are you alright?” Miranda asked, clearly trying to tone down her concern a bit.

“Yeah…I think so.”

“I can have Shaek sent to your apartment tomorrow, you can’t come here, but I’ve already called to have someone stationed at the entrance to your apartment building so no one should be there.” Miranda told him, sounding disbelieving.

Joshua sniffed. “Okay.”

“It wasn’t your fault Joshua,” Miranda told him, and Kaidan felt him tense up in his arms. “I know you’re going to think it was, but it wasn’t. I’ll send Shaek at about noon, please keep me updated, and let me know if you need anything. Goodnight boys.”

The communication cut out, Miranda seemingly running before Joshua could deny or accept what she’d told him. He heard Joshua set down the omnitool and felt the arm which had left him come around him against as Joshua snuggled back against him.

“She already knew didn’t she?” Joshua asked softly.

“Yeah…we all kind of did, but we didn’t want…well this to happen,” Kaidan told him, pulling back and watching as Joshua looked at him desperately. He managed a small smile, hoping it would be somewhat reassuring. “No one blames you.”

Joshua’s lip trembled and he leaned forward, pressing their lips together and squeezing him tightly. Kaidan pressed against him, kissing him back briefly before Joshua pulled away again. “I love you Kaidan,” Joshua said, with a face that told Kaidan that he still felt like he should be punished, or something, and a face that still told him how much pain he was in.

“I love you too,” Kaidan replied, reaching up to brush some of Joshua’s hair behind his ears. “If you need anything, let me know, okay? I’ll do anything for you, I…I just want to see you smile again. _Really_ smile.”

Joshua’s gaze dropped between them. “I don’t know if I can do that right now.”

“No, I know,” he told him, cupping his cheek in his hand and coaxing his gaze back up. “But I’ll be here when you can.”

Joshua nodded. “Okay…” He swallowed and pressed his lips together, before nodding again slowly. “So will I.”


	25. Hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, so this chapter's a bit different because there's a POV change pretty quick off, sorry about that.

He sat on the couch, with Shaek sitting across the room from him on one of their dining chairs. The man towered over him from that angle. He was blocking his view of the TV, which was off and had been off for over twenty-four hours because Kaidan and Miranda were in agreement that he was a delicate snowflake who couldn’t handle news stories that were obvious lies.

It wasn’t like there was anything to protect him from anymore, he knew enough. He’d killed the one person who had always believed in him, the person who had convinced him to join the military, the person who, with his dying breath, had told him that he was proud of him, and called him ‘son’. Apparently he was just really good at getting his parental figures killed.

He didn’t deserve any of this, Kaidan, the apartment, or the drell sitting across from him regarding him with concern. Once the Alliance realised what he’d done, they’d put him in jail again. He wouldn’t get out this time.

Kaidan may have been right, maybe he, Anderson, wouldn’t want him to end up dead somewhere in a ditch. Not like he could hold or even think about holding… a gu… He flinched, he knew that he flinched. Shaek lifted his chin slightly and he saw Kaidan shuffle uncomfortably standing in the doorway of the living room from the hallway out of the corner of his eye.

He was sitting on the couch with his entire body turned into the arm rest, his arms folded, his legs crossed. He didn’t want Shaek to be there, he wanted to be left alone, but not even Kaidan would leave him for a moment of silence. He was constantly being asked if he was okay, or if he needed anything and it was exhausting.

He just wanted to be left alone to his revolving thoughts and to wait until the Alliance figured out what he’d done and came to lock him away. And they would figure it out. If they were willing to put him in jail for saving human colonies from getting abducted, they’d probably just skip the trial and throw him straight into solitary for the next hundred years of his life.

“What are you thinking about?” Shaek asked him finally, and he looked up from the floor where his gaze had fallen. He glanced up at Kaidan, who had been regarding him with concern.

“Nothing,” he told Shaek, he felt none of the obligation that he’d felt before to answer the questions he was being asked. He couldn’t even remember the last one which Shaek had asked him.

“You have been silent for over ten minutes,” Shaek told him, maintaining a neutral tone while simultaneously calling him a big liar. He almost got mad, but instead just turned further into the arm over the couch. He was pretty sure he was about at the point where he was actually going to become a part of it. Shaek sighed softly, and Joshua was reminded of how Thane used to sigh when he was tolerating him. “Kaidan tells me you were talking about leaving last night, and saying something about setting things right.”

Oh good, so Kaidan was telling on him again. Why did he keep telling him things? The last few times he’d told Kaidan anything Miranda or Shaek had turned around a few days later and asked him about it as if it was their business to know. It wasn’t even Kaidan’s business. He’d been a lot better off before, when he’d kept everything to himself. Next thing he knew, Mr. Nobody on the street would turn to him and ask him how he felt about dying on the SR-1 too.

Joshua turned to throw a glare at Kaidan, but Shaek called him back. “No, don’t look at him, I’m the one talking to you right now, you don’t get to avoid the question by stomping out this time Mr. Shepard, this is serious.”

Joshua was shocked by Shaek’s tone of voice, looking up at him with wide eyes and still seeing the calm on the man’s face, despite the sharp tone in his voice and the imploring look in his eyes. He pressed his lips together, gaze dropping to his knees instead of making eye contact with the man who was looking at him so intensely. There was been a time when he could stare anyone down, but now he just didn’t want to.

“But I…”

“No, not this time Mr. Shepard. Please, answer my question.” The fact that he could say both stern and kind words with the same breath really reminded him of Thane.

He sighed, considered telling Shaek that there was no question, but he knew well enough that there was one. He wasn’t going to insult both of their intelligences by denying it. Had he or had he not said those things? He nodded, just a tiny one.

“Tell me what you meant.”

“You _know_ what I mean. You’re not stupid,” Joshua snapped, staring at the table and wringing his hands together on his lap. He heard Kaidan move, over to his right, and their bedroom door sliding open.

“I want you to understand the depths of your words. You have made similar statements in the past, both that you did not plan to return from the Cerberus suicide mission or the beam run during the Reaper War. So tell me what you meant, and if you still mean it,” Shaek instructed him. He was too damn calm.

“I meant that I was going to find a way to put right that I had _somehow_ managed to walk out of the Reaper War after I _killed_ Anderson. What do you want me to say? I was _going_ to find a way to shoo—“

For some reason there was a model thrust into his field of vision. He looked up to see Kaidan holding out his smaller Normandy model and looking very distressed. He had no idea why Kaidan had just brought him the model, but he took it in one hand and used the other to tug the hand which had been offering the model against his face. Kaidan’s hand was warm, just a bit too warm like he was panicking, and shaking a bit.

He glanced over at Shaek, who was regarding him very seriously. He swallowed, nuzzling against Kaidan’s hand and looking up at him to see the worry and _fear_ in his eyes.

“It’s fine now,” Joshua told Kaidan, more than Shaek. “Really, it’s okay.” He saw Kaidan’s lip twitch downwards slightly. He looked back over at Shaek, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Shaek’s pen tapped against the clipboard which was always on his lap. Yet, Joshua had noticed, he didn’t write on it as often as he once did. When they’d started their first session he seemed to be constantly writing, then less and less as their time went on together.

Maybe he just knew everything already.

“How would you feel about some anti-depre—“

“No,” Joshua snapped, releasing Kaidan and clenching his now free hand into a fist on his leg. “No, absolutely not, I’m not _crazy_ I don’t need medicine to make me better.”

“That is not what medicine is for, Mr. Shepard.”

“You asked how I would feel, that’s how I feel. I don’t need some crutch to behave like a functioning human being, I _am_ functioning!” The way that Shaek’s lip twitched slightly at the side made his blood boil. All at once he felt like he was being looked down upon, pitied. How terrible it must be for the once great Commander Shepard to have to put his entire being in the hands of a tiny little pill. “Fuck this shit!”

He rose to his feet, dropping the model on the couch and pushing past Kaidan into their bedroom.

-o-

Kaidan looked back in the direction which his lover had just gone, the closed door which had made a very definitely locking sound as soon as it shut. He took a deep, calming breath. It seemed that all Joshua could be was sad or angry, angrier than he’d ever let people see him before. He had never see him blow up like he had been doing recently.

That, of course, was not to say he hadn’t. Joshua had always had a private cabin, he’d probably done his blowing up there. He’d never sworn or shown any cracks out in public, but it was impossible that he didn’t have any. Everyone had cracks.

He looked at Dr. Shaek apologetically, but he was just looking after Joshua as intently as he’d been doing. There was slight concern on his face, but when he caught Kaidan looking at him he shrugged slightly and the corners of his mouth turned up.

“I was expecting that reaction, more or less,” the doctor told him calmly. Kaidan’s brow furrowed, he was guessing that he had expected it less.

“Do you want coffee?” he asked, feeling nervous and wanting to get his hands working. Having Joshua out of his sight was making him feel twitchy.

Dr. Shaek smiled at him indulgently and motioned to the couch. “Please, sit, Mr. Alenko.”

Kaidan frowned, pointing uselessly towards the kitchen and wondering why on Earth Shaek wanted _him_ to sit. Shaek motioned again anyways, and Kaidan felt compelled to sit. The spot which Joshua had been occupying was warm, he leaned back into the warmth subconsciously and picked up the model. He turned the Normandy over in his hands, listening for the sounds of _anything_ in the bedroom. Their walls were thick though, he probably wouldn’t hear more than muffled sounds unless Joshua was talking loudly.

“That was thoughtful of you,” Dr. Shaek told him, motioning to the model when he looked up in confusion.

“Oh, heh, yeah. He worries his hands when he’s nervous, but he’s gentler on the model so I figured…” But it hadn’t worked, and now Joshua was in the other room. He stared down at the Normandy in his hands.

He grimaced, remembering the train of thought he’d come back into the room to. As likely as it was that Joshua had probably been about to start stuttering, and would as such have been unable to complete his sentence, Kaidan had interrupted him on purpose. He hadn’t wanted to hear it.

“Are you alright?” Dr. Shaek asked him softly, probably trying to make sure that Joshua wouldn’t hear in the next room. Kaidan looked up at the doctor and almost told him that he didn’t feel like being psych-probed, but he sighed instead, shook his head, rested his elbow on the arm of the sofa and covered his face with his hand. “It is not easy,” the doctor told him.

“It’s harder on him,” Kaidan told him insistently.

Dr. Shaek sighed. “Sometimes I do wonder.” Kaidan looked up at him, ready to be frustrated with the doctor for even implying that watching Joshua going through this was worse than Joshua actually going through it, but the drell was glancing out the window, lost in thought.

 “I’m making coffee,” he told him instead, pushing himself to his feet and setting the model down on the table carefully. He heard something crash in the next room, and turned to go see what had happened.

“Leave him,” Dr. Shaek instructed gently. Kaidan turned to him, surprised, he was wearing a calm expression and looked unfazed. He didn’t even flinch at the second crash.  “He is angry, but I do not believe he is a danger to himself.”

Kaidan frowned back in the direction of their bedroom, trying desperately to stare through the wall. What if the doctor was wrong? He hadn’t been able to let Joshua out of his sight since the night before, feeling nervous and worried every time he’d even gone into the bathroom. He pursed his lips and shook his head slightly, turning away from their bedroom and back towards the kitchen.

“Coffee?” he asked, the doctor was already standing, and nodded graciously to him before following him into the kitchen.

“You are tired,” Dr. Shaek told him as he measured out coffee into the coffee maker.

“I’m pretty sure the Alliance is paying you to psycho-analyse Joshua, not me,” Kaidan told him, then tensed up and turned to give him an apologetic look. “Sorry I just…”

“Don’t like shrinks?” the doctor asked, his brows raising slightly, Kaidan saw humour in his eyes. “Not many do, Mr. Alenko. Meeting someone who is paid to get into your head is not a pleasant experience, I have met very few patients who enjoyed the experience and those that did tended to have very odd reasons for liking it.”

Kaidan frowned and turned back to his coffee making, sighing softly. The man was painfully observant, perhaps the reason that Joshua appeared so comfortable talking to him was that he noticed it in some capacity and knew he couldn’t hide. He’d so easily called Joshua on his bullshit earlier, when he’d tried to deny that he’d been thinking for over ten minutes straight.

“I’m exhausted,” Kaidan admitted softly, not loud enough to travel out of the kitchen, god forbid that Joshua hear. “But I’m not going anywhere, he needs me more than anything right now.”

“On that, we are in agreement. But, there is nothing like having to watch someone suffer within themselves. It is not a comfortable experience and you, a soldier, who is used to his enemies being on the outside, must be finding this very frustrating,” Dr. Shaek told him gently.

He’d hit the nail right on the head, so hard that Kaidan almost flinched. He set the coffee maker boiling and stood against the counter on the opposite side of the kitchen with his arms crossed. He thought of his and Joshua’s first night at the apartment.

“Every time I think things are starting to go better…they just get worse again. It can’t be any less frustrating for Joshua, I…”

“Do not deny your own frustration, you are experiencing an entirely different battle in this.” Kaidan had noticed the man’s intelligence over their past few weeks together, but he wasn’t just smart, he was wise. Kaidan wondered how he’d come into so much knowledge in his life. “And things may appear to be getting better before turning for the worse again for a while, even later on you may be lulled into a false sense of security and find that he has slipped again. Such is the reality of mental illness.”

Kaidan hated to call it ‘mental illness’ besides sounding final, it also had all sorts of terrible connotations attached to it, but the doctor was right. He sighed, rubbing his hand over his face. What a terrible thing to have handed to him right after saving the entire galaxy, it was like Joshua just couldn’t catch a break. His heart hurt for him.

“You’re going to be pushing those pills aren’t you?”

“A strong anti-anxiety and depression medication which won’t conflict with the sleep medication that he is taking,” Dr. Shaek told him, nodding solemnly when he looked up at him.

“What if he’s not Joshua anymore once he’s taking them?”

“Your worries are understandable, but unwarranted. Medication such as this has been tested and used for hundreds of years now, and I have a full report of Joshua’s brain chemistry and blood chemistry thanks to his cybernetics and Miranda’s diligence. I know exactly what I should be giving him.”

“You noticed the anxiety.”

“Of course I did, as much as you did.”

Kaidan sighed, covering his face with his hands and then groaning softly. Getting Joshua to take the pills would be fun, it would probably be akin to trying to give a panicking, tantrum throwing toddler a shot.

“I hit him last night you know,” he told Dr. Shaek softly, through his hands. He felt so guilty for it, there was still a red spot on his cheek bone and he had the slightest of black eyes. He’d been so angry, so frustrated, he’d just wanted Joshua to listen to him, but he’d also wanted him to just _stop_.

“Yes, he had a very impressive mark on his face. Humans turn interesting colours when they are hit,” the doctor told him. Kaidan looked up, surprised, and Dr. Shaek smiled at him gently. “Next time I would recommend putting your words on your tongue, instead of in your fist.”

Kaden nodded, and thanked Liara silently for sending this man to them. What would they have done without him?

“What about when I can’t get through to him?”

“Mr. Shepard is a stubborn person, almost brilliantly so, but he hears you, he hears every word you say even when you don’t mean it. And, specifically, if _you_ tell him that you want something, clearly, he will listen to you,” Dr. Shaek explained, leaning against the counter that the coffee maker was boiling on.

“You want me to tell him to take the medication, don’t you?” Kaidan asked, glancing in the general direction of their bedroom and wondering if he’d be able to.

“He tells us that he doesn’t need medication, he says he doesn’t want it because it is a crutch. Do you believe it would be a crutch?” the doctor asked him, folding his arms and tilting his chin up thoughtfully.

Kaidan snorted, turning back to Dr. Shaek and shaking his head. “He’s being a complete hypocrite, he was using stimulants on the SR-2 to keep himself awake during the war.” Dr. Shaek’s brows rose, just a fraction. “…You knew about that, didn’t you?”

The man’s lips curved up, just a bit at the side. “He mentioned it, in passing.” There was a moment of silence, other than the bubbling coffee maker, as Kaidan thought about Dr. Shaek’s words. “I believe you could speak with him now.”

Kaidan decided that Dr. Shaek was a manipulative genius who used his powers for good. He glanced over in the direction of the bedroom where he desperately wanted to be, and then back at the doctor who nodded at him. “Coffee’ll be a bit late,” he warned.

“I have nowhere else to be.”

Kaidan chuckled softly and turned to exit the kitchen and go down the hallway. When he came to the bedroom door, which was locked, he sighed softly. He didn’t know why Joshua had locked it, he had an override code on his omnitool which he used and watched as the door slid open.

He entered, and quickly swept his gaze from one end of the room to the other.

Three of Joshua’s models were missing from the desk, one of them was the Reaper model which had broken in the Normandy crash, and the second appeared to be a turian cruiser which he was pretty sure was also one of his older ones, the other was his larger Normandy model.

The pieces of said missing models appeared to be scattered around their room, a few on their bed and the rest, he assumed, were on the floor on the other side, he could see a few had ricocheted back to the dresser. Two identical dent marks stood beside each other on their wall just to the right of Joshua’s side of the bed.

Joshua was sitting on the bed, with his back to him, staring out the window of their bedroom and trying too hard to not turn around and see him. His shoulders were tense, hunched forward slightly, from what Kaidan could see he was turning something over in his hands.

Remembering that he’d only counted two crashes, he took a few steps forward, enough to see around Joshua’s hunched shoulders. The Normandy was in his hands, in one piece as Joshua turned it over. He didn’t speak, but he clearly knew that Kaidan was standing there, he even turned his head slightly so that his ear was angled towards him.

Kaidan crossed his arms, looked down at one of the legs of the Reaper which had bounced all the way back to the drawers, and sighed softly. Might as well start with what Dr. Shaek had already coaxed out of him. “You’re being a hypocrite, you know,” he told Joshua softly.

Part of him expected an explosion like from earlier, for him to start swearing until he was blue in the face, but that hadn’t really been Joshua, at least not out from behind closed doors. The man on the bed just sighed and leaned forward a bit more. “Yeah?” he asked, just sounding exhausted.

“You used to take the stimulants all the time on the SR-2 during the Reaper War, but now you’re saying that drugs are a crutch.” He shifted his weight to the side, trying to get a better look at Joshua, who shook his head slightly. He was so hunched over that he couldn’t even really see his face.

“That’s stupid,” Joshua replied. “I needed the stimulants because I needed to be awake in order to fight the damn war properly. They made me better than I am, these are just supposed to make me better, like I’m broken or something.”

“And that’s bullshit,” Kaidan retorted. “All it did was make you tired, irritable, and it made you start making stupid mistakes on the battlefield that _no one_ wanted to mention. It didn’t make you fight the war properly, it impaired your judgement so you _thought_ you were fighting properly. After you stopped using them you got better again, simple as that.”

“I didn’t _stop_ using them.”

“What?” Kaidan asked, frowning and not sure whether he was going to like the next part of the conversation.

“Garrus _hid them_ and so I couldn’t find them anymore.”

“Well thank _god_ for Garrus then,” Kaidan replied, an edge to his voice. He’d be angry that Joshua had lied to him about the stupid stimulants later, that was not what this argument was about and Joshua was obviously trying to derail him. “The point, of _this_ conversation, is that you’ve used drugs before.”

“I don’t need them, what the hell are they going to do anyways?” Joshua demanded, turning to look at him finally. He looked so hurt, so frustrated and exhausted. Kaidan couldn’t quite pick up on it, he was just as frustrated, hurt, and exhausted.

“They’ll make it so that things can start working properly again!” He insisted, tone becoming desperate.

“Things are already ‘working properly’, Kaidan!”

“Look around you, Joshua, your _head’s_ _not_ working properly!” Kaidan snapped.

Joshua’s previous expression was promptly wiped from his face, his cheeks going white and then immediately turning bright red. He turned away again, set the Normandy on the floor at his feet, and curled up with his arms wrapped tightly around himself.

Bad choice of words.

“My head _is_ working properly,” Joshua insisted, with that tiny thin voice that Kaidan had come to hate because it was so the opposite of the Joshua he was used to.

Very, very bad choice of words.

He needed to stop letting his frustration cloud his judgement. At least he hadn’t tried to deck the poor man again, though he wasn’t sure that being lashed with words was any less harmful.

He sat on the bed beside Joshua, just about at the edge so he was giving him about a foot of space between them.

“I’m sorry,” Kaidan told him gently, watching in dismay as Joshua inched away just a bit.

“Stop saying that.”

“Stop saying what?” he asked.

“Stop apologising.”

He sighed. “Why?”

“Because I’m _fucked up_ in the head and even you can’t keep lying about it anymore,” Joshua told him, Kaidan could tell he was talking through clenched teeth.

Yeah okay, he already knew that no matter how much Joshua had denied it that he thought that, but he didn’t need Joshua thinking that he thought it as well. He didn’t, he just said really stupid shit when he was hurt or angry. Case in point: Horizon. Case in point 2.0: Mars.

Kaidan sighed again, shifted over, and wrapped his arms around Joshua, who shook his head slightly.

“No, go away,” Joshua told him, with absolutely no bite in his voice.

“Why?” Kaidan asked, tugging him closer anyways and resting his chin on his head. If Joshua didn’t want to be there he wouldn’t be, at least he told himself that.

“Because you’re going to tell me that there’s nothing wrong with me, and that everything’s okay and it’s _not._ And then you’re going to tell me to take the drugs anyways,” Joshua mumbled.

“Well, first of all, everything _is_ okay,” he told him.

“Anderson is dead.”

If that was going to be the thing that Joshua pulled out for the next hundred years as the reason why everything was not okay, so be it.

He ignored Joshua’s protest, only dignifying it with a lingering kiss to the top of his head, before continuing, “There _is_ something wrong, I can’t deny that without lying through my teeth, but it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with _you_. It just means that something…isn’t working right.” God he wished that he had Dr. Shaek’s eloquence, he sounded like a broken record, he was just saying the same things slightly differently.

“So, there’s something wrong with me,” Joshua grumbled, shifting slightly so that he could lean over. Kaidan let him, and for some reason Joshua put his head on his lap, even though he kept his arms wrapped tightly around himself.

Kaidan sighed, running his fingers through Joshua’s hair and looking down at him. Joshua looked up at him out of the corner of his eye. “Look,” Kaidan began. “I’m just going to be completely selfish here, and say I want this all fixed because I miss you.” Which was completely selfish, and he should probably have been afraid that Joshua was now going to start doing that ‘totally fake okay’ thing he did with Miranda, but the look that Joshua gave him said he didn’t have to worry. “You’ve been through way too much stress and your brain can’t handle it anymore, I’m not saying that you’re broken,” he interrupted before Joshua could interrupt him. “I’m saying that you need some help, we _all_ need some help sometimes.”

Joshua looked up at him for a little bit longer, before rolling onto his back and reaching up with one hand to run down his cheek. “Kaidan you look so tired,” he muttered, pressing his lips together and looking like he was in a great deal of pain. “If you don’t want to do this anymore, I…”

Kaidan took the hand which was running along his cheek and held it there. “You’d do anything for me, right?” Joshua nodded. “If I got covered head to toe in scars, or lost my mind, or went on a murderous rampage, you’d stay with me right?” Joshua nodded again, his brow furrowing. “I _love you_ , you went to the edge of the galaxy and back for me, carried the entire galaxy _on your back_ for me. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I didn’t mean it like…like that I just I meant…”

“I know what you meant, and the fact that you wouldn’t blame me if I left you, even when you need me more than ever, shows…a hell of a lot, but you have to understand at some point that you’re not the only one in this relationship who would do _anything_.” Kaidan felt Joshua’s fingers twitch against his cheek. He was _exhausted_ and this was the second time in as many days that Joshua had tried to, not really, but sort of, cut off their relationship. He wished that Joshua would _stop_ being so selfless that he was being selfish.

“I just don’t want you to feel like you’re stuck,” Joshua explained softly, looking genuinely apologetic and _so_ tired.

Kaidan chuckled and started brushing his own fingers down Joshua’s cheek. “You’re the one stuck with me, love.”

Joshua closed his eyes for a minute, he ran his hand down over his face and then took hold of Kaidan’s hand gently. He nuzzled against it. “I’ll do anything,” Joshua muttered, Kaidan barely heard it.

“I want you to take the medicine, and to start calling it _medicine_ , because it’s supposed to help you,” Kaidan told him, running one finger over Joshua’s cheek. The other still had that awful mark on it. “And I won’t ever, _ever_ , hit you again,” he added.

“I deserved it,” Joshua told him, opening his eyes again and looking at him plainly.

“Would you hit me?”

Joshua blinked at him for a short moment and then sighed softly. “No.”

“Exactly.”

No, no matter how angry Joshua seemed to get with him he always seemed to manage to direct his anger at himself, not that that was a good thing either. That whole ‘putting his words on his tongue’ thing was probably a good idea.

They sat for a few minutes more in silence, Kaidan gently rubbing the pads of his fingers into Joshua’s cheek while Joshua just looked up at him and Kaidan smiled down at him.

He was pretty sure that fighting was important, they’d just spent so long trying not to do it that they only knew how to have big arguments and they didn’t know how to make up afterwards. Especially now, when both of them were feeling so fragile.

Finally Kaidan sighed. “Come on, come up here and kiss me so that we can go out and give poor Dr. Shaek his coffee before he gets bored and leaves.”

“Shaek doesn’t get bored,” Joshua told him, sitting up anyways and turning around on the bed so that he was kneeling beside him. Kaidan turned to him, an eyebrow raised. There was just that _hint_ of lightness in Joshua’s tone, the lightness he sought after because it made him feel like everything could be better.

He leaned forward, just as Joshua did the same, and their lips met somewhere in the middle. Joshua’s hand came up to thumb his cheek and the other arm found its way around his neck. He wrapped his arms around under Joshua’s and tugged him against him.

When their lips stopped meeting, Joshua pressed his forehead against him and took a shaking breath.

“You didn’t actually think I was going anywhere did you?” Kaidan asked softly, bumping their noses together.

“No, I…I’m really ready to start feeling normal again,” he told him.

Kaidan nodded slowly, pressed their lips back together again briefly and then tugged Joshua into a tight embrace. “Yeah, I know you are.”

From this angle he could see the destruction of the models on the floor between the window and the bed, Joshua had thrown them at the wall so hard that they weren’t even recognisable anymore. He was sure that the Alliance would have something to say about the dents in the wall too, but right now neither of those things mattered.

He squeezed Joshua and then pulled away, reaching down to pick up the Normandy at his feet and standing with it. Joshua looked up at him for a moment, still looking exhausted, and then nodded slowly and got up as well.

“Fine, let’s go get Shaek his coffee.”

Kaidan took his hand as they wandered around the bed, he set the model back on the dresser, and walked out into the hallway.

Dr. Shaek had returned his chair from the living room to the dining table and was sitting at it when they came around the corner into the kitchen. He turned with a mild look on his face as they entered, and then stood up from his chair.

“So…”

“So, good news, I’m going to take your d-er…medicine, apparently.” Joshua told him.

 Kaidan squeezed his hand before letting go and moving over to the coffee machine. He pulled three cups out of the cupboard, but the doctor stopped him by holding his hand up.

“Oh, none for me, thank you Mr. Alenko. I don’t drink coffee, it’s far too bitter for my tastes,” he told him, smiling at him indulgently. Kaidan frowned, looking down at the extra cup in his hand dumbfounded. He realised that the doctor had neither asked for nor accepted his offer for coffee.

The doctor stepped nimbly around him and then past Joshua as well, to the bag which he’d left at the front door. Kaidan followed him with his eyes, still holding the cup. “I am glad that you chose the…most beneficial course of action Mr. Shepard.” He took from the bag a bottle which rattled and obviously held said medication. “From Miranda, one a day with breakfast.”

“Because she was _so sure_ that I’d give in,” Joshua grumbled as he took the bottle.

“No, I’m afraid she figured I would be returning with this bottle and a broken face,” the doctor told him brightly, glancing over at Kaidan pleasantly and adding, “I will be taking my leave now, but I’ll be back tomorrow. Next time Mr. Shepard, please talk to me instead of your wall.”

Joshua was still glaring at the pill bottle. Kaidan sighed softly, put the cup back in the cupboard, and took the bottle from Joshua. Joshua looked up at him with a mix of emotions on his face that Kaidan couldn’t possibly place within the short amount of time he looked at him for. He turned to Dr. Shaek and nodded.

“Have a safe ride home doctor,” he told him.

“I assure you that I am quite safe, I am being escorted by an agent of Liara T’Soni as opposed to the Alliance personnel who has been stationed at the hospital.” The doctor smiled at them both in turn, but Joshua didn’t look at him.

“Bye,” Joshua mumbled. Dr. Shaek’s lips twitched up at the side, and then he opened the door and left.

For a moment Kaidan thought that Joshua was going to be in a bad mood, they’d obviously just been manipulated completely by the doctor who had so easily slipped from their home. He’d been right though, it was for the best.

But when he looked back over at Joshua, who was making faces at the bottle in his hand, said face suddenly cracked, and Joshua snickered.

“What?” Kaidan asked, unsure if he should be questioning Joshua’s laughter or not. He set the pill bottle down on the counter and grabbed Joshua by the hips, tugging them together. Joshua continued to snicker, and then his head fell forward to rest on Kaidan’s shoulder.

“She thought I was going to break his face,” Joshua muttered, sounding like he was holding back laughter.

His lover had the oddest sense of humour. He slipped his hands into the back pockets of Joshua’s jeans and held him against him, not that he was going anywhere, and Joshua wrapped his arms around his waist.

After a short moment of more snickering, the laughter died down and Kaidan could feel the heaviness come over Joshua. He sighed and nudged him gently with his head.

“You’re allowed to laugh you know,” he told him gently.

“Then when will I _feel_ like I am?” Joshua asked. Kaidan wished he knew the answer, having asked the question many times in his lifetime as well.

“Whenever you’re ready, I guess,” he replied, squeezing Joshua gently and then pulling back enough that he could see his face. “Coffee?”

Joshua just looked at him for a moment, seemingly searching his face, and then his lips broke into a tiny, shy smile. “Yeah, and I’ll even have Shaek’s share.”

“I’m not giving you that much,” Kaidan told him, releasing him and then stepping away to make their coffee.

“What?” Joshua whined. “Why not?” He followed him over the short distance to the coffee maker and crowded him.

Kaidan looked at him with a tired smile on his face. “Because I want to be able to use you as a pillow tonight,” he told him, gripping his chin and then kissing him gently on the lips. “Okay?”

Joshua’s eyes fluttered closed as he kissed him and then opened again, Kaidan thought he was beautiful as usual. “Yeah…yeah okay.” Joshua nodded, inching back from him a bit and pulling the cream and creamer out of the fridge before settling down to watch him make the coffee.

“’Love you,” Kaidan told him gently, as he poured Joshua’s cream into his cup.

Joshua’s hand settled on his arm once he stopped pouring and he looked up to see a desperate, yet loving look in Joshua’s eyes. “I love you too…I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Kaidan asked, setting down the carton of cream and genuinely having no idea why Joshua was apologising.

“Because…if here,” Joshua tapped three fingers over Kaidan’s chest, “hurts anything like here,” he tapped the bruise on his cheek, “from the words I’ve said…then I’m really, so sorry.”

Kaidan swallowed thickly, worried his bottom lip, and turned to Joshua and pulled him into a tight hug, squeezing until he didn’t feel like he was about to start crying anymore. Joshua hugged him too, arms tight around his waist.

Maybe, just maybe, Joshua was starting to understand. Maybe he had heard all the times the day before when he’d begged him to stop saying those terrible things about himself after all.

“I love you, no matter what Joshua,” Kaidan muttered finally, his voice hoarse even though he hadn’t been crying. Joshua squeezed him tighter, burying his nose into his shoulder.

“I love you too.”


	26. Alliance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay! Life, you know? I didn't read it over because I don't have time, I now have to study for a kanji test...yikes. 
> 
> Anyways, I'm pretty sure we're at the last leg of this story, but I'm not promising anything just yet. I'd say at least another 2 or 3 chapters, possibly a few more, but who knows.

The call that he had been expecting came in a lot sooner than he’d been expecting it to. He’d received a short message from Miranda stating that he needed to come into the hospital to ‘have a talk’ about what the Alliance was planning to do about the situation. He’d figured something like this was going to happen.

Said situation was only getting worse due to the fact that the Alliance still hadn’t made a statement and the media were having more than a field day. When he’d stopped paying attention the day before, Joshua had turned on the TV and the news channel it had been turned to had brought in ‘professionals’ to debate with the whereabouts of Commander Shepard. He could have sworn that he’d just heard something about him living in a faraway krogan monastery before he’d shut off the TV and given Joshua a very dirty look.

Now he stood in Miranda’s office and he felt like a fire had been lit under his skin. Miranda stood behind her desk, leaning back on one leg and watching Steven Hackett as he spoke. She was clearly displeased, even though she was doing a good job of hiding it.

“What do you mean you ‘want him to be at the press conference’?” Kaidan demanded.

Hackett turned to him, the same unaffected look on his face. “The Alliance believes it will be better for the situation if the media is able to see the Commander,” he explained evenly.

“If the Alliance had released a statement a week ago when this all started the situation _would_ be better!” Kaidan snapped, feeling fiercely protective of the man who was on the other side of the hospital having a much needed physiotherapy session. They’d had to smuggle him in, but his hip had started seizing again and he’d really needed it.

“Stand down Major,” Hackett said sternly, reminding Kaidan that he was speaking to a superior. He immediately squared off his shoulders, having been leaning forward rather antagonistically, and dropped his hands to his side.

“Sir,” he said apologetically. “With all due respect, I don’t believe he should be forced to stand in front of billions of people just so that they can see his face.”

“ _With all due respect_ ,” Hackett repeated back to him. “He’s had to handle the media before, he knows what to do. If he has a problem with it, I’d like to hear it from the man himself.”

Kaidan clenched his teeth, glancing over at Miranda for help, but she just sighed softly and shook her head. They both knew that Joshua would never complain, not out loud, _not_ to Hackett or the Alliance.

“I would prefer that you don’t make him speak,” she said.

“I can’t make any promises, you know that. It’s up to the Alliance Administration Board,” Hackett told her, shrugging. “Don’t shoot the messenger, Major Alenko,” he said to Kaidan looking at him specifically when he said it before turning back to Miranda. “I will let you know of the date and time within the day, good day.”

And with that, he left. Kaidan ground his teeth together, feeling nervous about the situation in the pit of his stomach. Joshua had been better, with him specifically, for the past week but he was still not doing great, and he still had moments where he looked so sad that it hurt. Having him stand up in front of billions of people was a slap in the face.

He’d done everything, but they still wanted more from him.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Kaidan demanded, turning to Miranda and clenching his hands into fists again.

“I don’t want the Alliance to know how bad he is,” Miranda told him simply.

“You didn’t tell them,” Kaidan concluded, glancing back at the door because he was worried someone would over hear. The door was shut firmly however, the lock light on.

“Look, I know that you are pro-Alliance, but they’ve never done Joshua any favours, other than giving _me_ the chance to fix him after the war. Reye Shaek is not being paid by the Alliance, he’d being paid by Liara, and so he is not required to report back to them. Heather Dubois reports to me.” Miranda explained paced slightly behind her desk.

“So, what, you told them nothing? They’re not going to throw him in jail you know,” Kaidan told her, his frustration seeping into his voice.

“No, of course not, _that_ at least is just Joshua’s anxiety over the entire organisation manifesting into a single worry, but would they support him as they’re doing now? If I told them that he’s suffering as much as he is, would they keep paying for all of this treatment? He’s won the war for them, they have no more use for him other than a pretty face to show the galaxy that the Alliance is still standing.” Miranda sighed, rubbing her forehead.

“So…what, you told them that he’s the same old Shepard with a slight limp?” Kaidan asked, disbelieving.

Miranda looked up at him sadly. “’Romantic’ isn’t it?” She sighed. “The only records they have on his mental health are the ones from that incompetent, Wakeham. As far as they know, he’s the same old stubborn Commander and he’s very good at relaying reports he wrote four years ago word for word.”

“But…this situation…”

“Is awful, and terribly unfair for him. I’m _sorry_ Kaidan, if I’d have known they would handle the media finding out about him being alive by _throwing him at them_ I would have done something different…” Miranda sounded truly apologetic, shaking her head at him slightly as the look on her face diffused his frustration with her and changed it into sympathy. She’d tried so hard to do something for Joshua’s sake and it had backfired horribly. He’d experienced that sort of situation himself.

“I suppose you expected the Alliance to do him a favour,” Kaidan replied, shaking his head and sighing as well. He sat on the chair in front of Miranda’s desk and shrugged at her.

“Just this one, and I was wrong. I spent all night trying to talk him out of it, we were sending messages back and forth. Admiral Hackett knows that his words carry weight within the Alliance, but he refuses to use them.” Miranda shook her head, crossing her arms back over her chest tightly. “Liara’s almost tracked down Javik. She’s not so far behind his trail either, it took a long time for him to get passage to the planet he wanted to go to,” she told him suddenly.

He frowned, then realised that she’d decided there was no point in continuing their loud agreement with each other that wasn’t going anywhere and had changed the subject. “That’s odd, why didn’t she let me know that?”

“Because the last message that you sent her began with, “ _In the future, if you could abstain from tormenting Joshua that would be great.”_ ” Miranda told him, her lips quirking up slightly.

Kaidan chuckled. “Oh yeah, that.”

Miranda looked behind him, presumably at the door. “His session is probably almost over.”

Kaidan sighed tiredly. “What am I going to tell him? That they’re throwing him to the wolves again? He’ll think that they’re punishing him.”

“Just keep him out of sight until the press conference, whenever that is,” Miranda instructed. “I’m afraid that’s all that I can give you.”

“He’s going stir crazy, I think he almost cried the other day when I said I was going to the store and that he couldn’t come.”

“Models?”

“Uh, yeah, he broke a few so I bought him replacements, but he had them done in two days.”

“That poor man has too much going on in his brain… Actually that gives me an idea. You go meet Joshua at his physio session, I have to go pick something up.” Miranda nodded slowly, and Kaidan frowned up at her for a moment before standing and walking with her to the door of her office.

“Something?”

As they exited her office Miranda nodded again, looking a bit more cheerful. They paused just outside her door.

“Just something that may occupy him, at least for a few hours. I’ll have it delivered to your apartment tonight, they’ll message you when they get there so that you know to open the doors.” Miranda smiled at him, and Kaidan appreciated everything that she did for his lover. He wondered what she’d do when he no longer visited the hospital anymore, she’d probably find another project to be passionate about.

“Alright, I’ll see you later then.” He waved at her as they parted ways in the hallway, wondering what she’d thought of.

He made his way slowly to the physiotherapy room, trying not to get there too quickly out of dread for having to explain the situation to Joshua. The fact that Hackett hadn’t even bothered to sit around and explain it to him himself made him upset as well. It seemed like the Alliance felt like they’d somehow paid Joshua back for all of his work, so it was time he started paying them again.

He paused outside the door to the physiotherapy room, hesitating outside for a moment. He knew if he went in frustrated that Joshua would think he’d done something wrong, and he knew if he went in like nothing was wrong and then dropped a bomb on him he’d think that he didn’t care. As he was thinking about what he was even going to say, the door to the physiotherapy room opened, Joshua standing in the doorway.

Kaidan looked up at him, he looked exhausted as usual, but his lips quirked up when he saw him with that smile that always seemed tailor made for him.

“How’d it go?” Kaidan asked, glancing down at Joshua as he left the room. He was limping more than usual on his injured leg, but that was normal after a physio session. He was using the crutch again.

“She said that I should start using a cane,” Joshua told him, limping around to face him.

“What did you tell her?”

“That I’m twenty-eight,” Joshua replied with a frown. “What’s wrong?”

Kaidan sighed, taking a step forward and wrapping an arm around Joshua’s neck so that he could thread his fingers up the back of his hair and kiss him gently. “You’re too observant,” he told him as he pulled away. Joshua took hold of his hand as it slid over his chest.

“Yeah, so, what’s wrong?”

Kaidan’s lips tugged down at the side and he pursed them slightly, turning to head down the hallway to the elevator so that he could lead Joshua to their ‘secret’ exit. It was the roof.

“Joshua they…they want you to be at the press conference when they announce…whatever the hell they’re announcing,” Kaidan told him, glancing up and seeing the frown on his face immediately wash away into a look that was _too_ blank. He could see the anxiety in his eyes, suddenly he looked even more tired.

“Oh,” Joshua replied, looking away from him and apparently focusing on walking. Then he fell silent, too silent. Kaidan wanted to know what was going on in his head, even as he pushed the button for the elevator and they stepped in, Joshua remained silent.

Kaidan looked over them as the elevator took off for the roof. “So…what do you think about that?” he asked cautiously.

“Are there going to be g…mm…um…”

Kaidan sighed, resting his hand over Joshua’s on his crutch. “I don’t think that anyone doing the conference will have them, but yeah, probably some.” It was an Alliance affair after all.

“Okay,” Joshua replied, his voice far too high pitched to be calm, even as he nodded he looked like he was panicking. But then he fell silent again, and Kaidan knew all too well that he’d dodged the question, and he could see that Joshua knew it as well. They climbed into the sky car, looking odd in its corner on the roof out of the way of the ambulances. Joshua remained silent.

Kaidan worried silently. Joshua hadn’t had quite as many bad moments during the day since remembering what had happened on the Citadel, but he was still having nightmares, and it was obvious that he was still having issues with speaking of, seeing, or hearing about firearms. Sometimes he flinched at random and Kaidan swore he could see the word ‘gun’ reflected in his eyes.

They got about halfway home before Joshua spoke again, having spent the entire ride hunched over and gripping his crutch too tight between his legs. “I don’t want to,” was all he said, in a voice so quiet that it took a moment for Kaidan realise he’d spoken.

Kaidan offered him a sympathetic look. “I know love,” he replied softly, looking back at his console.

“Do they hate me? Why do they keep asking me to do things for them? They keep saying ‘just one more thing’, and ‘this is all you have to do’, and ‘you can sleep when you’re dead’, but then they keep _reviving me_ so that I can do more for them.”

Kaidan felt his stomach clench slightly, trying to overlook Joshua once again bringing up that he’d rather be dead so that he could see the entirety of the statement. Joshua was tired and wanted to be left alone. He knew somewhere that the statement hadn’t really been about Joshua wanting to be dead, but he was still feeling hypersensitive about the subject. He’d had to go on a long walk when Shaek had brought it up yet again during their session after the big blow up a week before. He was about to reply when Joshua continued.

“Why can’t they revive me so that I can be an actual person for once?” he asked, sounding tired and desperate. “Can’t I just be Joshua Shepard instead of Commander Shepard and the Savior of the Citadel and the Savior of the Galaxy?”

“I don’t know…” Kaidan replied.

“I just want to go home and drink hot chocolate and snuggle with the man I love. I don’t _give a damn_ about the Alliance, or that the galaxy thinks I’m dead, I care about being able to _live_ for the first time in my life…” Joshua continued, sounding more and more frustrated by the second. Kaidan got the distinct feeling that he was just repeating out loud every thought he’d had for the past several minutes.

Kaidan sighed. Joshua had started out so young, all of the things which had happened to him seemed like a domino effect which had started before he even knew who he was as a person. Every effect just seemed bigger than the last. He couldn’t even be mad at Joshua for ‘not giving a damn’ about the Alliance, not at this point.

“I’m being selfish,” Joshua muttered. Kaidan hadn’t realised with all of his thinking that Joshua had been expecting some sort of reply and was now doing that thing where he suddenly retracted everything he’d just said.

“You’re not,” Kaidan replied sternly, as he pulled the car up to the entrance of their apartment. The row of camera people who had started lining up outside their apartment building since the ‘big discovery’ was being held back by several Alliance personnel, Joshua’s side facing the doors so that they’d never get a glimpse of him.

“Can’t I just be a normal person?” Joshua asked him, looking at him sadly. “Or at least, can’t they leave me alone?”

Kaidan shook his head a little bit. “The Alliance…You’re everything the Alliance needs to look good in the eyes of the galactic community and at home, you’ve done everything they’ve asked for _and more_ and they’re going to keep asking you for more until you actually say no.”

Joshua’s eyes were pleading him, begging him not to have said what he’d just said. But there was truth in it, that Joshua had been bending over backwards for the Alliance since day one and he’d never so much as complained about back pain. They knew him as a super soldier who would do and say whatever they wanted because they told him to, and he’d always done it in the past. The one time he’d stepped out of line they’d punished him for it and, in front of them, he’d acted like the one at fault.

“But I _can’t_ Kaidan,” Joshua told him, his voice pleading as much as his eyes.

Kaidan knew that too. Joshua was exhausted, but if someone walked into the room and asked him to do the impossible and presented him with a spaceship to do it in, he’d still do it. He’d never really seen the man refuse to help someone.

“I already tried Joshua,” he told him gently, glancing out the tinted side window at the people who were getting far too excited outside and taking pictures of their car even though they couldn’t possibly see inside it.

“Oh,” Joshua said, rearranging his crutch so he could open the door and climb out of the car. Kaidan watched him open the door and then climbed out himself, throwing a nasty look at the crowd as he did so. Joshua was already through the front doors when he’d rounded the car, getting into the building quickly like he’d been told.

That hadn’t been the answer he’d wanted. He’d wanted Joshua to decide that he should stand up for himself. Instead he just looked slightly defeated as they entered the elevator. He caught sight of Joshua’s hand shaking, the one which wasn’t gripping his crutch so tightly that his knuckles were white, and held it tightly in his own as he pushed the number for their floor.

“Can you be there?” Joshua asked him.

“They’d have to kill me to keep me away,” Kaidan told him, squeezing his hand.

“C…can you hold my hand then too?” Joshua asked, Kaidan could feel the tremor in his hand.

He wondered if the Alliance would let that happen, if they’d see it as proper, and then he wondered why the hell he cared what the Alliance thought was proper if they were going to put Joshua through hell for their own gain again and decided he didn’t care.

“I will, I promise,” he said.

“What if I’m not good enough?” Joshua went on, as the door to the elevator opened.

“You’re good enough,” Kaidan told him, turning to him and making sure he turned too. He pulled him into a tight one armed hug and a kiss, their fingers still threaded together. “Because _I_ say so.”

Joshua’s breath hitched as he pulled away, his pupils dilating slightly as Kaidan led him into the hallway by the hand.

“Okay.”

-o-

The rest of the day was relatively quiet. Joshua, still bored out of his mind but not allowed to watch the TV, had started rearranging the kitchen cupboards for no reason. Kaidan couldn’t really argue with him, because he _was_ bored. Otherwise he’d probably start dismantling the furniture and putting it back together again. Better he was removing things from the cupboards and putting them back, they were less likely to get destroyed that way.

Kaidan had just watched on indulgently, making quiet conversation with him as he watched him pull stacks of dishes from the cupboard.

It wasn’t until just before dinner that the messenger came, bearing a datapad with tens of puzzle books installed onto it, ranging from mathematical to a book which challenged people to try and translate passages from one language to English based on context and comparing other passages. Kaidan looked down at the datapad, scrolling through the contents and getting a feel for what Miranda had sent over. He was pretty sure most of them were meant for geniuses, but an occupied and frustrated Joshua was more appealing than a bored and frustrated Joshua.

So he took Joshua the datapad. Joshua had been sulking on the couch for the past hour because Kaidan had asked him to stop rearranging the food in the cupboards. His sorting methods had got slightly convoluted and he’d started organising food by their base ingredients.

“Are you into stuff like this?” Kaidan asked, offering the datapad to him.

Joshua looked over it for a moment, tilting his head slightly. “I dunno, am I?” he asked, peering closer at the screen and picking one of the books.

“Miranda sent them over, figured it would give you something to do,” Kaidan told him, already bracing himself for the response he was expecting.

“Oh good, entertainment while I’m under house arrest.”

Yup, that one exactly. He sighed, sitting down beside Joshua on the couch and easing the hand which was holding the datapad back down onto his knee. “I already told you, we’re not trying to punish you.”

“No, the Alliance is ripening me up like a fruit so that when they present me in front of the whole galaxy I’ll be fresh and juicy. Wouldn’t want anyone to get a taste before that,” Joshua said, keeping an entirely straight face for his very odd statement. Kaidan made a face at him, the imagery that the statement caused making him uncomfortable.

“Joshua…” he sighed, giving his lover a long suffering look.

“I’ll try them,” Joshua relented, looking down at the book he’d chosen. “Look, this one connects with my omnitool for ‘convenient puzzle answering and grading’.”

Kaidan rubbed his thumb over the pulse point if Joshua’s wrist. “I know you’re frustrated.”

“I feel like a krogan stuck in a box right now,” Joshua told him, shifting over so that he was leaning on him as he scrolled through the book.

Kaidan rested his cheek on Joshua’s head, enjoying the feeling of his fluffy hair on his cheek. He hadn’t agreed to grow it any longer, but his hair was already so fluffy without the gel that he didn’t really need to. “Hackett says we should be hearing about when the press conference is before the end of the day.”

“Oh good, I’m _so_ looking forward to that,” Joshua grumbled, already imputing an answer into the datapad.

“Maybe afterwards we can start seeing about moving out of this apartment, to somewhere nicer,” Kaidan added, really hoping he could pull Joshua out of his bad mood. He seemed determined to be in it.

“In Vancouver?” Joshua asked, a little bit of hope in his tone.

Kaidan felt a smile grow into his face. “Have you been thinking about it?”

“Yeah. I want to live in that place you used to tell me about, from when you were younger.” Joshua snuggled closer to him and Kaidan wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“English Bay?” he asked, leaning over to kiss his lover on the temple and run his fingers through his hair. “It’s beautiful there, but the houses are expensive.”

“Good,” Joshua said, sounding not the least bit concerned. “I’ll give someone else all of my money then.”

Kaidan chuckled. “What if I want to buy our house?”

“But I want to give you something,” Joshua protested, looking up at him from the datapad briefly.

“You’ve given me _everything_ Joshua, why would I want more?”

Joshua frowned, looking very confused for a moment. He could practically see him trying to figure out what he’d given him, and he could see him turning up blank. He wouldn’t be able to recognise all the things he’d done for him, or he’d try to deflect them to someone else. But, instead of arguing, Joshua just frowned and looked back at his datapad.

After a moment he muttered, “But you’ve given me everything too.”

“How about we each buy half of a house, and then we give that half to the other?” Kaidan offered, realising only after he’d said it how funny it sounded.

“Only if we each buy half of the same house, I don’t think anyone would sell me only half a house.” Joshua nodded, inputting another answer to a puzzle.

“Well, they probably would sell _you_ half of a house. They’d probably sell you an island if you wanted it,” Kaidan replied, watching as Joshua went to another puzzle. So far the puzzles were challenging, but weren’t too hard. Kaidan was following along with Joshua’s thought processes as he inputted answers, but Joshua was moving rather quickly despite the level.

“Hmm…an island. Where no one would ever bother me again, and I could build a house and not just live in a condo or an apartment. Are there any islands on earth that don’t have buildings on them yet?” Joshua looked up at him again, looking a lot more relaxed, with that little hint of boyishness in his eye again.

Kaidan smiled down at him. “Probably not, but if they sold you the island you could knock the buildings down.”

“Or, I could employ people to work on the island, and have a house with two-hundred identical bathrooms.” Joshua nodded slowly, looking back at his datapad, but seemingly honestly considering his plan. “Do you think they’d let me buy Vancouver Island?”

“All of it?” Kaidan asked, surprise seeping into his tone even though he knew that Joshua was joking.

“Sure, why not? Then I’d have like…several hundred houses with even more identical bathrooms.”

“What’s with the identical bathrooms?” Kaidan asked, tugging his lover closer and planting his chin on his head. Joshua went a bit limp, dropping the hand which was holding the datapad to his knee and snuggling up against him again.

“It’s faster than saying ‘identical bathrooms, and bedrooms, and kitchens, and living rooms an—‘“

“Okay, okay, I got it.” Kaidan chuckled, enjoying the feeling of his lover against him, now practically on his lap, finally having an easy going conversation. Finally being able to have an easy going conversation without it turning into a mess because his lover felt too nervous to talk to him.

Even though Joshua fell silent, he still seemed mostly relaxed, lazily scrolling through his new found entertainment and snuggling until Kaidan decided that it was time for dinner.

“What do you want to eat?” he asked, glancing at the time on his omnitool and stretching so that he could see his lover’s face. Joshua turned to him and shrugged slightly.

“Something that will make my stomach stop feeling like I’m going to be sick at any second?”

Kaidan just blinked at him for a moment, feeling supremely disappointed in himself for not noticing that Joshua had still been feeling anxious. He sighed softly, and the look on Joshua’s face went from supposedly relaxed to tense and apologetic instantly.

“Sorry,” Joshua said, his lips pulling down at the side as he looked away again and tried to shuffle away.

“No, you didn’t do anything.” Kaidan tugged him closer again, closing his eyes as he rested his chin on his head again and shook his head. “I just…you seemed so relaxed.”

“I was relaxed, my stomach just hurts,” Joshua told him, sounding a bit confused.

“Yeah, but that means you weren’t really relaxed, doesn’t it? It means you’re still nervous about the press conference and I didn’t notice.”

“Sometimes I’m relaxed even if I’m nervous you know…” Joshua muttered, setting the datapad down on Kaidan’s other side and moving to straddle his legs. He sat on his lap and Kaidan looked up at him, arms going around his waist. “I just didn’t want to talk about it anymore, talking about it just makes it worse.”

“Yeah, but shouldn’t I notice stuff like that?” Kaidan asked, feeling stupid as he ran his hand up and down Joshua’s back.

“I don’t know, can you feel my stomach hurting?” Joshua asked, giving him a look he hadn’t seen in a while. His lips quirked up at one side and his brows raised, his entire face looking both disbelieving and almost cocky at the same time. The look just said ‘no, obviously you can’t so you’re wrong’, without him actually saying it.

Kaidan found himself chuckling, whereas the look had made him angry or frustrated in the past. “Alright. No, I guess I can’t,” he relented.

Joshua’s expression softened and Kaidan felt his heart strings tug affectionately. He looked so vulnerable and yet so loving at the same time, like all of his insecurities were written on his face, but it was okay because he loved him.

“I love you,” Joshua told him softly, leaning forward and kissing him gently on the lips.

Kaidan’s eyes slid shut and one of his hands wandered under Joshua’s shirt and up his back, while the other settled on his hip and tugged him closer. When Joshua pulled away again, Kaidan smiled up at him.

“You’re okay you know,” he muttered, running his fingertips gently up Joshua’s back. He felt him shiver under his fingers and saw how Joshua’s lips quirked up slightly at the side.

“Only ‘cause you’re here. Without you I’m just some stupid space marine who kowtows to everything the Alliance says.”

Kaidan’s brows rose, almost of their own accord. “Did you see how quickly you were completing those puzzles?”

“And with you, I’m some stupid space marine who kowtows to everything the Alliance says, with Kaidan Alenko at his side,” Joshua continued, ignoring him.

“No, really, did you see that or not?” Kaidan asked, an affectionate smile on his face.

“I missed it.”

Kaidan tugged him down into another brief kiss. Joshua rose up on his knees and Kaidan pulled him into a tight hug, then buried his face in his lover’s shirt and took a deep breath.  “I love you too,” he told him, enjoying the smell of him even as his words were muffled by his chest.

Joshua’s arms settled around his shoulders and the just stayed like that for a moment, but it didn’t take long for Kaidan to remember Joshua’s hip and to ease him off of him and back onto the couch.

“Can I watch you make dinner?” Joshua asked, it was an odd question, but he asked it often.

Kaidan shook his head at him in disbelief, a smile on his face. “I still don’t know what’s so great about watching me make dinner,” he told him. Joshua pouted. “Yes, of course you can, come on.” He held out his hand to help Joshua stand and he took it.

As he led him into the kitchen, Joshua still holding onto his hand tightly, he realised suddenly why Joshua’s tone of voice when he asked the question always made him feel nostalgic. He glanced at him as he left him at the dining table, watching his facial expression closely as he turned the chair closest to the kitchen around and sat on it, but finding no hint of upset in him.

So, for a few minutes, he went about getting dinner ready, but the question was burning at the back of his mind and eventually, he turned back to Joshua and asked, “Did you used to watch your mother cook dinner?”

The transformation on Joshua’s face was instant, his curious, yet calm, expression quickly traded for knitted brows and a look of panic like some big secret had come out. After a moment of casting around the kitchen nervously, and starting that awful hand rubbing thing he did, he settled his gaze back on Kaidan and shrugged. “Yeah, I guess so,” he told him. The shrug, for all it may have seemed relaxed and dismissive, was accompanied with his shoulders being too tense, and his lips tugging down at the sides as he spoke.

Kaidan sighed softly, it was that wall he desperately wanted to breach yet couldn’t because this was always the response. He approached Joshua at the dining table, brushing his hair back from his face and kissing his forehead gently. “Sorry,” he muttered, feeling badly for letting his curiosity get the better of him. He just had so many ‘probable truths’ about Joshua’s past that sometimes he just wanted a solid one.

“It’s okay,” Joshua told him softly. “Don’t worry about it, it was an innocent question. I just…”

Kaidan held both sides of Joshua’s face gently and looked at him closely. “I know. And I know I should know better than to pry, I just get too curious sometimes.”

“You’re allowed to pry,” Joshua insisted, looking up at him with determination and resting a hand on his arm. “I want you to know everything about me, it’s just hard to…get it all from my head into yours I guess…”

Kaidan chuckled softly. “You do have _a lot_ going on in your head.”

“I have so much going on in my head that sometimes I think I’m the salarian councillor,” Joshua agreed.

It wasn’t quite what he’d meant, but he’d apparently successfully diverted Joshua’s momentary distress and that was good enough for him. He kissed Joshua gently again and then got to work on getting dinner together, with Joshua watching calmly over his shoulder. Kaidan tried to figure out if it was worth putting Joshua through pain in order to know more about him, and had a hard time coming up with an answer for himself.

-o-

It was around midnight when his omnitool started beeping. He jumped out of a dead sleep, reaching blindly for his faintly glowing tool and connecting the call without video. He sat up, frowning blearily at the blank screen.

“Two days,” came Miranda’s frustrated and exhausted voice. He wouldn’t have known it was Miranda, except for her call information in the corner of the screen. Joshua stirred beside him, throwing an arm over his legs and resting his head on his thigh. Kaidan ran his fingers through his hair and shushed him softly, though he knew he’d wake up.

“Two days?” he asked, sleep still numbing his thought process.

“Well, no, I suppose it’s more like one day now, since it’s past midnight. But when I started my long and rather loud argument with Hackett it was yesterday still,” Miranda told him. He felt Joshua’s eyelashes brush against his thigh as his eyes opened. Dammit.

“But what’s in two days…oh.” Kaidan’s mind smacked into the wall of wakefulness as he realised what the call was about, remembering that he’d been worried that they hadn’t heard back from Miranda when they’d gone to bed. He’d thought the worry would keep him awake, but he’d definitely fallen asleep.

“Yes, oh,” Miranda said testily. He heard Joshua sigh and rubbed his hand over his shoulder gently.

“I don’t want to,” he heard Joshua mutter sleepily. Kaidan sighed.

“Two days?” he asked, tone tilting from tired into frustrated and annoyed.

“Well, like I said _one_ day now,” Miranda amended. “I just spent the last three hours trying to convince Hackett to give us more time, a week maybe, anything. I know it would mean a lot of sneaking around but…”

“I would have been willing to do it,” Kaidan said softly, glancing down in the orange glow from his tool and catching the despondent look on Joshua’s face.

“As would I. But, apparently, ‘the decision has been made’, and so that’s where we are.” Miranda sighed, and he could almost see her slumping forward slightly with exhaustion. She’d tried so hard, he felt terrible for her.

He felt Joshua tense against his leg, the arm which was draped over his knees holding him tighter than it had before. He hushed him again, but he was already sitting up, shifting so that he was sitting in front of him. Kaidan crossed his legs so that there would be room for him.

“What do they want me to do?” he asked softly, his misery seeping into his voice along with his exhaustion. Kaidan looked at him, illuminated in the orange glow and saw the lines that didn’t belong on his young face made more prominent by the lighting. He reached out and cupped his cheek, thumbing at his cheekbone gently.

Miranda didn’t reply for a moment, and then said, “I suppose it was too much to hope that you’d be able to sleep through the conversation…”

“I’d have to find out eventually Miranda,” he told her calmly, nuzzling against Kaidan’s hands as he spoke.

Another sigh from the other side of the line. “I was just wondering if it was too much to ask that I could make it so you never heard of it, and subsequently didn’t show up.”

“Thanks for the consideration.” He smiled sadly.

“Anytime Joshua.”

Several moments of silence followed, in which Kaidan ran his fingers back along Joshua’s temple and wished he’d stayed asleep as well. He would have been prepared to take the consequences of having conveniently forgotten to alert Joshua to the date of the conference as well. Miranda didn’t seem to want to divulge the information which Joshua had asked for, and Kaidan wasn’t going to remind her that the question hadn’t been answered.

But Joshua wouldn’t let it go, and he knew it. It wasn’t a surprise when Joshua shook his head slightly and glanced back into the orange glow of his omnitool, an odd habit they’d probably all developed from being so used to there being a face in the feed.

“What do they want me to do?” he asked again, sounding more exhausted than the first time he’d asked.

“Joshua…” Miranda started softly from the other end of the call.

“Miranda you have to tell me eventually, I’m not going to show up and have no idea what’s going on,” Joshua told her sternly.

“I’m still vying for the ‘not showing up’ part.” What followed was the very definitely, rather oppressive ‘Commander Shepard’ silence. Kaidan knew the feeling well enough, there was an answer to be had here and Joshua was going to get it. Miranda could probably feel his questing gaze from her side of the conversation without any problem. Sure enough, she sighed. “They may want you to answer press related questions…about what happened.”

“Why the hell would they ask for that?” Kaidan asked, entering the conversation again with a demanding tone that wasn’t really meant for Miranda.

“Because they’re all idiots,” Miranda told him. “And…they may want you to make a statement, praising the hospital and the doctors for instance. Thanking the Alliance for ‘all the hard work it’s done’.”

Kaidan looked back up at Joshua, seeing that awfully too blank look on his face again. “Joshua…”

“Okay,” Joshua replied stiffly. “It’s not like I haven’t done it before.”

“If you need _anything_ ,” Miranda began, but was interrupted.

“I’ll be fine. I’ve faced down charging krogan right?” Joshua’s lips attempted a smile, but didn’t quite make it. Kaidan reached forward and took his hand from where it had been clenched on his knee, feeling the slight tremble there.

“Will there be guns at the conference?” Kaidan asked, feeling Joshua flinch and the tremble in his hands increase. He apologised silently with his eyes, getting just the slightest twitch of his lips in response.

“Guards and “military officials” will be carrying firearms.” Miranda said, quickly like she was hoping Joshua wouldn’t notice it. Of course he did, and apparently that was his quota for the mention of it because he tugged his hand away, stood up, and promptly left the bedroom.

“Shit,” Kaidan muttered.

Miranda must have heard the door open and shut because she asked, “Did he leave?” She sounded concerned.

Kaidan sighed. “Yeah, he left.”

“I’m sorry Kaidan, I really did try to fix this, to have them postpone the date. I even told them that he may not be emotionally ready for it, and their reply was the same for everything ‘he’s Commander Shepard’,” Miranda explained, and Kaidan definitely believed her.

At this point the only thing they could do was appeal to Liara, maybe she could do something, but it was going to happen eventually. “Nothing like being steamrolled by bureaucrats.” He sighed. “Let’s just get this over with.”

“I guess I’ll have to leave Joshua in your capable hands…” Miranda paused for a moment, Kaidan wondering if she actually meant what she’d said. She’d spent so much time telling him off for doing things wrong. “Kaidan, I really am glad that you came back to the Normandy, and that you were you are with Joshua today. He…well I’d like to say he wouldn’t be the same without you, but I probably have to say that he wouldn’t _be_ without you.”

“Well, I wouldn’t go that far—“

“When you weren’t here, his vitals were worse, before you arrived on the Normandy he’d been flat lining almost constantly. It was like trying to bring him back from the dead again. When I first saw you, I wondered if you wouldn’t be beneficial to his recovery, but I was wrong.”

Kaidan started into the blank screen of the omnitool for a few moments, unsure of what to say. He swallowed thickly, realising how touched he was by the statement. “I’ll keep trying my best,” he told her.

“Good, that’s all I can ask. We’re human, and he’s stubborn, it’s only natural that he’s exhausting sometimes. But, you have been doing a good job,” Miranda told him.

“Well, he’s human too,” Kaidan reminded her.

“And it’s because you know that fact that you’ve been able to take care of him so well,” Miranda said.

Kaidan paused, letting the statement sink in. It was true, when he’d thought Commander Shepard was some sort of super human, carrying the galaxy on his back without so much as flinching, he’d taken advantage of him, asked more and more of him until he _couldn’t_ handle it anymore. It was because people still viewed him as some sort of super soldier that they kept doing the same.

“It’s a good thing you know it too then,” Kaidan told her, smiling at the blank screen and then looking up at the door which Joshua had disappeared through.

“I’ll let you go and make sure he’s okay,” she replied, as if she could see him. “I’ll send the location of the conference in the morning.”

“Get some sleep Miranda.”

“I have a few more calls to make, but don’t worry about me,” she told him. “Make sure that _he_ gets some sleep.”

With that the call was terminated, and the glow of his omnitool faded away to nothing. He was left in the dark of their bedroom for a moment, before he stood up from the bed and followed after Joshua. He found him sitting, slumped forward, on the couch with his elbows on his knees and his fingers weaved through his hair.

“Joshua,” Kaidan called softly, as he sat beside him on the couch. His lover automatically dropped sideways, curling up with his head on his lap.

“Sorry,” he muttered. “Some soldier I am, can’t even handle…can’t even…”

Kaidan hushed him softly, petting his hair gently and taking hold of Joshua’s hand. “You’re alright,” he told him, hearing Joshua’s breath hitch as he inhaled.

“Kaidan I don’t want to…” he muttered.

“I know you don’t,” Kaidan replied.

“What questions are they going to ask?”

“They’ll probably want to know what happened…on the Citadel.”

“Hi everyone, I’d just like to take this time to confess to the crime of sh…murdering Admiral Anderson,” Joshua muttered, his tone completely flat.

 “Joshua…” Joshua sniffed softly in reply. “What…” he paused, wondering if it was safe to ask the question on his lips. “What happened on the Citadel?”

Joshua’s response was to tense, and then shake his head. “You missed the part where I killed Anderson, that’s what happened.”

“That’s all that happened?” When Joshua didn’t answer he added, “I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing here…”

“I also shot a massive weapon which killed all of the geth and EDI, but I was hoping to leave that part out, you know, several other millions of lives on my hands.”

“You fired the weapon with killed the Reapers,” Kaidan amended softly, hearing the self-hate in Joshua’s tone and wishing it would go away.

“I fired the weapon that killed the Reapers,” Joshua repeated blankly, then chuckled darkly. “That makes it sound so simple, doesn’t it?”

“Joshua…”

“A crazy AI gave me the options to become a Reaper, make everyone into Reapers, or blow them up and kill millions.”

“What?” That didn’t sound right, too fanciful, and too sci-fi even for their world.

“The AI that the Leviathan created gave me the options to either use my cybernetics to become the Reaper overlord, like Mr. Illusive said, to use my cybernetics to _somehow_ create cybernetics in all beings so they’d be AIs like EDI, or to shoot a giant Reaper tech killing gun to make all the universe free of AIs…except EDI is a genius.”

Kaidan shook his head again, assuming that Joshua was coming up with some strange story to change the subject. “ _Joshua_ ,” he said sternly.

There was a moment of heavy silence, and then Joshua said in the softest of voices, “Please believe me…” His voice broke slightly, pleading. Kaidan looked down at him, at Joshua’s hand in his, and the desperate look on his face. He looked up at him, even in the dark he could see his eyes filling with tears. “Please, you have to believe me, if you don’t believe me I _can’t_ …I can’t…”

It only took the first tear falling for Kaidan to give in to the ridiculous notion that what Joshua was saying may actually be true. If Reapers had actually been true, if Joshua dying and coming back to life had actually been true, if Joshua having a _clone_ had actually been true…

“Okay, okay…it’s alright, I believe you. It’s…crazy, and completely…well out of this world, but…I believe you. It’s okay.” He brushed the tear from Joshua’s cheek and sighed down at him. Joshua sniffed, and started rubbing at his face roughly.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I just…I knew that it was so crazy sounding…I knew that…”

No one else would believe him, Kaidan knew that well enough. Even though every other time he’d announced something new and crazy he’d been telling the truth, hell he hadn’t even believed him for a moment.

“So…what’ll you tell them?”

“I fired the weapon that killed the Reapers, yay Commander Shepard,” Joshua replied, his voice gravelly. Kaidan took hold of his wrists to stop him from rubbing his face.

“That’s just fine,” Kaidan told him gently, pulling his hands from his face. “Let’s go to bed, we can continue this conversation in the morning.”

Joshua seemed to agree with that, sitting up slowly and then standing.

“You really believe me?” Joshua asked, his expression desperate. Kaidan stood as well, tugging him into a tight hug.

“I believe you, it’s okay,” he told him.

“I love you,” Joshua replied.

“I love you too, so much. Let’s go to bed.”

They went back to their bedroom and Joshua snuggled back into him. He held onto him tightly, wanting to keep him safe from everything, and everyone. This man who knew well enough by now that the crazy things he experienced wouldn’t be believed, and thought that no matter what he did he wasn’t good enough.

They lay in silence, and Kaidan thought that Joshua had started falling asleep, maybe the sleep medication had started taking hold again. But then Joshua spoke, his voice quiet, wavering slightly, “You’ll…you’ll still be there with me, right? You’ll hold my hand?”

“I promise I’ll be there Joshua, I’ll support you from start to finish.” Like he should have done in the first place.

Joshua seemed content with that answer, snuggling back against him and muttering a soft, “thank you,” before falling silent again.

He was pretty sure that he fell asleep before him, however, never actually recalling when he’d fallen asleep. He fell into unsettling dreams of the conference going wrong, and one in particular of Joshua looking back at him before jumping off of a stage which turned out to be a cliff.


	27. Crew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh I had a _lot_ of trouble with this chapter. I'm 90% sure that this is a pretty bad chapter, so I'm really sorry, but there it is.

They wouldn’t let Kaidan hold his hand. It was ‘untoward’ and ‘improper’ and ‘Commander Shepard was his superior, they should be booking both of them because _it_ happened in the first place’. ‘It’ being their relationship, spat back at them like it was something disgusting.

Kaidan had almost punched the event organiser in the face, and was now to his left and just behind him, with his arms held stiffly behind his back. Joshua stood in front, his stomach rolling so badly he thought he’d be sick, and his hands held tightly behind his back, because they were shaking so hard that he thought they’d fall off.

“It’s okay,” he heard Kaidan mutter from behind him, as the doors on either side of the conference room opened and people started entering. The room, which had previously been silent began practically buzzing with the excitement of the reporters and guests, the noise level rising to the point that Joshua felt like his head was rushing.

To his right, standing in the centre along with several other Alliance officials, was Hackett. He hadn’t even afforded him an apology for how suddenly this had all been put together, how they’d forced him back into Alliance blues even though he wasn’t officially a member of the Alliance navy anymore, how they wouldn’t let him hold on to the one person who was keeping him sane.

They’d even asked him if he could manage standing without his crutch for the duration of the conference, because apparently people in the Alliance Navy never sat down.

“Kaidan…” He turned his head slightly to say his name, his voice wavering and his chest tight. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. He caught sight of one of the guards standing on the other end of the raised platform they were standing on, the Alliance issued pistol strapped to his hip, and felt his stomach heave. He turned back to the growing crowd of reporters and anyone who had paid enough money to the Alliance to enter the conference hall.

Kaidan hushed him gently, but he wanted to feel his hands in the hair at the back of his neck, his thumb on his pulse point. He wanted to take some of Kaidan’s calm and use it for himself because he didn’t have any calm to use. He wanted to lean on him, he wanted to hide in his shoulder.

The sounds of all the reporters talking sounded like a loudly rushing river in his ears. He couldn’t make out any words, all he heard was the great din of the room, and all he saw was the faces looking at him. They could see him standing there, he was sure they could all see his panic, how his hip was hurting him from having to stand at ease, at least they couldn’t see his hands shaking.

He wanted to leave, to be somewhere completely different. He wanted to be somewhere that Kaidan could touch him, and where he could watch him instead of having him stand behind him like a silent guard.

Miranda was standing against the wall to the side of the second row, her arms crossed and her entire posture completely closed off. She was angry, glaring daggers at the Alliance officials, Joshua was almost thankful for her anger. She was definitely expressing enough, silently, for both herself and Kaidan, who had been ordered to stand quietly or leave and face disciplinary action.

Then, as the rush of people filling the hall started to peter out, Miranda glanced down at her omnitool, and frowned slightly. She glanced back at the door behind her, and then up at Hackett with a suspicious frown.

Joshua was about to wonder what she was doing, when Joker walked into the room, followed by EDI, Garrus, Tali, Traynor, Gabby, Kenneth, James, and Steve. Joker, despite it being an Alliance affair at which he should probably behave, waved at him enthusiastically as they lined up at the back of the room. Garrus gave him a reassuring nod, while Tali waved just as enthusiastically as Joker was at Garrus’ side.

Miranda must have noticed the look of shock on his face, because she looked back to see the gathering at the back of the room and then turned to smile at him.

He swallowed thickly and gave a nod to his former crewmates at the back of the room. He had no idea how Garrus and Tali had even managed to get there within 40 hours.

His nerves weren’t calmed, his stomach still flipping, but he felt relief. Even if everyone else in this room came to hate him after this…maybe, just maybe, his former crew would stand by him. They’d stood by him this far, and Kaidan had told him to stick with the ‘I pushed the button that killed the Reapers’ answer because of the complicated nature of the _other_ answer, so maybe…maybe everything would be okay.

The doors at the back of the room shut, and he felt like his blood had suddenly been electrically charged. His skin felt prickly and too tight. His chest felt tight, like there wasn’t enough air in the room for him to be able to breathe it.

EDI managed to catch his eye, nodding slowly and mimicking with her hands the motions of breathing. He watched her, breathing and holding on to the movements like a person drowning held on to a life preserver.

“Welcome,” Hackett, the voice of the Alliance as usual, began…

He had that awful rushing feeling between his ears again, barely able to catch hold of the words that Hackett was saying. He looked over the people who stood at the back of the room, each of them giving him their full attention even though Hackett was talking. Tali gave him what must have been the quarian version of a thumbs up.

He wondered what they’d think if they knew that he was so panicked he couldn’t even hear a word that Hackett was saying. His mind was feeding him the information, slow and muddy. He wasn’t their tall standing, anything handling, invincible Commander anymore. He was just a broken man being forced to stand on a fancy stage so he could say fancy words and make the Alliance look good all over again.

He remembered Steve saying something from when they had been back on the SR-2. He’d been helping Steve with the memorial wall on the Citadel, and when Steve had asked if he needed anything he’d said no. ‘You know if you ever need _do_ anything, you just need to say ‘help,’” was what he’d said. Now, probably more than ever, he needed their help. Hackett had just said something about him being alive, the collective gaze of the reporters which had been broken between himself and Hackett was firmly upon him again.

So, he made eye contact with Steve, who was looking at him intently, and tried to secretly mouth the word ‘help’ to him. For a moment the man just looked very confused. Of course he wouldn’t know what he meant. It had been an obscure offer in the moment and Joshua had never needed help for anything. Commander Shepard didn’t ask for help, what could he possibly need help for?

Then, like a light turning on, Steve nodded, turning to Garrus and Tali and motioning for them to go over to where Miranda was standing. He tapped James’s elbow and Gabby’s shoulder and motioned for them and Kenneth to go and stand at the centre of the room where the chairs were split, and motioned for EDI, Joker, and Traynor to go stand on the other side of the room. Steve joined James’s group in the centre.

Suddenly he had faces who he actually wanted to look at, close enough that he could focus on them while he was talking. Steve caught his gaze again as he looked at them all, his crew…his friends.

“Talk to us,” Steve mouthed and motioned to the groups to make sure he knew what he’d said. Joshua thought he’d cry out of gratitude, instead he just smiled gratefully, which caught the attention of a few of the cameras and the flashing started.

“Commander Joshua Shepard has some words for us,” Hackett said suddenly, or maybe he’d been talking the entire time. He still wasn’t really sure.

His first thought was, ‘I do?’, but he nodded anyways. He could practically hear the mic which was pinned to his collar connect to the speakers in the room, and each individual’s omnitool for recording.

Talk to his crew.

“I—“ His throat felt too tight to speak, but he took a deep breath and started again, “I want to thank each and every one of you,” he said, his gaze wandering his crew’s, his friends’, faces. “Without your efforts, big or small, we could have never come to where we are today. The effort of all of us combined is what brought us here, without that effort the war would have been lost.”

It seemed to be working, the few reporters he made eye contact with were practically eating his words. His stomach rolled and he paused, making eye contact with Miranda, hoping she’d know this next part was for her and no one else.

“I want to thank the Alliance and the staff at New York Memorial for all of their support, I wouldn’t be here without them, truly. Thank you.” He thought he saw Miranda tearing up. He wasn’t sure where to go from there, feeling like he’d said enough, even though Hackett didn’t take up the speech giving from him. He pressed his lips together, felt nervousness growing in his chest.

He caught Joker making some strange movement with his hands from the corner of his eye, and frowned at him slightly until he realised what he was doing. Building. He was glad the reporters were all so focused on him, or they’d probably have started recording Joker looking like he was doing some sort of awful dance instead.

“The rehabilitation effort on Earth, and all planets in the galaxy has been a long journey…it…” His brain faltered slightly as his gaze settled on Tali and remembered that with the geth _her_ people’s rebuilding effort, at least, would have been easier. It was his fault that the geth weren’t there anymore. He wanted to apologise, he wanted to make it better. He’d told Tali that geth had a soul and then murdered several million of them all with the push of a button.

He wanted to be in his apartment, with Kaidan, away from the sounds of more than a hundred people listening to him. The moments of his silence were stretching on, and some reporters were looking at each other with frowns on their faces. Garrus stepped in front of Tali, muttering something over his shoulder at her and then making direct, stern, eye contact with him.

“There is still a long way to go,” he continued, ignoring the slight waver in his voice as he turned to focus on the centre group instead. “But with interstellar cooperation, and the help of all us, we will be able to rebuild…and we’ll be stronger.”

He had to resist the urge to tell them ‘dismissed’, instead just watching nervously as the reporters stared at him as if wanting more. But, then he heard clapping, and glanced over to find that Joker had started. Steve, Garrus, and James added their applause, and then suddenly the entire room had erupted with applause and whistles.

His hip ached, his head felt light. He must have stumbled back slightly because he felt Kaidan’s hand on his back, and Miranda looked about ready to jump up onto the stage, but he straightened his posture again and reset his footing.

Now he got to stand quietly while the press asked the Alliance officials questions. Now he really wanted to sit, his hip was aching, his stomach aching uncomfortably as well.

For several minutes Hackett and the other officials fielded questions. He’d been told that he’d only be expected to answer questions if he was asked them, and Hackett had already covered the reason for the Alliance’s deception over his being alive in his previous speech…at least he thought that was what he’d heard.

But then, one reporter who had been chosen to ask a question turned right to him. “Can you tell us what happened, on the last day of the Reaper War, on the Citadel?”

Suddenly all eyes were on him again. He felt his stomach lurch.

“I…” Shit, shit, shit, Kaidan and he had rehearsed this answer because they knew it would come, but now his brain was scrambling for words that wouldn’t come. If he told them the truth, anything like the truth, they’d laugh him off of the planet, or lock him up. He’d tried many times the day before to say that he’d ‘fired’ the crucible, but every time he’d tried he’d stuttered, or flinched. Commander Shepard didn’t _flinch_. “I made it up to the crucible and I f…set off the weapon that defeated the Reapers,” he answered stiffly.

And then the floodgates opened. Questions all aimed at him, how he had worked with other races, how he felt about this issue, or that issue, he was pretty sure they were almost at the point of asking him his favourite colour when the question came:

“Did you know that firing the weapon would destroy the geth, render communications useless, and cause the shutdown of most infrastructure?” a female reporter asked.

He stared at her, swallowing thickly and then casting a glance between Joker, EDI and Tali. “Y-Yes…”

There was moment of rising voices and the reporters talking amongst themselves and their assistants, and then an asari reporter stood.

“And what happened to the reported leader of Earth’s resistance forces, Admiral Anderson?”

Joshua’s face drained of all colour and he looked over at the officials. The question was directed at him, why was it directed at him? He clenched his teeth.

“Admiral Anderson was shot on the Citadel before the weapon was fired, and succumbed to his injuries. His status was listed among those killed in action during the final battle.” Hackett replied. Joshua flinched as Hackett spoke.

“Who shot him?” Came the next question.

Joshua gripped his hands so tightly behind his back he could feel his nails biting into skin.

“That’s enough,” he heard Kaidan mutter behind him, and then felt Kaidan’s arm come around his waist. “Come on, that’s enough, you’re hurting yourself.” Kaidan eased his arms from behind his back and gripped his waist tightly.

“Major, stand down,” Hackett growled at him. When Kaidan didn’t move he continued, “It was the head of the terrorist organisation, Cerberus.”

“N-No it wasn’t,” Joshua muttered. It was a good thing they had disconnected his mic, a very good thing.

“Was firing the weapon really necessary?”

“What became of the head of Cerberus?”

“Was Commander Shepard not there to prevent the head of Cerberus from murdering Admiral Anderson?”

The questions were being answered, probably. He couldn’t tell. He just heard all their voices, a thousand questions all being asked at once. He couldn’t hear, he couldn’t think. Everything was going too fast, and the pistol was in his hand again and that hallway where everything _burned_ and…

“Joshua,” Kaidan said tensely. He looked up at him, having no idea when he’d started staring at the ground, or when he’d started breathing heavily and digging his nails into his palms. “Come on, we’re leaving.”

“Kaidan…” he whimpered, his voice cracking. One of the guards had come over and Joshua inhaled sharply at the sight of his gun. Kaidan responded to the man’s proximity by pulling Joshua’s mic off of his collar and handing it to the guard when he reached for him.

The shock apparently gave the man pause long enough that Kaidan was able to usher Joshua closer to the stairs leading off of the stage.

“Major,” Hackett warned.

Tali was at the bottom of the stairs already. “Come on Shepard, this farce is done, we’re leaving,” she told him, holding her hand out. Joshua took it in his shaking one. “It’s okay,” she told him gently. Garrus was standing just behind her.

Why was she there to help him? He’d just told her, well he’d told _everyone,_ that he’d willingly killed several million geth, and EDI, and she was holding her hand out to him, gently tugging him down the stairs, putting a hand on his back and leading him up to the doors.

That was when all the reporters closest to them forgot the ‘no standing and rushing the Commander’ rule, all of them standing at once and moving as if to try and crowd him.

That was also when two very angry biotics put up their barriers and caused several rushing reporters to fall flat on their asses.

“Enough!” Miranda snapped. “Commander Shepard has answered your questions and we’re _done_ here, _all_ of you.” She aimed a very nasty glare at the officials who were making their way to the edge of the stage.

What happened after that…well he didn’t quite remember. He vaguely remembered being led out of the conference room, Garrus mentioning they should go to where he and Tali were staying because they (whoever they were) wouldn’t expect it. He vividly remembered throwing up violently in the gutter as they left the building through the side door to avoid any extra reporters. And then he was in the back of sky car.

His vision cleared, but he didn’t know when it had gone fuzzy, and looked up to see Steve driving. “Kaidan?” he asked nervously, then felt the arm resting over his shoulder.

“Here, love…” Right beside him, he felt dumb.

“Yeah, I wasn’t going to let him drive, he would have gotten you both killed,” Steve told him, glancing over his shoulder with concern for a moment before facing the console again.

Joshua leaned against Kaidan’s side. “What happened?”

“Yeah, you went like…completely blank there Commander,” James, who was apparently sitting beside Steve, told him. He turned in his chair to face him.

Joshua laughed humourlessly. “I’m not a Commander anymore James, especially not now.”

“No, I’m pretty sure that _I’m_ the one who’s going to be paying for this one,” Kaidan said, though he didn’t sound upset.

There was silence for a moment and then James said, “Why didn’t you tell us it was that _bad_ Shepard?”

Steve threw him a look. “ _James_.”

“Seriously Esteban, if someone had said something? I would’a showed up three weeks ago and shut this whole thing down.”

“It’s nothing,” Joshua muttered.

“It’s nothing?” James asked, sounding disbelieving. “Do you not remember what just happened up there?”

“Enough,” Steve said firmly, causing James to sigh exasperatedly and turn to face the front of the car again.

Kaidan pet his hair, and he pressed his lips together tensely. They must think he was a complete fake. Commander Shepard couldn’t handle a measly press conference. He had no idea where the others were, but if he were them he would have left.

“Those questions should have been on the ‘do not ask’ list,” Steve grumbled suddenly.

Kaidan huffed. “There was no ‘do not ask’ list.”

“What the hell was the Alliance thinking then?” James demanded.

“That I’d show up and be Commander Shepard, instead of some fake with a limp?” Joshua asked, frowning when James turned to give him a look of disbelief.

“You went up on the Citadel, you fought tough as nails, and you seriously think people should expect you to come out of it without any scrapes? You took a Reaper canon to the chest, man!”

Joshua stared at him, unsure whether he understood what James was trying to get at. Yeah, he had tonnes of scars, what did that have to do with him falling apart on a stage in front of hundreds, now millions because it was being broadcasted?

“The Citadel should have been off limits. We fired the giant weapon thing, we won the war. Next question.” James nodded, as if that was the end of the conversation, and faced the front of the car again.

Joshua changed the subject. “Kaidan…where’s Garrus?” Or Tali, because he still wasn’t sure that he remembered correctly that Tali had been the one to direct him from the hall.

“Went ahead with Tali to make sure that no one was hanging around the place that they’re staying. Liara couldn’t get here, but she’s lending them a house she acquired,” Kaidan explained, and Joshua made eye contact with him for the first time. He looked remarkably calm, considering he’d just deliberately disobeyed orders. His brows were knit together in concern though. “Are you okay?”

“I…” he glanced towards the front seat. He desperately wanted to say yes.

“Joshua,” Kaidan warned gently. He turned back to him, knowing well enough that Kaidan already knew the answer. Why was he asking? To prove a point? Was he mad at him? Kaidan’s thumb ran down his cheek. _No_ , Kaidan wasn’t trying to prove a point, he was worried and wanted a clear answer.

“I’m awful,” he replied, letting his head fall forward. He felt ashamed of himself. He _should_ have been able to handle it. “I’m sorry, we practised and I still couldn’t get everything to work…I…I saw…” _The gun, the burning, the hallway, that smell, Anderson falling as he watched helplessly as he fired the bullet into his chest._

Kaidan’s arms wrapped around him tightly and he clenched his teeth together until it hurt.

“Fuck man…” James muttered from the front.

“James!” Steve snapped. Joshua felt his stomach roll. James thought he was as awful as he felt.

“Did they make him get up on stage and talk about Akuze?” James snapped back.

“I’m sorry,” Joshua said, shaking his head slightly as the sky car came to a stop.

“Sorry for what?” James asked. “I’ve seen soldiers go through way less than you and turn out just as bad, or worse. They didn’t make _them_ get up on stage and talk about it. I kept wondering how you managed to keep going without showing any wear and tear, but _man_ if you’d just _said something_ …”

“How was I supposed to say something James?” Joshua snapped, sitting up out of Kaidan’s hold and glaring at James as he spoke. “I don’t feel well, can we ask the Reapers to take a day off?”

James got out the car, somehow dodging the look that Steve was giving him. Joshua got out as well, on Steve’s side and rounded the car to where James and Kaidan were.

“No, but you always keep everything on yourself Shepard, when you finally asked for help it was today! Someone could have done something beforehand.”

“I can’t just start whining at people James! People expect me to behave like the man who holds the entire galaxy in the palm of his hand!” Joshua was yelling now, his hands clenched into fists at his sides.

Kaidan got between him and James, putting a hand on his chest and pushing him back gently. He hadn’t realised he’d got into an aggressive stance, or that he’d started pulling back his shoulder like he was going to start fighting him. Steve had come up behind James, putting a hand on his shoulder and muttering something tensely to him.

“Well, maybe you need to start disappointing people Shepard,” James said finally.

“What?” Joshua asked, standing up straighter even though his hands were still balled into fists at his sides.

“Joshua,” Kaidan said softly, pulling him back from the intense eye contact he’d had with James for the past several moments. He looked at Kaidan, and felt confusion overtake his anger and frustration. What did James mean?

“Hey, are you two sparring already?” Joker asked, showing up out of nowhere at the hood of the sky car.

“I…um…no.” Joshua shook his head, relaxing his stance and his hands. His hip hurt. Why was Joker talking to him? He looked up and around, suddenly noticing that they were in front of a rather large house.

“Good, then come inside before, I dunno, someone with cameras notices.”

They followed. Joshua looked at the house and wondered why it was in such good condition. Closer inspection told him that several parts of it had been rebuilt. It looked like Liara must have procured the place as a sort of base of operations, at least for within New York. It was pretty, but not spectacular. Most people wouldn’t give it a second look, just assuming it belonged to someone with a lot of money. Certainly not that that someone happened to be the Shadow Broker.

“Good, you arrived in one piece.” Joshua looked up and saw Garrus standing in the front room as he came through the door. He didn’t look the slightest bit disappointed, he just looked slightly bored as usual. Joshua frowned at him. “Miranda and Samantha went back to the hospital, going to clear some stuff up, let the Alliance know that you’re not showing up for anymore ‘press conferences’.”

“Good,” Kaidan said. “We should have done that to begin with.”

“Agreed.” Garrus nodded, wandering off into a room at their left.

“Gabby and Donnelly went back to wherever they were staying. Gabby said coming here would make it too obvious that we were here. Not that Liara’s Shadow Broker agents will let anyone with cameras in here,” Joker explained, turning to Joshua as they followed Garrus into the room. “Donnelly looked like he was about ready to pull out his fighting gear though.”

James and Steve went past them into the living room, finding themselves a seat among the two couches and several arm chairs.

Joshua shrugged. Joker’s lips pulled to one side and he sighed, leaving Joshua standing in the door way to the living room with Kaidan just behind him. Joker sat on the couch with EDI.

Suddenly Tali was in his face. “Are you okay?” she asked, approaching him slowly like he was an animal that may run away.

“Yeah?” Joshua frowned at her in confusion, not even realising he’d just answered automatically.

“Thank goodness…Keelah I was so worried.” Tali then hugged him around the neck, and he had no idea how to react. He looked over her head at the others in the room. Garrus looked the most entertained, but it wasn’t absent from the others’ faces.

Kaidan was behind him and he couldn’t see the look on his face, but he desperately wanted his help to escape the excited quarian. He hadn’t realised that Tali hadn’t seen him in almost a year, and that the last time she’d seen him he’d been in critical condition. He just felt nervousness bubbling in his belly because he didn’t deserve her affection.

“I um…” Joshua pressed his lips together, looking down at Tali’s hood. “I’m sorry.”

“Huh? What for?” Tali asked, releasing him and taking a step back so that she could tilt her head at him. He looked over at EDI. Apparently just the look told her what for, because she sighed softly. “Shepard, if you really think that I’d hate you for defeating the Reapers…”

“And several million geth, and one of our friends, all at once,” Joshua added, his self-hatred evident in his tone. He glared at the table at EDI and Joker’s knees.

Tali pressed a hand against his face and he looked back up again. “You’re not okay are you?”

Joshua blinked at her, felt like his blood had gone both cold and static all at once. He laughed nervously. “What? Of course I am I…”

“I was really hoping that I’d come here after all those months and you’d be the same old Shepard, but…that was selfish of me. Just like it was selfish of the Alliance to expect the same from you. You had to make all of those tough decisions, and you kept doing it all alone.” Tali shook her head slightly, turning away from him and going to sit in one of the chairs at the other end of the room.

Garrus still stood, still looking at him. Joshua stood and stared right back at him for a moment, unsure what he wanted. But then Kaidan came up closer behind him, a hand resting on his hip as he muttered, “Let’s sit, your hip’s hurting right?”

Garrus nodded slowly and sat down next to Tali in a different chair. Joshua looked over his shoulder at Kaidan, who smiled at him gently. Of course his hip was still hurting, but he had been trying to keep it to himself. While he wasn’t surprised that Kaidan had noticed he was disappointed at the same time.

“Kay.” He shrugged, sitting on the couch across from where EDI, Joker, and Steve were sitting. Kaidan sat beside him and took his hand gently. Joshua squeezed and looked over at him with an appreciative smile. Kaidan smiled back.

“Well at least _that_ worked out,” Joker said, leaning back on the couch. “The whole ‘Are we a couple? I don’t know! Maybe! Let’s make awkward expressions at each other and find out!’ thing was getting really old.”

Steve snorted.

“There a problem?” Joshua asked, sitting up slightly despite the posture hurting his hip. Kaidan had tensed slightly beside him, but the hold on his hand was still firm.

“I believe that Jeff is just…relieved that you two finally figured out your relationship,” EDI amended, giving Joker a mildly amused look. Joshua frowned at her, remembering all of the conversations they’d had on the Normandy about his and Kaidan’s relationship.

James added, “You two _were_ really awkward, you know.”

“Let’s talk about something else.” Joshua frowned down at the small table which was between them all.

“Does he call you your first name now, you know, like actual lovers do?” Steve put in.

Joshua gave him a ‘really?’ look from across the room. “Have you conquered any ‘Spanish tanks’ lately?”

James cleared his throat loudly and shuffled around in his chair.

“Do you have a cold Jimmy?” Garrus asked helpfully.

“Shut it Scars.”

Just like that he was home again. They could have been sitting in the lounge on the Normandy, talking about anything. He watched as the others held conversation, Garrus talking about Palaven and Tali about Rannoch. Steve and James talking about some of the people they’d ferried around for the first weeks after the war ended, and Joker talking about how towing the Citadel back to Citadel space had been an interesting exercise in ‘interspecies cooperation’.

Kaidan started providing his own stories of the rebuilding effort and, even though Joshua felt a little bit left out, he listened. While he’d been sitting in a bed for ten months his crew had continued doing good work, being good people. He was proud of them. He listened with a slight smile on his face for quite some time, until he fell asleep.

-o-

When he awoke again, it was dark. There was a blanket draped over him and someone, presumably Kaidan, had eased him into a proper sleeping position on the couch. He was lying on his back. When he woke up Joker was talking about him. He cracked his eyes open and then shut them again, feeling heavy and awful.

“He’s really out isn’t he?” Joker asked, sounding a bit concerned.

“Can you blame him?” he heard Kaidan ask.

“Uh, no? If the Alliance made me get up on stage and tell the world what happened during the war I’d lose it too, and I’m just the pilot.”

“He didn’t _lose it_ ,” Kaidan replied tersely.

There was a moment of silence, and then Joker replied, “Right, right, wrong choice of words. Sorry.”

It was nice of Kaidan to stand up for him, but he’d definitely lost it. The only reason he wasn’t feeling worse about it was that the Alliance couldn’t actually do anything about it. He was already listed as discharged, even if they dropped his rank or something he wouldn’t feel it. He was done and now they were probably done with him too.

Joshua rolled onto his side, cracking his eyes open and seeing that the room was just barely being lit. Kaidan noticed him and came over from where he and Joker had been standing at the door to the room. Joker had slipped into the hallway.

“Hey.” Kaidan sat on the couch in the space his hips made and Joshua closed his eyes as he ran his fingers down his cheek.

“H…hey,” he muttered back, nuzzling against Kaidan’s fingers. “Can we go home?”

“Yeah…in a bit. But, we could stay here if you want,” Kaidan offered. Which obviously meant that Kaidan wanted to say. Joshua really didn’t want to stay. He wanted to go to his own bed, and pull the blankets over his head and ignore the world for the next hundred years.

“I want to go home Kaidan,” he told him, looking up at him exhaustedly. “Please?”

Kaidan sighed. “Whatever you want, as long as you’re comfortable. I just thought you may want to be around familiar faces for a while, that’s all,” Kaidan told him, smiling down at him gently.

“I’m…tired.”

“Yeah, I can see that.” Kaidan’s fingers ran down his cheek for a moment longer and then paused. “Do you want to eat anything? Cortez and James ran out and got food that we could eat, since Tali and Garrus stocked the fridge with dextro only stuff.”

The very idea of eating made his stomach hurt. He shook his head and closed his eyes again.

“Is he doing better?” EDI asked, from somewhere near the door.

“I wouldn’t say that…” Kaidan told her honestly. It was hard to hide things from EDI anyways, she had a habit of noticing things way too easily for them to be hidden.

“May I speak to him?” she asked, he could hear the kindness in her voice. It was a kindness she’d always afforded him, no matter how stupid a mistake he was making. She was like a patient old soul, only getting really passionate about serious things, like taking down Cerberus, and the Reapers. Joshua had trouble believing that he’d started out not liking her sometimes, because he liked her so much now.

“Look, I know you probably want to talk about…”

“What’s up EDI?” Joshua asked, sitting up and interrupting Kaidan’s protest. Of course he was going to try and protect him from having to talk about it, but in this case EDI, at least, deserved an explanation of some sort.

“Joshua I really don’t think that’s a good idea,” Kaidan told him, turning back to him and giving him a deeply concerned look.

“How about we’ll talk, and if I start ‘losing it’ again you can shut it down.”

“Joshua…” Kaidan’s tone was chastising. But there was no other word for it, he _was_ losing it.

“I will be gentle, I promise,” EDI assured him. “I may not truly understand what it feels to go through what Joshua is experiencing, but I have no interest in triggering it.”

Kaidan sighed, looking between EDI and Joshua as EDI stepped up alongside the couch and apparently giving in. He stood up and Joshua reached out for him, because apparently they were doing that again. Great.

“I’m not going anywhere, love, just moving.” Kaidan told him gently, taking hold of his hand and sitting on the floor beside him as he sat up further to accommodate EDI sitting at his feet.

“Sorry,” he told Kaidan gently.

“Don’t be.”

He sighed, looking up at EDI who was watching him closely. Always watching. He doubted she’d ever get out of the habit, even if she was now severed at least partially from the Normandy.

“Does it feel weird?” Joshua heard himself asking. He mentally kicked himself. That was _not_ the question to be asking here.

“Do you refer to separation from the Normandy?” EDI asked him, her lips tugging up at the side. Joshua nodded slowly. “Well, yes. I can still interface with the Normandy’s systems, but this…body, is smaller. Different.”

“I’m sorry,” Joshua blurted out, feeling Kaidan’s hand tighten around his. “I…I can’t believe I did that…I…I almost ruined _everything_ , for you, for Joker. I _did_ ruin everything for Tali.”

“I would not have expected you not to defeat the Reapers, Joshua,” she told him sternly.

“I don’t believe in sacrificing the few for the many!” Joshua snapped at her, then covered his face and slumped forward slightly. Nope, shouldn’t be addressing the friend he’d nearly killed like that.

“And yet,” EDI began, without as much as a waver from her pervious tone. “You believe in sacrificing yourself for the many.”

“I…” Joshua stared at her, his brows raising a fraction, pressing his lips together and swallowing nervously. Okay, so probably everyone had figured that fact out by now. Only a few had known it before hand, but knowing that they knew at all was…awful. He felt like he’d been doused in grease.

“Is it not fair to say that anyone may have been willing to do the same?”

Joshua opened his mouth, and then closed it again. He frowned, looking down at his knees and shifting slightly because his hip was aching. “But what if your back up had been corrupted? Or something had gone wrong? Or they hadn’t been able to restore your body? Joker would have been alone.”

“And if they hadn’t been able to restart your heart the fifteen times it stopped? Or if you had never been found?” EDI asked him.

His frown deepened. “Then ‘Commander Shepard’ would have been over, the end.”

“Kaidan would have been alone,” EDI corrected him.

He felt like the bottom of his stomach had dropped out. He glanced down at Kaidan, sitting at his side and looking up at him with a crease in his brow that he swore hadn’t been there several weeks ago when he’d woken up, that definitely hadn’t been there at the beginning of the war. Holding his hand in a vice grip, he could see the shadows of every time he’d walked out of the man’s life because _he_ thought it was better in his eyes.

“I am not chastising you for doing what you had to do Joshua,” EDI continued shortly, but he couldn’t tear himself away from the look on Kaidan’s face. “But, understand that others also did what they had to do.”

It had all seemed okay to him, because Kaidan hadn’t really loved him, right? Kaidan would have been able to go on without him, he’d told himself that as he’d walked away from him and towards the beam. That look on Kaidan’s face when he’d left? Heartbreaking, but not permanent. Kaidan would move on.

But Kaidan _had_ loved him, and would he have been able to move on? He’d been wrong in one count. If he had disappeared from Kaidan’s life forever would he have broken him for far longer than he’d anticipated? He thought about Joker without EDI, and he automatically knew the answer.

“D…” He tore his gaze away from Kaidan’s face so that he could look at EDI again. The look on Kaidan’s face hurt him too much. The idea of leaving Kaidan alone in the world, having to deal with everything on his own, was painful. The idea that he’d almost done it on purpose hurt more. He was surprised that Kaidan didn’t think that he hated him.

EDI was looking at him intently and he realised that he’d said something. He had to think for a moment to remember what he’d wanted to ask. Kaidan squeezed his hand gently, and he felt him rest his head against his hip. “Do you think that Tali feels the same way?” It would be nice if she did, he’d only screwed the only chance she’d possibly ever have to run around her home world without her suit on.

“I cannot answer that for you.”

“Joker doesn’t feel the same way,” he decided, remembering how angry he’d been when they’d first seen each other again after he’d woken up. EDI shook her head slightly and Joshua dropped his gaze to his lap.

“I don’t think he thinks about it the same way you do Joshua,” EDI told him gently.

“He told me already that I ‘tried to kill his synthetic girlfriend’, do you remember that?”

“I think he was more upset then that _he_ hadn’t protected _you_.”

“What?”

EDI chuckled, and he knew he must have done something pretty entertaining, because EDI didn’t _just_ start laughing. She rarely laughed at anyone other than Joker.

“You are very good at remembering things that prove people dislike you Joshua.”

Now Kaidan chuckled.

“Would you like me to replay what he said to you?” EDI asked.

Joshua shook his head. “Yeah, no thanks, that sounds terrifying.”

“I’ll tell you then,” Joker said from the door, frowning at him thoughtfully. Joshua looked up at him in surprise, having not realised that he was there. “Anderson told me to keep you safe, keep an eye on you, and I had to watch you go running off into a _Reaper_ _canon!_ ” He stepped into the room as he spoke.

“More or less,” EDI agreed.

“Come pick up our guys Joker! I have to go run off into a giant vaporising beam of light!” Joker added, stepping closer and looking down at him with his arms folded.

“And then came the trying to kill your synthetic girlfriend,” Joshua muttered, sighing softly and leaning against the back of the couch. “Sorry.”

“He’s still missing the whole ‘destroyed the Reapers’ part of this conversation, or that part when there are people who sort of like him alive and not flayed in half by a canon,” Joker said, turning to EDI and shrugging.

“Trust me Joker, I’ve been having this conversation with him for weeks,” Kaidan told him from the floor, nuzzling against Joshua’s hip as he spoke.

“Yeah, but if he wasn’t stubborn, would we all be standing here right now?” Garrus, because apparently people were lined up in the hallway waiting to come in and admit that they’d been eavesdropping.

Joker chuckled nervously, clearly not liking the idea. “You kidding? We’d be serving our space bug overlords right about now.”

“Right?” Garrus smirked at them, leaning against the doorframe and making direct eye-contact with Joshua. “Tali doesn’t hate you either Joshua. She, like everyone else, understands what had to be done.”

Joshua clenched his teeth, shaking his head slightly. “You don’t understand,” he muttered, sitting back on the couch and staring down at his knees. They couldn’t understand. He’d done what had to be done? He hadn’t needed to shoot Anderson, but he’d done that. How could they stand by everything he had done? Without question? They insisted that it needed to be done but _he_ didn’t believe it.

“No, I think we do understand Joshua,” Joker said to him, crossing his arms and looking down at him sternly. Joshua shook his head. “ _You_ don’t understand.”

Kaidan held his hand tightly. “You don’t have to tell them Joshua,” he muttered softly.

“What doesn’t he have to tell us Kaidan?” Garrus asked. “I think we already realised from the reaction he had to the question of Anderson being brought up.”

Three sets of eyes set on him, EDI, Joker, and Kaidan. Garrus was still watching Kaidan, daring him to contradict him.

Joshua shook his head, what had happened to being gentle with him? He took his hand back from Kaidan and started rubbing it and his other together nervously.

“Don’t hate me…” he muttered, his voice breaking. “I…I didn’t mean to. It…I…”

“He was indoctrinated,” Kaidan filled in for him, sounding fiercely protective.

He wanted to go home. He gripped his hands together tightly, trying desperately not to see the hallway, smell the burning and the blood.

Kaidan turned around, got up on his knees and took his hands. “ _Stop it_ ,” he told him sternly. Joshua made a soft whimpering sound, unable to keep his lover’s gaze and instead staring intently at his knees. “ _All_ of you,” Kaidan added, looking at the three others in the room. Joshua didn’t see what sort of look he gave them, but Garrus’s expression softened and Joker inched closer to the sofa.

One year ago he would have sat in front of them all and pretended like everything was fine. One year ago he could have done that without any problem. One year ago he didn’t have nightmares so persistent that they haunted his waking moments and the murder of his most trusted and respected commanding officer on his hands. If someone had told him that he’d be _this_ one year later, while he was garnering peace between the quarians and the geth, we would have told them they were lying.

At least his nightmares had stayed in the night then.

Nothing else was said for a few minutes, but then EDI put in apologetically, “I said I would be gentle with him, I’m sorry.”

“Are you alright?” Kaidan asked him, only affording EDI a shot nod before looking back at him.

“Doing great Kaidan, I’m just having a break down in front of my crew,” Joshua replied to him, trying to keep his voice even as he looked back up at his lover with a look of pain on his face. “Can we go home now?”

“You know you really don’t give us enough credit,” Garrus said. He could tell the look that Kaidan sent to him wasn’t a nice one. The hands over his squeezed slightly. “He doesn’t,” he insisted, before looking back up at him. “Kaidan and I aren’t the only ones who won’t hightail it when things go wrong Joshua. Most of us have been here since the start, we’re not going to leave now because of a few bad dreams.”

“They’re not _your_ bad dreams Garrus!” Joshua snapped at him, looking up at him desperately.

Garrus got that awful, awkward, sympathetic look on his face that he didn’t like because it was foreign. Reserved for nights when they’d had too much to drink and he started whining about Kaidan, where Garrus replied by slinging an arm over his shoulder and slurring “I know, I know” a few times.

“It doesn’t matter if the enemy is out there,” Garrus pointed with his thumb towards the window, “or in there,” he pointed at Joshua, “we’re not _going_ _anywhere_.”

“I pretty much have to agree with Garrus on this one.” Joker shrugged his shoulders like it was that easy to stand by him. “And anyone who _does_ go anywhere wasn’t a part of any crew _I_ flew around the galaxy.”

Joshua sighed and shook his head, staring at his lap, at his and Kaidan’s hands. “How can you all stand beside me no matter what, when I can’t even stand beside me?”

“I can’t stand by myself either you know,” Joker told him. Joshua looked up at him in confusion. “Because it’s _impossible_.”

Joshua stared at him, really wanting to be mad at him for not taking the situation seriously. But it was Joker, and he was somehow managing to keep a completely straight face, while Kaidan stared at him as well with what could only have been a look of disbelief. Garrus was standing behind him cracking up into his hand and pretending he was rubbing his nose.

“You’re an ass,” Joshua managed to tell him, before he started cracking up as well and had to extract his hand from Kaidan’s to cover his face.

“Yeah well that makes two of us,” Joker told him, beginning to snicker himself.

Kaidan sat back on his heels again as James poked his head into the room.

“So…the Commander’s laughing now, does that mean we can come in?” he asked.

“Only make it _more_ obvious that you were eavesdropping James,” Kaidan said, amusement in his tone. Joshua turned on the sofa so that his legs were draped off the side and he was sitting normally.

As James, Steve, _and_ Tali entered, Kaidan stood and leaned over him. Joshua looked up at him, his moment of amusement having run its course. Kaidan smiled down at him gently before giving him a soft kiss.

“The _entire_ crew is in the room Kaidan,” Joshua muttered to him softly as he pulled away.

“Yeah, well, screw ‘em.”

“ _No_ thank you Major,” James put in. But Tali was slowly easing closer to them and Joshua looked up at her before Kaidan and James could start going at it.

She tilted her head slightly, and wrung her hands. “I’m not angry at you Shepard,” she told him softly, plunking herself down on the couch next to him and staring at him through her mask. He could only just see her eyes. She took his hands this time, as Kaidan took a step back and gave Joker a mock dirty look. “You believe me right?”

Joshua’s lips tugged up at the side.

“No, seriously, for the past several hours she’s been asking me on repeat whether you think she hates you,” Garrus told him plainly.

“Can it, Vakarian,” Tali shot back, looking at him briefly before looking back. “You have always been like an older brother to me Shepard, I don’t think that I _could_ hate you.”

He felt that familiar feeling of alarm take over him that he was being compared to an older brother. But he ignored it, at least he could still do that in this case. He couldn’t even see her face, but he could still feel her imploring him, begging him, to believe her.

He exhaled sharply. “I believe you Tali, don’t worry.” He wished that everyone said it as simply as she did. That not everyone tried to make him have some kind of psychological epiphany when they tried to explain themselves. He thought that if he had one more psychological _anything_ his brain would actually start dripping out of his ears.

She hugged him again, for the second time that day, arms going around his neck as she rested her forehead on his shoulder. “I’m so glad you’re _okay_ Shepard,” she told him, sounding like she had burst into tears. “When I left…you were still so _sick_ and I thought…I thought I may never see you again.”

He hugged her back. He thought back to leaving Kaidan all alone as he ran for the beam, but what about everyone else? Joker had obviously been affected by it, and now Tali was showing it too. And, if Garrus’s strange attachment to him was any indication he’d been affected by as well.

“It’s okay Tali,” he assured her.

She thumped him on the back. “It’s _not_ okay! I come back and the Alliance is already up their old tricks again, put Shepard on a stage and see how well he dances. Without even thinking about…anything.”

He patted her back gently, looking over at Garrus and finding he looked remarkably calm for all he had his arms around his girlfriend and vice versa.

“Maybe they just expected more of me,” Joshua told her, shrugging slightly. She pulled back slightly, he could practically see the pout on her face, even having never really seen it.

“Of _course_ they expected more of you Shepard. You saved them from themselves not once, but _three times_. It’s time to stop now, I’m retiring you.” And just like that she waved him off, turned back to sit properly on the couch, and acted like that was that.

“You’re retiring me?” Joshua asked, feeling the smile growing onto his face before it got there. Somehow everything was okay with everyone, his crew, his friends, his _family_ , all in the room.

“Yes,” she told him deliberately. “You’re retired now.”

“Well what do I do now?” he asked, leaning back against the couch again. He looked up at Kaidan, who was looking between the two of them as they spoke.

“You take care of yourself for once. This time when I ask you how you are, you don’t say ‘fine’ and then pick up a datapad so you can hide your face in it for several hours,” Tali told him, nodding to herself as she finished.

“Uh…” Joshua glanced between her and Kaidan, feeling a little nervous about that one. And what was he supposed to say instead?

“So,” Tali started, ignoring his uncertainty. “How are you Shepard?”

He turned and stared at her, a look of discomfort on his face. Four people in the room he couldn’t lie to, three because they’d know and one because one of the other three would communicate to him that he was lying. Tali, he’d lied to her in the past, but at this point she’d know he was lying. So five people. A quick glance at James and Steve told him they were intent on the conversation as well. So, okay, he couldn’t lie to any of them.

“I…” His stomach twisted. _Complaining_. Other people had it worse. He was just losing his mind, it wasn’t anyone else’s fault why should they have to deal with it? Seven people wanted to know, however. _Why?_ “I’m awful Tali,” he told her, feeling like he may be sick. He expected someone to scoff, for someone to roll their eyes, anything, as his gaze set on his knees and he shook his head slightly.

“I know Shepard,” Tali said softly, taking hold of his hand again. “So how are we going to fix it?”

Joshua looked at their hands, opened his mouth to reply—And the front door chimed as it opened. “I’m going to _wring the necks_ of those Alliance officials!” Miranda yelled as she entered.

“That’s a start,” Garrus said.

The snickering started again.


	28. Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's sexy times in this chapter, so be warned. Not that I really know what anyone's doing here if they don't want sexy times.

They’d ended up spending the night after all. The house had so many rooms that Joshua wondered if it hadn’t been a very old boarding house, or a hotel, from way back when. Updated and turned into the Shadow Broker’s base of operations in New York, or other places, that part he wasn’t sure on.

Miranda had spent most of the evening either ranting about, or ranting to, the Alliance. She had somehow managed to spin it to be entirely the Alliance’s fault, even though Joshua had found out that she hadn’t exactly told them just ‘how bad’ he was. _He_ hadn’t heard anything from the Alliance yet, but Kaidan had received a short communication stating he would not be receiving disciplinary actions.

Also, and he wasn’t sure whether it was Miranda’s doing or Liara’s, but somehow all of the news stories that he’d managed to flip through, before Garrus had turned off the vid-screen and glared at him, had been positive. Well, positive for him. Either saying that the Alliance had been in the wrong for parading him around after ‘all the strain of the war’ or praising him for keeping his composure as long as he had with such a ‘difficult subject’. He’d even briefly seen one where someone had managed to take a picture of the woman who had started the flurry of questions to him by asking about the Citadel and said she had been wrong to pry.

He wasn’t sure if he should feel impressed or depressed that his friends had protected him so much. There was no way they’d be saying good things about him without some sort of interference from _someone_.

Now they were home again, and Joshua had just crawled right back into bed and snuggled down into the covers. Kaidan came in a few minutes later, he heard the door open and then heard him sigh softly.

“I thought you were changing,” he heard him mutter.

“I changed into nothing and now I’m going to bed,” he replied, tugging the blankets tighter around himself.

Kaidan sat at his back on the edge of the bed, running a hand down his shoulder and arm. “Even though yesterday ended up pretty good?”

Joshua peaked up over the blankets at Kaidan, who was looking down at him with a sad affection that made his heart hurt a bit. “I…” He sniffed and shook his head slightly. “I’m still the commander that lost it on stage in front of the entire galaxy, it doesn’t matter how Miranda or Liara censors it.”

Kaidan’s hand gripped his shoulder. “Would you _stop_ saying that you lost it? When will you start saying that you’re suffering, and maybe accept that the Alliance pushed you past your breaking point?”

He rolled onto his back, partially to face Kaidan and partially to break the almost painful hold he had on his shoulder. “Then what did I do Kaidan? I don’t even _remember_ half of it.”

“I just wish you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself,” Kaidan told him, retracting his hand and seeming to realise he’d been a bit too rough. “Just because you couldn’t handle it doesn’t mean that you lost it.”

Joshua sighed. “I’d really like to just pull the blankets over my head and pretend I don’t exist for a while Kaidan.”

“No. I’m not going to let you do that,” Kaidan replied. He leaned in and pressed their foreheads together.

“Kaidan…” he whined.

“I love you. _Please_ don’t do that to yourself.” Kaidan’s tone was almost begging. It made him feel awful.

“What should I do instead?” he asked, giving in to Kaidan’s desperation.

“Come with me to the kitchen, I’ll make us lunch, and then we can sit on the couch and…I don’t know, watch movies or something.” Kaidan sat up again, looking down at him for a moment, his expression still that sad affection. “If Tali knew that I’d brought you home and you became a vegetable she’d never forgive me.”

“I…we…we have good friends don’t we?” Joshua asked, sitting up and smiling in spite of his feelings when Kaidan smiled as well. Before he would have denied Kaidan’s statement, or at least not believed it.

“We have…some of the best friends in the galaxy I think.” Kaidan agreed.

They just looked at each other for a few minutes, stuck between smiling at each other and just _looking_ because sometimes that was just what they needed to do.

“If I do all that stuff…go watch you make lunch, and sit on the couch and watch movies or something…is it a date?” Joshua asked, and Kaidan kissed him. He could feel the smile on his lips as he did so.

“Yeah, a date,” Kaidan agreed, taking his hands and squeezing them gently. “Can you promise me something though?”

Joshua felt Kaidan’s thumb rubbing over the places in his hands where he’d accidentally broken through the skin on the day before. “It doesn’t have anything to do with the date, does it?” he asked.

“No…not really. Just…could you stop doing this to yourself?” Kaidan held up his left hand, which he’d done most of the damage to. There was a line of crescent moon shaped scabs on his palm.

Joshua glanced at it and sighed. “Didn’t do it on purpose.”

“I know.” Kaidan sighed, kissing his palm gently. Joshua squirmed, not used to people touching his hands, and definitely not that intimately. “And I know that you don’t rub your hands raw on purpose either, but…can you try not to?”

Joshua hadn’t even realised that he _did_ rub his hands raw.  “I can try not to Kaidan,” he said softly, running his thumb over Kaidan’s lips.

“Good,” Kaidan said, sounding relieved. Joshua could feel his lips move against his thumb. “What do you want for lunch?”

“Sandwiches?”

“We don’t really have meat for it,” Kaidan thought out loud. Getting real meat still wasn’t that easy, it was easier to grow plants from seeds than breed animals for food, and then have to raise them. Neither of them liked synthesised crap.

“We have cheese right?” Joshua asked. Kaidan nodded. Joshua grinned. “Grilled cheese sandwiches.”

Kaidan kissed his thumb, and then his palm again. “It’s really easy to meet your dietary needs. Are you telling me I didn’t need to make steak during our first night together on the Citadel?”

“But I liked the steak, you didn’t need to…but it was nice for once. _Real_ food,” Joshua explained, taking his hand back from Kaidan so that he could wrap his arms around him and tug him into a tight embrace.

“Yeah, I never really caught you eating on the SR-2,” Kaidan mused, resting his head on Joshua’s shoulder.

“That’s because I don’t like eating.”

“You’re just not eating the right things,” Kaidan told him. They sat there for a few moments, before Kaidan gently pulled out of his hold and stood up. “But yeah, grilled cheese sounds just fine.”

Joshua kicked the blankets off and watched as Kaidan’s gaze ran down his frame. He climbed out of bed, wandering over to their shared dresser and bending to open the drawer with his pants in it. He could practically feel Kaidan’s eyes on him, it made him feel tingly…weird. He _liked_ it.

“You really did change into nothing, didn’t you?” Kaidan asked him, as he tugged his selected jeans out of the drawer and stood to pull them on.

“I like being naked.” He shrugged.

Kaidan came up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist, helping him do up the button on the front of his jeans and resting his chin on his shoulder. “I like when you’re naked too,” he muttered.

Joshua felt a shiver run up his spine. “I…”

Kaidan kissed his earlobe gently. “Don’t worry love, I’m just playing.”

But that was the thing, he didn’t feel worried, or overwhelmed. He wasn’t sure _what_ he felt, but he certainly wasn’t feeling that uncomfortable panic which had gripped him whenever either of them had turned anything intimate since he’d woken up.

He turned around in Kaidan’s arms, resting his arms over Kaidan’s shoulders and smiling affectionately at him. “Can I leave my shirt off?” he asked.

Kaidan smirked at him. “Do you even have to ask? I wouldn’t have minded you wandering the house all day naked.”

“Yeah, but you’re dressed so that would be really weird,” Joshua told him, kissing him chastely on the lips.

Kaidan chuckled. “Kitchen?”

“Yeah, okay.”

He followed Kaidan into the kitchen, intertwining his fingers on one hand with Kaidan’s as they went. Kaidan turned around as they entered the kitchen and smiled at him affectionately.

“What did I do to deserve you?” he asked, his expression going a bit dreamy for a moment.

“Something pretty bad I bet,” Joshua replied, wiping the look off of Kaidan’s face and grinning as he was pushed back against the fridge and kissed insistently.

“Quiet you,” he was told firmly when the kiss was broken.

“I love you,” Joshua muttered back. “Thank you for being there for me yesterday. _I_ should be asking what _I_ did to deserve _you_.”

“You only saved the entire galaxy,” Kaidan replied softly, bumping their foreheads together gently. “But, you’re welcome. I wish…I wish I could have done more. It wasn’t enough to just stand behind you I _really_ wanted to be able to hold you through it too… Even though you were right in front of me, you felt _so_ far away…”

“I know…let’s not do that again, okay? Let’s not let anyone draw lines between us anymore I can’t…I hate it,” Joshua agreed softly. He hated that feeling, like no matter how far he reached he’d never be able to get to Kaidan. He’d felt like that for years and having to feel like that again, even for a short time, had been awful for him. If Kaidan had felt he same way, then he absolutely wanted to avoid being in that situation ever again.

“Alright, got it.” Kaidan nodded. “I love you too.”

They both separated at the same time, going their separate ways as Kaidan went for the fridge and Joshua went to go turn his chair around at the dining table and sit on it.

As Kaidan prepared their simple meal, he watched Joshua out of the corner of his eye. Joshua noticed every time he looked up and wondered what he was thinking about.

“Kaidan,” he inquired, as Kaidan set the first sandwich in the pan. Kaidan looked up at him with interest. “Why do you keep checking on me?”

“I’m just making sure that you’re okay,” Kaidan told him gently, leaving the pan on a burner momentarily as he came over to him. “You weren’t doing so well before.” Kaidan came to a stop at his knees, reaching up and brushing some of his bangs back from his forehead. “You seem to be okay now, but…”

“You wanted me to get up and come sit with you right?” Joshua asked, bunting Kaidan’s fingers gently with his forehead.

“So, you’re just better?” Kaidan asked, leaning forward and pressing their foreheads together.

“I’ll do whatever you want Kaidan, I just want you to be happy.” Joshua watched as Kaidan frowned at him, stood up straight again and looked at him with some confusion and dismay written plainly on his face.

“There’s no way it’s that easy.”

Joshua shrugged. Kaidan’s lips tugged to the side and he wandered back over to the stove. The fact that Kaidan didn’t trust his sudden switch didn’t surprise him, it was hard to explain that anything that Kaidan wanted Joshua desperately wanted to give to him. He thought it was probably normal to want to give your lover something that he wanted, but he sort of took it to the nth degree.

Kaidan…Kaidan just meant too much to him. It made doing things for Kaidan’s sake not that hard, sometimes he didn’t even notice he was doing it.

Kaidan focused on making the sandwiches for a few minutes, and Joshua watched him, wondering if he’d upset him somehow. He wasn’t checking on him anymore.

He stood up, wandering up behind Kaidan and pressing himself against him as he wrapped his arms loosely around his hips and rested his chin on his shoulder. He watched as Kaidan flipped one of the sandwiches, and let his head rest against Kaidan’s.

“You’re not mad at me, are you?” Joshua asked, uncertainty accidentally slipping into his tone.

“Of course I’m not mad at you,” Kaidan told him, bumping his head against Joshua’s as he spoke. “I’m just…worried. Whenever you suddenly change moods like this it’s a bit…unnerving. You spent most of last night pretty subdued.”

Joshua kissed his cheek, allowing Kaidan to turn around to face him and smiling at him gently.

“I love you,” he muttered, watching as Kaidan smiled back at him. “I feel badly for making you…upset yesterday, again. Maybe I’ll just forget about yesterday for the day and spend it just thinking about you.”

Kaidan sighed softly. “I wasn’t…upset.”

“I did it again, talking about how it would have been better if I wasn’t here so that everyone else could be. I don’t want to see that look on your face again…I’m sorry.”

Kaidan turned back to the sandwich in the pan, poking at it a little bit with his spatula. “Don’t worry about me.”

Joshua chuckled softly, nuzzling into the crook of Kaidan’s neck. “That’s not going to happen Kaidan, ever. I’m pretty caught up in my stuff right now, but you’re always a part of it…” He almost said that Kaidan was always a part of him, but he felt like it would be too heavy. He didn’t want to feel heavy right now.

Kaidan let him stay there as he finished up the sandwiches, piling several onto a plate beside the burner before her shut it off and turned around in Joshua’s arms again. He had a soft smile on his face.

“Lunch is ready,” he told him gently, and Joshua smiled back at him.

“Yeah, you made enough for three of you,” Joshua joked, before leaning in to place a kiss on Kaidan’s lips.

Kaidan’s smile deepened, his arms going over Joshua’s shoulders and around his neck so he could tug him closer. Joshua went a bit limp against him, giving his hip a bit of a break as well as snuggling against him.

“I was hoping you’d eat more than usual, since we couldn’t manage to convince you to eat anything last night or this morning,” Kaidan explained to him, running his fingers through the back of his hair just like he’d wanted the day before.

“Hmm…I can try to eat a little bit. I felt really sick yesterday…” He hummed softly as Kaidan continued to thread his fingers through his hair. He didn’t know when he’d started doing it, but he had really come to love when Kaidan did it. It made him feel safe, he could almost feel more of Kaidan’s love in the almost subconscious touch than he could in a planned kiss.

“I know, I wouldn’t expect anything else of you after…that mess.”

At least they could both agree on that part, it had been a mess. Such a mess.

“Let’s go watch movies, or whatever you had planned, and I’ll eat the food you made.” He smiled as he pulled away from Kaidan’s hold, and saw that he was also smiling.

Things had been feeling a bit better, he didn’t feel so heavy all the time. Recent events aside, knowing that Kaidan believed him about what had happened on the Citadel, and that he was willing to stay with him even though he’d done terrible things, made him feel like he was okay. Maybe things could be okay.

“Yeah,” Kaidan replied, after a moment of just smiling at him rather dreamily.

Joshua wandered off to the living room as Kaidan turned to grab the plate he’d put together for them. He picked up his datapad full of puzzles as he sunk down onto the couch, shifting his hips a bit to try and find a comfortable position.

“It’s still bugging you isn’t it?” Kaidan asked, as he set down the plate in front of them and sat a bit away from Joshua before tugging him over. Joshua let himself be pulled, snuggling against Kaidan’s chest as he set his head on Kaidan’s shoulder.

“I don’t think my body wants me to stand in military stances anymore…” he grumbled, looking down at his puzzle.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to,” Kaidan told him. “Just rest, your hip will feel better.” So he spent the next few minutes solving puzzles, until Kaidan said, “You’re answering those ones really quickly,” and handed him a sandwich.

He set the datapad on his lap and took the sandwich, recognising that Kaidan wanted him to eat rather and play. “These ones are pretty easy,” he told Kaidan, before taking a bite.

“They looked like pictures of words on top of each other.”

“Yeah, because that one was “Pardon me”…they’re rebuses. Most of these ones are easy,” he explained, nuzzling against Kaidan’s chest.

“Yeah, I have no idea how you got that from looking at a picture of ‘pard’ on top of ‘me’.” Kaidan told him, chuckling softly and taking his own sandwich.

Joshua didn’t bother arguing, he had a weird brain that liked puzzles. Most people didn’t. When he saw word questions he was able to figure them out quite quickly, while others didn’t. Kaidan was different kinds of smart, not being good at making words out of nonsense didn’t mean anything.

“Kaidan,” he whined, for no reason. He didn’t even know why he’d done it, but when Kaidan just chuckled and tugged him closer he felt some kind of gain from it, affection blooming in his chest.

Kaidan turned on the TV and started looking through channels. “There probably won’t be anything that’s actually good quality. Most of the out of system channels still don’t work.”

“Most couples don’t watch movies to actually watch the movie I think,” Joshua commented, leaning forward to set his datapad on the table and then rolling onto his back so that he could rest his head on Kaidan’s lap.

“You know, I don’t think that we’re ‘most couples’,” Kaidan told him.

“What, most couples don’t fly around the galaxy saving the day? Why didn’t anyone tell me that?” Joshua smiled up at him, watching as Kaidan broke off a piece of his sandwich and offered it to him. He shook his head, letting Kaidan feed him the piece and then finishing off the rest of the sandwich that was still in his own hands.

“It’s harder to kiss you when you’re lying like that,” Kaidan told him, affection clear on his face as he ran the fingers of his free hand through Joshua’s bangs.

“Hmm, yeah but…” He closed his eyes, feeling sleepy with Kaidan’s fingers running through his hair. “I’m okay with it.”

“Ah, well then, it’s okay.” Kaidan let him lie like that for a few minutes before he felt another piece of sandwich pressed against his lips. “You have to eat,” he insisted softly.

Joshua accepted the piece and opened his eyes so that he could look up at Kaidan again. “ _You_ have to eat,” he told him stubbornly.

“Yeah, okay,” Kaidan said, stretching over him and taking the plate off of the table before setting it on his stomach.

Joshua made a soft ‘oof’ sound as Kaidan took another sandwich and smirked down at him. “I’m not a table,” he complained, but the warmth from the plate was actually quite nice on his stomach.

“You’re a damn adorable table,” Kaidan told him.

“Commander Shepard isn’t _adorable_ ,” Joshua protested.

Kaidan seemed to think about that for a moment, taking a bite out of his sandwich and then breaking a piece off. “Joshua Shepard _is_ adorable,” he said, before offering the piece he’d broken off to him.

Joshua felt his cheeks heat as he accepted the piece from Kaidan and turned his head to face the TV to hide at least one side of his red face. Kaidan chuckled at him, running his fingers along the hairline behind his ear.

“See?” Kaidan asked.

“I don’t see _anything_.” Joshua replied, pouting.

Kaidan chuckled at him again and went back to searching through channels. Joshua watched him scroll through, and looked up at him when he settled on a movie channel which was mostly clear.

Kaidan offered him the last piece of his sandwich, which he took, and then took another sandwich from the plate which was still warming his stomach.

“You are adorable,” Kaidan repeated.

“No, _you_ are,” Joshua shot back, poking Kaidan in the stomach as he spoke. He turned to look at the TV again. “I fell in love with you because you got this…cute little smile on your face.”

When he looked back up Kaidan’s face his lips had tugged up at one side.

“Yeah, that one,” Joshua said, kissing Kaidan’s belly. “I love that smile.”

“I love that thing you do with your lips when you’re nervous. I don’t love that you’re nervous, but that thing you do with your lips makes me want to kiss you.” Joshua automatically pressed his lips together. “Yeah…that. But I can’t kiss you right now.”

Joshua opened his mouth, and Kaidan chuckled, ripping off a piece of his sandwich and popping it in his mouth.

“Kaidan…” Joshua found himself saying, when he’d finished his bite. Kaidan raised his brows at him. Joshua wondered why he’d said Kaidan’s name. “No, nothing, forget about it…” Joshua frowned looking back at the TV again.

“You okay?” Kaidan asked, concern clear in his tone as his fingers found his hair again.

“Yeah.” He felt frustrated for no reason. He wanted something and he couldn’t quite put his finger on it, no point in bothering Kaidan with something he couldn’t put into words yet.

They sat on the couch for a while, Kaidan slowly feeding him pieces of his sandwiches and watching, but not really watching, movies. Kaidan running his fingers absentmindedly through his hair, around his hairline, sometimes down his neck. Joshua just wanted to keep him there, touching him.

Finally, when the sandwiches had run out, and Joshua wasn’t sure how many movies they’d seen and it was starting to get dark, he moved the plate back onto the table, sat up, and climbed on top of Kaidan’s lap.

Kaidan looked a bit surprised to see him there, raising his brows at him as he pressed their foreheads together.

“Hi,” Joshua said softly, kissing Kaidan shortly on the lips.

“Hey there, can I help you?” Kaidan asked.

Joshua thought about it, frowning a bit, and then nodded slowly. “Yeah…I think so.” Kaidan looked concerned for a moment at Joshua’s uncertain tone, until Joshua leaned in and kissed him for real.

He felt heat when Kaidan’s hands settled on his waist as he pressed their lips together, licking gently at Kaidan’s lips and feeling how his breath caught slightly in his chest as he did so. His hand slipped under Kaidan’s shirt, feeling his muscles under his hand.

“Joshua,” Kaidan breathed against his lips, his tone warning. “I know you’re stressed but…”

“Kaidan,” he gasped, grinding his hips down slightly against Kaidan’s.

One of Kaidan’s hands tensed on his hip, the other taking hold of his chin and forcing him to make eye contact with him. “Joshua,” he said, his voice dead serious. “If you don’t stop… I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t know if I can stop if you keep…”

“It’s been almost a year since I felt you inside me Kaidan…and then…I was so preoccupied, so tired…I don’t…” He ran his fingers up the back of Kaidan’s hair, bumping their heads together and then leaning in to kiss him insistently again. “Please.”

He rolled his hips again slightly, and Kaidan moaned. Seemingly giving in until he muttered, “Your hip…”

“Kaidan I want you so badly…” he gasped, nibbling on Kaidan’s bottom lip and then looking up at him.

“I…” Kaidan looked at him meaningfully for a moment, and then sighed softly. “I’ll think of something, but we don’t even have lube. I didn’t think we’d need it and…I really don’t want to hurt you.”

“Could you get some?” Joshua asked, shifting slightly on Kaidan’s lap. It was a bit of a mood ruiner, but he could wait.

There was a pause, where Kaidan looked like he was really thinking about it, and then he nodded slowly. “You know, that’s probably a good idea. It’ll give _you_ some time to decide whether you’re really okay with this.”

“If I say I am then…”

“I don’t want to do _anything_ that you may not feel comfortable doing. So you go lie in bed for the next…fifteen minutes. _Think_ , figure out how you feel comfortable lying, and I’ll be back. Okay?” Kaidan’s hands settled on his hips again, one rubbing circles on his bad hip gently. “Okay?” he repeated softly.

“Okay.” He nodded slowly, feeling a bit disappointed that Kaidan wasn’t taking his word for it, but understanding why he may feel uncertain. They’d only done this a handful of times, and the last time they’d gotten anywhere near it he _had_ been the one to call it off. He knew that well enough.

So he climbed off of Kaidan’s lap, smirking down at the interest shown by the slight tent in his pants, and then wandered off to their bedroom. As he came to the door Kaidan came up just behind him, letting him know he’d done so by placing a gently hand on his shoulder before urging him to turn around.

“I’ll be back, okay?” he asked gently, kissing Joshua gently and smiling at him affectionately as he pulled away. “I love you.”

Joshua smiled back at him, wanting to just pull him into the bedroom and do whatever, screw no lube, but that was a bad idea he _knew_ it was a bad idea. “Okay. I love you too,” he told him instead, turning to go into their room and listening as the front door opened and closed.

He stripped off his jeans, lying on his back on the bed and frowning slightly. He couldn’t really figure it out himself, why he felt like this was a good idea _now_. He should be feeling shame for wanting to do it, his memories about the Citadel had come back, he knew what terrible things he’d done. He should, now more than ever, just want to stop and do nothing.

But before…it was more like he just hadn’t felt _safe_. He’d felt exposed and vulnerable and he’d felt like his life was spinning out of control. It certainly wasn’t that much better now, but he could definitely trust Kaidan. And, the apartment felt like theirs, it felt like a safe place to him.

He’d been feeling so off balance, so scared of everything. He didn’t feel ‘better’, but he felt…definitely less scared. Kaidan wasn’t going to turn into a nightmare and try to kill him. Being boxed in by Kaidan, at least, wasn’t so dangerous a thing. He still didn’t like the idea of it, but he would be okay.

For a few minutes he just lay there, thinking like Kaidan had told him to, and then he thought about how Kaidan should find him when he got back. He stole one of Kaidan’s pillows, slipping it under his hips to relieve a bit of stress off of them. He still wasn’t sure what the best position would be, but he wasn’t really concerned with his hip even if it was still aching. He’d definitely persevered through way worse.

He decided that he wanted Kaidan to come home to something good, so when the door to the bedroom finally opened a few minutes later it was to Joshua with his hand wrapped around his cock, and a finger probing into his ass.

“Shit…” Kaidan muttered as he entered.

“H-Hey…” Joshua gasped softly.

Kaidan knelt on the bed, dropping his bag at Joshua’s side and climbing up his body. “Hey,” he muttered back, voice husky. “I suppose this means…you’re okay with this?”

“Mm…Yeah. Probably.”

“Probably’s not good enough Joshua,” Kaidan warned him softly, even as his hand snaked around his cock and began stroking in time with him.

“Definitely,” he amended, moaning softly. “I...I trust you…so…” He hadn’t felt anything touch him in so long, he was surprised how much his body ached for the touch. He liked feeling Kaidan’s hand around him, he abandoned his own actions to just feel Kaidan stroking him, slow and almost tentative.

“Alright, but you have to tell me if I start hurting you, or anything like that…” Kaidan told him gently, sitting back and looking at him.

“Ah…wait a second,” Joshua protested softly, covering his stomach with his arm. “Maybe I should…move onto my front.”

“Why?” Kaidan asked, leaning forward again and this time abandoning his stroking so he could rest on his arm by Joshua’s ear. He felt boxed in for a moment, but noticed that Kaidan’s other arm was resting on his chest, and he could escape If he needed to.

“Because…” Because his stomach was scarred beyond belief and while he knew that Kaidan had no trouble looking at it, there was no way he’d find it sexually attractive. The scarring on his shoulder couldn’t be very attractive either. He thought back to the look of shock on the shop worker’s face when she’d seen his chest a few weeks back.

“You’ve been shirtless all day, and you’ve had no problem,” Kaidan told him, catching on to the issue quickly. “But, if it makes you comfortable, we can do whatever you want.”

Joshua smiled, looking up at Kaidan and running his hand down his face. “I just…want you to make love to me, like the night before we attacked Cerberus, when everything was okay for a few hours, ‘cause you were there.”

Kaidan’s breath hitched. “How can I refuse when you ask me like that?” Kaidan leaned forward and kissed him gently. “Give me a minute love, and I’ll do everything in my power to give you everything you want.”

Joshua watched as Kaidan sat up, standing up from the bed and tugging his shirt over his head. He paid no mind to how Joshua’s gaze ran over his stomach and the muscles still tight under the skin there, and watched hungrily as he unbuttoned and shed his jeans.

“Kaidan…” Joshua called softly, as he sat up as Kaidan pulled his acquired lube from the bag on the bed.

“Yeah?” Kaidan asked, looking up at him affectionately. Joshua felt his heart squeeze a bit. “You know, I don’t think I’ve seen you look at me like that in a long time…” Kaidan reached over with his free hand, thumbing at his cheek. “Like you’re actually attracted to me.”

“I’m always attracted to you!” Joshua protested, shuffling to the edge of the bed and kissing Kaidan’s stomach gently. He felt the muscles there contract, heard Kaidan’s sharp intake of breath, and felt pleasure coil in his belly.

“I know, I know, there was just always…something else going on in your eyes before. Right now, I feel like you’re mine.” Kaidan replied, fingers working up through the back of his hair as he spoke.

“Silly Kaidan…I was always yours,” Joshua muttered, kissing Kaidan’s stomach again and noting that, despite his concerns, Kaidan was definitely interested even having seen the mess that was his stomach.

Kaidan chuckled softly, shaking his head affectionately and then gently pulling away from him so that he could put the bag onto the floor and move to sit at the top of the bed, his back against the headboard. Joshua watched him, slowly moving along with him and sitting on his thighs.

Kaidan quickly took his cock in hand, stroking him slowly and deliberately. Joshua moaned softly, his head dropping back slightly as he bucking his hips even though the movement ached a bit.

“God you’re gorgeous…” Kaidan muttered, watching closely as Joshua moaned in response. “Don’t move your hips if it hurts.”

“But Kaidan…I can’t help it, _you’re_ touching me,” Joshua replied, working his hips slightly despite the ache.

“Come here.” Kaidan urged him forward, one hand on his hip as he tugged him gently.

Joshua went, inching forward as Kaidan urged him, until he was pressed up against him, feeling their cocks coming into contact and groaning softly. He dropped his forehead to Kaidan’s shoulder. “Kaidan…” he gasped. This time he felt Kaidan work his hips up under him, and felt them brush together again.

“I love seeing you like this,” Kaidan chuckled, shifting around for a moment as Joshua breathed into his shoulder. “It’s been too long…”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t,” Kaidan scolded. “I made you wait _three_ _years_.”

Joshua rolled their hips together again, groaning softly and feeling a moment of triumph when he heard Kaidan moan softly. His hip was aching, but it was worth it, just to hear the sounds which Kaidan made as he moved against him.

Then he felt a well lubed finger probing against his entrance, and gasped softly. “Ah…Kaidan…please.”

Kaidan chuckled. “Can’t say no to that,” he replied, pressing his finger inside as Joshua shifted slightly to make the taking easier. “Try to stay still,” Kaidan instructed softly as he worked his finger in and out. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You aren’t…It hurts anyways,” Joshua muttered. It was true, everything had been aching regardless of how he shifted since having to stand for so long in a rigid pose the day before. Not being able to go to the hospital before that to have proper physio sessions hadn’t helped either. He would have denied that they had been doing him any good beforehand.

“I’m adding another,” Kaidan told him.

“You don’t have to tell me…mm yes…” He arched his back slightly as he felt the second finger breach his ring of muscle. He rested his hands on Kaidan’s chest and stomach, the thumb on his stomach working a nipple as Kaidan’s fingers worked in and out of him. Hearing Kaidan hum in response made him shiver slightly, enjoying how Kaidan’s stomach muscles tensed against his other hand.

When Kaidan’s other hand wrapped around both of their cocks Joshua moaned, bucking his hips up into Kaidan’s hand.

“I don’t think I can enter you today love, I don’t want to hurt your hip, really.” Kaidan explained softly, slipping down from the headboard a bit so that Joshua could learn farther forward against him and take his fingers better.

“Kaidan…” he whined. Kaidan’s hands were working in tandem, one working his fingers farther inside of him while the other held tightly and stroked them both.

“I’m sorry, once you’re feeling better I’ll make love to you as many times as you want, I promise.” Kaidan’s voice was getting slightly airy, his breath coming quicker.

Joshua finally managed to lift his head so that he could kiss Kaidan sloppily on the lips. Kaidan moaned softly into his mouth as their tongues slid together.

“Okay,” he gasped, giving in finally when he pulled away. “But cum with me? Please?”

“Uh…I wouldn’t dream of anything else Joshua…” Kaidan replied, bucking his hips up into his hand. Joshua groaned at the friction, raising one hand to hold Kaidan’s face as he kissed him, and then trailed kisses down his jaw line and neck. “H…have I found it yet?” Kaidan asked, probably referring to his questing and pressing fingers.

“No, but…s’good. Don’t…mm…Don’t worry.” Joshua couldn’t figure out why Kaidan was asking him questions, his brain wasn’t working. And then Kaidan scissored his fingers slightly and Joshua couldn’t do anything other than moan, bucking up into Kaidan’s still moving hand.

“Like that?” Kaidan asked.

It took a moment for Joshua to reply. “Ah-huh…make me cum?”

“Anything you want Joshua,” Kaidan replied, tightening his grip on their cocks and increasing his pace, while working his fingers with more precise movements than before.

Joshua couldn’t help moving his hips, making soft ‘ah’ sounds as Kaidan thoroughly worked both of them over. He moved to kiss him again, seeing his pupils blown wide and feeling their raged breaths mix as they moved together.

“Ah…Kaidan…mm…”

“Cum for me love…” Kaidan ordered him softly.

He moaned softly as he dropped his head to Kaidan’s shoulder. He worked his hips into Kaidan’s hand and then cried out sharply as he felt Kaidan finally hit that spot inside him at the last second. He felt himself spill into Kaidan’s hand, his legs shaking slightly as Kaidan moaned out his name and then came as well.

Kaidan, somehow still possessing his brain, quickly withdrew his fingers and wrapped an arm around his hips to help support him as he went completely limp.

He managed to snuggle into the crook of Kaidan’s neck before he promptly fell asleep.

When he woke up again it was completely dark, and Kaidan had laid down at some point with him on top of him and managed to get the blanket over them both. He lifted his head a little bit and Kaidan’s hand rubbed over his back.

“Morning love,” Kaidan muttered, Joshua could feel his voice in his chest.

“Nuh…it’s dark,” Joshua corrected him. Kaidan chuckled. “Did I really fall asleep with all of _that_ stuck between us? Isn’t it gross?”

“I managed to get most of it cleaned up, it’s okay.”

Joshua groaned, shifting slightly to accommodate his aching hip and then snuggling back down into Kaidan’s shoulder. “There’s no way you’ve been sleeping with me on top of you.”

“Mostly I’ve been watching you.”

“You’ve been watching me sleep for the past ten months and some…not bored yet?” He couldn’t manage to be bothered to lift his head to have the conversation face to face, instead enjoying the safety and warmth of having Kaidan’s arms around him and closing his eyes again.

“I’ll never get bored Joshua,” Kaidan told him softly.

“Mm. Me either.” They fell silent for a few more minutes, Joshua wondering if he should roll off of Kaidan and try for both of them to get some sleep, but he felt Kaidan’s stomach rumble slightly against his and lifted his head to look at Kaidan with a grin. “I could watch you cook dinner.”

Kaidan snorted. “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.”

Somehow they both got up, untangling from each other and taking a quick shower before they ended up in the kitchen again. Neither of them could be bothered to put on clothing, and Joshua found himself snuggled up against Kaidan’s back again as he reheated spaghetti from a few nights earlier.

“Thank you for not letting me turn into a vegetable today,” he muttered, placing a kiss between Kaidan’s shoulder blades.

“Anytime Joshua…I love you.”

“I love you too…do you think that, over dinner, we could…look at places we could live in Vancouver?”

Kaidan turned around and Joshua looked up at him with slight surprise, unsure whether he’d said something bad or not. But Kaidan was smiling, his arms going tightly around his waist.

“Yeah. Absolutely.”

They looked at each other affectionately for a moment, and then Joshua smirked. “How do you think the Alliance would feel if they knew we just had sex in the apartment they lent us?”

“After yesterday, I hope they find out and are absolutely appalled by it,” Kaidan told him, leaning in to kiss him gently. “I can’t wait to have somewhere that’s ours…have any ideas?”

“Mm, a few…yeah.” He’d spent a little bit of time looking, and spoken to Shaek about it during a few of their more private sessions.

He snuggled back down into Kaidan’s chest, and they stood in the kitchen embracing in silence until their dinner was ready. Joshua feeling much better for having spent the entire day almost continuously enveloped in his lover’s embrace.


	29. Return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay. My grandfather passed away, my grandmother is about to pass away, I had exams etc etc etc excuses.
> 
> This is the second to last chapter. I didn't read over it because...let's face it I never read over it.

And so followed two weeks of sorting, deciding whether he was going to continue going to the same hospital, and figuring out how to get him to and from said hospital with people having figured out where he lived and where the hospital was and putting two and two together.

The first day he’d gone back to the hospital there had been a rather large crowd outside, a crowd which Miranda had said had been there for several days with hope that he’d show up. He had to wonder why they weren’t focusing on rebuilding their homes, and were instead spending their time trying to spot him in the sky.

Joshua was lying on his side in the couch in his and Kaidan’s living room after a rather exhausting session with Shaek. Most of them were exhausting, they were still working through things that he would have rather left in the past. They’d started going into great detail on how he felt about what had happened to Anderson, and while he’d been skirting the truth a bit, the core of the issue was still exhausting. He also had a feeling that Shaek didn’t believe him when he said that he had just pushed a button to fire the weapon after it all, but the truth was unbelievable.

So now he was exhausted. He didn’t think he’d cried so much in his entire life, he’d never felt like he was safe or allowed to beforehand and now it was like some sort of god awful torrent. At least with Shaek it never left the room, and the man didn’t try to touch him or talk to him, he just listened and let him ramble or not.

He was really tired afterward though, usually he didn’t remember much of the trip home. Today was one of those days, and having to dodge into the apartment because there were people hanging around outside the building as well had just added to his exhaustion.

He heard Kaidan approaching before he saw him, mostly because his eyes were closed. It was nice being able to know that it was Kaidan, and trust that he would be safe even if he didn’t open his eyes. Kaidan still set a hand on his hip gently before sitting on the couch in the triangle of space that his legs and chest made. He heard a mug of something set on the coffee table, and cracked his eyes open to see Kaidan looking down at him affectionately.

“’m not sleeping,” he told him tiredly. He was only almost sleeping.

Kaidan settled his hand on his stomach, his fingers tickling up under his shirt. He didn’t know why Kaidan liked touching his stomach, it felt weird having anyone touching the scar and he couldn’t imagine that the scar felt too nice to touch either.

“I know. How are you feeling?” Kaidan asked him, and he responded by placing a hand over Kaidan’s hand through his shirt.

“You know how it feels when…when you just got off of the battle field, and you got yourself in a bad position and got beat up by a brute or a krogan or something?”

Kaidan frowned at him for a moment, and then nodded. “Yeah, it happened…a few times.”

“Even after the medigel is applied, and Chakwas sends you off saying you’re all patched up, your whole body still aches like it’s one giant bruise for a few hours while the medigel gets to the deeper wounds?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s how my brain feels after every session with Shaek.”

Kaidan’s expression was slightly guarded, as his fingers massaged over the scar on his stomach. Joshua wondered why, until Kaidan said, “That’s the first time you’ve brought up anything even remotely…” and then he stopped, like he was searching for a word which wouldn’t upset him. He noticed that he did it sometimes, and he still hadn’t decided whether it upset him or he appreciated the consideration. There were also the times he just went ahead and said the first thing on his mind, those usually didn’t end up that great.

Instead of actually coming up with a word Kaidan just leaned forward, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. Joshua turned his head into it, running the fingers of his free hand through the back of Kaidan’s hair.

“I love you,” he breathed when Kaidan broke the kiss. He wrapped his arms around Kaidan’s shoulders and tugged him closer.

“I love you too,” Kaidan replied. After a few moments, with their heads pressed together and Kaidan bearing the obviously uncomfortable position for the sake of the proximity, Kaidan sat up straight again, and picked up the mug of something from the table.

Joshua sat up a bit, accepting the mug which, was full of hot chocolate, and then going to sip it. He paused with the cup halfway to his mouth though. “Where’s yours?”

Kaidan’s lips quirked up at one side and Joshua felt his heart twist with affection. “I didn’t make one for me.”

“I refuse to drink this until you have one too,” Joshua told him contrarily. Kaidan snickered, patting his hip gently and then getting up without an argument and heading to the kitchen.

Joshua sat up, swinging his legs over the edge of the couch and setting his mug on the table before he leaned back into the couch.

“So,” Kaidan started as he emerged from the kitchen with his own mug a few minutes later. “Does that mean Dr. Shaek is like medigel?”

“Brain medigel,” he agreed, nodding.

Kaidan sat down beside him, resting their shoulders together and then letting his head fall against his shoulder. Joshua picked up his mug and rested his head over Kaidan’s. They sat quietly for a moment, before Joshua lifted his head to take a sip of the hot chocolate he’d been given. Somehow Kaidan always got it right.

“So that’s how you’ve been feeling all this time?” Kaidan asked, not lifting his head. “Like you got beat up by a brute?”

“Like my brain did anyway,” he told him, sipping the hot chocolate again and reaching with his free hand to take hold of Kaidan’s. “But I’m sorry…”

“Sorry for?”

“Making you live through me…going through all of this and making thoughtless comments. I _don’t_ want to die. I don’t…I don’t think that I _should_ have died.” He felt Kaidan tense beside him, but he didn’t say anything so he continued, “Even the idea of being without you in death is unbearable. I was just thinking about myself, all this time. I don’t want to do anything that would hurt you or cause you pain, and I’m sorry that I have. EDI was right, I kept saying that I was willing to do anything to defeat the Reapers and I ended up…trampling all over you in the process. I’m sorry that I was prepared to leave you behind.” He squeezed Kaidan’s hand, and Kaidan squeezed back just a bit. “I’m not now. I need you. I…I love you so much. I’ll never leave you alone again, I won’t choose anything else over you.”

He found himself wanting to tell Kaidan that he wouldn’t even be there without him, that he wouldn’t have had the will to fight to stay alive, but he didn’t want to say too much. He felt like he’d already said too much, with the way that Kaidan was completely silent and still beside him.

He didn’t know if he should apologise for apologising, he sort of wanted to, but he wasn’t actually sorry for being sorry, he was sorry for being sorry in such a way that it had distressed Kaidan…

What a mess.

After another moment of tense silence, Kaidan shifted slightly. “I—“

Kaidan’s omnitool started beeping, interrupting whatever he’d been about to say. Joshua frowned as Kaidan set the mug he’d been holding on the table and stood up, fishing his omnitool out of his pocket and looking at the incoming caller. Joshua watched him as he threw him an uncertain look, smiled anxiously, and then wandered out of the room and into the bedroom.

Joshua watched after him, feeling nerves tangling in the pit of his stomach. Why would he wander off suddenly like that?

For a moment he just stared after him, frowning confusedly, and then he sighed, put the mug he’d been holding on the table beside Kaidan’s and lay back down on the couch. He stared up at the ceiling, listening to the sound of Kaidan talking in the next room. He couldn’t make out words, just listened to the sound of his voice. He didn’t sound upset with whomever he was talking to, in fact he sounded rather pleased.

Joshua sighed again, covering his face with his hand and closing his eyes for a few minutes.

He must have fallen asleep, because when Kaidan came back into the room he startled awake to the sound of him saying, “I have some good news.” He’d probably said it in a really pleasant tone of voice, but Joshua’s heart was thundering in his chest and he had sat up, planted one foot firmly on the floor and under him so he could maneuver if he needed, with his arms in a defensive position in front of him before he could even register that it was Kaidan who was talking.

“Shit, sorry love, it’s me,” Kaidan said softly, urging Joshua to drop his arms just a bit. He could hear his blood rushing in his ears. “I’m so sorry,” Kaidan cooed softly, kneeling on the couch in front of him and running a hand over his arm.

Joshua laughed nervously. “I-I thought I was going to die…” He couldn’t tell if he had laughed because he was _so_ scared and his stomach was hurting and his chest was heaving, or because he thought it was _stupid_ that his body had reacted like that.

“I know, it’s okay,” Kaidan replied softly as he let his hands fall to his lap. Kaidan looked genuinely apologetic, and Joshua sighed. He wrapped his arms around Kaidan’s shoulders and tugged him into a tight hug. “Shouldn’t I be the one holding you?” Kaidan asked, sounding mildly amused as he looked up at him from his chest.

“No,” Joshua replied, working his leg out from under himself and lying on the couch again. He pulled Kaidan with him, looking down at him. “You’re solid and I want you.”

Kaidan smiled, really smiled, affectionately, and kissed his sternum gently through his shirt. “I really didn’t mean to startle you.”

“I really didn’t mean to be startled,” Joshua retorted. Kaidan snorted. His stomach was still twisting, and his heart was still thudding uncomfortably, but _he_ knew he was okay, _he_ knew that Kaidan wouldn’t hurt him even if his body didn’t.

“I missed you,” Kaidan muttered after a moment, his fingers rubbing into his left pectoral muscle like he was trying to calm his racing heart with them.

“Hmm?” Joshua inquired softly, but was pretty sure he knew exactly what Kaidan was talking about. He didn’t really expect an answer, when it didn’t come he wasn’t surprised.

“I have good news,” Kaidan repeated, reminding Joshua that he’d said it in the first place.

“Has the Alliance decided to take responsibility for not coming up with a ‘do not ask’ list at the conference?” That part, at least, he’d been able to convince himself, was the Alliance’s fault. Every person he’d spoken to had said that they’d seriously dropped the ball on that one, and part of him had to agree. If they’d marched Kaidan up on stage after Virmire and had the press ask him questions about leaving Ashley behind he would have gone for blood. Shaek had given him that scenario, and he was right.

Kaidan snorted. His distaste for the whole event had been obvious from the beginning and even a few weeks afterward he was still fired up over it. Joshua was still surprised he was able to stay mad at the Alliance, or be mad at them at all.

“No such luck but, Liara’s coming back.” Kaidan didn’t lift his head from his chest as he spoke, and Joshua’s hand started running up and down his back.

The statement made him nervous. It meant one of two things, either Javik was dead and she was coming back, or Javik was alive…and _they_ were coming back. It wouldn’t be good news if Javik wasn’t alive…right?

“Could you finish that line of thought?”

Kaidan turned his head, resting his chin on his chest and grinning at him. “Well, she located a certain prothean.”

For a moment Joshua just looked at him, trying really hard to contain his relief, his happiness, his almost tears of both. Then he squeezed Kaidan tightly, and grinned back at him. “Which certain prothean?”

Somehow Kaidan’s grin grew. “I don’t know, I think she said it was Vigil or something.”

“I like Vigil,” Joshua replied.

His next words were drowned out by Kaidan placing his hands flat on his chest and using them for leverage so he could stretch up and kiss him heatedly. He could still feel the spot where Kaidan’s chin had been on his chest a moment before, at the same time as he could feel their lips pressed together and Kaidan’s fingers on his chest.

Kaidan kissed him until his lungs started hurting for a real breath, and when he broke the kiss he stared at him half lidded from mere centimetres away. “I love you, I love you so much.”

“Yeah…” he breathed, his brain still not quite providing him with the right words. He’d changed his hold on Kaidan at some point, his fingers running up through his hair and slinging one of his legs over Kaidan’s as if trying to keep him there.

Kaidan kissed him again. He felt so warm. He couldn’t coax proper thoughts to his mind or his mouth, or anywhere. Kaidan was warm, that was as far as he was getting. He at least _hoped_ he was kissing him back with as much enthusiasm, as Kaidan’s fingers slid under his shirt.

The next time Kaidan pulled away from him his shirt was halfway up his chest, and Kaidan’s knee was between his legs. He panted softly, moaning softly at the way Kaidan’s fingers ran down his side.

“So,” he started, trying very hard to keep his brain and his mouth connected. “Javik’s alive.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan replied breathlessly. A few pieces of his hair had fallen into his face, curling slightly at his temples and over his forehead.

“That’s really good.” It was more than good, it was great, but he was so caught up in Kaidan that he couldn’t seem to afford the brain power to think of anyone else. “Are you going to fuck me?”

Kaidan, whose eyes widened momentarily from the sudden change in change of subject, smirked at him hotly. “Oh hell yes,” he replied huskily, leaning in to kiss him again.

-o-

“You were quite ecstatic about this prothean being alive the last time I saw you,” Shaek reminded him softly after he’d explained his concern over Javik returning.

He shook his head, assuming Shaek had misunderstood. Perhaps his translator had misinterpreted what he’d said or something. He pressed his lips together and stared out the window blankly for a moment, gathering his thoughts before he looked back at Shaek who was waiting calmly for an answer.

“He reads _everything_. One time I walked into his hovel on the Normandy and he told me he could _smell_ Kaidan on me.” He felt his cheeks colour involuntarily from the memory, and rubbed at one as he turned the other away from Shaek, maybe he wouldn’t notice. There was something invasive, yet wonderful, about knowing that Kaidan had been in his very skin even then.

“And that is a problem,” Shaek stated, it wasn’t a question but it was, a toneless request for elaboration. And he complied, because he did every time.

“He’ll give me one look and he’ll know. He’ll know that I’m…I’m broken like this, he’ll think I’m useless or that I’m weak or that I failed…and he’ll tell me too.”

“I have told you before that ‘broken’ is the wrong word to use, Mr. Shepard,” Shaek scolded. “And, if I am not mistaken, Reapers are not currently controlling and killing the population of the galaxy, so how is it that you failed?”

The moments when Shaek got really stern with him usually surprised him, because generally he was quite the laid back person with little sign that he was actually affected by anything. He generally took offense to Joshua speaking ill of himself though, and Joshua had seen this one coming from a mile away.

He shifted back on the couch, turning so that he was sideways with his back against the armrest and tugging his knees up to his chest. He sighed, resting his head on his knees.

“It’s not the _same_ Shaek.”

“Explain.”

“He’s not…he’s…” Joshua pressed his lips together, knowing he was about to say something which was incredibly racist, culturally insensitive and possibly rude. He hesitated, waiting to see if Shaek would back down, but when he raised his head to see Shaek still watching him with that look on his face that said he wanted information he knew he couldn’t. He dropped his forehead to his knees again. “He’s not like…normal people,” he muttered, feeling his cheeks colour again. “He lived in a different world, a different galaxy. Where he comes from you are what you are until you die. He’s a soldier, he told me that his one mission in life was to defeat the Reapers, he told me that my one mission in life was to defeat the Reapers.”

He felt awful for saying it, he didn’t really think that Javik wasn’t a person or that he was weird or anything like that, he just knew that Javik saw things differently than most. He had a harsh outlook on everything, he was the galaxy’s harshest critic, but he had good reason for all of it. He knew that if Javik saw him like he was, curled up on a couch talking to a doctor because his _brain was broken_ , that he’d judge him for it, and think he’d lost somehow.

“But if that’s the case, didn’t you complete your one mission? Didn’t he?”

His bottom lip twitched slightly, like it wanted to start trembling, he caught it between his teeth for a moment, before sighing and looked up at Shaek again. “And? I’m still a soldier, I’m still _supposed to be_ a soldier, and I can’t be that anymore. It’ll still be a failure in his eyes.”

Shaek’s lips curved up one side, his head tilting slightly in the same direction. “Have you ever heard of ‘projecting’, Mr. Shepard?”

Joshua frowned, and opened his mouth to retort, but there was a knock on the door. Shaek unlocked it and the door opened to reveal Kaidan, who looked at him sheepishly.

“Sorry for the interruption, just, they’re here,” he said, glancing at Joshua affectionately.

“Of course,” Shaek nodded. “I was aware that they would be arriving sometime today.”

Joshua felt his stomach flip. He’d woken up a few days ago to the awful realisation that Javik was probably going to be extremely displeased with him, beyond the fact that he’d sent Liara off on a fetch and return journey to prevent him from his final destination. He expected he was about to come face to face with the worst of his fears regarding his current condition.

When he didn’t move from the couch Kaidan’s look of affection and slight uncertainty at having interrupted turned into one of concern. “You okay?” he asked, still standing awkwardly in the doorway.

“Come in Mr. Alenko,” Shaek instructed softly. Joshua was pretty sure that Kaidan’s feet moved before his brain had processed the request, he often did the same thing when Shaek told him what to do.

Joshua sighed, turning again so he could drape his legs over the side of the couch as Kaidan came to a stop in front of him. He felt Kaidan’s finger press up under his chin, urging him to look up at him. He did, sighing softly as he did so.

“Not okay then,” Kaidan concluded softly.

“How about we go home, and we wait a while, and I write a script so I can figure out what I’m supposed to say here?” Joshua asked, hoping the look on his face wasn’t as desperate as his tone was.

Kaidan shook his head, switching from holding his chin to brushing his fingers down his cheek. “Liara wants to see you.”

“How d’you know?” Joshua asked, frowning at him defiantly.

“Because she sent me a communication ten minutes ago which said ‘I really want to see Shepard’.”

“Oh… Well… If that’s all.” Joshua turned away from Kaidan’s gentle fingers to stare at the door for a moment. Kaidan probably wondered why his enthusiasm over the whole thing had done a 180 all of a sudden, but he didn’t ask.

“Come on love, I’ll hold your hand,” Kaidan offered. Joshua wondered if that wouldn’t make the situation worse, but he didn’t want to turn Kaidan away either.

With another deep sigh he pushed himself to his feet, immediately coming in contact with Kaidan who was standing so close to him. He wrapped his arms around him tightly, and felt Kaidan’s arms go around his waist in reply. He looked over Kaidan’s shoulder to see that Shaek was paying absolutely no attention to either of them, instead writing something on his notes.

Part of him wanted to tell Kaidan that he wasn’t a little kid going to kindergarten for the first time, that he didn’t need his mother to hold his hand all the way into the class where the rambunctious play of the already acclimatised children made him cry, but part of him wanted to hold until Kaidan until the chewing sensation in the pit of his stomach went away. He wasn’t in kindergarten, he wasn’t going to hide away in the coat room for a first half hour of class, he just wanted something solid to hold on to. Kaidan had been solid for this entire ordeal.

“Kay,” he muttered finally, taking a half step back as Kaidan took a full one. Kaidan’s hand caught his on its way down from his shoulder.

“Sorry for the intrusion Dr. Shaek,” Kaidan said personably as they turned towards the door.

“Oh not at all Mr. Alenko,” Shaek replied, only glancing up from his notes momentarily. “Please, go see your friends.”

The word ‘friends’ struck Joshua a bit as they left the room and headed down the hall.

“Was Javik a friend?” he asked uncertainly.

Kaidan frowned beside him. “I don’t know. He wasn’t exactly friendly, but he definitely had our backs just as much as any other squad member did.”

“Yeah, but wasn’t that more out of a sense to duty?”

“You don’t think that he thought that he and you could take down the Reapers alone? I get the feeling that if it had been just you, Joker to fly the ship, and him left over he wouldn’t have seen much issue with it,” Kaidan tried to explain, a slight frown still on his face as he spoke.

“So that means he wasn’t really a friend, right?”

“No that means that he didn’t have to work as hard to keep all of us alive as he did,” Kaidan told him.

Joshua sighed, squeezing Kaidan’s hand tightly in his. Kaidan squeezed back with just as much strength, and paused in front of Miranda’s office. He turned to him, glancing at the door for a moment before Kaidan’s hands fell on his shoulders gently.

“Tell me what’s bothering you.” Kaidan’s tone was strict, but he knew if he denied him that he wouldn’t press the matter.

“I think that Javik’s going to hate me, or at least think that I’m some…weak pitiful thing.”

Kaidan smiled sadly at him, his lips curving up at one side. “I don’t think that’s the case Joshua. Remember, you helped him defeat the enemy he thought he’d never see defeated. You.” Kaidan gave his shoulders a little shake as he said ‘you’.

Joshua sighed. “Yeah, okay.”

There was a moment of hesitation, where he considered not opening the door and just turning down the hall, going to their sky-car and going home. He could have done it, even if it upset Kaidan he still would have let him do it if he really needed to, but he thought of Liara and Javik. At least Liara definitely wanted to see him, Javik probably wanted to see him to some extent as well.

So he opened the door.

Liara and Javik’s backs were to them as they entered the office, apparently in a conversation with Miranda. Liara was the first to turn around, her face immediately lighting up and her eyes immediately filling with tears. As they stepped further into the room she ran up and wrapped her arms tightly around Kaidan first.

“It is so wonderful to see you both!” she exclaimed, her voice cracking slightly with the weight of her tears.

Javik turned around slowly, lazily almost, like he didn’t want to commit to the fact that he was here to see _anyone._ He was here because he wanted to be, and for no other reason. His gaze set on Joshua immediately.

Joshua pressed his lips together, automatically squaring his shoulders, his stance, as Kaidan’s hand left his so he could return Liara’s hug. Javik took the three steps that were required to come within arm’s reach of him.

“Commander,” he said cordially, extending a hand.

Joshua nodded, trying to stay neutral, trying to stay normal, ignoring the pitch of anxiety which the name ‘commander’ gave him, ignoring how he immediately thought he wasn’t, would never be again, any sort of commander, that he wasn’t worth the title. He looked briefly down at Javik’s hand and almost reached to take it, but then he remembered that touching Javik would tell him _everything_.

He took a sharp breath, and then was suddenly occupied by Liara stepping between Javik and him and wrapping her arms around his middle tightly.

“I am so sorry that I wasn’t here,” she muttered softly, pressing wet eyes to his shirt for a moment before pulling away far enough that she could see his face.

Javik looked over her shoulder, seemingly unaffected by the interruption. Joshua watched as Kaidan got his attention and took him back to Miranda’s desk, he wasn’t disappointed that he had been taken away, even though he couldn’t hear what they were saying.

“Don’t worry about it Liara,” he told her, returning to the handful of blue currently shedding tears onto his shirt. She cupped his cheek, as he took a step back to try and distance himself from her a bit. All the touchy-feely stuff made him uncomfortable.

“Are you okay? Did you get all of the medical attention you needed? How is Shaek? He tells me you get along with him, do you? Has the Alliance brass apologised for what happened?” The sudden wave of questions was surprising, usually Liara was so calm and collected. She would ask him a question at a time, casually slipping them into conversation so he wouldn’t notice that she had so many.

Just as with Tali, he didn’t realise that the last time she’d seen him he’d been in critical condition.

“How many of those questions do I have to answer?” he asked, trying to sound light hearted as Liara looked up at him.

“I’m sorry,” Liara said softly, taking a step back from him and holding her hands over her lap. “I didn’t realise that I was overwhelming you.” She looked genuinely sorry, as if she’d actually done something wrong.

Joshua shook his head, running a hand up the back of his hair. “No, don’t worry about it, I…” He saw Kaidan move to shake Javik’s hand. It took him only a split second to realise that Javik would see all of what had been going on, just from Kaidan’s point of view. He tensed. “Wait-“ He side stepped Liara, completely forgetting he’d been talking to her for a moment as Javik took Kaidan’s hand and shook.

He froze, pressing his lips together tightly and watching as Kaidan looked up at him a bit too late to realise he’d been talking to him.

“What’s wrong?” Kaidan asked, turning to him immediately and looking confused.

“Shepard, are you alright?” Liara asked, her tone concerned. Even Miranda stood up as Kaidan approached him and took hold of his arms.

“Are you alright?” Kaidan asked, echoing Liara.

He looked over Kaidan’s shoulder, watching as Javik looked up from his hand and made eye contact with him that was almost bored.

“Fine,” he muttered, ignoring the rolling in his stomach. He turned his attention back to his concerned lover, who didn’t believe him. He could see it on his face. He took a breath, ignored the way Liara and Miranda were watching them, and pressed his forehead to Kaidan’s gently. “It’s okay…don’t worry about it.”

He caught Javik moving out of the corner of his eye as Kaidan sighed softly, accepting his non-explanation at least temporarily. Liara looked so pleased which Joshua’s actions that he though she may start cheering.

“Command-…Shepard.” Joshua didn’t miss the switch. Javik came to a stop at a respectable distance away from them. Joshua took a step back from Kaidan and faced him, trying once again to affect a neutral expression, a neutral feeling, even though he knew that Javik could probably sense his feelings without his front. Javik held out his hand again.

Joshua swallowed thickly, knowing there was no point in putting it off if Javik already knew half of the story. He took Javik’s hand.

“Good to see you Javik.”

“It is good to see you as well Shepard.” He thought maybe Javik was smiling, which confused him. “Did you think that your plan to send Liara after me would not go unnoticed?”

Joshua couldn’t stop the way his lips curled up at the sides. “Well at the time it was more of an…idea than a plan…”

“Hmm. Yes, and we all know that your ideas never come to fruition.”

For a moment Joshua couldn’t tell it was sarcasm, until Javik’s gaze flashed between him and Kaidan.

“Javik.” Liara came up beside him, her tone slightly chiding as her hand settled on his arm. Joshua had to wonder why Javik wasn’t saying anything about what he’d just undoubtedly seen in their handshake. “We could…go out for dinner.”

“Asari, I am a prothean and he is Commander Shepard, we cannot just ‘go out for dinner’,” Javik told her, his tone suddenly going hard.

Liara’s eyes narrowed slightly, and Joshua saw the moment when “I’m the shadowbroker” mask slid on to her face. “You don’t think that I could find a place that would be safe enough for both of you?”

Javik scoffed. “Hardly. I was simply letting you know what you’re up against.”

“Give me two minutes,” Liara said, a smile settling on her face as she turned around and headed off to the back of the room to make a call.

“Was that flirting?” Miranda asked, rounding her desk and coming to a stop next to Kaidan, who was still watching Joshua rather closely.

“No,” Javik said flatly.

“Looked like flirting to me,” Joshua muttered, offering Kaidan a reassuring smile. He could practically see Kaidan fighting off the urge to sigh at him, instead he took hold of his hand and squeezed.

Javik crossed his arms. “I see you have stopped dancing around each other like awkward animals.”

He would know, Joshua thought. He’d touched both of them now he knew _everything_ , but he didn’t seem to want to say anything about it.

Joshua opened his mouth to retort with _something_ , but Liara came back, practically bouncing.

“I have a place for us to go,” she said calmly.

“Fast,” Kaidan commented.

“Of course,” Liara replied, smiling slyly at him.

“I would join you…” Miranda started, looking over at her desk.

“Please, join us. Your work will wait,” Liara asked.

Miranda sighed. “I may as well.”

As they started heading toward the door Javik gently pulled away from Liara and sidled up to Joshua as Miranda and Liara led the way out of the room.

“There is no shame in what you feel. You completed your mission. If you truly believe that no prothean ever experienced what you are experiencing, then you are mistaken.”

Everyone stopped and turned to Javik like he’d grown a second head, except Joshua who just looked at him confusedly.

“But…the weak...”

“You went up to the Citadel, I have felt the pain that you felt as you walked those halls, I have felt how you felt as you fought indoctrination, as you spoke to that AI, as you made your choice. That is not weak. You completed your mission successfully.”

“What…did he just say?” Kaidan asked, taking a step forward so he could look at Javik part Joshua, holding tightly onto his hand.

Joshua frowned, looking at the looks of confusion and shock on the other three’s faces and then back to Javik.

“Did you just say that in Prothean?”

“Hmm.” As Javik walked past him, back up to stand beside Liara and Miranda, Joshua felt a great deal of affection for the man in his chest. “You are still fighting a war Shepard, it is simply a different one.” Javik added, ignoring the continued looks of surprise from the others around them.

“You understood all of that?” Kaidan asked as they stepped into the hallway.

“Well…yeah,” Joshua told him, nodding slowly.

“What did he say?” Kaidan’s hand held his tightly, he almost seemed nervous that Javik had said something awful.

Joshua swallowed, trying to get around the overwhelming feeling he was having. There was something…good about thinking that Javik had seen all of it, it was invasive, but now he hadn’t done it alone, someone knew exactly what he’d gone through to get to where he was.

“It’s…not important.” It was so important that he couldn’t bring himself to start talking about it like it was gossip. “What is important…is that we spend this evening with our friends.”

Kaidan shook his head slightly. “Will you tell me later?” he asked hopefully.

“Yeah, I’ll tell you, just give me a bit of time to think on it.” He squeezed Kaidan’s hand, and Kaidan squeezed back.

As Miranda and Javik fell into conversation in front of them Liara slowed until she was walking beside Joshua. She touched his arm gently. “I’m so glad to see that you’re alright. I’m so sorry it took me so long to get back.”

“Thank you Liara,” Joshua said, turning to her and smiling at her gratefully. “Thank you for going to get him.”

Liara dropped her head forward bashfully. “Thank you for sending me after him…I think maybe it’s _our_ turn to ‘dance around each other like animals’,” she told him softly, Joshua thought he saw her cheeks colouring. “But we have _time_ now, thanks to you.”

“And you,” Joshua insisted.

“Oh Shepard…Do you really think that we would have got as far as we did without you?” she asked, looking up at him out of the corner of her eye.

“Do you really think I would have got as far as _I_ did, without all of you?” Joshua asked.

He heard Kaidan sigh softly beside him. “You can try all you like Liara, but he’s not going to listen,” he told her, Joshua could hear the amusement in his voice. Joshua nudged his leg gently with his own as he took a step.

Liara chuckled softly.

“I’m just glad to see him smiling again,” Kaidan muttered softly, he wasn’t sure if Liara had heard. Joshua looked over at him and he smiled, Kaidan returned it effortlessly. He mouthed ‘I love you’ at Kaidan, whose lips tugged up a fraction more.

“So where are we going?” Joshua asked Liara, turning back to her for a moment as they approached the elevator to the roof.

“Just somewhere quiet that will treat you like a regular person instead of a super-human,” Liara told him gently. She smiled at him. “Don’t worry, let _me_ handle it.”

“Well you seem to be doing a pretty good job of handling things recently,” Joshua told her as they stepped onto the elevator and they stepped around the still chatting Miranda and Javik.

“I’m so happy to hear you say that,” Liara said, it sounded like she may cry again. He felt Kaidan’s hand slip from his, switching to wrapping around his waist.

“Hey, Liara, did you happen to call Garrus…or Tali?” Kaidan asked, leaning back so he could make eye contact with Liara as he spoke.

They were the only ones who hadn’t immediately been called back to work after the Alliance Press Conference debacle, but it had been some time. They probably weren’t around anymore.

“I did.” She looked quite pleased with herself. “And they will be there.”

The grin which grew on to Joshua’s face was completely involuntary. “They didn’t go home?”

“No, because I asked them to stay,” Liara told him.

“I…Thank you Liara.”

“Anytime Joshua, just let me know.”

Kaidan’s fingers squeezed his waist gently and he leaned over to rest his head on Kaidan’s shoulder. Things were starting to look better. He was going to go have dinner with his former crew, and he didn’t feel like he was dreading tomorrow. He was finally able to express his love for Kaidan without feeling like he was going to endanger Kaidan’s career and reputation, and he _knew_ that Kaidan loved him back.

It wasn’t perfect, but he was feeling _better_. Which was more than he’d had in months, years.

“I have something to show you when we get home,” Joshua muttered softly to Kaidan as they stepped off of the elevator on to the roof.

“Hmm?” Kaidan looked at him with interest.

“I found a condo in Vancouver…It’s one of the new ones they’ve been putting together since the end of the war…I want you to see it.”

When Kaidan smiled Joshua felt like he fell in love with him again. “Can’t wait.”

“What are you two whispering about back there?” Miranda asked over her shoulder.

“We’re moving out of that awful Alliance apartment,” Joshua told her.

She raised an eyebrow at him, and then smiled. “Well then, I suppose we have more shuffling around to do.”

When they were in their car, on the way to the restaurant and following Liara, Javik, and Miranda in the car ahead, Kaidan turned to smile at him again.

“Javik and Liara are back,” he said.

“Yeah…everyone’s back.” Joshua agreed. Except the people they’d lost in the war. There were lots of people who were never coming back, he knew that. But the people who were left, the people who _were_ back, the people who he loved and cared for, were still by his side. Part of him was surprised, and part of him had known that they would be there from the start. And Kaidan…

Kaidan took his hand. “Are you okay?”

“I am,” Joshua replied, nodding slowly. “Things are…starting to feel okay.” He looked over at Kaidan, who was trying to pay attention to steering but also trying to pay attention to him. “I couldn’t have done any of it without you Kaidan.”

“I’d do it all over again,” Kaidan told him. “Ten times.”

Joshua chuckled. “That’s a lot of times. I don’t plan on doing it again even once more.”

Kaidan chuckled as well, it was one of Joshua’s favourite sounds. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Joshua replied.

“Let’s go have dinner with our crew.”

He squeezed Kaidan’s hand. “Yeah.”


	30. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. This was supposed to be up about a month and a half ago, but I (insert long winded excuse here) and failed miserably.
> 
> This is it though, this is the last chapter. This crazy monster fic is done with this and I'm off to do other things. Yes I still have other mshenko fics to write, and I plan to, but I'm actually starting to enjoy this trip to Japan to the fullest I think now, I don't have very much free time, so it will probably be a while before anyone sees any more chapters from me (which I apologise for). 
> 
> Anyways, on to this. I hope you guys enjoyed this ride as much as I did. Thank you all so much for reading this, I couldn't have kept writing this without your support and kind words. Thank you for being interested in my bullheaded OC and thank you for being interested in Kaidan and his story. Thank you for putting up with my recently erratic publications and my frankly sad editing skills.
> 
> My good friend (without whom I probably wouldn't have finished even this soon) [mister-vega](http://mister-vega.tumblr.com) read over this chapter for me, so thanks so much for doing that for me!

Joshua jumped awake, his heart pounding and his mind racing. Kaidan was already awake beside him, he had already been pulled up against Kaidan’s chest and could feel his hand rubbing up and down his back.

“Are you okay?” Kaidan asked, the worry clear in his voice. How he managed to still sound concerned, even when he’d been waking him with these dreams almost nightly for the past several months, was amazing to him. He probably would have gotten at least frustrated with the situation.

His yet sleep addled brain struggled to recall what he’d just dreamt about, even as he rested his head on Kaidan’s chest he felt like he was wading through mud trying to remember what had woken him. Even though he didn’t feel a grip of terror, he felt the need to do something _anything_ …

“I’m okay…I just saw…” He frowned. “I don’t know…” He trailed off and snorted. Kaidan tensed, laughing was probably the opposite of what he was expecting. He shifted up so he could look Kaidan in the eye. “I had ‘some kind of vision’.”

Kaidan frowned down at him for a moment, before realisation, and slight surprise dawned on his face. “The beacon vision?”

Joshua chuckled, resting his head back against Kaidan’s chest and feeling his body relax. He didn’t need to do anything, they’d already done it. “Haven’t had that one in a while. I used to have it constantly, it was like a bad movie on replay.”

“Every night?”

“At first, yeah. I’m not good at sleeping,” Joshua explained.

“I didn’t notice,” Kaidan replied, lightly sarcastic. Kaidan’s fingers found their way into the back of his hair and he sighed softly. “Are you okay?”

“I’m _just fine_ Kaidan,” Joshua replied, closing his eyes. This was a dream that he’d had so many times that it didn’t take very long for him to recover from it. It wasn’t scary anymore, it had stopped being scary when he’d received the cipher and perceived the dangers he was about to face. It was more like his brain wouldn’t let it go, he already had. “I’m sorry I keep waking you up.”

“It’s alright, I’d rather you wake me up than face it alone, okay?”

“Hmm,” Joshua agreed softly. “Now that our nightly interruption is over, we can actually sleep.”

“We’d better, tomorrow is a big day.”

-o-

“You can’t live here,” Garrus announced as he stepped over the threshold of their new home with the box of Joshua’s models.

“Why not?” Kaidan asked goodnaturedly as he slipped between Garrus and the door frame into the apartment and took the sight of it in for the third time since they’d settled on it.

“The bed isn’t in the living quarters, Joshua’ll never get used to this,” Garrus explained, already heading towards the office which was located by the stairs. Joshua snickered as he brought up the rear, not cleared to carry anything heavy so he was simply carrying his duffel bag with a few of his clothes in it. Kaidan had the bulk in his own.

Kaidan was glad he hadn’t said that it was because it looked almost identical to Joshua’s former apartment on the Citadel. He wasn’t sure if Joshua had noticed himself, that the layout was almost identical, that the colour of the wood floor and walls was similar. It was smaller, there weren’t nearly as many rooms on the first floor and the stairs at the end of the hall only led up to a single bedroom, but the similarities were undeniable. In fact it was more of a condo than apartment, it could probably stand on its own as house, but Joshua insisted on referring to it as the apartment.

Kaidan was fine with that.

Joshua sighed contentedly beside him, casting his gaze from the solid old fashioned dark wood wall which separated the entry/hallway from the kitchen and dining room to the living room open to their left.

Kaidan caught a look of nostalgia in his eyes and immediately recognised that Joshua knew that the new apartment looked like his old. He slipped his hand into Joshua’s, feeling him squeeze back immediately.

Already, he knew, there was an entire dining set in the dining room, cutlery and cooking utensils in the kitchen, a new and bigger (according to Miranda) bed in the bedroom, and the entire office had been furnished as well. From here he could see the sofa and vid screen in the living room. Their friends had gifted most of it to them, Joshua had specifically picked out the chair in the office and the shelves for his models as well as the dining set.

Without even having spent one night in the apartment it already felt like home. Joshua seemed to think so too, he looked exhausted but comfortable. It wasn’t like when they’d walked into the apartment in New York for the first time and he’d wondered if Joshua would be able to live there, it was like they’d come home. Kaidan suddenly didn’t mind at all that the apartment looked so similar to Joshua’s apartment on the Citadel, maybe the similarities were helping him relax.

“Are you two going to stand there staring at this place until you’re old or what?” Garrus asked, raising a brow at them as he returned from the office.

“Only until I’m mostly old,” Joshua replied, not missing a beat, his lips pulled back in a grin.

Kaidan watched as Joshua gently pulled his hand back and stepped completely into the apartment, stepping closer to Garrus who appeared to be rolling his eyes at him.

“If you’re mostly old, what would that make me?”

“Part dinosaur, part bird,” Joshua told him, his eyes were twinkling in that oddly boyish way that made Kaidan’s stomach tie into knots. It was so rare that he saw it these days. They both started snickering. Something in Garrus seemed to turn him into a teenager.

Kaidan was still having trouble not getting envious of the differences between their two relationships, but when he approached them and Joshua automatically turned to him he knew he had no reason to, Joshua’s attention was always his somehow.

He reached for the strap of the duffel on Joshua’s shoulder, Joshua allowing him to slip it off without question.

“I’ll take the bags up to our room,” he explained anyways. Joshua smiled at him, _that_ smile. He returned it, felt the urge to kiss him until the feel of it was engraved on his lips, but with Garrus there he simply let his hand linger on Joshua’s shoulder a moment longer than normal and stepped past them both to the stairs with a nod at Garrus.

“It’s too bad that no one else could be here,” he heard Garrus say to Joshua as he went up the stairs.

“Everyone’s busy, life goes on,” Joshua brushed it off, but Kaidan had seen the look on his face with every apology message sent one after the other. Everyone was busy, it wasn’t like Joshua was calling them to save the universe, they were just moving house. Joshua had told him as much when the final message, from Joker, had arrived.

Kaidan could imagine the look on his face as he told Garrus, he knew Garrus wouldn’t believe a word of it.

“Tali will be here in a bit,” Garrus told him, clearly trying to comfort him without comforting him.

The conversation got cut off as the door to the bedroom shut behind him, perfectly drowned out by the door. Kaidan wondered if they could throw a party without him noticing.

He dropped his and Joshua’s duffel bags on the bed, admiring the quality of the bedspread. Miranda hadn’t been kidding when she said she’d bought a bed that was bigger than the one they’d shared in the apartment in New York. It wasn’t as if they needed that much space, Miranda had even said as much, but between sleeping on Alliance grade mattresses and in tight quarters for five plus years she had though they deserved a “real” bed.

Kaidan had to agree.

He glanced at the chest of drawers and the closet for a moment before deciding that he would leave the unpacking to later, making sure Joshua relaxed after the amount of helping out he’d insisted on doing with the moving (including cleaning the old apartment) was at the top of his priorities.

When he went back to the main hall Garrus had already somehow coaxed Joshua into sitting on the couch. Kaidan had been trying to get the poor man to stop for almost a month since they’d settled on the apartment and suddenly they were picking out furniture and Garrus and Tali had decided to stick around because they were so excited about the prospect of him and Joshua actually having a house.

And all of that between Miranda working with Liara to find Joshua a doctor in Vancouver who he could visit for his physical ailments, as well as finding Shaek an office space he could occupy until it was deemed that Joshua no longer needed to see him on a biweekly or weekly basis.

It had all become so busy all of a sudden that seeing Joshua actually relaxing on their new house in their new home was almost a shock to him.

“Well I don’t know about you, but _I_ like it,” Garrus was saying.

Joshua snorted. “Yes Garrus, I picked out a house that I hate.”

Kaidan approached the steps down into the living room.

“Well, knowing you, you picked out a house that Kaidan would like,” Garrus told Joshua, nodding at Kaidan as he descended the steps.

Kaidan caught the wistful look that Joshua cast around the room.

“No this was for me Garrus,” Joshua told him, smiling sheepishly at Kaidan as he caught sight of him. “Sorry Kaidan.”

“Good,” Garrus interjected, before Kaidan could reply. “About time you started doing things for no one else’s benefit but your own.”

Joshua got a look on his face, it spoke volumes, it spoke more that his gaze immediately fell to Kaidan again as he rounded the coffee table, Kaidan could practically feel the regret that was welling in Joshua’s mind without the words. Garrus was giving him a meaningful look too, which told him that Garrus knew just as well as Kaidan did why he was standing in this room right now.

Joshua rarely made purely selfish decisions lightly. Joshua rarely made light purely selfish decisions. They always ended up weighing on him.

Kaidan sat down beside his lover heavily, close enough that their hips touched as he did so. Joshua turned back to him as he sat, his attention still intently on him. Kaidan wasn’t going to let a decision over a living space weigh heavily on Joshua’s mind. He wouldn’t care if Joshua had chosen an exact replica of his cabin on the Normandy, as long as they were together.

“Well I like it too,” he told them both, he didn’t even have to put reassurance into his voice. He _did_ like the apartment, he’d liked Joshua’s apartment on the Citadel almost as much. The difference being that in this apartment he knew without a doubt that there’d be a tomorrow, and that he’d be able to have it with the man he loved.

A smile tugged at Joshua’s lips. “I’m glad.” Now if only he’d stop looking like a puppy who had done something wrong.

Kaidan glanced at Garrus quickly, who conveniently turned as if he was staring at the front door, and then pressed a kiss to Joshua’s forehead. “And I love you,” he added softly, feeling Joshua’s arm snaked between his waist and the couch and wrap around him.

“I love you too,” Joshua replied. Something they never would have said so easily in the apartment on the Citadel. Yes, Kaidan definitely liked this place better, it was doing a good job of showing him how far they’d come.

Garrus was still looking at the door when they were finished staring at each other, each like the other was his entire world.

“What are you waiting for Garrus?” Joshua asked. Kaidan watched at Garrus glanced at his omnitool for a moment.

“Any minute,” was the only answer they were provided with. Kaidan could tell that Joshua was frowning even though he wasn’t turned to him.

For a moment both of them waited for Garrus to elaborate. When he didn’t, Joshua shifted on the couch and stretched his arms out over the back, one arm going behind Kaidan’s shoulders and the other stretching out to where Garrus sat. The couch was probably too big for two people, it could easily have sat six or seven. Not that Kaidan was complaining, free furniture wasn’t something one should complain about.

Joshua sighed contentedly. “It’s perfect.”

Kaidan thought so too, and Joshua looking so content and happy with himself made it all the more perfect. He almost wished that Joshua could see how relaxed he was. It almost seemed too good to be true, he’d expected Joshua to be at least a bit uncomfortable for a few days before settling in. It must have been the familiarities between this apartment and the one on the Citadel.

For a few minutes they just sat, Garrus glancing at the door and then his omnitool a few times. Kaidan thought that Joshua may fall asleep, until he actually did.

When Garrus realised that he had fallen asleep he got a look of surprise and confusion on his face. “Did he just…”

Kaidan shushed him with his finger, and motioned for Garrus to get up with him so they could leave Joshua to doze on the couch for a few minutes. Garrus followed him without hesitation into the kitchen where Kaidan looked out of the window into the bay below.

“Is that…normal?” Garrus asked, Kaidan glanced over his shoulder to see Garrus looking out the kitchen door towards the living room.

“These days, yeah,” Kaidan told him, leaning back against the window with his arms folded.

Garrus’s mandibles twitched. “Good.”

Kaidan had to agree, he hadn’t even noticed himself that Joshua had been sleeping so much easier. He hadn’t really been part of the whole Joshua’s marathon not sleeping thing on the Normandy, but he knew from the stories of others that it had been like pulling teeth. Even if Joshua didn’t really stay asleep, he still went to sleep. That had to be an improvement and judging by Garrus’s reaction, it was.

“So he doesn’t fight you, or try to get out of sleep by coming up with the next hundred tasks he has to do?” Garrus asked, raising a brow at him. Kaidan shrugged. “Lucky you.”

“There’s some perks to…”

“Being the most important person in his entire life?” Garrus offered. Kaidan couldn’t read the look on his face, he almost thought he caught a hint of jealousy in Garrus’s voice but…that wasn’t possible.

He was about to reply, if only to tone down the weight of Garrus’s statement, when the front door chime rang. Kaidan frowned in its general direction as Garrus turned to go back to the main room.

“That’ll be Tali,” Garrus informed him as he disappeared through the kitchen door.

Kaidan followed after him, not surprised to see that Joshua was wide awake and looking a bit tense when he got back into the living room. Just giving him a reassuring look seemed to calm him down and also summon him to his side. In a moment the three of them were standing around the front door and Garrus entered the appropriate code to open the door.

Kaidan wondered where he got the code, but then he glanced at Joshua and he didn’t wonder anymore.

The door opened to reveal Tali, and Liara, Javik, Miranda, Joker, EDI, James and Cortez. Liara was grinning from ear to ear, and he thought he could see Tali doing the same even from under her mask.

“Happy moving day!” Joker announced from behind Tali, holding up a clear plastic bag. He was grinning as well. EDI held up her plastic bag too. It was at that moment that he realised that said clear plastic bag held a little fish, and that every person in the doorway was holding one, except for James and Cortez who were supporting a heavy looking box between the two of them. He glanced at Garrus, who was looking mighty pleased with himself.

“Your doorway is fancy and all, but can we come in? This thing is heavy!” James complained.

Kaidan snickered, taking a step back so that the collection of people could enter the apartment. In his step back he ran into Joshua, who appeared to be completely frozen in spot. Kaidan smiled, liking the look of shock on Joshua’s face. Kaidan had been so surprised when Joshua had received all of those refusal messages, but Joshua had simply accepted them like it was completely normal that his entire squad would turn down a completely sensible request.

He patted Joshua on the cheek, getting a look of ‘did you plan this?’ in return, which he fielded to Garrus with the nod of his chin in the turian’s direction.

“So, where is this office Joshua? Garrus has been bragging about it since he got here,” Tali said, holding her fish bag daintily in her hands as if she were genuinely concerned for the fish’s wellbeing.

“I…” Joshua tore his eyes from Garrus, Kaidan saw the way his gaze lingered for a moment before settling on Tali’s mask. “This way,” he said, a smile growing into his face. He turned to lead the parade down the hall.

“Do you really plan to…cultivate this creature?” he heard Javik ask as he fell into step with Joshua. Kaidan hung to the back, watching James and Cortez struggle with the frankly gigantic fish tank.

And then they were all in the office, which Kaidan was surprised had room for all of them, and Joshua was helping James and Cortez set up the fish tank while Miranda told him sternly not to lift said fish tank, and Tali was guarding the collection of fish bags from Javik on Joshua’s desk. Joker was unhelpfully helping Joshua help James and Cortez. Garrus, EDI, and Liara stood back against the wall. Garrus looking intensely pleased with himself.

Kaidan wandered over to the three on the wall, while keeping an eye on Tali perched on the desk. “So, orchestrated this yourself did you?” he asked, turning to Garrus and watching as the turian’s gaze flicked to him and then back to the progressing fish tank.

“Not entirely.”

“And I suppose those rejection messages?”

“Cortez and Jimmy here thought they could actually get away with missing this, Miranda thought she’d be too busy, Liara and Joker were in on it,” Garrus explained.

“He was pretty upset when he got that message from Joker, it didn’t even really say anything just “sorry, flying an Alliance ship all over”.” Kaidan told Garrus, trying to tell him off while simultaneously feeling impressed with Garrus’s farce. Joshua was clearly happy now, even if he hadn’t been earlier.

“I still can’t believe he still doesn’t believe we’ll all drop anything for him.”

“Messages which explicitly say ‘sorry we’re not coming’ would usually prove him right however…”

“Oh come on now, we’ve all said that we wouldn’t come along to help him before, and we all ended up showing up anyway,” Liara put in, leaning forward from her spot on the wall so that she could get a better look at Kaidan. “At some point or another.”

“James and Steve really were busy,” EDI added. “They were concerned that they wouldn’t be able to convince the Alliance to let them off again. Last time they ended up helping to smear the Alliance’s good name from here to quarian space.”

“And when have I ever done an Alliance anything over doing anything for Joshua?” Joker asked, turning around from his spot at the edge of the shelf which was now holding a half set up fish tank. Apparently he’d been listening.

Kaidan wondered if the question wasn’t a bit accusatory. Subtly asking when Kaidan had ever done anything for Joshua over the Alliance? At least he had a few points to account for now, even if almost everyone in the room had him beat by quite a lot.

As the first bucket of water was poured into the fish tank Kaidan was suddenly relieved that all of the shelves in the office were built to hold 500 or more kilograms a piece. The fish tank was large, to say the least, and with water, feeding AI, gravel, and fish added to it was going to weigh quite a bit.

He watched Joshua, who was already figuring out chemicals to prep the water for the fish with Miranda. He looked so happy, truly happier than he’d seemed in a long time. It was probably some combination of the fish, the house, and the people he cared about showing up after all.

“Well, thank you Garrus,” Kaidan said, catching Joshua’s gaze and earning an affectionate smile for his effort.

“Any time, really,” Garrus replied. He saw EDI and Liara nodding out of the corner of his eye, Joker was watching Joshua measure out chemicals as well.

“I think any of us would say the same, seeing him this happy for the first time in…years,” Liara agreed softly.

He realised they were all watching Joshua, Tali’s head had turned in his direction. Javik was still rather interested in the fish, but even he was giving Joshua more attention than his targets.

“You’re not putting it in right!” James exclaimed suddenly, and Kaidan looked up to realise that the tank was already almost completely filled. Except for one more bucket of water, which sat on the shelf beside the tank.

“Yes, I am,” Cortez informed James calmly.

“It’s not in far enough, and aren’t you supposed to blow it first?”

“It _is_ in far enough, and if anything you’re supposed to _suck_ it first Mr. Vega,” Cortez retorted. Joker started snickering.

“Oh really? Then why isn’t it working? It’s obviously not in right, put it in again,” James snapped.

Clearly they were trying to fill the last few litres of water into the tank without overflowing it with the syphon.

“It’s in right Mr. Vega,” Cortez replied, still as calm as ever while clearly James was getting quite frustrated.

Kaidan was about to step in when Joshua spoke up.

“Could you two fuck each other instead of my fish tank please?” he asked, stepping up between the two of them and the bucket. Everyone’s gaze, which had temporarily been occupied by James and Cortez, turned back to Joshua again, the room going deathly quiet. James was turning a very interesting shade of pink. “There’s a button,” he added, tapping the button on the syphon’s handle.

As the syphon began pumping the water almost silently, Joker burst out laughing. Followed by several other chuckles and giggles while James turned steadily pinker, and Cortez seemed to be seriously considering Joshua’s words.

“What’s that human expression…a pan calling a pot black?” Garrus asked Kaidan through his amusement.

“Pot, the pot calling the kettle black,” Kaidan replied, chuckling a bit himself, despite the joke having been turned on him and Joshua. No one else was listening anyways.

“Well, at least you two mostly figured it out on your own,” Garrus snickered.

“Yeah, mostly.”

“Okay, who wants drinks?” Joker piped up, clearly over his momentary fit of laughter.

“You brought alcohol?” Miranda asked, raising her brow at him elegantly with her arms crossed. It was almost as if she was chastising him, but he didn’t seem to be affected by it.

“Uh, yeah? Is this or is this not a house warming party? And do you, or do you not, warm a house with tons of drinking?”

“You’re not all sleeping over this time,” Joshua put in, eyeing Joker suspiciously.

“No, I can see that would probably be a very bad idea,” Tali agreed from the desk, putting her hand down between Javik and a fish as he was reaching for it. “Not enough rooms, and you will definitely be using yours.” She was probably giving Javik a very dirty look through her mask. Now Joshua turned slightly pink, and James got to snicker at his expense.

“So where are these drinks at?” Joshua asked.

“In the car, who wants to come with me to get them?” Obviously Joker wasn’t going to be carrying any of them.

“I’ll come,” James offered, sidling up beside Joshua and elbowing him slightly. They passed a silent smirk between each other which probably meant nothing good.

“I’ll go too,” Joshua offered.

“You aren’t allowed to carry anything heavy Joshua,” Miranda reminded him sternly. Joshua turned and gave her a very convincing pout which she ignored.

“Then I’ll go in his stead,” Garrus offered. “Joshua focus on putting your fish in the water before Javik eats them.”

“I will not _eat them_ turian,” Javik shot back.

“Oh really?” Garrus asked, raising a brow at him.

“To prove it, I will join you on this journey for intoxicating beverages.”

“S’not really a journey, but okay then.” Joker rolled his eyes.

EDI stepped off of the wall as well. “I will also help, there is quite a lot to carry. I would know, I carried them to the car.”

“You better have brought dextro drinks Joker,” Kaidan heard Garrus say from the hallway.

Joker snorted. “Who do you think I am Vakarian?”

And with that the two groups split off, Garrus, Joker, EDI, and James to get the drinks, and Liara, Tali, Miranda, Cortez, Joshua and himself left in the office.

Joshua still had a smile on his face, clearly he was enjoying himself. Kaidan caught him aside when Miranda started pouring the chemicals to settle the water, and the other four started putting the first bags into the water to regulate the fishes’ temperatures.

He wrapped his arm around Joshua’s waist. “Tired?” he asked, checking him over quickly for any sign of fatigue.

“Nah, this…this is great.” Sure enough, he just looked pleased, excited, and content.

“Do you know you just implied that James and Cortez are in a relationship?”

Joshua rolled his eyes. “If they’re not in one yet they _should be_ ,” Joshua told him.

Kaidan snickered softly. “Got it…You know, hopefully this ‘house warming party’ doesn’t go on for _too long_ ,” he told Joshua gently, squeezing his hip gently.

Joshua hummed in agreement, casting a slightly heated gaze over Kaidan which made a shiver run up his spine. “I’ll make sure of it. At least this time there are no krogans and mercenaries to ruin all our lamps and our glassware.”

Kaidan smiled. “At least this time it is _our_ lamps and _our_ glassware.”

Joshua snorted, shaking his head slightly. Kaidan frowned. “Everything that is mine has always been yours, Kaidan. _Everything._ ”

“I love you,” Kaidan muttered, watching as Joshua turned to him and leaned in to plant a gentle kiss on his lips.

“I love you too,” Joshua whispered back.

When Kaidan looked up again everyone was looking at them. Miranda was looking pleased with herself, Liara and Tali looked like they may start squealing, Liara’s smile looked like it may detach from her face it was so big, Cortez looked…just a bit envious.

“Are you two going to help us get these fish ready for the tank, or are you going to keep cuddling?” Miranda asked, her brow arching slightly as she spoke.

“I have to name them all before I can put them into the tank,” Joshua told her, pulling gently away from Kaidan and standing in front of the fish tank to get a closer look at all of the fish.

Kaidan chuckled, shaking his head slightly. “I’ll program the VI,” he put in, heading over to the yet closed box which held the feeding and cleaning VI.

Liara came up beside him, putting a hand on his shoulder. “I’m so _proud_ of you both,” she told him softly.

“Yeah…so am I.” He glanced over his shoulder at Joshua who was clearly taking his fish naming very seriously. “I’m so proud of him.”

Liara smiled, though it was touched with just a hint of sadness. “Me too.”

-o-

Kaidan moaned slightly as he settled, pulling Joshua’s legs around his hips. He was tight, Kaidan couldn’t remember if he’d been this tight before.

“You all right?” he asked, looking over Joshua’s face and body for any sign of real discomfort.

“Mm…n…yah. Good. All good,” Joshua replied, looking up at him with a dreamy expression. His cheeks were red, but Kaidan couldn’t tell if it was because he was still quite drunk or if it was from pleasure.

Kaidan rocked his hips slightly, reveling in the way Joshua’s eyes fluttered closed and he pressed back into Kaidan’s movement. He’d never get over how easy it was to make his former commanding officer’s brain shut down, or that there’d been a day when he didn’t know he _could_.

About half an hour after everyone had finally left, after having tumbled a rather drunk Joshua into their new bed, and he was right where he’d wanted to be all day, hell where he’d wanted to be for _months_. And, judging by the look on Joshua’s face, where Joshua had wanted him to be as well.

“Your hip’s not hurting or anything?” He wasn’t as drunk as Joshua, he wasn’t going to let Joshua hurt himself.

“Would you just…” Joshua complained, rolling his hips and tightening his legs around Kaidan’s hips.

Kaidan huffed softly, but he couldn’t deny the look on Joshua’s face, the way he poked his tongue out to lick his lips and then pressed them together, or the way his hand began running lightly down his chest leaving goosebumps in its wake.

He leaned forward more, causing Joshua to groan softly from just the movement. For a moment he was concerned he’d hurt him, but Joshua reached up and tugged him down the rest of the way for a heated kiss. He felt Joshua’s fingers in the back of his hair, tugging gently, their lips pressed together, their tongues sliding together as he finally started moving, his thrusts creating a slow pace which caused Joshua to moan into his mouth.

He settled a hand on Joshua’s hip, partially to help steady him and partially for his own leverage. He knew if Joshua was allowed he’d throw his hip or worse, and he was definitely sober enough to remember to prevent that.

He broke the kiss only to begin kissing down Joshua’s neck, sucking momentarily on his clavicle, running his tongue over the scar where his shoulder connected to his arm.

“Kaidan,” Joshua gasped, wrapping one arm tightly around him, the other finding his hand planted by his side on the bed.

“Mm?”

“I love you _so much_.” The tone was almost desperate, Kaidan felt a coil of heat settle in his belly at the words.

“I love you too,” he murmured back through heavy breaths in and out of his nose. He was having a hard time remembering not to grip Joshua’s hip too tightly. The feeling of Joshua’s moans and whimpers in his throat was distracting, but he pressed his lips up against it anyways, sucking gently.

Joshua’s hand, which had been around him, had found its way to the space between them, pressing lightly against his abdomen, his fingers running through the hair leading down between his hips.

Something in the touch caused a slight falter in his movements, he sucked in a breath and bit Joshua’s neck gently. The response was for Joshua to gasp sharply and twist his hand around so he could take himself in hand. Kaidan could feel his knuckles moving against his abdomen. His free hand, which had just been resting overtop of Kaidan’s, gripped his wrist tightly.

Kaidan pulled back slightly, taking in Joshua’s face, definitely red with pleasure now.

“Okay?” Kaidan asked, just making sure, even though he couldn’t stop the way his thumb dug slightly into Joshua’s hip as he moved.

Joshua moaned. It took him a moment to reply, as if he hadn’t realised the question had been asked, first using his free hand to run his fingers down Kaidan’s face.

“Yeah…mm…m-hm, okay,” he finally managed, though Kaidan had to wonder if he knew what he was agreeing to. His brain definitely wasn’t quite connected to his mouth.

Kaidan took the opportunity to take hold of Joshua’s other hip, to give himself yet more leverage. He shifted his position and the gasp of pleasure that it elicited from Joshua was almost enough to make him go overboard, but he took a shaking breath and leaned forward to kiss him again instead, keeping his pace steady. Quick, but gentle. Enough to make Joshua’s legs around his hips shake a bit, not enough to cause any discomfort.

“Are you close?” Kaidan asked him between kisses, feeling his hand moving between them, wishing he could take hold of Joshua’s cock himself if not for having to support his hips.

“Hmm…”

Kaidan couldn’t tell if it was an answer or a moan, or both. He could feel his own orgasm building, the drink from earlier probably wasn’t helping with either of their stamina.

“Harder?” Joshua asked, and it really was a question. Kaidan was surprised he still had the ability to form a question, even if it was one word.

“I’ll hurt you,” Kaidan replied, having to bit his lip against the urge as Joshua’s free hand found its way to his ass and started kneading it.

Joshua whined, his eyes closing as Kaidan felt him buck his hips upwards. Kaidan huffed, enjoying how Joshua’s body slid against his a bit too much, losing himself for a moment and thrusting just a bit too hard. The gasp of pleasure which came from Joshua made Kaidan groan.

“Okay…okay fine, but you have to tell me if I’m hurting you.”

Joshua took a shaking breath, his hand squeezing Kaidan’s ass gently. “Just do it dammit…” he grumbled, sounding quite a bit more sober than he had a moment before.

Kaidan had to chuckle, the impatient, needy side of Joshua that no one ever saw, was his, just like the rest of him.

“Okay,” he repeated softly, reassessing his hold on Joshua’s hips so that he wasn’t holding too tightly, and shifting his positioning in such a way that made Joshua’s hand on his butt squeeze again, followed by a soft moan.

Kaidan moved his hips more deliberately, hearing the soft sound of skin against skin and watching as his cock disappeared into the tightness of Joshua’s body. Joshua’s reply was a louder moan, clearly this was exactly what he wanted.

Kaidan watched as Joshua pumped his own cock with new purpose, spurring Kaidan into snapping his hips with a bit more force and in turn earning himself some very colourful exclamations from Joshua as his hand clenched and his legs tightened.

“Fuck,” Joshua whined, leaning up just in time for Kaidan to lean forward and they met for another hungry kiss.

He could feel Joshua nearing his end, hear it in the desperation of his moans. And he was losing himself in the feel of Joshua around him, with him, how he had the most powerful man he’d ever met in a mewling mess beneath him.

“Ngh, _fuck_ , _Joshua,_ ” he groaned as he felt himself come undone, his hips grinding against Joshua’s ass as he filled him.

Joshua groaned, the hand which had been firmly planted on Kaidan’s ass journeying up his back to run fingers through his hair and cup his face, even as his hand worked his own cock and his body tensed. “K…” Joshua moaned and arched his back, Kaidan still remembering to keep a steady hold on his hips. He felt Joshua’s body tense around him and in his hands, watched as he closed his eyes and pressed his head back into the pillow. “Kaidan,” he gasped finally, his orgasm hitting him.

Kaidan drank in the sight of his lover’s cum shooting over his belly, the way his body relaxed all at once. Somehow the hand on his face remained gentle, until it dropped down to Joshua’s side along with his other hand, his chest heaving.

Kaidan slipped out of Joshua, producing the softest grunt from him, and finally let his hips down gently on the bed. The sensible part of his brain let him know that Joshua was going to be sore in the morning, but all he cared about was getting under the blankets and cuddling his lover for the entire night.

“Love,” Kaidan whispered softly, snagging the blankets as he changed position and lay down next to Joshua on the bed. For a moment he was concerned that he’d passed out, as he tugged the blankets up and over both of their shoulders. He hadn’t been _that drunk_ had he?

But then Joshua’s eyes fluttered open and he rolled onto his side, facing Kaidan sleepily. They just stared at each other, taking in the other’s face. Kaidan looking briefly over the scar on Joshua’s lip and cheekbone and feeling slightly ashamed that he’d missed them when they’d been gone before the beam run.

Then Joshua smiled, the most brilliantly loving and yet exhausted smile he’d ever seen and he forgot what he’d been thinking of. Joshua’s arm snuck around his waist and tugged him closer, he went willingly and snuggled up under Joshua’s chin, his own arm went around Joshua’s waist.

“Welcome home Kaidan,” Joshua told him, it was clear he was about ready to fall asleep.

Everything was perfect, for now. They were together, in their own house, they had just had a great day with their friends, and they could at least pretend for a few moments that there wasn’t a psychiatrist or a physio appointment tomorrow.

Lying there wrapped in each other’s arms Kaidan knew that there would be no more watching Joshua’s back as he left into an impossible situation. There would be no more sitting beside Joshua’s unconscious form endlessly watching and wondering if he’d ever see his impossibly violet eyes ever again. There would be no more things to add to his or Joshua’s already incredibly long list of nightmares. He was never going to have to sit back helplessly and watch Joshua get hurt, or hurt himself, ever again.

Even if the road to recovery was still long, they were on it. This was it, they’d made it to the end, to tomorrow. They were home.

“Welcome home Joshua, I love you,” Kaidan replied.

“I know,” Joshua said into the top of his head. “I love you too.”


End file.
